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: Yes, I know what a bat is. Those ugly flying things that people think we're always cooking.
: They play it with a ball and a big stick called a bat. One man throws it to the man holding the bat, who tries to hit it. Then everybody chases the ball, and the man who hits it runs around in a circle on a field called a diamond before anyone else can tag him. And the one who runs around the most wins the series. Endora
: A series of what? Samantha
: Nothing. Just a series. Endora
: Typical. That's a human being for you. Spend most of their lives running around in circles for a series of nothing.
: Are you a good witch or a bad witch? Endora
: Comme çi, comme ça.
: Young man! Samantha
: Mother, don't. Endora
: Very well. Just consider yourself lucky that you are not at this moment, an artichoke. So from now on, watch your step, young man. Mother is watching you.
: I detest sounding like one of those mothers who thinks they know it all. But unfortunately, I do.
: Discretion is a better part of valor.
: This must be Whats-His-Name? Samantha
: Mother, this is my husband. This is... Darrin Stephens
: Well, I'd like it much better if you'd call me by my first name. Endora
: Very well, Dennis.
: Anyway, it's fun planting seeds and watching flowers grow in a natural way. Endora
: Yes, I saw an exhibition of that natural growth this morning. When whois left for wherever it is he goes in the morning.
: Does what's-his-name have a weak heart? Endora
: His name is Darrin, Mother. D-A-R-R-I-N. And he's in perfectly good health. And I want him to like my mother. Samantha
: What sort of mother do you think he'd prefer? Lavender and old lace? Pioneer stock, perhaps? Old World? New World? What would you prefer? Endora
: Very funny, very funny. But I'd prefer you on time.
: I don't mean to be disrespectful, but we wanna live normal lives. Endora
: What is normal to you young man, is to us asinine.
: What a ridiculous waste of time and energy! Samantha
: [icing a cake
] I prefer to think of it as doing something that will please my husband. Endora
: Well, you needn't develop biceps doing it.
: Darrin is a marvelous human being. Endora
: Oh, that's a terrible thing to say about anyone.
: Let's go upstairs and look at the bedrooms. Endora
: Why go up there? Why don't we just send for them?
: [about being a witch
] We are quicksilver, a fleeting shadow, a distant sound... our home has no boundaries beyond which we cannot pass. We live in music, in a flash of color... we live on the wind and in the sparkle of a star!
: Just because you married a human, Samantha, that's no reason to overdo this grubby little household role.
: [about mortals
] Oh, they all look alike to me. Noses to the grindstone, shoulders to the wheel, feet planted firmly on the ground. No wonder they can't fly.
: [Endora doesn't like the dining room table Sam has conjured up
] Well maybe you're right.
[changes the dining room setting
: How about that? Endora
: That's much better. That's much better.
: Believe me, it'll never work.
: [to Samantha
] Don't worry Samantha. He won't see me. Witches honor. And you know me to be a witch of my word.
: Samantha just presented me with the most beautiful granddaughter. Darrin Stephens
: [nervous, yet pleased
] You mean... I'm... I'm the father of a girl? Endora
: That too. Darrin Stephens
: Well, that's just great. And Sam? How's Sam? Endora
: She's fine. She's fine. Darrin Stephens
: Endora, I don't know what to do first, to hug you or offer you a cigar. Endora
: There's no other choice? Darrin Stephens
: I have a daughter!
[he hugs her
: You know, Endora, sometimes you can be almost human. Endora
: This is no time to be insulting.
: And how is little Tabatha? Samantha Stephens
: Mother, there's something I have to talk to you about. We haven't decided on a name yet. Endora
: Well, I don't care what you call her. Samantha Stephens
: You don't? Endora
: No. Whatever you call her, I shall call her "Tabatha".
: [after finding Endora in Samantha's hospital room
] How did you manage to get in here? I didn't think Houdini could do it. Endora
: Houdini had a lot to learn. Nurse Kelton
: Goodbye, Grandma.
