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: Where would all the great women of history be if they thought like that? Look at Joan of Arc and what she accomplished. And Florence Nightingale and Madame Curie. Chrissy Snow
: And Lucrezia Borgia. Janet Wood
: She poisoned people. Chrissy Snow
: Yeah but she was very good at it. Jack Tripper
: [putting a piece of cheese in her mouth
] Chew. Don't talk.
: [cheerleading while the others are trying to talk
] Chicka chicka boom! Chicka chicka bah! I don't know the rest of it, so ha ha ha! Jack Tripper
: [shoving a piece of cheese in her mouth
] Chrissy chrissy chew chew rah rah rah!
: [uncomfortable with her bust size
] I am so sick of hearing men make those stupid comments. 'Hey baby, how about coming over here and keeping the rain off me?' Jack Tripper
: What do they say on sunny days?
: I can't remember the last time a guy looked into my eyes. They could be hard boiled eggs for all they care. Chrissy Snow
: Oh, you have lovely eyes. Right, Jack? Jack Tripper
: Sure, I noticed your eggs, I mean eyes...
: What's the boat for? Cindy Snow
: It's for the swimming pool. Jack Tripper
: We don't have a pool. Cindy Snow
: I thought Chrissy said everyone down here had a pool. Jack Tripper
: Ours was stolen.
: [Cindy's arrival has caused chaos
] I hope Hurricane Cindy is just passing through.
: Still, I'm glad to see my luck hasn't changed. Janet Wood
: What do you mean? Cindy Snow
: Well, back home, I used to play second fiddle to Chrissy because she was so beautiful. I finally leave home only to have a gorgeous roommate. Janet Wood
: [totally flattered
] Well, we hope you'll be very happy here. Jack Tripper
: [appearing in the bedroom door
] Janet, can I speak to you for a second? Jack Tripper
: [in the living room
] How long is she staying here? Janet Wood
: As long as she likes.
[returns to Cindy
] Jack Tripper
: [camera zoom in
: It's time to toast the bride and groom. Janet Wood
: OK. Jack Tripper
: To Gloria and Larry. Happy days. Janet Wood
: Good times. Chrissy Snow
: Little house on the prairie!
: [after catching Jack and Gloria in a compromising position
] You're a rat! Janet Wood
: A pig. Chrissy Snow
: A snake! Janet Wood
: A skunk. Chrissy Snow
: A giraffe! Jack Tripper
: Giraffe? Chrissy Snow
: Well, I ran out of animals.
: I'm hoping to open up a little restaurant for people who can really appreciate high prices.
[Jack takes a bite of the lousy-made scrambled eggs made by Janet
] Jack Tripper
] Um... I, uh... This-this is horrible. Ohh! Chrissy
: Well, do you think can do any better? Jack Tripper
: The proof will be in the eating. Let me see what you got in here.
[Jack looks in the refrigerator
] Jack Tripper
: Okay, eggs, butter. What are these, mushrooms? An onion. Well start with that. Janet Wood
: Start what? Jack Tripper
: Eggs Madeira Funchal.
] Jack Tripper
: Can you boil an egg? Chrissy
: Well, I don't know. Eleanor always did the cooking.
[Jack pats Chrissy on her head as he prepares the meal
] Janet Wood
: Are you sure you know what you're doing? Jack Tripper
: Oh, yes. I-I'm studying to be a chef at the L.A. Technical College. You are looking at the Galloping Gourmet of 1980. Janet Wood
: Oh, it takes that long? Jack Tripper
: You have to learn how to trot before you can gallop. who said that?
: My Diary, by Wanda X. Chrissy Snow
: Yeah. I wonder what the X stands for. Jack Tripper
: MMMMM, Chrissy, have you read this? X isn't a name, it's a rating!
: You talk and I'll type. Jack Tripper
: Ok. January 1st. My eyes opened to the dawn of a new year. I looked over and saw Julian's sleeping form. Something stirred within me, some deep primitive lust. I reached over, touched Julian's shoulder and...
[stops reading and eyes widen in disbelief
] Chrissy Snow
: Jack... Jack Tripper
: Shhh! Chrissy Snow
: What happens when she touched Julian's shoulder? Jack Tripper
: Everything. Here, read this entry here. Chrissy Snow
: [reads it in increasing disbelief
] Did you see what she did on Washington's birthday? Jack Tripper
: Yeah, I'll be old George didn't even do that on his honeymoon.
: Monsieur, what is this? Jack Tripper
: Uh... uh... Jack a-la carte!
: Jack, I have a two-part question... Why? Jack Tripper
: How is that a two-part question? Chrissy
: [turning to Janet
] We both want to know!
: Okay, but I have a date with Elmo. If I'm late, he'll blow his top. Jack Tripper
: Don't worry Chrissy.
[taps his temple
] Jack Tripper
: He has nothing up there that's gonna get hurt in the explosion.
: [trying to get to roommates to clear his yard
] Who would benefit from cleaning it? Janet Wood
: You would! Stanley Roper
: Who would enjoy the fresh air and exercise? Chrissy Snow
: Not us! Stanley Roper
: Who can't afford a rent increase on their apartment? Jack Tripper
: Mr Roper, there is a word for the kind of threat that you just made. Stanley Roper
: Yeah? What? Jack Tripper
: [Clears throat
] Larry Dallas
: "Dear Sleazebucket," Janet Wood
: Sleazebucket? Larry Dallas
: Would you type?
