Mark Taylor
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Quotes for
Mark Taylor (Character)
from "Home Improvement" (1991)

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"Home Improvement: Flying Sauces (#1.8)" (1991)
Mark Taylor: Mom said you're supposed to be nice to me.
Randy Taylor: You see Mom anywhere in this backyard? Now get lost.
Mark Taylor: You've *got* to play with me; we're brothers.
Randy Taylor: ...We're not your brothers.
Mark Taylor: Yes, you are.
Randy Taylor: I'm gonna let you in on a secret. We're aliens from outer space.
Mark Taylor: You're a big fat liar, Randy!
Randy Taylor: My name isn't Randy; it's Zelnot!
Brad Taylor: I'm Zorton.
Mark Taylor: No, you're not; you're Brad and Randy.
Randy Taylor: No... Brad and Randy are gone. We sucked the blood out of their brains and took over their bodies. We have *many* powers. We can read minds.
Mark Taylor: No, you can't.
Randy Taylor: I'll prove it. Zorton?
Brad Taylor: Talk to me, Zelnot.
Randy Taylor: I'm thinking of a number between one and ten; what is it?
Brad Taylor: Four!
Randy Taylor: That's right.

Tim Taylor: Why are you walkin' backwards? You could hurt yourself doin' that.
Mark Taylor: Better than getting all my blood sucked out.
Tim Taylor: ...He's got a good point there.
Jill Taylor: Have you been talking to your brothers? What have they been telling you now?
Mark Taylor: They think you're all from outer space.
Jill Taylor: Honey, you know that's not true.
Tim Taylor: Jill, sometimes you wake up early in the morning...

Mark Taylor: Are you gonna make Brad and Randy say they're sorry?
Tim Taylor: Well, you have two choices: You either make 'em apologize, or we could get even.
Mark Taylor: Get even!
Tim Taylor: That's my boy!

"Home Improvement: Insult to Injury (#6.21)" (1997)
Brad: He wouldn't!
Mark: He couldn't!
Randy: He's Dad!

Brad: He wouldn't!
Mark: He couldn't!
Randy: He's DAD!

"Home Improvement: Look Who's Not Talking (#1.11)" (1991)
Mark Taylor: I have a woman - Mommy.
Randy Taylor: Your mommy can't be your woman, doofus.
Tim Taylor: A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure *that* one out.

Al Borland: Do anything fun this weekend?
Mark Taylor: Daddy and I dressed up like women.
Al Borland: ...Oh, really?
Tim Taylor: It's not like it sounds, Al.
Mark Taylor: Daddy had Mommy's hat on, and we both wore earrings.
Al Borland: Well, of course; earrings would complete the ensemble.
Tim Taylor: It's not like I had a bra on or anything, Al.
Al Borland: Well, maybe next time, Tim.

"Home Improvement: Yule Better Watch Out (#1.12)" (1991)
Randy Taylor: Mark, you're too old to believe in Santa Claus; kids are gonna start to make fun of you.
Mark Taylor: What are you talking about?
Randy Taylor: I hate to break it to you, but there is no Santa Claus.
Mark Taylor: You guys are poop-heads!
Randy Taylor: OK, fine; here's the truth: There used to be a Santa Claus, but he died six years ago.
Brad Taylor: Yep... you just missed out.
Mark Taylor: Santa Claus isn't dead.
Randy Taylor: Yes, he is. He had a terrible accident with one of his reindeer - Blitzen fell on him.

Mark Taylor: So Santa's alive?
Jill Taylor: ...Yeah; you sat on his lap at the mall.
Mark Taylor: But there are a lot of malls; how can he be at every one?
Tim Taylor: He's real fast for a fat guy.
Jill Taylor: Actually, honey, I think that those guys at the mall are Santa's helpers - you know, the way that Al is Daddy's helper.
Tim Taylor: Right.
Mark Taylor: [suddenly understanding] So *they* do all the work.
Tim Taylor: [irritated] They *assist* Santa, like Al *assists* me.

"Home Improvement: Adventures in Fine Dining (#1.6)" (1991)
Tim Taylor: A live chicken? Brad, who the hell do you hang out with?
Brad Taylor: Mom...
Jill Taylor: What?
Brad Taylor: Dad's cussing.
Tim Taylor: I wasn't cussing.
Mark Taylor: He said a bad word.
Tim Taylor: It wasn't bad.
Randy Taylor: Yeah, he said "hell" and "damn".
Tim Taylor: I did *not* say "damn".
Randy Taylor: *Now* you did.

Mark Taylor: Dad, Brad and Randy are doing bad things.
Tim Taylor: Unless it involves human sacrifice, I don't wanna hear about it.
Mark Taylor: Okay, I'll let you know.

"Home Improvement: The Old College Try (#7.12)" (1998)
Tim Taylor: Hello Jill.
Randy, Mark: Goodbye Mom.

Tim: Hello Jill.
Mark, Randy: Goodbye Mom.

"Home Improvement: The Wood, the Bad and the Hungry (#6.10)" (1996)
[Tim is dreaming that he and his family are wooden dolls]
Tim: Boys, go get your rooms and put them in the box.
Mark: But where are we going to live?
Tim: You, you, you. You people have got to stop thinking about yourselves.
Jill: Tim, you've changed. You're caring. Giving. You're... loving. And you've got a termite coming out of your ear.
Tim: Have a little compassion. Even the lowliest creature needs a friend.

