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: This is my assistant, Tim "Doesn't know Gumbo from Dumbo" Taylor. Tim
: Sure I do. Dumbo is a pachyderm and Gumbo is a little green guy who rides Pokey.
: Today on "Tool Time", we're going to show you how to make my famous Gumbo. Tim
: Some of you thought he said, "Dumbo". No, Dumbo is a pachyderm. Gumbo is a green guy who rides Pokey.
: You can put just about anything into Gumbo. Tim
: If we put Al's mom in here, we'd have "Jumbo Gumbo"!
: Do you think they call it Cajun cooking because you cook it in a cage? Tim
: I don't think so, Al.
: Now, if you want to go the sophisticated route... Tim
: You might wanna watch
[in sophisticated voice
: Masterpiece Tool Time, with your host, Alastaire Borland. Al
: Would that be an English accent?
: Automatic door locks, ignition cut off, gas cut off
[points it at Al
: And not a moment too soon. Al
: Very funny, Tim. I'm sure our nursery school viewers are rolling in their sandboxes.
: I saw Mark in his costume. I always wanted to be the letter N. Tim
: That's impossible, Al. The song specifically says No Al.
[singing to the tune of Noel
: No Al, No Al, No Al, No Al.
: I remember my first Christmas rebellion: I was so mad. My parents went out and bought an artificial tree. The whole Christmas I refused to sing 'Oh, Tannenbaum'. Tim
: Oh, my. You were a bad, bad Borland.
: Are you all right? Al
: Yeah I'm okay. It was a long time ago. Tim
: [to Jill
] I meant, are YOU okay?
: [In church
] I'll just take a pew behind you. Tim
: Most people use the bathroom, Al.
: I can't find Tim. I checked the bathrooms. Men's AND women's. Boy, was Mrs. Lindsey surprised.
: I saw Mark in his little robe. Boy, I always wanted to be the letter N. Tim
: That's impossible, Al. The song specifically says No Al.
[singing to the tune of Noel
: No Al, No Al, No Al, No Al.
[the members of the Christmas service choir have letters pinned onto their robes to spell "NOEL", but are standing out of order
: Who's "LEON"? Randy Taylor
: Maybe Leon was born in the manger next door.
: On the other hand... Tim
: Al, that's 8 hands. Why not take one of them and slap yourself?
: Al, you are 37 years old, don't you think it's time to cut the cord? Al Borland
: Cut the cord? Tim
: Cut the cord? That's the only extension cord I've got to handle those lights. Al Borland
: This is not about your stupid lights. My relationship with Ilene is hanging in the balance. Tim
: So the extension cord's okay?
: Would you gentlemen care for some flight insurance? Tim
, Al Borland
: No! The Clerk
: Okay, but if your plane crashes, you'll be sorry.
: I still don't know what to do about Ilene and my mother. How can I choose between the woman who means more to me than anything... and my girlfriend?
: Well thank you, Tim! Ilene broke up with me. She took my car and said never wants to see me again. Tim
: Al, she's coming back. Al
: How do you know? Tim
: If she doesn't, it's grand theft auto.
: Last night, something very disturbing happened: Ilene... had a dream. Tim
: No! Not a dream. While she was sleeping? I don't know, scientists may want to study her.
: Al, I only make fun of people and joke around with people I like. Al
: Then you must like me an awful lot. Tim
: I think of you as one of my brothers. Al
: You do? Tim
: Yeah. I used to joke and gag around with them all the time, that's why most of them won't speak to me to this day.
: So you're saying that when you make fun of my weight and my beard, it's because you like me? Tim
: Yeah. Al
: How about when you tease me about wearing flannel? Tim
: I do that because you look ridiculous.
: [after Tim has fallen through the ice
] I can't believe that you came up here without an extra set of clothes. Tim
: Well, I wasn't planning on falling through the ice. Al
: Well, everyone knows that when coming on a trip like this you have to be prepared for every possible contingency, and with you every contingency is possible. You should just be glad that I brought a spare change of clothes. Tim
: Oh, yeah, right
[he stands up showing that the pants and shirt are way too big
: What is this, one size fits Al?
: [after Tim has fallen through the ice
] You know, Tim, I was hoping that on this trip we would be able to talk on a more personal level. Tim
: Personal? How much more personal can it get, I'm wearing your underwear. Al
: Well, I was hoping that we could talk about our hopes, our dreams and fears...
