Lester Gruber
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Quotes for
Lester Gruber (Character)
from McHale's Navy (1964)

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"McHale's Navy: McHale's Paradise Hotel (#1.9)" (1962)
Lester Gruber: We'll be rich!
Harrison Bell: We'll be famous!
Ensign Charles Parker: We'll be arrested!

Ensign Charles Parker: [the crew finds a piano] Hey, I took lessons for several years anyone like to hear Beethoven's 5th?
Lester Gruber: I'd like a fifth but not Beethoven.

"McHale's Navy: Stars Over Taratupa (#2.26)" (1964)
Lt. Commander Quinton McHale: [during the fake air-raid] There's a zero coming in at three o'clock.
Lt. Elroy Carpenter: I don't see any plane at three o'clock.
Lester Gruber: You're looking in the wrong place, sir. The Nips are on daylight savings time.

"McHale's Navy: Christy Goes Traveling (#3.13)" (1964)
Ensign Charles Parker: [McHale finds a large hole in the side of the 73] It's my fault, skip. I was in charge, I take full blame.
Lester Gruber: He means full credit, Sir. You see, we were attacked and there were 15 Nip planes coming at us from all directions. And Mr Parker here... Would you believe 30 Nip planes? Ten? How about an angry seagull?

"McHale's Navy: Lester, the Skipper (#3.2)" (1964)
Lt. Commander Quinton McHale: [Gruber is posing as the Commander while McHale is the Ensign for Gruber's girl] Excuse me, Commander. But I was doing this for your own good. I don't want you to miss your mission, Sir. After all, we do want to keep your brilliant record intact.
Lester Gruber: Well, I... I guess you right, Mac. Can't keep those Nips waiting. Good thinking. Put yourself in for an oak leaf cluster.

"McHale's Navy: Vino, Vino, Who's Got the Vino? (#4.10)" (1965)
Lester Gruber: [McHale decides to keep the wine instead of turning the cases into Binghamton] I never thought I'd live to see the day. Congratulations, Skip. You're thinking like an enlisted man.

"McHale's Navy: Evil-Eye Parker (#2.20)" (1964)
Lester Gruber: [after Gruber performs some magic and the crowd is clapping] Thank you, Thank you, talent worshipers. I wish I could say I didn't deserve it, but I do.

"McHale's Navy: Will the Alligator Take the Stand? (#3.7)" (1964)
Ensign Charles Parker: [the gator has picked up Parker's gun and brought it to him] Hey skip, he likes me. He's smiling.
Lt. Commander Quinton McHale: C... Ca... Careful, careful it may be indigestion.
Lester Gruber: Probably someone he ate.

"McHale's Navy: Pumpkin Takes Over (#3.22)" (1965)
The Marine Sergeant: [the Marines storm the stage trying to get to Gruber] OK Gruber, start saying your prayers.
Lester Gruber: Wait a minutes, you wouldn't hit a man with glasses, would you? That reminds me, I have to go get a pair.

"McHale's Navy: Secret Chimp 007 (#4.22)" (1966)
The Gypsy: I am'a no spy. I am'a gypsy. Listen. Listen. The violin... I will make the violin cry.
Lester Gruber: [Gypsy starts playing the violin] That's not crying, that hysterical.

"McHale's Navy: A Star Falls on Taratupa (#3.35)" (1965)
Lester Gruber: [the crew is making Hollywood pin-up pictures to sell] Alright let's move it guys, we have orders to fill. Let me see, we have orders for six Rita Hayworth's, four Ginger Rogers', a dozen pictures of Trigger.
George Christopher: Trigger?
Lester Gruber: Yeah, from the Army Cavalry Unit. They've been out here a long time.

"McHale's Navy: The Mothers of PT-73 (#1.25)" (1963)
Ensign Charles Parker: Mothers Day sure won't seem the same without Mom.
Lester Gruber: Ahh, let's not get maudlin, Mr. Parker. Why, if all those guys show up, think of all the gifts we'll be able to afford. We'll be sending our mothers mink coats, mink aprons, mink mink!

"McHale's Navy: Will the Real Admiral Please Stand Up? (#3.29)" (1965)
Lester Gruber: [getting of the boat for leave in New Caledonia] What's it going to be first men- wine, women or songs.
'Tinker' Bell: Decisions, Decisions.

"McHale's Navy: The Bathtub Thief (#4.2)" (1965)
George Christopher: [guys are trying to take a shower] Oh man, how do they expect us to live without any running water?
Lester Gruber: We've got running water, you just have to run a mile and a half to get it.

"McHale's Navy: Parents Anonymous (#1.32)" (1963)
Harrison Bell: Hey! Somebody been stealing my cloth!
Fuji Kobiaji: Somebody been eating in my kitchen!
Lt. Commander Quinton McHale: Hey! Somebody been sleeping in my bed!
Lester Gruber: You three bears want to start looking for Goldilocks.

"McHale's Navy: Have Kimono, Will Travel (#2.6)" (1963)
Lt. Commander Quinton McHale: [Parker's in a magic trick that did not work out right] Chuck are you alright?
[to Gruber]
Lt. Commander Quinton McHale: What are you trying to do, get rid of my executive officer?
Lester Gruber: I can explain it. Too much Abra and not enough Cadabra.

"McHale's Navy: Make Room for Orvie (#3.36)" (1965)
Lt. Commander Quinton McHale: [the chimp has just stole the PT 73] Who's ever going to believe that a chimp stole the PT 73. A banana eating chimp. Boy, this is the living end.
Virgil Edwards: Yeah, the end for us.
George Christopher: He'll wreck it for sure.
Lester Gruber: Why couldn't he swipe hubcaps like the other kids?

"McHale's Navy: Send This Ensign to Camp (#3.25)" (1965)
Lester Gruber: [the crew is looking at Ensign Parker's old summer camp photo album] Hey, who's that guy over there? The guy with the hairy knees.
Ensign Charles Parker: Huh? Oh! That's Uncle Woody. He was our camp counselor. Boy, he was a great guy. Taught me how to swim in one lesson.
Virgil Edwards: In one lesson? You're kiddin'!
Ensign Charles Parker: No, really! He just took me out on the boat in the middle of the lake and threw me in.
Willy Moss: Man, that's really the hard way!
Ensign Charles Parker: Oh, once I cut my way out of the sack, it was easy. Boy, those were the good old days.

"McHale's Navy: Dear Diary (#2.23)" (1964)
Virgil Edwards: [Gruber is tasting some home-brew they just made] What's it taste like Gin or Vodka.
Lester Gruber: A little like both, with a touch of lighter fluid thrown in.

McHale's Navy (1997)
Capt. Wallace B. Binghampton: Suck in that gut sailor!
Gruber: I'm totally sucked!