Penelope Garcia
Quicklinks
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
Filmographies
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Biographical
biography
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Penelope Garcia (Character)
from "Criminal Minds" (2005)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Criminal Minds: The Anti-Terror Squad (#12.5)" (2016)
Penelope Garcia: [arriving at Alvez's desk laden with shopping bags] It's just a little something.
Luke Alvez: For me?
Penelope Garcia: No, not for you. It's for Roxy. But you have opposable thumbs, so you can open it for her.
Luke Alvez: [snickering, he opens a small box] Wow. Biscuits.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. They're all organic, human grade. Quite delicious, if I do say so myself. Uh, plus...
[indicating a larger bag]
Luke Alvez: It's a sweater.
Penelope Garcia: Oh! Isn't it amazing?
Luke Alvez: [halfheartedly] It is... amazing.
Penelope Garcia: What was that?
Luke Alvez: What was what?
Penelope Garcia: You paused.
Luke Alvez: No, I didn't.
Penelope Garcia: You don't like it.
Luke Alvez: No, I didn't... I didn't say that.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, you might be a profiler in training, but I am a profiler by association, and I can tell a lie when I hear one, and liar.

Penelope Garcia: The Bergstrom family was killed in their home in Winona, Minnesota last night. Mother, father, and little boy, all shot execution style.
Jennifer Jareau: Any suspects?
Penelope Garcia: Therein lies the mystery. The Bergstrom family was as low-risk as they come.
Dr. Spencer Reid: What about murder-suicide?
Emily Prentiss: That was ruled out. There was no murder weapon found at the scene, and both Bridget and Scott Bergstrom were shot in their bed.
David Rossi: But there was a survivor. A teenage daughter.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, seventeen year old Amanda. She was out past her curfew at the moment of the murders.
Jennifer Jareau: And she's the one that found the bodies.
Dr. Spencer Reid: It almost seems like a hitman scenario.
Luke Alvez: Maybe a mafia retaliation kill? But that doesn't seem likely in Winona, Minnesota.
Emily Prentiss: But it does seem like a revenge killing.
David Rossi: If the unsub expected to wipe out the entire family, he screwed up big time leaving Amanda alive.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Unless she had something to do with it.
Penelope Garcia: That's a question mark, but according to the M.E.'s preliminary report, she can't be the shooter based on alibi and time of deaths.
David Rossi: On the surface, they were a well-liked family living a low-risk lifestyle.
Dr. Spencer Reid: The daughter, Amanda. Where is she?
Penelope Garcia: Protective custody, in case the unsub sees her as unfinished business.
David Rossi: We good?
Luke Alvez: Mm-hmm.
David Rossi: We fly.

David Rossi: Bridget and Scott Bergstrom grew up in Winona and have deep ties to the community.
Jennifer Jareau: Scott was a local distributor of farm equipment, Bridget cut hair at a salon in the mall.
Emily Prentiss: And yet they were murdered by a family annihilator.
Penelope Garcia: Sad, but true. The Bergstrom family had their share of dirty laundry. Though who of us does not?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Scott developed a Vicodin habit a few years back after a skiing accident.
Emily Prentiss: So he could have been in over his head with his dealer.
Jennifer Jareau: So, Bridget was having an affair?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. I looked at their financials. She's got a credit card secret just in her name, with charges to a motel just outside of town and nothing else.
David Rossi: She might have cut things off, causing him to go off the deep end. Can you get us a name?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, I'm already into it. You'll have lover boy's name ASAP.
Dr. Spencer Reid: What about Amanda, the sole survivor? Any motive there?
Penelope Garcia: Deep sigh. I hate that you're asking that. And deep sigh again, I am bound by duty to report the facts. There's a modest insurance policy; seventeen year old Amanda is the beneficiary.
Emily Prentiss: $100,000.
Luke Alvez: That would seem like all the money in the world to a teenager.
David Rossi: People have been killed for a lot less. That's an unlikely motive for the daughter, but we can't rule her out.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Whatever set this unsub off, he made the whole family pay for it.

David Rossi: What's up, Garcia?
Penelope Garcia: Do you have any idea how many selfies the average teenager posts on social media on any given day?
[knowing Reid is about to speak]
Penelope Garcia: I'm gonna tell you before you say anything. So many. And, like, the guys, too.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Actually, some studies indicate that men take twice as many selfies as women 'cause it's considered to be an acceptable form of male vanity.
Penelope Garcia: How many pictures of yourself do you really need? And they're basically making the same expression.
[realizing what she said]
Penelope Garcia: Oh, my god. Am I officially not young?
David Rossi: You, my dear, are the portrait of everlasting youth.
Penelope Garcia: I'm timeless, right. Good answer.

Penelope Garcia: I have been drilling into the social media footprint of both of our adolescent survivors.
David Rossi: Any connection between Amanda and Matt?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. Stay with me while I go around here for a second. So, basically, both of their Facebook pages are just an outpouring of love and support from their peers. And it's touching, really, and it's very reassuring for the hope of our species.
Emily Prentiss: What did you mean "basically"?
Penelope Garcia: In between all the wonderfulness, there's a tiny tributary of nasty comments from some of their peers, saying that Matt and Amanda got what they deserved.
David Rossi: Well, they're kids. Kids can be cruel and thoughtless.
Penelope Garcia: Right, but we all know that cruelty is sometimes inspired by previous action, which made me wonder what Matt and Amanda might have done to provoke some of their peers to saying some of these things on their Facebooks. So I looked into their school records, and both Matt and Amanda have complaints against them for "harassing behavior".
Emily Prentiss: They're bullies.
David Rossi: Were they disciplined?
Penelope Garcia: No. To paraphrase the violent Femmes song, nothing went down on their permanent record.
Dr. Spencer Reid: So the victims were also victimizers.
Emily Prentiss: If the unsub was bullied himself as a teenager, that could be the original narcissistic wound that's fueling his present-day rage. Turning his surrogate victimizers into victims is the point for our unsub.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Bullying leaves lasting scars. Our unsub could be a teacher or staff member at the school who sees himself as an avenger of students who are current victims of bullying. Someone who punishes the bullies when no one else does.
Emily Prentiss: From the unsub's point of view, the bullies themselves are responsible for the violence he's perpetrating against their families.

David Rossi: Garcia, we need the records of every student at Pillsbury who filed a bullying complaint against Amanda Bergstrom, Matt Doherty, and Austin Settergren.
Emily Prentiss: Also, anyone who received counseling for being bullied by those students.
Penelope Garcia: [typing] Wow. This is a really big pool. I've got twenty-seven names.
Emily Prentiss: Any of those students bullied by all three?
Penelope Garcia: No.
David Rossi: Like Bakken said, most victims never come forward.
Penelope Garcia: So I'm seeing the tip of a really big iceberg.
Luke Alvez: Nobody wants to be a snitch.
Emily Prentiss: Also, bullying is often so widespread, it's normalized.
Jennifer Jareau: It would only amplify the unsub's feeling of powerlessness.

David Rossi: The pool of suspects is still too big.
Luke Alvez: Garcia, can you crosscheck the names you pulled with any mentions on social media of bullying?
Penelope Garcia: Oh, that is a boss idea. I'm gonna do that right now, and...
[typing]
Penelope Garcia: ...oh, this is interesting. I pulled up six names from my list, and they all belong to a private chat group.
Jennifer Jareau: Some kind of bullying support group?
Penelope Garcia: It's called the Anti-Terror Squad, but yeah, that's exactly what it is.
Emily Prentiss: It's an apt analogy. Ongoing bullying would feel like terrorism to those experiencing it.
Penelope Garcia: They warn each other about which stairwells and bathrooms to avoid on any given day. They walk each other to and from school. That kind of thing.
Jennifer Jareau: I tell Henry school's a safe place, but for these kids, it's anything but.
Emily Prentiss: Are there any mentions of retribution or payback, uh, planning?
Penelope Garcia: No. But there's a lot of content here. I'll do a keyword search. It'll take a while.
Emily Prentiss: Okay, so these kids took back some of their power by banding together. They call themselves the Anti-Terror Squad, so they see themselves as righteous.
David Rossi: The unsub may be one or all six of these kids. Garcia, I need you to locate their cell phones.
Penelope Garcia: Sure. Um...
[typing]
Penelope Garcia: They're all in the exact same place. All six of them are in a classroom at Pillsbury High.

Penelope Garcia: Kyle Ecklund has been bullied for a lot of years by a lot of kids. I mean a lot of kids.
Emily Prentiss: He unleashed on Austin Settergren. What did Austin do to him?
Penelope Garcia: Let's see... Oh, yes, yes, yes. Okay, so Austin was the ringleader of a particularly horrifying incident that happened a few years back.
Luke Alvez: We need to know where it happened.
Penelope Garcia: It happened right there at the basketball courts at school.
Luke Alvez: This place is a maze.
David Rossi: Garcia, can you guide us?
Penelope Garcia: Absolutely.

Penelope Garcia: [Rossi just made a search request] Oh yeah, digital shovels already throwing up dirt

Luke Alvez: [Rossi invented them for a drink at O'Keefe's] Hey, I just wanted a beer
Penelope Garcia: Well, there may be a glimmer of hope for you yet. But just so you know, the new guy pays!


"Criminal Minds: The Black Queen (#9.12)" (2014)
[2004, FBI Field Office, San Jose, California]
Aaron Hotchner: We've got you, Miss Garcia!
Penelope Garcia: If you say so, suit!
Aaron Hotchner: We've got evidence of your off-site servers and of your hack into the cosmetics company
Penelope Garcia: They test on animals!
Aaron Hotchner: Yes they do, but it's not illegal; what you've done is a felony and it's punishable by prison
Penelope Garcia: You've got me J. Edgar
Aaron Hotchner: It's agent Hotchner. And I'm of the Behavior Analysis Unit! And I'm here to offer you an option to prison: you come work for me, you be our technical analyst
Penelope Garcia: So, I teach you how to use Google, that kind of thing? That's fun!
Aaron Hotchner: You'd help us hunt psychopaths
Penelope Garcia: I'm a psychopath!
Aaron Hotchner: No. you're not! In hacker circles you're known as the Black Queen. And you are rigorously moral: all of your online attacks reflect a fierce desire to protect those who you think are being hurt. You accept my offer and you can do the same thing for the federal government. I just need a resume to give to human resources. Or we prosecute you!
Penelope Garcia: Well, I'm not in the habit of bringing my resume to events I am handcuffed at! But I have some stationary in my purse and I will write down some computery stuff I know and think about it!
[Morgan enters, Hotchner answers phone, Garcia starts writing on pink paper]
Aaron Hotchner: I need an answer
Penelope Garcia: Yes, if I can keep my purse
Aaron Hotchner: Good choice!

Penelope Garcia: Oh, beauty and brains! Hey eyebrows: when they do the men of the FBI calendar, is it just 12 months of you?
Derek Morgan: Welcome to the team!

David Rossi: Any idea who's behind it?
Penelope Garcia: Best guess is that's online collective known as Star Chamber. There one of several justice oriented groups that sprung up in the wake of the Steubenville rape case
Alex Blake: Star Chamber? Interesting name
Dr. Spencer Reid: It's derived from the 17th century British court designed to ensure fair enforcement of laws against the rich and powerful
Penelope Garcia: Actually according to my research they named it that because it's also the name of a mediocre, yet awesome Michael Douglas movie from 1983

Penelope Garcia: [closing quote] "To invent your own life's meaning is not easy, it's still allowed and I think you'll be happier for the trouble" - Bill Watterson

Rhonda: Sexual harassment isn't always a quid pro quo arrangement. Maybe it's a conversation between two co-workers that makes you feel uncomfortable. Maybe these co-workers use phrases like, "Baby girl." "Chocolate thunder. " Or, "Where's my big black twelve-pack?"
Penelope Garcia: [whispers] Who blabbed?
Rhonda: And that creates a what? A hostile work environment. So, messages like, "More cushion for the pushing" Not appropriate. "I'll be Coco to your Ice-T." Not appropriate. "Flarpy blunderguff." I don't even know what that means.
[Garcia receives a text message]
Rhonda: But, not appropriate. Ms. Garcia, you really have to stay for this.
Penelope Garcia: I'm sorry, but I got... I... I have to... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so... I'm so, so sorry.
Rhonda: Not appropriate.

Alex Blake: Hackers have signatures?
Penelope Garcia: Sometimes. Usually it's a message in the code to let other pros know, "Hey, this one was me." And in this case, the signature matches the DOJ hack, and it is, "Happy Fun Meow Meow."
Jennifer Jareau: Sorry, what?
Penelope Garcia: "Happy Fun Meow Meow."
David Rossi: What the hell does that mean?
Aaron Hotchner: It was Garcia's signature before she joined the BAU.

Penelope Garcia: It's time.
Derek Morgan: Time for what?
Penelope Garcia: Isn't it obvious, eyebrows? I have to get into character.

John Nichols: What is going on?
Shane Wyeth: She's back.
[claps his hands seeing Garcia comes in]
Shane Wyeth: Very nice... You... You've lost weight... You miss me?
Penelope Garcia: No.
Shane Wyeth: Okay... Why don't you... prove it?
Penelope Garcia: [to Ethan] Hi.
Ethan: Hi.
Penelope Garcia: I'm going to kiss you.
Ethan: Okay.
Penelope Garcia: [after kissing Ethan] Thank you.
[to Shane]
Penelope Garcia: We have a lot to talk about.
Shane Wyeth: Yes, we do.

Shane Wyeth: When I win, what do I get?
Penelope Garcia: When you log on to the DOJ website, there'll be a picture of me and Super Special Agent Derek Morgan with shoes on our heads.
[Shane grins and disappears]
Penelope Garcia: He just left the table.
Derek Morgan: Did he take the bait?
Penelope Garcia: I don't know.
Derek Morgan: What's the shoe on the head mean?
Penelope Garcia: Uh, it's an Internet thing.

Penelope Garcia: So, I have a confession to make.
Derek Morgan: Mm.
Penelope Garcia: You are not the first guy to call me "baby girl."
Derek Morgan: Get outta here.
Penelope Garcia: It's true.
Derek Morgan: It better not be that guy.
Penelope Garcia: Oh. No. Actually, it was a different guy.
Derek Morgan: Okay, I'll bite. How did this pretender to the throne end up stealing my fire?
Penelope Garcia: I'm going to tell you, but first, I have to explain an explicit, sexually inappropriate detail what a flarpy blunderguff is. Okay, so, you need like an oil-based paint and some charcoal and some sort of food that you love. I mean love, because you are gonna be with it...


"Criminal Minds: Rabid (#9.18)" (2014)
Dr. Spencer Reid: Why does it have to be such a fast mile? Have you ever even had to run a mile in the field?
Dr. Spencer Reid: No.
Penelope Garcia: I'm not even in the field. I sit at a computer on my perfect posterior, like all day.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Maybe we should ask Morgan for help.
Penelope Garcia: No.
Dr. Spencer Reid: But he has really good abs...
Penelope Garcia: Yes, he does. But it's bad enough some bureaucrat is making us take this stupid test. The last thing we need is Mr. Universe talking smack the whole time.
Dr. Spencer Reid: But he knows about all this stuff. He can probably, like. Teach us some tricks, help us train.
Dr. Spencer Reid: You work out? That's cool. I don't.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. In a non-traditional manner and never again with him. He was all, "there you go, baby girl. Move it or lose it". "This ain't your high-tech room. My grandmama can move better than that".

Derek Morgan: What'd you got, Sweetness?
Penelope Garcia: Mama's hands are dirty, 'cause she's been digging

Penelope Garcia: Oh, God. Okay.
Derek Morgan: You okay?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, why?
Derek Morgan: 'Cause you got a little gimp in your giddy-up.
Penelope Garcia: It's these shoes. Beauty knows no pain.
Derek Morgan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.
[sniffs several times]
Penelope Garcia: What are you doing?
Derek Morgan: Do I smell BENGAY?
Penelope Garcia: Maybe. I had an active evening with Sam.

Penelope Garcia: I got the 4-1-1 on our first victim, Melvin Lewis. Originally from The Malibu of the Midwest, Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Melvin moved to Milwaukee 12 years ago when wifey ran away with his best friend.
David Rossi: Ouch.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. Luckily, they had no kids. No criminal record. Like super squeaky clean. Not even a parking ticket. He joined Facebook a year ago. He has a whopping six friends, all from work.
Derek Morgan: He drives a truck, right?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. A milk truck, to be exact. But only did that for a month. Before, he worked for 10 years at an animal control center, but he was laid off due to budget cuts.
Dr. Spencer Reid: What exactly did he do, Garcia?
Penelope Garcia: He was a dogcatcher. But like a SWAT team of dogcatchers. He specialized in dangerous and trapped animals, including, but not limited to skunks, a raccoon, and one time a giant python.
Derek Morgan: All right, thanks, babe.
Dr. Spencer Reid: That could be it.
Derek Morgan: What? The python?
Dr. Spencer Reid: No, bite marks. Of course. That could be how he was doing it. That's why it was undetectable. Brain tissue, we need to look at brain tissue...
Derek Morgan: Okay, Reid.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Sorry. I don't think this is a biting fetish or cannibalism. I think it's a virus, and the biting is merely a means of transmission.
Derek Morgan: What kind of virus?
Dr. Spencer Reid: There are several possibilities. Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, tick-borne encephalitis, but the most likely culprit is rabies, and that wouldn't show up in an autopsy, except in brain tissue.
David Rossi: So, since Lewis was the only victim not bitten by a human, the UnSub must have used an animal to infect him first.
Dr. Spencer Reid: And after that, he somehow facilitated human to human transmission.
Derek Morgan: It would explain the random victimology. It doesn't matter who he infects. All he needs is a host.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Which also means the holding period isn't about torture, it's about incubation.
David Rossi: I was attacked by a rabid for once. Shot the thing three times before it went down. Freakin' terrifying. It was like a horror movie.
Dr. Spencer Reid: We need to have the M.E. test for rabies vectors in the brain samples.
Derek Morgan: And then we need to deliver the profile.

Derek Morgan: Give it to me, doll face.
Penelope Garcia: Do you know that over 50,000 people die of rabies every year in third world countries? Thank God for Monsieur Pasteur, otherwise we'd all be dead. Okay, so I looked into every known case of rabies exposure in the country over the last 20 years.
Derek Morgan: Did you find anything?
Penelope Garcia: Cool your jets, hot chocolate. I will let you know if I've got something. So, I've got something.

Dr. Spencer Reid: You think they'll really terminate us if we can't run fast enough?
Penelope Garcia: Probably something worse. They'll probably make us take another fit test.
Dr. Spencer Reid: I'd rather be terminated.
Penelope Garcia: I just hope the PT instructor isn't a jerk. Those jock guys are always such jerks.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Yeah, total jerks. That's probably him right now.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, look, he's totally walking like a jerk.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Yeah, it's a total jerk walk.
Penelope Garcia: Total jerk walk.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Wait a minute. Wait, I think it's Morgan... Yeah.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, my God, it is. Why are you here?
Derek Morgan: It looks like I'm your new PT instructor. Watkins got sick. So, today's your lucky day. I'm your guy. Ha-ha.
Penelope Garcia: Awesome. That's awesome.

Derek Morgan: Guys, guys, come on. Seriously. You should have just said something. This whole fit test thing is just a formality. I could've got the whole thing waived... But since you didn't, you ready to do this?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, let's do this!
[Garcia and Reid start running]
Penelope Garcia: Wow! Wow!
Derek Morgan: Hey, hey, hey. Happy-go-luckys, where are you going?
Penelope Garcia: To run a mile.
Derek Morgan: No, no, no. You didn't hear? The fit test is more than just a mile. Get your little butts back over here.
[to Garcia and Reid doing push-ups]
Derek Morgan: Come on, let's go, all the way down, all the way up.
[to Garcia and Reid doing sideways jumps]
Derek Morgan: Come on! My grandmamma can do way better than that.
[to Garcia and Reid doing chin-ups]
Derek Morgan: Let's go! This is not your high-tech room.
[to Garcia and Reid skipping rope]
Derek Morgan: On our toes, right on your toes. There you go, baby girl, that's sweet.
[to Garcia and Reid doing stepping exercise]
Derek Morgan: Go, girl, you know it. Turn around, right back down.
[to Garcia and Reid lying down]
Derek Morgan: Hey, hey, hey. What are we doing? What's all this huffin' and puffin'? Come on, we still got a two mile run to go. Let's go!
Penelope Garcia: Two miles?
Dr. Spencer Reid: It's supposed to be one mile.
Derek Morgan: No, no, no. Not my watch. This whole fit test is altogether different. Now suck it up!
Penelope Garcia: Oh, my God.
Derek Morgan: Let's go!... All right, all right, all right. Enough is enough. I guess I got to let the cat out of the bag. I kind of already had your fit test waived.
Dr. Spencer Reid: What?
Derek Morgan: Yeah. Baby girl, think about it. You're not even in the field. And Pretty Ricky, you already got enough case hours to qualify. This was just a good time for me.
Penelope Garcia: I'm gonna kill him.
Dr. Spencer Reid: If I can manage to lift my arms, I'll hold him down.
Penelope Garcia: I'm regaining my strength.
Derek Morgan: I told you, you should have said something. I said... Hey... Hey...
Penelope Garcia: You're getting it now!

Dr. Spencer Reid: We got a case?
Penelope Garcia: Yep.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Thank God.
Penelope Garcia: Race you to the bleachers. We don't need him!
Dr. Spencer Reid: Ok. I'm just gonna have a heart attack real quick.

Penelope Garcia: [about Morgan] I'm gonna kill him!
Dr. Spencer Reid: If I can manage to lift my arms, I'll hold him down.


"Criminal Minds: I Love You, Tommy Brown (#7.17)" (2012)
Kevin Lynch: Just the guy I'm looking for.
Derek Morgan: Hey, what's up, Kevin?
Kevin Lynch: Can we talk?
Derek Morgan: Is Penelope okay?
Kevin Lynch: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's perfect. In fact, that's why I'm here. Look, I know you're Penelope's boo and she's your baby girl. And what I'm about to embark on involves the keen insight of somebody who knows her inside and out. And no matter how much therapy I've gone through trying to understand your relationship, I know you're that person.
Derek Morgan: Okay, Kevin, land your plane.
Kevin Lynch: I want to propose to Penelope, and I need your help. Please, I'm not asking for your blessing, I'm asking for your advice. Okay, should I do it over a couple tacos and a nice can of Red Bull? All right. Should I take her to New York and do it at the Statue of Liberty? Maybe, I should serenade her at the round table right before you guys present a case. No, actually, that may not work, given the gruesome nature of your job. How about the high tech room, and I... and I pop up on an HD mainframe?
Derek Morgan: Kevin, seriously, I got a meeting I gotta get to.
Kevin Lynch: Derek, please. Come on, bro, this is important.
Penelope Garcia: [Morgan comes into the meeting room] Hi, yeah, what was that about?
Derek Morgan: You know, he just wanted to talk.
Penelope Garcia: About what?
Derek Morgan: Just guy stuff.
Penelope Garcia: Me?
Derek Morgan: I didn't say that.
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, I'd like to get started.

Penelope Garcia: Derek Morgan, this is the 67th message that I have left you, and if you do not call me back, I will have no choice but to show everyone that nude photo of you from art class, and not the good one, either. I'm being serious. What were you and Kevin talking about yesterday? I'm freaking out here. Please, call me back. Bye.

Jennifer Jareau: I will never understand this whole teacher lover thing. I can barely deal with a grown man.
David Rossi: What's interesting is, if it would have been a male teacher and a female student, he'd have gotten 20 years and none of this would have happened.
Jennifer Jareau: Well, she could get life plus 20 for all those murders she committed.
Dr. Spencer Reid: You know, it's funny. If she wasn't so pretty, she probably would never have been released in the first place.
Penelope Garcia: What?
Dr. Spencer Reid: It's true. Unattractive female predators serve a longer prison sentence than their attractive counterparts.
Penelope Garcia: Wow. That's ridiculous.
Dr. Spencer Reid: It's primal. There's a hierarchy to everything, including sex offenders.

[last lines]
Kevin Lynch: What's wrong, plum sauce?
Derek Morgan: You know what? I'm gonna let you guys do what you guys do.
Kevin Lynch: You... You know, don't you?
Penelope Garcia: Kevin... I like the way that things are now. I love how you have your space and I have my space, and when we come together, we're our own weird world unto ourselves, and... I don't want to ruin that.
Kevin Lynch: That's not what this would do.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, it would.
Kevin Lynch: [pause] Penelope, are you, are you against marriage, or are you just against marrying me?
Penelope Garcia: Kevin... I'm just not ready yet.
Kevin Lynch: Well, I am.
[walks away]
Penelope Garcia: Kevin.

David Rossi: [Profiling the unsub] Either way, they're calculating and dispassionate.
Penelope Garcia: And no appreciation for Chenille throw pillows.

Penelope Garcia: This is a red velvet cupcake and you only give them to me on special occasions!
Kevin Lynch: We'll talk later.

Penelope Garcia: [on phone with Hotch] Penny G. has checked all local mental institutions and there are no women that fit that description that have been released in the last two weeks.
Aaron Hotchner: [on headset] Alright; check Oregon, Idaho; even Montana.
Penelope Garcia: Okay... there are... 4 women that match the profile and none of them are preggers.


"Criminal Minds: Exit Wounds (#5.21)" (2010)
Penelope Garcia: [voiceover] Nature, in her most dazzling aspects or stupendous parts, is but the background and theater of the tragedy of man. -John Morley

Penelope Garcia: [voiceover] Ralph W. Sockman said, Nothing is so strong as gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as real strength.

Emily Prentiss: [while walking through D.C] JJ that's not the point!
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [scoffs] Well are you gonna call him?
Emily Prentiss: Maybe.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [groans/while laughing] Emily!
Emily Prentiss: Mick Rawson is an arrogant, uh oversexed, egotistical...
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Hot British dude with a sexy accent, badge and gun. Just your type.
Emily Prentiss: [scoffs]
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [as Garcia walks towards them] Alright, you know what? I don't even get you sometimes.
Emily Prentiss: It wouldn't go anywhere.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: You don't know that.
Emily Prentiss: I know our *work* schedules.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Okay, you know what, Will and I make it work.
[sees Garcia coming, carrying a ton of shopping bags]
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Oh no.
Emily Prentiss: [laughs]
Penelope Garcia: I know, I know, I know, I know. Don't say it. But when you see what's in here, and - and it's not my fault. They were calling to me, I swear. And they were all on sale, so if you think about it that means I am helping the economy which is more than I can say for you guys... 'cause no one else has bags.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Yeah, please tell me all of those aren't for my son.
Penelope Garcia: They're not.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Good.
Penelope Garcia: [holds up a tiny bag] This one is for Kevin.
[Prentiss laughs]
Penelope Garcia: What it is my duty as a fairy godmother to *spoil* the child. And Henry is finally old enough to be fun while opening presents. I am not taking them back! Give me my coffee and no one's gonna get hurt.

Penelope Garcia: [after witnessing the unsub commit a murder] He was still alive.
Derek Morgan: Baby, there's nothing else you could have done.
Penelope Garcia: I felt him leave. He was there one second, and then... just a body.
Derek Morgan: I'm really sorry that you had to see all of that.
Penelope Garcia: Derek, I didn't see... I was in it. I was sort of used to seeing horrible things from the safety of my screens every day, but this was... right there.
Derek Morgan: Why didn't you go and find someone before you ran out there?
Penelope Garcia: Because when I got shot, I remember thinking "The last thing I'm ever gonna see in this life is the man who killed me", and I couldn't let that happen to him. He had to see something good before he died.

Joshua Beardsley: What are you doing?
Penelope Garcia: Trying to make this place a little less analog... Sorry, I forget my hacker jokes aren't funny.

Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: It looks like we'll have to double up.
Derek Morgan: I'm not sleeping with Reid.
Penelope Garcia: [taking Morgan's hand] Dibs.
Kevin Lynch: [via phone to Garcia] What do you mean you're sharing a room with Morgan?

Derek Morgan: It sucks, doesn't it?
Penelope Garcia: What?
Derek Morgan: Just knowing that we couldn't have done any of this without you.
Penelope Garcia: [scoffing laugh] Yeah, pretty much.
Derek Morgan: I'm proud of you, Penelope. Despite everything that happened, you came back... and you got the job done.
Penelope Garcia: The sight of blood used to make me run away. And two nights ago I ran towards it.
Derek Morgan: It means you're changing into someone stronger than you realize. You cared enough to risk your own life to try and save someone else.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, but... what's the difference between being strong and being jaded? I'm scared, Derek. I don't want to lose who I am just so I can do this job.
Derek Morgan: We are in one of the most beautiful places on Earth. I know you see that, don't you?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah.
Derek Morgan: Then we have nothing to worry about. It's who you are, baby girl. You see the beauty in everything and everyone no matter where you go. That part of you is never gonna change, and I won't let it.
Penelope Garcia: I don't need you to protect me.
Derek Morgan: Tough. I think I'm gonna stay on the job a little while longer.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah?
Derek Morgan: Mm-hmm.
Penelope Garcia: How much longer?
Derek Morgan: Every day of my life.
Penelope Garcia: I kind of love you, Derek Morgan.
Derek Morgan: I kinda love you, Penelope Garcia.


"Criminal Minds: Gatekeeper (#9.7)" (2013)
Penelope Garcia: Do you know how many Ashleys are in downtown Boston? Too many Ashelys! That many Ashleys. And the only thing to track her down is that she has fancies for bunnies.
[Ugh]
Penelope Garcia: . So I am pulling the receipts from local pet shop, nothing crosses. And anyway, even if she likes bunnies, it doesn't mean that she owns bunnies. I like unicorns, I don't have unicorns. I am looking for a trail of wild geese and bunnies.

Derek Morgan: Talk to me, baby girl.
Penelope Garcia: You better get ready to go down on one knee, because this BG boo just won herself one hell of a diamond!

Penelope Garcia: You know what? Send me that broken cell phone. I may be able to pull data from the device itself.
Aaron Hotchner: And in the meantime, forward Delfino's calls to us. If she tries him, we'll be able to talk to her.
Penelope Garcia: Smart thinking, *sensei*. Routing it now.

Dr. Spencer Reid: Thanks. This night is not about me, though.
[raises his glass]
Dr. Spencer Reid: To David Rossi.
David Rossi: I still can't believe you guys did this.
Dr. Spencer Reid: We wanted to make sure you had one last proper goodbye.
Penelope Garcia: Mm. And I may or may not have posted on the Quantico message boards that all the drinks are on you tonight.
David Rossi: And they are indeed, thank you very much.
Aaron Hotchner: But that's not all. I don't believe that any of the members of this team have heard you sing.
Helen: Next up is David Rossi.
David Rossi: That was intentional.
Aaron Hotchner: Next up is David Rossi.
Helen: Dave, get your ass up here and sing us out already.
Aaron Hotchner: And, look, it's your key.
David Rossi: Yeah, Q squared.
[Karaoke "piano man" starts]
David Rossi: All righty. To all the great memories that have happened within these walls, if you think I'm doing this without backup, you're nuts. Come on, JJ, Reid, let's go. Derek! Come on!

