Mitch Buchannon
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Quotes for
Mitch Buchannon (Character)
from "Baywatch" (1989)

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"Baywatch Nights: Silent Witness (#1.3)" (1995)
Mitch Buchannon: [voice-over] I believe destiny always leads to trouble. I don't mean destiny as in fate, or the future. I mean a slightly bubbleheaded person named Destiny Desimone. Garner and I got a panicky call from her as we finished an all night stakeout. This time, Destiny did have something to do with fate. As in fatal.

Destiny Desimone: It was my bad karma, not Mitch's.
Garner Ellerbee: Yeah, but why did your bad karma have to rip my new jacket?
Mitch Buchannon: You're talkin' about a ripped jacket? I'm bleedin' to death here.
Garner Ellerbee: Man, that's a flesh wound. It'll mend, this won't.

Mitch Buchannon: [voice-over] Twenty years as a lifeguard teaches you to recognize people in trouble. I knew the second I saw her she was drowning, even though she wasn't even in the water.

Lou Raymond: My man, what's happenin' with the threads? You're lookin' good!
Mitch Buchannon: [laughs] Man thinks he's Shaft.
Lou Raymond: You mean he's a bad mother
Mitch Buchannon: Shut your mouth, he's a complicated man.
Lou Raymond: [singing] And nobody understands him but his woman.
Mitch Buchannon: Nobody understands him, period.
Garner Ellerbee: Except you, Mitch, which is why we're partners.
Mitch Buchannon: I knew there had to be a reason, John Shaft.

Mitch Buchannon: Wow! Is this a great place to live or what? Look at that view. And look at that sad face. You're killin' me! What do you want?
Ryan McBride: Preferably something that doesn't roll off the cliff during an earthquake!
Mitch Buchannon: Come on, come on and look at this! This place is rock solid!
[He hits the trailer's door and watches the handle fall off]
Ryan McBride: [sighs] Then you live here.
Mitch Buchannon: Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea what a lot like this costs? A half a million, million bucks, maybe two!
Ryan McBride: It's a trailer park!
Mitch Buchannon: It's a trailer park in Malibu, kid.

"Baywatch Nights: The Eighth Seal (#2.19)" (1997)
Ryan McBride: And the parents don't care at all? They don't wanna even talk about it with you or her?
Mitch Buchannon: [thoughtfully] No.
Ryan McBride: Okay. Well, I'm runnin' a background check on 'em.
[typing a little]
Ryan McBride: Here it is. Okay, uh, you wanna talk about upward mobility? Two months ago the lived in a trailer park. Now they live in a mansion.
Mitch Buchannon: [reading over her shoulder] Well, no wonder. They won the lottery.
Ryan McBride: Three times in a row?

Ryan McBride: [entering Mitch's house with Diamont] Ugh. Smells like something died in here.
Mitch Buchannon: [possessed] Hi, guys! Come on in. Join me.
[turning to face them]
Mitch Buchannon: I insist.
Ryan McBride: Mitch. Are you alright?
Mitch Buchannon: Am I alright? What do you mean am I alright? Don't I look alright?
Ryan McBride: I, I just meant
[catching her breath]
Ryan McBride: how are you doing?
Mitch Buchannon: [in her face] How am I doing? How am I doing? How do you think I'm doing!
[turning to Diamont]
Mitch Buchannon: Well go ahead, Teague, tell her. Go ahead, tell her what you're thinking. Go ahead.
Diamont Teague: I'd like to see you show yourself for who you really are.

Stephanie Holden: Mitch, Mitch.
[whispering, holding out her hand]
Stephanie Holden: Mitch, Mitch. Mitch.
Mitch Buchannon: Stephanie?
Ryan McBride: [over Mitch's body] Ohmygod
Diamont Teague: [over Mitch's body] One, two, three, four, five, breathe!
Mitch Buchannon: Stephanie, is it you? It's not possible, I mean, how could you be here?
[they turn to watch Ryan and Diamont administer CPR]
Mitch Buchannon: But you died last year. How could I be here?
Stephanie Holden: I've missed you, Mitch.
Mitch Buchannon: I've missed you, too. What's it like?
Stephanie Holden: It's everything you ever dreamed. And more. There's nothin' but love.
Mitch Buchannon: So, we can be together. Forever?
Stephanie Holden: No. You're still needed, Mitch.

Mitch Buchannon: Hi. Um, first of all, I need you to sign this release from the hospital, please.
Alex Starger: Hm. Oh, right, of course. There you go. Ah, and here. This is for your trouble, and thank you very much for bringing her, hm?
[hands Mitch a bill and turns away]
Alex Starger: No, no, we gonna need a whole bunch more of those purple balloons, a whole bunch more!
Mitch Buchannon: Excuse me, sir, you don't understand. Do you know your daughter jumped off a bridge?
Alex Starger: Oh, yeah, I forgot. You pulled her out. Well, let's see here.
[gives Mitch another bill]
Alex Starger: We done now?
Mitch Buchannon: Well, no, we're not done. Your daughter tried to kill herself.
Alex Starger: [pauses] Oh, now, she didn't try to kill herself. Yes, she jumped off a bridge, but she did not try to kill herself. Now, I paid you for your troubles, so hike on, hm?
[turns away, to Jean]
Alex Starger: Darlin', we just gonna need to set these balloons up ourselves.

Mitch Buchannon: Hey, Jenny. How you feelin'?
Jenny Starger: Fine. Better.
Mitch Buchannon: I'm gonna drive you home.
Jenny Starger: Thanks. That's very nice of you.
Mitch Buchannon: Listen, before we go see your parents, you wanna tell me what's goin' on? I mean, why you jumped off the bridge?
Jenny Starger: [pause] No.
Mitch Buchannon: Well, sooner or later, you're gonna have to talk to someone about it.
Jenny Starger: Why?
Mitch Buchannon: Well, because it's not normal to try and kill yourself.
Jenny Starger: There's nothing you can do, Mister Buchannon. I'm going to die.

