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: I can burp with the best of them. I can fling ear wax from thirty feet across the room. Jill
: That's why I married you.
: Oh yeah, Dad, by the way I'm still getting the all-Spanish station through my intercom. Tim
: Real funny. Don't quit your day job. Jill
: That was real adult. Tim
: Well he started it.
: Mom called me a nickname and she always called me this nickname. She said it when I was 14, we just moved to a new place and she said it right in front of all my new friends. I was so mad at her. The mean things I called her. Tim
: Never mind what you called her, what did she call you? Jill
: Oh right, like I'm really gonna tell you. You have to swear that you won't breathe a word of it to anyone. Tim
: Cross my heart and hope to die. Hope a wrench hits me right in the eye. Jill
: Jilly Dilly.
: I don't want to hear that name in this house ever again. Tim
: I may have to say it on Tool Time.
: Parents are the bone on which children sharpen their teeth. What I'm saying is that when a boy is young, he worships his father and in order for the boy to become a man, he's got to see his father as a fallible human being and stop seeing him as a god.
: Where's Randy? I got to talk to him. I just found out I'm not God. Jill
: Oh Tim, I'm so sorry. Tim
: [to Randy
] I know what's going on here. You're at the point in your life where you have to clean your teeth on my bones.
: Listen, what do you think Nana called Mom when she was little? Mark
: Jill? Tim
: No, a name that might annoy her. Brad
: Tim. Tim
: Back off. Okay, when she was real little, Nana used to call her... Jill
: [Over intercom
] Don't even think about it, Tim.
: Today is the day. Jill
: That you come to your senses and realize we don't need an intercom? Tim
: The day I come to my senses is a long way off.
: I decided that if a girl is going to like me, she's going to like me for who I am. Jill
: She dumped you, huh? Brad
: The family is always together on Christmas. We hang our stockings together. We talk to relatives on the phone. You have your new saxophone so you can play along while we sing carols and I'm going to make nana's special oyster pecan stuffing. Tim
] Do you suppose there's room for one more skier in that car?
: We're always together at Christmas, even that year your father fell down the chimney. We were together. We were in the emergency room but we were together.
: This weekend is the Tool Time marathon. 40 straight hours of Tim and Al hijinks. Jill
: It's also Christmas. Tim
: It's also Christmas.
: You lied in church on Christmas Eve? Watch out for those lightning bolts. God doesn't like that stuff. Jill
: At least I'm not begging the Almighty for two touchdowns and a field goal.
: [In church
] Where are you going? Tim
: Um, to the little boys' room to take a pew.
: I would have loved to make Brad come here against his will. Jill
: That's a great vision for Christmas Eve: The four of us singing hymns, you with Brad in a headlock.
: Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation. Tim Taylor
: Says who? The "Wives With Knives" club?
: A woman? You brought me here to see a woman? Jill Taylor
: I didn't know she was a woman. My gynecologist just said Dr. Kaplan was the best urologist in town. Tim Taylor
: How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in man land? Jill Taylor
: "Man Land?" Now you've got a theme park between your legs?
: Why don't you tell us what's involved in the procedure. Tim Taylor
: Yeah, I'm dying to hear this. Dr. Kaplan
: Well, the morning of your appointment you'd have to shave in the area where I'll be making the incisions. Tim Taylor
: [pointing at his crotch
] Shave? Here? Dr. Kaplan
: It's just a routine procedure. Tim Taylor
: Not in my house it's not! What do you think, I wake up in the morning, brush my teeth, comb my hair, and shave Ping and Pong? Jill Taylor
: Well, you could go to a barber but it might be a little awkward. Dr. Kaplan
: The first thing I do is give you a shot that's a local. Tim Taylor
: Local like here in Detroit? Dr. Kaplan
: No local like here in your scrotum. Tim Taylor
: Oh boy. Dr. Kaplan
: That does sting for a few seconds. Tim Taylor
: You think? Dr. Kaplan
: Then I make two small cuts and simply divide and tie up the tubes. The discomfort is really very minimal. Tim Taylor
: Yeah, why don't you tell that to the boys in the basement! Dr. Kaplan
: You'll be back to normal in a few days. The only restriction at all is that you won't be able to drive home that day. Tim Taylor
: What? I can't drive? Forget about it.
] Jill Taylor
: [gets up
] Now, what do you mean "forget about it?" Tim Taylor
: [gets his jacket
] Honey, honestly I was really into it up till that point. The driving thing, that iced it.
[opens the door
] Jill Taylor
: It's just one day! Tim Taylor
: Look, it's bad enough to separate a man from his sperm, but to separate a man from his car - that's inhuman!
: Tim, didn't you hear one word that doctor said? Tim Taylor
: Yeah, yeah. She wants to take the Zippidy out of my Doo-Dah! Jill Taylor
: Look, I know how hard it was for you to even talk to that doctor, but I'd hoped that once we got out of there we could have a rational, reasonable discussion about it. Tim Taylor
: We did - in the car on the way home. Jill Taylor
: All you did all the way home was come up with one ridiculous excuse after another. Tim Taylor
: That's not true. I merely said that for this sort of thing, it might be better to wait for warmer weather. Jill Taylor
] I'll knit you a little sweater! Tim Taylor
: You heard what she said: shots, shaving. You don't understand about the pain down there.
[turns on the TV
] Jill Taylor
: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute!