Penelope Garcia: His name is Tanner Johnson, and life has not been kind.
Jennifer Jareau: He lost a child, didn't he?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, last year. Ten year old son Jeremy. According to reports, Jeremy was playing with a friend, they were, like, fake 'wrestling', when Tanner, a freelance photographer/night time doorman, got a call, left the room to take it; when he returned, his son was unconscious, the friend was trying to revive him from a chokehold gone horribly wrong.
Aaron Hotchner: The son was strangled; that's why he uses a garrote.
Penelope Garcia: Jeremy was on life support for a few days, but he died.
Alex Blake: And Tanner blames himself. He stopped watching for a minute and he lost his son.
David Rossi: He hasn't stopped watching since. The grief must have consumed him.
Jennifer Jareau: That's a hell of a stressor, but what triggered the murders?
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, what happened to Tanner's wife? Did the marriage survive?
Penelope Garcia: Uh... nope. She kicked him out two months ago. Right before the killings started.
Jennifer Jareau: So he loses his child, then his wife and home. It's enough to make anyone unstable.
Alex Blake: Add guilt to that, and it's all too much. He dissociated.
David Rossi: Paternal transference. Claimed the residents of the apartment building as his family.

Penelope Garcia: If the name Ashley is on Scott's phone, I can't find it.
Derek Morgan: Penelope, this is sounding more like cubic zirconia.
Penelope Garcia: Bite your pretty tongue. I didn't stop at the first rejection. I did what you guys did; I profiled the guy. Scotty is a ladies' man, gets a lot of names and numbers, gotta keep track of 'em all. What's a playa to do, playa?
Derek Morgan: He gave her a nickname.
Penelope Garcia: "Baby Girl" was already taken. But "Bunny" wasn't.

Penelope Garcia: Beantown has turned into Chokeville. Three victims, all male, wallets stolen.
Aaron Hotchner: The unsub uses a garrote to strangle his victims. He strikes at night, and there have been no witnesses.
David Rossi: How much did he get?
Aaron Hotchner: What's odd. Each of the victims' socio-economically is lower to middle class. It's doubtful there would have been much cash, and there have been no charge attempts on any of the credit cards.
Alex Blake: So the murders might not be about money at all. Taking the wallets could be a forensic countermeasure to delay victim identification.
Penelope Garcia: That could be the sitch with the first two victims, but the latest one, Scott Delfino, he was on the phone with his roommate when he was attacked; call cut out unexpectedly, repeated callbacks went straight to voicemail.
Aaron Hotchner: And Delfino's body was found an hour later, indications were that he'd been blitzed.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Which speaks to the killer's prep work, but also his desperation. He chose a location to lay in wait, but wasn't capable of adapting to a target on the phone.
Jennifer Jareau: Well, that could be arrogance getting in the way, making his organization appear mixed. To me, that screams false confidence.
Derek Morgan: Which means the desperation is what's driving him. It's not about the kills, it's about what the murders represent.
Jennifer Jareau: He's mission oriented. He doesn't want to kill them, he has to.
David Rossi: Which suggests the unsub has no personal connection to his victims.
Alex Blake: Except choking as a kill method is extremely personal. He feels each victim take their last breath.
Derek Morgan: What if the wallets are a form of depersonalization? He's stripping his victims of their identities.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Which means he may feel stripped of his own. If the wallets are trophies, he could be seeking recognition for his work.
Aaron Hotchner: And he may not stop killing until he gets that recognition. Let's go.


"Criminal Minds: In the Blood (#9.6)" (2013)
Penelope Garcia: Hey, could you check my refrigerator and see if I have enough hot sauce?
Dr. Spencer Reid: You have some jalapeno sauce here next to this jar of eyeballs.

Penelope Garcia: [closing quote] Mitch Albom said: "Death ends a life, not a relationship"

Jennifer Jareau: Do you know the boyfriends whereabouts?
Penelope Garcia: He's in Alaska, so his alibi is a solid as a pre-globally warmed glacier!

Dr. Spencer Reid: Why are you doing a Day of the Dead theme?
Penelope Garcia: Well, my stepfather's family always made a big deal of it in Mexico, and my name is Penelope Garcia after all, so...

Penelope Garcia: [with fake blood running down on her cheeks] You didn't even flinch. JJ's right. I told her I wanted to go scary this Halloween, and she just laughed at me, and she said that I don't have a scary side.
Dr. Spencer Reid: I'm sorry. If it makes you feel any better, you probably do.
Penelope Garcia: Really?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Yeah. The building blocks of the human personality are complex, varied, and multi-faceted. It's essential to one's mental health to want to express these hidden personalities, and... it's just a fact of nature that everybody has one.
Penelope Garcia: Everybody? You have one?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
Penelope Garcia: Okay, okay. I want to see it. I want to see Dr. Spencer Reid's hidden personality.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Uh, you, right here? Like right now you want to see it?
Penelope Garcia: I have fake blood running down my cheeks. Right here, right now.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Okay. Once you see it, you can't unsee it.
Penelope Garcia: Okay.
Dr. Spencer Reid: I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Did that guy just fire five shots?" or "Did that guy just fire six shots?" You're gonna have to ask yourself a question. Do you feel lucky, punk?... That was Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry. I mean, I know it's not as effective as my dominant personality, but I feel like there's...
Penelope Garcia: Hey, look, we gotta go.
Dr. Spencer Reid: These eyeballs, do they need to be refrigerated?
Dr. Spencer Reid: No, it's cool.

[last lines]
David Rossi: Well, I guess this is proof positive that ancestry ain't all bad.
Penelope Garcia: How about a toast to the 30 or 40 of us?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Cheers!
Derek Morgan: Cheers!
Jennifer Jareau: Cheers!
David Rossi: Salute!

Jennifer Jareau: What's up, Spence?
Dr. Spencer Reid: There's something strange about this one branch of the family tree. Garcia?
Penelope Garcia: Talk to me. I am fluent in genius.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Roy and Becky Danary. They died in 1985, leaving behind a son named William Danary, but there's no record of what happened to him.
Penelope Garcia: The Danarys were Peace Corps workers in Ecuador. They died in a car accident there... and you're right, their kid just sort of vanished. Let me do some digging, and I will call you back.


"Criminal Minds: Penelope (#3.9)" (2007)
Penelope Garcia: When I was in the ambulance I could hear the song "Heroes" playing in my head. I kept flashing in and out of consciousness, everything was really bright and I remember thinking, "Wait, is David Bowie really God?"

Derek Morgan: Hey silly girl. I love you, you know that, right?
Penelope Garcia: I love you too.

Derek Morgan: Take this gun.
Penelope Garcia: I don't believe in guns.
Derek Morgan: Okay, trust me, they are very real. Take it.

Penelope Garcia: [opening quote, voiceover] William Shakespeare wrote "Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none."

[last lines]
Jennifer "JJ" Jareau: I think someone's watching you.
Penelope Garcia: Do you believe everything happens for reason?
[walks to Kevin]
Penelope Garcia: You.
Kevin Lynch: You.
Penelope Garcia: You're good.
Kevin Lynch: You're better.
[pause]
Kevin Lynch: Kevin Lynch.
Penelope Garcia: Penelope.

David Rossi: All right, let's cut the crap! You need to be straight with us. Right now. Look at me, not them!
Penelope Garcia: I am not hiding anything...
David Rossi: You got shot! Most people get shot for a reason!
[Garcia looks around]
David Rossi: Eyes here!
Derek Morgan: Ease up Rossi!
David Rossi: You got a room full of people here, willing to believe that an FBI agent is trying to kill you! We need to know everything you do on company time that we don't know about!
Derek Morgan: Come on, man!
Penelope Garcia: It's nothing bad...
David Rossi: What? Spit it out!
Penelope Garcia: It's nothing bad! It's just... I council victim's families and they know where I work, so sometimes they ask to look into their cases for them.
David Rossi: What does that mean?
Penelope Garcia: Just means that the cases, the unsolved ones, I tag them, so whoever investigates them knows that the FBI considers them a priority.
Aaron Hotchner: You're not authorized to do that.
Penelope Garcia: I know! I was just trying to help.


"Criminal Minds: A Beautiful Disaster (#11.18)" (2016)
Derek Morgan: Tell me you got something.
David Rossi: A casing and a rifle up on the roof.
Jennifer Jareau: This guy isn't sloppy. He's sending us a message.
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, we need to access the surveillance footage.
Penelope Garcia: [leaving] Of course. I'm on it.
Derek Morgan: All right, what else we got?
David Rossi: That's it right now.

Derek Morgan: When is someone gonna let me know they're gonna be okay?
Penelope Garcia: I totally feel you. You're not alone in this.
Derek Morgan: Just stop. Please, just stop. I can't take your blind optimism right now. It's not helping me.

Dr. Spencer Reid: How'd he take it?
Aaron Hotchner: As expected.
Penelope Garcia: Sir, I know that when Morgan was on leave after his abduction, you encouraged him to stay away from the case.
David Rossi: And let me guess: he didn't.

Dr. Tara Lewis: How you holding up?
Penelope Garcia: I've never seen him like this. I just want to fix it and I can't. It's too much for anyone. It's not fair, and it needs to stop.

Aaron Hotchner: Morgan never calls me Aaron. Why would he start?
Jennifer Jareau: What else did he say?
Aaron Hotchner: That of all people, I should understand.
Jennifer Jareau: He was talking about Foyet.
Aaron Hotchner: Yes, but he mentioned that earlier. Why bring it up again?
David Rossi: He wanted you to relate to his rage and back off?
Dr. Tara Lewis: Is there any other relevance to Foyet?
Aaron Hotchner: He attacked in my home. Maybe Morgan subconsciously let that slip.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, but Morgan's house isn't red.
Dr. Spencer Reid: [realizing something] Yeah, but he's renovated a lot of houses over the years. What if it's one of those?

Derek Morgan: You know, you're partially to blame for me leaving. You got such a big heart, I think it rubbed off on me.
Penelope Garcia: Partially. I think the actual reason is that little baby boy.
Derek Morgan: Yeah.
Penelope Garcia: I'm really glad it wasn't a baby girl.
[Morgan laughs]
Penelope Garcia: I'm really glad. Is that wrong?
Derek Morgan: No. No. You will always be my original Baby Girl.


"Criminal Minds: Hope (#7.8)" (2011)
Penelope Garcia: [voiceover] "Hope is faith holding out its hands in the dark" ~~ George Iles

Penelope Garcia: [voiceover] There's a quote by my favorite author, Joseph Campbell, and it goes like this: "Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."

[first lines]
Penelope Garcia: Here goes. And... This is the part I always leave out. I had missed my curfew the second time that week, and when I got home, it was crazy late. It was like 3:00 in the morning. And my parents weren't home, and the phone rang, and my life stopped. My parents were killed by a drunk driver when they were out looking for me. And if they hadn't been out looking for me, then...
[pause]
Penelope Garcia: We all have wounds that we want to heal. That's why we come here every week, right? And I have to believe that, as we keep coming here, and talking and revealing, that eventually, in time, even the deepest wounds we carry will begin to heal.

Derek Morgan: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, Where do you think you're going?
Penelope Garcia: I'm going with you.
Derek Morgan: No, that can't happen. It could be way too dangerous.
Penelope Garcia: Okay, either you let me go with you or you're going to have to forcibly remove me from the SUV. Your choice.

Penelope Garcia: Bill, I know the pain you feel. I get you. I know. I heard you talk about it in group.
Bill Rogers: Why doesn't Monica understand that?
Penelope Garcia: Bill, I just think she needs more time to understand it.
Monica Kingston: What? What?
Penelope Garcia: Listen, Bill. I know all you've ever wanted was just somebody to love. You were trapped inside a cocoon just waiting for somebody to set you free.
Bill Rogers: Hope made me feel... For the first time in my life, I felt love.
Monica Kingston: She was my baby!
Penelope Garcia: You brought Monica here because you're heartbroken. And you're desperate to recreate what you lost with Hope.
Monica Kingston: I lost my child!
Penelope Garcia: Bill, you need to tell her. You can do this, okay? You need to let her know why this is all happening. You need to tell her. You can do this.
Monica Kingston: Say something. Say something!
Bill Rogers: Our baby...
Monica Kingston: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, my baby.
Bill Rogers: Hope was pregnant.
Derek Morgan: Bill, drop the gun.
Penelope Garcia: Do what he says.
Derek Morgan: Drop it. Now.
Penelope Garcia: It's okay, Bill.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Nice and easy.
Derek Morgan: [Bill drops the gun] Now put your hands where I can see them.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Slowly step away from Monica.
Derek Morgan: Easy...
[Monica takes the gun]
Penelope Garcia: Monica!
[Monica shoots Bill]

Penelope Garcia: [voiceover] We are each on our own journey. Each of us are on our very own adventure, encountering all kinds of challenges, and the choices we make on that adventure will shape us as we go. Those choices will stretch us and test us and push us to our limit. And our adventure will make us stronger than we ever knew we could be.


"Criminal Minds: Run (#7.24)" (2012)
Kevin Lynch: I'm so happy you're all right.
Penelope Garcia: What are you doing here? It isn't safe.
Kevin Lynch: I didn't want you to be alone.
Penelope Garcia: I'm not. You know, they separate the President and the Vice President at times like this.
Kevin Lynch: And you comparing us to POTUS?
Penelope Garcia: I'm saying that you should be at Quantico running point.
Kevin Lynch: Well, I'm here right now. What can I do?
Penelope Garcia: Okay, I need to analyze every frame of this video.

Emily Prentiss: No, it's more personal than that. It's their story.
Derek Morgan: What?
Emily Prentiss: All of the details are a part of their story. Their timeline suggests they were both destructive before they met.
Erin Strauss: So, we're talking about ex-military turning on their country.
Emily Prentiss: It's rare, but soldiers become disenfranchised no matter what the nationality. And if he met someone like-minded at that time, there'd be no stopping them.
Aaron Hotchner: So, you're thinking they met during the civil unrest in Chad in '08.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Yeah, and one or both of them are pilots.
Emily Prentiss: So, if Garcia concentrates on that region, specifically weapons running in and out of Libya, there's a good chance we'll find their paths crossed.
Penelope Garcia: Okay, multiple entries into Libya from a private pilot named Matthew Downs in '08, but I don't have her name.
Emily Prentiss: Well, because she had aliases. It's the only way to stay a ghost. Here's the thing. They are a couple. Regardless of what we believe of them, they will celebrate themselves and their connection. Is there anything that happened on this date in Chad?
Penelope Garcia: Oh, you are good, Emily Prentiss. But this news is not. Yes, there were multiple explosions on this date in '08.
Aaron Hotchner: Where were the most casualties?
Penelope Garcia: At a church. No, no, a train.
Derek Morgan: Semtex and C-4?
Penelope Garcia: Yep.
Aaron Hotchner: Are trains still arriving at Union Station?
Erin Strauss: Yes, but only the authorities are allowed in.
Emily Prentiss: That's why they needed Will.

Dr. Spencer Reid: The convention's still happening tomorrow if you want to go.
Penelope Garcia: Uh, that whole city on the brink of destruction thing kind of took the wind out of my sails, you know?
Emily Prentiss: That'll do it every time.

Penelope Garcia: What?
Emily Prentiss: I... I'll tell you later.
Penelope Garcia: I do not like the sound of "I'll tell you later."
Emily Prentiss: It's JJ's night, and I don't want to...
Penelope Garcia: All right. If you are telling me that there is something bad happening right now to balance out the goodness that is tonight, I will have none of it, because I don't believe in that. Although it's totally one of the truths of life, isn't it? The bitter and the sweet mixed up together in a cosmic soup that we've all signed up for.
Derek Morgan: Penelope. Penelope. Breathe. Breathe.
Penelope Garcia: I think Kevin's here tonight. It would make sense that he would come tonight. Don't you? He's here. He's here and he's with her, so I'm gonna go somewhere which is not... Go somewhere that is not that is not here.

David Rossi: They say that good things happen to good people. Today is one of those days, and these are two of those people. We love you.
David Rossi, Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau, Detective William LaMontagne Jr., Emily Prentiss, Dr. Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan, Aaron Hotchner, Sandy Jareau, Beth Clemmons, Penelope Garcia: Cheers!

Penelope Garcia: [Following a hint from Emily] Oh you're good, Emily Prentiss, but this news not!


"Criminal Minds: The Internet Is Forever (#5.22)" (2010)
Penelope Garcia: Oh, you crafty little sicko.

Derek Morgan: If there's one thing I've learned the hard way, is the last person you want to tick off is Miss Penelope Garcia.
Penelope Garcia: Aww... that a compliment, right?

David Rossi: If he puts it on the web, can't you track that back directly to his computer?
Penelope Garcia: Normally, yes. Normally, in like 17 seconds I can get you the network he's using, get the physical address of his modem and presto change, oh no more bad guy, but this unsub is a creepy computer aficionado

Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, if he does stream this again, how much time will you need to find the network?
Penelope Garcia: Oh, uh, that's hard to guess with all the international pinging, I...
Aaron Hotchner: Ballpark?
Penelope Garcia: Eh, 7 minutes?
Aaron Hotchner: That's not fast enough! He's in and out of the house in 5
Penelope Garcia: Oh God, I going to have to trim my time down, then!

Aaron Hotchner: [Garcia is tracing the unsub' signal] You're not going to make it
Penelope Garcia: Yes, I will! I will! I...
Aaron Hotchner: Forget the unsub! Can you run a trace on everybody in the chat room?
Penelope Garcia: I can't do both, sir. Let me do this
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia? Tag the viewers! That's an order!

Penelope Garcia: Now, I can't tell you who the unsub is pretending to be now, but since a picture is worth a thousand databases, I can tell you who he was


"Criminal Minds: The Good Earth (#8.5)" (2012)
Penelope Garcia: What do you mean he's not going? Every kid loves trick-or-treat
Jennifer Jareau: Henry's scared! One of his little buddies told him Halloween was the only time when all the real monsters come out, because they can blend in
David Rossi: Never thought about that! Good monster strategy
Penelope Garcia: Hum, you did tell him it wasn't true, right?
Jennifer Jareau: Of course I did, but he's convinced
David Rossi: Childhood fears are resistant to adult logic. Sometimes you just have to wait it out
Jennifer Jareau: For how long?
David Rossi: Well, if he's 23 and this still worries you, you got a problem!

Derek Morgan: It says here that vomit was found at the vicinity of his abduction
Penelope Garcia: Hmm, thank you for reminding me of that disgusting detail, Dreamy D.! Yes that vomit has been collected and is being analyzed as we speak and I am very grateful that I have this job and someone has that one, that's not me!

Derek Morgan: Hey, you're talking to the room, PG
Penelope Garcia: Hm, If by PG you mean Parental Guidance strongly advised, I'd say PA prudent advice!

Aaron Hotchner: [Picks up his mobile] Go ahead, Garcia
Penelope Garcia: I just hit the trifacta, but with two things instead of three. What's that? A bifecta?
David Rossi: Exacta! What do you got?
Penelope Garcia: Well, that's just... Anyway, uh, two missing vehicles, not missing any more!

Penelope Garcia: Those of you who like a good mystery, please unleash your inner Agatha Christie, 'cause this one's a real humdinger.

Penelope Garcia: It's been really bugging me, I can't figure out what Terry Rodgers was doing those missing five months. I mean, you can't sit on a park bench in this country and not leave a paper trail!
David Rossi: But you figured it out?
Penelope Garcia: No. That's just me venting.


"Criminal Minds: Brothers Hotchner (#8.23)" (2013)
Penelope Garcia: [Picks up the pohone] Go for greatness
Derek Morgan: Hey Baby Girl, I need you to run a search on delayed onset MDMA Meth amphetamine mixtures. See if you can find anything about...
Penelope Garcia: Wow!
Jennifer Jareau: What?
Penelope Garcia: Double oh to the wow to the oh wow power! There's a drug called para-methox... ish...
Dr. Spencer Reid: Para- methoxymethamphetamine?
Penelope Garcia: Yes! What you just said: PMMA for short

Penelope Garcia: I hope you saved me for dessert!
Jennifer Jareau: Morgan isn't here, Baby Girl
Penelope Garcia: Oh! I knew that. That was for you
Jennifer Jareau: Hmm

Penelope Garcia: Guys, I have found something stranger than a time-traveling police box!

David Rossi: Ecstasy is frequently used as a date rape drug, but I've never seen it cause bleeding like this.
Erin Strauss: Could it be a bad batch?
Penelope Garcia: Well, according to the M.E., the victims had so much MDMA in their systems that it caused their internal body temperature to go out of control. They boiled from the inside out.

Penelope Garcia: Hello, my pretties. I have seen the wizard and he granted my wish.

Penelope Garcia: That's not right. Why is that happening? What... What... What... Wait... Wait... That's what the... That's what The Replicator... That's what The Replicator said. Where is he? How did he get in my... How did he do it? How did he get in... How did he get in? Hey!


"Criminal Minds: Gabby (#9.16)" (2014)
Penelope Garcia: He was released last year for slinging bennies and heroin
Derek Morgan: Where is he now?
Penelope Garcia: Sleeping I imagine! I'm sending you his home address. There it is!

Penelope Garcia: There were no calls, but Ian's cell pinged off of three cell phone towers outside of town on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I sent you the locations
Dr. Spencer Reid: Cell tower range and directionality can be dramatically influenced by atmospheric, electromagnetic and traffic capacity variations
David Rossi: Meaning?
Dr. Spencer Reid: A cell phone can travel to the same location but ping off of different towers on different days, due to independent outside variables.

Derek Morgan: Mama, is it even possible for somebody to live completely offline these days?
Penelope Garcia: Sure, if you live in an Afghani cave or certain parts of New Jersey, other than that not so much

Dr. Spencer Reid: Garcia, can you see what's at this intersection point? 39-30 latitude, negative 89-42 longitude.
Penelope Garcia: Uh, that would be the old Little farm. And that's Little, not like diminutive, but Little family, that's where Ian grew up.

Penelope Garcia: Gabby's not the only baby on that forum that's being discussed.
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, I need to know everything that you can find about anyone communicating with Sue.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna... Oh, my God. Oh, no, no, no... Sue gave Gabby away.


"Criminal Minds: Hit (#7.23)" (2012)
Penelope Garcia: Okay, okay, the TV movie is in hall H at 9:00. Can we go to that?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Absolutely. Do you think we can we make it to the Captains of the Enterprise panel at 11:00?
Penelope Garcia: Obvs. Thanks for coming with me.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Of course. I've been knitting this scarf for weeks.
Kevin Lynch: Penelope.
Penelope Garcia: Kevin. Hi. You came. And you brought a friend. CSU technician Sharp, how are you?
Evidence Tech Gina: Fine. You?
Penelope Garcia: I am also fine. Okay, well, see ya.
Kevin Lynch: You're not gonna go in?
Penelope Garcia: No. Actually, we just went in and it's super lame, so we're leaving.
Kevin Lynch: Uh, okay. Oh, great costume.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, you, too.

Dr. Spencer Reid: That was awkward.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, my God. We used to come every year. I can't believe he brought someone else.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Well, you brought someone else.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, someone I couldn't possibly be sexually attracted to.
Dr. Spencer Reid: You're welcome?

Dr. Spencer Reid: Whoa, Rossi!
David Rossi: Why doesn't this surprise me?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Are you here for the convention?
David Rossi: Who schedules a cigar aficionado event back to back with this?
Dr. Spencer Reid: I know, right? It's the greatest party ever.
David Rossi: Well, it was gonna be. Unless it involves Gentleman Jack and pre-embargo Cuban cigars. I find that statement to be highly dubious.
Penelope Garcia: Kevin brought another woman. I'm plotting revenge. Do you want to help?
David Rossi: No. Now, you know I love you both, but this is Saturday and it is my day off, so I'd prefer to love you from afar. So, have fun. It's my bedtime.
Dr. Spencer Reid: It's 9:00 a.m.
David Rossi: You're judging me?

David Rossi: These guys were too good to get caught, so why did they?
Detective William LaMontagne Jr.: 911 received a call alerting them to a robbery in progress
Penelope Garcia: Actually it was a text. DC added 911 messaging after the Virginia Tech students texts went unanswered during the massacre

Dr. Spencer Reid: I should be there. We've learned everything we can from here Garcia:
Penelope Garcia: No, you can help more by helping me. There is a lot to go over and your brain works faster than mine


"Criminal Minds: Elliott's Pond (#12.6)" (2016)
Penelope Garcia: "So long as the memory of certain beloved friends lives in my heart, I shall say that life is good." - Helen Keller

Penelope Garcia: Thank the universe for silver linings

Penelope Garcia: [On the video phone] My brain is a little wonky from that intel earlier today. Is that just me? No? Good, not good, but you know

David Rossi: [On the phone] So, uhm, how are you holding up?
Penelope Garcia: Well, eh, you know how I am with change
David Rossi: Yeah, that's why I asked

David Rossi: I'll patch in Garcia
Penelope Garcia: [Picks up the phone] I was feeling forgotten
Dr. Tara Lewis: Never!


"Criminal Minds: The Caller (#9.10)" (2013)
Penelope Garcia: Just confirmed there was a ten-minute segment on the Unsolved: Frankie Clayvin Murder on a low-rated cable show 12 years ago.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Even with low ratings, probably a half a million people saw it.
Penelope Garcia: 376,000; it's not often I get to correct another genius.

Aaron Hotchner: [picks up his mobile] What have you got, Garcia? Garcia:
Penelope Garcia: I triangulated the phone call that came to the Tafferts' house at 3:03 AM last night and all I can say is: Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot!

Derek Morgan: [calls Garcia] Yeah Baby Girl, I need you, boo
Penelope Garcia: Always ready and eager to serve you!

Aaron Hotchner: [his cell phone beeps] Go ahead, Garcia.
Penelope Garcia: I have got a list of Eastern European women around Memphis area who committed suicide within the last 4 decades. It's a short list. The most relevant name is Olga Milworth, who was from Romania.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Like Nadia Clayvin was.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. She was married to an American named Charles Milworth, and 19 years ago she tried to kill herself and her son. Get this, her son survived.
Aaron Hotchner: What's his name?
Penelope Garcia: His name's Daniel Milworth, and he was incarcerated in Arizona for 11 years in a Psychiatric hospital for the criminally insane because he kidnapped and tortured a prostitute.

Jennifer Jareau: No signs of forced entry or a struggle, according to the initial police report.
Penelope Garcia: Mom and dad put him to bed at ten. Woke up this morning, he was gone.
Alex Blake: Any visitors or workers to the house recently?
Penelope Garcia: No, but the parents say in the last two weeks, they've received five phone calls from what sounds like a little boy prank calling them.
Aaron Hotchner: They complained to authorities, but police determined that no laws had been broken.
Penelope Garcia: Mm-hmm. The little boy says "I'm gonna get you", according to police reports. There's a lot of crazy people talking in the background; it sounds like it's coming from an asylum or prison.
Derek Morgan: Well, I'd say the calls might coincidental, except the boy called again right after the parents found Andy missing, and he had a different message this time; "Did you see what I did?".
Jennifer Jareau: So he's taunting them. Maybe this is about revenge.
Alex Blake: "I'm gonna get you" is typically a threat, but in the case of children, it can also be a phrase used during play.
Dr. Spencer Reid: You know, this sounds similar to a cold case from fifteen years ago. Frankie Clayvin of Memphis.
David Rossi: I remember that. Gideon handled it. It obviously pre-dates all of you.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Frankie Clayvin was nine years old at the time. He never made it home from school one day, was found dead in the woods thirty-six hours later five miles from his house.


"Criminal Minds: Compromising Positions (#6.4)" (2010)
Penelope Garcia: [voiceover] Abraham Lincoln said, "Whatever you are, be a good one."

Derek Morgan: You know what your only mistake has been since you started?
Penelope Garcia: Oh, hooray. More criticism.
Derek Morgan: You are trying to replace J.J. Nobody can replace J.J. Now, take the other one out, too.
Penelope Garcia: I'm not trying to replace her. I'm... I'm trying to do this job the way she'd want it done.
Derek Morgan: You know what J.J. would want? She'd want you to find a way to do this job on your own terms. Play to your strengths.
Penelope Garcia: Okay, all my exstensive knowledge of operating systems and internet protocol is not really gonna help me out here.
Derek Morgan: That's not what I'm talking about.
Penelope Garcia: What are you talking about?
Derek Morgan: You need to go O.G. Original Garcia.
Penelope Garcia: Derek Morgan, I'm a little blind right now, but it appears the rough blur that is you just threw out my only pair of contact lenses.
Derek Morgan: [putting Garcia's glasses back on her face] There she is. I know you.
[Morgan gives Garcia a teasing wave]
Penelope Garcia: How often do I tell you I love you?
Derek Morgan: Every day. It's implied.

Aaron Hotchner: When Gideon left the BAU, I found myself taking on too much responsibility. And I quickly realized that I could only do the job that I was good at. I've seen you give everything to this case and to this team for the last few days, but the truth is we need you here.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, thank God. Sir, I do not want that job. I mean... I want part of the job. I-I want the part that keeps me here, 'cause here I'm Mozart. But out there, I was like a monkey playing the trumpet, and you guys need Mozart.
Aaron Hotchner: You did fine. What if we split up the job? You can handle intake and resources here at Quantico, we can cover the rest in the field, and when we need you, you'll still travel with us.
Penelope Garcia: You can do that?
Aaron Hotchner: Of course.
Penelope Garcia: But I let you down.
Aaron Hotchner: In no way whatsoever.
Penelope Garcia: I... kind of lost my marbles out there.
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, when you applied for this job, you gave me your résumé on homemade pink stationery. I realized then that you were... unique. And I wouldn't want you to change that.

Aaron Hotchner: Garcia. What's that?
Penelope Garcia: My go bags.
Aaron Hotchner: Where are you going?
Penelope Garcia: With you, hopefully. Sir, I think we're all still reeling since JJ left, and we are a man down, and you need a communications liaison.
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia.
Penelope Garcia: Sir, please, hear me out. My job overlapped with JJ's the most. I created that program that she used to present cases. When you guys were out in the field, she coordinated your needs through me. It makes sense.
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, there are aspects of the job for which you have no training.
Penelope Garcia: You're totally right, but I'm willing to learn. I'll learn how to react with families and local law enforcement and the media. Sir, I'm willing to tone down my wardrobe choices. I'm ready to make that sacrifice if you just please give me a chance.
Aaron Hotchner: All right. We could explore this on a trial basis. We'll see how things go.

Derek Morgan: Well, look at you, look at you.
Penelope Garcia: Meet your new communications liaison. Trial communications liaison.
David Rossi: Garcia, I don't get to say this often, but I had no idea there was this side of you.
Penelope Garcia: Well, I figured since I'm gonna have to interact with the mass populace, I should dress in the traditional costume of a mere mortal.
[Garcia widens her eyes]
Derek Morgan: What's wrong?
Penelope Garcia: It's my contact. It keeps getting weird and... There it goes... No. Yes. No.


"Criminal Minds: Natural Born Killer (#1.8)" (2005)
[Garcia enters the room with a cardboard box]
Derek Morgan: Please tell me you brought some breakfast.
Penelope Garcia: Trust me, sugar. You're not going to want to eat when you see what's in here.

