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: [about to set his grandfather's casket on fire
] Dad! Lighter! Skip Collins
: Be careful, guys. I love this lighter.
: What the hell is that? Aunt Lily
: It's your birthday cake. I was hoping it would be a surprise. Ted Collins
: I'm more than surprised. I'm shocked! Fred Collins
: This isn't what we ordered. Aunt Lily
: You don't *order* your mother. I spent two days making... Ted Collins
: We *ordered* an erotic cheesecake. Aunt Lily
: Excuse me? Ted Collins
: You're excused.
: [Lucy and Judy enter the house
] Lucy Collins
: You remember Skip? Judy
: Yeah. Lucy Collins
: And the boys Tim and Jim, right? Skip Collins
: Yeah, close enough. Judy
: Hi guys, I'm uh, I'm Lucy's life partner. Fred Collins
: [Together with Ted
] Lesbians. Ted Collins
: [Together with Fred
: You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your vagina. Alice Collins
: My vagina, as you are so whimsically about to refer to it, has served as sacred passage, for three anatomically correct children, so... Fred Collins
: Bad image. Ted Collins
: [hits head twice
] Erase, erase.
: [on the couch reading, sees Ted and Fred
] Yes, boys? Fred Collins
: Can we help you with anything? Ted Collins
: Maybe intern with you? Judy
: [pauses and stares
] You can rub my feet if you want.
[sticks foot in the air
: This is why your mother left us. Ted Collins
: She was a hack. Fred Collins
: I've seen better moms on TV.
: That's try not to be the biggest freaks in the circus. Ted Collins
: What the hell is that supposed to mean? Fred Collins
: He wants us to say 'No thank you' instead of 'Eat my ass Jello'.
: So, what'd he leave us? Charlotte Collins
: Your grandfather's will won't be read until after the funeral. Fred Collins
: Talk about being early.
: If I ever... Fred Collins
: Single bullet... Ted Collins
: Through my left eye...
: What're you laughing at? Ted Collins
: I don't know. Fred Collins
: But I can't wait to find out what you two vageniuses are up to. Judy
: What did you just say? Ted Collins
: Lez vocab word! Lucy Collins
: [to Judy
] What did he just call us? Judy
: Vageniuses. Fred Collins
: It's a compound compliment.
: My pop never told me. He never told me... How much he... Fred Collins
: Stop. Skip Collins
: What? Ted Collins
: You were going to say the L word. Skip Collins
: I just... Ted Collins
: Dad, we know how you feel. Don't cheapen it with words.