[turns off the TV
] Jill Taylor
: I don't understand about the pain down there? I, who had three children *ripped* from my loins? In what is laughingly described as "natural" childbirth? Tim Taylor
: Oh boy, here we go. The pain of childbirth. Isn't there a statute of limitations on this? Jill Taylor
: Isn't there a statute of limitations on you being a complete bonehead? Tim Taylor
[gets up and walks around the room. Jill follows him
] Jill Taylor
: You are totally unwilling to accept responsibility for what I have accepted total responsibility for since we met! Tim Taylor
: This is not about accepting responsibility. This is about me being neutered and chewing on my slippers!
[gets his jacket
] Jill Taylor
: Who said anything about you being neutered? Tim Taylor
: Certain experts I talked to. Jill Taylor
: Oh, what experts? Harry and Benny? Where'd they get their degrees? University of I'm An Idiot? Tim Taylor
: Well, they may be idiots but they think exactly like I do!
: So what d'you think? Tim Taylor
: I think I have more questions. Jill Taylor
: Okay, such as what? Tim Taylor
: Do they make a home kit so I can do it right here in the garage? Jill Taylor
: I don't think so. Tim Taylor
: Could this count as your birthday present? Jill Taylor
: Absolutely, yeah. For once, I wouldn't have to stand in line and return it. Tim Taylor
: And, um, while I'm preparing for this, will you go out a find me very, very mild aftershave? Jill Taylor
] Yeah, I'll work on that, yeah. Tim Taylor
: Gotta be careful about slapping it on, too.
[Jill wants Tim to get a vasectomy
: I thought you were talking about the tube-tying thing. Jill
: Well, I am talking about the tube-tying thing, except it's your tubes.
: [working on his hot rod
] Hey, Randy - you finish your homework? Randy Taylor
: Yeah. Tim Taylor
: Wanna help? Randy Taylor
] No. Tim Taylor
: Where did I go wrong with him? Jill Taylor
: Don't worry about it; he's not yours.
: You can't unplug the sink with needlenose pliers. Jill Taylor
: I'm gonna use the pliers to get your screwdriver out of the drain.
: Look - you've got to learn basic plumbing. What would happen if I died? Jill Taylor
: And all the plumbers are dead?
: I don't think you realize that I worked two hours on this sink! Jill Taylor
: But I worked two hours on this sink before you did. Tim Taylor
: Worked? You just threw tools down there.
: Honey, I thought we share responsibilities here. Jill Taylor
: We do. Tim Taylor
: Well, I learned how to do the laundry, separate the colors, put the fabric softener in. Jill Taylor
: Wait - wait a minute. When was the last time that you did the laundry, Tim? Tim Taylor
: You know, that's - this isn't the point. The point is, I learned how to do it. I don't see you out there changing spark plugs. Jill Taylor
: Do you want me to go out and change the spark plugs? Tim Taylor
: You don't know how to do it. Jill Taylor
: That's why I *don't* do it.
: [posing as a "Tool Time" audience member
] My husband always yells at me a lot when he tries to teach me something. Tim Taylor
: That's probably because he used meta-messages; that's making things sound more complicated than they are... using technical jargon to make women feel inferior. And I'm sure he didn't know that he was doing that, and I'm sure he's real sorry that he did that. Jill Taylor
: Well, uh, I wouldn't mind learning if my husband were as patient and understanding as you are - although, I must say, um, he is your biggest fan.
: [They're in the car, driving to a wedding
] I know where we're going. I know where we are. Jill
: There's a sign. "Adrian, Six Miles". Adrian. Adrian is on 223, we are down and right. We should be up and left. We have gone way out of the way. Tim
: Thank you, Rand McNally. And we're only an inch or so off. Jill
: I see, so when we hit Ecuador, you'll say we're off by about a foot and a half?
: By the time I stop and ask for directions, we're going to be there. Watch the map; you're folding it wrong. Jill
: Who died and made you the map police? Tim
: The next sign we see will be North Adams. Right there, what does that sign say? Jill
: "Welcome to Ohio". Tim
: Um... We won't be needing that Michigan map, will we?
: [They've accidentally driven to Ohio
] If we hit Kentucky, I am filing for a divorce. Tim
: Alright, I'll pull it over.
: I know the church. She's almost been married there three times. Just follow the tear drops right up to the door. Besides, I think you're forgetting who has the radar-like sense of direction around here.
[Heads to the garage
: Tim, car's out front. Tim
: Um... Well the radar doesn't really kick in until you get in the car.
: I am so glad that I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you. Tim
: Who tried to talk you out of marrying me? Jill
: Oh no one, you know, my mom, my dad, my sisters, my cousins, the minister, the post man, some guy down at the mail box, you know, oh and Sheila, who said to me, "Don't marry him, I know a loser when I see one". Tim
: Good thing she was wrong. Jill
: Who said she was wrong?
: [watching the movie "Patton", with babies Claire and Gracie on the Colonel's lap
] Speaking of powerful, I think one of those babies just dropped a bomb. Nancy
: There they are. The Colonel
: They were crying, so I decided to calm them down by letting them watch Patton's invasion of North Africa. Nancy
: At home we just put them to sleep with old 'Tool Time' tapes. Jill
: [looks to the babies
] Oh, somebody's stinking up the joint over here. Brad
: Oh, so great to have babies in the house again. Tim
: There's nothing like a little projectile vomit to brighten up the holidays.
