Al Borland
Quicklinks
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
Filmographies
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Biographical
biography
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Al Borland (Character)
from "Home Improvement" (1991)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Home Improvement: Too Many Cooks (#3.19)" (1994)
Al: This is my assistant, Tim "Doesn't know Gumbo from Dumbo" Taylor.
Tim: Sure I do. Dumbo is a pachyderm and Gumbo is a little green guy who rides Pokey.

Al: Today on "Tool Time", we're going to show you how to make my famous Gumbo.
Tim: Some of you thought he said, "Dumbo". No, Dumbo is a pachyderm. Gumbo is a green guy who rides Pokey.

Al: You can put just about anything into Gumbo.
Tim: If we put Al's mom in here, we'd have "Jumbo Gumbo"!

Al: Do you think they call it Cajun cooking because you cook it in a cage?
Tim: I don't think so, Al.

Al: Now, if you want to go the sophisticated route...
Tim: You might wanna watch
[in sophisticated voice]
Tim: Masterpiece Tool Time, with your host, Alastaire Borland.
Al: Would that be an English accent?

Tim: Automatic door locks, ignition cut off, gas cut off
[points it at Al]
Tim: And not a moment too soon.
Al: Very funny, Tim. I'm sure our nursery school viewers are rolling in their sandboxes.


"Home Improvement: 'Twas the Blight Before Christmas (#3.12)" (1993)
Al: I saw Mark in his costume. I always wanted to be the letter N.
Tim: That's impossible, Al. The song specifically says No Al.
[singing to the tune of Noel]
Tim: No Al, No Al, No Al, No Al.

Al: I remember my first Christmas rebellion: I was so mad. My parents went out and bought an artificial tree. The whole Christmas I refused to sing 'Oh, Tannenbaum'.
Tim: Oh, my. You were a bad, bad Borland.
[to Jill]
Tim: Are you all right?
Al: Yeah I'm okay. It was a long time ago.
Tim: [to Jill] I meant, are YOU okay?

Al: [In church] I'll just take a pew behind you.
Tim: Most people use the bathroom, Al.

Al: I can't find Tim. I checked the bathrooms. Men's AND women's. Boy, was Mrs. Lindsey surprised.

Al: I saw Mark in his little robe. Boy, I always wanted to be the letter N.
Tim: That's impossible, Al. The song specifically says No Al.
[singing to the tune of Noel]
Tim: No Al, No Al, No Al, No Al.

[the members of the Christmas service choir have letters pinned onto their robes to spell "NOEL", but are standing out of order]
Al: Who's "LEON"?
Randy Taylor: Maybe Leon was born in the manger next door.


"Home Improvement: 'Twas the Flight Before Christmas (#5.12)" (1995)
Al Borland: On the other hand...
Tim: Al, that's 8 hands. Why not take one of them and slap yourself?

Ilene Markham: Al, you are 37 years old, don't you think it's time to cut the cord?
Al Borland: Cut the cord?
Tim: Cut the cord? That's the only extension cord I've got to handle those lights.
Al Borland: This is not about your stupid lights. My relationship with Ilene is hanging in the balance.
Tim: So the extension cord's okay?

The Clerk: Would you gentlemen care for some flight insurance?
Tim, Al Borland: No!
The Clerk: Okay, but if your plane crashes, you'll be sorry.

Al Borland: I still don't know what to do about Ilene and my mother. How can I choose between the woman who means more to me than anything... and my girlfriend?


"Home Improvement: Dream On (#3.14)" (1994)
Al: Well thank you, Tim! Ilene broke up with me. She took my car and said never wants to see me again.
Tim: Al, she's coming back.
Al: How do you know?
Tim: If she doesn't, it's grand theft auto.

Al: Last night, something very disturbing happened: Ilene... had a dream.
Tim: No! Not a dream. While she was sleeping? I don't know, scientists may want to study her.

