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Quotes for
Ted Collins (Character)
from Eulogy (2004)

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Eulogy (2004)
Fred Collins: What the hell is that?
Aunt Lily: It's your birthday cake. I was hoping it would be a surprise.
Ted Collins: I'm more than surprised. I'm shocked!
Fred Collins: This isn't what we ordered.
Aunt Lily: You don't *order* your mother. I spent two days making...
Ted Collins: We *ordered* an erotic cheesecake.
Aunt Lily: Excuse me?
Ted Collins: You're excused.

Ted Collins: Thanks, but, uh, I've already had my mucous course for the day.
Alice Collins: Listen, you shut your spit-cave you foul-mouthed little shit-fucker before I beat the living snot out of you.

Lucy Collins: [Lucy and Judy enter the house]
[to Judy]
Lucy Collins: You remember Skip?
Judy: Yeah.
Lucy Collins: And the boys Tim and Jim, right?
Skip Collins: Yeah, close enough.
Judy: Hi guys, I'm uh, I'm Lucy's life partner.
Fred Collins: [Together with Ted] Lesbians.
Ted Collins: [Together with Fred] Lesbians.

Lucy Collins: You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your vagina.
Alice Collins: My vagina, as you are so whimsically about to refer to it, has served as sacred passage, for three anatomically correct children, so...
Fred Collins: Bad image.
Ted Collins: [hits head twice] Erase, erase.

Judy: [on the couch reading, sees Ted and Fred] Yes, boys?
Fred Collins: Can we help you with anything?
Ted Collins: Maybe intern with you?
Judy: [pauses and stares] You can rub my feet if you want.
[sticks foot in the air]

Skip Collins: This is why your mother left us.
Ted Collins: She was a hack.
Fred Collins: I've seen better moms on TV.

Skip Collins: Guys, c'mon.We've got this funeral
Ted Collins: Grandpa's not going anywhere
Skip Collins: Get in the car!

Skip Collins: That's try not to be the biggest freaks in the circus.
Ted Collins: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Fred Collins: He wants us to say 'No thank you' instead of 'Eat my ass Jello'.

Ted Collins: So, what'd he leave us?
Charlotte Collins: Your grandfather's will won't be read until after the funeral.
Fred Collins: Talk about being early.

Ted Collins: If I ever...
Fred Collins: Single bullet...
Ted Collins: Through my left eye...

Lucy Collins: What're you laughing at?
Ted Collins: I don't know.
Fred Collins: But I can't wait to find out what you two vageniuses are up to.
Judy: What did you just say?
Ted Collins: Lez vocab word!
Lucy Collins: [to Judy] What did he just call us?
Judy: Vageniuses.
Fred Collins: It's a compound compliment.

Skip Collins: My pop never told me. He never told me... How much he...
Fred Collins: Stop.
Skip Collins: What?
Ted Collins: You were going to say the L word.
Skip Collins: I just...
Ted Collins: Dad, we know how you feel. Don't cheapen it with words.