Dr. Spencer Reid: Pull up James Baker's rap sheet. He spent time in juvenile detention for attempted murder, was released at age 21, and then subsequently arrested for - and this is in order - armed robbery, petty theft, burglary, narcotics sales, and rape.
Elle Greenaway: But there's no other sexual assault complaints in his file.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Absolutely nothing. Told you it was interesting.
Penelope Garcia: What's so interesting about that?
Dr. Spencer Reid: When it comes to psychological behavior, anything is possible, but this criminal history, it just isn't probable. I mean, as a minor, he began with attempted murder and then devolved into pettier crimes? It's the criminal history of a fractured schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder. It just does not make sense.
Elle Greenaway: Unless someone made that rap sheet up, and they weren't thinking about the behavior; they just plugged in whatever sounded good.

Elle Greenaway: [about a phone tap] Is this gonna work?
Dr. Spencer Reid: The beam is reflected from the window pane according to the law of optics
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, the angel of instance is equal to the angle of reflection
Elle Greenaway: Uh, huh! Is it gonna work?

Penelope Garcia: [about to watch a tape] 10 bucks if this involves naked co-ed's and a plumber
Dr. Spencer Reid: What?
Penelope Garcia: Never mind!

Elle Greenaway: [to Garcia] Can you get into those records?
Dr. Spencer Reid: [Garcia is typing] Despite the fact they're probably expunged, she can find the faintest echo of deletion and successfully recreate the file, thereby sending us all to prison for computer felony fraud counts
Elle Greenaway: [Garcia is looking worried up to her] We can make bail, Garcia!
Penelope Garcia: Already in


"Criminal Minds: Damaged (#3.14)" (2008)
Penelope Garcia: [mortified that Kevin will talk with Rossi about their relationship] If you get within a hundred feet of Agent Rossi, I will unleash an unrecoverable virus onto your personal computer system that will reduce your electronic world into something between a Commodore 64, and a block of government cheese.

David Rossi: Where're my notes, my original crime scene notes?
Penelope Garcia: Again, sorry, you didn't ask for that specific you used...
David Rossi: I have to say how to look for everything? What kind of a researcher are you?
Penelope Garcia: I'm not a researcher, I'm a technical analyst.
David Rossi: What the hell does that even mean?
Kevin Lynch: [coming in] You left the middle of my back totally unloofahed.

Emily Prentiss: He might need our help.
Penelope Garcia: He didn't ask anyone for help.
Emily Prentiss: Penelope, Rossi is a guy who color-coded his hand-written notes in his notebooks. Blue pen for evidential items, red pen for supposition and theory. The guy is a fussy, anal-retentive, neat freak who never leaves anything out of its place. I would say this is a scream for help.

Penelope Garcia: [Shower runs, knocks on the door] There is no acceptable excuse for violence, but for you I am making an exception!
[opens door]
Penelope Garcia: Oh my God! Agent Rossi
David Rossi: This can't be everything
Penelope Garcia: I'm sorry sir
David Rossi: This is not everything
[walks into her house]
Penelope Garcia: I was taking a sh... your're coming in

Penelope Garcia: [Rushes into JJ's office] I might be in big trouble
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Come on in
[keeps on reading her papers]
Penelope Garcia: I can't believe he showed up at my apartment
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: It's not like I am doing anything in here
Penelope Garcia: We just had a seminar on fraternization last week, but
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: I really have a lot of work to do, Garcia
Penelope Garcia: So you don't want to hear how agent Rossi showed up at my door in the middle of the night while I was enjoying post-coital shower with fellow FBI technical analyst Kevin Lynch?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [closes file, turns chair] Sit. So you were in the shower with Kevin Lynch?
Penelope Garcia: Come on JJ, I am being serious I need your help
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: With what?
Penelope Garcia: Agent Rossi! We're not supposed to date fellow bureau employees
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: From what I hear, Rossi is the reason most of these fraternization rules even exist, okay? He's not going tell anyone. Just relax. Wait, what was Rossi doing in your apartment?
Penelope Garcia: That's a good... I am not supposed to tell anyone
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Why?
Penelope Garcia: I didn't press the issue. I was all naked and all drippy
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Doesn't showering with someone always seem like a better idea before you're actually doing it?
Penelope Garcia: [laughs] Yes, it's a bit of a workout
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: And there comes a point where a girl just got to wash her hair alone, you know


"Criminal Minds: Future Perfect (#11.10)" (2015)
Penelope Garcia: [playing poker] I'm in
David Rossi: Well, I think you're bluffing, so I will see your fuzzy pencil and raise you... from the Dominican Republic one Fuente Fuente Opus X
Penelope Garcia: I don't understand what we're betting. I don't smoke
David Rossi: 'Cause poker is not fun unless you have something on the line

Penelope Garcia: [showing pictures on the big screen] St. Augustine, Fl. Uh, two bodies were found, early this evening, in a remote wooded area, just west of the city. Neither have been identified yet
Dr. Tara Lewis: This woman's complexion...
Penelope Garcia: She was exsanguinated, which is really a fun word to say, but I didn't know its terrible meaning until I started working here

Penelope Garcia: Richard or Robert and no last name... so my judgement is that Bartholomew or Oglethorpe with no last name would be easier...

Penelope Garcia: Garcia:
[opens fridge, talks to herself]
Penelope Garcia: Ice cream bad, yogurt good, yogurt with ice cream the best! Well done, Penelope, you're making... you're making excellent choices. You're talking to yourself way too much these days. But who wouldn't? I'm cooped up in here all by myself

Aaron Hotchner: [answering the telephone] Sir? Yes sir!
Penelope Garcia: Garcia I need you to do a search of doctors and medical professionals in the region and see if any red flags pop up.
Aaron Hotchner: But of course! Carmine? Scarlett? Cherry? Crimson? Maroon? What shade of red are we looking for?


"Criminal Minds: The Silencer (#8.1)" (2012)
Penelope Garcia: Now that superwoman is on the case you don't need me.
Derek Morgan: You know what, I'm gonna chalk that up to a little jealousy.

Penelope Garcia: I was doing some digging because that's what I do...

Penelope Garcia: Hi I'm Penelope Garcia and I don't like change.

Penelope Garcia: Okay, you never gave your vote on who should get what.
Derek Morgan: Give Reid the mug.
Penelope Garcia: Really? That means that JJ gets the double-decker bus?
Derek Morgan: I thought that was for Kevin.
Penelope Garcia: No, we're not talking right now.
Derek Morgan: Garcia, you guys were just talking yest... Never mind.

Alex Blake: The origin of "nice" is 12th century Middle English, meaning "foolish" or "stupid." I hope you're referring to the modern use of the adjective.
[pause]
Alex Blake: You must be Penelope. I'm Alex Blake.
Penelope Garcia: Nice to meet you. Really, actually nice in the nicest of ways nice.


"Criminal Minds: Heathridge Manor (#7.19)" (2012)
David Rossi: Emily, you asked earlier if she was going to a renaissance fair. There's something to that.
Emily Prentiss: Based on the dress, there could be more of a connection to history than the occult.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Renaissance fairs typically replicate 16th century England. They've surged in popularity since they began in the 1960s.
Penelope Garcia: And it's not just a bunch of nerds in costumes eating turkey legs, you guys.

Derek Morgan: Hey, baby girl, you're on speaker. Give me the lowdown.
Penelope Garcia: Chocolate thunder, you can have the whole kit and caboodle. Just say the word.

Penelope Garcia: [Rushes in] Oh my gosh! I am so sorry for the delay. The system was down. We overwork her and I had to go into the belly of the beast, who I affectionately nicknamed Persephone and do some machine whispering

Penelope Garcia: [Rossi calls Garcia] Fount of wishdom

Jennifer Jareau: Where is she now?
Penelope Garcia: Oh, I was hoping you would ask, because I have the answer!


"Criminal Minds: Divining Rod (#7.21)" (2012)
Derek Morgan: What do we got, baby girl?
Penelope Garcia: Thank you, sir. We have a killing in Enid, Oklahoma. And not... the capital punishment one you are thinking of right now. I'm talking about a woman named Cara Smith, who was murdered in her apartment minutes after the execution of Rodney Garrett.
Aaron Hotchner: A neighbor saw her front door open and discovered the body.
David Rossi: Look familiar?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Young, pretty, short blonde hair.
David Rossi: And stabbed directly through the heart.
Dr. Spencer Reid: That's exactly the way Garrett killed his victims.
Derek Morgan: So are we looking at a copycat?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Or someone creating doubt the right person was executed.
David Rossi: In Garrett's case, there was no doubt. His guilt was the slam dunk of all slam dunks. Prints, DNA, a confession.
Dr. Spencer Reid: He even led police to where he buried two of his victims.
Emily Prentiss: Garrett killed twenty-five women before he was caught. If this new unsub is a copycat, body count's just started.

Emily Prentiss: [browsing through mail Garrett received in prison] Get a load of this one. "Dear Mr. Garrett, it took a lot of courage to do what you did. Most people are cowards and don't do what they feel inside them. You are an inspiration, and I applaud you."
[scoffs]
Emily Prentiss: "I applaud you."
David Rossi: These are supposed to be the non-wacko letters.
Penelope Garcia: Hey, guess what? JJ's genius has struck again. That hunch about the hair was right. I'm sending you an ATM image of Cara Smith. She's the first victim. This was taken ten hours before her murder. Check it.
Detective Childers: The unsub cut her hair, too.
Dr. Spencer Reid: You know, there could be a sexual element involved. Trichophilia is a fetish where one becomes aroused by the removal of hair.
Derek Morgan: Well either way, it's starting to look less like a copycat. The unsub's deviating too much from Garrett's M.O. Garrett never took trophies.

Derek Morgan: Hey, say it like you mean it, baby.
Penelope Garcia: Yon know, I'm gonna. So, if you look in the dictionary, the word "normal," you will see Cara Smith. College student, well-liked, straight A's, English lit. major. Speaking of which, I just got a transcript of Rodney Garrett's last words, hot off the press, and a gold star to the first person who can identify the source of this. "She comes like fullest moon on happy night. Taper of waist..."
Dr. Spencer Reid: "With shape of magic might." It's from *The Thousand and One Nights*. Not the exact translation that I would have used, but it's got its own merits.
Emily Prentiss: And in a shocking non-upset, we have a winner.
David Rossi: Garrett was sixth-grade dropout. An unlikely guy to be quoting from a Harvard Classic.

Penelope Garcia: Oh, hey, guys. Hey. I just wanted to see what's going on. Hi, hello.
Emily Prentiss: This better be important, Garcia.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, it's nothing. It's just that a messenger came by the office today with some papers from escrow!
Emily Prentiss: No!
Penelope Garcia: Oh, yes. The house in Dupont Circle. You got it!
Aaron Hotchner: Congratulations!
David Rossi: [sees Prentiss's smile fades] Six seconds. Fastest case of buyer's remorse ever.

Emily Prentiss: [Calls, line gets picked up automatically] Garcia? Garica? Hey, are you awake?
Penelope Garcia: [Wakes up from sleeping on her chair] Oh my God! I'm so awake! It's 2.30 in the morning. This is my stride. I am awake right now. I'm lying, I fell asleep. What do you need?


"Criminal Minds: Seven Seconds (#3.5)" (2007)
Penelope Garcia: Believe me when I tell you the 1980s just called. They want their security system back.

Derek Morgan: Well, you are breaking my heart baby girl. Where are you going?
Penelope Garcia: And who are you with?

Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Susan consoling Katie's mother, that's an image that's gonna haunt me for a while.
Penelope Garcia: Well, we could have been left haunted by a lot worse.

Penelope Garcia: I also need a joystick controller, video transmitters, a coax cable and a programmable park
[nobody does anything]
Penelope Garcia: And I don't mean that hypothetical!

Penelope Garcia: Another seven seconds I was able to decipher, but it's 7 more than we had
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: What are we looking at?
Penelope Garcia: Surveillance footage I retrieved of the second camera on the first floor. It show Katie exiting the arcade, follows her movements through the crowd, she went north
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: Until she disappears.
[... ]
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: Seven seconds...
Penelope Garcia: All the images I could find, sir
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: ...is all what it takes for a child to disappear!


"Criminal Minds: Magnum Opus (#8.13)" (2013)
Jennifer Jareau: Thought I'd check on Spence on my way into work.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, me too.
Jennifer Jareau: Are these all from you?
Penelope Garcia: Maybe.
Jennifer Jareau: What's in that one?
Penelope Garcia: Mixed nuts and seeds. I'm trying to think of something that will help him feel better. So I went Reid-like and I did a bunch of research and it turns out that nuts and seeds have naturally occurring magnesium, and magnesium influences the production of serotonin, which is the happy-happy-joy-joy chemical in your brain. I don't know.

Jennifer Jareau: [Outside Reid's apartment] Spence? Listen, if you're in there, we just want to know if you're all right.
Penelope Garcia: Knock twice if you're conscious.
[They hear two knocks]
Penelope Garcia: Is he ever gonna be okay?
Jennifer Jareau: Eventually.
[Louder voice]
Jennifer Jareau: And he knows we're always here for him, no matter what!
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, what she said!

Penelope Garcia: Office of omnipotence. How may I dazzle you?
Aaron Hotchner: Garica, I need information on the latest victim Aimee Fortner.
Penelope Garcia: Information is my favorite way to dazzle, sir! So sparkly!

Penelope Garcia: Ladies and gents, the Golden State awaits. Meet who is formerly Gary Porter. He was found dead outside a San Francisco nightclub last night, and Pamela Hurd, she was found near a cable car stop in San Francisco's Mission district.
Jennifer Jareau: They were both found wrapped in clear plastic.
Derek Morgan: Says here they were dead only a few hours before they were found. And that's not long enough for the elements to have made them that pale.
Penelope Garcia: Because that's where we enter the town of Weirdville on the corner of eww and icky icky. Both victims were almost completely drained of their blood. Less than a pint left.
Alex Blake: He's exsanguinating them.
Aaron Hotchner: While they were still alive.
Derek Morgan: Well it might be utilitarian. He needs them alive so they can pump out the blood themselves.
David Rossi: Draining a body like that is extremely hard to do. Once the heart stops pumping, it's difficult to continue to extract the blood.
Alex Blake: So the question is how is he doing it?
Penelope Garcia: Oh, I wish you wouldn't ask that, 'cause now I've gotta show this picture.
Aaron Hotchner: There are large bore holes in the femoral artery of each victim.
Jennifer Jareau: Our unsub could have medical knowledge.
Aaron Hotchner: It's possible. We'll know more when we get there. Wheels up in thirty.

Derek Morgan: What's up, baby girl?
Penelope Garcia: I'm worried about Reid.
Derek Morgan: I am, too.
Penelope Garcia: What do you think he's doing?
Derek Morgan: I think he's taking the time that Hotch gave him.
Penelope Garcia: I get it, he's sad. He should be sad, with the... I'm just... I'm so worried, and... and when someone I love is hurting, it's like I hurt, too, which I know is super co-dependent, but it's just how I roll, and I feel like I should be doing something and I... I don't know what it is.
Derek Morgan: All right, slow down. All right? Just slow down.
Penelope Garcia: Could you call him?
Derek Morgan: I have. He's just not ready to talk to anybody right now.
Penelope Garcia: I... I need to hear his voice. It's impairing my ability to work.


"Criminal Minds: Memoriam (#4.7)" (2008)
Derek Morgan: [to Reid and Rossi] It's Garcia.
[answers phone]
Derek Morgan: Yeah, talk to me baby girl.
Penelope Garcia: I'm not interrupting boy time a Crazy Horse 2 am I?
Derek Morgan: You know that's not my thing. I'm more for in room entertainment.
Penelope Garcia: Well, I can't help you there. But I do give good phone.

Penelope Garcia: Oh, Will he looks just like you.
Detective William LaMontagne Jr.: Let's hope he grows out of that.
Emily Prentiss: Just as long as he doesn't inherit the accent.
Dr. Spencer Reid: [from outside the door] Is there room for one more in here?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Spence, hi.
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: [to Reid as he enters] Welcome back.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Thanks.
[looks at Henry]
Dr. Spencer Reid: Wow.
[to Will, extending his hand]
Dr. Spencer Reid: Congratulations.
Detective William LaMontagne Jr.: [takes Reid's hand] Thank you.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [to Reid] How is it that I just went through 15 hours of labor and... you look worse than I do?
[laughs]
Dr. Spencer Reid: Don't be ridiculous. You look beautiful.
Detective William LaMontagne Jr.: Well I could sure use some coffee. Anyone else?
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: Sure.
Detective William LaMontagne Jr.: My treat.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [after Will, Hotch, Prentiss and Garcia leave; to Reid] You okay?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Wow. Yeah, yeah.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: You sure? Because there's something I wanted to ask you, but, it can wait.
Dr. Spencer Reid: What is it?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Will and I were talking and... we want you to be Henry's Godfather.
Dr. Spencer Reid: I don't - I mean, I don't know...
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Here. You wanna hold him. It's okay.
[hands Henry to Reid]
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Watch his head.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Hi. Hello Henry.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: If anything happens to us, it's up to you and Garcia to make sure this boy gets into Yale.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Ooh. Yale. Yale! Do you wanna go to Yale, Henry? That was your Godfather's safety school.
[whispers]
Dr. Spencer Reid: Don't worry, I can get you into Cal Tech with one phone call.

Penelope Garcia: Ladies and gentleman, I'm not a doctor. I don't even play one on TV, but I believe young JJ is going into labor.

Dr. Spencer Reid: We can't get a warrant, so we have to go this under the radar on this one, Garcia
Penelope Garcia: You want to hack your father's network? You're sure about this?
Dr. Spencer Reid: I really wish people would stop asking me that!

Dr. Spencer Reid: What did you find?
Penelope Garcia: Well, let me tell you first what I didn't find: no kiddy porn, no membership to illicit websites, no dubious emails, no chat room history
Dr. Spencer Reid: What about his finances?
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: We went back 10 years, no questionable transaction that we can find
Emily Prentiss: Well, he did buy a ticket to see Celine Dion 6 month ago, but I think we can overlook that


"Criminal Minds: Won't Get Fooled Again (#1.3)" (2005)
Derek Morgan: My bomb fragments, let's start putting this bad boy together.
Penelope Garcia: Why bother, don't you just dust for prints and... stuff?
Derek Morgan: Garcia, what are you doing in the FBI?
Penelope Garcia: I didn't get into medical school.

Derek Morgan: You ready to do some work?
Garcia: Why not? I haven't slept this week,I might as well give up eating too.
Derek Morgan: Awwh,poor baby. Try not to let the tears hit the paper, it gets a little messy.

Derek Morgan: [showing Garcia the bomb fragments] How these things are put together can tell you how the unsub thinks.
Penelope Garcia: You sound like Gideon.
Derek Morgan: Okay, ouch. Oh, you think it's bull? Okay... all right.
[showing Garcia an evidence baggie]
Derek Morgan: You see that section of pipe? Okay, that right there used to be part of the cap. It screwed onto these threads right here. But see, here's the thing: it had to be done very carefully because even if one tiny grain of powder got onto those threads while he was working, that little bit of friction would have ignited the bomb. Boom, boom, boom. See you later, unsub. Now, he didn't have to use a powder that fine. He didn't have to use threaded caps, and he didn't even have to use a steel pipe, and it would have been a whole lot safer if he hadn't. But the bomb wouldn't have been nearly as deadly. So what does that tell you about our unsub?
Penelope Garcia: He's one sick puppy?
Derek Morgan: [laughs] To say the least. One sick puppy that aims to kill. Not scare, not vandalize, or make some kind of political statement. Kill.

Penelope Garcia: [Reid calls] Office of supreme genius puzzle solver! You have a riddle for me?


"Criminal Minds: Lucky (#3.8)" (2007)
James 'Colby' Baylor: Hey Garcia?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah?
James 'Colby' Baylor: I've been wanting to do this all night.

Derek Morgan: Good morning, princess.
Penelope Garcia: [quickly says] Good morning.
[and keeps walking]
Derek Morgan: Pump... ya brakes.
[Derek beckons Penelope back to him]
Derek Morgan: Every day, I say 'Good morning', and every morning you say 'I'll show you a good morning, hot stuff.' Every day. But not today?
Penelope Garcia: I hate profilers. Do you know that?
Derek Morgan: Spit it out.
Penelope Garcia: Fine. I met a guy.

Penelope Garcia: Penelope, Garcia. My friends call me *wonderful* or Garcia.

Emily Prentiss: Hey Garcia, you normally call Morgan about these kinds of things. Is everything okay?
Penelope Garcia: God I hate profilers!
Emily Prentiss: Okay, come on, tell me!
Penelope Garcia: I met this guy at the coffee shop I go to every day...
Emily Prentiss: Right! Got it
[Hangs up, walks to Derek]
Derek Morgan: What?
Emily Prentiss: When a woman tells a man about her feelings, she doesn't want him to fix her. She wants him to shut up and listen!


"Criminal Minds: The Pact (#8.2)" (2012)
Penelope Garcia: [badgering Rossi about his unused vacation days] Everyone likes vacation.
David Rossi: Vacations are overrated.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Didn't you take a vacation two years ago?
David Rossi: Luckily, two days in I was called back.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, and now he's got thirty-one days.
Alex Blake: A month?
Dr. Spencer Reid: You know, sunshine is an essential source of Vitamin D. You should go to Florida and get some sunshine.
David Rossi: That's for old guys.
Derek Morgan: What about a safari in Africa?
David Rossi: Too hot.
Dr. Spencer Reid: How about Italy?
David Rossi: Too many relatives.

Alex Blake: If I were you, I'd give your vacation days away to a colleague in need.
David Rossi: [snaps fingers] Garcia, see how many people in the bureau have spouses in the military serving overseas.
Penelope Garcia: I am on it. Altruism is sexy.
Aaron Hotchner: [walks in] Yes, it is.

Aaron Hotchner: [Phone rings] Go ahead, Garcia
Penelope Garcia: The path of my cyber-sleuthing has had majestic results!

Aaron Hotchner: Does she have a sealed juvie record?
Penelope Garcia: Why didn't I think of that? See, this is why you're the boss man and I am the minion who types things!


"Criminal Minds: Final Shot (#9.3)" (2013)
David Rossi: What about the increase in calls and letters to the Dallas office?
Penelope Garcia: I have checked all the assassination buffs and conspiracy theorists, including myself, and I am sort of sad to say we're all in the clear

Penelope Garcia: The company that runs chat alert is damn good at scrambling their data! Although I am fast as hot lightning, eh, my server is not, because it needs updating, so if someone wit gray hair and a tie could approve the funding to update that server, we could get a shot at the road and I...
Aaron Hotchner: Put in a requisition, Garcia
Penelope Garcia: Thank you sir! Filing form 9093B now... I'm familiar with it and the void it disappears into. Okay, I did manage to piece together Alica's last text

Penelope Garcia: You know, I love a juicy conspiracy because it makes everything seem like an Agatha Christie novel, and I am still convinced that there was a second shooter on that grassy knoll.

Derek Morgan: Hey. Talk to me, baby girl.
Penelope Garcia: I've been reading these heinous things that have happened to these women at the hands of their abusers, and can I just say, thank God for men like you who are strong, yet gentle at the same time...
Derek Morgan: Okay. Guess what I'm about to put you on speaker. Maybe you want to stick to the facts.
Penelope Garcia: Right. The facts, okay.


"Criminal Minds: The Inspiration (#9.1)" (2013)
Jennifer Jareau: [Uses mobile] Hey, Garcia
Penelope Garcia: I was starting to feel like the hottest people I know had left me at the altar, but now you're here, to kiss me with crime! What's up?

Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, Heather Clarke is the victim that our unsub's been feeding to the others.
Penelope Garcia: Yikes.
Aaron Hotchner: See if she had any enemies.
Penelope Garcia: [typing] No. I mean, she was her company's top regional manager, she... she looks loved.
David Rossi: Well, the unsub's rage has probably been brewing for a long time.
Alex Blake: And he most likely expressed his disdain for her long before he killed her.
Derek Morgan: Baby girl, check middle and high school records.
Penelope Garcia: [typing again] No, zero. Zero, there's nothing there.
David Rossi: There's gotta be something. See if her parents ever filed a restraining order.
Penelope Garcia: [finding a result] Oh, creepy bingo.

Penelope Garcia: Two women, Sarah Beck and Jill Elks, were found in a park in Glendale, Arizona within the last three days. Both of them were single in their late twenties, and following their normal low-risk routines when they were abducted.
Alex Blake: Where we they taken from?
Penelope Garcia: Sarah was on her way to her theater group rehearsal, and Jill was abducted form her apartment. The unsub broke in through a window.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Well, clearly he's hunting a specific type.
Derek Morgan: He left the jewelry untouched.
Aaron Hotchner: Yeah, it's not about robbery.
Penelope Garcia: Both women were sexually assaulted and then they were shot in the heart and left in that... prayer position.
Jennifer Jareau: It's odd.
David Rossi: Maybe it's religious. Looks like they're leaning on a cross.
Derek Morgan: Their hands are titled forward.
Dr. Spencer Reid: He could have made them supplicate and their hands clenched in rigor mortis.
Jennifer Jareau: So they're possibly trying to atone for their sins.
Alex Blake: I doubt that. Both women have pretty clean backgrounds.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Since the posing was done postmortem, maybe it's representation of the way in which he made them beg for their lives.
David Rossi: We've definitely seen that before.
Aaron Hotchner: Hmm. He's getting off on the power. Let's head to Arizona. Wheels up in thirty.

Penelope Garcia: [Hotch has called the team back into the office] You must be peeved.
Alex Blake: I get to Dulles, make it through security, about to board the plane to Boston and bam, I get the call.
Penelope Garcia: I say we all demand a vacation.
Dr. Spencer Reid: From who, the guy that works three jobs? Good luck with that.


"Criminal Minds: The Gathering (#8.17)" (2013)
Coffee Shop Staff: Medium latte, light foam, extra soy.
Penelope Garcia: That's you.
Sam: Good memory.
Penelope Garcia: Listen, we should catch up.
Sam: We should.
Penelope Garcia: Perfect.
Sam: Nice to meet you, Kenneth.
Kevin Lynch: Kevin.
[Sam walks away]
Kevin Lynch: Did you know that soy milk contains high levels of phytoestrogen, which mimics the functions of estrogen inside humans? I'm just saying he's gonna have moobs.
Penelope Garcia: What are moobs?
Kevin Lynch: Man boobs.

Derek Morgan: Any witnesses?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, sort of. Nicole was last seen at the restaurant with her boyfriend, John Butler. They had some sort of icky spat
David Rossi: Then he's on the short list!
Penelope Garcia: No, he isn't. He actually has a solid alibi, uh... liquid. He was drinking at the bar all night

Penelope Garcia: Oh, Laurel! She had a blog that make "Fifty Shades of Grey" read like a children's book!

Kevin Lynch: It's just... well, I never knew you were taking ukulele lessons
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, it's number 32 on my "I don't want to call it a bucket list"-bucket list


"Criminal Minds: In Name and Blood (#3.2)" (2007)
Penelope Garcia: [answering call, unaware she's talking to Hotchner's boss] Talk dirty to me.

Derek Morgan: Garcia, baby girl, please tell me something I wanna hear.
Penelope Garcia: You're a statuesque god of sculpted chocolate thunder.
Derek Morgan: How about something I don't already know.
Penelope Garcia: I have a sweet tooth?

Penelope Garcia: Is it appropriate to ask whether I can talk you out of it?
Aaron Hotchner: I heard you got a bigger office
Penelope Garcia: A swanky new map and everything.
[puts dossier on desk]
Penelope Garcia: It's the Milwaukee file. JJ wanted me to give it to you
Aaron Hotchner: I am not working it
Penelope Garcia: I am just following orders

Penelope Garcia: [Erin Strauss calls her] Talk dirty to me!
Erin Strauss: This is section Chief Erin Strauss!
Penelope Garcia: Ma'am, I think it goes without saying that I expected to be someone else!


"Criminal Minds: Blood Hungry (#1.11)" (2005)
Penelope Garcia: It seems like Eddie's entire college experience was some sort of post-addolescent rebellion... He partied like an '80s clubber. He suffered a delusional break due to meth amphetamine and rock cocaine consumption.
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: Wow, that is partying like an '80s clubber.

Jason Gideon: He's taking the blood and organs from the bodies and putting them in cylindrical containers. It's anthropophagy.
Penelope Garcia: Anthro what what?
Jason Gideon: You don't want to know. Give me that.
Penelope Garcia: I'm a big girl, I can take it.
Jason Gideon: Literal Greek translation is "man eating". Guy's a cannibal.

Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: [video chatting with Garcia] How is it having Gideon around?
Penelope Garcia: Uh, you can have him back whenever you would like.

Penelope Garcia: [to Gideon] Eh, I know, eh, that this space is like a small, dark hole, but it is my office and I like to keep it sort of cleanish. Why are you doing it again?


"Criminal Minds: House on Fire (#4.19)" (2009)
[last lines]
Penelope Garcia: You guys choose this. Turning people over like rocks and looking at all their creepy-crawly things underneath. And I get it. I do. It's the only way to catch them. But... I want to see the good in people. I choose to see the good in people. And... getting into someone's mind and trying to find the God-awful thing that happened to them that made them do the God-awful thing to somebody else has seriously impaired my ability to giggle, and it makes my brain all wonky, and I don't like it.
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia.
Penelope Garcia: Yes, sir?
Aaron Hotchner: I just wanted to thank you for your excellent work on this case. And I understand that what you did was, for you, very difficult. But your contributions are essential to the success of this team.
Penelope Garcia: Thank you, sir.
Aaron Hotchner: I know you see the good in people, Penelope. Always. And I would never want you to change that.

Dr. Spencer Reid: Based on the limited population of Royal, the unsub is most likely a local male, between the ages of 17 and 30
Penelope Garcia: What, arson is a sexist industry?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Ah, for the most part, yeah. Only 12% of arsonists are female
Emily Prentiss: Apparently women just aren't inclined to burn things

Penelope Garcia: I will look at everything from firebug to flamethrower

Aaron Hotchner: You're gonna have to start weeding out some of these Garcia. Third cousins and religious affiliations are probably not gonna help us. I need to know who had enemies? Who had secrets? Who was a target?
Penelope Garcia: [sighs] With all due respect sir, my... my brain muscles are comfortable with being intuitive with information, not people. Looking at people like that is not part of my job description. I'm not a profiler
Aaron Hotchner: Well, you're gonna have to be. We don't have much time


"Criminal Minds: Hashtag (#10.7)" (2014)
Penelope Garcia: She has over 200,000 followers
David Rossi: Isn't that a lot for a 16-year old?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, massive, she was on her way to the iCelebrity status

Penelope Garcia: I will grab a shovel and I will start digging!

Derek Morgan: [On the phone to Savanna] ... make it tonight... I know... Okay... Hey, I love you
[hangs up; turns chair towards Garcia]
Derek Morgan: What?
Penelope Garcia: You owe that woman something spectacular when this is all over
Derek Morgan: Ah Penelope, look that was the plan! I swear. Work, it always seem to get in the way
Penelope Garcia: Uh, I don't buy it. I know you
Derek Morgan: There's got to be some kind of balance
Penelope Garcia: You both save lives for a living! If anybody understands our crazy hours it's her!
Derek Morgan: Okay Oprah, what do I do?
Penelope Garcia: Stop making big plans. Commit to something you can actually make happen! It is the littlest gestures that go the longest ways. Trust me. When I am grumpy Sam does this Dalek impersonation, he stretches his arms out like a Cyberman, which makes no sense, but it delights me. My point is, do something to delight her. Okay, I'm done.