Tim: Al, I only make fun of people and joke around with people I like.
Al: Then you must like me an awful lot.
Tim: I think of you as one of my brothers.
Al: You do?
Tim: Yeah. I used to joke and gag around with them all the time, that's why most of them won't speak to me to this day.

Al: So you're saying that when you make fun of my weight and my beard, it's because you like me?
Tim: Yeah.
Al: How about when you tease me about wearing flannel?
Tim: I do that because you look ridiculous.


"Home Improvement: Reel Men (#3.15)" (1994)
Al: [after Tim has fallen through the ice] I can't believe that you came up here without an extra set of clothes.
Tim: Well, I wasn't planning on falling through the ice.
Al: Well, everyone knows that when coming on a trip like this you have to be prepared for every possible contingency, and with you every contingency is possible. You should just be glad that I brought a spare change of clothes.
Tim: Oh, yeah, right
[he stands up showing that the pants and shirt are way too big]
Tim: What is this, one size fits Al?

Al: [after Tim has fallen through the ice] You know, Tim, I was hoping that on this trip we would be able to talk on a more personal level.
Tim: Personal? How much more personal can it get, I'm wearing your underwear.
Al: Well, I was hoping that we could talk about our hopes, our dreams and fears...
[pause as Tim reaches into the pocket of his wet jeans and realizes that he has lost the car keys]
Al: Tell me you didn't lose the car keys.
Tim: I hope I didn't, but I fear I did. You want to go and look, I've already been in.

Tim: [while chiseling a hole through ice for ice fishing he accidentally knocks Al's chisel through the ice] Where you attached to that chisel?
Al: What, Tim that, that chisel has been in my family for generations, it was handed down to me by my great-grandfather Hal Borland.
Tim: Well, it's not like it was new.

Al: [Tim is fiddling with the heater] What are you doing?
Tim: I'm using my know-how to double the heat out of this thing.
Al: Would that be the same know-how you used to double the size of the hole?


"Home Improvement: A Battle of Wheels (#1.21)" (1992)
Al: But first, I would like to get something off my chest.
Tim: That tie?
Al: Ah, I'm just a little bit cheesed here. The other day I was in the supermarket and I... I was in the frozen food section. And they had lima beans, 3 for a dollar. And I took four. And the lady at the check-out counter said, "Hey, can't you count?"

Al: I take my work seriously and all you do is crack jokes.
Tim: Crack jokes? Well the way you bend over like that...
Al: See? Now that's what I'm talking about.

Al: Anyone can do what you do.
Tim: Oh really? You think you could do what I do?
Al: Oh please. How hard could it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time?
Tim: A lot harder than it looks.

Al: Speaking of staple guns, do you suppose that they call it a staple gun, because it shoots out staples?
[Audience is silent]
Tim: Yes I do, Al.


"Home Improvement: Haunting of Taylor House (#2.6)" (1992)
Tim: Well, although we all can't be as spooky as Al, we can carve some pretty good jack o'lanterns.
Al: That's right; as the audience can see, I'm all finished with mine.
[he turns it on, and it's a picture of Bob Vila; the audience applauds]
Tim: Yeah, yeah; well, I could spend long boring hours chiseling it out with these, or I could put some excitement into the pumpkin-carving process - I would use what?
Crowd: MORE POWER!
Tim: You're darn right, more power; I've already chunked and chiseled this baby out, and now all I need is a small explosion to knock the pieces out.