"Baywatch Nights: Blues Boy (#1.9)" (1995)
Mitch Buchannon: [voice-over] The difference between being a lifeguard and a private eye is that a lifeguard has to spot trouble and respond. Private eye gets hired by someone who's already in trouble. Either way, a stranger's life is suddenly in your hands. Unfortunately, private eyes can't always spot the victims as easily as lifeguards.

Garner Ellerbee: [Willie Logan has just exited the office after hiring the firm to find his "dad." He's lied about his mother] Huh. She's sick. In bed.
Ryan McBride: At Auntie Em's house.
Mitch Buchannon: This isn't Kansas, Toto.
Garner Ellerbee: Hurry on down to Merv's Car Town, one oh five...
Ryan McBride: South Firestone, yeah. What's the deal?
Garner Ellerbee: Bogus little booger.

Ryan McBride: [as they chase Willie] Don't let him get away!
Mitch Buchannon: I'm not letting him, he's doing it all by himself!

Ryan McBride: [She and Mitch pause before leaving the Child Protective Services office] You know, may I just...
Mitch Buchannon: Be my guest.
Ryan McBride: hank you.
[They turn back to Miss Belda, the CPS agent]
Ryan McBride: The child is not just a burdensome case file, nor is he troublesome. He's just a scared little boy that got lost in a bad shuffle. And he, along with everyone else on the planet, except for you, wants to be loved by everybody else. Am I done?
Mitch Buchannon: Doesn't feel like it.
Ryan McBride: Mm. You, Miss Belda, are a sourpussed, constipated, and I hope that is your only excuse for acting like this, butthead.
Mitch Buchannon: There. All done.

Mitch Buchannon: [searching a dark tunnel for Ryan and Willie] Flashlights always remind me of that movie, E.T. Remember? The guy with the keys in the woods?
Garner Ellerbee: Ugh, don't talk about movies.
Mitch Buchannon: Why not?
Garner Ellerbee: 'Cause I just saw Jurassic Park. Scared me to death.
Mitch Buchannon: Jurassic Park's not a scary movie. Invasion of the Body Snatchers, that's a scary movie.
Garner Ellerbee: Will you stop talking about scary movies?
Mitch Buchannon: What are you, scared?
Garner Ellerbee: I'm not scared. I'm trying to focus on a calm place, a babbling brook, a park or something.
Mitch Buchannon: Jurassic Park.

"Baywatch Nights: Bad Blades (#1.2)" (1995)
Garner Ellerbee: First the gym, then sailboarding, then a massage and manicure, and hanging with his buds at the yacht club. Tough day. Hm, boy I tell ya. Where's he goin' next, to get his Rolex polished?
Mitch Buchannon: Are we a little cranky today?
Garner Ellerbee: Boy, that kid doesn't have a silver spoon, he's got a silver shovel.

Mitch Buchannon: You know, everyone in that group looked like world class skaters to me.
Ryan McBride: Mm, the term is inline skaters.
Garner Ellerbee: They weren't in line.

Mitch Buchannon: [voice-over] In any business, who you know sometimes makes the difference between success and failure. It's pretty much the same in the PI business with one exception. The who of who you know tend to be, how should I put it, colorful.

Garner Ellerbee: I told you, the boy's a knucklehead. His mother's been buying him out of trouble all his life.
Mitch Buchannon: I think she's a good mom. She just started fifteen years too late.
Garner Ellerbee: [laughing] If brains were leather, that boy couldn't saddle a flea.

"Baywatch Nights: Balancing Act (#1.8)" (1995)
Mitch Buchannon: [voice-over] Years on the beach have taught me to recognize a potential victim before they go in the water. You wanna stop them before they get in too deep. It's called making a prevention. But the second I saw her, I knew she wasn't the type I could prevent from doing anything.

Mitch Buchannon: Can I do anything to help, Ryan?
Ryan McBride: [in front of her overheated car, its hood open] Yeah, you can hail me a cab.
Mitch Buchannon: [laughs] Hail you a cab? Uh, they don't cruise the waterfront for fares.
Ryan McBride: Oh, that's right, I forgot. This is LA. Mass transit is a three-man boogie board.

Mitch Buchannon: Right back where I started. You know I have been looking for you all night?
Ryan McBride: All night? Really? I'm touched. Look, Mitch. Go back to your sunscreen and cut-offs. We shared some beautiful gunfire together, but I don't need a guardian angel, and I can't stand a worrier.

Mitch Buchannon: [voice-over] There's not much difference between being a lifeguard and a private eye. Both have to deal with sharks. I drove Ryan to her motel, but the sharks had already ripped the place to shreds.

"Baywatch Nights: The Vortex (#2.21)" (1997)
Ryan McBride: Oh, Mitch! Ah, these are the best. Let's do this!
Mitch Buchannon: Fortunes? Ah, come on, you don't believe in that stuff, do ya?
Ryan McBride: I don't believe in it, but it's fun.
Mitch Buchannon: No, no, the whole thing's phony.
Ryan McBride: No, listen. It's your day off, you should have some fun.
Mitch Buchannon: No, no, I don't wanna know my fortune. I just wanna have my cappuccino.
Ryan McBride: Okay.
[Takes Mitch's cup and drops it in a trash can]
Mitch Buchannon: My cappuccino is in the trash can.

Blonde Actress Needing Reading: Is this where I come to get my fortune read?
Mitch Buchannon: Uh, no no no. You don't understand, we're not uh...
Ryan McBride: Mitch.
Blonde Actress Needing Reading: Please, you have to help me. It's important.
Ryan McBride: You're an actress.
Mitch Buchannon: Ryan!
Blonde Actress Needing Reading: No no, don't stop her, it's true. I am an actress. And I'm up for this really big part in Fish Monster 3.
Ryan McBride: Yeah, and you recently lost a part that was equally important to you.
Blonde Actress Needing Reading: Yes. I lost it to Bitsy May.
Ryan McBride: Who was sleeping with the producer.
Blonde Actress Needing Reading: Yes. How can you be so accurate?
[Ryan looks up at Mitch, dumbfounded]
Blonde Actress Needing Reading: Do you think I'll get the part?
Blonde Actress Needing Reading: Do you see Fish Monster in my future?
Ryan McBride: [considering] Yeah.
Blonde Actress Needing Reading: Thank you.
[hands Ryan a twenty]
Blonde Actress Needing Reading: Thank you so much.
[to Mitch]
Blonde Actress Needing Reading: Thank you.

