Al Borland
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Quotes for
Al Borland (Character)
from "Home Improvement" (1991)

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"Home Improvement: Too Many Cooks (#3.19)" (1994)
Al: This is my assistant, Tim "Doesn't know Gumbo from Dumbo" Taylor.
Tim: Sure I do. Dumbo is a pachyderm and Gumbo is a little green guy who rides Pokey.

Al: Today on "Tool Time", we're going to show you how to make my famous Gumbo.
Tim: Some of you thought he said, "Dumbo". No, Dumbo is a pachyderm. Gumbo is a green guy who rides Pokey.

Al: You can put just about anything into Gumbo.
Tim: If we put Al's mom in here, we'd have "Jumbo Gumbo"!

Al: Do you think they call it Cajun cooking because you cook it in a cage?
Tim: I don't think so, Al.

Al: Now, if you want to go the sophisticated route...
Tim: You might wanna watch
[in sophisticated voice]
Tim: Masterpiece Tool Time, with your host, Alastaire Borland.
Al: Would that be an English accent?

Tim: Automatic door locks, ignition cut off, gas cut off
[points it at Al]
Tim: And not a moment too soon.
Al: Very funny, Tim. I'm sure our nursery school viewers are rolling in their sandboxes.

"Home Improvement: 'Twas the Blight Before Christmas (#3.12)" (1993)
Al: I saw Mark in his costume. I always wanted to be the letter N.
Tim: That's impossible, Al. The song specifically says No Al.
[singing to the tune of Noel]
Tim: No Al, No Al, No Al, No Al.

Al: I remember my first Christmas rebellion: I was so mad. My parents went out and bought an artificial tree. The whole Christmas I refused to sing 'Oh, Tannenbaum'.
Tim: Oh, my. You were a bad, bad Borland.
[to Jill]
Tim: Are you all right?
Al: Yeah I'm okay. It was a long time ago.
Tim: [to Jill] I meant, are YOU okay?

Al: [In church] I'll just take a pew behind you.
Tim: Most people use the bathroom, Al.

Al: I can't find Tim. I checked the bathrooms. Men's AND women's. Boy, was Mrs. Lindsey surprised.

Al: I saw Mark in his little robe. Boy, I always wanted to be the letter N.
Tim: That's impossible, Al. The song specifically says No Al.
[singing to the tune of Noel]
Tim: No Al, No Al, No Al, No Al.

[the members of the Christmas service choir have letters pinned onto their robes to spell "NOEL", but are standing out of order]
Al: Who's "LEON"?
Randy Taylor: Maybe Leon was born in the manger next door.

"Home Improvement: 'Twas the Flight Before Christmas (#5.12)" (1995)
Al Borland: On the other hand...
Tim: Al, that's 8 hands. Why not take one of them and slap yourself?

Ilene Markham: Al, you are 37 years old, don't you think it's time to cut the cord?
Al Borland: Cut the cord?
Tim: Cut the cord? That's the only extension cord I've got to handle those lights.
Al Borland: This is not about your stupid lights. My relationship with Ilene is hanging in the balance.
Tim: So the extension cord's okay?

The Clerk: Would you gentlemen care for some flight insurance?
Tim, Al Borland: No!
The Clerk: Okay, but if your plane crashes, you'll be sorry.

Al Borland: I still don't know what to do about Ilene and my mother. How can I choose between the woman who means more to me than anything... and my girlfriend?

"Home Improvement: Dream On (#3.14)" (1994)
Al: Well thank you, Tim! Ilene broke up with me. She took my car and said never wants to see me again.
Tim: Al, she's coming back.
Al: How do you know?
Tim: If she doesn't, it's grand theft auto.

Al: Last night, something very disturbing happened: Ilene... had a dream.
Tim: No! Not a dream. While she was sleeping? I don't know, scientists may want to study her.

Tim: Al, I only make fun of people and joke around with people I like.
Al: Then you must like me an awful lot.
Tim: I think of you as one of my brothers.
Al: You do?
Tim: Yeah. I used to joke and gag around with them all the time, that's why most of them won't speak to me to this day.

Al: So you're saying that when you make fun of my weight and my beard, it's because you like me?
Tim: Yeah.
Al: How about when you tease me about wearing flannel?
Tim: I do that because you look ridiculous.

