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Quotes for
Garner Ellerbee (Character)
from "Baywatch" (1989)

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"Baywatch Nights: Bad Blades (#1.2)" (1995)
Garner Ellerbee: First the gym, then sailboarding, then a massage and manicure, and hanging with his buds at the yacht club. Tough day. Hm, boy I tell ya. Where's he goin' next, to get his Rolex polished?
Mitch Buchannon: Are we a little cranky today?
Garner Ellerbee: Boy, that kid doesn't have a silver spoon, he's got a silver shovel.

Mitch Buchannon: You know, everyone in that group looked like world class skaters to me.
Ryan McBride: Mm, the term is inline skaters.
Garner Ellerbee: They weren't in line.

Garner Ellerbee: I told you, the boy's a knucklehead. His mother's been buying him out of trouble all his life.
Mitch Buchannon: I think she's a good mom. She just started fifteen years too late.
Garner Ellerbee: [laughing] If brains were leather, that boy couldn't saddle a flea.

"Baywatch Nights: Silent Witness (#1.3)" (1995)
Destiny Desimone: It was my bad karma, not Mitch's.
Garner Ellerbee: Yeah, but why did your bad karma have to rip my new jacket?
Mitch Buchannon: You're talkin' about a ripped jacket? I'm bleedin' to death here.
Garner Ellerbee: Man, that's a flesh wound. It'll mend, this won't.

Lou Raymond: My man, what's happenin' with the threads? You're lookin' good!
Mitch Buchannon: [laughs] Man thinks he's Shaft.
Lou Raymond: You mean he's a bad mother
Mitch Buchannon: Shut your mouth, he's a complicated man.
Lou Raymond: [singing] And nobody understands him but his woman.
Mitch Buchannon: Nobody understands him, period.
Garner Ellerbee: Except you, Mitch, which is why we're partners.
Mitch Buchannon: I knew there had to be a reason, John Shaft.

"Baywatch Nights: Kind of a Drag (#1.10)" (1995)
Mitch Buchannon: Meritorious Moose? Bogart is hired to find the Maltese Falcon and we're hired to find a Meritorious Moose?
Garner Ellerbee: Partner, a gig's a gig. Now what's this all about with you and Cindy?
Mitch Buchannon: Well, she said I wasn't in touch with my feminine side.
Garner Ellerbee: Your what?
Mitch Buchannon: My feminine side!
Garner Ellerbee: Well she's right. Most men aren't.
Mitch Buchannon: Yeah, how do you know that?
Garner Ellerbee: Sally Jessy Raphael!

Garner Ellerbee: You think Duncan did this?
Mitch Buchannon: I don't know, but there's one way to find out.
Ryan McBride: We could just set a trap and have one of the impersonators do Dahlia.
Mitch Buchannon: Got it.
Garner Ellerbee: Yeah, but which one? They're all scared to death.
Mitch Buchannon: Yeah.
[Ryan smiles wide at Mitch]
Mitch Buchannon: What?
Ryan McBride: He's a little tall.
[Garner nods]
Ryan McBride: Nice legs, decent voice. Not great, but not bad.
Mitch Buchannon: What?
Garner Ellerbee: Hm. Might even help him get in touch with his feminine side.

"Baywatch Nights: Deadly Vision (#1.4)" (1995)
Ryan McBride: [pointing a paintbrush at the office wall] Ecru!
Garner Ellerbee: Beg your pardon?
Mitch Buchannon: Ecru! It's a vegetable.
Garner Ellerbee: That's okra.

Garner Ellerbee: Repressed memories?
Destiny Desimone: Sally Jessy Raphael!
Garner Ellerbee: Sally Jessy had repressed memories?
Destiny Desimone: No, she did a show about people who did.
Garner Ellerbee: I didn't see that one.
Destiny Desimone: I have it on tape.
Ryan McBride: Oh my God, why did I leave New York?

"Baywatch Nights: Blues Boy (#1.9)" (1995)
Garner Ellerbee: [Willie Logan has just exited the office after hiring the firm to find his "dad." He's lied about his mother] Huh. She's sick. In bed.
Ryan McBride: At Auntie Em's house.
Mitch Buchannon: This isn't Kansas, Toto.
Garner Ellerbee: Hurry on down to Merv's Car Town, one oh five...
Ryan McBride: South Firestone, yeah. What's the deal?
Garner Ellerbee: Bogus little booger.

Mitch Buchannon: [searching a dark tunnel for Ryan and Willie] Flashlights always remind me of that movie, E.T. Remember? The guy with the keys in the woods?
Garner Ellerbee: Ugh, don't talk about movies.
Mitch Buchannon: Why not?
Garner Ellerbee: 'Cause I just saw Jurassic Park. Scared me to death.
Mitch Buchannon: Jurassic Park's not a scary movie. Invasion of the Body Snatchers, that's a scary movie.
Garner Ellerbee: Will you stop talking about scary movies?
Mitch Buchannon: What are you, scared?
Garner Ellerbee: I'm not scared. I'm trying to focus on a calm place, a babbling brook, a park or something.
Mitch Buchannon: Jurassic Park.

