Ray Carling
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Quotes for
Ray Carling (Character)
from "Life on Mars" (2006)

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"Ashes to Ashes: Episode #2.7" (2009)
Molly Drake: Mum? Mum? Mummy? Mummy? Mum? The doctor got the bullet out. You're going to be okay. He said if you get plenty of rest, and if there are no complications, you're going to wake up. You're going to be fine. Mum? Mummy? Mum?...
Chris Skelton: ...Ma'am? Do you want a biscuit, ma'am? Do you want a biscuit?
Alex Drake: No, I, erm, must have dozed off.
Gene Hunt: This is supposed to be a stakeout not a midnight feast at Malory Towers.
DS Ray Carling: Pillow fights and gym knickers, eh?
[All laugh]
Gene Hunt: Shake a leg, boys. Informant has it something big is going off, and I'm not referring to Ray's unsavoury teenage fantasies.
Chris Skelton: Here you are, guv, Shaz made it.
Gene Hunt: Not enough sugar. Or milk. Or tea.

Gene Hunt: Daddy Bear in position.
DS Ray Carling: Big Bear set.
Chris Skelton: Baby Bear ready.

DS Ray Carling: [He uses a pneumatic/jackhammer drill to break away the concrete surrounding the dead body]
Gene Hunt: Oi! Oi! What do you think you're doing?
DS Ray Carling: Digging him out.
Gene Hunt: We want a body on a mortuary slab not a plate of dog food, use a ruddy chisel.
DS Ray Carling: Guv, that'll take ages.
Gene Hunt: Well you better get started then.
Chris Skelton: I haven't had my turn yet.

DS Ray Carling: Now that sounds more like it. What's she like?
Shaz Granger: Karen? She's great.
DS Ray Carling: She's great?
Chris Skelton: Yeah, she's great, Karen. Dead funny. Really nice
[mimes big boobs]
Chris Skelton: personality.
DS Ray Carling: I like that in my woman, a good
[mimes big boobs]
DS Ray Carling: personality!

DS Ray Carling: Guv. You know I wouldn't go behind your back, don't you?
Gene Hunt: It's all right, Raymondo, I know I can trust you. That hit and run was attempted murder, the lad knew what was on the missing note. Something else. I've got a file, physical evidence that could nail Lafferty, but I can't keep it here, not at the moment. It's in a safety deposit box on Talbot Street. Box number one sixteen.
DS Ray Carling: One sixteen.
Gene Hunt: Just in case I end up on the wrong end of a car accident.
DS Ray Carling: Right, Guv.

"Ashes to Ashes: Episode #2.8" (2009)
DS Ray Carling: Sulk over then?
Chris Skelton: As long as this shit stops now.
DS Ray Carling: Fair enough.
Alex Drake: Chris made a real breakthrough today on Operation Rose. Quite frankly, he was brilliant.

Gene Hunt: What are the bricks doing? Somebody talk to me, what are the bloody bricks doing?
DS Ray Carling: Hang on, Guv, they're getting redirected. Bullion van's on its way. They're taking the van on the back streets. Drake was right. It's King Douglas Lane.

DS Ray Carling: Guv, we got this name from Tiny Tim's place.
Gene Hunt: King Dong Job?
DS Ray Carling: Yeah, King Dong. You know? Coloured porn star with a big massive... Black porn star with the massive... Oh, he's a chocolate lad with a great whopping knob.
Alex Drake: Could this be code?
Gene Hunt: Either that or our bent coppers are making a bluey starring Daley Thompson.
DS Ray Carling: I would pay good money to see that.
Alex Drake: You know what, so would I.
Gene Hunt: You couple of pervs.

"Life on Mars: Episode #1.5" (2006)
Ray Carling: I'm arresting you for the theft of a motor vehicle, resisting arrest... and driving like a div.

Ray Carling: I think it was a heart attack.
Gene: Then it must've exploded out of his arse, there's blood all down his back.