"Home Improvement: Reel Men (#3.15)" (1994)
Al: [after Tim has fallen through the ice] I can't believe that you came up here without an extra set of clothes.
Tim: Well, I wasn't planning on falling through the ice.
Al: Well, everyone knows that when coming on a trip like this you have to be prepared for every possible contingency, and with you every contingency is possible. You should just be glad that I brought a spare change of clothes.
Tim: Oh, yeah, right
[he stands up showing that the pants and shirt are way too big]
Tim: What is this, one size fits Al?

Al: [after Tim has fallen through the ice] You know, Tim, I was hoping that on this trip we would be able to talk on a more personal level.
Tim: Personal? How much more personal can it get, I'm wearing your underwear.
Al: Well, I was hoping that we could talk about our hopes, our dreams and fears...
[pause as Tim reaches into the pocket of his wet jeans and realizes that he has lost the car keys]
Al: Tell me you didn't lose the car keys.
Tim: I hope I didn't, but I fear I did. You want to go and look, I've already been in.

Tim: [while chiseling a hole through ice for ice fishing he accidentally knocks Al's chisel through the ice] Where you attached to that chisel?
Al: What, Tim that, that chisel has been in my family for generations, it was handed down to me by my great-grandfather Hal Borland.
Tim: Well, it's not like it was new.

Al: [Tim is fiddling with the heater] What are you doing?
Tim: I'm using my know-how to double the heat out of this thing.
Al: Would that be the same know-how you used to double the size of the hole?

"Home Improvement: A Battle of Wheels (#1.21)" (1992)
Al: But first, I would like to get something off my chest.
Tim: That tie?
Al: Ah, I'm just a little bit cheesed here. The other day I was in the supermarket and I... I was in the frozen food section. And they had lima beans, 3 for a dollar. And I took four. And the lady at the check-out counter said, "Hey, can't you count?"

Al: I take my work seriously and all you do is crack jokes.
Tim: Crack jokes? Well the way you bend over like that...
Al: See? Now that's what I'm talking about.

Al: Anyone can do what you do.
Tim: Oh really? You think you could do what I do?
Al: Oh please. How hard could it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time?
Tim: A lot harder than it looks.

Al: Speaking of staple guns, do you suppose that they call it a staple gun, because it shoots out staples?
[Audience is silent]
Tim: Yes I do, Al.

"Home Improvement: Haunting of Taylor House (#2.6)" (1992)
Tim: Well, although we all can't be as spooky as Al, we can carve some pretty good jack o'lanterns.
Al: That's right; as the audience can see, I'm all finished with mine.
[he turns it on, and it's a picture of Bob Vila; the audience applauds]
Tim: Yeah, yeah; well, I could spend long boring hours chiseling it out with these, or I could put some excitement into the pumpkin-carving process - I would use what?
Tim: You're darn right, more power; I've already chunked and chiseled this baby out, and now all I need is a small explosion to knock the pieces out.

Danny: [Tim is dressed as Nana-stein, a creepy old woman] This is pathetic. You're in a dress, your son is a doll, and your wife is a radish.
Jill: Hey, I'm a carrot. Learn your vegetables.
Tim: Hey, lighten up; don't ruin this for everybody else, okay?
Danny: If you built this, it's all gonna fall apart anyway. I've seen your show. It ought to be called Fool Time.
Tim: [after pause] You know, making fun of Nana-stein's favorite show is not a good idea, son. Why don't you check out Nana's tool box.
Danny: Oh ho, a tool box. I'm scared. What's gonna happen? Is a wrench gonna pop out and say, "Boo!"
Tim: I don't know...
Danny: [the tool box falls apart to reveal an upside-down bucket] Ooo ho ho, a bucket. I'm really scared.
[lifts the bucket to find Al's bloody fanged head]
Al: Grrr! Arrr!
[Danny screams in fright and runs]

Al: [unable to find Tim, who is hiding behind the set with a zombie mask on] Tim! Tim!
Tim: [in a gruff voice] Tim's not here.
[he comes out with the mask on, trying to scare Al]
Tim: Hey, Al, that's a good costume you got on; what are you?
Al: [dryly] I'm Al.
Tim: [shrieking to the camera] Ahhh, it's an Al!

"Home Improvement: The Look (#5.7)" (1995)
Tim: [reading off the menu] Chile and onions, chile-cheese dog, three cheese chile omlets. Wheeew I think I've died and gone to heavan.
Al: I know what killed you.

Al: I hate the look.
Marty Taylor: How would you know about the look? You're not even married.
Al: I get the look when I am snippy to mother.