Indian Guide Wahote: You will see your own future through there. Through the Vortex. If you have the courage. The courage is not easily found except within the heart.
[holds open a curtain]
Ryan McBride: We, we have courage.
Mitch Buchannon: No, we don't have the courage.
Ryan McBride: Yes we do have courage.
Mitch Buchannon: No, we don't have the courage.
Ryan McBride: We have courage.
Mitch Buchannon: We don't.

Ryan McBride: Okay. Go with me on this. Say I wanna grow something in an area that won't cultivate because of the soil. What do I do?
Mitch Buchannon: You, um, change the soil.
Ryan McBride: Right. Well say in changing the soil, I don't check out everything that lives in the soil, before I irradiate it.
Mitch Buchannon: Then, you could mutate something you didn't count on. What are you saying here, we're fighting some sort of insect? Something that mutated from radiation?
Ryan McBride: That's exactly what I'm sayin'. That thing looked like a giant slug! And, and slugs feed on anything within their domain.
Mitch Buchannon: Well, that would explain the missing crew member.

"Baywatch Nights: The Rig (#2.3)" (1996)
Mitch Buchannon: So you think something live came bubbling up.
Ryan McBride: We're fools to think that we've identified every life form.
Mitch Buchannon: Alright, what do you think it is?
Ryan McBride: Well, I dunno. Start with your basic life form. The single cell.
Mitch Buchannon: Amoebas. Protozoa.
Ryan McBride: Yeah, exactly, um, there's no structure, no bones, no vertebrae. It's just this ever-growing, ever-moving life form.
Mitch Buchannon: Killer.

Mitch Buchannon: Now listen to me. Obviously, something happened to this girl that's got her totally freaked out. Let's just give her the benefit of the doubt, alright?
Ryan McBride: I say we give her a muzzle.
Mitch Buchannon: She is this close to losing it.
Ryan McBride: [whispering] Well that makes two of us.

Mitch Buchannon: Can this thing survive out of the water?
Ryan McBride: Theoretically, the environment doesn't matter.
Mitch Buchannon: How can it be so big!
Ryan McBride: There are no limits. This thing can get as big as its food supply will support. Once it's big enough, then it divides.
Claire: Divides!

Ryan McBride: Hey, uh, not that it matters, but I just figured out why the radios wouldn't work and the engines wouldn't start. Um, EMP, it's uh, electromagnetic pulse, you see, sometimes when they set off bombs in the oceans, certain life forms take on this aura of a magnetic field, and they can disrupt any kind of electrical machinery anywhere near it.
Mitch Buchannon: [whispering] You're right. It doesn't matter.

"Baywatch Nights: Pursuit (#1.1)" (1995)
Mitch Buchannon: You know, some people think the beach closes after the sun goes down. Uh-uh. That's when it really starts to heat up.

Mitch Buchannon: Hey, kid. How's the tarot card reading business?
Destiny Desimone: Bummer. I'm totally thinking about quitting.
Mitch Buchannon: Aww, no future in reading futures?
Destiny Desimone: How would I know?

Mitch Buchannon: [voice-over] Ryan McBride grew up in Texas and got her PI license in New York. Y'know, women can really complicate your life, especially if you're partners with one. It's an explosive combination. Trust me.

Ryan McBride: You're right in the middle of a major girl thing. Let's trade. You go outside, and do your guy thing.
Mitch Buchannon: Oh, come on, they're professionals. They don't care.
Ryan McBride: I do.

"Baywatch Nights: Deadly Vision (#1.4)" (1995)
Ryan McBride: [pointing a paintbrush at the office wall] Ecru!
Garner Ellerbee: Beg your pardon?
Mitch Buchannon: Ecru! It's a vegetable.
Garner Ellerbee: That's okra.

Mitch Buchannon: [voice-over] Destiny says she saw the lady from Scotland strangled. She wasn't physically there. She was psychically there. Okay. It's weird. But who knows? I mean, there are some things we just can't explain. Hobie got an A in algebra. Nobody can explain that.

Destiny Desimone: Empathics.
Mitch Buchannon: Right, empathics. You can do that, can't you?
[Destiny nods]
Mitch Buchannon: Destiny, that's a gift.
Destiny Desimone: More like a curse. It's just so confusing, you know? I just, I've decided to keep my brain empty of all thoughts.
Mitch Buchannon: Well, if anyone can do that, you can.
Destiny Desimone: Thanks, Mitch.

Mitch Buchannon: She's so scared, she won't read tarot cards anymore.
Ryan McBride: Well then, she can read the bumps on people's heads.
Mitch Buchannon: You know, I got an idea.
Ryan McBride: I don't think I wanna hear it.
Mitch Buchannon: I think we should hire Destiny.
Ryan McBride: I knew I didn't wanna hear it.
Mitch Buchannon: No, I'm not kidding here. Now, she figured out the files, she exorcised the phone system. She can cook.
Ryan McBride: Mitch. Tofu isn't a food. It's a fungus. I mean, come on, I like the girl, but work with her? Over my dead body.

"Baywatch Nights: The Cabin (#2.6)" (1996)
Diamont Teague: What happened?
Ryan McBride: He bumped his head.
Mitch Buchannon: Terrific. Another headache. What are you doing here?
Diamont Teague: Actually, I wanted to talk to you about things that go bump in the night. Do you believe in ghosts?
Mitch Buchannon: No, no, but they scare me.

Mitch Buchannon: Haunted. When I think of haunted, I think of Aunt Tilly kicking off and hanging around long enough to make sure that Uncle John doesn't hook up with some floozie.
Ryan McBride: That's one definition.

