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: Look at that crack in the ceiling. You know that party caused that. Helen Roper
: The party didn't cause that. Stanley Roper
: Oh yah. Then what did? Helen Roper
: It was the earthquake last year. Oh it was exciting. Stanley Roper
: Exciting? Helen Roper
: Yah, it was the first time our bed moved in years.
: You know, Helen, you've got enough mouth for three lips!
: I wonder what game's going on up there. Helen Roper
: Oh, probably something delightfully kinky that only three can play.
[to his wife
] Stanley Roper
: You know, it's a shame you don't live in India. You'd be sacred there.
: [naked behind the flower box
] Don't come over here, Stanley! Stanley Roper
: Why not? What are you got back there that I haven't seen before? Janet Wood
: Me! Chrissy Snow
: Janet, what are you doing back there? Janet Wood
: Giving the azalias a thrill.
: [Helen and Janet are naked
] Why didn't you go into the apartment? Helen Roper
: The door's locked! Stanley Roper
: Why didn't you take your key? Helen Roper
: Where would I keep it, Stanley?
: Stanley, You have to see the bathroom. Stanley Roper
: Why? I don't have to go.
: This is a perefect spot for my drumset Jeffrey P. Brookes III
: Oh, absolute, you play the drums? Stanley Roper
: Only when I give a party... three or four times a week. Jeffrey P. Brookes III
: Three, or four times a week? Stanley Roper
: They come mainly for the cock fighting.
: Stanley, you can't play a bugle at a wedding. It's not appropriate. Stanley Roper
: Why not? It started all the other wars.
: [trying to get to roommates to clear his yard
] Who would benefit from cleaning it? Janet Wood
: You would! Stanley Roper
: Who would enjoy the fresh air and exercise? Chrissy Snow
: Not us! Stanley Roper
: Who can't afford a rent increase on their apartment? Jack Tripper
: Mr Roper, there is a word for the kind of threat that you just made. Stanley Roper
: Yeah? What? Jack Tripper
: Mr. Roper, you didn't tell me there was another woman! Stanley Roper
: This isn't a woman, this is Mrs. Dawson! Chrissy
: Oh! She's married! Janet Wood Dawson
: Chrissy, I wonder if her husband knows! Chrissy
: Of course he knows, he must have been at the wedding!
: I know. I'll get a job that's what I'll do. Stanley Roper
: What? You get a job? What can you do? Helen Roper
: I can do lots of things. I worked before. When I was a girl I used to work for the post office. Stanley Roper
: Well, times have changed since the Pony Express.