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: [Brad wants to go skiing on Christmas eve
] But Mom, it's perfect. I mean, I don't have school and I can take your presents with me and open them there. Tim
: [to angel statue
] Do you feel the love in this room? Do you?
: What are you doing with the skis? Brad
: Oh, um, I was gonna donate them to the needy. Tim
: Yeah, that's just what they need down at the mission. Food and skis. Brad
: Look, Dad, I explained it all in a note. Tim
: It better be a good one. "Went skiing. Brad".
: All I wanted to do was be with my friends. A lot of people I like are going to be down there. Tim
: Christmas is not about being with people you like. It's about being with your family.
: Dad, it's just one Christmas. I mean, it's not that big a deal. Tim
: Well it is to your mom and me and to me.
: Why do I have to go? Tim
: Because God said come and worship, not go and slolam.
: Wanna go play some Zombie Sneak Attack? Randy
: Can't do it. Dad made a few adjustments. The zombies won't be coming back from the dead any more.
: Knee ya sex time... I mean see ya next time.
: Nervous about being on Tool Time Brad? Brad
: A-a little Heidi
: Here'a a trick I used when I was new: just picture everyone in their underwear. Brad
: [stares at Heidi
] I don't think that's going to help.
: Mark, you're too old to believe in Santa Claus; kids are gonna start to make fun of you. Mark Taylor
: What are you talking about? Randy Taylor
: I hate to break it to you, but there is no Santa Claus. Mark Taylor
: You guys are poop-heads! Randy Taylor
: OK, fine; here's the truth: There used to be a Santa Claus, but he died six years ago. Brad Taylor
: Yep... you just missed out. Mark Taylor
: Santa Claus isn't dead. Randy Taylor
: Yes, he is. He had a terrible accident with one of his reindeer - Blitzen fell on him.
: Anything for us, Santa? Santa Claus
: Well, even though you boys no longer believe in me, Santa brought you a gift anyway. Brad, I got you a rubber band. And Randy - here's a button.
[Brad and Randy are in the school's Christmas play
] Brad Taylor
: I don't have any lines. Randy Taylor
: That's because you blew it, you stooge. He was trying out for one of the wise men, and he said they were carrying gold and Frankenstein.
: He wouldn't! Mark
: He couldn't! Randy
: He's Dad!
: He wouldn't! Mark
: He couldn't! Randy
: He's DAD!
: Dad, grandma's on the phone. She wants to talk to you.
[Hands Tim the phone
: Thanks. Hi, Lillian. No Jill's not here she's uh, out, you know, buying stuff to nurse her cold. What? Oh, my God that's, that's horrible, Lillian. How did it happen? Oh, how are you doing? Oh boy, this is horrible news. What can I do? Wh-ju-ju. Oh yeah, go ahead and call all them, and Jill will call you as soon as she gets back. O.K. Bye.
[Wilson, Heidi and Al come to the fence
: Tim, what happened? Tim
: Jill's dad died.
: Some people think that viewing the body gives them a chance to say goodbye to the deceased one last time. Brad
: What if I don't wanna look? Tim
: Nobody is gonna make you look. Nobody is gonna make ME look.
: You've got so much to lose. What about your soccer scholarship? Jill Taylor
: And the trust of a family who loves you. Brad Taylor
: Yeah, I don't want to lose my soccer scholarship...Or the other thing.
: [on the phone
] Hey, it's Brad. Listen, I can't take you to that party. Yeah, I kinda got busted by my parents. Yeah, won't be smoking pot for a while. Tim
: [Standing behind him
] For a while? Brad
: Uh... Gotta go.
: [while fly fishing
] Hey Wilson, can you show us how to do that forward cast? Wilson
: Certianly Brad, you start at one o'clock and you end up at ten o'clock. Mark
: [as Tim does it wrong
] Dad he said ten o'clock. Tim
: I didn't know he ment ten o'clock eastern time.
: Alright, guys. I'm sure there's something we all learned from this. Brad
: Yeah, the nose can be broken more than once in a day.
: I'm sorry I didn't come as Raggedy Ann. Brad Taylor
: [dressed as Raggedy Andy
] Not as sorry as I am!
: You embarrassed me. You should've seen Elaine. She was gloating. Brad
: Why didn't you say something on the playground? Jennifer Sadarski
: Bradley, how could you not notice? You can be so dense. Brad
: Hey I may be dense, but my team won.