Ryan McBride: Alright, well, I am participating in this weekend because I'm a scientist, and unlike you, I believe in the paranormal. But I do not believe in standing out here like a little puppy because Teague's a control freak. But if you wanna stay out here because you're afraid, wait for Teague, I understand.
Mitch Buchannon: Oh what, is this some kind challenge, right.
Ryan McBride: No, I mean, why would I challenge you?
Mitch Buchannon: Because competition is your middle name, and subconsciously you're attracted to me, and it's a way of getting my attention.

Ryan McBride: Tell me what you see.
Mitch Buchannon: Umm, there's a bed with a noose hanging over a wooden beam.
Ryan McBride: It's not real.
Mitch Buchannon: [feeling the noose] How do you know?
Ryan McBride: None of it's real. It's just a bunch of ghosts and illusions. It's maybe something with the light, maybe some molecular imaging, but trust me Mitch, it is not real, okay?

"Baywatch Nights: Just a Gigolo (#1.5)" (1995)
Mitch Buchannon: [voice-over] To catch a gigolo, I decided to become a gigolo. So I worked out a little harder that week, borrowed some serious threads, copped an attitude, and voila. Now Ryan, she was gonna be my sexy, but oh so innocent target.

Garner Ellerbee: [over the phone] Listen, Mitch. I need some help tracking down Bobby Bahama. Is Ryan busy?
Mitch Buchannon: [over the phone] Yeah, yeah, she's tied up on the gigolo case.
Garner Ellerbee: Come on, can't she break loose for a couple of hours?
Mitch Buchannon: Uh, sorry partner. No can do. Um, how about Destiny?
Garner Ellerbee: Aw give me a break. Look she's a sweet kid, but her elevator does not go all the way to the top.

Mitch Buchannon: So, uh, what are you gonna let this guy do, huh? Hit a couple doubles, maybe blast a grand slam or what?
Ryan McBride: Well, he is pretty hot. He's got such a cute little...
Mitch Buchannon: Like I said, how far are you gonna go with this game, kid?
Ryan McBride: Well, I don't know, Mitch. I mean, as far as I have to. This is a job. I'm a professional. Do we have some sort of problem here?
Mitch Buchannon: No. No. No problem at all.

Ryan McBride: What are you doing?
Mitch Buchannon: What do you mean, what am I doing? What was that all about?
Ryan McBride: Was what?
Mitch Buchannon: The kiss.
Ryan McBride: What, what about it?
Mitch Buchannon: What do you mean what about it? It's a little over the top, don't you think? He was slobbering all over you.
Ryan McBride: I'm a professional. I can handle a little slobber.
Mitch Buchannon: That was a lot of slobber.
Ryan McBride: Can we talk about something else, please?

"Baywatch Nights: Hot Winds (#2.20)" (1997)
Ryan McBride: I'm not kidding. There are crazy people out there.
Diamont Teague: You think more than usual.
Mitch Buchannon: [huffs] Guys, it's Los Angeles. People are crazy everywhere. It's in the culture. People expect it.
Diamont Teague: People can expect a certain amount. It's a given in any society. But what happens when another variable comes into the equation?
Mitch Buchannon: Then those people should move to Wichita.
Ryan McBride: What are you gettin' at?
Diamont Teague: You read the papers. Watch the news. There's been an escalation of so-called incidents over the last few days. And there'll be a lot more to come.
Ryan McBride: Incidents?
Diamont Teague: Unexplained confrontations. Violent behavior for no reason. Rioting, looting, erratic behavior.
Mitch Buchannon: It's the Santa Ana winds. People always go nuts when the winds kick in
Ryan McBride: Yeah, and you can throw the full moon in there as well.

Mitch Buchannon: Few minutes later and that guy woulda been well done.
Diamont Teague: Maybe that was the intention. Ryan. This man that you saw, this stick that he was waving. Was it long and narrow with a separate piece twirling above it?
Ryan McBride: Yeah!
Mitch Buchannon: Oh, don't tell me, you know what it was.
Diamont Teague: The land that we're heading to. Before the Conquistadors it belonged to the Yuki Indians.
Mitch Buchannon: Yuki who? No footprints, remember.
Diamont Teague: Maybe it was a spirit.
Ryan McBride: Oh great, guys, that's, that's comforting.

Ryan McBride: Mitch, do you think Teague's alright?
Mitch Buchannon: Oh, God, you amaze me. I'm descending into Hell, and you're worried about Teague.

"Baywatch Nights: The Mobius (#2.15)" (1997)
Ryan McBride: John, this is fascinating. How did you get the conal refraction?
John: Uh, uh, unintentional genius.
Diamont Teague: What is this, some sort of phase disturbance?
Ashley: That's what we were trying to determine, when it happened.
Mitch Buchannon: What happened? What's the big deal?
John: The, uh, time anomaly.
Mitch Buchannon: What's that in English?

Ryan McBride: It's a baby's teething ring.
[Ryan hands Mitch a rubber duck]
Ryan McBride: Humans were here. You know what, I think we're in a parallel universe.
[Mitch rolls his eyes]
Ryan McBride: No, it's a world like ours, running right next to us, in another dimension.
Mitch Buchannon: [skeptical] Okay.
Ryan McBride: Whether you believe it or not, this is what we're dealing with here. We came through a portal. Jonathan called it a time anomaly. It's another place, but the same time.
Mitch Buchannon: [picking up an old newspaper] I think we're in the future.
Ryan McBride: Oh yeah, Mitch, the future's really gonna look like this.
Mitch Buchannon: You know what else I think? All this was caused due to a sudden breakdown in the ozone layer.
Ryan McBride: Nice theory. Doesn't help.
Mitch Buchannon: And that the entire west coast, from San Diego up to Seattle, burned up.
Ryan McBride: Mitch, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of.

Ryan McBride: Mitch, um.
Ryan McBride: I love you.
Mitch Buchannon: I know you do.
Ryan McBride: Oh no, don't start getting cocky on me now.

"Baywatch Nights: Kind of a Drag (#1.10)" (1995)
Mitch Buchannon: [voice-over] There are many differences between being a lifeguard and being a PI. Lifeguards run on sand. PIs run on everything. I realized that as I chased after a boardwalk con man we've been staking out all day. You know, John Lennon once said, and it's a wise proverb too, that life is what happens when you're busy making plans. I didn't plan on meeting a beautiful woman during a fistfight.