[she waves, Samantha gets afraid
: Why do I have to leave? Nurse Kelton
: [refers to Sam
] Because we are about to take our nap. Endora
: "Our nap"? Are you going to climb into bed too? Nurse Kelton
: I was using the royal "we". Endora
: Are you a member of royalty? Nurse Kelton
: Yes, I'm queen of this floor. That means I can tell you when to visit and when note. Endora
: When did you get out of charm school? Nurse Kelton
: Well, let me put it another way: Get out!
: Luckily she
[she being Tabatha
: takes after Samantha. Darrin Stephens
: She does look like Sam. But I think there's a little bit of me there too. Endora
: Yes, but the wrinkles will disappear soon.
: I've got to talk to you! Serena
: Not you again! Darrin Stephens
: You shouldn't be walking around like this. Serena
: Really? You shouldn't be walking around like that.
[Zaps Darrin into a Native American chief's outfit, complete with a feathered headdress
] Darrin Stephens
: How can you do this to your daddy? Manager
: What's going on here? Darrin Stephens
: I know this all looks very strange... but uh there is an explanation. You see, I'm her father. Manager
: Sure. You're her daddy, right? She was born when you were eight years old, right? Darrin Stephens
: I know it doesn't add up, but she's...
[Sees that Serena has disappeared
] Darrin Stephens
: She's gone. I've got to stop her. Manager
: You're not going anywhere. Endora
: [Pops in with arm mockingly raised to greet Darrin
] How? Darrin Stephens
: Oh, well you're too late. My baby's out on the town. Endora
: Do you really think you should wear that outfit at your age?
: Don't play dumb with me, Endora. You've done some pretty rotten things in your time, but I didn't think you'd stoop this low. You're just an irresponsible, nasty... Endora
: Aah, aah, aah, ahh! Careful! You're asking for it. Darrin Stephens
: I'm not asking for anything. I'm telling you to take me to my daughter! Endora
: WELL, if that's what you want.
[Zaps Darrin over to nursery, next to Nurse Kelton
] Nurse Kelton
: Look, just for the record, I'd like to ask you something. You're not really here, right? I mean I saw you here earlier with a pacifier in your mouth and now I see you here in your Indian suit. But, it's all in my imagination, right? You don't really exist, right? Darrin Stephens
: Right. Nurse Kelton
[Darrin leaves. Nurse Kelton calmly picks up the telephone
] Nurse Kelton
: Doctor Hassonbladt, Nurse Kelton. I'd like to make an appointment for a complete psychiatric examination, doctor.
: [drinking a glass of wine while sitting on top of a plane
] It's the only way to fly.
: That's what I like about your visits, Mother. You always bring a ray of sunshine into my drab existence. Endora
: Well, that's what mothers are for, dear.
: Well, I imagine she's very lonesome for Donald. Larry Tate
: Who? Endora
: I beg your pardon? Louise Tate
: You mean Darren? Endora
: Oh, yes. Yes, of course.
: Oh, Mother. Isn't that beautiful? Endora
: Oh yes. You'd look marvelous in a dress like that, Samantha.
: That's my Gal.
: Mr. Tate is Darrin's employer. Endora
: Oh really? Isnt that amusing... That we should bump into each other.
: How would you like to pop in about eight thirty? Endora
: I'd love it.
: [referring to the horse yoke that Endora made appear around her, Samantha's, neck
] What's this supposed to mean? Endora
: Well, you enjoy working like a horse. I thought you might enjoy looking like one.
: To err is human, to forgive divine. Samantha
: Exactly. Endora
: When you're up to here
[raises her hand horizontally above her own head
: in err, and you've changed into one huge lump of divine, don't say I didn't warn you.
: Darrin's a very dedicated man. Endora
: So was Caesar, and all it got him was a torn toga. He was such a nice man too.
: And you can tell Whats-His-Name that any man with a wife like you, who spends every night with a can of soup, must be even less than human.