Harry: Why can't you do it?
Dolores: I'm in the middle of a shift.
Harry: Well I'm working too.
Dolores: [sarcastically] Yeah right, looks like you're killing yourself. Harry, I am telling you to go get her.
Harry: I'm telling you no!
[Dolores stops and begins to turn around]
Tim: Look out, guys, here it comes!
[Tim and Marty duck; Dolores flashes "the look". Al and Benny stare in horror]
Benny Baroni: [after pause] Oh my God. I've never seen anything like it. Uh... Where's the podiatrist? I'll go get her myself.
Al: Listen, I'll-I'll drive you there.
[follows Benny]
Harry: I'll show you the way!

"Home Improvement: Room at the Top (#7.3)" (1997)
Al: The space between your ears could fill the Mall of America.
[Tim hisses]

Tim: Next, we'll try to convert some poor sap into Al's house guest.
Al: Then we'll convert that stuff on your face into an actual beard.
Tim: Gee, Al not everyone can grow a beard as fast as your mom.

Tim: You all know my assistant, Al Borland... Al? We're on the air, Al!
Al: [From inside the bathroom] What?
[Rushes out]
Al: You could have given me some warning.
Tim: Where would the fun be in that?

"Home Improvement: Whitewater (#8.1)" (1998)
Heidi: [half asleep] Does anybody know what time it is?
Jill: 5:00. Oh, my back.
Wilson: [about Al's snoring] I haven't heard sounds like that since I was in Nairobi, studying the breeding patterns of wart hogs.
Tim: Hoooh! Woo-ee! Did I sleep well or what? I got some hot, cheese blintzes in the oven, guys!
Heidi, Jill, Wilson, Kyle, Al: SHUT UP!
[they toss pillows at him]

Heidi: If everyone were a tube lizard like you, we'd all be maytagging by now.
Tim: Maytagging? Tube lizard? A couple of brochures and you're Popeye all of a sudden?
Al: Oh, you'll have to forgive Tim. He can't help being an insensitive LOUT!
Kyle: I can't take it anymore! So much noise I can't hear the voices in my head.

"Home Improvement: Roomie for Improvement (#2.7)" (1992)
Al: It's difficult to go through life with a deviated septum.
Tim: It could be worse. You could be working at the circus as Al the Donkey Boy.

Tim: [Al has locked him out] Al, you can't end it like this. We've had a relationship for three years.
Al: It's over between us.
Tim: Al, open the door.
Al: No. You should never have made that recording of me in bed.

"Home Improvement: Fifth Anniversary (#3.21)" (1994)
Tim: For men, there are two kinds of vegetables: your beans and your potatoes. I had my beans yesterday.
Al: I know.

Tim: And now, the moment we've all been waiting for: the introduction of the Man's Kitchen. A guy's galley. I am man, hear me roast.
Al: Well, Tim, what do you say we start'er up?
Tim: That's right. Only kitchen I know that has an ignition system.
[flicks some switches and turns the key. SFX: engine won't start]
Tim: Come on, come on.
Al: Maybe we should get jumper cables, hook it up to another kitchen.
Tim: Think I got it.
[tries again. Man's Kitchen activates]
Tim: Listen to that baby pur.

"Home Improvement: Futile Attraction (#7.18)" (1998)
Al: It's The Tiki Hut Cookbook.
Heidi: Do you like it?
Al: I love this. Now I can make pu-pu at home.

Heidi: Scott and I are separated. He moved out two weeks ago.
Al: Heidi, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say something about this before?
Heidi: Because I didn't want to bring my personal problems to work.
Tim: Why not?
Heidi: Because you said, "Don't ever bring your personal problems to work".
Tim: Since when do you listen to me?
Heidi: Since you said I'd better start listening to you.
Al: [to Tim] Nice going, Mr. Compassion!

"Home Improvement: The Wood, the Bad and the Hungry (#6.10)" (1996)
Al: [in Tim's dream, he is a wooden doll and Al is a snowman] We have something very special to show you today. Say hello to the new Binford 6100 Toolapalooza. It saws. It sands. It welds. It grinds. It does absolutely everything.
Tim: Not everything, Al. Does it feed the hungry? Does it clothe the naked? Does it heal the sick?
Al: I don't know. I haven't tried all the attachments.

Al: I tell you, the holidays come quicker every year.
Harry: Yeah, I know. I just got over July Fourth and now it's Thanksgiving.
[Tim enters abruptly, carrying a giant cardboard reindeer head]
Harry: Oh, that was fast, now it's Christmas.

