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: My dad's been in the hospital so much they gave him a preferred customer card. Tim
: Yeah, one more head injury and we win a trip to Hawaii.
: I want to talk to you. Randy
: Why didn't you just call me on the intercom? Or is it still picking up ambulance calls? Tim
: You really bust my chops sometimes. Randy
: Well you make it so easy, Dad.
: Oh yeah, Dad, by the way I'm still getting the all-Spanish station through my intercom. Tim
: Real funny. Don't quit your day job. Jill
: That was real adult. Tim
: Well he started it.
: For the next couple years you're not going to be yourself. Randy
: Who am I going to be? Tim
: A little wise guy that smarts off to people that a lot of people think is a real jerk. Randy
: Chip off the old block, eh?
: Did you rebel against your father? Tim
: He died before I could be a real jerk. Randy
: He'd be proud if he could see you now.
: I don't want you making jokes about my job, or about me getting hurt and screwing things up. Anything that makes me look bad. Randy
: What is left to joke about? Tim
: Guys, wanna hear something real funny about your mother? Randy
: She's not really married to you? Tim
: How long do you want to stay up in your room? Randy
: Don't blame me. It was adolescence.
: You're a tyrannical fascist. Tim
: Did he just call me a dinosaur?
: You know my son, Randy? Bud Harper
: Of course I do. How could I forget the little guy? You still on the soccer team? Randy
: No, that's my older brother, Brad. Bud Harper
: Oh, oh, you're the Karate Kid! Randy
: No, that's Mark. Bud Harper
: Oh. Well, what do you do?
: When you get older, you'll understand not everything is so cut and dried! Randy
: I understand that now, Dad. You're taking the company line. You're a sellout. But then to be a sellout, you'd have to have principles to begin with. Tim
: Hey, I not only have principles, but I'm your ride home! Randy
: I'll take public transportation! Tim
: Hey, don't use your fancy words with me. It's called a bus!
: That's Mr. Lion Cub. Tim
: Sorry, I've never been a lion cub before. Randy
: I have. You know, I gotta tell you it's a tough gig. Everyone expects you to be king.
: [playing tea party; in high voice
] Now, what would Her Royal Fridigness like to have? Randy
: How about a lobotomy? Tim
: Well look who's here. It's the village idiot.
: Hey Cousin Randy, why don't you play with Cousin Gracie so Uncle Tim can go play with Mr. Hot Rod? Randy
: Well, Cousin Randy would love to, but unfortunately I've got to spend a couple hours with Uncle Chemistry and Aunt Algerbra.
: [about going to church
] A lot of the time I question why I'm there. Tim
: Well you question all you want to so long as your butt is in that pew.
: You know, there's a place where people get together and pray for God's protection. Randy
: Dad, I'm not going to church. Tim
: I was talking about Tool Time.
: Ever been to Vegas? Randy
: Yeah, went last year. Got a fake ID, hooked up with a show girl and won 12 grand. Elaine Jenkins
: Any of that true? Randy
: Not a word.
: [after he dropped a beam on Jill's car
] Hey, guys, is Mom home? Brad
: Yeah, she's upstairs studying. Tim
: Did she see Tool Time? Randy
: No, I don't think so. Tim
: Great. Brad
] But *we* did. Randy
: Hey, don't worry, Dad; Mom has always wanted a compact car. Tim
: You didn't tell her, did you? Brad
: Nope; we thought it would be more fun to watch *you* tell her.
: [not knowing Tim smashed her car on Tool Time
] I was too busy to see your Tool Time show; sorry. How was it? Tim
: Ohh, it was great, awesome. Randy
: [regarding Vinnie McGurn
] As of 3:00 pm today he's closed for business.
: He wouldn't! Mark
: He couldn't! Randy
: He's Dad!
: He wouldn't! Mark
: He couldn't! Randy
: He's DAD!
: Wanna go play some Zombie Sneak Attack? Randy
: Can't do it. Dad made a few adjustments. The zombies won't be coming back from the dead any more.
: It's not junk, it's Heavy Metal. Tim
: It sounds like they banging their heads on their guitars while they're getting their teeth drilled. Randy
: Hey, cool - you saw the video.
: I have a woman - Mommy. Randy Taylor
: Your mommy can't be your woman, doofus. Tim Taylor
: A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure *that* one out.
: What are you doing in here? You're supposed to be downstairs helping me get finished dusting. Randy Taylor
: I'm just up here tellin' Mom a joke. I'm being a *good* son.
: Mark, you're too old to believe in Santa Claus; kids are gonna start to make fun of you. Mark Taylor
: What are you talking about? Randy Taylor
: I hate to break it to you, but there is no Santa Claus. Mark Taylor
: You guys are poop-heads! Randy Taylor
: OK, fine; here's the truth: There used to be a Santa Claus, but he died six years ago. Brad Taylor
: Yep... you just missed out. Mark Taylor
: Santa Claus isn't dead. Randy Taylor
: Yes, he is. He had a terrible accident with one of his reindeer - Blitzen fell on him.
[Brad and Randy are in the school's Christmas play
] Brad Taylor
: I don't have any lines. Randy Taylor
: That's because you blew it, you stooge. He was trying out for one of the wise men, and he said they were carrying gold and Frankenstein.