Penelope Garcia: [about Tara's selfies] She knew where to tow the line between right and raunchy.


"Criminal Minds: Unknown Subject (#7.12)" (2012)
Aaron Hotchner: Go ahead, Garcia.
Penelope Garcia: Sir, I have struck out on surgeons. In fact, none of the survivors saw the same two healthcare professionals or went to the same hospitals. But then, I asked myself, "What would SSA Hotchner do?" And I imagined myself in a really good suit, and I widened my search.
Aaron Hotchner: What did you find out?
Penelope Garcia: I found an orderly whose name is Herman Scobie, who rotates shifts at three different hospitals.
Aaron Hotchner: The same hospitals the victims go to?
Penelope Garcia: Yes, indeed, they are. And according to the hospital networks, accessed their insurance months after the attacks.
Emily Prentiss: That's how he finds the victims a second time.
Aaron Hotchner: We should talk to him.

Penelope Garcia: Brittany Anderson filed a report after she woke up outside she was abducted from. And Vanessa Campbell was just reported missing
Dr. Spencer Reid: Wait, those were victims 2 and 5, weren't they?
Penelope Garcia: Yes. He's going back and attacking survivors a second time

Emily Prentiss: What is this on the floor?
Penelope Garcia: Uh, that. Oh, god. That is... the contents of Vanessa Campbell's stomach, which she... ralphed up.
Emily Prentiss: And in the glass?
Penelope Garcia: According to the police report, it is salt and water.
Emily Prentiss: Homemade emetic.
Penelope Garcia: E-what-what?
David Rossi: Quick and dirty cocktail, meant to induce vomiting.
Emily Prentiss: Vanessa Campbell and her husband moved to a new address, they put locks on the doors, they took precautions. She even knew what to do if she was dosed again, and it still wasn't enough. That's what he gets out of it.
Aaron Hotchner: Their fear. He wants them to know that no matter what, he can still get to them.

Jennifer Jareau: They wake up with no memory of the assault or how they got the permanent scar the wire leaves.
Emily Prentiss: So he's branding his victims. How does he dose them?
Penelope Garcia: Houston PD still isn't sure. 'Cause, you know, date rape drugs metabolize quickly, and he's keeping them for twelve hours.
Derek Morgan: So why are they calling us in now?
Penelope Garcia: 'Cause with these most recent attacks, this piece of work has elevated sick and twisted to a whole new dimension.


"Criminal Minds: The Company (#7.20)" (2012)
Penelope Garcia: Okay, out with it. Where's your head at presently?
Derek Morgan: Honestly, I'm trying to figure out why I'm not back at that police station trying to break this son of a bitch.
Penelope Garcia: Oh!
Derek Morgan: What are you doing? What was that for?
Penelope Garcia: For thinking that this is about you.
Derek Morgan: Penelope, it is about me. He called me out by name.
Penelope Garcia: [shouts] Oh!
Derek Morgan: Will you stop doing that?
Penelope Garcia: Seriously? Derek, seriously, in... You know, in the entire time I have known you, you are like the glistening hero in the movie of life. And now, just because some guy, some ass-hat guy decides to call you out by name, you think you have the right to get all weird and decide "this time it's personal"? Really? Derek, did you ever stop to think that said ass-hat is exhibiting this behavior just to get under your skin?
Derek Morgan: As a matter of fact, I have.
Penelope Garcia: Okay, you know, well, a real hero would roll with that instead of tripping over his gigantic ego. And as a wise black man once told me, "Baby girl, you be trippin'." So, I tell you what, why don't you call me back once you've gotten off the self-absorption train and decide to be a real hero. The kind that Cindi is waiting for. I am hanging up on you.

[last lines]
Penelope Garcia: There's my hero.

Penelope Garcia: [On the phone] Bad, huh?
Derek Morgan: Yeah, yeah, it's pretty bad! Penelope, can you just talk me?
Penelope Garcia: Uh huh, yeah, what about?
Derek Morgan: I don't care, just... just talk
Penelope Garcia: Okay, uhm...
[nervous laugh]
Penelope Garcia: uhm...
Derek Morgan: What?
Penelope Garcia: I... God, this is the first time in my life I don't have anything to say, except that I'm... I'm here for you. Okay, Derek, I'm right here!
Derek Morgan: Yeah, I know you are

Derek Morgan: Hey.
Penelope Garcia: Hey. Um... I... I sent you the case file Chicago PD sent me.
Derek Morgan: I got 'em.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. So there's that. Bad, huh?
Derek Morgan: [soft laugh] Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty bad. Penelope, can you just talk to me?
Penelope Garcia: Uh-huh. Yeah, what about?
Derek Morgan: I don't care. Just... just talk.


"Criminal Minds: The Big Wheel (#4.22)" (2009)
Penelope Garcia: [about a serial killer] He sure likes his blondes. Not a good date, though - too stabby.

Emily Prentiss: [in the investigation room; looking at Reid] What's missing from the Michelle Watson murder is any sign of rage or overkill.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Yeah, instead on the tape we see signs of remorse. A complete and sudden emotional change. It's absolutely fascinating.
Penelope Garcia: [walking over to Prentiss, looking at Reid] I love you, Reid, but the stuff you find fascinating is sad.

Penelope Garcia: The video on this film is analog. It's since been digitized, but it is seriously degraded.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Meaning what?
Penelope Garcia: Meaning this kind of degradation only happens over at least a decade and thousands of repeating viewings.
David Rossi: It's the only way he can get any release.
Det. Lynne Henderson: Then you're right, he's been doing this for ten years.
Penelope Garcia: Uh... more like twenty. That woman in this video, she's wearing a sweater I haven't seen since "Flashdance".

Aaron Hotchner: Also put together a go-bag. If we get any more of these films, I want you on the ground taking point. Is that ok with you?
Penelope Garcia: Yes, sir! Excellent, ok
[turns around and walks out of the room, talks to herself]
Penelope Garcia: Go-bag. I don't have a go-bag!


"Criminal Minds: 200 (#9.14)" (2014)
Dr. Spencer Reid: Most of the files are kept on hard copy, to prevent digital espionage
Penelope Garcia: Okay, good thing one of us reads 20,000 words per minute. Time to get my spy face on!

Penelope Garcia: Now we're talking! Wow...
Dr. Spencer Reid: What'd you find?
Penelope Garcia: A ghost file in a ghost folder on a ghost server that nobody wants me to know about!

Penelope Garcia: Oh, God, JJ sent that alert 30 minutes ago. They must have looped the system. That's why I couldn't read any hard-lines.
Aaron Hotchner: Which of the servers sent the message?
Security Guard: [coming to Garcia and Kevin] Hands where we can see them.
Kevin Lynch: What? Wow, wow. Wow.
Penelope Garcia: Utherlay oadchurchbray... Utherlay oadchurchbray.
Alex Blake: You don't need to be a linguist to recognize pig Latin.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Luther and Broad Church is the location of Cramer Industries. It's a research and development company.

[last lines]
Aaron Hotchner: Emily, how much longer do we have you?
Emily Prentiss: Um, six hours.
Penelope Garcia: It's too soon.
David Rossi: It's more than we had yesterday.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah.
Alex Blake: I'm just glad I finally got to meet you. I've heard such amazing things.
Emily Prentiss: All lies.
Jennifer Jareau: No. No more lies. Nothing but the truth from now on.
Detective William LaMontagne Jr.: Yeah?


"Criminal Minds: Mr. & Mrs. Anderson (#9.15)" (2014)
Penelope Garcia: [close quote] "Each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you" - Michael Murdock

Penelope Garcia: Okay, Valentines day: I planned everything, from dinner to desert and by desert I mean me. I texted him and tell about. He wrote back: "sounds great", octopus emoticon.
Derek Morgan: I'm not quite sure I know what that means, but I guess it is kinda sweet? What's wrong with that?
Penelope Garcia: Not you too!
Derek Morgan: Okay, Baby Girl. Did you tell him about this?
Penelope Garcia: Did I tell him? I wanted him to take charge! Not really, not at all
Derek Morgan: Okay, let me get you on a secret: guys, we don't do well on subtle clues, okay? You got to be direct, straight up. Just tell him exactly what you want!
Penelope Garcia: [sigh] I learn something from you every day!

Penelope Garcia: I am so sorry. I totally could have made that recipe without cilantro.
Sam: It's my fault. I should have disclosed my food allergies.
Penelope Garcia: But I could have asked.
Sam: Take a breath. The swelling's gone down.
Penelope Garcia: Now, what are we gonna do for our first Valentine's?
Sam: Whatever you want to do.
Penelope Garcia: I don't want it to always be up to me.
Sam: I thought you liked planning things.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. But if I'm always the one planning things, then I'm always the one planning things.
Sam: You're right. So, I'm gonna make the executive decision that we are spending our first Valentine's Day at Patty's.
Penelope Garcia: Patty's, the diner?
Sam: Yeah, Patty's the diner. They have the best milkshakes in town. Come on.
Penelope Garcia: I like milkshakes.

Derek Morgan: Come here, come here.
Savannah Hayes: You know, that's why I blame you.
Derek Morgan: What, me?
Savannah Hayes: Yes. One more time turned into two more times, and now there's no way we're getting a table on such short notice.
Derek Morgan: Girl, look at you. Can you blame me? But as long as I'm with you, we can go anywhere you want... Oh, wait a minute. Hello, what are you doing here?
Penelope Garcia: Oh, my God.
Savannah Hayes: Penelope?
Penelope Garcia: Wow, it is so nice to finally meet you.
Savannah Hayes: You, too.
Derek Morgan: Hey, you must be Sam.
Sam: Sam I am. I've heard a lot about you.
Derek Morgan: Oh, not guilty. Not guilty.
Penelope Garcia: Look at you guys. You're literally flawless. You're like the live-action Ken and Barbie.
Sam: So where are you guys headed?
Derek Morgan: Well, we actually had a change of plans.
Sam: Same here.
Penelope Garcia: Is what's happening right now what I think is happening right now?
Savannah Hayes: Why, I believe so.
Penelope Garcia: This is our first double date.
Sam: In that case, after you.
Savannah Hayes: All right.
Derek Morgan: And after you, sir.


"Criminal Minds: Reflection of Desire (#6.8)" (2010)
Penelope Garcia: [voiceover] I believe humanity was born from conflict. Maybe that's why in all of us lives a dark side. Some of us choose to embrace it. Some have no choice. The rest of us fight it. But in the end, it's as natural as the air we breathe. At some point, all of us are forced to face the truth. Ourselves. For me, that day has come. I was 18 when I faced a man who chose to embrace his dark side, and by doing so, he took my humanity. Every day since I have put on a mask to hide what now suffocates me. The truth. And nothing speaks louder than the truth.

Penelope Garcia: Fame will go by, and so long, I've had you fame. If it goes by, I've always known it was fickle, so at least it's something I've experienced but that's not where I live -Marilyn Monroe

Derek Morgan: [learning Garcia acts in her spare time] When did you plan on telling me?
Penelope Garcia: Oh, I wasn't gonna tell you. We all have things for ourselves. You know, you have property, I have the theater.
Derek Morgan: Well, can you at least tell me what it's about?
Penelope Garcia: Mm-hmm. It's about a woman who's attacked by a serial killer, but she catches him, and she knocks him out, and she keeps him for days.
Derek Morgan: Garcia, of all the plays in the world, you choose something like that?
Penelope Garcia: I get to vent.

Aaron Hotchner: I sent Morgan and Prentiss.
David Rossi: Only one victim?
Aaron Hotchner: It's what he did to her that concerns me. Morgan sent these, also late last night. He and Prentiss are waiting in the district.
Dr. Spencer Reid: The body seems posed. Left arm raised. Oh, that's first. I see your concern.
Penelope Garcia: What?
Dr. Spencer Reid: A photo wasn't all he took.
Penelope Garcia: Reid, what?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Her lips have been removed.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, my God.
David Rossi: Maybe a trophy.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Maybe he ate them?
Penelope Garcia: Okay, now I have that memory burned in my mind for the rest of my life.
Dr. Spencer Reid: You asked.


"Criminal Minds: Risky Business (#5.13)" (2010)
Emily Prentiss: [glancing at the completed star puzzle] There's a lot to hate about you, Dr. Reid.
David Rossi: Play poker with him sometime.
Derek Morgan: Try playing chess with him.
Penelope Garcia: Or Go.

Penelope Garcia: Sir, it's not that I'm not glad to be coming with you, because I am. I just don't understand the why.
Aaron Hotchner: One of the aspects of an equivocal death investigation when suicide is a probability is an indirect personality assessment. Our victims are all Internet generation kids. There should be invaluable personal data on their computers to mine for the evaluation.
Derek Morgan: If they committed suicide, evidence of it will probably be in their cyber world.
Penelope Garcia: So I'm gonna snoop through dead kids' computers?
David Rossi: This plane seldom makes pleasure trips.

Emily Prentiss: Hey, you're ready to delve into Trish Leake's online world?
Penelope Garcia: By ready, you mean extremely capable and even more reluctant

Penelope Garcia: Well, that's weird!
Aaron Hotchner: What?
Penelope Garcia: There's nothing here
David Rossi: Nothing useful?
Penelope Garcia: Nothing at all. Look, there's no root directory, there's no operating system, the registry appears to be blank
Emily Prentiss: But why would she have an empty computer set up?
Penelope Garcia: I did not say empty, I said appears to be blank
Aaron Hotchner: Meaning?
Penelope Garcia: That I'm gonna need a little while


"Criminal Minds: X (#10.1)" (2014)
Derek Morgan: Well, how did you do last night?
Penelope Garcia: Three hours, again
Derek Morgan: Baby girl, you can't function on three hours of sleep. Trust me, I've tried
Penelope Garcia: I know, but it's better than the nightmares
Derek Morgan: There's got to be something you can do
Penelope Garcia: I've tried everything. Trust me
Derek Morgan: Have you tried not drinking coffee?
Penelope Garcia: This is tea! It's herbal! No caffeine! What else you've got?
[Derek starts gesture]
Penelope Garcia: Better be a good answer!
[Derek stops]
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, that's what I thought!

Penelope Garcia: You'd think after 10 years I'd seen them all
Derek Morgan: How many sites are there, Mama?
Penelope Garcia: Hundreds and that gem of fellow you've got in custody has looked at all of them at one time or another

Penelope Garcia: I need baby kitten pics asap!
Kate Callahan: Oh, have you seen that hippo who lives with the family?
Penelope Garcia: What?
Kate Callahan: Sleeps with a blanket, gets massages, eats better than I do
Penelope Garcia: Where is that?
Kate Callahan: South Africa, it's amazing
Penelope Garcia: Trust me, I have an arsenal of cuteness. Have you seen the one with the baby elephant?
Kate Callahan: Oh, with the baby chicks? Yes! I love that one!
Dr. Spencer Reid: Eh, hey, guys?
Kate Callahan: Sorry
Penelope Garcia: Sorry

Aaron Hotchner: And where is he?
Penelope Garcia: Probably on his way to hell in a hand basket, sir


"Criminal Minds: Proof (#7.2)" (2011)
Penelope Garcia: Okay, you can be honest. I can take it.
David Rossi: Okay, I prefer my pasta al dente, and the pancetta was a little weird.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, that's 'cause it's tofu.
David Rossi: Tofu? I give you my recipe and you do an improv?
Penelope Garcia: No, no. I followed it down to the micron, aside from the pig. Look, master of all things Italian, I am having a Fellini festival at my house this weekend, and I must serve the beautiful food of his country.
David Rossi: Maybe you should show a Disney film and stick with burgers.
Derek Morgan: You know, Rossi, you could always give Penelope a cooking lesson.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, my gosh, that would be amazing. That would be like... That would be like the Iron Chef meets the BAU. And we could do it at your house.
David Rossi: I don't have a house, I have a mansion.
Aaron Hotchner: All right. Let's get started.

[last lines]
David Rossi: Cooking is the most sensual art form. And these are my paints.
Penelope Garcia: So your hands must be brushes.
David Rossi: Don't interrupt. In a pot of boiling water, we cook our spaghetti until it's al dente, firm to the tooth. Here you go. Everybody pass it around. See? Feel the texture. There we go. Okay. Now, in a large pan, we fry up our pancetta. Keeping a sharp eye that the edges are crisp.
Aaron Hotchner: But careful not to burn the onions.
David Rossi: Bravo, Aaron! We sauté until translucence.
Derek Morgan: [hearing ding-dong] I got it.
David Rossi: Grazie mille!
[seeing JJ raises the glass to her lips, puts up a hand to stop her]
David Rossi: Oh! Now, we mix in the eggs, the parmesan, the spaghetti and parsley. You see, it's all about timing and rhythm. And if you don't feel yourself doing it properly, please, order a pizza.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Sorry, I'm late.
David Rossi: Yeah. And this is why I cook alone.
Emily Prentiss: So, when do we get to drink the wine?
David Rossi: Almost there. Okay. We start at the beginning. You eat what you cook, I'll supervise, but we're gonna do this all together, just like a family.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [holding the glass] Okay now?
David Rossi: Now. Salud!
Penelope Garcia, Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, Dr. Spencer Reid, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Salud!

Aaron Hotchner: All right; let's get started.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Oh.
[Realizes the cases are not hers and proudly hands the information over to a thankful Garcia]
Penelope Garcia: Alright, Mes Amis.
[stands to present]
Penelope Garcia: You are jetting to Durant, Oklahoma, because, in the last three days, two women have been found dead after being sexually tortured and then blinded with a sulfuric acid solution. Abby Elcott is our first victim; 19-year-old art student; she was heading to campus for an advanced drawing class. She'd been missing for two days. Same goes for our second victim, Beth Westerly, 17.
[draws a breath]
Penelope Garcia: She had just finished her coffee shop shift and was on her way to a bar method class.
Emily Prentiss: Both low-risk victims.
Derek Morgan: And physically similar.
David Rossi: How close are the two abduction sites?
Penelope Garcia: [looking down at information] 5 miles apart at bus stops. Abby's cell was found near one. Beth's scarf near the other.
[map illustrates her words]
Dr. Spencer Reid: Where're the dump sites?
Penelope Garcia: One in an alley, the other in a field.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: So he stapled their eyes open, then he blinded them.
[Spencer's reaction to JJ is seen and she notices it]
Derek Morgan: It's about power and control; maybe he didn't want them to watch while he hurt 'em.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Or it could be about shame; perhaps the unsub is disfigured himself. Blinding the victims leaves them helpless, lost, totally dependent; it may be a manifestation of how he sees himself in this world.
Emily Prentiss: It is a form of enucleation, just without the scalpel.
David Rossi: His face is the last they see before darkness.
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, come up with a list of jobs that would give the unsub access to sulfuric acid. The rest of us, wheels up in 30 minutes.
[arises from seat]

Dr. Spencer Reid: [voiceover as plane flies] If it is a miracle, any sort of evidence will answer. But if it is a fact, proof is necessary. Mark Twain.
Aaron Hotchner: Victimology is very similar. Blonde-haired, blue-eyed teenage girls.
[looks at photos]
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: We believe they were each abducted near public transportation stops.
Emily Prentiss: [holds up photo] When was this photo taken?
Derek Morgan: Beth was caught on a bank surveillance camera 3 hours before she disappeared; that's a recent photo of Abby.
Emily Prentiss: So, she wasn't found in the same clothes she was abducted in.
David Rossi: Maybe he changed them because hers were burned by the sulfuric acid.
Dr. Spencer Reid: It's possible. Sulfuric acid can turn human flesh into soap.
[JJ's face as Reid is talking is shown as affected due to their conflict]
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, any recent similar cases in the surrounding area?
Penelope Garcia: [on laptop] Actually, yes. Two months ago, a prostitute and a runaway were both found raped and killed and they had stab wounds to their eyes.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: So maybe he practiced on high-risk victims first.
Derek Morgan: And then advanced to chemical enucleation.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Isn't that a rare paraphilia?
Emily Prentiss: Well, the chemical part is. It would exacerbate the pain.
David Rossi: Like Ed Kemper, he's probably practicing on surrogates, before going after the real object of his rage.
Aaron Hotchner: Dave, you and I will talk to the parents. Morgan and Prentiss, go to the disposal sites. JJ, you and Reid to the abduction sites.
[JJ and Reid's faces reflect their feelings about the orders]


"Criminal Minds: Blood Relations (#9.20)" (2014)
Derek Morgan: Is that barbed wire?
Penelope Garcia: Indeed it is, arranged to fit like a noose.
Derek Morgan: How do you wrap that into a noose?
Penelope Garcia: I guess it's the same way that porcupines make love. Very carefully.

Penelope Garcia: Get your barf bags ready, my creatures, because these pictures are even more not pretty than usual!

Penelope Garcia: Now, going backwards there is nothing particular compelling about either of their graves, but holy cow everything before it is! So, so gather around the campfire my friends because this one is quite the story!

Penelope Garcia: Guys, I'm a little worried I wasted my time being an expert in my field, because this biofuel thing has a massive payout!


"Criminal Minds: Valhalla (#6.17)" (2011)
Penelope Garcia: The Helmsman's Wife. I just finished it. It's so sad.
Jeff Hastings: I just started it.
Penelope Garcia: Oh! Sorry. It's a great read to that bit. The end, the sad bit, with the wife. Super tragic. You know?
Jeff Hastings: I do now.
Penelope Garcia: You're Jeff, right?
Jeff Hastings: You are...
Penelope Garcia: Penelope Garcia. Nice to see you.
Jeff Hastings: I'm sorry. I don't think we've met.
Penelope Garcia: We haven't. I'm with the FBI.
Jeff Hastings: Good for you.
Penelope Garcia: Why did you pull that story?
Jeff Hastings: You should know.
Penelope Garcia: The FBI didn't tell you to pull it, did they?
Jeff Hastings: No, no, no, I'm not saying jack to you. You already ruined one ending for me.
Penelope Garcia: Listen, two families died in those fires. You were suspicious, and you were right to be.
Jeff Hastings: You don't look like an agent to me.
Penelope Garcia: I'm a hired nerd for the Behavioral Analysis Unit.
Jeff Hastings: You think it's a serial killer?
Penelope Garcia: I think that theory should be at the beginning part of your story.
Jeff Hastings: There's no story. Not the one that I want to tell.
Penelope Garcia: Okay, maybe not now, but when whoever is telling you to pull it is no longer a threat, with the right source it could be front page. It could be the next Watergate. It could lead to a book. Your book.
Jeff Hastings: The threat being to the shareholders.

Penelope Garcia: Are you okay?
Emily Prentiss: Yeah, I'm good.
Penelope Garcia: I'm not a profiler, but you...
Emily Prentiss: Don't start... I'm sorry. I'm gonna be all right.
Penelope Garcia: Okay. I'm just really worried about you. The flu is going around. Are you pregs?
Emily Prentiss: [smiles weakly] No. No, I'm just... I'm not sleeping. I'm having this nightmare. It's a recurring nightmare. There's a hill, and there's a little girl on top of the hill. She's like six years old, dark hair. And she's just dancing in the sun. But somehow I know that she's waiting for me, so I start to walk up the hill... But the hill gets steeper and steeper, and by the time I climb to the top, the little girl's gone. And I look everywhere for her, and when I can't find her, I start to panic. And I panic because I know what's waiting out there for her. I know what the world can do to a girl who only sees beauty in it. Like you. Somehow you... You always make me smile. And I don't think I've ever thanked you for that.
Ashley Seaver: [comes in the restroom] Hotch needs you in the SCIF.
Emily Prentiss: Okay.

David Rossi: Good guys and bad keep files close to them.
Penelope Garcia: What are in these files?
David Rossi: It's intel. Insurance. Protection. For times like this.

Penelope Garcia: Here's the million-dollar question... Anyone know what language that is?
Emily Prentiss: Those are villages in North Korea.
Penelope Garcia: I love you. Of course she does. There's a political prison near Haengyong ni. Camp 22. Kwanliso. North Korea denies it exists.
Emily Prentiss: You think they took Doyle there?
Penelope Garcia: That would explain why he's after them. Even his prison is off the grid.
Ashley Seaver: All we know is that he was never married, had multiple residences, and was arrested at his Tuscan villa.


"Criminal Minds: The Performer (#5.7)" (2009)
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [JJ and Reid are on the phone with Garcia. Reid is working at a glass evidence board. JJ sists in a chair] Penelope?
Penelope Garcia: Are we in yet?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: All yours.
Penelope Garcia: [sighs] I always feel skeevy going through someone's life like this.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Okay, so everything looks like it's password protected so you might not even be able to... you're in already, aren't you?
Penelope Garcia: Password was "Cullen."
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Of course.
Dr. Spencer Reid: [looks over] "*Colon?*"
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: *Cullen.* The vampire family from Twilight.
Dr. Spencer Reid: What's Twilight?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Do you ever read anything other than technical books.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Mm. Not much in English.
[looks back to his work]
Penelope Garcia: Okay I'll see what I can dredge. My love is strong.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Okay. Thanks.
[hangs up]
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: How's the profile coming?
Dr. Spencer Reid: I don't know. I never really feel ready, you know?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: You'll be fine. I'm gonna go to talk to Tara's BFF before the media requests come in and it gets too crazy.
Dr. Spencer Reid: What's a BFF?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [sighs] Best friend forever.

Jennifer "JJ" Jareau: You're in already, aren't you?
Garcia: Password was "Cullen".
Jennifer "JJ" Jareau: Of course.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Colon?
Jennifer "JJ" Jareau: *Cullen.* The vampire family from Twilight.
Dr. Spencer Reid: What's Twilight?

Derek Morgan: Garcia, all these people drink blood?
Penelope Garcia: Au contraire. They mostly just dress up like Prentiss did in high school and they make believe. It's all kinds of delicious
Dr. Spencer Reid: It's not the same thing at all. As a matter of fact, I... I... we should refer to this unsub as vampirist, not a vampire. And they would be attracted to the subculture merely for it's professed worship of blood

Derek Morgan: Okay, we need to talk to this Dante guy
Emily Prentiss: Garcia, can you get us an address?
Lt. Detective Owen Kim: Eh, that's gonna take a little while. These celebrities are protected by layers of privacy. It's like finding information on a deeply...
Penelope Garcia: 22423 Greenvale Circle, Holmby Hills. GPS coordinates are uploading to you now. And his name is Paul Davies, by the way
Emily Prentiss: Run him for a criminal record too
Penelope Garcia: You got it
Emily Prentiss: Thanks, PG.
Lt. Detective Owen Kim: I'd hate to think what she could find out about me
Emily Prentiss: Oh, I prefer not even to consider it!


"Criminal Minds: Snake Eyes (#7.13)" (2012)
Penelope Garcia: [picks up a phone] If this is a sales call on a Sunday morning...
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Settle. It's me, JJ. I tried your cell. Listen, something's come up. You need to get down to the office pronto.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, you are kidding.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: I know. I wish psychopathic killers would be a little more respectful of our weekends, too. But what are you gonna do? Is everything okay?
Penelope Garcia: No. Kevin and I got in a fight last night, and to self-soothe, I drank a lot of wine. And, JJ, you know I can't drink wine. Why did I drink so much wine?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: You'll be fine.
Penelope Garcia: No, I don't know. 'Cause right now, everything is blurring. Oh, my God. My hair hurts. How is that possible? He's coming out of the shower. I hate confrontation. It was such a fight. I hate confrontation.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Then don't confront. Just kiss, make up, and get your butt over here.
Penelope Garcia: [ding-dong] What is this, Grand Central Station?
[knock, knock]
Penelope Garcia: Oh, God.
[opens the door]
Penelope Garcia: Kevin.
Kevin Lynch: I am so sorry about last night. I should not have stormed out like that.
Penelope Garcia: You stormed out?
Kevin Lynch: Yeah.
Penelope Garcia: You stormed out all last night?
Kevin Lynch: Yeah. What's...
[Garcia closes the door and finds Morgan]
Derek Morgan: Hey. You see we gotta go in, right?
Penelope Garcia: Yes. Yes. JJ just called me, too. Let's go. My things. This is mine and this is mine and this is yours. This is mine. See you there.
[opens the door, to Kevin]
Penelope Garcia: Hey, let's go.

[last lines]
Derek Morgan: Hi, Miss thing. Enough is enough. It's time for you and me to have a little sit-down. What's going on with you? Half the time I call, I get your voicemail. When I do get you, I don't get even a little bit of sass coming my way. Now, what's the deal? Hello!
Penelope Garcia: Okay. Look. I get it that men and women are different and Venus and Mars and all that stuff, but I do not understand how you...
Derek Morgan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, pump your brakes. What is this about?
Penelope Garcia: You were in my shower at 7:00 in the morning.
Derek Morgan: Because I shower at 7:00 in the morning. Baby, you had a little too much to drink the other night. You called me to come over and keep you company.
Penelope Garcia: I know. I remember that, but...
Derek Morgan: Okay, what happened between us was popcorn. And a movie on TV. Which you fell asleep in the middle of, by the way.
Penelope Garcia: So, you slept on the...
Derek Morgan: Couch.
Penelope Garcia: Yes, you did. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you, God, for maintaining the integrity of my most beloved of friendships, and from now on, I promise only mostly the purest of mineral water will cross these lips.
Kevin Lynch: [comes in] Hey, plum sauce, are you coming?
Penelope Garcia: Yes. I'll be right there.
Kevin Lynch: Hey, Derek.
Derek Morgan: Hey, what's up, man?
Penelope Garcia: Since the fight, we have decided to have a standing date every Tuesday night.
Derek Morgan: Good luck with that with this job. You got a great guy out there. You know that, right?
Penelope Garcia: I know. What does a girl do when she has two great guys?
Derek Morgan: She doesn't pour that extra glass of wine.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. Okay, love you, bye.
Derek Morgan: Plum sauce?

Penelope Garcia: [Rushes in late] Sorry, sorry
[meeting goes on]
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [Whispers] How's the head?
Penelope Garcia: [Whispers back] Not all the aspirins in all the pharmacies...

Penelope Garcia: And that's why we were able to get a match on his prints so fast
Derek Morgan: You've always been fast, baby girl
Penelope Garcia: [Freezes] Eh, yeah. Got to go!
[hangs up]


"Criminal Minds: Haunted (#5.2)" (2009)
Dr. Spencer Reid: [after Garcia helps him sit down] Thanks.
Penelope Garcia: Does it hurt?
Dr. Spencer Reid: It really only hurts when I think about it which is pretty much all the time.
[starts to snoop in the cookie tin next to him]
Penelope Garcia: No, no, no. Get away you.
[takes the lid]
Dr. Spencer Reid: What?
Penelope Garcia: These are for Hotch.
Dr. Spencer Reid: I get *shot* in the leg and I don't get any cookies? You know he's gonna hate the attention.
Penelope Garcia: [puts the lid back on] It's cookies, not cake.

Penelope Garcia: [of Hotch] Do you think he's ok?
Dr. Spencer Reid: I wouldn't be, but I'm a blinker.

Penelope Garcia: My least 3 favorite words strung together: I don't know

Penelope Garcia: And it looks like he tried them all. I've got a list. Alphabetically: alprazolam, clonazepam, diazepam...
Aaron Hotchner: Just send it
Penelope Garcia: Yes, sir


"Criminal Minds: The Storm (#11.22)" (2016)
Penelope Garcia: If we're talking about vacations, guess where I'm going.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Hmm. To visit Emily?
Penelope Garcia: Yes. How did you know that?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Because nothing else would make you this excited.

