Matt Albie
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Quotes for
Matt Albie (Character)
from "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" (2006)

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"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: Pilot (#1.1)" (2006)
[last lines]
Danny Tripp: What are you smiling about?
Matt Albie: Nice studio. It's a great studio with an incredible history. The people who've had this stage...
Danny Tripp: You like it?
Matt Albie: Yeah.
Danny Tripp: Good, 'cause we live here now.

Matt Albie: The winds started blowing hard in another direction and all of a sudden my jokes weren't so funny anymore. You put a flag over the network bug, god forbid you should just loose the bug altogether, and you pointed us towards the door.

Matt Albie: Are you people using the confidential information that Danny failed a drug test to force him into taking over Studio 60 to deflect attention from what happened on the air tonight?
Jack Rudolph: [long pause] ... He failed a drug test?
Jordan McDeere: Yeah, actually Matt, I was the only one who knew about that. Shoulda trusted me a little, Danny.
Matt Albie: [to Danny] Sorry about that, that one was all me.
Danny Tripp: Yeah.
Matt Albie: [to everyone] Ironically, I'm the one who's high as a paper kite right now, but legitimately. I had back surgery Tuesday. L5 S1, if that means anything to you. Stop talking now? Yeah, you bet.

Danny Tripp: They broke up.
Julie: Oh no! Why?
Danny Tripp: Because he couldn't stop himself from speaking.
Matt Albie: I was right, she was wrong, I'm all about the truth, partner.

Matt Albie: I'm the only sane person I know.

Danny Tripp: Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I was...
Matt Albie: Forget that. But it's going to be our show now, and only one of use can screw up at a time. And I think we both know that most of the time it's going to be me. You're the big shoulders.
Danny Tripp: I hear you.
Matt Albie: Good. Because I don't remember what I just said.
Danny Tripp: I do.

Matt Albie: But it's gonna be our show now, and only one of us can screw up at a time and I think that we both know that most of the time, it's gonna be me. You're the big shoulders.
Danny Tripp: I hear you.
Matt Albie: Good, cause I don't remember what I just said.
Danny Tripp: I do.

Danny Tripp: Matt, you can get another director. You can get someone good.
Matt Albie: I don't want someone else. I want you.
Danny Tripp: The joke was "I don't want someone good, I want you."

Harriet Hayes: First of all, could you stop telling people we broke up because of the national anthem? It makes me sound like an idiot.
Matt Albie: Actually, the consensus is it makes me sound like an idiot.
Harriet Hayes: Well, be that as it may and truer words were never spoke, please stop it.

Matt Albie: Okay, look, wait. I'll bond you.
Danny Tripp: What?
Matt Albie: I'll pay for the bond!
Danny Tripp: How much money do you have?
Matt Albie: Well... with my savings, and investments, and my percentage of the first dollar gross in this movie... sixty-five dollars.

Matt Albie: Are they swinging this thing in front of your face?
Danny Tripp: The point is, the new movie...
Matt Albie: Sons of bitches!
[takes off running]
Danny Tripp: - does not have to - Matt? Matt!

Matt Albie: [after falling] Sorry. That was strange. I'm sorry.
Danny Tripp: You all right?
Matt Albie: Yeah. I'm on some medication right now that I guess makes me... not know where chairs are.

Matt Albie: The woman I broke up with is a cast member and it would be awkward if I went to the party and... killed her in front of all those people.

Jack Rudolph: There's gonna be a press conference at noon on Monday announcing that you two are running "Studio 60". I know I can count on you to answer questions in a way that doesn't embarass the National Broadcasting System. Will that be hard for you?
Matt Albie: I wouldn't think it'd be hard for anybody, cause if you pointed a camera at two people masturbating it'd be among the least embarassing things on the National Broadcasting System. I'll tell Blair to start working on the deal.
Jordan McDeere: I've already got a dual masturbation show in active development, so...

Harriet Hayes: I was great, by the way. I got a standing ovation.
Matt Albie: Harry, I'm sure you were great, but it's the national anthem. They were standing already.