"Home Improvement: A Taylor Runs Through It (#5.1)" (1995)
Brad: [while fly fishing] Hey Wilson, can you show us how to do that forward cast?
Wilson: Certianly Brad, you start at one o'clock and you end up at ten o'clock.
Mark: [as Tim does it wrong] Dad he said ten o'clock.
Tim: I didn't know he ment ten o'clock eastern time.

"Home Improvement: The Colonel (#3.16)" (1994)
The Colonel: And then, who should grab my shoulder but General Douglas MacArthur.
Mark: Who?
The Colonel: Your father never told you about General MacArthur?
Mark: No, but he told me about General Motors.

"Home Improvement: Dream On (#3.14)" (1994)
Randy: [Brad has spelled "Melonology" on a Scrabble board] Melonology?
Brad: The study of melons.
Mark: There is no such thing as melonology.
Brad: Yeah, there is. Call the produce department at the grocery store, and find out!
Randy: Who should I ask for, the melonologist?

"Home Improvement: Where There's a Will, There's a Way (#2.9)" (1992)
Mark: But Mom, they were gonna play with me.
Jill: Mark, when Brad and Randy say they want to play with you, always ask yourself, "What do they want to DO to me?"

"Home Improvement: Groin Pains (#2.4)" (1992)
Tim: There's two different types of pain. Pain and man pain.
Mark: What's man pain?
Tim: Man pain is when you do something stupid.

"Home Improvement: Engine and a Haircut, Two Fights (#5.21)" (1996)
Tim: Ice cold pop for my favorite son.
Mark: I'm your favorite son?
Tim: Well, you're my last hope. One son looks like a sumo wrestler, the other one's in there putting moves on his mother.

"Home Improvement: A House Divided (#4.18)" (1995)
Brad: Why aren't we having eggs?
Tim: Benny ate them.
Mark: Or bacon?
Jill: Benny.
Randy: Or toast?
Tim: Benny.
Jill: Who ties up the phone, puts dark laundry in with our whites, sleeps all day, sits on the couch watches T.V. all night?
Tim: Benny.
Brad: Who do we want out of the house?
Brad, Tim, Mark, Jill, Randy: Benny!

"Home Improvement: All in the Family (#8.3)" (1998)
Mark: The Taylors, if their the typical American family, this country's in trouble.

"Home Improvement: Mow Better Blues (#1.2)" (1991)
Mark Taylor: You know that tape measure that you could never find?
Tim Taylor: Go ahead. Tell me, you lost it.
Mark Taylor: No. Brad and Randy broke it.
Tim Taylor: Good to have you back, son.

"Home Improvement: An Older Woman (#7.13)" (1998)
Mark: Here comes the groom.
Brad: Shut up.
Randy: You know, Brad, we were thinking about places to have your bachelor party. How do you feel about Chuck E. Cheese's?
Mark: Yeah , the groom gets free tokens.

"Home Improvement: For Whom the Belch Tolls (#1.14)" (1992)
Tim Taylor: Tell you what - why don't you go down to Club Piranha and *you* hang out with those guys tonight?
Stu Cutler: Without you? C'mon - it won't be the same.
Tim Taylor: Stu, I don't think it *is* the same.
[a moment passes, and Mark presses his face up to the window]
Mark Taylor: Dad - dinner's ready; can I turn on the video?

"Home Improvement: The Eve of Construction (#3.18)" (1994)
Randy: Sounds like Mom's kicking your butt.
Jill: Yeah, with Al and a team of girls.
Mark: You're losing to girls?
Tim: I wouldn't consider Miss America a girl. She's almost professional. I heard in her talent competition she put up drywall.

"Home Improvement: Up Your Alley (#1.13)" (1992)
Tim: [Bowling] You're dead, pin. You're dead. You and your nine scrawny friends too.
[Throws the ball]
Mark: Yay, Daddy, you did it. You knocked down that one pin.
Jill: And you left his nine scrawny friends.

"Home Improvement: This Joke's for You (#3.3)" (1993)
Tim: Listen, what do you think Nana called Mom when she was little?
Mark: Jill?
Tim: No, a name that might annoy her.
Brad: Tim.
Tim: Back off. Okay, when she was real little, Nana used to call her...
Jill: [Over intercom] Don't even think about it, Tim.

"Home Improvement: Bachelor of the Year (#4.16)" (1995)
Mark: Sam has $8. 00. Billy has nothing.
Tim: Okay, let's use real money. $8. 00. I'll be Sam, you be Billy.
Mark: Sam gives Billy 50% of what he has. Now Billy gives Sam 50% of what he has. Now, Sam gives Billy 100% of what he has left. How much does Sam have?
Tim: Nothing.
Mark: Exactly. Thanks, Sam.
[Takes the money]
Tim: Sam wasn't a real bright guy, was he?

"Home Improvement: Karate or Not, Here I Come (#2.19)" (1993)
Mark: You guys are lying.
Jill: Mark, let me handle this. You guys are lying.