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Quotes for
Penelope Garcia (Character)
from "Criminal Minds" (2005)

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"Criminal Minds: Penelope (#3.9)" (2007)

Penelope Garcia: When I was in the ambulance I could hear the song "Heroes" playing in my head. I kept flashing in and out of consciousness, everything was really bright and I remember thinking, "Wait, is David Bowie really God?"

Derek Morgan: Hey silly girl. I love you, you know that, right?
Penelope Garcia: I love you too.

Derek Morgan: Take this gun.
Penelope Garcia: I don't believe in guns.
Derek Morgan: Ok, trust me they are very real take it.

"Criminal Minds: Seven Seconds (#3.5)" (2007)

Penelope Garcia: Believe me when I tell you the 1980s just called. They want their security system back.

Derek Morgan: Well, you are breaking my heart baby girl. Where are you going?
Penelope Garcia: And who are you with?

Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Susan consoling Katie's mother, that's an image that's gonna haunt me for a while.
Penelope Garcia: Well, we could have been left haunted by a lot worse.

"Criminal Minds: Reckoner (#5.3)" (2009)

Dr. Spencer Reid: [after Hotch throws him a folder] What's this?
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: You told me you were cleared to travel. You lied.
Emily Prentiss: Naughty boy.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Uh, *no* I *didn't.* I *am* a doctor, so *technically* it wasn't a lie.
Penelope Garcia: What was it then?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Um... second opinion?
Penelope Garcia: Hmm. You're my bitch now.
[leaves the room as Morgan chuckles]

Penelope Garcia: [to Hotch via webcam with Reid] I got something that might help us with that...
Dr. Spencer Reid: Technically *we* have something that might help us with that.

Dr. Spencer Reid: [to Prentiss via webcam with Garcia] Anything less than 10,000 dollars keeps the IRS off your trail.
Penelope Garcia: [desperately] I know that too.

"Criminal Minds: Exit Wounds (#5.21)" (2010)

Penelope Garcia: [voiceover] Nature, in her most dazzling aspects or stupendous parts, is but the background and theater of the tragedy of man. -John Morley

Penelope Garcia: [voiceover] Ralph W. Sockman said, Nothing is so strong as gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as real strength.

Emily Prentiss: [while walking through D.C] JJ that's not the point!
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [scoffs] Well are you gonna call him?
Emily Prentiss: Maybe.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [groans/while laughing] Emily!
Emily Prentiss: Mick Rawson is an arrogant, uh oversexed, egotistical...
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Hot British dude with a sexy accent, badge and gun. Just your type.
Emily Prentiss: [scoffs]
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [as Garcia walks towards them] Alright, you know what? I don't even get you sometimes.
Emily Prentiss: It wouldn't go anywhere.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: You don't know that.
Emily Prentiss: I know our *work* schedules.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Okay, you know what, Will and I make it work.
[sees Garcia coming, carrying a ton of shopping bags]
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Oh no.
Emily Prentiss: [laughs]
Penelope Garcia: I know, I know, I know, I know. Don't say it. But when you see what's in here, and - and it's not my fault. They were calling to me, I swear. And they were all on sale, so if you think about it that means I am helping the economy which is more than I can say for you guys... 'cause no one else has bags.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Yeah, please tell me all of those aren't for my son.
Penelope Garcia: They're not.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Good.
Penelope Garcia: [holds up a tiny bag] This one is for Kevin.
[Prentiss laughs]
Penelope Garcia: What it is my duty as a fairy godmother to *spoil* the child. And Henry is finally old enough to be fun while opening presents. I am not taking them back! Give me my coffee and no one's gonna get hurt.

"Criminal Minds: Memoriam (#4.7)" (2008)

Derek Morgan: [to Reid and Rossi] It's Garcia.
[answers phone]
Derek Morgan: Yeah, talk to me baby girl.
Penelope Garcia: I'm not interrupting boy time a Crazy Horse 2 am I?
Derek Morgan: You know that's not my thing. I'm more for in room entertainment.
Penelope Garcia: Well, I can't help you there. But I do give good phone.

