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Quotes for
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein (Character)
from "Boy Meets World" (1993)

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"Boy Meets World: Wrong Side of the Tracks (#2.19)" (1995)
Jonathan Turner: Hey, Keiner. You got a minute?
Harley Keiner: Nah. Sorry, fresh out.
Jonathan Turner: Find one.
Harley Keiner: Oh! There's one now.
Jonathan Turner: I notice Shawn Hunter's been hanging out with you and your boys.
Harley Keiner: Sorry, Mr. Turner. We're full up. We'll be happy to put you on the waiting list though.
Jonathan Turner: Look, Keiner. Cut the kid a break, will ya?
Harley Keiner: Yeah, I think I did by letting him hang out with me.
Jonathan Turner: Yeah. What a guy you are.
Harley Keiner: Well, you know.
Jonathan Turner: But somehow I don't think that's what the kid needs right now.
Harley Keiner: Oh, am I getting a speech?
Jonathan Turner: You'll get more than that if Hunter's not back in my class.
[He leaves]
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: What's the matter? You just stood there and took that from a teacher?
Frankie Stechino: How come you didn't say nothing?
Harley Keiner: Because actions speak louder than words, gentlemen. I just came up with the perfect initiation for Hunter.

Harley Keiner: Turner's bike. Clearly he takes very good care of it. Not a scratch on it and look how it shines.
Frankie Stechino: You could eat it.
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: You mean eat off it.
Frankie Stechino: I said what I said.

Shawn Hunter: Can I take a couple practice swings first?
Frankie Stechino: You know what I'm thinking?
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: What are you thinking, Frankie?
Frankie Stechino: I'm thinking he ain't got the guts, Joey.
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: Yeah, I'm smelling chicken. A big one, extra crispy. I say we take him to the Colonel. He'll pluck ya, fry ya and serve ya in a bucket with biscuits!
Frankie Stechino: Ooh I just remembered something.
[He leaves]

"Boy Meets World: The Uninvited (#2.5)" (1994)
Harvey 'Harley' Keiner: Don't think I forgot about you, Baboon. Don't think I forgot about last Tuesday. You sat in my chair in the cafeteria.
Cory Matthews: I'm sorry, Harley. I didn't know it was your chair.
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: Hey, everybody knows that's Harley's chair. Everybody knows it's always been Harley's chair and it's always gonna be Harley's chair every year that he's a senior. Ain't that right, Frankie?
Frankie Stechino: What are you sayin'? I like my sister?
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: No, no! I'm not sayin' that. I'm just sayin' you have a very... close family.
[Frankie walks away]
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: Hey, where ya goin'?
Frankie Stechino: I wanna call home.

Harvey 'Harley' Keiner: All right. Thirty-three billion. That's a new record. Go carve my initials into that kid's head.
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: That's some score, Harley. That's the best score I ever seen. Nobody's gonna beat that score for, like, a million years. Ain't that right, Frankie?
Frankie Stechino: What are you sayin'? Sometimes at night I like to write poetry?
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: No! I'm just sayin' that, you know.
[Frankie walks away and Joey follows him]
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: Actually, I think that's kinda cool. What are they, sonnets?
Harvey 'Harley' Keiner: I gotta get me some better-adjusted guys.

"Boy Meets World: Wake Up, Little Cory (#2.7)" (1994)
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: Hey, hey, hey, Matthews. What the heck you doing here?
Cory Matthews: Oh, we're making a documentary. It's about what everybody thinks about love and stuff.
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: Hey, that's cool. What's it about?
Cory Matthews: I'll show it to you when it's done.
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: Can I be in it?
Cory Matthews: You're in it now.
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: You gonna ask me a question?
Cory Matthews: Ok. What do you have to say about men and women and... huh... you know?
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: Ok. Sex is very beautiful. Especially within the confines of a loving, monogamous relationship. Preferably marriage.
Cory Matthews: That's really nice.
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: Hey, thanks. Hey, is it all right if I say hi to my kids?

Harvey 'Harley' Keiner: Joey tells me you're shooting a documentary in my hallway. Did I say you could shoot a documentary in my hallway?
Cory Matthews: It's OK. It's for school.
Harvey 'Harley' Keiner: Yeah, yeah... school. But nevertheless, here I see you shooting without the proper permits.
Cory Matthews: Permits?
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: Yeah, I think what Harley's gonna need here is a location plus new equipment rental fee.
Cory Matthews: How much is that?
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: How much you got?
Cory Matthews: Three bucks.
Joseph 'Joey the Rat' Epstein: Three bucks. But if you let Harley pound your face, maybe we could work out a discount.
Cory Matthews: Harley, you know, maybe we can avoid all this money and face-pounding if you felt personally involved in the project.
Harvey 'Harley' Keiner: What are you saying?
Cory Matthews: I'm saying I'd put you in the film. Picture it. Sex, starring Harley Keiner.
Harvey 'Harley' Keiner: Okay, Baboon. Make me a star.