: Tim, can you come down here? I have to talk to you. Tim
: Again? Jill
: Yeah. Tim
: [Climbs all the way down a ladder
] OK, what did you do now? Wilson
: Heidey-ho, neighbors. Jill
: Never mind, I'll talk to Wilson instead. Tim
: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna install an escalator.
: [Talking about his Christmas lights decoration he does every year
] All I miss is a real baby for the manger.
[Looks at his brother's twins that Jill & Nancy are holding
: He wouldn't, really? Jill
: He would but we're not gonna let him. Tim
: It's not like you don't have one to spare.
: Tim, wait a second, I need to talk to you. Tim
: [pushing a fake camel for his Christmas light display
] Not right now, I gotta go light up a camel.
: What are we gonna do about Brad and Randy? They keep tormenting Mark. Tim Taylor
: That's why we had Mark - so they'd leave *us* alone.
: These are kids without central nervous systems, all right? We have to learn how to out-torment *them*. Jill Taylor
: [unimpressed by the idea
] Oh, I see; stoop to their level. Tim Taylor
: Exactly! You wanna teach Brad and Randy a lesson? Tonight, when I'm cookin' that chili, I'll cut up this cauliflower, and we'll tell them we've got rabbit brains in there.
: Why are you walkin' backwards? You could hurt yourself doin' that. Mark Taylor
: Better than getting all my blood sucked out. Tim Taylor
: ...He's got a good point there. Jill Taylor
: Have you been talking to your brothers? What have they been telling you now? Mark Taylor
: They think you're all from outer space. Jill Taylor
: Honey, you know that's not true. Tim Taylor
: Jill, sometimes you wake up early in the morning...
[Tim finds an old eight-track tape in the basement
] Tim Taylor
[begins to sing, off key
] Tim Taylor
: In A Gadda Da Vida, baby...
[Jill takes the tape away
] Jill Taylor
: Who sang "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"? Tim Taylor
: I just was. In A Gadda Da Vida... Jill Taylor
: Who sang "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" so people would want to hear it?
: Okay, brainiac, who sang, "Play That Funky Music"? Jill
: Wild Cherry, also 1976. Released on the epic label. Tim
: Come on. Jill
: "Come On", Tony Row, 1964. Tim
: Stop! Jill
: "... In The Name of Love". The Supremes, 1965.
: Do you really think I can do this thing? Tim Taylor
: Yes, of course; you can do anything you want, Jill. Nobody thought you could land me as a husband, and...
[he grins widely
] Jill Taylor
: Well, that's certainly inspirational.
: I just feel self-conscious getting up in front of a group of people. Tim Taylor
: You don't like the way you look? Jill Taylor
: What's wrong with the way I look? Tim Taylor
: Nothing - it was just a question. Jill Taylor
: Why was that the *first* question you asked? Tim Taylor
: All right, here's another first question: Are you so attractive and thin you're afraid to go up in front of people? Jill Taylor
: So what are you saying? I'm fat and ugly?
[at a loss, Tim tries to ignore her
: Don't think of the audience as a group. When I first did "Tool Time", I was petrified, so I tried to visualize it as just one person. Jill Taylor
: The first time you did "Tool Time", there *was* just one person.
: I'm going to be standing in front of 250 people. That's 500 eyes watching me, 500 ears listening to me. Tim Taylor
: Ugh, that's a thousand organs. No wonder you're nervous.
: Guy A challenges Guy B. Guy B accepts the challenge, Guy A is automatically challenged by Guy B not to back down from the challenge that A gave to Guy B. Jill
: Okay, let me explain to you the workings of the female mind: Guy A and Guy B are both idiots and Randy is not racing.
: You just don't understand the intrecacies of the male mind. Jill
: Explain it to me, I've got a minute.
: I'm the shortest kid in my class and don't tell me my height doesn't matter. Jill
: It doesn't matter. It's what's inside of you that counts, don't sell yourself short. Sorry.
: This isn't going to be one of your 'When I was a little girl' stories, is it? Jill
: No, now just sit down... When I was a little person about your age...
: [discussing Jill's upcoming job interview
] Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night. Tim Taylor
: No; I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was "NO!" Jill Taylor
] You're thinking of tonight.
: [wanting to go to a tool sale at Sears
] I'll be back in twenty minutes. Jill Taylor
: Twenty minutes! Who are you kidding? You'll be down there drooling, fondling all the tools, your eyes bugging out. You don't even look at me like that. Tim Taylor
: I would if you were two speeds and reversible.
: This is *my* house, that is *my* dishwasher, and I will rewire it if I want to. Jill Taylor
: No! You will not rewire it and screw it up like you did the blender. End of discussion.
[Jill walks out
] Tim Taylor
: What is your problem with the blender? It's the only blender on the block that can puree a brick!
: This is great! Now I've gotta take advice from a guy who prances around a TV studio, grunting like a baboon... Tim Taylor
: What does that have to do with it? Jill Taylor
: ...while Miss Binford Tool Girl flashes her big headlights. Tim Taylor
: Lisa? Jill Taylor
] No - Al!