: Good morning, darling. Or should I be more specific and say, "Good four o'clock in the morning"? Samantha
: What are you doing up so early? Endora
: I'm not up early. I'm up late. One party after another. I haven't been to bed yet. And neither have you, apparently. Well, it's typical, typical. Samantha
: Of what? Endora
: Of the neglected housewife... drinking coffee, eaten alive by suspicion... her husband out to the wee small hours of morning, doing... whatever it is he's doing. Samantha
: Darrin's working in the study. Endora
: You're joking. Samantha
: No. He's been working till the wee small hours every night this week. Endora
: Oh, well. Lust is lust, I suppose. Whether it's for women or money, it's all the same. Samantha
: It has nothing to do with lust. He's creating a new campaign for Caldwell's Soup. Endora
: Ambition. Thoroughly immoral and foolishly mortal.
: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to take Darrin some coffee. Endora
: Very well. And you can tell what's-his-name that any man with a wife like you, who spends every night with a can of soup, must be even less than human.
: Wake up. Wake up, Samantha. This is the day. Samantha Stephens
: Mother, what... It's five o'clock in the morning. Endora
: Well, I wanted to give you time to pack your bags. Samantha Stephens
: What are you talking about? Endora
: Samantha, I've let you have your own way a good deal since you were married, but this is the one time you'll do as I say. Samantha Stephens
: Oh, mother. Endora
: You owe it to your past. I'll be back in four hours, and then we'll start on our journey. Samantha Stephens
: Would you mind telling what this is all about? Endora
: This is the black day for us, Samantha. This is Halloween.
] Darrin Stephens
: [waking up
] What's the matter, honey? Did you have a bad dream? Samantha Stephens
: No. I'm just starting one.
: Why aren't you ready to leave? Samantha Stephens
: I am not going to the sacred volcano with you Mother? Endora
: I'm not going to have you stay and be hurt by all those children dressed like old crones. Samantha Stephens
: I'm not going to leave Darrin. Besides, we're having company. Endora
: You're having a party on Halloween? Samantha Stephens
: It isn't a party. We're just having the Tates, and a client and his wife over for dinner. Endora
: You're actually taking part in their barbaric customs. Samantha Stephens
: Mother, when I married Darrin, it was for better or for worse. Halloween is part of the worse. Endora
: I never thought I'd see a daughter of mine condoning bigotry. Samantha Stephens
: I don't condone it. Anyway, Darrin is not bigoted. He understands my problem perfectly.
[door bell rings
] Samantha Stephens
: Excuse me.
: [about Darrin
] What will we turn him into? A tadpole or an iguana? Maybe we should turn him into a centipede, and have him trip and break all his legs. Wouldn't that be marvelous?
: Ta-ta, darlings. See you both soon.
: [greets the little girl
] Well, don't we look pretty? Young Endora
: Cut the small talk. What have you got?
[takes a bag
] Young Endora
: It looks like junk to me, Mister. Darrin Stephens
: I'm sorry, but it's the bag or nothing. Young Endora
: No dice. I'm going to have to trick you. Darrin Stephens
] Go ahead, trick me. Young Endora
: [casts the spell
] You're tricked. You'd better watch out. Darrin Stephens
] I'm not worried. I've been tricked by experts.
: [after turning Darrin into a werewolf
] Darrin, I feel terrible. I really do. Do you think I want my daughter married to a werewolf?
: Where are you off to in such a hurry? Samantha Stephens
: Shopping. It's Dollar Day. Endora
: Is that good? Samantha Stephens
: Marvellous. Everything's on sale. You can pick up some terrific bargains. Endora
: Ah-ha... I suspected David wasn't doing so well. Samantha Stephens
: Darrin, and he's doing just fine. Bargain hunting's a challenge. It's fun. It's a great pleasure for mortal women. Endora
: Poor dears. Samantha Stephens
: If you're not doing anything, why don't you come along? We can have lunch. Endora
: Well, it might be interesting to see how the other half amuse themselves.
[zaps herself into a new dress
: Do you like it? Samantha Stephens
: Very nice. Endora
: This darling is what I call a real bargain. Costs nothing. Samantha Stephens
: Try it my way, Mother. It's the challenge of the thing. You'll see.