"Home Improvement: Look Who's Not Talking (#1.11)" (1991)
Tim Taylor: There's nothing wrong with a man doing housework; I mean, Al does a lot of the cleaning around here.
Al Borland: I do *all* the cleaning, Tim.
Tim Taylor: Yeah, right, Al.
Al Borland: I could use some help.
Tim Taylor: We all could, Al.

Al Borland: Do anything fun this weekend?
Mark Taylor: Daddy and I dressed up like women.
Al Borland: ...Oh, really?
Tim Taylor: It's not like it sounds, Al.
Mark Taylor: Daddy had Mommy's hat on, and we both wore earrings.
Al Borland: Well, of course; earrings would complete the ensemble.
Tim Taylor: It's not like I had a bra on or anything, Al.
Al Borland: Well, maybe next time, Tim.

"Home Improvement: Aisle See You in My Dreams (#3.2)" (1993)
Al: [about dessert] I brought a very lovely tart.
Tim: Al, that's no way to talk about Ilene.

Al: Ilene!
Tim: Of course you lean. You're lopsided.

"Home Improvement: Don't Tell Momma (#4.2)" (1994)
Al: Show me the hand signals for swinging the crane.
Tim: Hello? Boom!
[shows him, accidentally breaking Al's home-made crane model]
Tim: Oh, sorry, Al. Uh, well I guess that's it for the hand signals.
Al: Actually, Tim, I do have one another hand signal for you that's not in the manual.

Al: Didn't you study the manual at all?
Tim: A real man doesn't need a manual.

"Home Improvement: For Whom the Belch Tolls (#1.14)" (1992)
Stu Cutler: [trying to make a joke with Al] Nice beard - had chili for lunch, huh?
Al Borland: [oblivious to the attempted humor] No, I didn't, Stu.
Stu Cutler: [again trying to kid around] ... So - gotta work with this jerk, huh, Al?
Al Borland: Yes, I do, Stu... Well, it was nice meeting you.
Stu Cutler: [as Al walks away] Uh, great sense of humor!
Al Borland: Thank you.

Tim Taylor: Now, the important thing about puttin' a door in is hanging it, because if it's not hung well, you got a problem. Right, Al?
Al Borland: Speak for yourself, Tim.

"Home Improvement: This Joke's for You (#3.3)" (1993)
[Tim tries to conduct Tool Time without jokes, after Randy calls him a clown]
Al: Oh, I see. That wasn't in the plans either. While this buzzer sends thousands of volts coursing through my body while he stands back and says, "Remember the AL-amo". Then comes the uncalled for slams against my mother. How she shops in the *husky* section. How she cleared out the all-you-can-eat buffet. Just go ahead say it...
Al: mother is a big fat cow.
Tim: [after pause] Goodness gracious, Al.

Tim: Thank you, I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and you all know my assistant, Al... Borland.
Al: What's the matter, no stupid middle name? Is it my birthday?
Tim: We don't always have to joke around, you know, this isn't Fool Time.

"Home Improvement: Arrivederci, Binford (#3.5)" (1993)
Tim: [Tim and Al are at a bar after Mr. Binford has passed away] Crying won't bring him back!
Al: That isn't the point! You suffered a big loss! We all did!
[starts to cry]
Tim: Come on, pull it together, will you, Al?
Al: Well, I didn't really need that spicket! I just thought it'd be great to have hot chocolate once in a while!
Tim: [customers are staring at Al, who is shaking from crying so hard] It devastates him when they run out of corn nuts!

"Home Improvement: Taps (#6.24)" (1997)
Heidi: Hey Wilson, I would love to have this antique cheese whipper.
Al: That's not fair. I saw it first. I'll give you twice the asking price.
Heidi: I'll double that.
Wilson: Well, that brings us up to eighty cents.
Al: I'm out.

"Home Improvement: Clash of the Taylors (#7.2)" (1997)
Bridget: How come every time I drive by the plant, all that smoke is coming out of the stacks?
Tim: What do you expect to be coming out of there, Hai Karate? Some kind of whipped cream or something? What do you want?

"Home Improvement: Borland Ambition (#4.6)" (1994)
Al: I'd better go before the Putt-Putt is shut-shut.

"Home Improvement: A Frozen Moment (#3.10)" (1993)
Al: These are also useful if Superman wants to take a peek at your underwear.
Tim: No problem there. I'm not wearing any.

"Home Improvement: Howard's End (#2.14)" (1993)
Tim: I'm no more valuable than Al.
Al: I agree.
Tim: On the job site, there's no difference between Al's tools and my tools.
Al: Actually, Tim, there is: at the end of the job...
[Tries to switch on Tim's soupled-up power sander]
Al: tools still work.