Penelope Garcia: Oh, Will he looks just like you.
Detective William LaMontagne Jr.: Let's hope he grows out of that.
Emily Prentiss: Just as long as he doesn't inherit the accent.
Dr. Spencer Reid: [from outside the door] Is there room for one more in here?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Spence, hi.
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: [to Reid as he enters] Welcome back.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Thanks.
[looks at Henry]
Dr. Spencer Reid: Wow.
[to Will, extending his hand]
Dr. Spencer Reid: Congratulations.
Detective William LaMontagne Jr.: [takes Reid's hand] Thank you.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [to Reid] How is it that I just went through 15 hours of labor and... you look worse than I do?
[laughs]
Dr. Spencer Reid: Don't be ridiculous. You look beautiful.
Detective William LaMontagne Jr.: Well I could sure use some coffee. Anyone else?
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: Sure.
Detective William LaMontagne Jr.: My treat.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [after Will, Hotch, Prentiss and Garcia leave; to Reid] You okay?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Wow. Yeah, yeah.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: You sure? Because there's something I wanted to ask you, but, it can wait.
Dr. Spencer Reid: What is it?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Will and I were talking and... we want you to be Henry's Godfather.
Dr. Spencer Reid: I don't - I mean, I don't know...
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Here. You wanna hold him. It's okay.
[hands Henry to Reid]
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Watch his head.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Hi. Hello Henry.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: If anything happens to us, it's up to you and Garcia to make sure this boy gets into Yale.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Ooh. Yale. Yale! Do you wanna go to Yale, Henry? That was your Godfather's safety school.
[whispers]
Dr. Spencer Reid: Don't worry, I can get you into Cal Tech with one phone call.

Penelope Garcia: Ladies and gentleman, I'm not a doctor. I don't even play one on TV, but I believe young JJ is going into labor.

"Criminal Minds: Reflection of Desire (#6.8)" (2010)

Penelope Garcia: [voiceover] I believe humanity was born from conflict. Maybe that's why in all of us lives a dark side. Some of us choose to embrace it. Some have no choice. The rest of us fight it. But in the end, it's as natural as the air we breathe. At some point, all of us are forced to face the truth. Ourselves. For me, that day has come. I was 18 when I faced a man who chose to embrace his dark side, and by doing so, he took my humanity. Every day since I have put on a mask to hide what now suffocates me. The truth. And nothing speaks louder than the truth.

Penelope Garcia: Fame will go by, and so long, I've had you fame. If it goes by, I've always known it was fickle, so at least it's something I've experienced but that's not where I live -Marilyn Monroe

"Criminal Minds: Won't Get Fooled Again (#1.3)" (2005)

Derek Morgan: My bomb fragments, let's start putting this bad boy together.
Penelope Garcia: Why bother, don't you just dust for prints and... stuff?
Derek Morgan: Garcia, what are you doing in the FBI?
Penelope Garcia: I didn't get into medical school.

Derek Morgan: You ready to do some work?
Garcia: Why not?I haven't slept this week,I might as well give up eating to.
Derek Morgan: Awwh,poor baby.Try not to let the tears hit the paper,it gets a little messy.

"Criminal Minds: Lucky (#3.8)" (2007)

James 'Colby' Baylor: Hey Garcia?
Penelope Garcia: Yeah?
James 'Colby' Baylor: I've been wanting to do this all night.

Derek Morgan: Good morning princess.
Penelope Garcia: [quickly says] Good morning.
[and keeps walking]
Derek Morgan: Pump, ya breaks.
[Derek beckones Penelope back to him]
Derek Morgan: Every day I say 'Good morning' and every morning you say 'I'll show you a good morning, hotstuff.' Everyday. But not today?
Penelope Garcia: I hate profilers. Do you know that?
Derek Morgan: Spit it out.
Penelope Garcia: ...Fine. I met a guy.

"Criminal Minds: Hope (#7.8)" (2011)

Penelope Garcia: [voiceover] "Hope is faith holding out its hands in the dark" ~~ George Iles

Penelope Garcia: [voiceover] There's a quote by my favorite author, Joseph Campbell, and it goes like this: "Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."

"Criminal Minds: Paradise (#4.4)" (2008)

Penelope Garcia: You, my fine furry friends, are welcome.
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: Remind me to have her drug tested.