[Gene and Sam need to get a pub landlord out of the way so that they can go undercover]
Gene: Ray! Go and arrest the landlord of the Trafford Arms
Ray Carling: What for?
Gene: Think of something on the way.
Gene: In a bizarre twist of fate the landlord was arrested this afternoon... on suspicion of Cattle Rustling.
[Ray takes a bow and receives a round of applause]

"Life on Mars: Everyone Knows It's Windy (#1.16)" (2009)
Detective Ray Carling: Checkers with Windy?
Detective Sam Tyler: Yeah.
Detective Ray Carling: What kind of name is Windy?
Detective Sam Tyler: A five letter word for "bite me."

Detective Ray Carling: [to an FBI agent searching Detective Sam Tyler's closet] Hey, Efrem Zimbalist Jr. Mint! How about we wrap it up, huh? Clearly the only crime is Tyler's taste in clothing.

"Life on Mars: Episode #2.4" (2007)
Ray Carling: Woman in her 20s.
Chris Skelton: Dead.
Gene Hunt: Well I didn't think she was sunbathing, did I?

[Sam, Gene, Ray and Chris are covertly bugging a suspect's garage. Suddenly, a police siren can be heard outside]
Ray Carling: The law! The law!
Gene Hunt: Get down, you div!
[they all duck behind a car]
Sam Tyler: [realising] *We are* the law, you bloody clowns!

"Life on Mars: Episode #2.2" (2007)
[DC Glen Fletcher, a black officer, has just joined the team, after DC Annie Cartwright joined a few weeks ago]
Ray Carling: [to everyone] First women, now a coloured. What going to be next, dwarves?
Ray Carling: [to Fletcher, refusing to shake his hand] You here to do the *spade* work?

Chris Skelton: Dickie's famous for getting caught in Alicante.
Ray Carling: Flagrante, Chris, in flagrante.

"Life on Mars: Episode #2.7" (2007)
Sam Tyler: You can't go in there. You're public enemy n°1.
[Gene puts on big sunglasses]
Sam Tyler: That's your idea of a disguise?
Gene: I pass through crowds like the invisible man
[they get out of the car, Ray and Chris drive up]
Ray Carling: Guv! It's Morgan. We've got to bring you in.

"Life on Mars: The Real Adventures of the Unreal Sam Tyler (#1.2)" (2008)
Detective Ray Carling: [referring to Lee and Sam] Like two peas in a pansy pod.
Lee Crocker: Detective, if ignorance were a drug, you'd be high all the time.
Detective Sam Tyler: Now that was an analogy.

"Ashes to Ashes: Episode #1.3" (2008)
DI Alex Drake: [to Gene] What do you want? Me to morph into a nun? It's not like I've shagged an entire rugby team, is it?
DS Ray Carling: [quietly to Chris] Bet she has.

"Ashes to Ashes: Episode #1.7" (2008)
DI Alex Drake: I propose, that given your reaction to the gender balance of the gang, that this is their first job.
DCI Gene Hunt: What, New Kids On The Block?
DI Alex Drake: Now that's a good name for a boy band!
WPC Sharon 'Shaz' Granger: Gov.
DCI Gene Hunt: Chris, Take That! It's the dodgy second hand car dealers. East 17!
DC Chris Skelton: Alright, Backstreet Boys.
DS Ray Carling: Yeah, let's get 'em Busted!
DI Alex Drake: Ooh God! I'm gonna scream!

"Life on Mars: Episode #1.7" (2006)
[Sam and Gene are going through everyone's statements in the canteen]
Gene Hunt: What did he do when you looked in?
Ray Carling: Flicked me the Vs.
Gene Hunt: [writing] "Brandished his arms in an aggressive and violent manner".
[jump cut to Chris]
Gene Hunt: How many times did you check on him?
Chris Skelton: Once. Maybe twice.
Gene Hunt: Your memory's hardly your best quality, is it Chris? Let's round it up to four.
[jump cut to Phyllis]
Phyllis Dobbs: I said, he slid the tray along the floor at her.
Gene Hunt: [writing] "Mr Kemble angrily threw food in the face of WPC Annie Cartwright."