[pause as Tim reaches into the pocket of his wet jeans and realizes that he has lost the car keys
: Tell me you didn't lose the car keys. Tim
: I hope I didn't, but I fear I did. You want to go and look, I've already been in.
: [while chiseling a hole through ice for ice fishing he accidentally knocks Al's chisel through the ice
] Where you attached to that chisel? Al
: What, Tim that, that chisel has been in my family for generations, it was handed down to me by my great-grandfather Hal Borland. Tim
: Well, it's not like it was new.
: [Tim is fiddling with the heater
] What are you doing? Tim
: I'm using my know-how to double the heat out of this thing. Al
: Would that be the same know-how you used to double the size of the hole?
: But first, I would like to get something off my chest. Tim
: That tie? Al
: Ah, I'm just a little bit cheesed here. The other day I was in the supermarket and I... I was in the frozen food section. And they had lima beans, 3 for a dollar. And I took four. And the lady at the check-out counter said, "Hey, can't you count?"
: I take my work seriously and all you do is crack jokes. Tim
: Crack jokes? Well the way you bend over like that... Al
: See? Now that's what I'm talking about.
: Anyone can do what you do. Tim
: Oh really? You think you could do what I do? Al
: Oh please. How hard could it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time? Tim
: A lot harder than it looks.
: Speaking of staple guns, do you suppose that they call it a staple gun, because it shoots out staples?
[Audience is silent
: Yes I do, Al.
: Well, although we all can't be as spooky as Al, we can carve some pretty good jack o'lanterns. Al
: That's right; as the audience can see, I'm all finished with mine.
[he turns it on, and it's a picture of Bob Vila; the audience applauds
: Yeah, yeah; well, I could spend long boring hours chiseling it out with these, or I could put some excitement into the pumpkin-carving process - I would use what? Crowd
: MORE POWER! Tim
: You're darn right, more power; I've already chunked and chiseled this baby out, and now all I need is a small explosion to knock the pieces out.
: [Tim is dressed as Nana-stein, a creepy old woman
] This is pathetic. You're in a dress, your son is a doll, and your wife is a radish. Jill
: Hey, I'm a carrot. Learn your vegetables. Tim
: Hey, lighten up; don't ruin this for everybody else, okay? Danny
: If you built this, it's all gonna fall apart anyway. I've seen your show. It ought to be called Fool Time. Tim
: [after pause
] You know, making fun of Nana-stein's favorite show is not a good idea, son. Why don't you check out Nana's tool box. Danny
: Oh ho, a tool box. I'm scared. What's gonna happen? Is a wrench gonna pop out and say, "Boo!" Tim
: I don't know... Danny
: [the tool box falls apart to reveal an upside-down bucket
] Ooo ho ho, a bucket. I'm really scared.
[lifts the bucket to find Al's bloody fanged head
: Grrr! Arrr!
[Danny screams in fright and runs
: [unable to find Tim, who is hiding behind the set with a zombie mask on
] Tim! Tim! Tim
: [in a gruff voice
] Tim's not here.
[he comes out with the mask on, trying to scare Al
: Hey, Al, that's a good costume you got on; what are you? Al
] I'm Al. Tim
: [shrieking to the camera
] Ahhh, it's an Al!
: [reading off the menu
] Chile and onions, chile-cheese dog, three cheese chile omlets. Wheeew I think I've died and gone to heavan. Al
: I know what killed you.
: I hate the look. Marty Taylor
: How would you know about the look? You're not even married. Al
: I get the look when I am snippy to mother.
: Why can't you do it? Dolores
: I'm in the middle of a shift. Harry
: Well I'm working too. Dolores
] Yeah right, looks like you're killing yourself. Harry, I am telling you to go get her. Harry
: I'm telling you no!
[Dolores stops and begins to turn around
: Look out, guys, here it comes!
[Tim and Marty duck; Dolores flashes "the look". Al and Benny stare in horror
] Benny Baroni
: [after pause
] Oh my God. I've never seen anything like it. Uh... Where's the podiatrist? I'll go get her myself.
: Listen, I'll-I'll drive you there.
: I'll show you the way!
: The space between your ears could fill the Mall of America.
: Next, we'll try to convert some poor sap into Al's house guest. Al
: Then we'll convert that stuff on your face into an actual beard. Tim
: Gee, Al not everyone can grow a beard as fast as your mom.
: You all know my assistant, Al Borland... Al? We're on the air, Al! Al
: [From inside the bathroom
: You could have given me some warning. Tim
: Where would the fun be in that?
