Tom Jeter
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Quotes for
Tom Jeter (Character)
from "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" (2006)

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"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: The Christmas Show (#1.11)" (2006)
Tom Jeter: Aren't you, like, a hundred years old?
Simon Stiles: Aren't you only marginally talented?

Tom Jeter: Simon, tell Lucy about the time you were arrested on about 43 larceny counts in high school?
Simon Stiles: Ok cool, why don't you tell her about the time everybody thought you were GAY in high school?

Tom Jeter: You see, I'm an astronomy buff...
Simon Stiles: ...Loser. The word is Loser.

Simon Stiles: What do you need?
Matt Albie: Any Christmas ideas you might have.
Tom Jeter: There is no such thing as the Star of Bethlehem.
Simon Stiles: Jesus was from north Africa.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: The Harriet Dinner: Part II (#1.14)" (2007)
Tom Jeter: We have to stop giving her the Prairie Oyster, turns out we could kill this lunatic girl dead.
Jack Rudolph: [pause] Tom, Meet Kim's parents.
Tom Jeter: [turns around, sees Zhang and his wife]
[long pause]
Tom Jeter: Lunatic girl is an idiom in our language, meaning -
Jack Rudolph: Get out.

Tom Jeter: I didn't think you'd be there. That's the truth. You look beautiful tonight. That's also the truth. Now will you go out with me this Saturday night?
Lucy Kenwright: No.
Tom Jeter: [smiles sadly] All right. Then that's that.
Lucy Kenwright: [as Tom goes to walk away] I'll go out with you Sunday night.
Tom Jeter: That was nice, you did a little switch.

Lucy Kenwright: Tom?
Tom Jeter: Yes ma'am?
Lucy Kenwright: A prairie oyster's for a hangover, you drink one when you're drunk, you're just gonna get drunker.
Tom Jeter: I have to go right now, but I'm looking forward to Saturday night.
Lucy Kenwright: Sunday night.
Tom Jeter: Sunday night.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: 4 A.M. Miracle (#1.16)" (2007)
[Tom and Cal have accidentally chopped the head off a RealCare baby with a guillotine]
Danny Tripp: How's it goin'?
Tom Jeter: Good.
Danny Tripp: OH MY GOD!
Tom Jeter: 'cept that we beheaded the baby.
Danny Tripp: The hell did you do?
Cal Shanley: Problem?
Danny Tripp: Yes, it's a problem. This is a special doll with... with computer sensors.
Cal Shanley: I've heard about those things. RealCare babies, they're supposed to be indestructible.
Danny Tripp: Yeah, they are, unless you drop an 80 pound hydraulic axe on their head.

Tom Jeter: [on learning that Simon slept with the sexual harassment plaintiff] Simon! You've got to go talk to the lawyer.
Simon Stiles: I'll lose my job! I'll lose my house! I'll lose my Lincoln Navigator!
Tom Jeter: Look...
Simon Stiles: My Navigator Tom!

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: B-12 (#1.10)" (2006)
Harriet Hayes: Knock-knock.
Tom Jeter: Oh God.
Harriet Hayes: Knock-knock rook.
Dylan Killington: Who's there?
Harriet Hayes: Orange.
Samantha Li: Banana!
Harriet Hayes: Orange.
Samantha Li: Banana! It's banana! Banana, banana, banana! Then you say orange, "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?" Four-year-olds are telling this joke!
Harriet Hayes: Okay, well calm down. I happen to be a member of the... what?
Simon Stiles: Fallstaff.
Harriet Hayes: Fallstaff Society.

Simon Stiles: [an air horn blows] What the hell what that?
Tom Jeter: An air horn.
Simon Stiles: Why is an air horn lying around here?
Tom Jeter: Maybe it's just for such an occasion.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: Pilot (#1.1)" (2006)
Tom Jeter: [playing George W. Bush in a sketch] "Legacy" is a 480 SAT word which, as it turns out, does not mean a woman with nice legs.

Wes Mendell: [going onstage in the middle of a sketch] Listen, fellas, we're going to stop that.
Tom Jeter: Did we lose the feed?
Wes Mendell: No, we're live. I want both of you to clear the stage - I don't want anyone to think that you were a part of this.
[Audience laughs]
Wes Mendell: Clear the stage. Go on.
Cal Shanley: [Audience still laughing]
Wes Mendell: Uh, it's not going to be a very good show tonight. I think you should change the channel.
Cal Shanley: [in the control booth]
Lilly: What the hell?
Wes Mendell: Change the channel. Right now.
Control Room Assistant: When did they put this in?
Lilly: Does anyone know what the hell is going on?
Wes Mendell: Better yet, turn off the TV, okay?
Cal Shanley: [Audience laughs]
Wes Mendell: No, no, I know like it seems like this is supposed to be funny, but tomorrow, tomorrow you're going to find out that it wasn't, and by that time I'll have been fired.
[Audience laughs]
Wes Mendell: No, this - this is not supposed - this is not a sketch!
Cal Shanley: [over the radio] Uh, this is real.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: The Option Period (#1.9)" (2006)
Tom Jeter: None of this...
Harriet Hayes: I understand!
Tom Jeter: Just to be clear...
Harriet Hayes: You're clear!
Tom Jeter: None of this should do anything to take away from the fact that we are in favor of women in their underwear.
Harriet Hayes: I know!
Simon Stiles: True story!
Tom Jeter: We are pro female nudity, that can't be said enough times.
Harriet Hayes: You're testing that theory, but again... I understand.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: The Cold Open (#1.2)" (2006)
Tom Jeter: [on bloggers] I'm a fan of credentials. It's like we've all spent the last five years living in a Roger Corman film called "Revenge Of The Hack."

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: Monday (#1.12)" (2007)
Matt Albie: Suzanne! Where's the bid?
Tom Jeter: You bidding on something?
Matt Albie: Just for spite.