Dr. Spencer Reid: Where's Hotch being held?
David Rossi: I don't know yet. I have calls out.
Dr. Tara Lewis: Metro SWAT took him in?
David Rossi: Yeah, but it has to be bigger than that.
Dr. Spencer Reid: JJ's on her way here right now. She couldn't explain everything on the phone because she's with the kids.
Penelope Garcia: Okay, maybe Hotch was SWATted. That's an extreme prank that gamers pull on their opponents, where they fake a 911 on them. It's recently escalated among celebrities.
David Rossi: If it was a prank, they wouldn't have arrested him.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Unless they didn't know. If someone called 911 and said that Hotch is a threat, SWAT has to respond. Which means somewhere, there's a record of that call.

[last lines]
Dr. Tara Lewis: What is it now?
Aaron Hotchner: Three more prison breaks in three different states, all organized by Rawdon's partners from his last bombing attempt.
Penelope Garcia: The local field office got a head start because of what we did. They stopped the bomb threat, but...
David Rossi: Who didn't they catch?
Aaron Hotchner: All have serial killer wings just like VA Max.
Dr. Tara Lewis: Let me guess; they were released first to cause maximum chaos and occupy law enforcement.
Penelope Garcia: A lot of them were killed or recaptured, but not all of them.
Jennifer Jareau: How many got away?
Penelope Garcia: As of right now, thirteen serial killers, one of which is Peter Lewis.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Mr. Scratch. That's why he testified against you. He was part of their plan all along.
Aaron Hotchner: So we have to catch him again, along with twelve other murderers.

Dr. Spencer Reid: [after hearing the 911 call recording] It's subtle but it inflections changes. It sounds like the words are spliced together
Jennifer Jareau: Let's look up all BAU press conferences led by Hotch
Penelope Garcia: Right, maybe this unsub Frankensteined his voice


"Criminal Minds: There's No Place Like Home (#7.7)" (2011)
Penelope Garcia: P.G. at your service, don't let the name fool ya.
Derek Morgan: Baby girl you're on speaker.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Garcia can you look for grave robberies in tornado alley over the last five years?
Penelope Garcia: Okey Dokey, searching.Oh it's a shockingly big list. Who knew grave robbing was so on trend?

Dr. Spencer Reid: All right, try looking for thefts involving body parts, specifically left legs.
Penelope Garcia: Okay. See, this is why I can't talk about how my day was at dinner. Breakfast, lunch.
[sees a search result]
Penelope Garcia: Spencer, you scare me.
David Rossi: Join the club.
Penelope Garcia: A left leg was stolen off a body a year ago at the Riggio Funeral Home in Tulsa. They never found who did it.

Penelope Garcia: So, local PD have IDed your victims. I'm putting this all on your tablets if you'd like to follow along. First up is Jason Meredith, sixteen year old runaway from Garden City, Kansas. Mom said he took off over a year ago. Next up is Eric Janelle. Fifteen year old foster kid from Wichita. He's been gone three weeks. Oh, both of these kids have records, for possession and prostitution.
Emily Prentiss: They were street hustlers.
Aaron Hotchner: High-risk kids. This could be a sexual predator.
Derek Morgan: An extremely violent one, if the unsub is responsible for the damage done to the bodies, especially those missing limbs.
Emily Prentiss: Well, now, he could be keeping the body parts for some sort of fetish.
Penelope Garcia: Ugh! Okay, eww. That is my cue. I'm here if you need me, with my binary machines that don't say gross things.

Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, we just lost our Internet. We need you to guide us into the storm.
Penelope Garcia: Consider me your eyes and ears, sir.


"Criminal Minds: Perennials (#8.11)" (2012)
Penelope Garcia: I can't believe you were shot with...
Derek Morgan: I got shot in my bulletproof vest, baby girl. It's just a couple bruises. I'm okay.
Penelope Garcia: Why don't they make better vests? That's not bulletproof. It's like when you fall in the pool and your watch stops working. That's water-resistant, not waterproof. They should...
Derek Morgan: I'm just fine. See? It's just a couple bruises.
Penelope Garcia: How... how long do you have to... be taped up like this?
Derek Morgan: I don't know. A couple days, maybe.
Penelope Garcia: Oh. Okay.
Derek Morgan: Are you relaxed now?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, I'm relaxed. Hey, if you need someone to help you, you know, put new bindings on, rewrap or wrap, unwrap...
Jennifer Jareau: Hey, you guys... Uh. Well, hey. Hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Alex Blake: Sounds like a convent
Penelope Garcia: You know, it sort of is. Residents have to take the same kinds of vows as nuns: celibacy, poverty, days spend in quiet contemplation. I would not be a good candidate for admission, in other words!

Penelope Garcia: Do you have any idea how many people are born on earth every day?
Dr. Spencer Reid: 358,197 approximately
Penelope Garcia: I did not want an answer to that question!


"Criminal Minds: Drive (#11.12)" (2016)
Penelope Garcia: This case is not for the faint of heart, so if I faint that's why!

Jennifer Jareau: Well, he didn't take their handbags, jewelry or wallets
Penelope Garcia: No, the only thing missing was their cell phones. Well, that and their heads

Penelope Garcia: [Picks up the phone] Garcia is the name, service the game


"Criminal Minds: Tabula Rasa (#3.19)" (2008)
Dr. Spencer Reid: [looking at a piece of paper] It's remarkable. Something like this makes you question everything you thought you knew.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. It's like the Monolith in 2001.
Dr. Spencer Reid: So there was actually a time when something like this was socially acceptable?
Penelope Garcia: Oh... you're young.
[takes the paper from Reid]
Penelope Garcia: The eighties left a lot of people confused.
[a photo of Prentiss from high school is revealed]
Penelope Garcia: This is, uh, especially sad, though.
Emily Prentiss: All right, very funny, you guys. Very funny.
[snatched the paper from Garcia]
Emily Prentiss: What'd you do to it?
Penelope Garcia: Do?
Emily Prentiss: You obviously aletered it in photoshop or something.
[shows the photo to Garcia]
Emily Prentiss: That *hair?*
Penelope Garcia: Oh, no, Pussycat. That - that's all you. Garfield High, Class of '89.
Emily Prentiss: [looking at the photo again] You really didn't change anything?
Penelope Garcia: I hacked it, as is. You're seriously trying to tell me you don't remember rocking that look?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Perhaps your lack of recognition stems from a dissociative fugue suffered in adolescence. Say, at a Siouxsie and the Banshees concert?
Penelope Garcia: [laughs]

Derek Morgan: [in Hotch's flashback during his testimony] Hey, what's the new tech girl's name?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Ah, Gomez, I think.
Derek Morgan: [to Garcia] Excuse me, Gomez!
[Garcia starts walking away]
Derek Morgan: Hey, baby girl!
Penelope Garcia: Baby girl?
Derek Morgan: Ah, forgive me. I just didn't know your real name...
Penelope Garcia: I've been called worse. What can I do for you?

Penelope Garcia: [On the phone] Right! 54, native American. Ma'am, I have all that. Look,
[JJ enters]
Penelope Garcia: I really need now is identifying information.
[Garcia shakes no to JJ]
Penelope Garcia: . Yes, I... I know what a closed adoption means. Do you know what a court order means?
Jennifer Jareau: [Whispers] Wow, we don't have time for a court order
Penelope Garcia: You know what ma'am? I am done being nice! If you look to your cursor, you'll notice it's moving on its own. That's me hacking your secure network. Now I got her file, now I got her social and now, cause you're grumpy, I'm gonna send your boss these Jamaican vacation photos. Check you out, no tan lines!


"Criminal Minds: Empty Planet (#2.8)" (2006)
Penelope Garcia: Networks say the calls came from a restricted number. Two have given limited permission to trap and trace the lines if we should need to.
Aaron Hotchner: You got a news organization to agree to a trap and trace?
Penelope Garcia: Who could say no to me?

Derek Morgan: Hey, doll face. Ready to work some magic for me?
Penelope Garcia: Challenge me, you beautiful behavioral analyst.
Derek Morgan: Domestic terrorist activity in the Seattle area.
Penelope Garcia: Ugh. Morgan, I said challenge me. Doesn't even raise my blood pressure. Pacific Northwest is, like, ripe with the disgruntled. You have animal rights, zoning laws...
Derek Morgan: Specifically anti-technology?
Penelope Garcia: Ah, yes. My loony opposites.

Derek Morgan: You are the light of my life, sweet lady
Penelope Garcia: Je suis toujours ici pour toi, mon cher
[I am always here for you, my dear]
Derek Morgan: Drives me crazy when you talk this "voulez-choucher" to me! Stop it!


"Criminal Minds: Derek (#11.16)" (2016)
Penelope Garcia: This is the block Derek was taken from. That blue dot is him and then at 9:23, we loose him. So., I checked all the other cell signals in the area, they're all legit, aside from one, that I was able to find thanks to some technology no one else outside this room needs to know about

Penelope Garcia: Fortunately, one of the CIA versions of me is trying to crack the encryption signatures

Hank Morgan: When you're in the field, what do you rely on?
Derek Morgan: My training, instinct
Hank Morgan: And?
Derek Morgan: My team! The one I really need isn't here!
Penelope Garcia: [Suddenly present] Hey there! What? All you had to do was ask. Hold on. Oops. Hi
[to Hank]
Penelope Garcia: Let's go
Derek Morgan: He was giving me a name and a serial number
Hank Morgan: Military training
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, but that combination of letters and numbers isn't in my database. My database being your brain


"Criminal Minds: God Complex (#8.4)" (2012)
Penelope Garcia: Well, my friends, you're heading to New Mexico, but pack your thermals, 'cause this case will make you go "brr"
[imitates cold shiver]

Dr. Spencer Reid: Garcia, is the resin biodegradable?
Penelope Garcia: As a matter of fact, yes. How is it you know everything?

Dr. Spencer Reid: [On his mobile] Garcia, I actually need something else. Can you tell me where the nearest payphone is
Penelope Garcia: Sorry?
Dr. Spencer Reid: A payphone, like a phone you pay to make phone calls on
Penelope Garcia: Oh my sweet analog Luddite! That is what your cell is for
Dr. Spencer Reid: Garcia, please
Penelope Garcia: Okay! Someone is being mysterious. Eh, that's gonna take me a second, payphones have gone the way of the Dodo birds: they don't show up on Google maps
Dr. Spencer Reid: All right, try local telecoms
Penelope Garcia: Yes I know, I'm doing that right now. And there is one 5 miles away, just texted it to your cell phone, which you can also use to call people
Dr. Spencer Reid: Thank you so much


"Criminal Minds: Broken (#8.15)" (2013)
Penelope Garcia: Let's see. June 22, 1992, Supreme Court ruled Minnesota hate crime laws violated free speech. The defendant burned a cross on the front yard of an African-American family's house who lived next door.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Nothing in the UnSub's profile suggests racial motivation, though.
David Rossi: No, but the cross has me thinking. Many religions suggest that following through on homosexual desires invites condemnation. What if the UnSub is struggling with his faith? Garcia, are there any 6:22 Bible passages that are relevant?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, I thought of that, but the most popular one is Matthew 6:22, and it has to do with lights and eyes. I don't see how that fits.
Derek Morgan: All right, let's look at this another way. What are the passages that specifically relate to homosexuality?
Dr. Spencer Reid: That's it. He's not saying 6:22. He's saying 18:22. As in Leviticus 18:22, "Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind, for it is an abomination."
David Rossi: He converted 18:22 to 6:22 p.m., like military time.

Dr. Spencer Reid: Maybe, the UnSub suffered abuse at the hand of someone citing God's will that he should change.
David Rossi: It wouldn't be the first time someone took the good book and twisted it for their own agenda.
Derek Morgan: Okay, but if you wanted to change someone's sexual orientation, how could you do it? I mean, you're not gonna guilt somebody into that.
Penelope Garcia: I'm seeing some stuff about an ex-gay movement. It looks like some kind of a 12-step program.
David Rossi: A 12-step program usually doesn't traumatize the participant.
Dr. Spencer Reid: But conversion therapy might. Several conversion camps have been shut down recently 'cause their methods border on torture.
Derek Morgan: Yeah, but why would any faith condone the torture of children?
David Rossi: None of them would. Even a religion that frowns on homosexuality, none of them would cross that line.
Derek Morgan: Garcia, are there conversion camps in the area?
Penelope Garcia: I got a hit. Camp Willing operates just outside of Austin. Their motto is, "It's time to change." And guess which biblical passage is on their home page.

Dr. Spencer Reid: [Garcia poses a theory] You know, Garcia might be right!
Penelope Garcia: It happens


"Criminal Minds: Zugzwang (#8.12)" (2013)
Penelope Garcia: [after looking up Dr.Maeve] Reid I have a picture of her. Do you want to see what she looks like?
Dr. Spencer Reid: No

Penelope Garcia: Okay, I'm sharing something I haven't told anyone. Every time we have a stalker case, I think Rosanna Arquette.
Jennifer Jareau: The whole Arquette family to choose from and you go with Rosanna
Penelope Garcia: Of course I go for Rosanna, because Rosanna Arquette was the inspiration for two seminal songs of my childhood: 'Rosanna' by Toto, obviously, and 'In Your Eyes' by Peter Gabriel. Which gives one pause to think of the myriad of ways of man can be obsessed by a woman and what is she doing in bed to inspire that kind of obsession? And can she teach us, because I want to know...
Jennifer Jareau: [Looking at a picture] Wow!

Jennifer Jareau: [Calling] Garcia?
Penelope Garcia: What have you got, mama Grizzly?


"Criminal Minds: Paradise (#4.4)" (2008)
Penelope Garcia: You, my fine furry friends, are welcome.
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: Remind me to have her drug tested.

Dr. Spencer Reid: [on the phone with Garcia] Thank you, Garcia!
Garcia: You, my fine furry friends, are welcome!
[hangs up the phone]
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: [about Garcia] Remind me to have her drug-tested...

Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: What is it, Garcia?
Penelope Garcia: For the last two days I've been searching through vicap for similar rapes and murders and cases that are still open. That has yielded me diddly squat, so I regrouped, I looked at some pictures of baby Panda and I went back in and looked at started searching for similar rapes and murders of cases that have been solved


"Criminal Minds: ...A Thousand Words (#5.20)" (2010)
Penelope Garcia: Agent Rossi, please tell me you've called because the case is over and I can erase this freakity-freak off my otherwise uber-delicious desktops.

David Rossi: Garcia, remind me never to try to hide from you.
Penelope Garcia: Perish the thought, mon ami.

David Rossi: Garcia?
Penelope Garcia: I ran the covered tattoo through the morpho-tracking system
Emily Prentiss: Tell me you got something, babe
Penelope Garcia: Emily, don't get ahead of my dramatic telling!


"Criminal Minds: Revelations (#2.15)" (2007)
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: Think of the house as a witness. If it could talk, what would it tell us?
Penelope Garcia: My guess is it'd tell us to get the hell out.

Derek Morgan: This guy sits here for days and just watches these people, and he waits for them to commit a sin.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, but Reid's completely innocent.
Derek Morgan: But if you dig deep enough in any of us, we all have our sins.
[Nervously]
Derek Morgan: Including Reid.

Jason Gideon: I don't understand: why can't we shut it down?
Penelope Garcia: Because I can't point his IP-address
Jason Gideon: Just remove it once he sends it
Penelope Garcia: It's the internet. Sir, once it out there, you can never take it back
Jason Gideon: Just like history: you can't undo anything


"Criminal Minds: A Thin Line (#7.15)" (2012)
Penelope Garcia: I got some dirt on your mayoral candidate, Clark Preston.
David Rossi: He's a politician. That shouldn't be hard.

Penelope Garcia: [answering phone] I live to serve you, sir!
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, what can you tell us about a bar called the Drunken Dog?
Penelope Garcia: Ooh, I like it already!

Penelope Garcia: San Bernadino, California. Two home invasions in less than a week, only a block apart. Exact same M.O. Both houses were burgled, power and phone lines cut, and they broke in through a back window.
Dr. Spencer Reid: And in each case, the entire family was shot and killed?
Penelope Garcia: Yes, that is right. I present to you the Mitchells and the Lewis families.
David Rossi: They took out the power and phones to isolate them. Their alarm systems wouldn't work and they can't call for help.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Most modern alarm systems have a backup generator and a cell phone connection to the security company.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, but the Mitchells had an older system, and the Lewises were behind on their account, so it was inactive.
Jennifer Jareau: An assailant was killed in each case?
Penelope Garcia: Affirmative, but the sheriff hasn't IDed them yet.
Emily Prentiss: So both families were armed and fought back and shot one of their attackers.
Derek Morgan: Is that a coincidence or a connection?
Aaron Hotchner: What concerns me is the frequency of the kills.
Jennifer Jareau: Only four days apart.
Aaron Hotchner: All right. It's a long flight. We'd better get going. Wheels up in thirty.


"Criminal Minds: Bloodline (#4.13)" (2009)
[Morgan and Garcia are speaking to each other on the telephone. Morgan has placed her on speaker phone so that the other investigators in the room can hear Garcia's information]
Penelope Garcia: Hiya, baby.
Derek Morgan: Hey baby girl. We need to talk.
Penelope Garcia: PG or NC17?
Derek Morgan: You're on speaker phone.
Penelope Garcia: I charge extra for groups.

David Rossi: Garcia we believe that they are gypsies.
Penelope Garcia: Gypsies? As in "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves?"
David Rossi: Yes.
Penelope Garcia: Oh bless you all for turning my life into a Cher song!

Aaron Hotchner: Garcia.
Penelope Garcia: Oh captain, my captain.
Aaron Hotchner: I need a list of crimes involving partners within a ninety mile radius of Harvest in the last two years.
Penelope Garcia: All crimes?
Aaron Hotchner: Anything. Violent crimes, break-ins, whatever's in the system. I need to be able to show Cate some mugshots.
Penelope Garcia: You got it. One scumbag yearbook coming up.


"Criminal Minds: Tribute (#11.19)" (2016)
Penelope Garcia: [closing quote] "Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light" - Helen Keller

Aaron Hotchner: Go ahead, Garcia
Penelope Garcia: I have absolutely nothing on my passport search. I have been trying to pinpoint travelers who were in America, the UK, and Russia at the time of the murders. I have zero matches
Emily Prentiss: Hey, we should also look at diplomats
Penelope Garcia: Oh my God! Oh my God, It's you, hi!
Emily Prentiss: Hey, you
Penelope Garcia: Oh my God! You're here! You're not here here, but you're in the country here! I miss you. How are you?
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia!
Penelope Garcia: Oh! Yes, sorry!

Penelope Garcia: [to herself, while waiting for the results] All right, technology's working. Good things come to those who wait. Don't look at toast while it's cooking. That sort of thing
[Match found]
Penelope Garcia: Shut the front door!


"Criminal Minds: Nelson's Sparrow (#10.13)" (2015)
Penelope Garcia: Are you sure?
Aaron Hotchner: It's Gideon

Kate Callahan: That's the slowest I have ever seen you type
Penelope Garcia: Snooping into Gideon's spending habits makes me feel like a creep
Jennifer Jareau: Yeah, well, try looking through his bedroom

Dr. Spencer Reid: Garcia, were there any female bodies found in Roanoke County the past few days?
Penelope Garcia: Let me check the crystal web ball


"Criminal Minds: Charm and Harm (#1.20)" (2006)
Aaron Hotchner: You found any other suspicious drownings these last couple of days?
Penelope Garcia: Do you know how many people who drown every day?
Aaron Hotchner: Well, yes, there are more in the summer, for obvious reasons, but I think it averages about 6500 per year, which is 17 a day
Penelope Garcia: Is this Reid?
Aaron Hotchner: Why, are you impressed?
Penelope Garcia: I am slick, I am! You have been doing your research haven't you?

Aaron Hotchner: [picks up his mobile] Hotchner
Penelope Garcia: Who's your Daddy?
Aaron Hotchner: I'm sorry?

Aaron Hotchner: [picks up his mobile] Hotchner
Penelope Garcia: Who's the answer to all your dreams?
Aaron Hotchner: I'm gonna put you on speaker
Penelope Garcia: Oh, you completely suck!


"Criminal Minds: Inner Beauty (#11.20)" (2016)
Penelope Garcia: [Answering the phone] Hi, it's your friendly neighborhood tech analyst

Aaron Hotchner: Where are we on the medical conditions that victim zero might have had?
Penelope Garcia: Nothing yet, but if you direct me, I can be a much more effective missile

Dr. Spencer Reid: Garcia? Look up neurofibromatosis
Penelope Garcia: Uh, how do you spell that? Wait, never mind, autocorrect has it


"Criminal Minds: Angels (#9.23)" (2014)
Penelope Garcia: I'll tell you what, those Canadians, they seem so sweet and innocent, but when they go bad, they go Darth Vader bad.

Jennifer Jareau: So, we get Henry to bed and, you know, we're about to finally have some alone time with mommy and daddy and... you guys know the rest!
Derek Morgan: Ah, trying to dust off the old cobwebs
Penelope Garcia: Inappropriate! Seriously, how long has it been?
Jennifer Jareau: Too long!

Section Chief Mateo Cruz: [having trouble with the remote control] Would you mind?
Penelope Garcia: Thank you Jesus, Buddha and Allah! I like to cover my bases! You have to squeeze it.


"Criminal Minds: To Hell... And Back (#4.25)" (2009)
Dr. Spencer Reid: [Picks up phone] Yeah, Garcia
Penelope Garcia: Sherlock? It's Watson, I think I've got something

Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: Garcia?
Penelope Garcia: Present
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: Is it possible to cross-reference Civil War maps with Victorian homes that still exist in the Port Huron area?
Penelope Garcia: Well, I'm gonna take that question as rhetorical! And... got one

Penelope Garcia: [Picks up her phone] BAU, tech centre, where you should definitely pay attention to the girl begin the curtain


"Criminal Minds: L.D.S.K. (#1.6)" (2005)
[Answering his cellphone]
Derek Morgan: Yeah, Morgan.
Penelope Garcia: Isn't this spooky?
Derek Morgan: Isn't what spooky?
Penelope Garcia: That right now you were thinking about me, and out of the blue your phone rings? And it's me. Huh? How's that for a spiritual connection?
Derek Morgan: Umm... Do I know you?
Penelope Garcia: Why do you hurt me?
[Morgan laughs]

Penelope Garcia: Rainmaker. How wet do you want it?
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: It's Hotch. I have a cell phone number, and I need the name on the account.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. If you call the cell, I can throw in the real-time location, no charge.
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: Are you ready?
Penelope Garcia: I was born ready.

Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: [on the phone to Garcia] The name, Garcia!
Penelope Garcia: McCarthy, Scott
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: Scott McCarthy
Detective Shea Clavin: McCarthy is the unsub!
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: Yeah! Where is he?
Detective Shea Clavin: McCarthy is playing the unsub!


"Criminal Minds: The Wheels on the Bus... (#8.8)" (2012)
David Rossi: How you doing?
Penelope Garcia: Do you ever have one of those days that you want to unplug from everything? Literally?
David Rossi: [opens his bag] Give me your phone. And your tablet. And your other phone. Okay. Tonight you're coming to my house. We're going to listen to Tony Bennett on vinyl and drink 18-year-old Scotch.
Penelope Garcia: I don't drink Scotch.
David Rossi: You'll learn.
Penelope Garcia: Thanks.
David Rossi: Anytime.
[Garcia passes another ringing phone]

Dr. Spencer Reid: Maybe the parents got divorced?
Penelope Garcia: Maybe the parents got divorced! Maybe the parents got divorced, Leave it to the genius to come up with the obvious!

Penelope Garcia: I have gone through every frequency and wavelength and, and I haven't been able to pick up on anything!
Kevin Lynch: Well, just slow down.
Penelope Garcia: I'm frustrated
Kevin Lynch: I get that. Let's just go back. You've checked audix?
Penelope Garcia: Yes
Kevin Lynch: All right, Nady systems, AKG, Electro-Voice, VocoPro?
Penelope Garcia: Yes, yes and yes. Gone through all every frequencies in the freaking northern hemisphere, and nothing!
Kevin Lynch: I don't know, I mean these are the only frequencies that are above ground
Penelope Garcia: Wait! Underground!
Kevin Lynch: No, I said: above ground
Penelope Garcia: ELF! Extremely Low Frequency. It's the only one that can penetrate underground
[kisses Kevin by surprise, until computer beeps]
Penelope Garcia: Got a hit
[looks back at Kevin]
Penelope Garcia: You've lipstick on your face


"Criminal Minds: The Longest Night (#6.1)" (2010)
Penelope Garcia: This murder was quite the scandal...
Detective Adam Kurzbard: For Southern California in the sixties, that's saying something.
Penelope Garcia: Okay... I don't know who was talking right then... But, Word.

Penelope Garcia: [on the phone with Reid] How's my main man doing?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Uh, on the completely safe assumption that you're not talking about me, let's just say I wouldn't wanna be this unsub when Morgan finally gets his hands on him.
Penelope Garcia: That bad, huh?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Has he ever yelled at you *before*?
Penelope Garcia: [chuckles] Touche.

Dr. Spencer Reid: Already?
Penelope Garcia: You doubted?
Dr. Spencer Reid: No, I'll put you on speaker.
Penelope Garcia: Okay, let me preface this by saying that a 40-year-old murder in a suburb of Los Angeles is an absurdly impossible request. Having said that, yours truly happens to know that the Pollak Library at Cal State...
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: Garcia.


"Criminal Minds: The Fox (#1.7)" (2005)
Dr. Spencer Reid: Are you hacking into the government HMO database? Is that legal?
Penelope Garcia: Of course not. We'll both go to prison and you'll be someones bitch.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Really?

Jennifer "JJ" Jareau: [Looking at baby Jack] It's so gorgeous
Haley Hotchner: Thank you
Dr. Spencer Reid: If you find baldness and wrinkles attractive
Penelope Garcia: Look at his little, witty, bitty nose!
[to Derek who walks in]
Penelope Garcia: Don't you want one of these?
Derek Morgan: Hm, I'll stick to practicing

Dr. Spencer Reid: How about pharmaceuticals? Nobody gets therapy these days without a healthy dose of medication
Penelope Garcia: What are you implying, Reid?
Dr. Spencer Reid: That everyone is medicated
Penelope Garcia: Did you just make a joke?
Dr. Spencer Reid: No! I meant statistics. They... they show it...
Penelope Garcia: Next time just say "Yes" okay?


"Criminal Minds: Self Fulfilling Prophecy (#7.9)" (2011)
David Rossi: Leaves of three, let them be.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, man, poison ivy. Alcohol swabs, stat.
Emily Prentiss: Oh, thank you. You know, if I've got it, so do you.
David Rossi: I'm Italian; it knows better.

Penelope Garcia: Come on, baby. Come on.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Boo!
Penelope Garcia: Jeez, you scared me. I thought you were a ghost.
Dr. Spencer Reid: You know, older building like this emit a low enough frequency that you can't consciously hear. Because the sensory overload can't be explained, it wreaks havoc with your emotions, inducing fear, panic, and dread, hence the feeling of being haunted.
Penelope Garcia: What about the visions?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Your eyes overcompensate for what your ears are missing. That said, I do know a three-year-old boy that once met a friendly apparition named Leverett Saltonstall.
Penelope Garcia: He was nice?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Very nice.

Dr. Spencer Reid: You know, a man like Massey sets rules but is the first to break them. He's been left alone to run these kids' lives and nobody questions him.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, man, that sounds so sad and scary when you put it like that.
Dr. Spencer Reid: His policies are a combination of many other philosophies. I'm not sure where his actual leadership lies.
Penelope Garcia: Only that it does. Lie, that is. It's a joke.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Oh... good joke.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah.


"Criminal Minds: Sense Memory (#6.14)" (2011)
Penelope Garcia: Spin the wheel, and it is sunny Los Angeles, people.
Derek Morgan: Two times in one year?
David Rossi: Remind me again why it's called the City of Angels.
Dr. Spencer Reid: It was originally called "The Town of our Lady the Queen of the Angels."... That was a rhetorical question, wasn't it?

Penelope Garcia: Live from Quantico, VA, it is divine Miss Penelope. Los Angeles, you're our first and favorite caller. Talk to me.
Derek Morgan: Okay, woman, you do know you're crazy, right?
Penelope Garcia: But like you always say, "Don't hate the playa, hate the game."
Derek Morgan: Okay, playa, my bad.

Derek Morgan: One of the drivers may have picked someone up off the meter.
Aaron Hotchner: The cabs have GPS?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. Taxis are tracked more than Gaga's Twitter.
Dr. Spencer Reid: What does that mean?
David Rossi: I'll explain it to him, Garcia.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, teach him to worship the other Lady G, boss. Ta and ta.


"Criminal Minds: Sick Day (#12.2)" (2016)
Jennifer Jareau: [about Trisha and John Bates] Are they in touch?
Penelope Garcia: He was doing work in San Diego about two years ago. Somehow, he found out her email account and tried to reconnect.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Two years ago? That when the first murders took place. Garcia, did she respond to the email?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. She basically told him to go have sex with himself and then she deleted that email account.

Penelope Garcia: [Hotch calls her] Ready, willing and excellent, sir

David Rossi: Garcia, are you ready?
Penelope Garcia: Born that way, sir! Okay, this is the horrible part of my job where I stream the sadness to your tablets


"Criminal Minds: Psychodrama (#2.4)" (2006)
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: Good, cause I want every physical dimension on the UnSub, height, waist size, in seam. Everything that you can give me.
Penelope Garcia: Honey, if he opens his mouth I'll give you the length of his teeth.
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: Just keep it clean, and don't call me honey.

Derek Morgan: [answering phone] Yeah
Penelope Garcia: Um pals, don't be ticked, but I think I may have missed the sort of glaringly obvious here. How would you make yourself taller, without being a different person entirely or having some weird sort of chinese surgery?
Elle Greenaway: Heels
Penelope Garcia: Right sunshine, but we'd have seen heels. Unless the UnSub had them hidden inside his shoe, the point is lifts.
Derek Morgan: Lifts?
Penelope Garcia: Lifts. All hidden up inside his boot, with a little fancy footwork, pun emphatically intended, Garcia here managed to dig 'em out.
Derek Morgan: Thanks girl.

Penelope Garcia: Hay, I got access to four bank robberies worth of security footages. What got I to do with them?
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: You know that digital perspective whatever software?
Penelope Garcia: Digital perspective analysis rendering?
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: Yes
Penelope Garcia: Honey, not only do I know it, I helped develop it!
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: Good, as I want to know every physical dimension of the unsub: height, waist size, inseam, everything you can get me
Penelope Garcia: Right, if he opens his mouth, I can give you the length of his teeth
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: Just keep it clean and don't call me honey!