Danny: [Tim is dressed as Nana-stein, a creepy old woman] This is pathetic. You're in a dress, your son is a doll, and your wife is a radish.
Jill: Hey, I'm a carrot. Learn your vegetables.
Tim: Hey, lighten up; don't ruin this for everybody else, okay?
Danny: If you built this, it's all gonna fall apart anyway. I've seen your show. It ought to be called Fool Time.
Tim: [after pause] You know, making fun of Nana-stein's favorite show is not a good idea, son. Why don't you check out Nana's tool box.
Danny: Oh ho, a tool box. I'm scared. What's gonna happen? Is a wrench gonna pop out and say, "Boo!"
Tim: I don't know...
Danny: [the tool box falls apart to reveal an upside-down bucket] Ooo ho ho, a bucket. I'm really scared.
[lifts the bucket to find Al's bloody fanged head]
Al: Grrr! Arrr!
[Danny screams in fright and runs]

Al: [unable to find Tim, who is hiding behind the set with a zombie mask on] Tim! Tim!
Tim: [in a gruff voice] Tim's not here.
[he comes out with the mask on, trying to scare Al]
Tim: Hey, Al, that's a good costume you got on; what are you?
Al: [dryly] I'm Al.
Tim: [shrieking to the camera] Ahhh, it's an Al!


"Home Improvement: The Look (#5.7)" (1995)
Tim: [reading off the menu] Chile and onions, chile-cheese dog, three cheese chile omlets. Wheeew I think I've died and gone to heavan.
Al: I know what killed you.

Al: I hate the look.
Marty Taylor: How would you know about the look? You're not even married.
Al: I get the look when I am snippy to mother.

Harry: Why can't you do it?
Dolores: I'm in the middle of a shift.
Harry: Well I'm working too.
Dolores: [sarcastically] Yeah right, looks like you're killing yourself. Harry, I am telling you to go get her.
Harry: I'm telling you no!
[Dolores stops and begins to turn around]
Tim: Look out, guys, here it comes!
[Tim and Marty duck; Dolores flashes "the look". Al and Benny stare in horror]
Benny Baroni: [after pause] Oh my God. I've never seen anything like it. Uh... Where's the podiatrist? I'll go get her myself.
[exits]
Al: Listen, I'll-I'll drive you there.
[follows Benny]
Harry: I'll show you the way!
[exits]


"Home Improvement: Room at the Top (#7.3)" (1997)
Al: The space between your ears could fill the Mall of America.
[Tim hisses]

Tim: Next, we'll try to convert some poor sap into Al's house guest.
Al: Then we'll convert that stuff on your face into an actual beard.
Tim: Gee, Al not everyone can grow a beard as fast as your mom.

Tim: You all know my assistant, Al Borland... Al? We're on the air, Al!
Al: [From inside the bathroom] What?
[Rushes out]
Al: You could have given me some warning.
Tim: Where would the fun be in that?


"Home Improvement: Whitewater (#8.1)" (1998)
Heidi: [half asleep] Does anybody know what time it is?
Jill: 5:00. Oh, my back.
Wilson: [about Al's snoring] I haven't heard sounds like that since I was in Nairobi, studying the breeding patterns of wart hogs.
Tim: Hoooh! Woo-ee! Did I sleep well or what? I got some hot, cheese blintzes in the oven, guys!
Heidi, Jill, Wilson, Kyle, Al: SHUT UP!
[they toss pillows at him]

Heidi: If everyone were a tube lizard like you, we'd all be maytagging by now.
Tim: Maytagging? Tube lizard? A couple of brochures and you're Popeye all of a sudden?
Al: Oh, you'll have to forgive Tim. He can't help being an insensitive LOUT!
Kyle: I can't take it anymore! So much noise I can't hear the voices in my head.


"Home Improvement: Roomie for Improvement (#2.7)" (1992)
Al: It's difficult to go through life with a deviated septum.
Tim: It could be worse. You could be working at the circus as Al the Donkey Boy.

Tim: [Al has locked him out] Al, you can't end it like this. We've had a relationship for three years.
Al: It's over between us.
Tim: Al, open the door.
Al: No. You should never have made that recording of me in bed.


"Home Improvement: Fifth Anniversary (#3.21)" (1994)
Tim: For men, there are two kinds of vegetables: your beans and your potatoes. I had my beans yesterday.
Al: I know.