"Home Improvement: A House Divided (#4.18)" (1995)
Al: [found out there was another gas leak in the house that they didn't know about or repair] Benny! Did your aunt happen to mention that there was also a leak in the stove?
Benny: Maybe, it's hard to understand her when she's not wearing her teeth.
Al: You realize that there is the possibility that gas has been leaking in this house for the past half hour. the slightest spark could cause combustion.
Benny: Hey, take it easy. I disconnected all the electrical appliances like you asked.
Al: Ahh, well good.
Benny: Except that lamp over there. But you don't have to worry, it's the kind that only goes on when you clap.
Tim: [wanting to leave and not knowing the situation] C'mon guys lets go.
[He claps twice and the lamp turns on causing the house to blow up]
Tim: Let me guess, there was another leak.
Al: The stove.

"Home Improvement: The Dating Game (#7.10)" (1997)
Tim: Excuse me a sec, Al. I gotta go to the little mechanic's room.
Al: What?
Tim: I gotta change my oil!
Al: What?
Tim: Flush my coolant!
Al: What?
Tim: Pee!

"Home Improvement: Let's Go to the Videotape (#4.7)" (1994)
Tim: Hello, everybody. I'm Tim, the "cool" man, Taylor... and you know my assistant, the King, "Al-vis"!
Al: And we're going to have a rocking good time, because we're going to make a rocking chair.
Tim: This is the last theme show we're gonna do.

"Home Improvement: Wilson's Girlfriend (#4.25)" (1995)
Al Borland: Too much starch can irritate the skin.
Tim Taylor: Too much Al can irritate Tim.

"Home Improvement: Some Like It Hot Rod (#4.11)" (1994)
Tim: Oh no, we overslept.
Al: I have to go.
Tim: No, stick around awhile.
Al: [Running outside] No, I mean I have to GO.
Tim: We have a bathroom in the house, Al.

"Home Improvement: I'm Scheming of a White Christmas (#2.12)" (1992)
Tim: I'm driving.
Al: [Dressed as Santa Claus] Now, Tim, it's against regulations to let an elf drive the sleigh.

"Home Improvement: Birth of a Hot Rod (#2.24)" (1993)
Tim: Do you suppose that if this grass were on fire, it'd call Fescue 911?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

"Home Improvement: The Great Race II (#3.25)" (1994)
[Jill is auctioning off the services of Tim and Bob Vila to raise money for the library. Vila went for $700]
Jill: I bid $300 for the Tool Man.
Al: You can't bid! You're the auctioneer!
Jill: It's my auction and I'll bid if I want to.

"Home Improvement: Tanks for the Memories (#5.15)" (1996)
Al: Colonel, allowing Tim to drive a tank well that's jeprodizing national security.
Tim: Would you cut it out Al.
Lt. Col. McDougal: Al you've got nothing to worry about, we've got 10,000 marines on the base to keep an eye on Tim.
Al: It's not enough.

"Home Improvement: Jill and Her Sisters (#6.8)" (1996)
Al: Heidi, bring out whatever ridiculous thing Tim souped up today!

"Home Improvement: No Place Like Home (#6.12)" (1996)
Al Borland: Cheerio, Tim.
Tim: Frosted Flakes to you, Al.

"Home Improvement: An Older Woman (#7.13)" (1998)
Al Borland: Why do you always put my face on anything you're about to maim or destroy?
Tim Taylor: Because your butt won't fit.

"Home Improvement: He Ain't Heavy, He's Just Irresponsible (#4.5)" (1994)
Al: I think one of these days, you're going to run out of flannel jokes.
Tim: I don't think so, Al. Not with my "Complete Flannel Joke Book".
[Tim pulls out a heavy dictionary-sized hardcover book labelled "The Complete Flannel Joke Book" from behind a prop and opens it]
Tim: "Why did the flannel cross the road? 'Cause Al was over there!" "Oh waiter, there's a fly in my flannel!" "Please... take my flannel!"
[Al snatches the book from Tim]
Tim: Then there's your handy wallet-sized version!
[Tim pulls a tiny hardcover book of the same color out of his pocket]
Tim: "How do you keep an idiot wearing flannel in suspense?"
[Al snatches the second book]
Tim: I'll tell you tomorrow!

"Home Improvement: The Old College Try (#7.12)" (1998)
Felix Mymnan: [Thanks to Tim, the water pipes are groaning loudly, fit to burst] I know that sound from when I worked on a sub in the navy.
Tim: What happens now?
Felix Myman: I'm going AWOL.
Al: Me too.
Tim: [to camera] I'm going down.

