Heidi Keppert
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Quotes for
Heidi Keppert (Character)
from "Home Improvement" (1991)

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"Home Improvement: Futile Attraction (#7.18)" (1998)
Heidi: Binford Tool is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and Al "The Most Sensitive Guy in the World" Borland.

Al: It's The Tiki Hut Cookbook.
Heidi: Do you like it?
Al: I love this. Now I can make pu-pu at home.

Heidi: Scott and I are separated. He moved out two weeks ago.
Al: Heidi, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say something about this before?
Heidi: Because I didn't want to bring my personal problems to work.
Tim: Why not?
Heidi: Because you said, "Don't ever bring your personal problems to work".
Tim: Since when do you listen to me?
Heidi: Since you said I'd better start listening to you.
Al: [to Tim] Nice going, Mr. Compassion!


"Home Improvement: Whitewater (#8.1)" (1998)
Heidi: [half asleep] Does anybody know what time it is?
Jill: 5:00. Oh, my back.
Wilson: [about Al's snoring] I haven't heard sounds like that since I was in Nairobi, studying the breeding patterns of wart hogs.
Tim: Hoooh! Woo-ee! Did I sleep well or what? I got some hot, cheese blintzes in the oven, guys!
Heidi, Jill, Wilson, Kyle, Al: SHUT UP!
[they toss pillows at him]

Heidi: If everyone were a tube lizard like you, we'd all be maytagging by now.
Tim: Maytagging? Tube lizard? A couple of brochures and you're Popeye all of a sudden?
Al: Oh, you'll have to forgive Tim. He can't help being an insensitive LOUT!
Kyle: I can't take it anymore! So much noise I can't hear the voices in my head.


"Home Improvement: Taps (#6.24)" (1997)
Heidi: Hey Wilson, I would love to have this antique cheese whipper.
Al: That's not fair. I saw it first. I'll give you twice the asking price.
Heidi: I'll double that.
Wilson: Well, that brings us up to eighty cents.
Al: I'm out.


"Home Improvement: Quibbling Siblings (#4.8)" (1994)
Heidi: Nervous about being on Tool Time Brad?
Brad: A-a little
Heidi: Here'a a trick I used when I was new: just picture everyone in their underwear.
Brad: [stares at Heidi] I don't think that's going to help.


"Home Improvement: Ploys for Tots (#8.12)" (1998)
Bill: Thank you. When do I start the job?
Tim: Job? We're just playing a game. There is no job.
Bill: I took a whole day off for nothing? I assumed there was a job.
Tim: Well, you know what happens when you assume.
[Bill glowers at him]
Tim: Well, what happens is... Heidi is gonna tell you what you've won.
Heidi: Uh... You won this key ring with a handy can opener. There you go.
Tim: There you go.
Bill: Yeah, that's gonna come in real handy 'cause I'm about to open up a can of whup-ass on the Tool Man!


"Home Improvement: Maybe, Baby (#3.1)" (1993)
Tim: Heidi, my fire-starting device please.
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Very high-tech, it's a *stick*!