Tim: And now, the moment we've all been waiting for: the introduction of the Man's Kitchen. A guy's galley. I am man, hear me roast.
[grunts]
Al: Well, Tim, what do you say we start'er up?
Tim: That's right. Only kitchen I know that has an ignition system.
[flicks some switches and turns the key. SFX: engine won't start]
Tim: Come on, come on.
Al: Maybe we should get jumper cables, hook it up to another kitchen.
Tim: Think I got it.
[tries again. Man's Kitchen activates]
Tim: Listen to that baby pur.


"Home Improvement: Futile Attraction (#7.18)" (1998)
Al: It's The Tiki Hut Cookbook.
Heidi: Do you like it?
Al: I love this. Now I can make pu-pu at home.

Heidi: Scott and I are separated. He moved out two weeks ago.
Al: Heidi, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say something about this before?
Heidi: Because I didn't want to bring my personal problems to work.
Tim: Why not?
Heidi: Because you said, "Don't ever bring your personal problems to work".
Tim: Since when do you listen to me?
Heidi: Since you said I'd better start listening to you.
Al: [to Tim] Nice going, Mr. Compassion!


"Home Improvement: The Wood, the Bad and the Hungry (#6.10)" (1996)
Al: [in Tim's dream, he is a wooden doll and Al is a snowman] We have something very special to show you today. Say hello to the new Binford 6100 Toolapalooza. It saws. It sands. It welds. It grinds. It does absolutely everything.
Tim: Not everything, Al. Does it feed the hungry? Does it clothe the naked? Does it heal the sick?
Al: I don't know. I haven't tried all the attachments.

Al: I tell you, the holidays come quicker every year.
Harry: Yeah, I know. I just got over July Fourth and now it's Thanksgiving.
[Tim enters abruptly, carrying a giant cardboard reindeer head]
Harry: Oh, that was fast, now it's Christmas.


"Home Improvement: Look Who's Not Talking (#1.11)" (1991)
Tim Taylor: There's nothing wrong with a man doing housework; I mean, Al does a lot of the cleaning around here.
Al Borland: I do *all* the cleaning, Tim.
Tim Taylor: Yeah, right, Al.
Al Borland: I could use some help.
Tim Taylor: We all could, Al.

Al Borland: Do anything fun this weekend?
Mark Taylor: Daddy and I dressed up like women.
Al Borland: ...Oh, really?
Tim Taylor: It's not like it sounds, Al.
Mark Taylor: Daddy had Mommy's hat on, and we both wore earrings.
Al Borland: Well, of course; earrings would complete the ensemble.
Tim Taylor: It's not like I had a bra on or anything, Al.
Al Borland: Well, maybe next time, Tim.


"Home Improvement: Aisle See You in My Dreams (#3.2)" (1993)
Al: [about dessert] I brought a very lovely tart.
Tim: Al, that's no way to talk about Ilene.

Al: Ilene!
Tim: Of course you lean. You're lopsided.


"Home Improvement: Don't Tell Momma (#4.2)" (1994)
Al: Show me the hand signals for swinging the crane.
Tim: Hello? Boom!
[shows him, accidentally breaking Al's home-made crane model]
Tim: Oh, sorry, Al. Uh, well I guess that's it for the hand signals.
Al: Actually, Tim, I do have one another hand signal for you that's not in the manual.

Al: Didn't you study the manual at all?
Tim: A real man doesn't need a manual.


"Home Improvement: For Whom the Belch Tolls (#1.14)" (1992)
Stu Cutler: [trying to make a joke with Al] Nice beard - had chili for lunch, huh?
Al Borland: [oblivious to the attempted humor] No, I didn't, Stu.
Stu Cutler: [again trying to kid around] ... So - gotta work with this jerk, huh, Al?
Al Borland: Yes, I do, Stu... Well, it was nice meeting you.
Stu Cutler: [as Al walks away] Uh, great sense of humor!
Al Borland: Thank you.