Dr. Spencer Reid: [on the phone with Garcia] Thank you, Garcia!
Garcia: You, my fine furry friends, are welcome!
[hangs up the phone]
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: [about Garcia] Remind me to have her drug-tested...

"Criminal Minds: Revelations (#2.15)" (2007)

Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: Think of the house as a witness. If it could talk, what would it tell us?
Penelope Garcia: My guess is it'd tell us to get the hell out.

Derek Morgan: This guy sits here for days and just watches these people, and he waits for them to commit a sin.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah, but Reid's completely innocent.
Derek Morgan: But if you dig deep enough in any of us, we all have our sins.
[Nervously]
Derek Morgan: Including Reid.

"Criminal Minds: In Name and Blood (#3.2)" (2007)

Penelope Garcia: [answering call, unaware she's talking to Hotchner's boss] Talk dirty to me.

Derek Morgan: Garcia, baby girl, please tell me something I wanna hear.
Penelope Garcia: You're a statuesque god of sculpted chocolate thunder.
Derek Morgan: How about something I don't already know.
Penelope Garcia: I have a sweet tooth?

"Criminal Minds: Aftermath (#2.5)" (2006)

Derek Morgan: Tell me something I want to hear.
Penelope Garcia: You're a sculptious god of chocolate thunder
Derek Morgan: OK, tell me something I don't already know.
Penelope Garcia: I have a sweet tooth?

Derek Morgan: Oh, one last favor. Look up the words sexy and brilliant in that computer of yours and tell me what you come up with.
Penelope Garcia: Look at that, it's me.
Derek Morgan: You are a goddess woman, ciao.
[Flicks the phone shut. Women in the waiting room are staring at him]
Derek Morgan: It was a... It was a work call.

"Criminal Minds: Bloodline (#4.13)" (2009)

[Morgan and Garcia are speaking to each other on the telephone. Morgan has placed her on speaker phone so that the other investigators in the room can hear Garcia's information]
Penelope Garcia: Hiya, baby.
Derek Morgan: Hey baby girl. We need to talk.
Penelope Garcia: PG or NC17?
Derek Morgan: You're on speaker phone.
Penelope Garcia: I charge extra for groups.

David Rossi: Garcia we believe that they are gypsies.
Penelope Garcia: Gypsies? As in "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves?"
David Rossi: Yes.
Penelope Garcia: Oh bless you all for turning my life into a Cher song!

"Criminal Minds: The Performer (#5.7)" (2009)

Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [JJ and Reid are on the phone with Garcia. Reid is working at a glass evidence board. JJ sists in a chair] Penelope?
Penelope Garcia: Are we in yet?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: All yours.
Penelope Garcia: [sighs] I always feel skeevy going through someone's life like this.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Okay, so everything looks like it's password protected so you might not even be able to... you're in already, aren't you?
Penelope Garcia: Password was "Cullen."
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Of course.
Dr. Spencer Reid: [looks over] "*Colon?*"
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: *Cullen.* The vampire family from Twilight.
Dr. Spencer Reid: What's Twilight?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Do you ever read anything other than technical books.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Mm. Not much in English.
[looks back to his work]
Penelope Garcia: Okay I'll see what I can dredge. My love is strong.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Okay. Thanks.
[hangs up]
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: How's the profile coming?
Dr. Spencer Reid: I don't know. I never really feel ready, you know?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: You'll be fine. I'm gonna go to talk to Tara's BFF before the media requests come in and it gets too crazy.
Dr. Spencer Reid: What's a BFF?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [sighs] Best friend forever.

Jennifer "JJ" Jareau: What was the password?
Garcia: Cullun.
Jennifer "JJ" Jareau: Ah, of course. Thanks Garcia.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Who's Cullun?
Jennifer "JJ" Jareau: The family from the Twilight books.
Dr. Spencer Reid: What's Twilight?