"Life on Mars: Episode #1.1" (2006)
Sam Tyler: I don't know who the hell you lot think you are, but *this* is my office. Here. This is a door right here. And my *desk*... Where's my desk? Where's my DESK! Chair! PC Terminal!
Ray Carling: Who? You want a constable up here?

"Life on Mars: Episode #2.8" (2007)
Ray Carling: I got shot because of you.
Sam Tyler: I know. I am truly sorry.
Ray Carling: Still... I met this bird. Medical bird.
Sam Tyler: Called nurses.
Ray Carling: Big tits and an arse like two cox's pippins in a bag.
Sam Tyler: She sounds enigmatic.
Ray Carling: No. She was from Barnsley.

"Life on Mars: Episode #1.2" (2006)
Sam Tyler: You were supposed to be watching them.
Ray Carling: Oh. It's a fair cop.
Sam Tyler: [to Gene] Trent's got Leonard. And Annie's there. On her own.

"Ashes to Ashes: Episode #3.1" (2010)
Ray Carling: [Drake is trying to fix a damaged VHS tape] Should get one of the techno-twats from Scottie Yard to sort that out.
Alex Drake: I've salvaged enough party cassettes in my time. Stand down the techno-twats, I think I've got it.

"Life on Mars: Episode #2.6" (2007)
Gene: You said he was dead!
Ray Carling: Well, he wasn't moving.
Gene: Chris doesn't move, but he's not dead!

"Life on Mars: Life Is a Rock (#1.17)" (2009)
Detective Ray Carling: It goes like this, Spaceman. We live on a rock, there ain't no rhyme, there ain't no reason. We live on a rock, just one of many. Hurling around in some big cosmic jumblelaya. Now you wanna get questiony, that's your prerogative. My ma took me to a loud church every Sunday. She squeezed her eyes shut, she pressed her rosary beads to her lips and she prayed for good things for those she loved. But, cancer took two of her sisters. Her husband couldn't make a move without a belly full of gin, her youngest son turned to a life of crime, and her oldest, me, is a nasty son of a bitch who can't get out of third gear without a snarl. So, who was she talking to every Sunday and why wasn't he answering? I will tell you why, because we live on a rock, just one of many. There ain't no answers! There's just this! And all you can really hope to do is to find a couple of people who make the seventy or eighty odd years we get to live on this sweet swinging sphere remotely tolerable.
Detective Ray Carling: I gotta take a leak.

"Ashes to Ashes: Episode #2.5" (2009)
Mickey Dillon: I'm telling you it wasn't me!
Gene Hunt: [Hunt pushes Mickey against the wall] Raymondo...
DS Ray Carling: Right.
[Carling punches Mickey in the stomach]
Gene Hunt: Are you ill?
DS Ray Carling: No, why?
Gene Hunt: You only hit him once.

"Life on Mars: All the Young Dudes (#1.15)" (2009)
Detective Ray Carling: He has marshmallow guns, knives and coffins in his bowl of Lucky Charms every morning. He's magically malicious.

"Ashes to Ashes: Episode #3.8" (2010)
Chris Skelton: Coming, Ray?
Ray Carling: You are and always will be... the Guv
Gene Hunt: Danger of getting poofy, Raymondo.

"Life on Mars: The Simple Secret of the Note in Us All (#1.12)" (2009)
Detective Ray Carling: We got nothing. Nothing! Oh-except for the fact that we now have irrefutable proof that this guy is one Brady short of a bunch.

"Life on Mars: Episode #1.8" (2006)
[last lines]
Ray Carling: So, what do you want to do now, Guv?
Gene: [thinks for a moment] Pub!
Ray Carling: [smirks] Pub.
Chris Skelton: [grins] Pub.
[Sam looks at the other three men in turn]
Sam Tyler: [slowly smiles] Pub.
[all get in car and drive off]