Tim Taylor: Now, the important thing about puttin' a door in is hanging it, because if it's not hung well, you got a problem. Right, Al?
Al Borland: Speak for yourself, Tim.


"Home Improvement: This Joke's for You (#3.3)" (1993)
[Tim tries to conduct Tool Time without jokes, after Randy calls him a clown]
Al: Oh, I see. That wasn't in the plans either. While this buzzer sends thousands of volts coursing through my body while he stands back and says, "Remember the AL-amo". Then comes the uncalled for slams against my mother. How she shops in the *husky* section. How she cleared out the all-you-can-eat buffet. Just go ahead say it...
[shouting]
Al: ...my mother is a big fat cow.
Tim: [after pause] Goodness gracious, Al.

Tim: Thank you, I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and you all know my assistant, Al... Borland.
Al: What's the matter, no stupid middle name? Is it my birthday?
Tim: We don't always have to joke around, you know, this isn't Fool Time.


"Home Improvement: Arrivederci, Binford (#3.5)" (1993)
Tim: [Tim and Al are at a bar after Mr. Binford has passed away] Crying won't bring him back!
Al: That isn't the point! You suffered a big loss! We all did!
[starts to cry]
Tim: Come on, pull it together, will you, Al?
Al: Well, I didn't really need that spicket! I just thought it'd be great to have hot chocolate once in a while!
Tim: [customers are staring at Al, who is shaking from crying so hard] It devastates him when they run out of corn nuts!


"Home Improvement: Taps (#6.24)" (1997)
Heidi: Hey Wilson, I would love to have this antique cheese whipper.
Al: That's not fair. I saw it first. I'll give you twice the asking price.
Heidi: I'll double that.
Wilson: Well, that brings us up to eighty cents.
Al: I'm out.


"Home Improvement: Clash of the Taylors (#7.2)" (1997)
Bridget: How come every time I drive by the plant, all that smoke is coming out of the stacks?
Tim, Al: THEY'RE SMOKESTACKS!
Tim: What do you expect to be coming out of there, Hai Karate? Some kind of whipped cream or something? What do you want?


"Home Improvement: Borland Ambition (#4.6)" (1994)
Al: I'd better go before the Putt-Putt is shut-shut.


"Home Improvement: A Frozen Moment (#3.10)" (1993)
Al: These are also useful if Superman wants to take a peek at your underwear.
Tim: No problem there. I'm not wearing any.


"Home Improvement: Howard's End (#2.14)" (1993)
Tim: I'm no more valuable than Al.
Al: I agree.
Tim: On the job site, there's no difference between Al's tools and my tools.
Al: Actually, Tim, there is: at the end of the job...
[Tries to switch on Tim's soupled-up power sander]
Al: ...my tools still work.


"Home Improvement: A House Divided (#4.18)" (1995)
Al: [found out there was another gas leak in the house that they didn't know about or repair] Benny! Did your aunt happen to mention that there was also a leak in the stove?
Benny: Maybe, it's hard to understand her when she's not wearing her teeth.
Al: You realize that there is the possibility that gas has been leaking in this house for the past half hour. the slightest spark could cause combustion.
Benny: Hey, take it easy. I disconnected all the electrical appliances like you asked.
Al: Ahh, well good.
Benny: Except that lamp over there. But you don't have to worry, it's the kind that only goes on when you clap.
Tim: [wanting to leave and not knowing the situation] C'mon guys lets go.
[He claps twice and the lamp turns on causing the house to blow up]
Tim: Let me guess, there was another leak.
Al: The stove.
Tim: BENNY!


"Home Improvement: The Dating Game (#7.10)" (1997)
Tim: Excuse me a sec, Al. I gotta go to the little mechanic's room.
Al: What?
Tim: I gotta change my oil!
Al: What?
Tim: Flush my coolant!
Al: What?
Tim: Pee!