"Baywatch Nights: Thief in the Night (#1.15)" (1996)
Ryan McBride: I can't believe that this thing cost six hundred and fifty bucks, and it was on sale.
Griff Walker: Oh, hey, come on now, this stuff is gonna put you guys on the high tech map.
Garner Ellerbee: Oh, yeah, yeah, who wants to be a speed bump on the info superhighway?
Ryan McBride: Oh yeah. Yeah, you're right, Garner. But you can't eat a night scope.

"Baywatch: Sky Rider (#4.5)" (1993)
[Garner arrives at Mitch's lifeguard tower riding a horse]
Garner Ellerbee: What's the problem?
Lt. Mitch Buchannon: Uh... we just had a serious ordinance violation committed.
Garner Ellerbee: Wait, you called me here on an ordinance violation?
Lt. Mitch Buchannon: No, I called you here because these ladies' purses were stolen. You commited the ordinance violation.
Garner Ellerbee: Why?
Lt. Mitch Buchannon: What the hell is this thing doing on the beach anyway? People could be trampled out there.
Garner Ellerbee: Oh, never. Mitch, my dad owned a horse ranch in Georgia. I learned to ride horses before I learned to walk. You and your lifeguard trucks are far more dangerous than me and Kojak here. Now, you ladies can tell me what happened.
[there are plopping sounds as the horse is relieving himself]
Lt. Mitch Buchannon: Ugh! Uh, your horse dropped something. Kojak, huh? Telly Savalas never did that.

"Baywatch Nights: 976 Ways to Say I Love You (#1.6)" (1995)
Garner Ellerbee: City cellular transmission site 881. That thing up there is a cell phone antenna.
Ryan McBride: Well those things are all over the city.
Garner Ellerbee: And there's gonna be a lot more of 'em. Beepers, cell phones, portable fax machines, and those little, uh, computers the UPS guys carry around?
Ryan McBride: Right.
Garner Ellerbee: They all use low-power radio and lots of antenna.

"Baywatch Nights: Just a Gigolo (#1.5)" (1995)
Garner Ellerbee: [over the phone] Listen, Mitch. I need some help tracking down Bobby Bahama. Is Ryan busy?
Mitch Buchannon: [over the phone] Yeah, yeah, she's tied up on the gigolo case.
Garner Ellerbee: Come on, can't she break loose for a couple of hours?
Mitch Buchannon: Uh, sorry partner. No can do. Um, how about Destiny?
Garner Ellerbee: Aw give me a break. Look she's a sweet kid, but her elevator does not go all the way to the top.

"Baywatch Nights: Pressure Cooker (#1.7)" (1995)
Garner Ellerbee: [Garner's car has just broken down. A young woman pulls over and approaches him] Hey.
[laughing self-consciously]
Garner Ellerbee: Hi.
Summer: Hello. Car trouble?
Garner Ellerbee: [sighing] Yeah, one of those days.
Summer: Ahh, I've had those.
[looking at Garner's chicken costume]
Summer: Masquerade party.
Garner Ellerbee: Actually, I'm on my way home from work.
Summer: Really? Uhh, you're a professional chicken?
Garner Ellerbee: [laughing] No, I'm a private investigator. Uh, undercover job, a stakeout.
Summer: At the coop?
Garner Ellerbee: [laughing] Y'know, you're funny. I like that.
Summer: So are you. So do I.
Garner Ellerbee: Well, you know. Birds of a feather.
Summer: [offering her hand] I'm Summer.
Garner Ellerbee: [shaking her hand] I'm Garner.
Summer: I'm an attorney. Do you need one?
Garner Ellerbee: Uh, well no, but, um, I don't suppose you feel like picking up a little... chicken on the way home?
Summer: Well, hop in. I just love a man in a fowl mood.

"Baywatch Nights: Vengeance (#1.18)" (1996)
Garner Ellerbee: Say, Lea, um, why don't you let me see you home.
Detective Lea Broussard: I'm a cop, I can see myself home. I should be seeing you home.
Garner Ellerbee: You're allergic to my cat.
Detective Lea Broussard: You don't have a cat.
Garner Ellerbee: Don't argue.

"Baywatch Nights: Backup (#1.14)" (1996)
Ryan McBride: Uhh, I wonder, Paul, could you, kind of get to the point, I...
Paul Whitset: The point, yes. Uh, well, I have a mistress. I, I suppose that's what you would call her. But I say the word "mistress," it seems wrong, it sounds seedy and vile. Joy - that's her name, Joy - is none of that. She's really quite wonderful. I love her. More than I thought I could love anyone. In this turmoil, she's been my haven.
Garner Ellerbee: Well, I, I still don't understand. What's the problem?
Paul Whitset: I think she's gonna kill me.