: They broke the mirror, they put in the wrong tiling, we've got a cement... Jill Taylor
: [suddenly seeing her new whirlpool bath
] Oh, wow, wow, what's this? Tim Taylor
: This is what will make it all worthwhile: Your new whirlpool. Jill Taylor
: Oh, Tim, it's so beautiful. Look at the color; it's perfect. Tim Taylor
: Not to mention seven adjustable jets, three speeds - low, medium and "who needs a man?"
: What's to think about? We've always wanted this done; they'd pay for it - let me do this for you. Jill Taylor
: Will Al be here? Tim Taylor
: I don't see what that has to do with anything. Jill Taylor
: Will Al be here? Tim Taylor
: I want you to listen to me - Al is my assistant; he assists *me*. Jill Taylor
: Yeah, I know; will he be here? Tim Taylor
: It wasn't you that I was mad at; it was just the remodel. Tim Taylor
: No, no... I can't give birth. It's a problem in my gut, with a visceral thing... It's really, really hard to explain. Jill Taylor
: ...Don't try.
: I thought you said it was a technical problem. Tim Taylor
: Technically, I was the problem.
: I'm addicted to cars. Jill
: Well, *duh*. Tim
: I'm thinking of checking into the Henry Ford Clinic.
: [Upon seeing Jill's new car
] It's British. Jill
: It's a 1967 Austin Healy. Tim
: I know what the heck it is. I don't know anything about British cars. Jill
: That was a big selling point. Tim
: These things require constant attention, honey. Jill
: I know. I was thinking I could learn about the car and maybe do some of the work myself.
[Tim bursts out laughing
: [Upset over Jill's new car
] It's a shocker. I don't know what to say. Jill
: How about saying that you're really happy that I got the car I wanted? Tim
: Alright, I... I'm... IT'S BRITISH. These people made a fighter plane out of wood. They put kidneys in pies for God's sakes.
: Can I have the keys, please? Jill
: What for? Tim
: I want to take it for a little drive and see what kind of trouble you got yourself in. Jill
: You put down my car, you put me down for buying my car, and you expect me to hand over the keys so you can take it for a drive and tell me what else is wrong with it? Tim
: It's a thought.
: Okay, Mark, you're going to be seeing raw power in motion. Arr arr arr. Raw power in the form of precision fluid movements with a bowling pin-type radar able to destroy every thing in its path. Oh. Oh. Oh. Jill
: Gutter ball.
] You're dead, pin. You're dead. You and your nine scrawny friends too.
[Throws the ball
: Yay, Daddy, you did it. You knocked down that one pin. Jill
: And you left his nine scrawny friends.
: We're keeping score. Tim
: I thought you didn't want to keep score. Jill
: Oh, is the great big, bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him? Tim
: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big, bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?
: I got a great joke for you. What did the moron have for breakfast? Jill
: Today you had cereal and an English muffin.
[Tim and Jill are watching Mark at his karate class
: Look at that; his fists are clenched so tight, his little knuckles are turning white. Don't you think he should, I don't know, loosen that up a bit? Tim
: Oh, yeah, a loose fist will do him any good. That's why, at boxing matches, the ref always says, 'Alright, guys, I want you to come out slapping.'
[changes his voice, swats air
: 'Take that, you big, mean man! Take that!'
: Get out of my face. Jill
: Why don't you tell that to your breakfast donut?
: Why are you so fascinated with fighting? I don't want anybody to beat anybody up. What is wrong with you people? You make me sick. I just want you to love each other, you big bunch of jerks. Tim
: [to Brad and Randy
] Er, you satisfied? You know she was talking to you two.
: You guys are lying. Jill
: Mark, let me handle this. You guys are lying.
: [Tim is fantasizing that he and his family are wooden dolls
] Let's not get hung up on how we look. There are more important things to think about during the holidays. Brad
: Like your lighting contest? Tim
: Nope. Nope. Nope. I'm through putting Christmas lights on this house. I'm giving all the holiday lights to the homeless. Jill
: And where exactly are the homeless going to hang them? Tim
: Good point... We'll give them the house too!
[Tim is dreaming that he and his family are wooden dolls
: Boys, go get your rooms and put them in the box. Mark
: But where are we going to live? Tim
: You, you, you. You people have got to stop thinking about yourselves. Jill
: Tim, you've changed. You're caring. Giving. You're... loving. And you've got a termite coming out of your ear. Tim
: Have a little compassion. Even the lowliest creature needs a friend.
: I'm so glad our family values are rubbing off on you. Randy
: What do you mean? Jill
: Well your father and I have always taught you that holidays are about sharing and putting other people first. Tim
] Honey, look what we got. The last turkey they had. The biggest one. It's all mine, mine, mine!
[Tim has a piece of table glued to his head
] Jill Taylor
: Don't you think you should go to the emergency room? Tim Taylor
: I was just there. They said I wasn't a priority. Jill Taylor
: Why, because there was a guy with a whole table stuck to his head?
[Tim has a piece of table stuck to his head
] Jill Taylor
: Randy, set the table. Randy Taylor
: Okay. Dad, bend over.
: I can't dance with my mother. Jill
: Hey, I used to change your diaper and powder your butt. Now get over here.
[Discussing Wes Davidson, the new president of Binford Tools
: I don't have a problem with Davidson. Jill
: You think he's a weasel. Tim
: I don't have a problem with that.
: [discussing the what-ifs of Tim losing his job for refusing to promote a bad tool
] 30 weeks isn't that long! Jill
: Well, I'd have two options, see, you'd stay home and do the laundry, and then I'd get the pool boy!