: I only wish I had your figure. Endora
: [disguised as Samantha
] So do I. But the back, it's so conservative. Saleswoman
: Well, I don't know. I suppose it could be lowered a smidgen. Endora
: [disguised as Samantha
] I think that would help. And why don't we lower the front. Say, two smidgens.
: [Endora is disguised as Samantha and talking to Robert Frazer
] I haven't found a thing, but I see you have. Endora
: [disguised as Samantha
] Yes, and I wasn't looking.
: [referring to Mrs. Kravitz
] Is she a friend of yours? Endora
: [disguised as Samantha
] I hope not.
: [Disguised as Samantha
] I take it you're a two-smidgen man.
: [disguised as Samantha, to Robert Frazer after reading his book on "Helen On Troy"
] Of course, Helen was nothing like that. She had a face that would've sunk ships, not launched them. And knock-kneed. Bob Frazer
: You must've loved studying history? Endora
: [disguised as Samantha
] Living it was more fun.
: I'm so sorry I'm late, but I ran into a slight headwind on my way back from Paris.
: Hi, Mom. Endora
: How are you, Darrin? Darrin Stephens
: Darrin? Endora
: The name is unfamiliar to you? Darrin Stephens
: No, but I thought it was unfamiliar to you? Endora
: I'll make an agreement with you. I'll try to remember your name if you promise never to call me "Mom".
: Mother I want you to be gracious about this. I think it's very big of Darrin to apologize to you... after all you've done to him. Endora
: [acts very innocently
] What have I done to him? Samantha Stephens
: If you'd like me to start at the beginning. On our wedding night, you put him into the hotel lobby in his pajamas.
[starts counting with fingers
] Samantha Stephens
: Then... Endora
: I mean recently? Samantha Stephens
: How recently? Endora
: Well, we won't go into that. Samantha Stephens
: Oh, now, Mother. You must've done something. Darrin hasn't been himself all day. Endora
: Oh, how fortunate for you.
: [to a laughing Darrin, after changing his hairstyle into a Beatlesque moptop
] Now then, Ringo, laugh your head off!
: [after Darrin tells her his incantation was supposed to make her vanish
] But I don't want to vanish; I want to stay and see what you're going to do for your next number!
: How are you going to explain Duncan? Samantha Stephens
: Darrin. Endora
: His name will be mud when your father finds out he's human. Samantha Stephens
: Maybe we'd just as well face it now. I'm married, and there's nothing he can do about it. Endora
: I shudder to think how many things he can and probably will do about it.
: Maurice! Control yourself!
: Times have changed, Maurice. This happens in the best of families. Maurice
: It does not happen in my family! Samantha Stephens
: Well, it has. It's over and done with. I'm married.
: You're getting stronger, Endora. Endora
: You're getting older, dear.
: You bring him back or I'll make your life miserable for you. And you know I can do it. I'll move in with you.
: [looking at Sam's perm
] Samantha, what happened to your head? Samantha Stephens
: I gave myself a permanant. Endora
: On purpose? I thought perhaps your finger got stuck in a light socket.
: It's our seventh anniversary? Endora
: Really, Samantha? You haven't been carrying on this charade for seven years? Samantha Stephens
: Seven months, mother. Endora
: Just seems like seven years. Samantha Stephens
: You won't give up, will you? Endora
: Not until you do... or he does. Samantha Stephens
: Well, don't hold your breath. Darren loves me. Endora
: Samantha, you're living in a fool's paradise. Sooner or later, that perfect husband of yours is going to roam... and I don't mean Italy.
: Why don't you go to Chicago? Samantha Stephens
: Because I promised I wouldn't. And because it's underhanded and sneaky, and shows a complete lack of faith. Endora
: All right, you talked me into it. Samantha Stephens
: Into what? Endora
: Well I didn't promise him anything. After all, somebody has to be there to make sure he's not making a fool of you.
: Mother! I forbid you! Endora
: You forbid me? Isn't that divine? Oh really Samantha, I think you've lost your marbles.
