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Quotes for
Dr. Kaplan (Character)
from "Home Improvement" (1991)

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"Home Improvement: The Vasectomy One (#5.16)" (1996)
Jill Taylor: Why don't you tell us what's involved in the procedure.
Tim Taylor: Yeah, I'm dying to hear this.
Dr. Kaplan: Well, the morning of your appointment you'd have to shave in the area where I'll be making the incisions.
Tim Taylor: [pointing at his crotch] Shave? Here?
Dr. Kaplan: It's just a routine procedure.
Tim Taylor: Not in my house it's not! What do you think, I wake up in the morning, brush my teeth, comb my hair, and shave Ping and Pong?
Jill Taylor: Well, you could go to a barber but it might be a little awkward.
Dr. Kaplan: The first thing I do is give you a shot that's a local.
Tim Taylor: Local like here in Detroit?
Dr. Kaplan: No local like here in your scrotum.
Tim Taylor: Oh boy.
Dr. Kaplan: That does sting for a few seconds.
Tim Taylor: You think?
Dr. Kaplan: Then I make two small cuts and simply divide and tie up the tubes. The discomfort is really very minimal.
Tim Taylor: Yeah, why don't you tell that to the boys in the basement!
Dr. Kaplan: You'll be back to normal in a few days. The only restriction at all is that you won't be able to drive home that day.
Tim Taylor: What? I can't drive? Forget about it.
[gets up]
Jill Taylor: [gets up] Now, what do you mean "forget about it?"
Tim Taylor: [gets his jacket] Honey, honestly I was really into it up till that point. The driving thing, that iced it.
[opens the door]
Jill Taylor: It's just one day!
Tim Taylor: Look, it's bad enough to separate a man from his sperm, but to separate a man from his car - that's inhuman!