Mitch Buchannon: Meritorious Moose? Bogart is hired to find the Maltese Falcon and we're hired to find a Meritorious Moose?
Garner Ellerbee: Partner, a gig's a gig. Now what's this all about with you and Cindy?
Mitch Buchannon: Well, she said I wasn't in touch with my feminine side.
Garner Ellerbee: Your what?
Mitch Buchannon: My feminine side!
Garner Ellerbee: Well she's right. Most men aren't.
Mitch Buchannon: Yeah, how do you know that?
Garner Ellerbee: Sally Jessy Raphael!

Garner Ellerbee: You think Duncan did this?
Mitch Buchannon: I don't know, but there's one way to find out.
Ryan McBride: We could just set a trap and have one of the impersonators do Dahlia.
Mitch Buchannon: Got it.
Garner Ellerbee: Yeah, but which one? They're all scared to death.
Mitch Buchannon: Yeah.
[Ryan smiles wide at Mitch]
Mitch Buchannon: What?
Ryan McBride: He's a little tall.
[Garner nods]
Ryan McBride: Nice legs, decent voice. Not great, but not bad.
Mitch Buchannon: What?
Garner Ellerbee: Hm. Might even help him get in touch with his feminine side.

"Baywatch Nights: Curse of the Mirrored Box (#2.7)" (1996)
Mitch Buchannon: Just what I wanted to be doing on a Saturday afternoon.
Ryan McBride: We could pretend it's a date.
Mitch Buchannon: Which one?
Ryan McBride: Like it matters.
Mitch Buchannon: Sure it does. I mean, there's certain things you don't do on the first date that you do on, uh, maybe the fifth.
Ryan McBride: Well then let's pretend it's our first.

Papa Doc: Really. You come into my church, my space. You interrupt my ceremony. What do you do that makes you so brave?
Mitch Buchannon: I'm a lifeguard.
Papa Doc: Lifeguard. And you?
[he points his staff at Ryan]
Ryan McBride: Hm, me? Uh, I'm just with him.
Papa Doc: You have a wonderful light.
Ryan McBride: Okay, uh, can we get outta here please before this gets outta hand?

Ryan McBride: You know, I don't think a couple aspirin are gonna help you out. There's a lot more going on here than we want to admit.
Mitch Buchannon: You don't think Voodoo Man had something to do with it, do you?
Ryan McBride: C'mon, Mitch. We interrupt a Voodoo ceremony last night, you come to work hallucinating, there's chicken bones and blood at the base of your tower. Yeah. I think we need to go talk to Teague.

"Baywatch Nights: Space Spores (#2.10)" (1997)
Ryan McBride: Dust?
Diamont Teague: Just a label.
Mitch Buchannon: And the dust landed on this farm.
Diamont Teague: Possibly.
Ryan McBride: Well you know, our biggest fear the first time we sent man up into space was what we might bring back.
Diamont Teague: The Andromeda Strain. An alien virus that wipes out the world, and we can't contain it.

Mitch Buchannon: You know, isn't it amazing with all the scientific brains you seem to have, and all the resources you seem to have, the only help you can muster up is us?
Diamont Teague: Will you help me?
Ryan McBride: I'll take the barn.
Mitch Buchannon: I'll take the house.

Ryan McBride: Okay. Russell says this organism infects the animal, bonds with the DNA and reconfigures it, and then for some reason, it blows up. Now, it operates like a plant. It explodes in order to spread its spores and that's how it moves from one host to the next. But it's moving up the food chain. From the roach, to the rat, to the cat. It's following the logical progression.
Mitch Buchannon: Where's the dog?

"Baywatch Nights: Terror of the Deep (#2.1)" (1996)
Mitch Buchannon: Donna thinks you're fascinating.
Diamont Teague: Let's talk about the woman you rescued. The word she kept repeating. "Ajogun." Do you know what that is?
Mitch Buchannon: Enlighten me.
Diamont Teague: Every culture has one. A legendary creature which is the embodiment of all that is evil. The Ajogun is from New Guinea. The fiercest creature from the fiercest culture on the planet. Legend has it that the Ajogun inhabits the jungle along the Purari River. When a boat strays too close to shore, the Ajogun leaps from the trees, savagely killing everything on board. Boats would be found adrift near the mouth of the river. No crew.
Mitch Buchannon: Where are you going with this?

Ryan McBride: Okay, Mitch, how do you read me?
Mitch Buchannon: I thought I told you never to call me here.
Ryan McBride: Griff. Griff, can you hear me?
Griff Walker: Uhh, sorry, I am busy with a beautiful woman on a balmy beach, you know, drinking rum chi chis with little umbrellas in them, two straws, beautiful sunset.
Ryan McBride: Okay, so, how do you make a chi chi?
Griff Walker: With a smile.
Ryan McBride: Ugh.

Ryan McBride: Alright, Griff, run an O2 check, see if you've got any oxygen in there at all.
Mitch Buchannon: Okay, good idea. Gonna want to check out this way.
Griff Walker: [waving around a gadget] Alright, I got fifty parts per mil nitrogen. There's a whole bunch of carbon dioxide from everything rotting. Looks like the oxygen's from all the kelp growing.
Mitch Buchannon: I don't wanna study it. Just breathe it.
Griff Walker: Okay. Be my guest.

"Baywatch Nights: Nights to Dragon One (#2.13)" (1997)
Mitch Buchannon: You know how to play this game?
Ryan McBride: Well, no, not this game specifically. It's not D&D or Myst but they're all kinda similar.
Mitch Buchannon: And, uh, people always disappear in these games.
Ryan McBride: No. Now, that's new.

Ryan McBride: Alright, uh, there's only one arrow left. And we're gonna need it. With the stakes of the game getting higher, the adversaries are going to be more and more formidable.
Mitch Buchannon: Like what?
Ryan McBride: Well, like, if we defeat a wild dog, then comes a bear. And if we defeat the bear, then comes a lion. And if we defeat the lion, then there's no tellin', there's probably a dinosaur walkin' around in here.