: When the mind starts to go, what can anyone say? Endora
] What about, "Bon Voyage!"?
: Oh, Samantha, the Salvation Army wouldn't even send a truck out for it.
: Where is your breeding, your culture, your upbringing, darling? Samantha Stephens
: I still have those, Mother, only my furniture is gone, but not for long.
: Mother, would you please get some water? Endora
: Why? She looks so peaceful. It's a pity to disturb her. Mother. Samantha Stephens
: She's not sleeping. She fainted. There's a big difference. Endora
: [to Samantha, as she looks at herself in a mirror
] Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the most gullible of all. Samantha Stephens
: Mother. What do you mean, gullible? Endora
: You're getting more and more human everyday, Samantha. Samantha Stephens
: Thank you.
: [to Darrin
] Hello David. Did you have a nice day?
: Oh, darling. Don't let a little thing like that bother you. You know how men are with their secretaries.
: That was a mean, low, sneaky, underhanded trick! Endora
: Yes, it was. And I'm quite pleased with myself.
: [Sam is carving a roast with a knife
] Oh, didn't I teach you never to play with sharp objects? Samantha Stephens
: I'm not playing mother. I'm working. Endora
: [Endora zaps the roast carved
] Much simpler that way, my dear. Samantha Stephens
: Not in a long run. You know Darrin doesn't like me doing things that way. Endora
: I'm surprised he doesn't insist you tear it apart with your fangs. Samantha Stephens
: You promised not to criticise him. Endora
: Oh, perish the thought. It was just an observation, not a criticism.
: All right, Mother. What's all this about? Endora
: How did you know I was behind this? Samantha Stephens
: I'm psychic.
: It's really quite simple. I happened to notice this gentlemen doing a rather exemplary job of directing traffic in Trafalgar Square. So I thought I'd surprise you with him. Samantha Stephens
: Now I don't want you to think me ungrateful, but what am I going to do with him? Endora
: Put him in the middle of the intersection of course! He'd gave a touch of divine elegance to a somewhat dreary little community. Samantha Stephens
: What happens when he's removed from the state of suspended animation? Endora
: Oh, it should be glorious to behold. Samantha Stephens
: Take him back mother! Endora
: Oh, Samantha. In London he's just another pea in the pod, but here, he'd be the talk of Morning Glory Circle. Samantha Stephens
: So will I if you don't stop all this.
: Oh, Samantha, you do have an annoying way of putting a damper on my divertissements.
: I'm amazed. This is the best Italian food I've had this century.
: I think I'll ask Darrin to help. Endora
: How? Washing dishes?
: I don't ordinarily feel sorry for human beings, but I do feel sorry for him.
: Advertising is Darrin's business. Informing the public is Darrin's stock-in-trade. Endora
: Hardly. His stock-in-trade is contributing to the delinquency of my daughter.
: Mother? Endora
: Samantha, how could you? Samantha Stephens
: You know. Endora
: I was hoping that it was just an ugly rumor. Samantha Stephens
: Mother, aren't you plesaed? You're gonna be a grandmother. Endora
: That's right. That's right, twist the knife. Samantha Stephens
: Give me just one good reason why I shouldn't have children? Endora
: Don't you see? You'll be tied to that mortal oaf indefinately. Samantha Stephens
: That's what I want. Endora
: Oh, Samantha, you just don't understand. He's turning you into the typical housewife drudge. Oh, I can just see you in a few years, surrounded by diapers and bottles and pacifiers. And wall-to-wall babies.
: Oh, Samantha, I will not have you slaving away while you're expecting my grandchild.
: I'm doing this for Sam's good. Believe me, I know every ache and pain that she has, and it hurts me more than her. Endora
: It doesn't yet, but it will.
: Mother, have you been bothering Darrin? Endora
: Who? Samantha Stephens
: My husband. Endora
: Oh, that who.
: Edgar must regard your marriage as blot on the family name. I just regard it as a blow against good sense.
: A witch who's on the wagon is no match for an elf who's on the warpath.