"Criminal Minds: Open Season (#2.21)" (2007)
Emily Prentiss: It looks like they were out there for a long time before they were killed.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: At least six or seven days.
Derek Morgan: What happened in that week?
Penelope Garcia: I don't wanna to know.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Look at they way they're dressed. They didn't voluntarily go into the woods like that.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Yeah, neither did this man. Found yesterday with similar wounds. There's still no ID.
Penelope Garcia: Okay, so I'm gonna look for missing persons in Washington.
Jason Gideon: Look everywhere. We don't know where this victim came from. We only know where he ended up.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Kills both males and females.
Aaron Hotchner: Victims were found with their clothes on. No degradation, no experimentation. Doesn't look like he's interested in either.
Emily Prentiss: A serial killer with no sexual preference?
Dr. Spencer Reid: That'd be a first.
Aaron Hotchner: Broken nose, and bark's embedded in his face. Looks like he ran into a tree.
Derek Morgan: Now how do you miss a huge tree?
Aaron Hotchner: Too busy looking behind you.
Dr. Spencer Reid: None of these are defensive wounds.
Emily Prentiss: Courtney Jacobs' hands are torn up.
Derek Morgan: Shane Everett's only got one shoe on. It's like he ran out of the other one.
Aaron Hotchner: He sustained numerous injuries and just kept going.
Jason Gideon: Only one thing you run that hard for. Your life.

Emily Prentiss: [Brings beer and Brad from the bar] Ladies, this is Brad! A real FBI agent!
Penelope Garcia: Really?
Emily Prentiss: Really!
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: No way!
Penelope Garcia: That's exciting! What's it like in Quantico?
Brad: It's, eh, quite impressive!
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: What department are you in?
Brad: That's classified
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Oh
[winks to Garcia & Emily]
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: it must be really tough keeping all those secrets
Brad: It's a skill like anything else. Carpenters are good at building stuff, measuring. FBI is good at keeping secrets and kicking criminal ass!
Emily Prentiss: Well, somebody has to do it! Oh, do you have to carry your gun and batch with you everywhere you go?
Brad: Affirmative
Emily Prentiss: Can we see it?
Brad: See what?
Emily Prentiss: Your badge
Penelope Garcia: Please
Brad: I am sorry, that's...
Penelope Garcia, Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau, Emily Prentiss: Classified of course
Emily Prentiss: [takes out her badge] Tell me Brad, does it look anything like this?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [takes out her badge] Or, uh, this?
Penelope Garcia: [takes out her badge] Or maybe this?
[Brad walks away]

Penelope Garcia: And before you asked, of course I've already sent you the addresses to your handheld
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, you're the man!
Penelope Garcia: Oh no! You're the man!


"Criminal Minds: The Perfect Storm (#2.3)" (2006)
Derek Morgan: You're okay?
Penelope Garcia: I am okay? Eh, let me see: I have got images of a girl being tortured burned inside my brain over this strain over this once carefree choice of music. I isolated 4 sources from one track and each one is more distorted that the next. So no, I am not okay, that is going to take a while!
Derek Morgan: Penelope, you know I appreciate your doings
Penelope Garcia: Thank you sugar, but right now even that doesn't feel good

Penelope Garcia: His credit card says Miami, but not all of his alibis check out. And you know if there is one loose thread, I will find it, I will pull it and destroy and completely unravel! A tout a l'heure!

Dr. Spencer Reid: Strange, in this case the abused actually became the abuser!
Penelope Garcia: That doesn't happen a lot?
Dr. Spencer Reid: One in eight
Penelope Garcia: We found the one


"Criminal Minds: 'Til Death Do Us Part (#11.3)" (2015)
Derek Morgan: [Picks up his mobile] Hey, what's up mama? Wild guess: we got a case?
Penelope Garcia: You're correct! Please pass GO and collect 200 kisses from moi and Hotch wants to see us
Derek Morgan: For what?
Penelope Garcia: He didn't say, but I'm having flashbacks to being in highschool, having to go to the principal's office

Aaron Hotchner: Giuseppe Montolo has refused our latest request to talk to him. He told the warden to tell us he's too busy
Penelope Garcia: He's a hitman in prison! How busy can he be?

Derek Morgan: Baby girl, are you there?
Penelope Garcia: Speak now or forever hold your peace


"Criminal Minds: The Crimson King (#12.1)" (2016)
Luke Alvez: [First encounter; Alvez walks into elevator where Garcia is already in] Hey
Penelope Garcia: Good morning
Luke Alvez: How was your weekend?
Penelope Garcia: I don't really discuss my personal life with my co-workers
Luke Alvez: Really?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. I keep a real low profile here.
Luke Alvez: Tsk
Penelope Garcia: If you must know, I hung out with my boyfriend, who is super hot and awesome and totally in love with me
Luke Alvez: That's cool. You guys go out?
Penelope Garcia: No, we stayed in and he helped me with some fingering techniques... For my clarinet, which I practice and he helps me. And this conversation is making me uncomfortable and I am sorry, I must go. Agent Hotchner needs me
Luke Alvez: I made lasagna
Penelope Garcia: [while rushing out of the elevator] I do not care

Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, did the pictures come through?
Penelope Garcia: Yes sir. They're coming in loud and disconcertingly clear

Penelope Garcia: [Rossi contacts here from the plane using his tablet] Here I am, the paragon of professionalism


"Criminal Minds: Restoration (#8.18)" (2013)
Derek Morgan: Baby Girl! See if the owner of the convenient store had any military defensive training
Penelope Garcia: Oh, I will, as long as you promise to bring my future mother-in-law peach cobbler!
Derek Morgan: As soon as we're done here, I promise

Aaron Hotchner: [Phone rings] Go ahead, Garcia
Penelope Garcia: I'm gonna start with the good news first, 'cause I wanna!

Derek Morgan: Yeah, Baby Girl! How's that list coming along?
Penelope Garcia: Okay, of the 5 that hit the profile, one sticks out like a tiger in a room of kittens!


"Criminal Minds: The Slave of Duty (#5.10)" (2009)
Penelope Garcia: Like a genie in a bottle.

Penelope Garcia: [Replying to Reid] Check, check, and checkers. Back in a smidge.

Derek Morgan: All right, baby girl. Talk to me. I need employer records and a list of venues that Culpepper contracted out to this weekend!
Penelope Garcia: Oh, sir, check your email. It hit you inbox 60 seconds ago
Derek Morgan: Thanks, Penelope


"Criminal Minds: Magnificent Light (#8.9)" (2012)
Penelope Garcia: By the way, uh, totally different subject. I happened upon that invitation guest list for the British embassy thing. Did you know that Madonna and Stephen Hawking are going? Not together, but they're going.
Derek Morgan: Penelope...
Penelope Garcia: Seriously, you're gonna miss a chance to meet Stephen Hawking? Reid will kill you.
Derek Morgan: Well, then I'm dead.
Penelope Garcia: Why don't you want to go?
Derek Morgan: It's personal. How about that?
Penelope Garcia: Oh. Oh, my God, it's personal? That never occurred to me that it would be personal. I thought it was like stock market related or 'cause of the weather.
Derek Morgan: Will you cut it out, already?
Penelope Garcia: Okay. Keep your super secrets to yourself, 007.

Derek Morgan: [Picks up his mobile] Hey Garcia, you're on speaker. What do you got?
Penelope Garcia: The 4-double-1 on Barry Flynn. Hey, has anyone been listening to his "Unlimited Courage", 'cause it's pretty amazing! I've just finished the first CD and I've already signed up for kickboxing class and I'm painting a wall in my apartment white, which is a risky color in my world
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia!
Penelope Garcia: Oh, Sorry!

Derek Morgan: Hey, Baby Girl
Penelope Garcia: If loving you is wrong, Baby Boy, but I don't wanna be right
Derek Morgan: Well, likewise, mama


"Criminal Minds: The Itch (#10.4)" (2014)
Penelope Garcia: You know that throw away cell phone that called Albert Stillman?
Derek Morgan: Yeah
Penelope Garcia: It made another call this morning to a dr. William Suri. He is a researcher scientist of entomology of all things
Derek Morgan: Baby girl, hold on a second
[Derek: walks to a room a reads a whiteboard]
Derek Morgan: This guy works at Barnett Collega?
Penelope Garcia: I know you guys are psychic but how did you do that?

Dr. Spencer Reid: Morgellons?
Penelope Garcia: There is a Magellan astronomy club that meets on Tuesdays
Dr. Spencer Reid: No Morgellons! M-O-R-G-E-L-L-O-N-S
Penelope Garcia: Ah, the vowels will get you
David Rossi: Okay, I'll bite: what's Morgellons?

Penelope Garcia: [picking up the phone] Top of the morning, fellow Leprechauns


"Criminal Minds: The Witness (#11.2)" (2015)
Derek Morgan: Garcia, did he write anything that could make him a potential target?
Penelope Garcia: Hm-mmm, nothing. Everything is really non-offensive and I have delicate sensibilities
Derek Morgan: It's part of your charm, mama
Penelope Garcia: [Melts] Aww!

David Rossi: Talk to me, Penelope
Penelope Garcia: You were right, handsome Italian man

Penelope Garcia: Senarak is like the color beige. Not that I don't *like* the color beige, except it's the color I look bad in.


"Criminal Minds: The Replicator (#8.24)" (2013)
Penelope Garcia: I am all over the DOJ names including support staff. I have Kevin pulling files and photos. System is down, so it's hard to track entire career paths, but there were two agents in New York in 2001. Scratch that, Lehman died in October, that leaves Curtis.
Alex Blake: Wait a second. John Curtis?
Penelope Garcia: You know him?
Alex Blake: I haven't seen him in a long time. He was a nice guy. We were first office agents together, but I thought he left the Bureau after Amerithrax case.
Aaron Hotchner: Could it be him? Does he fit the profile?
Alex Blake: He was quiet and a loner, but brilliant. He specialized in a lot of fields, but his passion was biochemistry.

Penelope Garcia: He inherited a family compound in rural Virginia. Coordinates are on your phone.
Alex Blake: What else do you have on Curtis?
Penelope Garcia: Just like you thought. John Curtis was demoted in the FBI after the Amerithrax case. He was slated to take over the coveted New York field office, but then was shipped to the not coveted Kansas City one. He worked there for many years quietly before he was able to weasel his way back into the nation's capital. On paper, he is a rock star. He immediately transferred to the Department of Justice, the Intelligence Oversight section. He's a genius on multiple levels.
Aaron Hotchner: What's his background?
Penelope Garcia: Only child, parents died when he was 18. Never married. Total loner, just like Blake said.
Aaron Hotchner: And all he's ever had to care about is his work.
Derek Morgan: And when he lost that, he snapped.

Penelope Garcia: [the team is reminiscing about Strauss] Do you guys remember that one time that she called me, but I thought that it was somebody else?
[indicating Morgan]
Derek Morgan: Oh, no.
Jennifer Jareau: That... that was funny.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, maybe to you. I was mortified.
Alex Blake: What did you say?
Penelope Garcia: [laughing] I said "Talk dirty to me."
Derek Morgan: Yes, she did.
Alex Blake: [open mouthed surprise] Are you kidding?


"Criminal Minds: The Apprenticeship (#8.6)" (2012)
Penelope Garcia: [to Derek Morgan] I thought you'd never call! I'm hungry, and your voice is like food.

Dr. Spencer Reid: Were there any other victims?
Penelope Garcia: Eh... actually yes, but not of the human variety. In the last month six puppies have been suffocated and beaten and thank God there are no photos, because I draw the line at dead dogs

Derek Morgan: Hey, mama. Tell me something good.
Penelope Garcia: Well, I cleaned up this nut bag's laptop. The guy was a torture porn connoisseur. The dude makes Rick James seem Amish...


"Criminal Minds: Route 66 (#9.5)" (2013)
Penelope Garcia: Hi, sir. Welcome back! Do you feel okay? Do you need anything?
Aaron Hotchner: What happened?
Penelope Garcia: Uh. You collapsed and they performed emergency surgery because you were bleeding internally. The doctor said, it had something to do with the stabbing. But you're fine. There were some complications with the operation, but you're... you're okay. I mean, you're like as healthy as a puma, a bedridden puma. But my point is you're gonna be fine.

Aaron Hotchner: Garcia? Thank you for staying.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, wild horses, sir. Just... wild horses.

Penelope Garcia: Excuse me, sir. You have a visitor.
Jack Hotchner: [running into the room] Dad!
Aaron Hotchner: Hey.
[Jack climbs onto the hospital bed and hugs his father]
Aaron Hotchner: Easy.
Jack Hotchner: Are you okay?
Aaron Hotchner: I am now.


"Criminal Minds: Carbon Copy (#8.16)" (2013)
Aaron Hotchner: Go ahead, Garcia.
Penelope Garcia: I want to preface this by saying I did not break any rules by getting this info so fast. I may have scraped, scratched, massaged, but no breaks. Not a one.
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia.

Penelope Garcia: [Hotch calls her, Garcia sings] Give me stuff to do!

Aaron Hotchner: [Picks up his mobile] Hotchner
Penelope Garcia: Oh, sir! Hi, it's me
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, whose number is this?
Penelope Garcia: [At home] Sorry, I had Anderson give me a ride. I desperately needed a shower and some food that wasn't sold in a machine


"Criminal Minds: Honor Among Thieves (#2.20)" (2007)
Penelope Garcia: Your friendly neighborhood oracle of all things knowable and unknowable at your service.

Penelope Garcia: He served 23 years in 4 remote prisons in Perm. That's a remote region of the northern Ural Mountains for those of you playing the home game.

Penelope Garcia: It's breadcrumbs
Emily Prentiss: I'm sorry
Penelope Garcia: It's set of address strings and passwords, a path! See? I am jumping from site to site, country to country and each time I get a cursor I put in the next address and password. It's the equivalent of breadcrumbs to Hansel and Gretel!


"Criminal Minds: Reckoner (#5.3)" (2009)
Dr. Spencer Reid: [after Hotch throws him a folder] What's this?
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: You told me you were cleared to travel. You lied.
Emily Prentiss: Naughty boy.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Uh, *no* I *didn't.* I *am* a doctor, so *technically* it wasn't a lie.
Penelope Garcia: What was it then?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Um... second opinion?
Penelope Garcia: Hmm. You're my bitch now.
[leaves the room as Morgan chuckles]

Penelope Garcia: [to Hotch via webcam with Reid] I got something that might help us with that...
Dr. Spencer Reid: Technically *we* have something that might help us with that.

Dr. Spencer Reid: [to Prentiss via webcam with Garcia] Anything less than 10,000 dollars keeps the IRS off your trail.
Penelope Garcia: [desperately] I know that too.


"Criminal Minds: From Childhood's Hour (#7.5)" (2011)
Derek Morgan: Hey, baby girl, whatever you're doing, drop it.
Penelope Garcia: Yes, and with pleasure. Let me tell you something, sweetheart. This is a Lamborghini you are talking to. You have to drive me. You can't just leave me parked in the garage collecting dust, or I will wilt.
Derek Morgan: Well, please forgive my neglect. I need you to rev up that fine-tuned, Italian engine of yours, then.
Penelope Garcia: Revving.
Derek Morgan: Our UnSub had personal details about Marlene Smith, so I need you to figure out who might have been in her house recently. Cable guy, plumber, people like that.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. I always wonder about plumbers. You know, they peek in your medicine cabinet. You just know it.
Derek Morgan: Maybe try a phone repairman or a babysitter. Check computers in the house. Maybe she used one of those techie fix-it type dweebs who makes house calls.
Penelope Garcia: Hey, watch it. Language.
Derek Morgan: You know, I'm just playing with you, but come on, put a rush on it. Clock's ticking, okay?
Penelope Garcia: Rush is the only speed a Lamborghini has. Proud techie dweeb over and out.

Derek Morgan: Talk to me, mama.
Penelope Garcia: First off, you are on restriction from my inner Lamborghini.
Derek Morgan: Garcia...
Penelope Garcia: I mean it. This high-performance engine may purr like a puma on the prowl, but this time, Derek, you have seriously overheated my engines, and I will require some cool-down laps upon your return, if you know what I mean by that.
Derek Morgan: Baby girl, you're on speaker.
Penelope Garcia: I knew that.

Dr. Spencer Reid: How about 10 pairs of shoes? I mean, that has to be enough, right? Ten?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Spence, it's different with the ladies. We need them to match our belts, our handbags, our skirts, and the fashions change with the seasons.
Penelope Garcia: Yes. Boys are so boring. Pants, shoes, out the door.
Emily Prentiss: Although, it's not like men don't have their things. I dated a golfer once. He had 12 putters in his closet. But this conversation is reminding me I need new boots.
Penelope Garcia: They're having a sale at DeMille's on those tall-shaft kitty heels. You like those. Do you want to go?
Emily Prentiss: Yeah.
Derek Morgan: You getting all this, kid?
Dr. Spencer Reid: No.


"Criminal Minds: A Family Affair (#7.16)" (2012)
[Garcia, JJ, and Prentiss are hung over after a night of salsa dancing]
Derek Morgan: What did you guys drink last night?
Penelope Garcia: The green fairy. You're in the FBI; could you get the entire crowd to stop cheering?

Emily Prentiss: Oh, you're not playing around
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Hmm, Will's away all week, so I'm pulling double duty with Henry
Penelope Garcia: Please tell me we're still on for Saturday night? Because I've had it circled on my calendar for the last 23 1/2 days
[sees JJ wondering]
Penelope Garcia: which apparently, from the look of you, you did not!
Emily Prentiss: Oh, Garcia paid good money for those Salsa lessons
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: I'll get a sitter

David Rossi: What about sexual violations?
Aaron Hotchner: No, the ME's report says there's no evidence of sexual activity before death
Penelope Garcia: So, what's he doing with them?
Aaron Hotchner: That's what we need to find out


"Criminal Minds: Mayhem (#4.1)" (2008)
Penelope Garcia: Agent Rossi? We heard there was some kind of explosion.
Lisa Bartleby: [to a CCTV tech] We got this.
David Rossi: Where are you?
Penelope Garcia: I just walked into the CCTV command post.
David Rossi: Can you see anything?
Penelope Garcia: I literally just walked through the door, sir.
David Rossi: We got on the news it was an SUV that exploded. A black SUV within blocks of the Federal Plaza.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, God.
David Rossi: Now, do you have eyes there?
Penelope Garcia: I, uh... yeah. Yeah, I've got like three hundred cameras right there. Give me a sec.
David Rossi: I'm here with Reid, but I don't know where anyone else is. And Garcia?
Penelope Garcia: Yes, sir?
David Rossi: Find them.

Penelope Garcia: Morgan?
Derek Morgan: Yeah, Baby
Penelope Garcia: You sound stressed
Derek Morgan: Do I?
Penelope Garcia: Where are you?
Penelope Garcia: Not where I want to be right now

Derek Morgan: There's something I really want you to know, Garcia.
Penelope Garcia: Save it. Just get out.
Derek Morgan: No, no, no. I'm not quite there yet.
Penelope Garcia: Morgan...
Derek Morgan: Just listen to me.
Penelope Garcia: Morgan, please.
Derek Morgan: You know what you are, Garcia?
Penelope Garcia: Morgan!
[Ambulance explodes]
Penelope Garcia: Derek?
Derek Morgan: Garcia? I'll tell you what you are to me. You're my God-given solace. Woman, you promise me one thing - whatever happens... don't you ever stop talking to me.
Penelope Garcia: I can't right now 'cause I'm mad at you.
Derek Morgan: I can wait.


"Criminal Minds: Lessons Learned (#2.10)" (2006)
Jennifer Jareau: What the hack is going on here?
Penelope Garcia: The NSA is routing all messages to us for language analysis. You know, rumor has it, much to my chagrin that during national security emergencies our fair country turns all of its satellites homeward and record all electronic traffic in the whole of US of A
Jennifer Jareau: Is this even legal?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, I don't really want to think about that right now

Penelope Garcia: Please pick up, please pick up, please pick up!
Derek Morgan: Yeah, it's Morgan. Hello...? Garcia, can you hear me?
Penelope Garcia: We saw the explosion on TV!
Derek Morgan: Yeah, I know. We lost a SWAT agent
Penelope Garcia: Oh God!
Derek Morgan: Don't worry; don't think you're gonna get rid of me that easy
Penelope Garcia: Do you need anything?
Derek Morgan: I'd know who to call, thanks Baby Girl!

Jennifer Jareau: You know, it should be a lot easier if there is a centralization of all this information
Penelope Garcia: Dream on, JJ! No one wants the other kids peeing in their sandbox!


"Criminal Minds: The Bittersweet Science (#7.10)" (2011)
Penelope Garcia: Okay, Rossi, out with it. Is Hotch dating?
David Rossi: I don't know.
Dr. Spencer Reid: You know, statistically, widowed men start dating much faster than females, but Hotch is refuting the data. It's been two years and 19 days.
Penelope Garcia: Venus is aligned with Mars, which means love is in the air and maybe we will get weekends off.
[Morgan clears his throat]
Penelope Garcia: What? Is he standing there? He's standing there, isn't he?
Aaron Hotchner: Hello, Garcia.
Penelope Garcia: Hello. Someone talk about the case.

Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, I need all the information you can find me on the Philadelphia boxing scene.
Penelope Garcia: Well, let's see. There's *Rocky I* through *V*. And let's not forget about the last one.
Derek Morgan: Penelope.

Derek Morgan: Penelope, how's the greatest computer tech this side of the Mississippi?
Penelope Garcia: Floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee, Garcia's gonna find what only her screens can see. What do you need, baby?


"Criminal Minds: Persuasion (#9.17)" (2014)
David Rossi: What'd you find Garcia?
Penelope Garcia: Can someone let the Pope know about me? Because what I do is kind of a miracle!

[last lines]
Jennifer Jareau: I'm sorry you didn't get to see your mom.
Dr. Spencer Reid: It's okay. I guess now I know what a parent feels like when their kid grows up. Someone who's depended on you for so long and then suddenly they're off living their own life and they don't really need you anymore.
Jennifer Jareau: Except she's the parent, and that's how it should be.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, hi. Welcome back. This came for you.
Dr. Spencer Reid: No return address?
Penelope Garcia: No, and it's really heavy. So what's inside it? Yes, that's me being nosy.
[looking Reid opens the box]
Penelope Garcia: That looks like a pile of...
Dr. Spencer Reid: Shale, limestone, and sandstone. It's a sculpture of the Grand Canyon from my mom.
Jennifer Jareau: See? She didn't forget you.
Dr. Spencer Reid: She said she was gonna mail the postcards, but then she decided to send the Grand Canyon instead. Here, listen to this. "You may have to commit me twice, Spencer, because not only I ride a mule on a tiny trail, with a 1,000-foot vertical drop, I paid for the privilege. Now, that's crazy." Can you imagine my mom on a mule?
Jennifer Jareau: No.
Dr. Spencer Reid: It's like Hotch at the beach.
[all lough]
Dr. Spencer Reid: "The mules must do this all the time, because they seem very..."


"Criminal Minds: The Boys of Sudworth Place (#10.8)" (2014)
Kate Callahan: [while talking details of the crime] Cute shoes!
Penelope Garcia: Thank you

Penelope Garcia: I am made of cream! Give me your coffee!
Derek Morgan: Hey Baby Girl, listen you're on speaker!


"Criminal Minds: True Night (#3.10)" (2007)
Penelope Garcia: Hey, do you know who Frank Miller is?
Derek Morgan: Frank Miller. Um... it sounds familiar. Unsub?
Penelope Garcia: [laughing] No. Graphic novelist. 300? Sin City?
Derek Morgan: Oh. Right, right, right. Cool movies.
Penelope Garcia: Anyway... he said something once and it makes me think of you. "The noir hero is a knight in blood-caked armor. He's dirty, and he does his best to deny the fact that he's a hero the whole time."

Penelope Garcia: [to Derek] Honey, I know you love me, but the prospect of you whirling around here trying to fix this, is actually more frightening than getting shot!


"Criminal Minds: Strange Fruit (#9.9)" (2013)
Penelope Garcia: [Rossi walks into the office] Where are you going?
David Rossi: I got your text!
Penelope Garcia: I love you very much, but you need to read more than just the first sentence! The case is like 5 miles away

Jennifer Jareau: Ah come on, there's got to be something! A guy capable of this kind of brutalities has got to have a pretty sketchy record
Penelope Garcia: [typing and searching] Hmm...
[results pop up]
Penelope Garcia: Huh, creepy bingo!


"Criminal Minds: Bully (#9.11)" (2013)
Jennifer Jareau: [looking at crime scene pictures] Hm, looks brutal!
David Rossi: Classic overkill
Dr. Spencer Reid: Stripped and wearing women's underwear that, I am assuming, weren't his
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, all of his clothes where found nearby, his skivvies included

Detective Scott Miller: Hello?
Damon Miller: You're late.
Alex Blake: Like... what... five minutes.
Damon Miller: You're still late.
Detective Scott Miller: Hey Pop.
Damon Miller: How's the melon?
Detective Scott Miller: It's all right. It's fine.
Damon Miller: Uh, you two made up, didn't you? Yeah, I figured... been doing that since you were kids. Fight like cats and dogs, then forget about it 10 minutes later. Used to drive your mother crazy. Then she'd drive me crazy.
Detective Scott Miller: Hey, Pop, you know she got shot?
Alex Blake: Oh, that's great.
Detective Scott Miller: Well...
Damon Miller: Yeah, I heard.
Alex Blake: You heard?
Penelope Garcia: Mr. Miller? We need more ice.
Damon Miller: Help yourself.
Penelope Garcia: Hey, what's up?... You must be Scott. I'm Penelope.
Detective Scott Miller: Hi.
Alex Blake: What are you doing here?
Damon Miller: I invited them.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. It's only a two-and-a-half-hour flight. When I hear Kansas City barbecue, I come a runnin', for the sides and the fixings. I'm a vegetarian.
Alex Blake: What do you mean, them?
[comes out to the garden]
Alex Blake: Oh, you're all here. My words are colliding.
Aaron Hotchner: And your dad promised ribs.
Derek Morgan: And your pops is no joke on this grill.
Damon Miller: Can't celebrate unless the whole family's here.
Alex Blake: I can't argue with that.


"Criminal Minds: Distress (#2.17)" (2007)
[Morgan has just telephoned Garcia from Houston, Texas]
Penelope Garcia: Are you lonely in the Lone Star State? And are you wearing chaps?
Derek Morgan: [laughing] Only in your dreams, Garcia.
Penelope Garcia: [laughing] Oh, not necessarily. I have Photoshop.

[Garcia calls]
Dr. Spencer Reid: Yeah? What'd you have?
Penelope Garcia: Why isn't Derek answering his phone?
Dr. Spencer Reid: He's probably stuck underground somewhere.
Penelope Garcia: Underground?
Dr. Spencer Reid: I'll explain later


"Criminal Minds: The Tribe (#1.16)" (2006)
Elle Greenaway: What are you doing out of your bunker?
Penelope Garcia: [distracted by Sean] I was on my way to file the things that I... file.
Sean Hotchner: [approaching] Excuse me.
Elle Greenaway: Hi.
Sean Hotchner: I'm...
Derek Morgan: [entering] Sean, hey. Derek. You must be looking for your brother.
Sean Hotchner: Yeah.
Derek Morgan: Right this way.
Elle Greenaway: Brother, as in... that's Hotch's brother?
Penelope Garcia: Maybe Hotch is adopted.

Penelope Garcia: [seeing Sean leave Hotch's office] Here he comes.
Jennifer Jareau: That's Hotch's brother?
Penelope Garcia: Uh-huh.
Jennifer Jareau: I don't see it.
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: Sean, listen to me. All I'm saying is you're twenty-five years old.
Sean Hotchner: You know what? Don't profile me, Aaron.
Jennifer Jareau: [as Sean leaves] Now I see it.


"Criminal Minds: It Takes a Village (#7.1)" (2011)
Aaron Hotchner: Seven months ago, I made a decision that affected this team. As you all know, Emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle. But the doctors were able to stabilize her, and she was airlifted from Boston to Bethesda under covert exfiltration. Her identity was strictly need to know. And she stayed there until she was well enough to travel. She was reassigned to Paris, where she was given several identities, none of which we had access to, for her security.
Penelope Garcia: She's alive?
Dr. Spencer Reid: But we buried her.
Aaron Hotchner: As I said, I take full responsibility for the decision. If anyone has any issues, they should be directed toward me.
Derek Morgan: [angry] Any issues? Yeah, I got issues.
[Prentiss appears in the doorway]
Penelope Garcia: [near tears] Oh, my God.

Erin Strauss: The committee made it clear they will not support a rogue team. Agent Prentiss convinced them you were not that. They will be watching you closely. So I suggest you play by their rules.
Penelope Garcia: So, we're okay?
Erin Strauss: Suspension is lifted for everyone.
Jennifer Jareau: Thank you, ma'am.
Erin Strauss: There may be more paperwork, considering your situation, but the team is lucky to have you, if you're interested.
Emily Prentiss: May I think about it?
Erin Strauss: Of course.
Emily Prentiss: [pause] I'm in.


"Criminal Minds: Secrets and Lies (#1.21)" (2006)
Penelope Garcia: You work for the CIA?
Jason Gideon: Not officially

Penelope Garcia: If I may ask, sir, I don't know your name
Jennifer Jareau: Nathan
Penelope Garcia: The thing I don't get is our team is there. Why can't we go to Langly? Do I look like a thread to national security to you? Seriously?
Agent #1: Your name is on a list
Penelope Garcia: A list? What list? I work for the FBI! You're telling me I am on a list this is I can't go to the CIA?
Agent #1: Your name is on a list
Jennifer Jareau: Eh, Garcia?
[while Nathan grants CIA computer access, Garcia and JJ whisper behind Nathan's back]
Penelope Garcia: You do know what this means?
Jennifer Jareau: What?
Penelope Garcia: I will be able to find out whether Princess Diane's death was really an accident
Jennifer Jareau: I think that's exactly the kind of thing that got you on the list!


"Criminal Minds: Zoe's Reprise (#4.15)" (2009)
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Victim one, Travis Bartlett, was last seen at a gay bar. He was shot at night in a park. Victim two, Lily Nicks, a thirty-four year old prostitute, her throat was slashed. Victims three and four, June Appleby and Troy Wertsler, were shot in their car at a parking lot outside of a movie theater. And victim five was a twenty-eight year old single woman, Kayla James, killed in her home. She was bound, suffocated with a bag over her head, evidence of rape.
Emily Prentiss: And then the sixth victim was Zoe.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Victimology, weapons used, and C.O.D. are all different. I mean, it's hard to imagine it's even the same unsub.
David Rossi: It can't be a coincidence that Zoe goes to Kayla James' house and gets murdered.
Aaron Hotchner: All right, let's say it is the same killer. Does anybody see a pattern?
Emily Prentiss: Well, maybe. Okay, in the first crime, he shoots the victim. The second crime, he rapes a woman and slashes her throat; that's more personal. And the third crime, he escalates to killing two people, and the fourth, he escalates even more by raping a woman, binding her, and suffocating her.
Aaron Hotchner: So if it is the same unsub, you could argue that there's a progression of violence with every kill.
Dr. Spencer Reid: It could be an anger excitation offender getting more daring with each crime.
Derek Morgan: I think I got something here. Look at this. The slashes in the prostitute's throat, they're all shallow, unsure cuts. The Kayla James crime scene, telephone cord, rope, and duct tape were used. It's like he couldn't decide how to bind her.
Aaron Hotchner: So without a gun, he's sloppy, inexperienced.
Derek Morgan: The young couple shot in the car... that crime scene remind you of anything?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Yeah, they were shot with a .44 Bulldog, just like the Son of Sam used on his victims, which were also young couples in parked cars. It might be nothing, but you're right, there is a parallel there.
Emily Prentiss: With the second victim, it's hard not to think of Jack the Ripper. The obvious similarity being it's a prostitute whose throat was slashed.
Aaron Hotchner: Kayla James was bound, tortured, raped, with a plastic bag over her head, like BTK.
Derek Morgan: What about victim number one?
David Rossi: Garcia, what neighborhood was he found in?
Penelope Garcia: At a park in the Kingsbury Run area.
David Rossi: Zoe reminded me last night that Cleveland's most famous serial killer was the Butcher of Kingsbury Run. He found his victims in gay bars, shot them, and dumped their body there. Travis Bartlett was last seen at a gay bar, and his body was found in Kingsbury Park.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: So these are copycats of famous serial killers?
David Rossi: He's a serial killer studying serial killers.
Aaron Hotchner: See you in Cleveland, Dave.

Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [Showing pictures] This is Henry wearing booties my mom knitted him
Penelope Garcia: I can't get over his cuteness
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [Giggles] Oh, and this is him wearing the customized leather jacket aunty Penelope got him
Penelope Garcia: When he grows up he's gonna be a rebel!
[Phone rings]
Penelope Garcia: Is this David Rossi, the famous bestselling author David Rossi?
Derek Morgan: What you're doing? You're not supposed to call when you're on annual leave
David Rossi: I think my AL just ended


"Criminal Minds: Roadkill (#4.23)" (2009)
Penelope Garcia: [to herself] Penelope is hoping the migraine, she woke up with this morning, goes away in time of the Small Wonder marathon tonight
Kevin Lynch: [Knocks] You're decent?
Penelope Garcia: Never

David Rossi: He's had to rebuild it several times now. Parts can't be easy to find for a truck that old
Penelope Garcia: I smell what you're cooking, agent. Checking auto suppliers in Bend... yeah, Rossi get's a fruit cup at lunch!


"Criminal Minds: A Real Rain (#1.17)" (2006)
Penelope Garcia: Fount of All Knowledge. Check my flow.
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: I need you to check all the victims and see if any were ever charged with a crime.
Penelope Garcia: Okay. You wanna time me, or should I just dazzle you off the clock?

Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: [Garcia has found the connection between all the victims] You're a genius.
Penelope Garcia: You're just saying that 'cause it's true.


"Criminal Minds: A Higher Power (#3.15)" (2008)
Penelope Garcia: Emily, the strange and great. What can I do you for?
Emily Prentiss: Hey, uhm, I am looking for a drug that would temporarily paralyze or subdue someone, not kill them, but give full control
Penelope Garcia: Well, I always use alcohol. Less fuss, way cheaper

Emily Prentiss: Is there any possibility that while we've been talking you've been multitasking?
Penelope Garcia: What? Track down his current address?
Emily Prentiss: Ha, ha, I love you Penelope Garcia
Penelope Garcia: Hum, get in line


"Criminal Minds: Hostage (#11.14)" (2016)
David Rossi: Long term hostage, that's rare. We got another Ariel Castro here?
Penelope Garcia: Huh, funny that you say that. Not funny ha-ha, funny weird

Dr. Spencer Reid: Who owns the house?
Penelope Garcia: Oh, that's where it's getting even weirder. This woman, Clara Riggins, she's MIA, but her checking account is active, she pays her bills on time and if my math is correct, she's 108 years old
David Rossi: I might be going out on a limb here, but I'm gonna bet she had nothing to do with the kidnapping


"Criminal Minds: A Badge and a Gun (#11.15)" (2016)
David Rossi: Garcia, we need you to track all the cell phones for all the male agents of the Bureau over the past week
Penelope Garcia: Whoa, that is a lot of testosterone. Okay, there are 13,421 special agents, around 11 thousand of those are male. Why are you asking... Oh, come on! Really? The good guys are supposed to be good
Jennifer Jareau: Okay, crosscheck the locations of those male agents against the crime scene coordinates
Penelope Garcia: [sighs] crosschecking as we speak, and not so secretly hoping I do not get a match

Derek Morgan: Hey, Baby Girl. Listen, I need you to check the neighborhood around our crime scenes. See if any unrelated crimes went down before ours
Penelope Garcia: Whatever you want, my caramel mocha surprise


"Criminal Minds: What Happens in Mecklinburg... (#9.21)" (2014)
Penelope Garcia: [Derek calls her] Eyebrows! Angel! I love you! What do you need?

Jennifer Jareau: Alright, can you pull up her chart of that day?
Penelope Garcia: JJ, can I pull up... Is the pope a catholic?


"Criminal Minds: Lockdown (#10.16)" (2015)
Penelope Garcia: [On the phone] Chocolate Thunder! Chocolate Thunder! Where have you been? I left like four messages!
Derek Morgan: I am sorry, mamy. You know there is no signal inside
Penelope Garcia: Ah! That is cruel and unusual punishment! You that if I don't phone flirt with you at least twice a day, I get all itchy! Promise me you will check in more!
Derek Morgan: Hey what do you think, I am doing right now? Come on! Breathe!

Penelope Garcia: Hey, take care of yourself
Derek Morgan: Come on, you know me
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, I do, that's why I am saying it!


"Criminal Minds: #6 (#8.22)" (2013)
David Rossi: This car becomes an abduction vehicle and a dumping site.
Dr. Spencer Reid: According to missing persons' reports, he holds on to them for all about a week. Do we know what he does with them during that time?
Penelope Garcia: Yes, unfortunately we do, and that information is on your tablets in picture form. And if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to my happy place.

David Rossi: Garcia? I don't get it. Didn't the car companies give you the same GPS data?
Penelope Garcia: [Agitated] Yes, they did. But the meta-data has to be translated into latitude and longitude, which is like looking for a needle in a needle stack in a field of needles!
Alex Blake: Can't you match the dates? We know he breaks into the cars three days beforehand
Penelope Garcia: But that would imply there's a timestamp on each of the numbers, which there's not, thank you very much. And forgive my tone, but I'm frustrated
[computer starts finding matches]
Penelope Garcia: Wait! My mood is changing. We may have a lotto here!


"Criminal Minds: Conflicted (#4.20)" (2009)
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: National media's picked up on the story. We're gonna need to make a statement when we land.
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: We want to make people aware without obviously causing panic.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Stress hyper-vigilance, the whole buddy system. Yeah, I'm all over it. I just don't think anyone's gonna listen.
Dr. Spencer Reid: What do you mean?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Come on, drunk college students don't exactly want to hear they shouldn't talk to strangers.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Right.
[goes to sit]
Emily Prentiss: [to Garcia on the webcam] Was there any DNA left on the scene?
Penelope Garcia: Uh, yeah. Too *much* DNA. This portion of The Garcia Show will be brought to you by the letter "I" for icky. The lab has recovered over a hundred different trace samples as multiple guests create a cesspool of DNA. Also, there is no way to determine the exact time of "secretion" or to eliminate anyone actually working at the hotel.

Penelope Garcia: This portion of the Garcia show will be brought to you by the letter I, for Icky.


"Criminal Minds: Sex, Birth, Death (#2.11)" (2006)
Special Agent Derek Morgan: How did she know to call Reid?
Penelope Garcia: Nathan set Reid's business card on the table before he cut himself. Like a suicide note.

Penelope Garcia: Come on! You and me, we're hitting town
Dr. Spencer Reid: No offence Garcia, but I'm not really feeling I make the, eh, best company right now
Penelope Garcia: Oh no! Up! Up! Do not make me hurt you!
[Reid sighs and gives in]
Penelope Garcia: There you go, very good.


"Criminal Minds: Nanny Dearest (#8.21)" (2013)
Penelope Garcia: [phone rings] Hallelujah, this place is dead. Give me a job, give me a job.
David Rossi: Garcia, I need you to check the health records of all five kids that the UnSub returned. Any special needs, any medications.
Penelope Garcia: Okey-dokey artichokey. Ah. Everyone healthy as a horse. That's super healthy. Clean bill. Nothing.
David Rossi: Thanks, Garcia.
Penelope Garcia: Really? That's all? But I have so many skills to help. Please? Hello?

Aaron Hotchner: [Phone rings] What have you got, Garcia?
Penelope Garcia: What I've got is a promotion coming, 'cause damn I am good!


"Criminal Minds: The Sandman (#11.17)" (2016)
Derek Morgan: [On the phone] What you got, baby girl?
Penelope Garcia: What I've got is fail, fail, and more fail
David Rossi: Remember Thomas Alva Edison, Penelope: "I have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work"
Penelope Garcia: Okay, let me rephrase what I just said: I currently waist-deep in what's not working

Dr. Spencer Reid: You know, send me all the police, hospital, and child services transcripts associated with the cases
Penelope Garcia: Everything on all of them?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Yeah, I'll print out hard copies here
Penelope Garcia: Okay, you're gonna need a forklift and I hope you're using recyclable paper, but... on its way
Dr. Spencer Reid: All right, thank you so much, Garcia


"Criminal Minds: Burn (#10.2)" (2014)
Penelope Garcia: [closing quote] "It doesn't take a lot of strength to hang on, it takes a lot of strength to let go" - J.C. Watts

Warden: Name?
Penelope Garcia: [approaches booth] Penelope Garcia, I'm here to see Greg Baylor?
Warden: You're not on the list. Next!
Penelope Garcia: Wait! I'm... I'm from the FBI, I left a message!
Warden: Oh, yeah, that Garcia. He said he didn't want to see you. Next!


"Criminal Minds: Lo-Fi (#3.20)" (2008)
Penelope Garcia: [while entering the plane] How come I only get to travel with you guys only like every two years?
Derek Morgan: Trust me mama, it can get old
Penelope Garcia: Oh, right, like the way spa treatments in five star hotels can get old
Emily Prentiss: Remember the time we get onboard and they hadn't chilled the crystal?
Derek Morgan: Oh, I almost quit the BAU that day!
Penelope Garcia: Hey, you know what? You guys can joke all you like, 'cause I am never leaving this plane!

Penelope Garcia: What's your operating system?
Lisa Bartleby: Oh. Linux OS with 6 Gigs Ram
Penelope Garcia: And dual quad core 3Gh processor, with a GeForce 8800 Ultra extreme vid-card and a Cisco ASA 5500 firewall.
Lisa Bartleby: Yeah
Penelope Garcia: Bitchin'!


"Criminal Minds: Plain Sight (#1.4)" (2005)
Penelope Garcia: Go for Ms Penelope Garcia.
Elle Greenaway: You ready with the trap and trace?
Penelope Garcia: Peaches, this is the Office of Unmitigated Superiority. I am always ready. With the awesome power I have in this room, all I need is fifteen seconds on the phone to nail this skeevy perv.
Elle Greenaway: Fifteen seconds?
Penelope Garcia: If that.

Penelope Garcia: [Answering the phone] Office of unfettered omniscience. Penelope Garcia is in. Speak, oh fortunate one


"Criminal Minds: Dorado Falls (#7.3)" (2011)
Derek Morgan: So, Synalock is clean.
Penelope Garcia: As a whistle. Which reminds me, you know how to whistle, don't you? You just put your lips together and blow.
Derek Morgan: I love it when you talk old movies. Later, baby girl.

Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, it's an empty lot with a cell phone repeater. Give me a rundown on the buildings in the area and the years that they were built.
Penelope Garcia: All over it like cat hair on a sofa. BTW, I can usually locate a cell phone within 3 meters, but sometimes there are circumstances beyond my control, like physical barriers blocking a signal, not being in the satellite's direct line of sight, which bounces the signal to a repeater.
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, tell me you've got something.
Penelope Garcia: Sorry. Yes, I have something.


"Criminal Minds: Protection (#10.22)" (2015)
Derek Morgan: [Phone rings] Hey Baby Girl, what's good?
Penelope Garcia: Hooray, happy breathing! I wasn't invited! What's the occasion?
Derek Morgan: I was just having a run with JJ
Penelope Garcia: Uh, that's boring. See, couldn't you just make something up so satiate my fabulous filthy imagination?
Derek Morgan: Cut it out

David Rossi: So, there's no way that was a mugging?
Penelope Garcia: No, no! Unless it's some sort, you know, bizarre universe with a square planet, where things are like the exact opposite, totally the same


"Criminal Minds: Breath Play (#10.17)" (2015)
Penelope Garcia: [Rossi calls her] I am yours, give it to me! Wait! Sir, I meant that in the "how can help you?"-way, not in the... 'cause you're super lovely! And I am on speaker, aren't I?
David Rossi: Garcia, what can you tell us about the romance novel Bare Reflections?
Penelope Garcia: I can tell you it's very popular. And let me see, typing and checking and typing and... it is way more popular than I thought

Penelope Garcia: Looking for past high-risk victims outside of Madison was completely ingenious, because now we getting somewhere! I mean fool me once and all that, but don't worry, you're not going to be able to fool me twice, because I'm a gonna get you...
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia!
Penelope Garcia: Sorry, sir, I... I am super pumped, because I've used my complete and total bad assery-ness to bust and move through layers of local legal bureaucracy!


"Criminal Minds: Scared to Death (#3.3)" (2007)
Derek Morgan: Baby girl, there's nothing to know. I hit a couple of buttons when I got stuck. That's it. What do you want?
Penelope Garcia: And?
Derek Morgan: Okay, I freaked out, a little bit.

Derek Morgan: What the hell is that?
Penelope Garcia: I've beyond googled this! To the untrained eye it looks totally legit, 'cause someone went to a great length to make the website decent, the articles are well written. But, as my brilliant and bespectacled eyes can see, they all lead to dead ends!


"Criminal Minds: Parasite (#5.14)" (2010)
Derek Morgan: Hey baby girl, it's me. You're on speaker.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, sug, I don't care who hears. It's always been you.

Emily Prentiss: Hey Garcia
Penelope Garcia: Em, I feel like I've been sent on a wild snipe hunt. Do you have any idea how many women in South Florida lease luxury cars and rent mansions? I will answer: too many! That's how many!


"Criminal Minds: The Edge of Winter (#9.19)" (2014)
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia, have you found any connection at all between the victims?
Penelope Garcia: They have as much in common as dinosaurs and goldfish: the cracker kind!

Penelope Garcia: He is a part time electrician, full time alcoholic!


"Criminal Minds: The Fisher King: Part 1 (#1.22)" (2006)
Jennifer "JJ" Jareau: Please don't tell me you have a crush on a fictional character.
Penelope Garcia: He's not fictional. He's the online alter ego of a real person.
Jennifer "JJ" Jareau: [skeptically] Hmm-hmm. But you don't know anything about him. Or even if he is a "him".
Penelope Garcia: Okay, you know what? I do- look, we meet online at specified times that he is never late to. We spend hours adventuring and chatting, during which time I have his undivided attention, and he lavishes me with flattery.
Jennifer "JJ" Jareau: Wow...
Penelope Garcia: When was the last time you had a date go that well?

Penelope Garcia: [aggitated] All work and no play, huh? All work and no play? You just wait until I am through with you!
[picks up ringing phone]
Penelope Garcia: What?
Derek Morgan: Garcia, I need a rundown on a guy
Penelope Garcia: No!
Derek Morgan: What?
Penelope Garcia: The information super highway is closed.
Derek Morgan: What you're talking about?
Penelope Garcia: Someone had the nerve to run a black hat op into my computers, Morgan. They hacked me, okay? You can bet your sweet ass I will find them! I've got honey pot farms hidden behind UML kernel data packets and a first generation honey net I personally programmed. My snort logs every visitor, every server request, every keystroke on this entire network. If I had to backtrack his IP all the way to the freaking stone age, I will find this son of a bitch! So bye


"Criminal Minds: The Hunt (#10.23)" (2015)
Penelope Garcia: [Kate enters] Welcome to the dark forest. Enter at your own risk.

Aaron Hotchner: Alright, find the website?
Penelope Garcia: On it and... sweet mother Gross! It's the Tinder for sociopaths!


"Criminal Minds: Big Sea (#6.23)" (2011)
Penelope Garcia: Enchantress of all things possible, use your imagination.

Dr. Spencer Reid: The wounds on the thigh show hesitation marks. An unsub this experienced wouldn't display that.
Derek Morgan: I don't think the unsub did. The angle indicates left-handed dominance. The file says this guy was left-handed, too.
Dr. Spencer Reid: You know, if he'd been given trilamide, the unsub could have forced him to cut himself. It makes sense for a sadist with abandonment issues, but wouldn't he finish the job?
Derek Morgan: The victim must have gotten a chance to escape and took it.
Dr. Spencer Reid: But how? The trilamide kept him compliant enough to hurt himself. It overcame his self-preservation instinct.
Derek Morgan: Well, then another instinct must have been stronger.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Like what?
Derek Morgan: A protective one. This guy was mentally and physically compromised, but he still went after the unsub with everything he had.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Who would he fight that hard for?
[cut to Morgan on the phone with Garcia]
Derek Morgan: A child, Garcia. Search nationwide missing persons reports for men traveling with their kids.
Penelope Garcia: Am I looking for a son or daughter?
Derek Morgan: We don't know yet.
Penelope Garcia: No, no, I'm sorry, honey. No dice. Hey, what if they're not reported as missing yet?
Derek Morgan: Yeah, of course not. When the unsub met them, they were starting over. All right, baby girl, new deal. USPS changes of address notices, people moving into Florida and South Carolina.
Penelope Garcia: Done.
Derek Morgan: All right, eliminate women, wives, couples. Narrow it down to men only.
Penelope Garcia: So... so we're thinking divorced dad here, right?
Derek Morgan: Yeah, but not just any divorced dad. This guy wants as much distance between his son and his ex-wife as possible. So look for custody disputes, injunctions, allegations. The messier, the better, Garcia.


"Criminal Minds: Closing Time (#7.14)" (2012)
Derek Morgan: [At the end of their phone call] Thank you, crazy
Penelope Garcia: Any time. Fantasy Fatale bids you good day

Derek Morgan: Hey, baby girl. Tell me you got something good.
Penelope Garcia: Hey. The M.E. report came back, and... none of the victims were sexually assaulted, aside from that unfortunate appendage removal thing.


"Criminal Minds: Demonology (#4.17)" (2009)
Emily Prentiss: [entering the BAU office] Is Hotch still here?
Penelope Garcia: Oh, I'm pretty sure he lives here.

Dr. Spencer Reid: Garcia? It's Reid
Penelope Garcia: Speak, Boy Wonder


"Criminal Minds: No Way Out (#2.13)" (2007)
Jennifer Jareau: [Enters Garcia's computer room] Hey Garcia?
Penelope Garcia: [Dozed away, now wakes up] AUGH! I like knocking!

Derek Morgan: Garcia's gonna love this
[takes a picture of a body]
Penelope Garcia: Oh, it's so not the way to a girl's heart


"Criminal Minds: 100 (#5.9)" (2009)
Erin Strauss: [with false solicitude] Are you all right?
Penelope Garcia: [nervous and stammering] I'm just not comfortable with any of this. It's not OK.
Erin Strauss: [sits across from Penelope] What do you mean?
Penelope Garcia: In my opinion? Everyone is asking the wrong questions. Doesn't anyone care what The Reaper did to them? The people he hurt? All anyone seems to care about is... it just isn't right.
Erin Strauss: Do you think Agent Hotchner was acting... agitated or unreasonable?
Penelope Garcia: He... no. No! He... he was freaked out about his family... which, considering what happened, was perfectly reasonable.

Penelope Garcia: He is creepy good
Dr. Spencer Reid: How good?
Penelope Garcia: He wiped his hard drive. Might have been in a hurry to leave, but whatever was on there he did not want us to see it
Derek Morgan: Garcia, tell me that you hacked in and you can rebuild it
Penelope Garcia: Watch me work, darling


"Criminal Minds: The Angel Maker (#4.2)" (2008)
[searching through birth records to find a woman who had a serial killer's child]
Penelope Garcia: We'll do single mothers only, in case she wanted to keep the father a secret. You know, didn't want to brag. "Oh, your baby daddy's a third grade teacher, well, mine likes to poke people in the stomach with tools, so there."

Penelope Garcia: Did you know that John Wayne Gacy painted clowns? A murdering pedophile paints clowns and people hang them on their walls. It's creepy on so many levels. I mean, clowns...
Derek Morgan: Garcia? I didn't know you had that hang up
Emily Prentiss: Coulrophobia, abnormal fear of clowns
Penelope Garcia: Oh, no, there's nothing abnormal about it. When I was 12, a hobo clown groped my breasts at a birthday party and made this old timey honking noise when he did it! Apparently making it funny, makes it okay


"Criminal Minds: The Job (#11.1)" (2015)
Penelope Garcia: [closing quotation, voiceover] "Courage is grace under pressure." - Ernest Hemingway.

Penelope Garcia: But we're still down two profilers
David Rossi: Our five minds against his one, my money is still on us


"Criminal Minds: Faceless, Nameless (#5.1)" (2009)
Penelope Garcia: [to Reid on the phone] Okay, do you want biological information or full medical charts?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Can you *get* the full medical charts?
Penelope Garcia: You know for a smart boy you still ask a lot of *dumb* questions.

Penelope Garcia: [Picks up the phone] Emily?
Derek Morgan: No, sorry, Baby Girl, just little old me. You're out of luck
Penelope Garcia: Right, sorry


"Criminal Minds: Children of the Dark (#3.4)" (2007)
Derek Morgan: Hey girl, you're on speaker. Behave.
Penelope Garcia: Or what, you'll spank me?

Emily Prentiss: Hey Garcia, it's Em
Penelope Garcia: Why cats?
Penelope Garcia: Sorry?
Penelope Garcia: Evil has no boundaries!
Emily Prentiss: Well, for what's worth, I think they go peacefully


"Criminal Minds: Internal Affairs (#11.9)" (2015)
Derek Morgan: Hey baby girl, I need you to look into something for me
Penelope Garcia: Tell me it's your melted chocolate eyes, because I'm so there
Derek Morgan: Likewise, but first things first, silly girl

Aaron Hotchner: Am I right? You're doing all right?
Penelope Garcia: Well, uh, I don't really have a choice, do I?
Aaron Hotchner: No
Penelope Garcia: Well, then yes. I am hunky dorky, I am


"Criminal Minds: Amplification (#4.24)" (2009)
Penelope Garcia: I can't be my usual sparkly self when you are where you are.

Penelope Garcia: I'm not good at this part. Every time you guys go away, I... I know you're in all kinds of ginormous danger and all I can do is sit here in my bubble and I hope and pray and I wish my babies to come back to me
[sighs]
Penelope Garcia: I try to stay positive, but... I don't know how to do this
Jennifer Jareau: If you could do anything to keep your family safe, even if it meant breaking procedure, would you?
Penelope Garcia: Yes! What procedure?
Jennifer Jareau: Never mind


"Criminal Minds: Aftermath (#2.5)" (2006)
Derek Morgan: Oh, one last favor. Look up the words sexy and brilliant in that computer of yours and tell me what you come up with.
Penelope Garcia: Look at that, it's me.
Derek Morgan: You are a goddess woman, ciao.
[Flicks the phone shut. Women in the waiting room are staring at him]
Derek Morgan: It was a... It was a work call.

[Phone rings]
Penelope Garcia: Dayton, Ohia, you're on the air
Derek Morgan: I'd like to make a request
Penelope Garcia: With that sultry voice? You name it!


"Criminal Minds: The Fisher King: Part 2 (#2.1)" (2006)
Dr. Spencer Reid: My mom used to read me that. It's widely considered as the first Valentine's poem
Penelope Garcia: Your mom read you Valentine's poems? Hello therapy!

Dr. Spencer Reid: I should have realized this sooner, and looking at those things and realizes the fact that JJ collects butterflies, except for me. People tell me their secrets all the time. Think it's 'cause they know I don't have anyone to betray them to... except my mother... I... tell her pretty much everything
Penelope Garcia: I don't think anyone would mind
Dr. Spencer Reid: You know I write her a letter every day?
Penelope Garcia: That's nice
Dr. Spencer Reid: Depends on... why
Penelope Garcia: What'd you mean?
Dr. Spencer Reid: I write her a letter, so I won't feel so guilty about not visiting her
[Garcia frowns]
Dr. Spencer Reid: You know schizophrenia is genetically passed?


"Criminal Minds: What Fresh Hell? (#1.12)" (2006)
Jason Gideon: [Garcia knocks on his door] Yeah?
Penelope Garcia: Thank you for the flowers.
[Reads from the card]
Penelope Garcia: '"I know I can be challenging, but your work is appreciated", J. Gideon'. I appreciate your appreciation. And btw you're not challenging. Oh, no, you're totally challenging, but you're not challenging at all in a bad way, sir.
[Looks at some picture]
Penelope Garcia: Hey, is this your family?
Jason Gideon: Yeah, sort of
Penelope Garcia: Nice. Thanks again for the flowers
[turns around around to leave, passes JJ who just entered]
Penelope Garcia: Hey
Jennifer Jareau: Hey
Jason Gideon: What the hell does btw mean?
Jennifer Jareau: Internet shorthand for: by the way. You sent Garcia flowers?
Jason Gideon: No

Penelope Garcia: Penelope Gracia's house of "How May I Save Your Ass Today?"
Derek Morgan: You can give me sex offenders registry for Wilmington, Delaware
Penelope Garcia: Ah, that's always a fun group!


"Criminal Minds: Retaliation (#5.11)" (2009)
Penelope Garcia: Well, what we do know is that he robbed 15 banks in the state of New York in the 90s. However, what your resident glamour puss, smarty pants just found out is that most of the money was never recovered

Aaron Hotchner: Yeah, but I want every single employee in the year that he was arrested
Penelope Garcia: Okay, give me a minute
Derek Morgan: A whole minute? Come on, baby girl. What, you're losing your touch?
Penelope Garcia: Oh, watch your pretty mouth! Personnel files are come at you now


"Criminal Minds: Anonymous (#10.12)" (2015)
Penelope Garcia: You know, I would love one day to interrupt you on the jet to report you that a stray puppy was found and saved and given the best home ever, but it's not gonna to be today, because there's been another shooting!

Penelope Garcia: She passed away two hours ago
Aaron Hotchner: But she hasn't been transferred to the ME yet, has she?
Penelope Garcia: I don't know how you know that, but no, she hasn't! If you give me a nanosecond I will tell you why that that is... It's because...
Aaron Hotchner: Because her organs are being recovered
Penelope Garcia: Because her organs are being recovered. Sir, you frequently amaze me a little, but sometimes you amaze me a lot!


"Criminal Minds: The Fight (#5.18)" (2010)
Penelope Garcia: [replying to Cooper] Roger that. I'm gonna hack like the wind. Prepare to be wowed, sir.

Penelope Garcia: [Picks up the phone] Talk to me
Sam Cooper: Penelope Garcia? Sam Cooper
Penelope Garcia: Sam Cooper? As I live and breathe, and here I thought you were a story someone invented!


"Criminal Minds: The Return (#9.8)" (2013)
Penelope Garcia: You are not really looking at my project. You always look at my projects, Derek. What's wrong?
Derek Morgan: Ah, Baby Girl, I am sorry. I don't know, but me and Savannah we had like this amazing night and it cut to 4 hours later and she throwing me an air kiss and rushing out the door to work and I got stuck at 2 o'clock in the morning, walking her little pup
Penelope Garcia: Oh, you got Morgan-ed
Derek Morgan: Morganed? What? What are you talking about?
Penelope Garcia: You are on call, 24/7 and when a case comes in, you drop whatever and whoever you are doing and whole ass back to work
Derek Morgan: Well I guess I never thought about it like that
Penelope Garcia: And now you have what Oprah calls an aha-moment. Think about it: if you would have gotten the call, you would have done exactly the same thing to her. Because your job comes first and so does hers. And that's why you two work
Derek Morgan: Sigh
Penelope Garcia: Oh my gosh, she is you in heels
Derek Morgan: You're right
Penelope Garcia: I am always right. Also you are secretly in love with me.

Jennifer Jareau: Another missing kid?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, this is where it goes from whack to super whack with a side of awful


"Criminal Minds: Normal (#4.11)" (2008)
Derek Morgan: [while holding JJ's baby] What's he doing? He's smiling at Derek Morgan.
Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia: [Together] Gas!

Penelope Garcia: Give it to me
Derek Morgan: Hey Baby, can you pull up a map of the crime scene area for me?
Penelope Garcia: Sugar, I could shut down the power grid of the whole city if you told me to


"Criminal Minds: Pay It Forward (#8.19)" (2013)
Penelope Garcia: [Morgan's phone rings] Penelope Garcia beaming in.
Derek Morgan: Hey, throw me a bone, baby girl.
Penelope Garcia: Lover, I'm tossing you a 24-ounce tofu steak.

Penelope Garcia: So either she went way off the grid or changed her identity again, 'cause I can't find her. So I'm reattaching my snorkel and goggles, diving back in


"Criminal Minds: Middle Man (#6.7)" (2010)
Aaron Hotchner: [Garcia has bought the team new computer tablets] Garcia, not that I don't appreciate your efforts, but where exactly did the funding for these come from?
Penelope Garcia: I did a thing.
Aaron Hotchner: A thing?
Penelope Garcia: Best not talk about the thing.

Emily Prentiss: Whoa!
Penelope Garcia: Welcome to the 21st century.
Emily Prentiss: Yay, technology.
Penelope Garcia: Behold. Everyone has a new tablet.
Dr. Spencer Reid: [frowning] We've gone paperless?
Penelope Garcia: Fear not, doctor of the Dark Ages. I went old school for your anti-technology quirk. Paper files, hard copy photos. But the abacus is your responsibility.


"Criminal Minds: No Way Out, Part II: The Evilution of Frank (#2.23)" (2007)
Penelope Garcia: Oh JJ! It's Friday night! The cute guy from counter terrorism! Three cocktails in, I am looking at second base, so this better be good!
Jennifer Jareau: It's far from good!

Penelope Garcia: [alone, scared in a car] Nervous whistle. Stop it. Everything is... everything is cool, Garci.
[takes a deep breath]
Penelope Garcia: Gorgeous tech-kitten found in lonely, dark parking lot. Throat slashed, ear to ear... horrific... tragic... with the very files of one of the most prolific serial killers ever. Tonight he remains at large... the blood of Quantico finest
[Jason opens car door]
Penelope Garcia: Oh God! Oh my God!
Jason Gideon: Drive
Penelope Garcia: You're right, drive! Yes drive! Drive where?
Jason Gideon: Just drive
Penelope Garcia: Just drive, just drive
[and drives away]


"Criminal Minds: Mirror Image (#12.7)" (2016)
Penelope Garcia: [after telling the team about Tara's brother and realize they all already know] who am I the *last* to know.
Dr. Spencer Reid: It was an experiment. She wanted to time how long you could keep a private conversation "private". And you made it
[looks at his watch]
Dr. Spencer Reid: 12 hours.
Luke Alvez: Damn! I had you down for six!
Penelope Garcia: [to the entire team] . You know guys, I thought you were my friends, it you all *suck*!
[to Alvez]
Penelope Garcia: Especially *you* new guy! But then, always* suck!