"Criminal Minds: Haunted (#5.2)" (2009)

Dr. Spencer Reid: [after Garcia helps him sit down] Thanks.
Penelope Garcia: Does it hurt?
Dr. Spencer Reid: It really only hurts when I think about it which is pretty much all the time.
[starts to snoop in the cookie tin next to him]
Penelope Garcia: No, no, no. Get away you.
[takes the lid]
Dr. Spencer Reid: What?
Penelope Garcia: These are for Hotch.
Dr. Spencer Reid: I get *shot* in the leg and I don't get any cookies? You know he's gonna hate the attention.
Penelope Garcia: [puts the lid back on] It's cookies, not cake.

Penelope Garcia: [of Hotch] Do you think he's ok?
Dr. Spencer Reid: I wouldn't be, but I'm a blinker.

"Criminal Minds: The Longest Night (#6.1)" (2010)

Penelope Garcia: This murder was quite the scandal...
Detective Adam Kurzbard: For Southern California in the sixties, that's saying something.
Penelope Garcia: Okay... I don't know who was talking right then... But, Word.

Penelope Garcia: [on the phone with Reid] How's my main man doing?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Uh, on the completely safe assumption that you're not talking about me, let's just say I wouldn't wanna be this unsub when Morgan finally gets his hands on him.
Penelope Garcia: That bad, huh?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Has he ever yelled at you *before*?
Penelope Garcia: [chuckles] Touche.

"Criminal Minds: The Big Wheel (#4.22)" (2009)

Penelope Garcia: [about a serial killer] He sure likes his blondes. Not a good date, though - too stabby.

Emily Prentiss: [in the investigation room; looking at Reid] What's missing from the Michelle Watson murder is any sign of rage or overkill.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Yeah, instead on the tape we see signs of remorse. A complete and sudden emotional change. It's absolutely fascinating.
Penelope Garcia: [walking over to Prentiss, looking at Reid] I love you, Reid, but the stuff you find fascinating is sad.

"Criminal Minds: Psychodrama (#2.4)" (2006)

Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: Good, cause I want every physical dimension on the UnSub, height, waist size, in seam. Everything that you can give me.
Penelope Garcia: Honey, if he opens his mouth I'll give you the length of his teeth.
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: Just keep it clean, and don't call me honey.

Derek Morgan: [answering phone] Yeah
Penelope Garcia: Um pals, don't be ticked, but I think I may have missed the sort of glaringly obvious here. How would you make yourself taller, without being a different person entirely or having some weird sort of chinese surgery?
Elle Greenaway: Heels
Penelope Garcia: Right sunshine, but we'd have seen heels. Unless the UnSub had them hidden inside his shoe, the point is lifts.
Derek Morgan: Lifts?
Penelope Garcia: Lifts. All hidden up inside his boot, with a little fancy footwork, pun emphatically intended, Garcia here managed to dig 'em out.
Derek Morgan: Thanks girl.

"Criminal Minds: Parasite (#5.14)" (2010)

Derek Morgan: Hey baby girl, it's me. You're on speaker.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, baby, I don't care who hears. It's always been you.

"Criminal Minds: Tabula Rasa (#3.19)" (2008)

Dr. Spencer Reid: [looking at a piece of paper] It's remarkable. Something like this makes you question everything you thought you knew.
Penelope Garcia: Yeah. It's like the Monolith in 2001.
Dr. Spencer Reid: So there was actually a time when something like this was socially acceptable?
Penelope Garcia: Oh... you're young.
[takes the paper from Reid]
Penelope Garcia: The eighties left a lot of people confused.
[a photo of Prentiss from high school is revealed]
Penelope Garcia: This is, uh, especially sad, though.
Emily Prentiss: All right, very funny, you guys. Very funny.
[snatched the paper from Garcia]
Emily Prentiss: What'd you do to it?
Penelope Garcia: Do?
Emily Prentiss: You obviously aletered it in photoshop or something.
[shows the photo to Garcia]
Emily Prentiss: That *hair?*
Penelope Garcia: Oh, no, Pussycat. That - that's all you. Garfield High, Class of '89.
Emily Prentiss: [looking at the photo again] You really didn't change anything?
Penelope Garcia: I hacked it, as is. You're seriously trying to tell me you don't remember rocking that look?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Perhaps your lack of recognition stems from a dissociative fugue suffered in adolescence. Say, at a Siouxsie and the Banshees concert?
Penelope Garcia: [laughs]