] Larry Dallas
: It is slime like you that makes this world stink. Only vermin would take advantage of their position to rob innocent people of their outcomes, period. Here's hoping that all the scummy things you've done to others, comma will come back to you ten times over. Your friend, Jack Tripper, today's date. Jack Tripper
: Thanks a lot, Larry. Janet Wood
: I'll put in the mail tomorrow morning. Jack Tripper
: How did you come up with all that stuff so fast? Larry Dallas
: Oh it was easy. I got the same letter down at the used car lot today.
: [after leaving the puppy at the Ropers
] Well, she has a parakeet and I figure anyone that loves parakeets must love dogs. Jack Tripper
: What about MR Roper? Chrissy Snow
: Well I guess she loves him too, otherwise she would have left him a long time ago.
[she turns and Jack reaches to choke her
: It was nice meeting you, Denise. Larry Dallas
: Dorothy! Diane
: A toast! Here's to Jack and here's to Chrissy. Let's get started with a little kissy. Chrissy Snow
: Hold it. If you think I'm that kind of date you can go home right now. Jack Tripper
: I live here. Chrissy Snow
: That's no excuse.
: Cindy, look, there are to two ways to open a door: the right way and your way.
: [neither one can go through with their bet anymore
] What do you say, Chrissy? Wanna call it a draw? Chrissy Snow
: Uh huh. Jack Tripper
: COME HERE, GRACE! Ok. On the count of three, we both start to nibble.
: Chrissy. Is that all birdseed? Chrissy Snow
: Oh no. It's half a roast chicken from Mrs. Roper. Jack Tripper
: Hey, wait-wait, Chrissy. What happened to the birdseed? Chrissy Snow
: Mr. Roper ate it.
: BARK! B, be somebody. A, act like somebody. R, react like somebody. K, collect your rewards! Jack Tripper
: Don't "collect" begin with a C? Dr. Prescott
: Yes, Tripper, but then that would spell "BARC".
: Wait a minute, you'd go to a nude beach and get naked in front of total strangers but you wouldn't in front of me? That doesn't make any sense. Chrissy Snow
: It makes perfect sense. See I don't know them, and they don't know me and they don't know who they're seeing, and I don't know who's seeing me. But I know you, and you know me, and you know who you're seeing, and I know who's seeing me. And both of them are me! See? Jack Tripper
: No, I don't see. Chrissy Snow
: And you're not going to, either.
: [a girl has just given jack a few judo flips around the kitchen
] Felipe? Why didn't you help out? Felipe Gomez
: She didn't need no help.
: The cake looks great, I thought you were supposed to make it out of sawdust. Jack Tripper
: It is Larry. Trust me, before it was cake it was a bookcase.
: [after Nancy has made Leo leave while Jack is out of the room
] Where's Leo? Nancy Norwood
: Um, he left. Jack Tripper
] Just like that? Was I too rough on him, do you think? Nancy Norwood
: Forget about him.
] Nancy Norwood
: I'M still here. Jack Tripper
: Why would he leave? Nancy Norwood
] I told him he was a nuisance and in the way. I did you a favor... I got rid of him. Jack Tripper
] You what? Nancy Norwood
: Aw, come on, Jack! I mean, who would you rather have around? A broken down old man or...
] Nancy Norwood
: me? Jack Tripper
: [smiles back
] No contest, Nancy. Nancy Norwood
: I thought not. Jack Tripper
: [maintains smile
] Get out. Nancy Norwood
: [in shocked disbelief
] What? Jack Tripper
: Excuse me... get out, please.
[goes to door and holds it open for her
: Mr. Roper, you didn't tell me there was another woman! Stanley Roper
: This isn't a woman, this is Mrs. Dawson! Chrissy
: Oh! She's married! Janet Wood Dawson
: Chrissy, I wonder if her husband knows! Chrissy
: Of course he knows, he must have been at the wedding!
: [Mr. Furley is standing outside the bathroom and eavesdropping while Jack and Chrissy are installing a shower curtain
] Okay, Chrissy, I'll get in the tub with you, then we can get it on. Chrissy
: Get next to me, I'll show you what to do. Jack Tripper
: This isn't exactly the first time I've ever done this. Chrissy
: Maybe so, but girls are better at this than boys. Jack Tripper
: Come on, Chrissy. A little less talk and a little more action, okay? Chrissy
: Okay, you do your part and I'll do mine. I don't think it'll reach! Jack Tripper
: Of course not, you've got to unfold it first!
Janet Wood Dawson
: Darlene is a $100 a night call girl! Jack Tripper
: Janet, don't you see I'm talking to my *mother*! Jack Tripper
: But I thought she was Miss Einstein! Janet Wood Dawson
: So... she's a smart call girl!
: I'll say this for you, you've got nerve. Jack Tripper
: Asking you for a loan? Louise Prescott
: Asking me for a date. I'm sorry, Mr. Tripper, but, you see, this bank can not give money to someone who can't pay it back. Jack Tripper
: Well, I think that's pretty selfish of you.