: Hey Beth, what do you call bad lemonade? Beth
: What? Randy
: Lemon lemonade.
[Beth, Brad and Jennifer force laughter
: Man, that's the last time I use one of Dad's jokes.
: Um, Beth, another cooger snookie? Er, booger cookie?
: [about the haunted house
] Hey, can we go check it out? Tim
: I don't know; it's pretty scary and dangerous down there. Are either one of you pregnant or wearing a pacemaker? Randy
[Mark is dressed as Tim for Halloween
: You should have gone as Al; we could've gotten more stuff.
: [there is a snake in the light fixture
] Come on, Dad, just stick your finger in the light. When the snake bites it, pull him out. Tim
: Ha ha ha. Can I talk to you a minute? Maybe you didn't hear ol' Dad the first time: Shut up.
[Tim's reading the instructions to the pilot light
: "Hold 15 seconds, and..." Randy
: Open your mouth, or the shock-waves from the blast will make your head explode.
[holds mouth wide open
: Let me get this straight. Mark gets fewer rules because he's a dork, and I get more rules because Brad's a dork.
: So how was your date with Lauren? Randy
: Oh, great! We went on another lovely afternoon date. First we went to the afternoon movie where the theater was full of old people who sat there explaining the movie to each other, and then we went to a restaurant full of old people who kept saying, "Does this fish have bones? I hate bones!"
: Hello Jill. Randy
: Goodbye Mom.
: Hello Jill. Mark
: Goodbye Mom.
: What's the matter with Brad? Randy
: Well he's dumb and he's got a dorky haircut.
: [to Sir Larry
] Hey, you're great! I saw you at Chris Johnson's birthday party! Sir Larry Houdini
: Ahhh, lovely little girl. Randy Taylor
: Chris is a boy. Sir Larry Houdini
: Strange little boy.
: [Tim is wearing a kilt
] Hi, Mom, where's Dad?
: I'm so glad our family values are rubbing off on you. Randy
: What do you mean? Jill
: Well your father and I have always taught you that holidays are about sharing and putting other people first. Tim
] Honey, look what we got. The last turkey they had. The biggest one. It's all mine, mine, mine!
[Tim has a piece of table stuck to his head
] Jill Taylor
: Randy, set the table. Randy Taylor
: Okay. Dad, bend over.
: Randy? Randy
: Dad, I don't know why I'm making all these stupid jokes. Tim
: It's okay, it's okay. Sometimes making jokes is a way to deal with the loss of somebody, that's how you grieve. I did the same thing at my dad's funeral. Randy
: Oh yeah, now that you talk about it, I remember Aunt Rita's funeral, you had some jokes then. You killed. Tim
: But the truth is, in situations like these, you gotta be careful who you make the jokes around. Randy
: Dad, I know. I would never say these kinds of things around Grandma. Tim
: And make no jokes around your mom or Mark or anybody sensitive. Just do them around me.
: We got everything except the garlic gloves. Jill
: Garlic *gloves*? It's garlic cloves, honey. Randy
: Oh, so we had Mark sniffing gloves for nothing.
: [Brad has spelled "Melonology" on a Scrabble board
] Melonology? Brad
: The study of melons. Mark
: There is no such thing as melonology. Brad
: Yeah, there is. Call the produce department at the grocery store, and find out! Randy
: Who should I ask for, the melonologist?
: Ah Randy, everyone does that. Randy
: Really? Wilson
: No, I'm just trying to make you feel better.
: Randy yanked the shoes off of a kid at school, and filled them with Cheez Whiz. Randy
: But mom, you don't understand. He's a total geek. Jill
: Don't call him that. Randy
: What am I supposed to call him then? Tim
: How about the Whiz Kid?
: I'm the shortest kid in my class and don't tell me my height doesn't matter. Jill
: It doesn't matter. It's what's inside of you that counts, don't sell yourself short. Sorry.
: Brad, you're way too young to be thinking about kissing. There's other things you need to think about first, like, um, shaving. Brad Taylor
: I shaved. Randy Taylor
: Not a cat, stupid!
: Why aren't we having eggs? Tim
: Benny ate them. Mark
: Or bacon? Jill
: Benny. Randy
: Or toast? Tim
: Benny. Jill
: Who ties up the phone, puts dark laundry in with our whites, sleeps all day, sits on the couch watches T.V. all night? Tim
: Benny. Brad
: Who do we want out of the house? Brad
[the members of the Christmas service choir have letters pinned onto their robes to spell "NOEL", but are standing out of order
: Who's "LEON"? Randy Taylor
: Maybe Leon was born in the manger next door.
: She loved it. Best night of her life. Randy
: Yeah right. I guess that's why you didn't come home with your wife.
[Tim grabs Randy's head
: Over the edge? Tim
: Way over the edge.
: [upset at the thought of having cancer
] Why does bad stuff always happen to me? Tim
: Hey, don't worry. Bad stuff happens to me all the time. Randy
: Yeah, but you cause it!