[Tim starts to fake cry
] Oh, now honey, I would never trade you for anyone.
: Unless I could get a pool boy who did the laundry.
: We got everything except the garlic gloves. Jill
: Garlic *gloves*? It's garlic cloves, honey. Randy
: Oh, so we had Mark sniffing gloves for nothing.
] All right, you didn't like the book. I'm gonna get the boys. We'll be back at 1300 hours. Tim
: What time is that? The Colonel
: It's 1:00. Why is that so difficult for you to understand? Every private in the army gets it by the end of the first day. Jill
: Daddy, I'm sorry I upset you, but... The Colonel
: I'm not upset. IF I WERE UPSET, I'D BE YELLING.
: When we were growing up, we weren't allowed to tell you anything that might upset you. The Colonel
: Oh really? Then why the hell was I upset so much?
: We're not your soldiers, Dad. The Colonel
: Damn right. My soldiers were under control. Then I'd come home to your mother and you five girls and I NEVER KNEW WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON.
: I'm off to the job interview; wish me luck. Tim Taylor
: You don't need luck; you're a Taylor. Jill Taylor
: That's right; you need directions.
: I don't even remember what she looked like. Jill Taylor
: Yeah, right. Tim Taylor
: Well, that's my story and I'm sticking with it!
: You're not going to push him onto a red anthill, are you? Tim
: Honey, I think I've outgrown that. Jill
: How about the atomic wedgies? Tim
: Way too old for that. Jill
: What about the fake vomit in the shoes? Tim
: Never too old for that.
: [Tim is dressed as Nana-stein, a creepy old woman
] This is pathetic. You're in a dress, your son is a doll, and your wife is a radish. Jill
: Hey, I'm a carrot. Learn your vegetables. Tim
: Hey, lighten up; don't ruin this for everybody else, okay? Danny
: If you built this, it's all gonna fall apart anyway. I've seen your show. It ought to be called Fool Time. Tim
: [after pause
] You know, making fun of Nana-stein's favorite show is not a good idea, son. Why don't you check out Nana's tool box. Danny
: Oh ho, a tool box. I'm scared. What's gonna happen? Is a wrench gonna pop out and say, "Boo!" Tim
: I don't know... Danny
: [the tool box falls apart to reveal an upside-down bucket
] Ooo ho ho, a bucket. I'm really scared.
[lifts the bucket to find Al's bloody fanged head
: Grrr! Arrr!
[Danny screams in fright and runs
: Mrs. Taylor, why did Brad leave? Jill
: [Dressed as a giant carrot
] I guess he was feeling embarrassed about his costume. Curtis
: Oh. So when are you gonna leave?
: What are you supposed to be? Curtis
: I'm an atom. Jill
: Then why don't you split?
: [about Brad
] He's having dinner at 9:00. Just a couple years ago he's going to bed at 9:00. Tim
: A couple years from now, *we'll* be going to bed at 9:00.
: I want to make this dinner real special. What is Samantha's favorite dish? Brad
: Chicken Cordon Bleu with endive watercrest salad. Jill
: We'll go with your favorite dish. Brad
: Sloppy Joes and tater tots?
: That isn't the correct interpretation of Miss Gaskell's words. Jill
: I don't think she'll complain. She's been dead 100 years. Tim
: Hey, show a little respect. That's Eddie Haskell's mom, right?
] Randy! Randy
: Yeah? Brad
: It's all over school about what Jason said about your girl hands; but don't worry, I stood up for you! Jill
: Good for you, Brad! Brad
: Yeah, I got you something to make you feel better. Randy
: What is it? Brad
: Passion-pink fingernail polish!
[Brad runs off laughing hysterically
: [chasing Brad
] You meany!
: It's a warning light; didn't it occur to you there might be a little problem? Jill
: I thought if there was a problem with the car that the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer. Tim
: A buzzer? It's a car, not a game show.
: What, do you have rocks in your head? Don't you think? Tim
: Let's talk about who doesn't think for a minute - who drove around for two days with the oil light on? Jill
: Wait - I thought you said you weren't going to bring up the oil light. Tim
: With all those rocks in my head, sometimes I don't know *what* I'm sayin'!
: If I ever said it was hard living with you, just say one word, "Al". Jill
: It's that bad, huh? Tim
: His mother recorded his whole life on video tape. Last night it was three hours of Muskie Fishing With Uncle Phil. Did you know that in the seventh grade he built a replica of the Washington Monument out of popcicle sticks? Jill
: Lot's of kids do stuff like that. Tim
: It was life sized.
: [about a hotel room
] The bed was like sleeping on a bag of rocks. Jill
: And the room was so small. Tim
: Small? It was so small the mice were hunchback. It was so small that when I put my key through the door it went out the window. It was so small all you could order was condenced milk. I had a folding toothbrush. It was so small there was no room for complaint.
: Thanks for making me look bad. Tim
: What? Jill
: "Your mother and I need to talk?" That means, "My pal, the greatest dad on earth, wants me to go the truck rally, but Ilse, the wicked she-mother, doesn't." You do this to me all the time. Tim
: Oh, come on, Ilse.
: Had fun? Jill
: [deaf from monster truck race
] Huh? Tim
: Just would like to see if you had fun. Jill
] Huh? Tim
: You're trying to say that those trucks are pretty loud, huh? Jill
: Not now, I'm all dirty!