Matt Albie: Thanks, man. I miss her. I really do. I'm dying inside, and I appreciate your support.
Danny Tripp: Matt.
Matt Albie: Yeah?
Danny Tripp: Go up on the stage now.
Matt Albie: Why?
Danny Tripp: You just won.
Matt Albie: Really?
Danny Tripp: Yeah.
Matt Albie: Hey, that's great!

Matt Albie: Ironically, I'm the one who's high as a paper kite right now, but legitimately. I had back surgery Tuesday. L5 S1, if that means anything to you. Stop talking now? Yeah, you bet.

Danny Tripp: [speaking about Jordan McDeere] You gotta give her style points.
Matt Albie: Yeah.
Danny Tripp: And you gotta ask yourself...
Matt Albie: What?
Danny Tripp: What if she's for real?
Matt Albie: [smiles] Yeah.

Matt Albie: How did it know?
Danny Tripp: How did it know what?
Matt Albie: Exactly how much time was left in the week?
Danny Tripp: Yeah, it's a miracle of technology that we've invented an electronic device that can count backwards from seven.
Matt Albie: But it was off.
Danny Tripp: It has a battery.
Matt Albie: [in horror] So it always knows?
Danny Tripp: Don't endow the thing with special powers, Matt - it's a clock.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: The Christmas Show (#1.11)" (2006)
Matt Albie: How come I'm Jewish and I'm the only one with the Christmas spirit? Come to think of it how come I'm the only Jew in a comedy writer's room?

Matt Albie: Hang on, I've got a note for you from dress.
[pulls Harriet around the corner and kisses her]
Matt Albie: [pulls notebook from his pocket] Use your downstage hand to reach for the glass in Nancy Grace.

Matt Albie: I'm the miracle on the Sunset Strip. And you're, you know, two other guys.

[trying to figure out how to make snow]
Cal Shanley: Shaved coconuts!
Matt Albie: Perfect! And they're indigenous to LA.
Danny Tripp: No, they're not.
Matt Albie: They grow on palm trees!
Danny Tripp: Not ours.
Matt Albie: What do ours do?
Danny Tripp: Nothing.
Matt Albie: This city needs me.

Simon Stiles: What do you need?
Matt Albie: Any Christmas ideas you might have.
Tom Jeter: There is no such thing as the Star of Bethlehem.
Simon Stiles: Jesus was from north Africa.

Matt Albie: Danny? You're caring more about other people than you usually do.
Danny Tripp: You're the one who just said, 'What's she gonna do about the upfronts?'.
Matt Albie: Mine was an idle question, then I moved on to other things in my head.
Danny Tripp: So was mine.
Matt Albie: No, it wasn't. It was genuine interest.
Danny Tripp: Look, in case you haven't noticed, she's doing a good job.
Matt Albie: And there you just defended her.
Danny Tripp: What's wrong with that?
Matt Albie: For starters, no one's attacking her.
Danny Tripp: Go write!
Matt Albie: Okay.
[Matt leaves, Danny slams his hand on the desk, Matt returns]
Matt Albie: What?
Danny Tripp: Nothing.
Matt Albie: Say it. Just say it out loud!

[looking at a plastic Santa Claus with his right hand raised]
Matt Albie: What's he doing?
Cal Shanley: There are gonna be reindeer up in the balcony; he's waving at them.
Matt Albie: He's giving the Nazi salute!
Cal Shanley: Nah, he's waving at the reindeer.
Matt Albie: Why wouldn't the reindeer be with him?
Cal Shanley: Well, when you start to apply logic to Santa Claus, Matt...
Matt Albie: Alright, let's set logistics aside. He's saying, "Heil, Hitler."
Cal Shanley: I think you're reading too much into it.
Matt Albie: He's giving the Nazi salute.
Cal Shanley: [pause] Well, now that you've said it, that's all I can see.
Matt Albie: It's all anybody can see.
Cal Shanley: He's got the crazy eyes too, doesn't he?
Matt Albie: Yeah.

Matt Albie: You were right, you know?
Danny Tripp: About what?
Matt Albie: We do live here now.
Danny Tripp: Merry Christmas.
Matt Albie: Merry Christmas.

Matt Albie: How is it that I'm the only Jew in a comedy writer's room?

Matt Albie: What the heck happened to my tree?
Suzanne: I was drying my socks.