: [Trick or Treaters at the door consist of a Buzz Lightyear and Simba the lion
] Alright, one candy bar for the space man and uh, seven for the cute little lion.
: A live chicken? Brad, who the hell do you hang out with? Brad Taylor
: Mom... Jill Taylor
: What? Brad Taylor
: Dad's cussing. Tim Taylor
: I wasn't cussing. Mark Taylor
: He said a bad word. Tim Taylor
: It wasn't bad. Randy Taylor
: Yeah, he said "hell" and "damn". Tim Taylor
: I did *not* say "damn". Randy Taylor
: *Now* you did.
: Hey Dad, why didn't you marry Al? Tim
: Um, I thought about it. I just couldn't stand the thought of him baring my children. Little babies with beards and flannel diapers...
: [Presents classic car
] Kids, say hello to your new kid sister. Randy
: It looks old enough to be our grandmother.
[the boys are trying to stop Tim's snoring
: What if we hold his nose shut? Randy
: Then he'll breath through his mouth. Brad
: What if we hold his nose and mouth shut? Randy
: I think that's called murder.
: [referring to himself and Brad
] Billy's mom thinks we're perfect little gentlemen. Tim Taylor
: Billy's mom thought she saw Elvis yesterday at the gas station.
: I'm gonna let you guys in on a little secret, all right? Women, as we know them, are born without a face. Randy Taylor
: Bull! Tim Taylor
: Listen to me - women are like a Mr. Potato Head. You've heard your mom say every now and then, "Excuse me, fellas, I've gotta go upstairs and put my face on." She scurries up here, and draws one on with this stuff.
: Here comes the groom. Brad
: Shut up. Randy
: You know, Brad, we were thinking about places to have your bachelor party. How do you feel about Chuck E. Cheese's? Mark
: Yeah , the groom gets free tokens.
: Sounds like Mom's kicking your butt. Jill
: Yeah, with Al and a team of girls. Mark
: You're losing to girls? Tim
: I wouldn't consider Miss America a girl. She's almost professional. I heard in her talent competition she put up drywall.
: [watching the movie "Patton", with babies Claire and Gracie on the Colonel's lap
] Speaking of powerful, I think one of those babies just dropped a bomb. Nancy
: There they are. The Colonel
: They were crying, so I decided to calm them down by letting them watch Patton's invasion of North Africa. Nancy
: At home we just put them to sleep with old 'Tool Time' tapes. Jill
: [looks to the babies
] Oh, somebody's stinking up the joint over here. Brad
: What kind of sick person hot wires his wife's car? Tim
: I think you boys are old enough to know the truth: your father is a sick, sick man.
: [of the hot tub he'll give to Jill
] I think I'll put it over where this swing is. You guys don't use this anymore, do you? Randy Taylor
: Yeah, we do. Last week we tied Mark to it.
: [defending Mark's horror movie to Randy
] For all we know, this will be a piece of cinema history. Randy Taylor
: It's a piece of something.
] Randy! Randy
: Yeah? Brad
: It's all over school about what Jason said about your girl hands; but don't worry, I stood up for you! Jill
: Good for you, Brad! Brad
: Yeah, I got you something to make you feel better. Randy
: What is it? Brad
: Passion-pink fingernail polish!
[Brad runs off laughing hysterically
: [chasing Brad
] You meany!
: [working on his hot rod
] Hey, Randy - you finish your homework? Randy Taylor
: Yeah. Tim Taylor
: Wanna help? Randy Taylor
] No. Tim Taylor
: Where did I go wrong with him? Jill Taylor
: Don't worry about it; he's not yours.
: What did the moron have for breakfast? Tim
: I don't know. Randy
: This morning you had scrambled eggs and toast.
: Hey, Randy, want to have a taste of what we're having for dinner? Randy
: I'm not really hungry. Tim
: Marie made it. Randy
: I'm starving.
: Mom said you're supposed to be nice to me. Randy Taylor
: You see Mom anywhere in this backyard? Now get lost. Mark Taylor
: You've *got* to play with me; we're brothers. Randy Taylor
: ...We're not your brothers. Mark Taylor
: Yes, you are. Randy Taylor
: I'm gonna let you in on a secret. We're aliens from outer space. Mark Taylor
: You're a big fat liar, Randy! Randy Taylor
: My name isn't Randy; it's Zelnot! Brad Taylor
: I'm Zorton. Mark Taylor
: No, you're not; you're Brad and Randy. Randy Taylor
: No... Brad and Randy are gone. We sucked the blood out of their brains and took over their bodies. We have *many* powers. We can read minds. Mark Taylor
: No, you can't. Randy Taylor
: I'll prove it. Zorton? Brad Taylor
: Talk to me, Zelnot. Randy Taylor
: I'm thinking of a number between one and ten; what is it? Brad Taylor
: Four! Randy Taylor
: That's right.
: Hey Dad, I heard a woman hit you with her purse. Randy
: What happened? She wouldn't let you borrow her make-up? Tim
: Son, you wanna say that one more time to me? Randy
: Your father told me that my over-zealous pedagogy would only extinguish your Elizabethan exuberance. Randy
: My dad said that? Wilson
: Actually he said I was being a jackass. Randy
: That's Dad.