"Home Improvement: Stereo-typical (#1.24)" (1992)
[Janeen Rae Heller has been invited on Tool Time to play the saw]
Janeen Rae Heller: Any requests?
Al Borland: I have one. It's from my favorite movie.
Tim Taylor: Do you know the theme to Dumbo?
Al Borland: Tim, that's my favorite movie about an elephant.

"Home Improvement: 'Twas the Night Before Chaos (#4.12)" (1994)
Al: Merry Christmas. You know Christmas always reminds me of my childhood. I used to build a snowman every year. I used a carrot for its nose. Cookies for its eyes. Licorice for its smile.
Tim: That's a great story, Al. Unfortunately, Al's Mom usually ate the snowman.
Al: One year, she used the carrot to make coleslaw.

"Home Improvement: Luck Be a Taylor Tonight (#1.22)" (1992)
Tim: Hey Al, we need a fourth player for our poker game tonight. You wanna join us?
Al: I haven't played in about ten years.
Tim: Perfect.

"Home Improvement: Room for Change (#3.17)" (1994)
Al: [in a soundproof booth that isn't really soundproof] Tim, can you hear me?
[Tim shakes his head]
Al: You can't hear me? In that case, I should be the host of this show. And another thing, that's a stupid haircut you have! And another thing,
Al: I am the very model of a modern major general / I've information vegetable, animal and mineral / I know the kings of England and I quote the facts historical / From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical.
Tim: Al.
Al: Yes?
Tim: Can you hear me?
Al: I can hear YOU.
Tim: Think about that.
[salutes Al]
Tim: Major General Borland.

"Home Improvement: Feud for Thought (#3.11)" (1993)
Al Borland: You know, Wilson. I always pictured myself getting married and having a bustling house full of kids. I'm starting to reconsider.
Wilson Wilson, Jr.: Well, Al, I wouldn't write off parenthood entirely. When you start off with a baby, you're a baby as a parent. Then as the children grow up, the parent grows too, so that hopefully when adolescence is reached, you're both ready for it.
Al Borland: That's a wonderful thought, Wilson.
Wilson Wilson, Jr.: Well, being a bachelor, it's easy to come up with these things.

"Home Improvement: Neighbors (#8.20)" (1999)
Tim: Al, what's your favorite part of gardening?
Al: Getting down and dirty with my hoe!

"Home Improvement: Fear of Flying (#5.17)" (1996)
Al Borland: Congratulations, Tim, on your first intergalactic screw-up.

"Home Improvement: Bachelor of the Year (#4.16)" (1995)
Jill: That's not what you think, is it, Tim?
Tim: It's not?
Jill: No.
Al: What DO you think?
Tim: I don't know, ask her.

"Home Improvement: Back in the Saddle Shoes Again (#4.1)" (1994)
Tim: My pneumatic dry-wall stilts.
Al: Pneumatic dry-wall stilts?
Tim: Is there an echo in the building?

"Home Improvement: May the Best Man Win (#2.8)" (1992)
[after Tim opens Al's jacket to reveal a loud Hawaiian shirt]
Tim Taylor: What the *hell* are you wearing?
Al Borland: Mo says sometimes I tend to blend into the background.
Tim Taylor: You're *supposed* to blend into the background!

"Home Improvement: Karate or Not, Here I Come (#2.19)" (1993)
Tim: [after unsuccessfully breaking a block of wood with his head] B-Binford Tools. Messages. We have 'em.
Al: We'll be right back.

"Home Improvement: Blow Up (#3.7)" (1993)
Tim: We're going to introduce a new color today: the color Al.
Al: I don't want to be a color, Tim.
Tim: Neither did red and look how well he turned out.

"Home Improvement: When Harry Kept Dolores (#5.18)" (1996)
Al: I'm part owner and she makes me feel like a stock boy.
Dolores: Hey stocky boy, run across the street and get me some hot tea.
Tim: Yeah, stocky boy. Remember how she likes it: two sugars and a big lump of arsenic.

"Home Improvement: Totally Tool Time (#6.15)" (1997)
Björn: Well after much thought and many changes of clothes, we have decided to buy Tool Time.
Al: Yes! Alright! Was it the man's gym that put you over the top?
Björn: Oh no, we liked the whole show. In Sweden we love slapstick comedy. You are the next Jerry Lewis.
Tim: Thank you.