[as Jill enters the room, talking about her day
: Your mom called a little while ago. Jill
: Oh no, let me guess. She's mad cuz I wouldn't let her come this weekend. Tim
: Honey... Jill
: What? Is something wrong? Tim
: It's about your dad. Jill
: My dad what? Tim
: He had a heart attack this morning.
: He... he... he didn't make it.
: We feel we know all our guests, in spirit. Jill
: Your guests? What is this, the Bates motel?
: I'm Jill Taylor, I'm a counseling intern. Lou Hanson
: Nice to meet you. Jill
: Well, before we begin, I'd like to talk a little bit about my methodology. I am an avid proponent of emotionally focused couples therapy, which is founded on the belief that couples hide their primary emotions and instead exhibit secondary reactive emotions which result in negative interactions which is pursue/distance or blame/withdraw, serving as a defense against a more vulnerable, primary emotions. Any questions? Lou Hanson
: Are you the only therapist or can we get someone else?
: I was a social activist in high school. I was very involved in the feminist movement. I went to rallies where hundreds of women burned their bras. Tim
: I cheered those women on.
: You've got so much to lose. What about your soccer scholarship? Jill Taylor
: And the trust of a family who loves you. Brad Taylor
: Yeah, I don't want to lose my soccer scholarship...Or the other thing.
: You remember when the worst problem we had with Brad was toilet training? Tim Taylor
: Hmm, makes sense. Couldn't get him on the pot and now we're trying to get him off the pot.
: [after Jill is injured in a water skiing accident
] I have a bandage on my nose, a sprained wrist, a sore ankle, and my butt is COMPLETLY black and blue. Tim
: Well at least you have some color. Jill
: Do you think this is funny? Tim
: Not if you don't.
: You'd hate yourself forever if you didn't go. Jill
: Actually, I'd hate you. Tim
: I thought of that too.
: How do you think that Al is feeling right now? How do you think Ilene is feeling? How do you think I'm feeling? You told them about my Tarzan dream. Tim
: Well how do you think *I'M* feeling? Jill
: What do you have to feel bad about? Tim
: I don't know. Give me a minute.
: [Tim, dressed as Tarzan, is swinging outside in the snow
] Tim, it's 15 degrees out there. Jill
: You Jane, me Fro-zan.
: This family has the Christmas spirit, and when I'm finished sewing your costumes, you're gonna be the best-dressed Hebrews in Bethlehem.
: So Santa's alive? Jill Taylor
: ...Yeah; you sat on his lap at the mall. Mark Taylor
: But there are a lot of malls; how can he be at every one? Tim Taylor
: He's real fast for a fat guy. Jill Taylor
: Actually, honey, I think that those guys at the mall are Santa's helpers - you know, the way that Al is Daddy's helper. Tim Taylor
: Right. Mark Taylor
: [suddenly understanding
] So *they* do all the work. Tim Taylor
] They *assist* Santa, like Al *assists* me.
: I didn't bug you during childbirth. Jill
: No, but you bugged me during conception.
: But Mom, they were gonna play with me. Jill
: Mark, when Brad and Randy say they want to play with you, always ask yourself, "What do they want to DO to me?"
: [on the phone
] Hi Mrs. Wullitt. He did what? Oh I am so sorry! Yeah, send him over to apologize, it will not happen again. Thanks
[Jill hangs up while Randy has crept out of the room, Jill opens the door in fury
] Jill Taylor
: RANDALL WILLIAM TAYLOR! Get in here right now I need to talk to you! Tim Taylor
: Ooh, middle name. He's in trouble!
: Randy yanked the shoes off of a kid at school, and filled them with Cheez Whiz. Randy
: But mom, you don't understand. He's a total geek. Jill
: Don't call him that. Randy
: What am I supposed to call him then? Tim
: How about the Whiz Kid?
: Why aren't we having eggs? Tim
: Benny ate them. Mark
: Or bacon? Jill
: Benny. Randy
: Or toast? Tim
: Benny. Jill
: Who ties up the phone, puts dark laundry in with our whites, sleeps all day, sits on the couch watches T.V. all night? Tim
: Benny. Brad
: Who do we want out of the house? Brad
: Some tool-men say "Why? ", this tool-man says "Why not? ". Jill
: This tool-man's wife says "Why me? ".
: [the family's out camping and Tim just got back from the car
] Oh thank God, I was getting worried. I heard this awful howling. Tim Taylor
: Oh, that was me. Couldn't find any leaves, had to use a pine cone.
: The last time I trusted you, we had Mark.
: [after Jill discovers her car after Tim drops a beam on it
] Okay, so let me get this straight: First, you give me a hard time because I get one little, tiny scratch on the door. Then you have someone drop a building on it. Not only do you not tell me about any of this, but you also tell other people it was my fault. Tim
: It could have been your fault. Jill
: What? Tim
: Maybe that scratch weakened the entire structure of this car, mmmm? Jill
] That is such a craige. Tim
: Look, the important thing is this could've happened to anyone. Jill
: Yeah, anybody who parked under a crane. And what kind of a crane operator drops a beam on a car? We should just sue this jerk for all he's worth. Tim
: Oh, we wouldn't want to do that. Jill
: Why? Tim
: You married him. Jill
: Oh, no. You did this? Do you mean we have to pay for this? Tim
: Don't worry, I'm sure we got some beam stuff in our insurance. Jill
: Tim, why couldn't you just leave my car alone?