"Criminal Minds: Extreme Aggressor (#1.1)" (2005)

Penelope Garcia: You've reached Penelope Garcia in the FBI's Office of Supreme Genius.
Derek Morgan: Hey it's Morgan. Need you to work some magic here. I got a program called Deadbolt Defense and a girl who has only a couple hours to live, so what do you know?
Penelope Garcia: Then you got a problem Deadbolt's the #1 password crack-resistant software out there. Your gonna have to get inside this guy's head to get the password
Derek Morgan: I thought I was calling the Office of Supreme Genius.
Penelope Garcia: Well, gorgeous you've been rerouted to the office of too friggin' bad.
Derek Morgan: Thanks anyway.

"Criminal Minds: 100 (#5.9)" (2009)

Erin Strauss: [with false solicitude] Are you all right?
Penelope Garcia: [nervous and stammering] I'm just not comfortable with any of this. It's not OK.
Erin Strauss: [sits across from Penelope] What do you mean?
Penelope Garcia: In my opinion? Everyone is asking the wrong questions. Doesn't anyone care what The Reaper did to them? The people he hurt? All anyone seems to care about is... it just isn't right.
Erin Strauss: Do you think Agent Hotchner was acting... agitated or unreasonable?
Penelope Garcia: He... no. No! He... he was freaked out about his family... which, considering what happened, was perfectly reasonable.

"Criminal Minds: The Angel Maker (#4.2)" (2008)

[searching through birth records to find a woman who had a serial killer's child]
Penelope Garcia: We'll do single mothers only, in case she wanted to keep the father a secret. You know, didn't want to brag. "Oh, your baby daddy's a third grade teacher, well, mine likes to poke people in the stomach with tools, so there."

"Criminal Minds: Distress (#2.17)" (2007)

[Morgan has just telephoned Garcia from Houston, Texas]
Penelope Garcia: Are you lonely in the Lone Star State? And are you wearing chaps?
Derek Morgan: [laughing] Only in your dreams, Garcia.
Penelope Garcia: [laughing] Oh, not necessarily. I have Photoshop.

"Criminal Minds: Compromising Positions (#6.4)" (2010)

Penelope Garcia: [voiceover] Abraham Lincoln said, "Whatever you are, be a good one."

"Criminal Minds: Faceless, Nameless (#5.1)" (2009)

Penelope Garcia: [to Reid on the phone] Okay, do you want biological information or full medical charts?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Can you *get* the full medical charts?
Penelope Garcia: You know for a smart boy you still ask a lot of *dumb* questions.

"Criminal Minds: Elephant's Memory (#3.16)" (2008)

Penelope Garcia: [quickly to Hotch via webcam] The kid is tech savvy sir, but fret not. I am tech savvier. Is that a word? That sounds like a word. If it is a word, I am it.
Emily Prentiss: D.C. time, Garcia.
Penelope Garcia: [looks at the clock] 11:17 a.m.
Emily Prentiss: D.C. - decaf.
Penelope Garcia: Oh, right.
[turns webcam off]

"Criminal Minds: Children of the Dark (#3.4)" (2007)

Derek Morgan: Hey girl, you're on speaker. Behave.
Penelope Garcia: Or what, you'll spank me?

"Criminal Minds: Minimal Loss (#4.3)" (2008)

Derek Morgan: Garcia, what do we got on Cyrus?
Penelope Garcia: Um... we've got bupkis. It's like the guy never cast a shadow on the known universe. However, his predecessor, Leo Cane, is doing a seventeen year stretch at Dearfield Federal Prison. Apparently, Libertarians do not like paying taxes.
Derek Morgan: Seventeen years for tax evasion?
Penelope Garcia: Oh, no. That would be two years for tax evasion and fifteen for going after four IRS agents with a Louisville Slugger.

"Criminal Minds: Amplification (#4.24)" (2009)

Penelope Garcia: I can't be my usual sparkly self when you are where you are.

"Criminal Minds: Natural Born Killer (#1.8)" (2005)

[Garcia enters the room with a cardboard box]
Derek Morgan: Please tell me you brought some breakfast.
Penelope Garcia: Trust me, sugar. You're not going to want to eat when you see what's in here.