Ryan McBride: Um, I, I don't like these games anymore.
Mitch Buchannon: Yeah, but you're the game freak, okay. Which way do we go and what do we do? Come on, tell me.
Ryan McBride: I, I don't know, I, I don't see anything anymore.
Mitch Buchannon: Well, see a little harder, will ya?
Ryan McBride: You don't have to yell at me.
Mitch Buchannon: I'm not yelling.
Ryan McBride: You are yelling.
Mitch Buchannon: I'm not yelling!
Ryan McBride: You are now.

"Baywatch Nights: Circle of Fear (#2.5)" (1996)
Mitch Buchannon: [to Diamont, who is wearing a tailored suit] I don't think you're dressed for the beach.
Diamont Teague: What do you know about witchcraft? Incantations. Things that go bump in the night.
Mitch Buchannon: I met Linda Blair once.

Jed: So. What's it gonna be?
[Mitch opens his mouth to answer]
Jed: Besides me, that is. A long weekend, tiptoeing through the tulips, smelling the rosebuds? I love rosebuds.
Ryan McBride: Jed. Get fried, Jed.
Jed: Missing the best weekend of your life.
Ryan McBride: [to Mitch] You know, in the past four months since I've been here, he hits on me every single time I come in.
Mitch Buchannon: [Jed stumbles into the fryer, plunging his hands into the oil. Mitch leaps over the counter to help him] Easy, easy, c'mere.
[to Ryan]
Mitch Buchannon: Call 911, huh?

Ryan McBride: [reads from the Grimoire] Hear me, oh mighty ones! Hear my words and heed their meaning! Return to the abyss from which you rose! We who summoned you recant our calling! Depart to your realm and remain there forever!
Mitch Buchannon: [waits for the chaos to die down, then gently takes the Grimoire from Ryan] You, uh, you want to get a cup of coffee?
Ryan McBride: [meekly] Okay, yeah.

"Baywatch Nights: Night Whispers (#2.9)" (1996)
Ryan McBride: This woman that they took in for questioning. I - ugh, I can't say this. It's so nuts.
Mitch Buchannon: Well, you got my attention. What are you talking about?
Ryan McBride: Um, okay. She was wearing gloves.
Ryan McBride: No, that's not it. Um, I'm sorry. Uh, there was blood on her nightgown. No, that's not it either. No.
Mitch Buchannon: Ryan.
Ryan McBride: I, okay, um, okay. The jogger. The jogger died because someone cut into his pulmonary vein. That vein carries the richest, most oxygenated blood throughout the entire body.
Mitch Buchannon: So?
Ryan McBride: So. Right. So what? So. When the woman was leaving with Detective Korris, there was a reflection of him in the mirror, nothing of her. Mitch, she wears gloves. In California. In August.
Mitch Buchannon: What! What! What are you saying?
Ryan McBride: I'm saying that I think she's a vampire.

Mitch Buchannon: Back off, bat woman!

"Baywatch Nights: Frozen Out of Time (#2.12)" (1997)
Mitch Buchannon: So people go into this thing, what you call it?
Ryan McBride: It's called a vortex.
Mitch Buchannon: Vortex. And it's in Sedona.
Ryan McBride: Yeah, and it's up this great mountain trail.
Mitch Buchannon: People go into this thing and they, uh, never come back, right?
Ryan McBride: Well, not everyone who goes in.
Mitch Buchannon: But, but some.
Ryan McBride: Five.
Mitch Buchannon: Five. Five people have gone into this vortex and have not come out and this is where you want me to take my vacation.

Mitch Buchannon: I do like the desert.
Ryan McBride: Oh great! So you'll go! When?
Mitch Buchannon: Well, I've got time off in a couple weeks.
Ryan McBride: Oh, Mitch, you're gonna love this place. It's in the mountains, and it's near this Indian burial ground, and you go into these caves, they have all these paintings on the walls that date back thousands of years, and there're all these legends about spirits...
Mitch Buchannon: [interrupting] You know how I feel about boogety boogety.
Ryan McBride: Yeah, but, you'll change your mind. I guarantee it.

"Baywatch Nights: The Creature (#2.2)" (1996)
Mitch Buchannon: What'd you find?
Ryan McBride: Mucoid exodermal slough. Is it possible that Dr. Lloyd was working on some kind of DNA manipulation?
Diamont Teague: Possibly.
Mitch Buchannon: Resulting in what?
Ryan McBride: Well, you'd have to know Dr. Lloyd's parameters. Was the subject animal, human, what?
Diamont Teague: He was a very secretive man. He was given a lot of latitude. What is it?
Ryan McBride: Well, it's going to take me some time to identify the phylum. But I'll tell ya. Whatever did this is becoming more dangerous.
Mitch Buchannon: What's that mean?
Ryan McBride: Dr. Lloyd's little baby is mutating.

Mitch Buchannon: [over the phone] Yeah, Ryan, what you got?
Ryan McBride: Well, we've been running all the DNA chains looking for parallel links. I started with gender. This thing that you're looking for, there are no guarantees but from the information that I've gathered, I'm almost positive it's female.
Mitch Buchannon: A woman? Ryan, no woman has the strength to do what's been done.
Ryan McBride: I didn't say it was a woman. I said it was female. There's a difference.

"Baywatch Nights: Takeover (#1.11)" (1996)
Mitch Buchannon: [meeting Donna for the first time and shaking her hand] Hi. I'm, uh, Mitch Buchannon and, uh, well, if you're going to be one of the new waitresses here, let me assure you that you'll be getting all of my business.
Donna Marco: [grinning] Well thank you, sugar! I'm the owner.
Mitch Buchannon: Oh.
Donna Marco: But I will appreciate your business.

Mitch Buchannon: Hey Donna! I need a favor. There's a guy I want you to meet.
Donna Marco: Guy you want me to meet?
Mitch Buchannon: Uh, actually, I said that wrong. He wants to meet you.
Donna Marco: It amounts to the same thing.
Mitch Buchannon: It's just an introduction.
Donna Marco: Introduction leads to a conversation. To invitation. Then it's dinner. He's charming. We dance. He's cute. He says this, I say that, we leave, he wants to go to my place...