: And I'd rather you didn't show up at the party tonight, if you don't mind. Endora
: Why should I? I'm only your mother. I won't be around forever. Samantha
: Wanna bet?
: What's all the excitement? That little pussycat won't hurt Mr. Barker. Samantha
: You call that a pussycat? Endora
: What do you call it? Samantha
: A mountain lion. It'll tear Mr. Barker to shreds.
: Did I startle you, darling? Try a touch of bay leaf from India. Samantha
: Have you ever thought of calling before you drop in, like other people? Endora
: I'm not like other people, Samantha. Neither are you. So will you please kindly tell me why you are wearing yourself out? Samantha
: Because Mr. McMann and Mr. Tate thought it'd be nice to have Mr. Barker here for dinner tonight. Endora
: Well, why don't they have him to dinner? Samantha
: Because he's Darrin's account. Now, if you'll excuse me, I am very busy. Endora
: There's an easier way to do that, you know. Samantha
: I promised I wouldn't. Endora
: Oh, please, you're breaking my heart. Samantha
: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and change. Endora
: Oh, well, go right ahead.
: Good morning, Durwood.
: Spirits north and spirits south, Let my spell control your mouth. Let Durwood find to his dismay, that all his words are now cliché.
: The spell, I renew, you boorish lout. Your clichés will be few, but you'll act them out!
: He's a dear, sweet, wonderful, perfectly marvelous man. Endora
: Oh, my poor baby. He sounds simply horrible.
: One Re, Or Re, Ickery Ann, Phillison, Follison, Nicholas John. Endora
: You are kidding? Samantha
: I've never been more serious in my life. One Re, Or Re, Ickery Ann, Phillison, Follison, Nicholas John. Queevy quavy English Navy, Stickum, stackum Buck! B-U-C-K spells 'Buck' and out goes you! Endora
: Well, you naughty, naughty little witch!
: How would you like to spend your wedding night with a bull frog?
: I hope you appreciate what an amusing man your husband is, Mrs. Stephens. Phyllis Stephens
: Yes. He's a regular Milton Berle.
: Samantha, you know if you'd married one of those nice warlocks that were crazy about you, none of this would have happened.
: [Endora pops in after Aunt Clara turns Darrin into a chimpanzee
] Good morning, Samantha. Samantha Stephens
: Mother, there's something I have to tell you. Endora
: Good morning, Derwood. Samantha Stephens
: Darrin. Endora
: Alright, whatever. Samantha Stephens
: You recognized him? Endora
: I'd know Dilbert anywhere. I just left your Aunt Clara. Poor dear, she feels terribly guilty. Samantha, should you allow him to sit on the sofa? He'll shed hair all over it. Samantha Stephens
: It's his house. He can shed hair wherever he wants.
: I hate to criticize a man when he's down, Samantha, but Donald always struck me as being overly sensitive. Samantha Stephens
: His name is Darrin!
] Samantha Stephens
: [Darrin is sleeping
] Darrin, it's seven thirty.
[Darrin does not wake up
] Samantha Stephens
: . Endora
: Is he always so bright and cheery in the morning? Samantha Stephens
: Mother, will you please get out of here? The poor dear's been up all night trying to think up a campaign to sell that boat. Endora
: You think that's amusing? Samantha Stephens
: No. I was just thinking how sweet he looks. Like a little boy. Bet he was cute. Endora
: What makes you think that? Samantha Stephens
: Well, look at what he grew up to look like. Endora
: Oh, that's the argument I was going to use. Samantha Stephens
: I've never seen any photos of Darrin when he was a little boy. Wonder what he was really like? Endora
: Well that's easy to find out. Samantha Stephens
: Don't you dare! Darrin wouldn't like that. Endora
: Oh, don't be silly. He needn't ever know. Samantha Stephens
: Mother. Endora
: [Endora turns Darrin into a boy. Endora notices the boy, to the pregnant Samantha
] Oh, Samantha, you better start praying for a girl. Samantha Stephens
: I think he's adorable. I'll consider myself very lucky if our child looks like him. Now I think you'd better change him back. Endora
: No. No, I'd like a better look at him.