: I want to make this dinner real special. What is Samantha's favorite dish? Brad
: Chicken Cordon Bleu with endive watercrest salad. Jill
: We'll go with your favorite dish. Brad
: Sloppy Joes and tater tots?
: Here comes the groom. Brad
: Shut up. Randy
: You know, Brad, we were thinking about places to have your bachelor party. How do you feel about Chuck E. Cheese's? Mark
: Yeah , the groom gets free tokens.
: Listen, what do you think Nana called Mom when she was little? Mark
: Jill? Tim
: No, a name that might annoy her. Brad
: Tim. Tim
: Back off. Okay, when she was real little, Nana used to call her... Jill
: [Over intercom
] Don't even think about it, Tim.
: I decided that if a girl is going to like me, she's going to like me for who I am. Jill
: She dumped you, huh? Brad
: [helping Brad with his math homework
] ... now the denominator is the...? Brad
: ...bottom number... Tim
: ...why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it? Tim
: [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger
] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction.
: You lied to me, you said I could go to the truck rally. Tim
: Does sneaking out and breaking windows ring a bell to you? Brad
: Ah, why don't you just go...
: What did you just say to me? Brad
: Nothing. Tim
: You just got two more days, pal. Brad
: Fine, pal.
: [Tim is fantasizing that he and his family are wooden dolls
] Let's not get hung up on how we look. There are more important things to think about during the holidays. Brad
: Like your lighting contest? Tim
: Nope. Nope. Nope. I'm through putting Christmas lights on this house. I'm giving all the holiday lights to the homeless. Jill
: And where exactly are the homeless going to hang them? Tim
: Good point... We'll give them the house too!
: I can't dance with my mother. Jill
: Hey, I used to change your diaper and powder your butt. Now get over here.
: We got everything except the garlic gloves. Jill
: Garlic *gloves*? It's garlic cloves, honey. Randy
: Oh, so we had Mark sniffing gloves for nothing.
: What are you doing in here? You're supposed to be downstairs helping me get finished dusting. Randy Taylor
: I'm just up here tellin' Mom a joke. I'm being a *good* son.
: [Brad has spelled "Melonology" on a Scrabble board
] Melonology? Brad
: The study of melons. Mark
: There is no such thing as melonology. Brad
: Yeah, there is. Call the produce department at the grocery store, and find out! Randy
: Who should I ask for, the melonologist?
: This isn't going to be one of your 'When I was a little girl' stories, is it? Jill
: No, now just sit down... When I was a little person about your age...
: Do you think maybe if no one tells Mom that I could drive the hot rod? Tim
: Well, I was kind of waiting to surprise you... NO.
: What do we want? Brad
: Scholarship. Tim
: How are we going to get it? Brad
: Hard work. Tim
: I can't hear you. Brad
: Hard work. Tim
: I can't hear you! Brad
: Hard work! Tim
: I can't hear you. Brad
: HARD WORK! Tim
: I heard you!
: Brad, you're way too young to be thinking about kissing. There's other things you need to think about first, like, um, shaving. Brad Taylor
: I shaved. Randy Taylor
: Not a cat, stupid!
: Why aren't we having eggs? Tim
: Benny ate them. Mark
: Or bacon? Jill
: Benny. Randy
: Or toast? Tim
: Benny. Jill
: Who ties up the phone, puts dark laundry in with our whites, sleeps all day, sits on the couch watches T.V. all night? Tim
: Benny. Brad
: Who do we want out of the house? Brad
: [after seeing on movie Brad scratch his body with a fork
] Brad that's disgusting. Brad
: Wait till you see what I did with the spoon.
: [sees his hot rod covered in snow
] My hot rod! Brad
: You always said you wanted a snow-mobile.
[reading Brad's Valentine's Day poem
] Tim Taylor
: "I think you're swell, I think you're sweet..." You know what could follow this? Brad Taylor
: What? Tim Taylor
: "How would you like to smell my feet?"
: [after he dropped a beam on Jill's car
] Hey, guys, is Mom home? Brad
: Yeah, she's upstairs studying. Tim
: Did she see Tool Time? Randy
: No, I don't think so. Tim
: Great. Brad
] But *we* did. Randy
: Hey, don't worry, Dad; Mom has always wanted a compact car. Tim
: You didn't tell her, did you? Brad
: Nope; we thought it would be more fun to watch *you* tell her.