"Criminal Minds: Damaged (#3.14)" (2008)

Penelope Garcia: [mortified that Kevin will talk with Rossi about their relationship] If you get within a hundred feet of Agent Rossi, I will unleash an unrecoverable virus onto your personal computer system that will reduce your electronic world into something between a Commodore 64, and a block of government cheese.

"Criminal Minds: Blood Hungry (#1.11)" (2005)

Penelope Garcia: It seems like Eddie's entire college experience was some sort of post-addolescent rebellion... He partied like an '80s clubber. He suffered a delusional break due to meth amphetamine and rock cocaine consumption.
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: Wow, that is partying like an '80s clubber.

"Criminal Minds: Normal (#4.11)" (2008)

Derek Morgan: [while holding JJ's baby] What's he doing? He's smiling at Derek Morgan.
Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia: [Together] Gas!

"Criminal Minds: Honor Among Thieves (#2.20)" (2007)

Penelope Garcia: Your friendly neighborhood oracle of all things knowable and unknowable at your service.

"Criminal Minds: Lauren (#6.18)" (2011)

Penelope Garcia: Hey, It's me. Hotch asked me to try all your numbers, and I have this as an old listing, and you probably don't even use it any more, but if it is you and you're out there, come home, please. God, Emily, what did you think, that we would just let you walk out of our lives? I am so furious at you right now! Then I think about how scared you must be, how you're in some dark place all alone, but you're not alone, okay? You are not alone. We are in that dark place with you. We are waving flashlights and calling your name. So if you can see us, come home. But if you can't, then, then you stay alive, because we're coming.

"Criminal Minds: Compulsion (#1.2)" (2005)

Penelope Garcia: Okay, you know how on Star Trek when Captain Kirk asked McCoy to do something totally impossible, and McCoy says, "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a miracle worker?"
Derek Morgan: Hey, what are you telling me? Not to expect a miracle?
Penelope Garcia: No, I'm saying I'm not a doctor.

"Criminal Minds: L.D.S.K. (#1.6)" (2005)

[Answering his cellphone]
Derek Morgan: Yeah, Morgan.
Penelope Garcia: Isn't this spooky?
Derek Morgan: Isn't what spooky?
Penelope Garcia: That right now you were thinking about me, and out of the blue your phone rings? And it's me. Huh? How's that for a spiritual connection?
Derek Morgan: Umm... Do I know you?
Penelope Garcia: Why do you hurt me?
[Morgan laughs]

"Criminal Minds: Conflicted (#4.20)" (2009)

Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: National media's picked up on the story. We're gonna need to make a statement when we land.
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: We want to make people aware without obviously causing panic.
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Stress hyper-vigilance, the whole buddy system. Yeah, I'm all over it. I just don't think anyone's gonna listen.
Dr. Spencer Reid: What do you mean?
Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Come on, drunk college students don't exactly want to hear they shouldn't talk to strangers.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Right.
[goes to sit]
Emily Prentiss: [to Garcia on the webcam] Was there any DNA left on the scene?
Penelope Garcia: Uh, yeah. Too *much* DNA. This portion of The Garcia Show will be brought to you by the letter "I" for icky. The lab has recovered over a hundred different trace samples as multiple guests create a cesspool of DNA. Also, there is no way to determine the exact time of "secretion" or to eliminate anyone actually working at the hotel.

"Criminal Minds: Sex, Birth, Death (#2.11)" (2006)

Special Agent Derek Morgan: How did she know to call Reid?
Penelope Garcia: Nathan set Reid's business card on the table before he cut himself. Like a suicide note.

"Criminal Minds: The Fox (#1.7)" (2005)

Dr. Spencer Reid: Are you hacking into the government HMO database? Is that legal?
Penelope Garcia: Of course not. We'll both go to prison and you'll be someones bitch.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Really?

"Criminal Minds: Cold Comfort (#4.14)" (2009)

Penelope Garcia: Reid, we need a D.O.B. on Prentiss.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Uh, 7:12am, October 12th, 197...
Emily Prentiss: [cuts Reid off] Hey!