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: [through speakeasy's door
] Who are you? Professor Wagstaff
: I'm fine, thanks, who are you? Baravelli
: I'm fine too, but you can't come in unless you give the password. Professor Wagstaff
: Well, what is the password? Baravelli
: Aw, no. You gotta tell me. Hey, I tell what I do. I give you three guesses. It's the name of a fish. Professor Wagstaff
: Is it Mary? Baravelli
: Ha-ha. That's-a no fish. Professor Wagstaff
: She isn't? Well, she drinks like one. Let me see: Is it sturgeon? Baravelli
: Hey, you crazy. Sturgeon, he's a doctor cuts you open when-a you sick. Now I give you one more chance. Professor Wagstaff
: I got it. Haddock. Baravelli
: That's-a funny. I gotta haddock, too. Professor Wagstaff
: What do you take for a haddock? Baravelli
: Well-a, sometimes I take-a aspirin, sometimes I take-a calomel. Professor Wagstaff
: Say, I'd walk a mile for a calomel. Baravelli
: You mean chocolate calomel. I like that too, but you no guess it. Hey, what's-a matter, you no understand English? You can't come in here unless you say, "Swordfish." Now I'll give you one more guess. Professor Wagstaff
: ...swordfish, swordfish... I think I got it. Is it "swordfish"? Baravelli
: Hah. That's-a it. You guess it. Professor Wagstaff
: Pretty good, eh?
: You gotta brother? Mullen
: No. Baravelli
: You gotta sister? Mullen
: Yeah. Baravelli
: Well-a, you sister, she's a very sick man, you better come with us. Mullen
: Yeah? What happened to her? Baravelli
: She hadda accident in her automobile. McCarthy
: Ah, she has no automobile. Baravelli
: Well-a, maybe she's-a fall off-a horse. I don't-a look very close. Come on, we take you in our car. Mullen
: You will, eh? Well, I have no sister. Baravelli
: That's all right. We no gotta car. Come on.
: You sing-a high. Connie
: Yes, I have a falsetto voice. Baravelli
: That's-a funny; my last pupil she had-a false set-a teeth.
: There's a man outside with a big black moustache. Professor Wagstaff
: Tell him I've got one!
: I'm Professor Wagstaff of Huxley College. Baravelli
: That means nothing to me. Professor Wagstaff
: Well, it doesn't mean anything to me either. I'll try it over again. I'm Professor Huxley of Wagstaff College. Baravelli
: Well, you didn't stay at the other college very long.
: In case I never see you again, which would add ten years to my life, what would you fellas want to play football? Baravelli
: Well, first we want a football. Professor Wagstaff
: Well, I don't know if we've got a football, but if I can find one, would you be interested? I don't want a hasty answer, just sleep on it. Baravelli
: I no think I can sleep on a football.
: What are you doing here? Baravelli
: Me? I'm the music teacher. I give her singing lessons. Jennings
: [to Connie
] Since when are you taking singing lessons? Baravelli
: Since you came in. Jennings
: [to Wagstaff
] What are you doing here? Professor Wagstaff
: I'm the plumber. I'm just hanging around in case something goes wrong with her pipes.
] Professor Wagstaff
: That's the first time I've used that joke in twenty years.
: Have you ever had any experience as a kidnapper? Baravelli
: You bet. You know what I do when I kidnap somebody? First I call 'em up on the telephone, then I send 'em my chauffeur. Professor Wagstaff
: Oh, have you got a chauffeur? What kind of a car have you got? Baravelli
: Oh, I no got a car, I just got a chauffeur. Professor Wagstaff
: Well maybe I'm crazy, but when you have a chauffeur, aren't you supposed to have a car? Baravelli
: Well I had one, but-a you see it cost too much money to keep a car and a chauffeur so I sold the car. Professor Wagstaff
: Well that shows you how little I know. I would've kept the car and sold the chauffeur. Baravelli
: That's a-no good. I gotta have a chauffeur to take me to work in the morning. Professor Wagstaff
: Well if you've got no car, how can he take you to work? Baravelli
: He don't have to take me to work, I no got a job. Professor Wagstaff
: Baravelli, this is the finish: how much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?
: [referring to the picture of the pin-up girl
] Baravelli, is this your picture? Baravelli
: I don't think so. It no look-a like me.
: Well, that's the last time we deliver ice unless you pay the bill. Professor Wagstaff
: How much do we owe you? Baravelli
: Two thousand dollars. Professor Wagstaff
: Two thousand dollars for ice? I can get an Eskimo for two hundred dollars and make my own ice.
: I tell you what we do. I make you a proposition. You owe us two hundred dollars. We take two thousand and call it square. Professor Wagstaff
: That's not a bad idea. I tell you, I'll consult my lawyer and if he advises me to do it, I'll get a new lawyer. Why don't you forget about the money? Go to college, meet all the beautiful girls, get yourself a co-ed. Baravelli
: Hah! I got a co-ed. Last week for eighteen dollars I got a co-ed with two pair of pants. Professor Wagstaff
: Since when has a co-ed got two pair of pants? Baravelli
: Since I joined the college.
: Well, now that you're a college boy, here's your hat, here's your pennant, here's your coat. Alright, report for football practice in the morning. I want you to sign this agreement. Baravelli
: Hey, there's nothing on this paper. Professor Wagstaff
: That's alright. We'll fill in something later. Here, put your name on there, eh?
: The liver if neglected, invariably leads to cirrhosis. Of course, you are all familiar with the symptoms of cirrhosis. Baravelli
: Sure. cirrhosis are red; so violets are blue; so sugar is sweet; so, so are you.
: Now then, baboons, what is a corpuscle? Baravelli
: That's easy! First is a captain, then is a lieutenant, then is a corpuscle!
: Oh, Professor, I no see you. What are you doing here? Professor Wagstaff
: Nothing, right now. But, I was doing alright until you came in. Connie
: Oh, so you know the Professor. Baravelli
: Sure. He put me in business. He got me on the football team. Professor Wagstaff
: Now all's I gotta do is get him off the couch!
: Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband? Connie
: I do. Preacher
: Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife? Professor Wagstaff
: We do!
: [to Connie
] Lady, I like you. You've got something, but I don't know what it is. Professor Wagstaff
: If he thinks I'm gonna tell him, he's crazy!