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: [referring to Judy, Lucy's girlfriend
] I really can't believe you brought her. Lucy Collins
: Hello, Alice. Alice Collins
: No, it's just, I thought you'd come alone. It's family. Lucy Collins
: Are you starting already? Alice Collins
: Oh, no, no, no. Its just it didn't occur to me to bring my sex toy. Did you bring any sex toys? Lucy Collins
: You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your vagina.
: I'm sorry about Grandpa. Lucy Collins
: Oh, Katie! Nobody blames you!
: [Alice is in the front seat reminiscing and laughing with Samantha, Lucy scornfully mocks her sister from the back seat
] Oh, look at how silly and normal I can act when I'm not persecuting my sister!
[laughs insincerely to mock Alice
: Hey, did we have a blackout last night? Kate Collins
: That's what I heard. Skip Collins
: Yeah, we sure did. I couldn't even find my room.
[Lucy smacks him with a newspaper
] Skip Collins
: What? Lucy Collins
: You found my room all right. Skip Collins
: It was dark. Lucy Collins
: So you hid in my closet? With your *kids*? Skip Collins
] We were lost!
: Hey, hey, hey! You guys! Could one of you *please* tell me one nice thing I can say about your dead father Lucy Collins
: [after a long pause
] He often called me Andrea for no reason. Daniel Collins
: I was Barry.
: This is bullshit. Judy
: Luce... Lucy Collins
: No! I'm sorry, screw her! Judy
: Come on, Luce... Lucy Collins
: No! Don't! She has made a business out of persecuting me and I'm supposed to sit here, at my father's funeral, and watch her fuck-sing at Samantha?
] Lucy Collins
: Screw that!
: [Lucy and Judy enter the house
] Lucy Collins
: You remember Skip? Judy
: Yeah. Lucy Collins
: And the boys Tim and Jim, right? Skip Collins
: Yeah, close enough. Judy
: Hi guys, I'm uh, I'm Lucy's life partner. Fred Collins
: [Together with Ted
] Lesbians. Ted Collins
: [Together with Fred
: You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your vagina. Alice Collins
: My vagina, as you are so whimsically about to refer to it, has served as sacred passage, for three anatomically correct children, so... Fred Collins
: Bad image. Ted Collins
: [hits head twice
] Erase, erase.
: We pumped your mother's stomach. Alice Collins
: Yeah, it was an accident. Lucy Collins
: How did she accidentally chug half a bottle of sleeping pills. Alice Collins
: [to the doctor
] She was cleaning them up. Lucy Collins
: With her mouth?
: [Asking Doctor about suicidal mother
] When can we take her home? Doctor
: Well just overnight then tomorrow I'll sign her out and you can take her home. Alice Collins
: Well, I think could you keep her. For another day just to be safe. Lucy Collins
: [to Alice
] Oh. My. God. Alice Collins
: Bite me.
: What're you laughing at? Ted Collins
: I don't know. Fred Collins
: But I can't wait to find out what you two vageniuses are up to. Judy
: What did you just say? Ted Collins
: Lez vocab word! Lucy Collins
: [to Judy
] What did he just call us? Judy
: Vageniuses. Fred Collins
: It's a compound compliment.