Simon Stiles
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Quotes for
Simon Stiles (Character)
from "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" (2006)

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"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: The Christmas Show (#1.11)" (2006)
Tom Jeter: Aren't you, like, a hundred years old?
Simon Stiles: Aren't you only marginally talented?

Tom Jeter: Simon, tell Lucy about the time you were arrested on about 43 larceny counts in high school?
Simon Stiles: Ok cool, why don't you tell her about the time everybody thought you were GAY in high school?

Tom Jeter: You see, I'm an astronomy buff...
Simon Stiles: ...Loser. The word is Loser.

Simon Stiles: [after Matt kisses Harriet] I'm Simon Stiles.
Harriet Hayes: And I'm Matt. Harriet. I'm Harriet Hayes.

Simon Stiles: What do you need?
Matt Albie: Any Christmas ideas you might have.
Tom Jeter: There is no such thing as the Star of Bethlehem.
Simon Stiles: Jesus was from north Africa.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: The Wrap Party (#1.6)" (2006)
Matt Albie: Maybe he just needs
Simon Stiles: What HE needs is a bottle of Colt 45 and a bucket of fried chicken, Matt.
Matt Albie: It wasn't that bad.
Simon Stiles: DON'T patronize me!

Simon Stiles: I'm livin' in a new house now. You haven't been there. I'm up in the hills, near the Hollywood sign, and from my pool I can see South Central. I saw a murder up close when I was fifteen. Three guys shot a friend of ours 'bout ten times in the chest with 38s. You know it doesn't look like it does in the movies. Ask a homicide cop. It ain't poetry in motion, it's... everything inside comes outta every part of you. Anyway, we spent the next day planning how we were gonna kill these guys who did it. And when it was time, the leader of the guys I ran with, a guy named Donnell, turned to me and said, "You're not going." I said, "Like hell I'm not goin'." He said, "You're not going. You go, and I'll kill you first." Those guys are all doing consecutive life sentences, no chance of parole. They weren't charged as juveniles. Donnell is in a Federal Maximum Security Facility in Minnesota. Every month, I send him the only things I'm allowed to send him, cigarettes and stamps. I can see it from my pool, Matt. And if I don't reach in there and grab as many of them as I can carry, every day, then I deserve get sent right back to it.

Simon Stiles: There is nothing like the wit and originality of the differences between white people and black, and, apparently, the biggest difference is that we don't pay our bills, respect the law, women, or each other.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: B-12 (#1.10)" (2006)
Harriet Hayes: Knock-knock.
Tom Jeter: Oh God.
Harriet Hayes: Knock-knock rook.
Dylan Killington: Who's there?
Harriet Hayes: Orange.
Samantha Li: Banana!
Harriet Hayes: Orange.
Samantha Li: Banana! It's banana! Banana, banana, banana! Then you say orange, "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?" Four-year-olds are telling this joke!
Harriet Hayes: Okay, well calm down. I happen to be a member of the... what?
Simon Stiles: Fallstaff.
Harriet Hayes: Fallstaff Society.

Simon Stiles: [an air horn blows] What the hell what that?
Tom Jeter: An air horn.
Simon Stiles: Why is an air horn lying around here?
Tom Jeter: Maybe it's just for such an occasion.

Harriet Hayes: I'm better than all of you, and the proof is, I got into the American Falstaff Society.
Simon Stiles: I'm already in.
Harriet Hayes: Alright. Then I'm better than three of you.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: The West Coast Delay (#1.4)" (2006)
Matt Albie: It's not hard to be big. Let's see him make the Dean's List eight semesters in a row as a contemporary dramatic lit major.
Simon Stiles: [about Darren Wells] Fairy.

[last lines]
Danny Tripp: We own the copyright?
[Matt and Danny smile, and turn to Simon and Harriet at the desk]
Simon Stiles: No!
Danny Tripp: Yep, just one more time! Get me Cally, get Jordan a drink, and send Jack Rudolph a nice thing of balloons
Simon Stiles: Matt, anything in particular you want me to say to anyone who might still be watching?
[Matt scribbles on Simon's cue sheet]
Simon Stiles: [reading Matt's writing, and sighing] This is not the comedy we intended to do when the week began.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: Breaking News (#1.18)" (2007)
Simon Stiles: Ah, I'm always grateful for another week of working with you all. I'm grateful for another opportunity to try and do my best. Harry, I hope you're a huge success in the movie, but I am grateful your head is back here full-time. And while I still think you and Matt are each as dumb as a sack of doorknobs, we're all pretty happy that you're at least speaking to each other.
Matt Albie: She knows which side her bread is buttered on.
Harriet Hayes: [With an accent] I'll butter your head jackass.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: 4 A.M. Miracle (#1.16)" (2007)
Tom Jeter: [on learning that Simon slept with the sexual harassment plaintiff] Simon! You've got to go talk to the lawyer.
Simon Stiles: I'll lose my job! I'll lose my house! I'll lose my Lincoln Navigator!
Tom Jeter: Look...
Simon Stiles: My Navigator Tom!

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: The Option Period (#1.9)" (2006)
Tom Jeter: None of this...
Harriet Hayes: I understand!
Tom Jeter: Just to be clear...
Harriet Hayes: You're clear!
Tom Jeter: None of this should do anything to take away from the fact that we are in favor of women in their underwear.
Harriet Hayes: I know!
Simon Stiles: True story!
Tom Jeter: We are pro female nudity, that can't be said enough times.
Harriet Hayes: You're testing that theory, but again... I understand.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: The Focus Group (#1.3)" (2006)
[On the set of News 60]
Simon Stiles: Roseanne Barr is releasing an album for children. We don't have a joke here, we just mention this as a public service warning to parents.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: What Kind of Day Has It Been (#1.22)" (2007)
Jack Rudolph: Have you ever been married?
Simon Stiles: What?
Jack Rudolph: When you're married, you say "I'm sorry" a lot. You say "I'm sorry" when you don't mean it, you say "I'm sorry" when you just want to move the hell on, you say "I'm sorry" when you don't know what you could have possibly done wrong.
Simon Stiles: Aren't you getting divorced?
Jack Rudolph: Yeah, that's right.
Simon Stiles: Why?
Jack Rudolph: Cause I was tired of saying, "I'm sorry."
Simon Stiles: I appreciate your honesty.
Jack Rudolph: Well, that's more than I can say for my wife.