: [not knowing Tim smashed her car on Tool Time
] I was too busy to see your Tool Time show; sorry. How was it? Tim
: Ohh, it was great, awesome. Randy
: A live chicken? Brad, who the hell do you hang out with? Brad Taylor
: Mom... Jill Taylor
: What? Brad Taylor
: Dad's cussing. Tim Taylor
: I wasn't cussing. Mark Taylor
: He said a bad word. Tim Taylor
: It wasn't bad. Randy Taylor
: Yeah, he said "hell" and "damn". Tim Taylor
: I did *not* say "damn". Randy Taylor
: *Now* you did.
: I found this broccoli in Randy's dirty clothes. Tim Taylor
: Hmm. Either he's hiding it or not digesting properly.
: I just interviewed this woman who bought herself a whole new body because her husband left her for a younger woman. They were married 12 years, had four kids.
[shows Tim before-and-after photos
] Tim Taylor
: Well, she made a big mistake. Jill Taylor
: I'm glad you feel that way. Tim Taylor
: Had she had this surgery some time ago, she could've saved the marriage.
[Tim just had yet another technical difficulty
] Tim Taylor
: Just a crossed wire. Jill Taylor
: That's what it's gonna say on your tombstone.
: Now, you've lost some weight. Jill Taylor
: Yeah, I have; thank you. Tim Taylor
: Now *there" is a very human compliment. Stu Cutler
: So what's the goal? Another ten? Tim Taylor
: [dropping his head
] Ohhh... Stu Cutler
: Tim, if you hadn't married Jill, I would've. Tim Taylor
: Now *there's* somethin' to think about, honey.
: Tim, if you hadn't have married Jill. I would have. Tim
: Now, there's something to think about, honey. Jill
: Well... life would sure be different. Stu Cutler
: It sure would. Timmy, you'd be visiting us tonight, and Jill would be a satisfied woman. Tim
: Almost done with that beer, Stu?
: Al is living every guy's fantasy... Every SINGLE guy's fantasy. Married guys don't have fantasies, they're taken away from them. Er, it's a good thing, because then you get to, you know, give all your attention to your wife. You know, year after year. Month in, month out. Day after day after day until you're dead. Jill
] You've just swept me off my feet again.
: That's not what you think, is it, Tim? Tim
: It's not? Jill
: No. Al
: What DO you think? Tim
: I don't know, ask her.
: Harry is acting like this is the greatest thing that ever happened to him, but you know what? I'm not buying it. They argue a lot, yes, he loves her and deep down somewhere this guy is hurting. Jill
: Oh my God. Tim
: What happened? Jill
: Did you just hear yourself? You've had an insight. And it was incredibly sensitive. Instead of taking Harry's behavior at face value, you looked deeper and saw his inner pain. Tim
: I didn't mean to. I swear to God I didn't mean to.
: You know what this means, don't you? You're evolving. Tim
: I am not and you take that back.
: [half asleep
] Does anybody know what time it is? Jill
: 5:00. Oh, my back. Wilson
: [about Al's snoring
] I haven't heard sounds like that since I was in Nairobi, studying the breeding patterns of wart hogs. Tim
: Hoooh! Woo-ee! Did I sleep well or what? I got some hot, cheese blintzes in the oven, guys! Heidi
: SHUT UP!
[they toss pillows at him
: No, I'm not happy. My oldest son is heartbroken, and my youngest son is dressing like Johnny Cash!
: [after seeing the boys put up a clown in place of the third wiseman
] So the three wise men come bearing gifts of gold, francensense, and a selzer bottle.
: What causes sibling rivalry? Tim
: Having more than one kid!
: The pizza is round, the garbage can is round, why can't the box be round?
: [the granite guy came on to Jill
] You should've fired him! Jill Taylor
: I did fire him! Tim Taylor
: You fired the granite guy?
: I'm sure Heidi appreciates you watching the baby. Tim
: I hope she appreciates me cleaning up that kid's mud slide. Jill
: You changed her diaper? Tim
: Yeah, good think I had those welding gloves in the car.
: What do you want to talk about? Tim
: I wanna talk about what Sherlock Wendell Holmes said. The reason I want daughters is because they're like rotten peaches. I should just play with my pears. Jill
: I think it would be better for all concerned if you didn't father any more children.
: [the girls got Spice Girls dolls
] I got Posh Spice! Claire Taylor
] I got Sporty Spice. I want Posh Spice. Jill
: But you love Sporty Spice. You were Sporty Spice for Halloween. Claire Taylor
: I want Posh Spice! Gracie Taylor
: But they gave ME Posh Spice. Tim
: Upstairs I got some Old Spice.
: I go to the opera with you. Jill
: Oh, once. I've sat through three Rambo movies. When was the last time you took me to a foreign film? Tim
: Didn't we just see "Le Robocop"?
: Brad, you're way too young to be thinking about kissing. There's other things you need to think about first, like, um, shaving. Brad Taylor
: I shaved. Randy Taylor
: Not a cat, stupid!
: [after seeing on movie Brad scratch his body with a fork
] Brad that's disgusting. Brad
: Wait till you see what I did with the spoon.