[Enodra opens the shutters and young Darrin wakes up
] Young Darrin
: Oh, hi, Sam. What time is it? Endora
: Why don't you look at your Mickey Mouse watch?
: [after Endora turns Darrin into a little boy
] I always said that Donald had no sense of humor. Samantha Stephens
: [scolds Endora
] Mother, it isn't funny. How would you feel, if you woke up one morning and found yourself twenty years younger? Endora
: [very pleased with this image
] No comment. So Dennis got quite ugly about the whole affair, did he? Now, what exactly did he say? Samantha Stephens
: Before or after he called you an old witch with a warped sense of humor? Endora
: An old witch? How dare he? Samantha Stephens
: No. How dare you?
] Your cousin Miranda is going to get married, and we're going to the wedding, so be ready to leave tonight. Samantha Stephens
: Don't you ever say hello? Endora
: You'll enjoy a vacation from this suburban prison. Samantha Stephens
: Mother, I can't go. The Tates are coming for dinner. And anyway, I couldn't leave Darrin alone. Endora
: You know, Samantha, you're devotion to that mortal is absolutely pathetic. Well, I suppose we could drag him along. Show him how the elite live. Samantha Stephens
: Oh, I don't think so, Mother. Besides, Darrin is very busy. And I've... Endora
: [Darrin walks into the room
] Derwood, we're all going to a wedding. So you better arrange to take two days off from whatever it is you do. Darrin Stephens
: Don't you ever say hello? Samantha Stephens
: Darrin, you think you could get a couple of days off? Darrin Stephens
: I'm afraid not, honey. I'm snowed under with work. I'm sure Larry wouldn't let me off. Endora
: Oh, I can take care of that. Darrin Stephens
: Oh, how? Endora
: Well, I'll simply turn Mr. Tate into an inanimate object for two days. He'll never know you've gone away. Samantha Stephens
: Mother. Endora
: Well, it was just an idea. Darrin Stephens
: Let's keep it that way. I'm afraid you'll just have to count us out, Endora. Endora
: Oh, don't give up so easily. I don't. Darrin Stephens
: You know the trouble with your mother? She's here today and here tomorrow. See you tonight.
: As a matter of face, I've often told Darrin, he should be glad he has such a charming mother-in-law. You should meet Louise's mother. A real witch. Endora
: Well, it happens in the best of families.
] Samantha Stephens
: [about Aunt Clara
] I know she's a bit vague, but she's never really done anybody any harm. Endora
: [complains at Aunt Clara
] You sit down and listen to me. Last week, she insisted in coming to London with Bertha and me. Half way there, she started to lose altitude. Samantha Stephens
: That's terrible. Endora
: Oh, you don't know the half of it! We had to piggyback her the rest of the way! Samantha Stephens
: Poor Aunt Clara. Endora
: Yes, and right in the middle of the convention she waltzes in with a huge doorknob she acquired for her collection. Samantha Stephens
: That's bad? Endora
: She'd taken it from Buckingham palace!
: I still don't understand why you don't want to see him. Aunt Clara
: [tries to get privacy
] Oh, well... Ah... Endora... Endora
: What? Aunt Clara
: Haven't you a house to haunt or something? Endora
: All right. All right, Clara. I'll go. I think I can skip all the gruesome details of your fly-by-night romance.
] Aunt Clara
: I know she's your mother, dear, but she can be trying. And she insists that I'm in my dotage. Samantha Stephens
: She worries about you, Aunt Clara.
: Hello Mother. Endora
: It's a wise child who knows her own mother. Darling, I thought we could spend some time with each other. Samantha Stephens
: Nope. Can't. I'm writing a play. Just started four hours ago. Endora
: Oh, really? What's it about? Samantha Stephens
: The American Civil War. Endora
: Oh. Well, the civil stories are always the best. Samantha Stephens
: Oh, I wish Darrin hadn't given my word I'd do this. Endora
: Well, maybe I could be of some help. Samantha Stephens
: How? Endora
: Well, I could be your secretary. I can type faster than anybody. Watch this.