: [half asleep
] Does anybody know what time it is? Jill
: 5:00. Oh, my back. Wilson
: [about Al's snoring
] I haven't heard sounds like that since I was in Nairobi, studying the breeding patterns of wart hogs. Tim
: Hoooh! Woo-ee! Did I sleep well or what? I got some hot, cheese blintzes in the oven, guys! Heidi
: SHUT UP!
[they toss pillows at him
: If everyone were a tube lizard like you, we'd all be maytagging by now. Tim
: Maytagging? Tube lizard? A couple of brochures and you're Popeye all of a sudden? Al
: Oh, you'll have to forgive Tim. He can't help being an insensitive LOUT! Kyle
: I can't take it anymore! So much noise I can't hear the voices in my head.
: It's difficult to go through life with a deviated septum. Tim
: It could be worse. You could be working at the circus as Al the Donkey Boy.
: [Al has locked him out
] Al, you can't end it like this. We've had a relationship for three years. Al
: It's over between us. Tim
: Al, open the door. Al
: No. You should never have made that recording of me in bed.
: For men, there are two kinds of vegetables: your beans and your potatoes. I had my beans yesterday. Al
: I know.
: And now, the moment we've all been waiting for: the introduction of the Man's Kitchen. A guy's galley. I am man, hear me roast.
: Well, Tim, what do you say we start'er up? Tim
: That's right. Only kitchen I know that has an ignition system.
[flicks some switches and turns the key. SFX: engine won't start
: Come on, come on. Al
: Maybe we should get jumper cables, hook it up to another kitchen. Tim
: Think I got it.
[tries again. Man's Kitchen activates
: Listen to that baby pur.
: It's The Tiki Hut Cookbook. Heidi
: Do you like it? Al
: I love this. Now I can make pu-pu at home.
: Scott and I are separated. He moved out two weeks ago. Al
: Heidi, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say something about this before? Heidi
: Because I didn't want to bring my personal problems to work. Tim
: Why not? Heidi
: Because you said, "Don't ever bring your personal problems to work". Tim
: Since when do you listen to me? Heidi
: Since you said I'd better start listening to you. Al
: [to Tim
] Nice going, Mr. Compassion!
: [in Tim's dream, he is a wooden doll and Al is a snowman
] We have something very special to show you today. Say hello to the new Binford 6100 Toolapalooza. It saws. It sands. It welds. It grinds. It does absolutely everything. Tim
: Not everything, Al. Does it feed the hungry? Does it clothe the naked? Does it heal the sick? Al
: I don't know. I haven't tried all the attachments.
: I tell you, the holidays come quicker every year. Harry
: Yeah, I know. I just got over July Fourth and now it's Thanksgiving.
[Tim enters abruptly, carrying a giant cardboard reindeer head
: Oh, that was fast, now it's Christmas.
: There's nothing wrong with a man doing housework; I mean, Al does a lot of the cleaning around here. Al Borland
: I do *all* the cleaning, Tim. Tim Taylor
: Yeah, right, Al. Al Borland
: I could use some help. Tim Taylor
: We all could, Al.
: Do anything fun this weekend? Mark Taylor
: Daddy and I dressed up like women. Al Borland
: ...Oh, really? Tim Taylor
: It's not like it sounds, Al. Mark Taylor
: Daddy had Mommy's hat on, and we both wore earrings. Al Borland
: Well, of course; earrings would complete the ensemble. Tim Taylor
: It's not like I had a bra on or anything, Al. Al Borland
: Well, maybe next time, Tim.
: [about dessert
] I brought a very lovely tart. Tim
: Al, that's no way to talk about Ilene.
: Ilene! Tim
: Of course you lean. You're lopsided.
: Show me the hand signals for swinging the crane. Tim
: Hello? Boom!
[shows him, accidentally breaking Al's home-made crane model
: Oh, sorry, Al. Uh, well I guess that's it for the hand signals. Al
: Actually, Tim, I do have one another hand signal for you that's not in the manual.
: Didn't you study the manual at all? Tim
: A real man doesn't need a manual.
: [trying to make a joke with Al
] Nice beard - had chili for lunch, huh? Al Borland
: [oblivious to the attempted humor
] No, I didn't, Stu. Stu Cutler
: [again trying to kid around
] ... So - gotta work with this jerk, huh, Al? Al Borland
: Yes, I do, Stu... Well, it was nice meeting you. Stu Cutler
: [as Al walks away
] Uh, great sense of humor! Al Borland
: Thank you.