: [Jill knocks on the garage door
] What's the secret grunt? Jill Taylor
: Ugh. Ugh... Ugh. Tim
: Access denied. Too much estrogen content.
: Why not take her some Tool Time tapes? Jill
: Please, the woman's suffered enough.
: We never said we weren't going to have another baby. Tim
: I've said it, I've talked about it. I know I've talked about it. I mentioned it on Tool Time. Jill
: Oh great, so eleven people know about it? Tim
: Do you remember babies at all? Dirty diapers, colic, 2:00 am feedings, 3:00 am feedings. I don't have the energy for that any more. Jill
: You don't have the energy to say, "Wake up, Jill, the baby wants you"?
[Jill has completely dried, cleaned, and waxed Tim's hot rod, which was in sad shape after Jill left it outside during a blizzard; the car now looks perfect
: This is the best thing you could give me. Jill
: I gave you three boys. Tim
: But none of them came out this clean.
: Don't you think before you make these stupid jokes? Tim
: I couldn't help it. She set me up. She said 'horse'. Jill
: Oh and the only thing you could come up with was, "At least she's not cooking bicycle shorts"?
: Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish? Tim Taylor
: It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that. Jill Taylor
: Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.
: [about a mouse
] Jill, it's just an innocent thing. Jill
: Tim, they are dirty, they carry disease, they eat garbage. Tim
: So do the boys, and you're not afraid of *them*.
[Jill is auctioning off the services of Tim and Bob Vila to raise money for the library. Vila went for $700
: I bid $300 for the Tool Man. Al
: You can't bid! You're the auctioneer! Jill
: It's my auction and I'll bid if I want to.
: So how was your date with Lauren? Randy
: Oh, great! We went on another lovely afternoon date. First we went to the afternoon movie where the theater was full of old people who sat there explaining the movie to each other, and then we went to a restaurant full of old people who kept saying, "Does this fish have bones? I hate bones!"
: What if Papa Mia doesn't care? Tim
: Maybe we can talk to his wife. Jill Taylor
: Mama Mia?
: [Brad's car has been stolen and stripped
] I can't believe this. There's nothing they can do? Tim
: I'm with Brad. Somebody has got to be held accountable for this. Jill
: You heard the officer. There's nothing they can do. Tim
: Maybe there's nothing THEY can do. But there's something *I* can do. I'm the guy who delivered a baby after being crowned Car Guy of the Year in the same night. I'm the guy that built a lawn mower than can do 12 seconds in a 1/4 mile. I'm the guy that put a barbecue grill in geosynchronous orbit, so don't you tell me there's nothing we can do. I'm the Tool Man, I can fix ANYTHING. Jill
: Alright, zip up your fly and let's go.
: [Driving an 18-wheeler
] I love this truck. This is great. 5-speed tranny, 5 tons of big, Detroit diesel, this could be the greatest day of my life. Arr arr arr. Jill
: Tim, you are driving way too fast. Tim
: [to himself
] If I were alone, this could be the greatest day of my life.
: In a shop, tape hangs on a hook because it has a hole in it. Jill Taylor
: So does your head, but it's not hanging on a hook.
: I don't wanna be a nagging wife. Tim Taylor
: Then, how would I recognize you?
: My heart attack didn't kill me, so why act like it did? See, Tim, it was the Roman philosopher Seneca who said "if we let things terrify us, then life is not worth living". Tim
: Don't make a mountain out of a... pimple? Wilson
: Or any type of epidermology. Happy birthday, Tim. Tim
: Thanks, Wilson. Tim
] Jill, did you know Wilson had a heart attack 15 years ago? Jill
: He did? Oh, no, you're not gonna freak out about that, are you? Tim
: He's ok with it, and so am I. Apparently, he listened to an old rotary named Sonoco, who said "life isn't really worth living, if you have to pay for electricity while you're in Rome".
: Sounds like Mom's kicking your butt. Jill
: Yeah, with Al and a team of girls. Mark
: You're losing to girls? Tim
: I wouldn't consider Miss America a girl. She's almost professional. I heard in her talent competition she put up drywall.
: There's a special bond between mother's and son's it's called the umbilical cord. Tim Taylor
: Hello. He's nine. He's cordless now.
: We're parents. When our kids play doctor, we nail them for malpractice.
: Scott wouldn't cheat on Heidi; he's a Chevy guy. Jill
: Well, his Chevy is parked in someone else's garage.
: [defending Mark's horror movie to Randy
] For all we know, this will be a piece of cinema history. Randy Taylor
: It's a piece of something.
: Wilson, do you think humans are more important than machines? Wilson
: Without a doubt. Although, I *am* awfully fond of my waffle maker. Jill
: Well could you *please* tell that to the knucklehead I'm married to? Wilson
: Oh, he knows. He's had my waffles.
: Hey, Tim, dinner's ready. Tim
: I'm not really that hungry. Jill
: I didn't cook it. Tim
: I am famished.
: For once I'm cooking food and you're burning food. Wilson
: Most people eating my food are already dead.
[Jill is listening to opera music
] Tim Taylor
: Jill, I can't work with this noise! Jill Taylor
: How can you call that noise? Tim Taylor
: That's not noise, that's a proctology exam!
: [on Tool Time being broadcast in Sweden
] We got our first check. It's for 1,500 Kroners. Brad
: Wow. How much is that in American money? Jill