"Home Improvement: Let's Go to the Videotape (#4.7)" (1994)
Tim: Hello, everybody. I'm Tim, the "cool" man, Taylor... and you know my assistant, the King, "Al-vis"!
Al: And we're going to have a rocking good time, because we're going to make a rocking chair.
Tim: This is the last theme show we're gonna do.


"Home Improvement: Wilson's Girlfriend (#4.25)" (1995)
Al Borland: Too much starch can irritate the skin.
Tim Taylor: Too much Al can irritate Tim.


"Home Improvement: Some Like It Hot Rod (#4.11)" (1994)
Tim: Oh no, we overslept.
Al: I have to go.
Tim: No, stick around awhile.
Al: [Running outside] No, I mean I have to GO.
Tim: We have a bathroom in the house, Al.


"Home Improvement: I'm Scheming of a White Christmas (#2.12)" (1992)
Tim: I'm driving.
Al: [Dressed as Santa Claus] Now, Tim, it's against regulations to let an elf drive the sleigh.


"Home Improvement: Birth of a Hot Rod (#2.24)" (1993)
Tim: Do you suppose that if this grass were on fire, it'd call Fescue 911?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.


"Home Improvement: The Great Race II (#3.25)" (1994)
[Jill is auctioning off the services of Tim and Bob Vila to raise money for the library. Vila went for $700]
Jill: I bid $300 for the Tool Man.
Al: You can't bid! You're the auctioneer!
Jill: It's my auction and I'll bid if I want to.


"Home Improvement: Tanks for the Memories (#5.15)" (1996)
Al: Colonel, allowing Tim to drive a tank well that's jeprodizing national security.
Tim: Would you cut it out Al.
Lt. Col. McDougal: Al you've got nothing to worry about, we've got 10,000 marines on the base to keep an eye on Tim.
Al: It's not enough.


"Home Improvement: Jill and Her Sisters (#6.8)" (1996)
Al: Heidi, bring out whatever ridiculous thing Tim souped up today!


"Home Improvement: No Place Like Home (#6.12)" (1996)
Al Borland: Cheerio, Tim.
Tim: Frosted Flakes to you, Al.


"Home Improvement: An Older Woman (#7.13)" (1998)
Al Borland: Why do you always put my face on anything you're about to maim or destroy?
Tim Taylor: Because your butt won't fit.


"Home Improvement: He Ain't Heavy, He's Just Irresponsible (#4.5)" (1994)
Al: I think one of these days, you're going to run out of flannel jokes.
Tim: I don't think so, Al. Not with my "Complete Flannel Joke Book".
[Tim pulls out a heavy dictionary-sized hardcover book labelled "The Complete Flannel Joke Book" from behind a prop and opens it]
Tim: "Why did the flannel cross the road? 'Cause Al was over there!" "Oh waiter, there's a fly in my flannel!" "Please... take my flannel!"
[Al snatches the book from Tim]
Tim: Then there's your handy wallet-sized version!
[Tim pulls a tiny hardcover book of the same color out of his pocket]
Tim: "How do you keep an idiot wearing flannel in suspense?"
[Al snatches the second book]
Tim: I'll tell you tomorrow!


"Home Improvement: The Old College Try (#7.12)" (1998)
Felix Mymnan: [Thanks to Tim, the water pipes are groaning loudly, fit to burst] I know that sound from when I worked on a sub in the navy.
Tim: What happens now?
Felix Myman: I'm going AWOL.
[Exits]
Al: Me too.
[Exits]
Tim: [to camera] I'm going down.


"Home Improvement: Stereo-typical (#1.24)" (1992)
[Janeen Rae Heller has been invited on Tool Time to play the saw]
Janeen Rae Heller: Any requests?
Al Borland: I have one. It's from my favorite movie.
Tim Taylor: Do you know the theme to Dumbo?
Al Borland: Tim, that's my favorite movie about an elephant.