: Now, the important thing about puttin' a door in is hanging it, because if it's not hung well, you got a problem. Right, Al? Al Borland
: Speak for yourself, Tim.
[Tim tries to conduct Tool Time without jokes, after Randy calls him a clown
: Oh, I see. That wasn't in the plans either. While this buzzer sends thousands of volts coursing through my body while he stands back and says, "Remember the AL-amo". Then comes the uncalled for slams against my mother. How she shops in the *husky* section. How she cleared out the all-you-can-eat buffet. Just go ahead say it...
: ...my mother is a big fat cow. Tim
: [after pause
] Goodness gracious, Al.
: Thank you, I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and you all know my assistant, Al... Borland. Al
: What's the matter, no stupid middle name? Is it my birthday? Tim
: We don't always have to joke around, you know, this isn't Fool Time.
: [Tim and Al are at a bar after Mr. Binford has passed away
] Crying won't bring him back! Al
: That isn't the point! You suffered a big loss! We all did!
[starts to cry
: Come on, pull it together, will you, Al? Al
: Well, I didn't really need that spicket! I just thought it'd be great to have hot chocolate once in a while! Tim
: [customers are staring at Al, who is shaking from crying so hard
] It devastates him when they run out of corn nuts!
: Hey Wilson, I would love to have this antique cheese whipper. Al
: That's not fair. I saw it first. I'll give you twice the asking price. Heidi
: I'll double that. Wilson
: Well, that brings us up to eighty cents. Al
: I'm out.
: How come every time I drive by the plant, all that smoke is coming out of the stacks? Tim
: THEY'RE SMOKESTACKS! Tim
: What do you expect to be coming out of there, Hai Karate? Some kind of whipped cream or something? What do you want?
: I'd better go before the Putt-Putt is shut-shut.
: These are also useful if Superman wants to take a peek at your underwear. Tim
: No problem there. I'm not wearing any.
: I'm no more valuable than Al. Al
: I agree. Tim
: On the job site, there's no difference between Al's tools and my tools. Al
: Actually, Tim, there is: at the end of the job...
[Tries to switch on Tim's soupled-up power sander
: ...my tools still work.
: [found out there was another gas leak in the house that they didn't know about or repair
] Benny! Did your aunt happen to mention that there was also a leak in the stove? Benny
: Maybe, it's hard to understand her when she's not wearing her teeth. Al
: You realize that there is the possibility that gas has been leaking in this house for the past half hour. the slightest spark could cause combustion. Benny
: Hey, take it easy. I disconnected all the electrical appliances like you asked. Al
: Ahh, well good. Benny
: Except that lamp over there. But you don't have to worry, it's the kind that only goes on when you clap. Tim
: [wanting to leave and not knowing the situation
] C'mon guys lets go.
[He claps twice and the lamp turns on causing the house to blow up
: Let me guess, there was another leak. Al
: The stove. Tim
: Excuse me a sec, Al. I gotta go to the little mechanic's room. Al
: What? Tim
: I gotta change my oil! Al
: What? Tim
: Flush my coolant! Al
: What? Tim
: Hello, everybody. I'm Tim, the "cool" man, Taylor... and you know my assistant, the King, "Al-vis"! Al
: And we're going to have a rocking good time, because we're going to make a rocking chair. Tim
: This is the last theme show we're gonna do.
: Too much starch can irritate the skin. Tim Taylor
: Too much Al can irritate Tim.
: Oh no, we overslept. Al
: I have to go. Tim
: No, stick around awhile. Al
: [Running outside
] No, I mean I have to GO. Tim
: We have a bathroom in the house, Al.
: I'm driving. Al
: [Dressed as Santa Claus
] Now, Tim, it's against regulations to let an elf drive the sleigh.
: Do you suppose that if this grass were on fire, it'd call Fescue 911? Al
: I don't think so, Tim.
[Jill is auctioning off the services of Tim and Bob Vila to raise money for the library. Vila went for $700
: I bid $300 for the Tool Man. Al
: You can't bid! You're the auctioneer! Jill
: It's my auction and I'll bid if I want to.
: Colonel, allowing Tim to drive a tank well that's jeprodizing national security. Tim
: Would you cut it out Al. Lt. Col. McDougal
: Al you've got nothing to worry about, we've got 10,000 marines on the base to keep an eye on Tim. Al
: It's not enough.
