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: [referring to Judy, Lucy's girlfriend
] I really can't believe you brought her. Lucy Collins
: Hello, Alice. Alice Collins
: No, it's just, I thought you'd come alone. It's family. Lucy Collins
: Are you starting already? Alice Collins
: Oh, no, no, no. Its just it didn't occur to me to bring my sex toy. Did you bring any sex toys? Lucy Collins
: You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your vagina.
: Thanks, but, uh, I've already had my mucous course for the day. Alice Collins
: Listen, you shut your spit-cave you foul-mouthed little shit-fucker before I beat the living snot out of you.
: [Alice's mom comes back from the hospital after trying to kill herself, she enters the house
] Hi, Mother, try it again and I'll kill you myself.
: You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your vagina. Alice Collins
: My vagina, as you are so whimsically about to refer to it, has served as sacred passage, for three anatomically correct children, so... Fred Collins
: Bad image. Ted Collins
: [hits head twice
] Erase, erase.
: We pumped your mother's stomach. Alice Collins
: Yeah, it was an accident. Lucy Collins
: How did she accidentally chug half a bottle of sleeping pills. Alice Collins
: [to the doctor
] She was cleaning them up. Lucy Collins
: With her mouth?
: [Asking Doctor about suicidal mother
] When can we take her home? Doctor
: Well just overnight then tomorrow I'll sign her out and you can take her home. Alice Collins
: Well, I think could you keep her. For another day just to be safe. Lucy Collins
: [to Alice
] Oh. My. God. Alice Collins
: Bite me.
: I suppose I owe you an apology... Judy
: ...Are you working up to it?
: It won't work. Everyone knows that the only gay relationships that last are the ones between people of the same height.
: I'm sorry, I live in the real world. I work hard at raising a decent family. You don't see me prancing around in my pajamas all day, starting up pillow fights with my topless girlfriend... Kate Collins
: ...What are we talking about?
: This isn't about you so. Judy
: Are you talking to the sex toy? Alice Collins
: I'm sure you're a very nice lesbian. Is that the preferred term? Judy
: No, no. We prefer whore.
] Skip Collins
: [at wedding
] It's not a dirty joke. It's not a dirty joke! Just let people... Alice Collins
: [trying to grab the microphone
] Skip Collins
: These two gym teachers walk into a hardware store... Alice Collins
: [finally gets the microphone away from him