"Home Improvement: 'Twas the Night Before Chaos (#4.12)" (1994)
Al: Merry Christmas. You know Christmas always reminds me of my childhood. I used to build a snowman every year. I used a carrot for its nose. Cookies for its eyes. Licorice for its smile.
Tim: That's a great story, Al. Unfortunately, Al's Mom usually ate the snowman.
Al: One year, she used the carrot to make coleslaw.


"Home Improvement: Luck Be a Taylor Tonight (#1.22)" (1992)
Tim: Hey Al, we need a fourth player for our poker game tonight. You wanna join us?
Al: I haven't played in about ten years.
Tim: Perfect.


"Home Improvement: Room for Change (#3.17)" (1994)
Al: [in a soundproof booth that isn't really soundproof] Tim, can you hear me?
[Tim shakes his head]
Al: You can't hear me? In that case, I should be the host of this show. And another thing, that's a stupid haircut you have! And another thing,
[sings]
Al: I am the very model of a modern major general / I've information vegetable, animal and mineral / I know the kings of England and I quote the facts historical / From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical.
Tim: Al.
Al: Yes?
Tim: Can you hear me?
Al: I can hear YOU.
Tim: Think about that.
[salutes Al]
Tim: Major General Borland.


"Home Improvement: Feud for Thought (#3.11)" (1993)
Al Borland: You know, Wilson. I always pictured myself getting married and having a bustling house full of kids. I'm starting to reconsider.
Wilson Wilson, Jr.: Well, Al, I wouldn't write off parenthood entirely. When you start off with a baby, you're a baby as a parent. Then as the children grow up, the parent grows too, so that hopefully when adolescence is reached, you're both ready for it.
Al Borland: That's a wonderful thought, Wilson.
Wilson Wilson, Jr.: Well, being a bachelor, it's easy to come up with these things.


"Home Improvement: Neighbors (#8.20)" (1999)
Tim: Al, what's your favorite part of gardening?
Al: Getting down and dirty with my hoe!


"Home Improvement: Fear of Flying (#5.17)" (1996)
Al Borland: Congratulations, Tim, on your first intergalactic screw-up.


"Home Improvement: Bachelor of the Year (#4.16)" (1995)
Jill: That's not what you think, is it, Tim?
Tim: It's not?
Jill: No.
Al: What DO you think?
Tim: I don't know, ask her.


"Home Improvement: Back in the Saddle Shoes Again (#4.1)" (1994)
Tim: My pneumatic dry-wall stilts.
Al: Pneumatic dry-wall stilts?
Tim: Is there an echo in the building?


"Home Improvement: May the Best Man Win (#2.8)" (1992)
[after Tim opens Al's jacket to reveal a loud Hawaiian shirt]
Tim Taylor: What the *hell* are you wearing?
Al Borland: Mo says sometimes I tend to blend into the background.
Tim Taylor: You're *supposed* to blend into the background!


"Home Improvement: Karate or Not, Here I Come (#2.19)" (1993)
Tim: [after unsuccessfully breaking a block of wood with his head] B-Binford Tools. Messages. We have 'em.
Al: We'll be right back.


"Home Improvement: Blow Up (#3.7)" (1993)
Tim: We're going to introduce a new color today: the color Al.
Al: I don't want to be a color, Tim.
Tim: Neither did red and look how well he turned out.


"Home Improvement: When Harry Kept Dolores (#5.18)" (1996)
Al: I'm part owner and she makes me feel like a stock boy.
Dolores: Hey stocky boy, run across the street and get me some hot tea.
Tim: Yeah, stocky boy. Remember how she likes it: two sugars and a big lump of arsenic.


"Home Improvement: Totally Tool Time (#6.15)" (1997)
Björn: Well after much thought and many changes of clothes, we have decided to buy Tool Time.
Al: Yes! Alright! Was it the man's gym that put you over the top?
Björn: Oh no, we liked the whole show. In Sweden we love slapstick comedy. You are the next Jerry Lewis.
Tim: Thank you.