"Baywatch Nights: Zargtha (#2.16)" (1997)
Ryan McBride: Mitch, the beach is deserted.
Mitch Buchannon: It's that time of year.
Ryan McBride: So, what are you gonna do all day?
Mitch Buchannon: Like I always do. Sit, and watch.
Ryan McBride: Watch what? There's nothing here. It's empty.
Mitch Buchannon: Look again, grasshopper. We got the clouds, we got the waves, we got the surf, we got the sand.
Ryan McBride: Oh yeah. Wouldn't wanna forget about the sand.

Diamont Teague: About two weeks ago, something very dangerous arrived in Los Angeles. A killer. Of children. But not just any child. Street kids. Or runaways. The vulnerable.
Mitch Buchannon: Ryan thinks it might be some kind of a wolf.
Diamont Teague: It is.
Mitch Buchannon: It is?
Diamont Teague: Partly. We believe the killer to be a zargtha.
Mitch Buchannon: A what?
Diamont Teague: A canine creature, believed to inhabit the remote southwestern mountains of Yugoslavia. Considered mythic for centuries. The subject of scary stories that parents use to keep their children in line. Don't go out at night, or the zargtha will get you.
Mitch Buchannon: And this, uh, zargtha, just goes after kids, huh?
Diamont Teague: Yes.
Mitch Buchannon: And he came in from the remote mountains of Yugoslavia all the way to downtown Santa Monica.

"Baywatch Nights: 976 Ways to Say I Love You (#1.6)" (1995)
Mitch Buchannon: [voice-over] Having two partners isn't always easy. Especially when one of them is an independent woman with her own methods of solving things.

Ryan McBride: [after Mitch catches her rehearsing for going undercover] Okay, so, now we both know I can't cut it as one of these phone sex bimbos. I sound like Mister Ed with asthma.
Mitch Buchannon: [laughs] Actually, I thought you sounded kinda sexy.
Ryan McBride: [cynical] Oh, yeah, go on.
[perking up a little]
Ryan McBride: Really?
Mitch Buchannon: Really.

"Baywatch Nights: Pressure Cooker (#1.7)" (1995)
Mitch Buchannon: [voice-over] Have you ever stopped to think about some of the things we do to survive? Survival is primal, and we do what we have to. But sometimes, we cross over the line. Which is exactly what happened to me and Garner when we took an undercover case at a fast food restaurant that had been robbed five times.

Ryan McBride: They're never gonna release his brother from prison.
Lou Raymond: Or give this fool a million dollars.
Mitch Buchannon: Either way, they're gonna kill us.
Ryan McBride: Oh that's very comforting, Mitch, thanks.

"Baywatch Nights: Vengeance (#1.18)" (1996)
Ryan McBride: Alright, so listen, so back to the point. So, you met this woman where?
Mitch Buchannon: I told ya, between the snow tires and the all-weather radials. She's in town for the convention. Bunny is the manufacturer's spokesperson.
Ryan McBride: Bunny? Her name is Bunny.
Mitch Buchannon: Yeah.
Ryan McBride: What's she do, stand around in a bikini sellin' retreads?

Mitch Buchannon: Well, easy come, easy go. You know? Davis wasn't your type, anyway.
Ryan McBride: Yeah, well, Bunny wasn't your type, either.
Mitch Buchannon: Really?
Ryan McBride: Yes.
Mitch Buchannon: How do you know?
Ryan McBride: I can tell. I think. What is your type?
Mitch Buchannon: I don't know that I have one. 'Less you mean someone who's easy to be with, doesn't constantly fill the air with words, who's smart, who's got a great sense of humor, and who cares much more about others than she does about herself. I don't know. Is that a type?
Ryan McBride: Nobody I know.

"Baywatch Nights: Last Breath (#2.8)" (1996)
Mitch Buchannon: Two lifeguards, same week? Uh-uh. That's no accident. Somebody's after lifeguards. See you at the office.

Ryan McBride: What are you looking at?
Mitch Buchannon: You.
Ryan McBride: Why?
Mitch Buchannon: Well, I'm, um, I'm kinda proud of you. I mean, you're all wet. I thought you hated the ocean.
Ryan McBride: I do. It's not safe out there.
Mitch Buchannon: No, not completely. That's why they call it the ocean. Hell, if it were safe, I'd be out of a job.

"Baywatch Nights: Possessed (#2.11)" (1997)
Ryan McBride: Look, I don't understand how you can be so calm about this. We've lost a fish here.
Mitch Buchannon: The fish was dead before we lost him.
Ryan McBride: Which brings me to another subject. Why did he die?
Mitch Buchannon: Probably loneliness. Which is why, in case you haven't noticed, there are no other fish in the tank. Whenever any fish, anywhere in the world, wants to die, he comes here for his last swim.

Donna Marco: [on speaker phone with Mitch] Oh. Oh, it's so pretty up here. It's so pretty. Mitch! Mitch, are you there?
Mitch Buchannon: Yeah, Donna, hey, uh, how are ya? How are you feeling?
Donna Marco: Mitch, I have somebody with me. I think I'm gonna kill him!

"Baywatch Nights: The Curator (#1.16)" (1996)
Mitch Buchannon: You, uh, wearing protection?
Ryan McBride: [waving a bottle of tanning oil] Yeah, don't worry, I'm uh, practicing safe sun.
Mitch Buchannon: Okay, uh, you know, beginners can really cook out here.
Ryan McBride: Well I'm no beginner.
Mitch Buchannon: No, you're not.

"Baywatch Nights: A Thousand Words (#2.22)" (1997)
Sarah: There have been numerous parapsychological events in this location. Strange unexplainable lights that suddenly came on in the middle of the night. Water leaks where there are no pipes. Cold spots so intense that frost forms on the walls.
Mitch Buchannon: Bet the owners loved that, huh?
Diamont Teague: [lighting a candle] They left. The building, with the restaurant downstairs and the living quarters upstairs, was sold.
Ryan McBride: [taking a candle] Well how quaint, Teague. Think you might want to pay the power bill before we get in here?
Diamont Teague: The electricity hasn't worked since the owners
Diamont Teague: left.
Sarah: Yet, experts say the everything is in perfect working order. Simply won't function.