Dr. Tara Lewis: I was just checking to see if we have a case
Emily Prentiss: We don't
Dr. Tara Lewis: We don't?
Emily Prentiss: No, I can double check, but...
[sees Garcia walking outside her room]
Emily Prentiss: Eh Garcia?
Penelope Garcia: [Rushes in] Ma'am?
Emily Prentiss: Please, stop calling me that! Eh, we've not been called in anywhere, haven we?
Penelope Garcia: No! As of 9:27 Eastern Standard Time, all serial killers have taken a day off, maybe they went to therapy


"Criminal Minds: Hopeless (#5.4)" (2009)
Aaron Hotchner: Gracia, check social networking sites, see if the unsubs have coordinatted these attacks online
Penelope Garcia: If they dare tweet, I'll flush them out like a birddog, sir

Derek Morgan: [First call after their argument] Hey girl
Penelope Garcia: [down] Hey. We're good?
Derek Morgan: Yeah, we're good
Penelope Garcia: [smiling again] What do you need?


"Criminal Minds: Alchemy (#8.20)" (2013)
Derek Morgan: [phone rings] Hey mama, tell me something I don't know.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, hot chocolate, the thing I could spill to you...
Derek Morgan: Hey, hey, you're on speaker.

Penelope Garcia: [Presenting at the team briefing] ... but he's not the first victim. The first victim...
[pressing a button on the remote, nothing happens]
Penelope Garcia: Oh, squeeze it! It gets stuck... sometimes. Do you want me to take over?
Dr. Spencer Reid: I got it
[presses hard, pictures get distorted]
Dr. Spencer Reid: Yeah, maybe you're better
Penelope Garcia: [Takes over the remote from Reid] I have to memorize it, so I don't have to look at the gross!


"Criminal Minds: Ashes and Dust (#2.19)" (2007)
Jason Gideon: For them fire is just a substitute for sexual release
Penelope Garcia: Oh great! So, if these guys don't get laid, they start fires?
Jason Gideon: Or in this case, burn entire families to death
Emily Prentiss: No statistic?
Jason Gideon: No, they don't have statistics on this guy. One of a kind
Penelope Garcia: Thank God!

Penelope Garcia: She shoots... she scores... the crowd goes wild...
[... ]
Dr. Spencer Reid: It's Garcia on line one
Penelope Garcia: Brace yourselves. I am gonna teach you the meaning of LUST!
Jason Gideon: Did she say: lust?
Penelope Garcia: Mm, mm, I cross-referenced every known fact on the victims and I just found a website that links both Dennis Cutler and Matthew Jarvis' companies: a list of companies guilty of L.U.S.T.
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: I am missing something
Penelope Garcia: Leaking Underground Storage Tanks


"Criminal Minds: The Eyes Have It (#5.6)" (2009)
Penelope Garcia: [Phone rings] That's our technical analyst. Hey Garcia, you're on speaker phone
Penelope Garcia: So, I looked up recently released mental health patients who have a history of eye gauging, eye assault and other gross things you can do to eyes and sockets and there's no bingo for O'key city residents
Aaron Hotchner: Any recent attacks involving assaults on eyes?
Penelope Garcia: There's one, nine month ago. He's not you guy 'cause he's in jail
Aaron Hotchner: We'll call you later
Penelope Garcia: 10-4, breaker, breaker

Derek Morgan: Woman, you have lost your mind! But you are the best
Penelope Garcia: I completely agree


"Criminal Minds: Fatal (#9.22)" (2014)
Derek Morgan: Hey baby girl, I need you to work that magic of yours
Penelope Garcia: Rub my lamp, release the Genie

Penelope Garcia: A fighting bull like moi looks for nothing else


"Criminal Minds: 52 Pickup (#4.9)" (2008)
Penelope Garcia: Sir, does this guy stuff actually work on real breathing girls?
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: Why are you asking me?
Penelope Garcia: I abhor the whole chicks dig jerks thing
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: Fortunately, you're one of the exceptions!
Penelope Garcia: Well, huh, be still my bespeckled heart! So are you, sir
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: Thanks


"Criminal Minds: Public Enemy (#5.15)" (2010)
Aaron Hotchner: Garica, are you there?
Penelope Garcia: Wired for sound, ready for action


"Criminal Minds: Hanley Waters (#6.20)" (2011)
Penelope Garcia: Florida's a stand-your-ground state.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Castle Doctrine based on English common law that allows homeowners to use deadly force to protect their land.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, it's a highfalutin way of saying that the gun laws are lax at best. After the 2008 elections, the Floridians were nervous about losing their second amendment rights, and gun sales shot through the roof, pun intended.


"Criminal Minds: The Uncanny Valley (#5.12)" (2010)
Penelope Garcia: Okay, guys, I just got Samantha Malcolm's medical records, and... oh, my God, she was doomed. Like Emily Bronte doomed, like Shakespeare doomed, like red-shirted ensign in "Star Trek" doomed.


"Criminal Minds: Extreme Aggressor (#1.1)" (2005)
Penelope Garcia: You've reached Penelope Garcia in the FBI's Office of Supreme Genius.
Derek Morgan: Hey, it's Morgan. Need you to work some magic here. I got a program called Deadbolt Defense and a girl who has only a couple hours to live, so what do you know?
Penelope Garcia: Then you got a problem. Deadbolt's the #1 password crack-resistant software out there. You're gonna have to get inside this guy's head to get the password.
Derek Morgan: I thought I was calling the Office of Supreme Genius.
Penelope Garcia: Well, gorgeous, you've been rerouted to the Office of Too Friggin' Bad.
Derek Morgan: Thanks anyway.


"Criminal Minds: Profiler, Profiled (#2.12)" (2006)
Jennifer Jareau: [JJ, Garcia and Reid look at a black film capsule on Reid's desk] Nothing is happening
Dr. Spencer Reid: [high pitch voice] Sst! Watch!
Penelope Garcia: [capsule lifts off] Ah!
Emily Prentiss: [walks in and gets hit by capsule] Oh! Au! What?
Dr. Spencer Reid: I am so sorry, I am
Emily Prentiss: What was that?
Penelope Garcia: Don't you recognize a rocket when you see one?
Dr. Spencer Reid: I was merely demonstrating a physics law, I... I didn't mean to...
Emily Prentiss: Oh, show me!
Dr. Spencer Reid: Alright, eh, turn around please!
Emily Prentiss: Turn around?
Jennifer Jareau: Yeah, he's not going to show you how it's done
Dr. Spencer Reid: Magician doesn't reveal its secrets
Emily Prentiss: I thought you said it was physics!
Dr. Spencer Reid: Physics magic!
Penelope Garcia: Trust me: it will do not any good to argue with him
Dr. Spencer Reid: [Prepares the rocket] Alright, alright, turn back and observe
Jennifer Jareau, Penelope Garcia, Emily Prentiss: Oh!
Aaron Hotchner: [Picks rocket up which landed just before his feet] Physics magic?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Yes sir!
Aaron Hotchner: Reid, we talked about this.
Dr. Spencer Reid: I am sorry sir!
Aaron Hotchner: [Smiles] Well you really start to get some distance on this!
Emily Prentiss: So he does have a sense of humor?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Sometimes.


"Criminal Minds: Soul Mates (#4.12)" (2009)
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, just because you delete your history, it doesn't mean all your dirty cyber laundry isn't hanging out there for me to find on your hard drive. Rookie mistake!


"Criminal Minds: Awake (#11.8)" (2015)
Aaron Hotchner: You'll be here and an agent will be assigned until further notice
Penelope Garcia: This is horrible
Aaron Hotchner: Witness protection wanted to move you to another state, I convinced them that you would be saver here
Penelope Garcia: Thank you for that. Okay, I need to go home, making my creature comfort things
Aaron Hotchner: Garcia! This starts now
Penelope Garcia: What do you...? What about Sergio? I have plants, I need to water
Aaron Hotchner: Make a list and I'll send someone to pick up whatever you need
Penelope Garcia: [Starts writing, hands over the list] Wait
[draws hand back and adds more to the list, hands over again]
Penelope Garcia: Thank you. Oh
[draws had back and adds even more]
Penelope Garcia: Oh... who's getting this stuff?
Aaron Hotchner: Anderson
Penelope Garcia: [Starts scratching from the list] He can't see that! But I really need it...
[adds it back to the list]


"Criminal Minds: Painless (#7.4)" (2011)
Penelope Garcia: Does anyone remember this picture?
David Rossi: Hotch and I were there. That's Principal Doug Givens. We had to drag him to safety.
Emily Prentiss: High school bombing in Boise, right?
Jennifer Jareau: School shooter *and* school bomber. A kid named Randy Slade shot three students, and then set off an IED in the cafeteria via cell phone, killing himself and thirteen kids total, but not before posting all of his plans online. It was one of those "where were you?" events. My whole campus was glued to the TV.


"Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders: Denial (#1.3)" (2016)
Russ Montgomery: What special honor brings you to my office?
Penelope Garcia: Where's my octopus coffee mug?
Russ Montgomery: Excuse me?
Penelope Garcia: Uh-uh, don't! Beth, from carpool, told me she saw you take it from the kitchen
[start searching the office]
Russ Montgomery: Have you asked yourself why you're listening to someone whose glasses are thicker than old coke bottles?
Penelope Garcia: Beth's stigmatism has no bearing on her veracity
Russ Montgomery: I think Beth is just a little bitter that someone didn't give her a call back after the first date.
Penelope Garcia: What?
[stops searching]
Russ Montgomery: She had an indefensible position on Moore's Law
Penelope Garcia: Semiconductor density is a super sexy topic! With transistors approaching single atom width, Moore's law is only relevant for...
Russ Montgomery: She thought it was invented by Roger Moore and enforced by the 007
Penelope Garcia: Oh, but it doesn't preclude her having seen you taking my octopus cup fof drinking
Russ Montgomery: Except the fact that I don't drink coffee
Penelope Garcia: Oh, good point. Hug it out?
Russ Montgomery: Not necessary.
[Garcia hugs him anyway]
Russ Montgomery: Okay
Penelope Garcia: [while walking out of the room] LAN-party, Wednesday, my crib
Russ Montgomery: Of course, I'll bring the bean dip
Penelope Garcia: BYOC
Russ Montgomery: [Checks Garcia has left] I don't drink coffee
[walks to a drawer]
Russ Montgomery: and do enjoy
[opens it, and picks out the octopus mug]
Russ Montgomery: a nice cup of tea


"Criminal Minds: Derailed (#1.9)" (2005)
Penelope Garcia: [Picks up the phone] Cómo se dice "Hottie"?
Derek Morgan: Garcia?
Penelope Garcia: Precisely!


"Criminal Minds: The Popular Kids (#1.10)" (2005)
Penelope Garcia: One guy owns a bunch of shoe stores up and down the eastern seaboard
Jennifer "JJ" Jareau: Is he married?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, story of my life, Sunshine


"Criminal Minds: Mr. Scratch (#10.21)" (2015)
Derek Morgan: Do we know who in witness protection?
Penelope Garcia: Well, that's the $64,000 question, isn't it? And I will pay you the $64,000 if you can answer it!


"Criminal Minds: The Bond (#11.13)" (2016)
Penelope Garcia: [Picks up the phone] Green for go


"Criminal Minds: Minimal Loss (#4.3)" (2008)
Derek Morgan: Garcia, what do we got on Cyrus?
Penelope Garcia: Um... we've got bupkis. It's like the guy never cast a shadow on the known universe. However, his predecessor, Leo Cane, is doing a seventeen year stretch at Dearfield Federal Prison. Apparently, Libertarians do not like paying taxes.
Derek Morgan: Seventeen years for tax evasion?
Penelope Garcia: Oh, no. That would be two years for tax evasion and fifteen for going after four IRS agents with a Louisville Slugger.


"Criminal Minds: Masterpiece (#4.8)" (2008)
Penelope Garcia: There must be some sort of mathematic equation to do this. Should have paid more attention in algebra. Hmm, note to self: get dr. Reid in here a.s.a.p!


"Criminal Minds: A Shade of Gray (#4.21)" (2009)
Penelope Garcia: [Phone rings] Tell me something, sunshine
Jennifer Jareau: Eh, Garcia, I need your brain and your computer system
Penelope Garcia: They're one and the same


"Criminal Minds: A Place at the Table (#10.20)" (2015)
Dr. Spencer Reid: I heard you were hungry so I thought I might bring you a little surprise
Penelope Garcia: What good is in this? It's a croissant and it's still warm! Oh, you love me and I love you! I... I know I flirt with Derek, but that's like animal blood in the nostrils kind of thing. What we have is a pure transcendent, blueberry filled...


"Criminal Minds: North Mammon (#2.7)" (2006)
Penelope Garcia: He who seeks the Queen of All Knowledge speak and be recognized
Dr. Spencer Reid: Garcia, we are sending you some cigarettes
Penelope Garcia: Uh, a flesh eating virus would be faster and far less painful
Dr. Spencer Reid: We need some butts to rush to the lab for DNA analysis
Penelope Garcia: Oh Reid, I love it when you say "butt"! Send away sugar; bang bang for now.


"Criminal Minds: In Heat (#3.17)" (2008)
Penelope Garcia: [Entering the meeting room way too late] I'm so sorry
Emily Prentiss: Hey, half day today?
Penelope Garcia: The alarm, sir, I overslept, I am so sorry
Aaron Hotchner: Everyone is allowed to be late. Once!


"Criminal Minds: The Forever People (#10.11)" (2015)
Penelope Garcia: All this talk of cold makes me cold. Is that weird?
Derek Morgan: Nothing weird about that, Baby Girl!


"Criminal Minds: The Boogeyman (#2.6)" (2006)
Dr. Spencer Reid: Did you get anything?
Penelope Garcia: Only that the Finnigans House on the hill is a Bates Hotel of its own Ozona, Texas
Dr. Spencer Reid: I know, I heard the legend
Penelope Garcia: Reid, seriously, people that go into that house supposedly never come out! Spooky
Dr. Spencer Reid: Garcia! Could you please pretend not to enjoy that rumor so much, as I'd actually entered the house?
Penelope Garcia: Sensitive! Sorry


"Criminal Minds: Our Darkest Hour (#5.23)" (2010)
Emily Prentiss: [Brings her laptop showing a video link with Garcia] Guys, Garcia has something
Penelope Garcia: Okay, everybody needs to sit down, 'cause I'm about to rock your world and not in the way I like to do it!


"Criminal Minds: What Happens at Home... (#6.10)" (2010)
Penelope Garcia: [via phone] And that is the whole kit and caboodle on each of your 64 suspects. Nothing really stands out. They're all pretty plain.
Dr. Spencer Reid: That's pretty much the main issue we're going to have here.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. Vanilla doesn't make your job any easier.
Dr. Spencer Reid: No, it does not.
Penelope Garcia: So, how's it going with the agent whose father was a... You know?
Dr. Spencer Reid: How'd you know that?
Penelope Garcia: I might have looked into someone's hidden background... What? I am not gonna let some strange new person travel with my family and not find out who they are.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Well, she seems fine.
Penelope Garcia: What is that in your voice?
Dr. Spencer Reid: What's what in my voice?
Penelope Garcia: Oh, my God, you think she's pretty.
Dr. Spencer Reid: What? I never said that.
Penelope Garcia: You totally do. P.G. out, lover boy.


"Criminal Minds: Solitary Man (#5.17)" (2010)
Penelope Garcia: [Derek calls] It's your dime, mister Amazing


"Criminal Minds: The Big Game (#2.14)" (2007)
Derek Morgan: [picks up his cell phone] Yeah, talk to me, Baby Girl
Penelope Garcia: Are you at the crime scene?
Derek Morgan: Yeah
Penelope Garcia: Is there like a... a burgundy settee against one wall?
Derek Morgan: Uhm, if a settee is a low couch


"Criminal Minds: Supply and Demand (#6.24)" (2011)
David Rossi: What is it, kid?
Ashley Seaver: We only rescued seven victims today. What about the rest of these?
David Rossi: It never ends.
Derek Morgan: But today, I think we did good.
David Rossi: Yeah, we did.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, if we weren't so exhausted I would toast us.
Aaron Hotchner: [Hotch comes in] Good work, everybody. Go home and get some rest. Nobody needs to come in until nine... Thirty.
[Hotch leaves]
Penelope Garcia: We were supposed to talk... Has he ever left before us?
Derek Morgan: Baby girl, I don't blame him. It's been a long-ass day.
Penelope Garcia: Well, you heard the man.
David Rossi: Go home.


"Criminal Minds: Riding the Lightning (#1.14)" (2006)
Penelope Garcia: You guys do realize that visiting death rows is not part of my job description?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Garcia, this will be the first serial killer couple ever recorded for VICAP
Penelope Garcia: They slaughtered 13 young girls with blond hair! Hello!
[points to her own blond hair]


"Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior: Here Is the Fire (#1.5)" (2011)
Gina LaSalle: [Over the phone] Hey, Penelope, it's Gina. Can you map out where we are right now?
Penelope Garcia: Oh, my lady, you should know by now that I can do anything!


"Criminal Minds: Hero Worship (#10.14)" (2015)
Penelope Garcia: Nothing sticks out, but I am the queen of lots of things, including subtlety.
[JJ & Kate frown towards each other]
Penelope Garcia: Oh shut up, I am taking about deftly sift through information stuff!


"Criminal Minds: With Friends Like These (#6.19)" (2011)
Derek Morgan: Penelope, you gotta stop staring at her. Prentiss wouldn't want us to sulk. You know that.
Penelope Garcia: I'm not sulking. I'm surrounded by testosterone now.


"Criminal Minds: Cold Comfort (#4.14)" (2009)
Penelope Garcia: Reid, we need a D.O.B. on Prentiss.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Uh, 7:12am, October 12th, 197...
Emily Prentiss: [cuts Reid off] Hey!


"Criminal Minds: Profiling 101 (#7.22)" (2012)
Derek Morgan: In the meantime, Agent Rossi retired, but the BAU grew. We trained more profilers, hired tech analysts, press liaisons, and we even got our own resident genius.
Penelope Garcia, Dr. Spencer Reid: Thank you.


"Criminal Minds: 3rd Life (#3.12)" (2008)
Dr. Spencer Reid: [Garcia reads Lindsey's files] Sounds familiar
Penelope Garcia: It should! It's the exact life story of a girl named Lindsey in a book called The Emerald Sea of Dreams. I've read it like five times.


"Criminal Minds: Mosley Lane (#5.16)" (2010)
Penelope Garcia: [Typing on her computer] I don't think I'm gonna find anything and I am rarely wrong, so...
[a result pops up]
Penelope Garcia: I'm wrong!


"Criminal Minds: Devil's Backbone (#11.21)" (2016)
Jennifer Jareau: [Presses the intercom] Penelope?
Penelope Garcia: [Comes walking it] At your service
Jennifer Jareau: Oh? Hey!


"Criminal Minds: JJ (#6.2)" (2010)
Penelope Garcia: Okay, no that's... I'm supposed to say that this is a great opportunity, which it is. I don't know the way this place works without you. You're like the glue around here. Who's gonna make us feel safe?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: There's plenty of big, strong men around.
Penelope Garcia: See that, right there? Your total ignorance of how awesome you are is one of the 5,000 things I love about you.


"Criminal Minds: Brothers in Arms (#4.10)" (2008)
Penelope Garcia: Stay safe, my loves!
Emily Prentiss: Thanks, Garcia


"Criminal Minds: Outlaw (#11.4)" (2015)
Derek Morgan: [Picks up mobile] Hey, what've you got cooking, baby girl?
Penelope Garcia: Besides that I'm all hopped upon dark roast and Espresso beans?


"Criminal Minds: Somebody's Watching (#1.18)" (2006)
Penelope Garcia: [Picks up the phone] Oracle of Quantico. Speak if you're deign to hear truth


"Criminal Minds: Corazon (#6.12)" (2011)
Penelope Garcia: Attention, intrepid BAU adventurers. The land of Bermuda shorts, white leisure suits, and Sansabelt slacks requests your presence.
David Rossi: Vegas?
Derek Morgan: Arizona?
Emily Prentiss: Palm Springs?
Aaron Hotchner: Please.
Penelope Garcia: I was going to say Miami, but point well made about the dizzying number of locales with unfortunate fashion tendencies. Here we go.


"Criminal Minds: Omnivore (#4.18)" (2009)
Aaron Hotchner: Come in
Penelope Garcia: I found it. The Michigan Post, March 7th, 1998. Is that right?
[Hands paper to Hotch]
Aaron Hotchner: Uh.
[Reads advertisement in paper]
Aaron Hotchner: Yes
Penelope Garcia: 'Cause I found it, do I get to know what this is about?
Aaron Hotchner: The Reaper
Penelope Garcia: Like the Boston Reaper?
[Hotch nods yes]
Penelope Garcia: I didn't even know the BAU worked on that case
Aaron Hotchner: 1998, it was my first case for the BAU as lead profiler
Penelope Garcia: Correct me if I'm wrong, but we don't have a profile for the Reaper in our system, do we?
Aaron Hotchner: That'll be all Penelope. You can go home now
Penelope Garcia: Okay, good night sir
Aaron Hotchner: Good night


"Criminal Minds: Rock Creek Park (#10.18)" (2015)
Penelope Garcia: I found a smoking gun! Or at least the stuff that goes into the gun to make it smoke


"Criminal Minds: Into the Woods (#6.9)" (2010)
Penelope Garcia: Ten-year-old Daniel Lanham was reported missing while on a camp trip with his father last November. His remains were just discovered by hikers in Pennsylvania.
Dr. Spencer Reid: That's really close to the Appalachian Trail.
Penelope Garcia: The rangers are the ones calling us in.
Dr. Spencer Reid: The trail covers 14 states and is nearly 2,200 miles long. It's a miracle he was ever found.


"Criminal Minds: Foundation (#7.18)" (2012)
Penelope Garcia: This boy was found two hours ago in the middle of nowhere. Technically, he was found outside of Crawford, Arizona; my point is he has clearly been to super hell and escaped some sort of captivity.
Derek Morgan: Well, how do we know he wasn't just dropped off there?
Penelope Garcia: Well, he has fresh cuts on the bottom of his feet from the local cactus fields, and that's way from any through roads, and his skin is rubbed raw around his ankles from chains.
Derek Morgan: He must have had a chance to escape and he took it.
Emily Prentiss: Or the unsub could have had him in transit.
Penelope Garcia: My god, you guys, look at his eyes.
Jennifer Jareau: Yeah, he's jaundice. Probably hasn't seen daylight in a while.
Derek Morgan: Yeah, and there's a lot of scars here.
David Rossi: Those are the ones we can see.


"Criminal Minds: Cradle to Grave (#5.5)" (2009)
Penelope Garcia: Okay, know this: most adoption people are like the nicest, most dedicated people in the world. There are however real skeezy ones
Dr. Spencer Reid: How skeezy?
Penelope Garcia: Super skeezy. I've got a spreadsheet of one of them, expecting compensation for the baby I'm having
Derek Morgan: Something you want to tell me, Garcia?
Penelope Garcia: Uhm, that's the sad part, my prince. The genetically perfect offspring of Penelope Garcia and Derek Morgan wouldn't fetch top dollar
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Who does?
Penelope Garcia: White babies are in higher demand than minorities. Boys are more popular than girls, at least this year anyway. And then there is the Swedish supermodel rule
Emily Prentiss: The what?
Penelope Garcia: If I were to deliver a blond haired, blue eye, bundle of joy I would set for life. I would!


"Criminal Minds: Outfoxed (#5.8)" (2009)
Jennifer Jareau: Geographically, both of them are thousands of miles away from their family. Communication is all they had. Emails, phone calls, letters
Penelope Garcia: But that's military communication. Even between families, it requires a kind of juice I'm not allow to use this
Jennifer Jareau: Come on! You hacked into the FBI database
Penelope Garcia: And they gave me a job. I like my job. I like my life
Jennifer Jareau: All right, I'll make some inquiries
Penelope Garcia: Okay. Do that. Take care


"Criminal Minds: Epilogue (#7.6)" (2011)
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: Garcia, I need you to pull a list of patients in the area with any form of blood cancer.
Penelope Garcia: I will make HIPPA my bitch, sir.


"Criminal Minds: Jones (#2.18)" (2007)
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: You are the best ever.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, and you are the most perceptive.


"Criminal Minds: Unfinished Business (#1.15)" (2006)
Derek Morgan: I need a list, sweetness.
Penelope Garcia: Aw, sugar, you're in luck. Lists are my specialty. Go.
Derek Morgan: All, right. Philadelphia, 1988. I need all car accidents resulting in injuries.
Penelope Garcia: Wow, there's a lot of them. I guess friends let friends drive drunk back then. Okay, I got injuries - thirty-six in a twelve month period.
Derek Morgan: How many were American-made cars?
Penelope Garcia: Almost all of them. Except only five were serious enough to send the drivers to the hospital. Let's hear it for Americian-made safety.


"Criminal Minds: Devil's Night (#6.6)" (2010)
Dr. Spencer Reid: Phantasmagorias are these amazing pre-cinema projected ghost shows invented in France, where the showman attempted to spook the audience using science magic. And it just so happens that I have an extra ticket.
Penelope Garcia: Tempting.


"Criminal Minds: Elephant's Memory (#3.16)" (2008)
Penelope Garcia: [quickly to Hotch via webcam] The kid is tech savvy sir, but fret not. I am tech savvier. Is that a word? That sounds like a word. If it is a word, I am it.
Emily Prentiss: D.C. time, Garcia.
Penelope Garcia: [looks at the clock] 11:17 a.m.
Emily Prentiss: D.C. - decaf.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, right.
[turns webcam off]


"Criminal Minds: Pariahville (#11.6)" (2015)
Dr. Spencer Reid: Set your search parameters at 35 to 40 and see who's working Glenport Village
Penelope Garcia: Those are some bang up parameters, brain brother!


"Criminal Minds: Fate (#10.9)" (2014)
David Rossi: [On the phone] Penelope? I need you to get some in tell
Penelope Garcia: Oh, like Nancy Drew style or Jason Bourne? Or I can do a ratio, I can do like 27% Nancy, 53% Jason, and...
David Rossi: Well, whatever you think is appropriate! I am being followed
Penelope Garcia: What? Like a stalker?
David Rossi: No, PI. I just got to find out who she's working for. Maybe someone I put away or could be a crazy fan
Penelope Garcia: OMG! You're the groupie! You're officially a rock star!
David Rossi: Yeah, right!


"Criminal Minds: Through the Looking Glass (#8.3)" (2012)
Derek Morgan: Hey Sweetness, what do you've got?
Penelope Garcia: Tidbits as sweet as you, love shack!


"Criminal Minds: Fear and Loathing (#2.16)" (2007)
Penelope Garcia: I was beginning to think you guys has forgotten all about me!
Derek Morgan: We need you now more than ever, Hot Stuff!
Penelope Garcia: Candy to my ear, Sugar! Go!


"Criminal Minds: Identity (#3.7)" (2007)
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Go ahead, Garcia.
Penelope Garcia: You were spot-on, crime fighters. Military records match. Francis Goehring, forty-two years old. Did a year in the Army, before a bad conduct discharge. Highlight of which was an arrest during a bar brawl in which three other people were hospitalized. Uh, he also appears in the federal database for - get this - aggressive militia groups.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Aggressive militia groups. Is there any other type?
Penelope Garcia: Mm-hmm. That's your federal government at work. We specialize in redundancy.


"Criminal Minds: Lauren (#6.18)" (2011)
Penelope Garcia: Hey, It's me. Hotch asked me to try all your numbers, and I have this as an old listing, and you probably don't even use it any more, but if it is you and you're out there, come home, please. God, Emily, what did you think, that we would just let you walk out of our lives? I am so furious at you right now! Then I think about how scared you must be, how you're in some dark place all alone, but you're not alone, okay? You are not alone. We are in that dark place with you. We are waving flashlights and calling your name. So if you can see us, come home. But if you can't, then, then you stay alive, because we're coming.


"Criminal Minds: The Road Home (#9.13)" (2014)
Penelope Garcia: Oh, and if you hate sad stories as much as I do, you should leave the room right now, 'cause this is super sad!


"Criminal Minds: Demons (#9.24)" (2014)
Penelope Garcia: I didn't... he's moving, okay. I didn't know how loud. I can't hear except for my heart, cause it feels it gonna come out Can that happen? Physically? Can your heart burst out of your chest? And what is this running? My ears don't pop for like a week after I fly and this is like that. That's gonna drive me bonkers. Am I yelling? Because it feels like I might be yelling.
Dr. Spencer Reid: You saved my life. Can you hear me?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, I heard that! That makes it better. Thank you for saying that!
Dr. Spencer Reid: Thank you for doing it!


"Criminal Minds: About Face (#3.6)" (2007)
Penelope Garcia: [Rossi calls] Speak and be recognized by your empress, mortal!
David Rossi: Is this the technical analyst girl?
Penelope Garcia: Who is this?
David Rossi: Dr. Reid said that this was your direct line from the team.
Penelope Garcia: It is
David Rossi: This is agent Dave Rossi. We met yesterday
Penelope Garcia: Oh, of course, of course. I am sorry, sir.


"Criminal Minds: Compulsion (#1.2)" (2005)
Penelope Garcia: Okay, you know how on 'Star Trek' when Captain Kirk asked McCoy to do something totally impossible, and McCoy says, "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a miracle worker"?
Derek Morgan: Hey, what are you telling me? Not to expect a miracle?
Penelope Garcia: No, I'm saying I'm not a doctor.


"Criminal Minds: Coda (#6.16)" (2011)
Emily Prentiss: What about local financial records?
Penelope Garcia: I have cross-referenced every current and formerly licensed fisherman, crab men, shrimp men, friends of Poseidon, comes from the sea, you-name-it men with financial records showing default loans totaling over 35k.
Ashley Seaver: Okay, what did you find?
Penelope Garcia: A hundred and twenty-seven names. I know, do not shoot the messenger. Just tell me how to narrow it down.
Emily Prentiss: Do all 127 have children?
Penelope Garcia: No. But 76 do.
Ashley Seaver: Okay, how many of them have homes in foreclosure versus other debt that might not put them out onto streets?
Penelope Garcia: Oh, you are very good. We are officially down to 24.
Emily Prentiss: Send us those files.
Penelope Garcia: At cyber-tastic speeds, my sweets.


"Criminal Minds: The Lesson (#8.10)" (2012)
Jennifer Jareau: Well, I think after this long, hard week we just had, we should all head over to Rossi's and pop open some old, expensive wine
David Rossi: That's a plan
Penelope Garcia: Could we maybe play some games, too?
Derek Morgan: Oh, what kind of games?
Penelope Garcia: You tell me, sweet cheeks!
[Derek laughs]


"Criminal Minds: Amelia Porter (#10.10)" (2014)
Penelope Garcia: Garcia is the name, 411 is the game!


"Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior: Death by a Thousand Cuts (#1.13)" (2011)
Penelope Garcia: Ground Control to Major Sam!


"Criminal Minds: Birthright (#3.11)" (2007)
Derek Morgan: Garcia has got something
Penelope Garcia: Don't worry, it's not contagious


"Criminal Minds: P911 (#2.2)" (2006)
Jennifer "JJ" Jareau: Four numbers. What is that? 3, something, something, 6
Penelope Garcia: That's a unit number, 4 digits ending with a 6. 999 possible combinations
Jennifer "JJ" Jareau: Oh, but a unit number would be registered, right?
Penelope Garcia: Already on it, kitten
Jennifer "JJ" Jareau: Of course you are
Penelope Garcia: That's how I roll