: Heidi, bring out whatever ridiculous thing Tim souped up today!
: Cheerio, Tim. Tim
: Frosted Flakes to you, Al.
: Why do you always put my face on anything you're about to maim or destroy? Tim Taylor
: Because your butt won't fit.
: I think one of these days, you're going to run out of flannel jokes. Tim
: I don't think so, Al. Not with my "Complete Flannel Joke Book".
[Tim pulls out a heavy dictionary-sized hardcover book labelled "The Complete Flannel Joke Book" from behind a prop and opens it
: "Why did the flannel cross the road? 'Cause Al was over there!" "Oh waiter, there's a fly in my flannel!" "Please... take my flannel!"
[Al snatches the book from Tim
: Then there's your handy wallet-sized version!
[Tim pulls a tiny hardcover book of the same color out of his pocket
: "How do you keep an idiot wearing flannel in suspense?"
[Al snatches the second book
: I'll tell you tomorrow!
: [Thanks to Tim, the water pipes are groaning loudly, fit to burst
] I know that sound from when I worked on a sub in the navy. Tim
: What happens now? Felix Myman
: I'm going AWOL.
: Me too.
: [to camera
] I'm going down.
[Janeen Rae Heller has been invited on Tool Time to play the saw
] Janeen Rae Heller
: Any requests? Al Borland
: I have one. It's from my favorite movie. Tim Taylor
: Do you know the theme to Dumbo? Al Borland
: Tim, that's my favorite movie about an elephant.
: Merry Christmas. You know Christmas always reminds me of my childhood. I used to build a snowman every year. I used a carrot for its nose. Cookies for its eyes. Licorice for its smile. Tim
: That's a great story, Al. Unfortunately, Al's Mom usually ate the snowman. Al
: One year, she used the carrot to make coleslaw.
: Hey Al, we need a fourth player for our poker game tonight. You wanna join us? Al
: I haven't played in about ten years. Tim
: [in a soundproof booth that isn't really soundproof
] Tim, can you hear me?
[Tim shakes his head
: You can't hear me? In that case, I should be the host of this show. And another thing, that's a stupid haircut you have! And another thing,
: I am the very model of a modern major general / I've information vegetable, animal and mineral / I know the kings of England and I quote the facts historical / From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical. Tim
: Al. Al
: Yes? Tim
: Can you hear me? Al
: I can hear YOU. Tim
: Think about that.
: Major General Borland.
: You know, Wilson. I always pictured myself getting married and having a bustling house full of kids. I'm starting to reconsider. Wilson Wilson, Jr.
: Well, Al, I wouldn't write off parenthood entirely. When you start off with a baby, you're a baby as a parent. Then as the children grow up, the parent grows too, so that hopefully when adolescence is reached, you're both ready for it. Al Borland
: That's a wonderful thought, Wilson. Wilson Wilson, Jr.
: Well, being a bachelor, it's easy to come up with these things.
: Al, what's your favorite part of gardening? Al
: Getting down and dirty with my hoe!
: Congratulations, Tim, on your first intergalactic screw-up.
: That's not what you think, is it, Tim? Tim
: It's not? Jill
: No. Al
: What DO you think? Tim
: I don't know, ask her.
: My pneumatic dry-wall stilts. Al
: Pneumatic dry-wall stilts? Tim
: Is there an echo in the building?
[after Tim opens Al's jacket to reveal a loud Hawaiian shirt
] Tim Taylor
: What the *hell* are you wearing? Al Borland
: Mo says sometimes I tend to blend into the background. Tim Taylor
: You're *supposed* to blend into the background!
: [after unsuccessfully breaking a block of wood with his head
] B-Binford Tools. Messages. We have 'em. Al
: We'll be right back.
: We're going to introduce a new color today: the color Al. Al
: I don't want to be a color, Tim. Tim
: Neither did red and look how well he turned out.
: I'm part owner and she makes me feel like a stock boy. Dolores
: Hey stocky boy, run across the street and get me some hot tea. Tim
: Yeah, stocky boy. Remember how she likes it: two sugars and a big lump of arsenic.
: Well after much thought and many changes of clothes, we have decided to buy Tool Time. Al
: Yes! Alright! Was it the man's gym that put you over the top? Björn
: Oh no, we liked the whole show. In Sweden we love slapstick comedy. You are the next Jerry Lewis. Tim
: Thank you.