"Baywatch Nights: Symbol of Death (#2.18)" (1997)
Mitch Buchannon: [as George grabs his hand] Wait wait wait wait what what are you what are you doing man?
Ryan McBride: He's making sure you're not an alien. I'm clean.
George Wilson: You could still be part of the conspiracy.
Ryan McBride: Right.

"Baywatch Nights: Thief in the Night (#1.15)" (1996)
Donna Marco: [on the phone] Hello? Oh, no no no, baby, I love the club! And I'm gonna turn it into a real moneymaker. Yeah. Me too. Mm-hmm. Well, I'm just gonna do a run-swim-run. Okay. Bye bye.
Mitch Buchannon: Run-swim-run, huh? In training for something special?
Donna Marco: [laughs] Yep, I'm gonna be a lifeguard. Just like you.
[leaving her belongings on the beach]
Donna Marco: Don't let these walk away.

"Baywatch Nights: The Servant (#2.17)" (1997)
Ryan McBride: Teague. The carbon dating tests say that this tomb dust is over three thousand years old. That puts it at eighteenth dynasty in Egypt? That's when Thutmose and Queen Hatshepsut ruled.
Diamont Teague: [holding up a photograph] This is the French expedition which actually made the discovery, and entered the tomb. They found a message in hieroglyphics. It was a curse. It promised that all those who entered her tomb and disturbed the Queen's sleep would meet a violent death.
Mitch Buchannon: Oh, please. The last thing I need is for the two of you to buy into some cockamamie story about King Tut, and his mummy.
Diamont Teague: A sage once said, in absence of proof, the wise withhold both belief and disbelief.
Mitch Buchannon: Hey, these fish are doing really good!

"Baywatch: Sky Rider (#4.5)" (1993)
[Garner arrives at Mitch's lifeguard tower riding a horse]
Garner Ellerbee: What's the problem?
Lt. Mitch Buchannon: Uh... we just had a serious ordinance violation committed.
Garner Ellerbee: Wait, you called me here on an ordinance violation?
Lt. Mitch Buchannon: No, I called you here because these ladies' purses were stolen. You commited the ordinance violation.
Garner Ellerbee: Why?
Lt. Mitch Buchannon: What the hell is this thing doing on the beach anyway? People could be trampled out there.
Garner Ellerbee: Oh, never. Mitch, my dad owned a horse ranch in Georgia. I learned to ride horses before I learned to walk. You and your lifeguard trucks are far more dangerous than me and Kojak here. Now, you ladies can tell me what happened.
[there are plopping sounds as the horse is relieving himself]
Lt. Mitch Buchannon: Ugh! Uh, your horse dropped something. Kojak, huh? Telly Savalas never did that.

"Baywatch Nights: The Strike (#2.4)" (1996)
Mitch Buchannon: One more win, and the Dodgers woulda won the pennant.
Mitch Buchannon: Why would I say that? Could care less about the Dodgers.

"Baywatch: Forbidden Paradise: Part 1 (#6.19)" (1996)
Lt. Mitch Buchannon: We're going to Hawaii.

"Baywatch: Vacation: Part 1 (#3.15)" (1993)
Lt. Mitch Buchannon: [to Stephanie about his ex wife] Gail and I spent our honey moon in Hawaii. Every time I see a volcano erupt, I think of her.

"Baywatch: Wet 'n' Wild (#5.22)" (1995)
Mitch Buchannon: [comparing best car, best guitarist etc] Best lead singer?
Matt Brody: Are you kidding? David Hasselhoff!
Mitch Buchannon: Well, he's big in... big in Europe.

"Baywatch Nights: Code of Silence (#1.17)" (1996)
Mitch Buchannon: Little girl was scared to death. Breaks your heart.
Ryan McBride: Yeah, I know.
Mitch Buchannon: Alright, what can we do?
Ryan McBride: Well, we can see if we can help locate the mother. I mean, we do have the only witness. And besides, finding missing people is one of the things we do.
Mitch Buchannon: You know why I like you?
Ryan McBride: [smiles] Absolutely.

"Baywatch Nights: Payback (#1.13)" (1996)
Ryan McBride: [drunk on champagne and Dramamine] Mitch. Can I ask you a question?
Mitch Buchannon: [sober and making coffee] Anything.
Ryan McBride: How long have we been working together?
Mitch Buchannon: A while.
Ryan McBride: Can I ask you another question?
Mitch Buchannon: Sure.
Ryan McBride: How come you never ripped my clothes off?
Mitch Buchannon: Uhm, heh heh, uh Ryan, you know, it's the nineties. Men just don't go around ripping women's clothing off without permission. You want me to rip your clothes off, you have to ask.

"Baywatch Nights: Thin Blood (#1.12)" (1996)
Mitch Buchannon: [setting a drink in front of her] Hello, Miss Texas. Buy ya a drink there, little lady? These are on your sister. She is full of information.
Ryan McBride: Charlie's got a big mouth.

"Baywatch Nights: Backup (#1.14)" (1996)
Mitch Buchannon: You know, Lou, Eddie is a damn good lifeguard. There's no way he'd miss a rescue. I'm just trying to make some sense of what happened on the boat.
Lou Raymond: Hey, Mitch, check it out. At the time of the murder, the killer is completely whacked out. Nothing he does makes sense or is rational. And then you come along a couple a days later, you tryin' to make sense out of somebody else's craziness. See what I'm talkin' about?

"Baywatch Nights: Ascension (#2.14)" (1997)
Mitch Buchannon: Oh, God, I know the world's round! Cats always land on their feet! Clinton doesn't inhale, what else!

"Baywatch: The Tower (#3.17)" (1993)
Lt. Mitch Buchannon: How dangerous is this person?
Detective Sloan: Jacob Kilmer makes Hannibal Lector seem like Little Bo Peep.