[the typewriter types on its own at a fast pace
] Samantha Stephens
: [reading what the typewriter has typed
] "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy 'merplederk'"? Endora
: Well, I said I was fast, not accurate. Samantha Stephens
: Thank you Mother, but I'm afraid this is one thing I'll have to do for myself. Endora
: Alright. Alright darling, be independent. Just do it the hard way.
: Well I'll leave you with it. Just bare in mind darling: Write mortal, think witch.
: Oh really, Samantha, if I was starved for entertainment, I certainly could conjure up something more amusing than that.
: Was that the story? Well it wasn't long, but it certainly is dull.
: [to Darrin
] For the first time I actually feel sorry for you.
: She's not the kind of girl one takes home to mother, is she. Samantha Stephens
: Only if mother's not home.
: [casting spell on Serena and Samantha
] The Corsican Brothers were hexed by a spell which will work on cousins just as well. From here on out without further ado, what Serena feels, Samantha will too!
: I always tell the truth... as I see it.
: [in the process of time-traveling back to the fourteenth century to stop Darrin's family curse
] Take care of the baby. And Darrin. Endora
: I think Darrin's going to be just fine.
: [Darrin is sleeping on the couch
] What a lovely looking couple
[referring to Darrin
: except for him. Does his mouth always gape open like that. Samantha Stephens
: Only when he's sleeping. Endora
: Oh, Samantha. I don't understand you at all. I mean, if you had to marry a mortal, at least you could have chosen a better-looking specimen. Samantha Stephens
: I like the way he looks. Besides I didn't marry Darrin just for his looks. Endora
: What else, his vivacious personality? Samantha Stephens
: No one sparkles when they're asleep. Anyway, I think he's quite handsome. Endora
: You're joking. Samantha Stephens
: He's got very good features. Endora
: Name one. Samantha Stephens
: Well, he has a nice firm jaw. Endora
: You like lantern jaws? Samantha Stephens
: He's got a nice mouth. Endora
: 'Slack' is a better word. Samantha Stephens
: How about his eyes? Endora
: 'Twas the night before Halloween, and all who were chic were sipping champagne... Uncle Arthur
: They'd been stoned for a week. Endora
: The witches and warlocks in Rome by the score, with their ladies attired in their best by Dior... Uncle Arthur
: Checking their warts as they came through the door. Endora
: And the odd little mortals all snug in their beds, while visions of trick-or-treat danced in their heads. Our children were practicing spells and their chants... Uncle Arthur
: And even the poltergeists pulled off their pants.
: Will you do me a favor? Endora
] What? Darrin Stephens
: The next time you decide to do me a favor, don't do me any favors!
: Remember Samantha, no mortal pulls the wool over a witch's eyes, while I'm around.
: How my daughter can prefer that terrestrial existence to gracious living in a land of endless enchantment. And married to that mundane mortal, is more than I...
: [about the Crone of Cawdor
] She was turned into a hag and had to live all alone on a mountain peak in Carpathia. Endora
: That's right. And do you remember the rest of it? Samantha Stephens
: Well, let's see.
[quoting her bedtime story
] Samantha Stephens
: 'When the earth turns once around the sun, let the Crone go forth 'til the day is done. Another's form she'll take, and her form leave, from six in the morn
] Samantha Stephens
: 'til six in the eve. And in this guise if she can secure a willing kiss from a mortal pure; to her will pass the mortal's youth; to him will pass her age forsooth.' Oh, no. Darrin! Endora
: Oh, yes. And if he kisses her he'll be 500 years older. But no wiser.
: [Work Darrin is suddenly confronting Fun Darrin
] Who is he? Samantha Stephens
: That's not "he", that's you. Darrin Stephens
: What are you doing here with my wife! Endora
: Oh, I knew we shouldn't have invited him.
: I am your mother and I shall decide it's proper place.