: A live chicken? Brad, who the hell do you hang out with? Brad Taylor
: Mom... Jill Taylor
: What? Brad Taylor
: Dad's cussing. Tim Taylor
: I wasn't cussing. Mark Taylor
: He said a bad word. Tim Taylor
: It wasn't bad. Randy Taylor
: Yeah, he said "hell" and "damn". Tim Taylor
: I did *not* say "damn". Randy Taylor
: *Now* you did.
: [Brad's car has been stolen and stripped
] I can't believe this. There's nothing they can do? Tim
: I'm with Brad. Somebody has got to be held accountable for this. Jill
: You heard the officer. There's nothing they can do. Tim
: Maybe there's nothing THEY can do. But there's something *I* can do. I'm the guy who delivered a baby after being crowned Car Guy of the Year in the same night. I'm the guy that built a lawn mower than can do 12 seconds in a 1/4 mile. I'm the guy that put a barbecue grill in geosynchronous orbit, so don't you tell me there's nothing we can do. I'm the Tool Man, I can fix ANYTHING. Jill
: Alright, zip up your fly and let's go.
[the boys are trying to stop Tim's snoring
: What if we hold his nose shut? Randy
: Then he'll breath through his mouth. Brad
: What if we hold his nose and mouth shut? Randy
: I think that's called murder.
: Brad, don't forget my car's in the shop. So I'm gonna take your car and drop you guys off at school. Bradley Michael Taylor
: Wait, what makes you think you can just take my car just like that? Tim Taylor
: Because I paid for half of it "just like that."
[observing an eyelash curler
] Brad Taylor
: What's this for? Tim Taylor
: She pinches something with it, what is... Oh! This is for taking her eye out and cleaning behind it.
: Have you thought about what you'll study in college? Brad
: Yeah, I think about it all the time. Wilson
: Besides girls. Brad
: Then no.
: For 60 minutes, they picked my brain clean. Brad
: So what did you do for the other 59 minutes?
: [watching the movie "Patton", with babies Claire and Gracie on the Colonel's lap
] Speaking of powerful, I think one of those babies just dropped a bomb. Nancy
: There they are. The Colonel
: They were crying, so I decided to calm them down by letting them watch Patton's invasion of North Africa. Nancy
: At home we just put them to sleep with old 'Tool Time' tapes. Jill
: [looks to the babies
] Oh, somebody's stinking up the joint over here. Brad
: Brad, so how about those Lions? Brad
: Oh yeah, I love you too, Dad.
: [On the phone
] I just gave her a taste of my Jello, it's not like we both chewed on the same piece of gum.
] Randy! Randy
: Yeah? Brad
: It's all over school about what Jason said about your girl hands; but don't worry, I stood up for you! Jill
: Good for you, Brad! Brad
: Yeah, I got you something to make you feel better. Randy
: What is it? Brad
: Passion-pink fingernail polish!
[Brad runs off laughing hysterically
: [chasing Brad
] You meany!
: To me, it's the effort you put into things, not just the grade, that counts. Brad Taylor
: So it's OK if I flunk? Tim Taylor
: No! I don't want you livin' here when you're 25. "Dad - you wanna shave together or somethin'?"
[Tim has framed Brad's first paycheck
] Brad Taylor
: How am I supposed to cash it?
[with realization, Tim picks at a laminated corner
: You make an interesting point.
: Mom said you're supposed to be nice to me. Randy Taylor
: You see Mom anywhere in this backyard? Now get lost. Mark Taylor
: You've *got* to play with me; we're brothers. Randy Taylor
: ...We're not your brothers. Mark Taylor
: Yes, you are. Randy Taylor
: I'm gonna let you in on a secret. We're aliens from outer space. Mark Taylor
: You're a big fat liar, Randy! Randy Taylor
: My name isn't Randy; it's Zelnot! Brad Taylor
: I'm Zorton. Mark Taylor
: No, you're not; you're Brad and Randy. Randy Taylor
: No... Brad and Randy are gone. We sucked the blood out of their brains and took over their bodies. We have *many* powers. We can read minds. Mark Taylor
: No, you can't. Randy Taylor
: I'll prove it. Zorton? Brad Taylor
: Talk to me, Zelnot. Randy Taylor
: I'm thinking of a number between one and ten; what is it? Brad Taylor
: Four! Randy Taylor
: That's right.
: Hey Dad, I heard a woman hit you with her purse. Randy
: What happened? She wouldn't let you borrow her make-up? Tim
: Son, you wanna say that one more time to me? Randy
: [on Tool Time being broadcast in Sweden
] We got our first check. It's for 1,500 Kroners. Brad
: Wow. How much is that in American money? Jill