Matt Albie: [Matt has brought a small, misshapen Christmas tree into the writer's room] That happens to be a noble fir, they grow to 10 feet tall.
Darius Hawthorne: Yeah, I don't think that one's gonna make it.

Matt Albie: Screw Christmas? Not on my watch! Look, I hate Los Angeles like everybody else but I have to work here 'cause in any other part of the country I'm unemployable so we are going to deck the halls with boughs of holly. I wanna hear sketch ideas with Santa and Rudolph and chestnuts and burning logs.
Darius Hawthorne: We could set the...
Matt Albie: Shut up!

Matt Albie: They calculated the number of homes with children and the average weight of two presents per child.
Danny Tripp: What'd they come up with?
Matt Albie: He'd
Matt Albie: need 214,200 reindeer pulling a sled weighing 321,000 tons at 3000 times the speed of sound.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: The Cold Open (#1.2)" (2006)
Matt Albie: Was there something you came to see me about?
Danny Tripp: Yes.
Matt Albie: What?
Danny Tripp: We don't need to do it now, but at some point I'm going to need you to level with me about Harriet. I need to know how big of a problem it's going to be.
Matt Albie: It's not going to be a problem at all.
Danny Tripp: It will if you are still in love with her.
Matt Albie: I'm not. I'm not. Danny, I love her talent. The woman's got millions of fans but there are maybe fifty guys in town who know how good she is and we're two of them. I admire her. I'm knocked out by her talent. And I like it when she makes me laugh, and I like making her laugh, which isn't easy to do, so it's gratifying. She's undeniably sexy. I like it when she smiles at me, and a couple of other things, but that's it.
Danny Tripp: Oh my God, we are so screwed.
Matt Albie: I know.

Danny Tripp: It' gonna be a problem if you're in love with her.
Matt Albie: I'm not.
[sees Danny's disbelieving stare]
Matt Albie: I'm not!

Matt Albie: [at a writers' meeting] What are you all wearing? I'm not Blackwell or anything, but holy cow, what the hell are you guys wearing? One of the things this show does is decide what's cool, and I've just decided it's no longer cool for grown men to dress as if they're in junior high school.
Ron Tahoe: It's a comedy, Matt.
Matt Albie: Not yet it's not, and until it is, we're all gonna act professionally. You understand? We're gonna act, dress, talk, write, and behave professionally!
Harriet Hayes: [storms into the room, shouting at Matt] You are an adolescent, oversexed whoremonger with the sensitivity of a head of cabbage!
Matt Albie: And all that will begin in just a few minutes.

Matt Albie: You know this thing is all over talk radio?
Danny Tripp: What did you expect?
Matt Albie: A caller from Taluca Lake called us Barbara Streisand loving, Michael Moore worshiping jackasses.
Danny Tripp: Well, what have I always told you about listening to show tunes?
Matt Albie: Don't do it.
Danny Tripp: Don't do it.

Jack Rudolph: The Rapture's what I think it is, right? The world comes to an end - believers go up in a spaceship?
Jordan McDeere: It's not a spaceship; it's Jesus Christ.
Matt Albie: What happens to the non-believers?
Jordan McDeere: You get thrown down into a fiery pit.
Matt Albie: Can we just do that now?

[Danny turns on the countdown clock]
Matt Albie: How did it know?
Danny Tripp: How did it know what?
Matt Albie: Exactly how much time was left in the week.
Danny Tripp: Yeah, it's a miracle of technology that we've invented an electronic device that can count backwards from seven.
Matt Albie: But it was off.
Danny Tripp: It has a battery.
Matt Albie: [in horror] So it always knows?
Danny Tripp: Don't endow the thing with special powers Matt - it's a clock.

Matt Albie: You broke up with me, Harry... and if you don't believe me, I have a copy of the e-mail. Yeah, she did it by e-mail, ladies and germs! I've got a copy of the e-mail on my hard-drive and another one in a safe deposit box at City National.
Harriet Hayes: That's funny, 'cause I keep all your things nicely stored on a garbage scow off Catalina.
Matt Albie: Right, so can I go date a woman who doesn't?
Harriet Hayes: Well, that population's gettin' pretty thin...
Matt Albie: Look...
Harriet Hayes: Bad enough I have to read about you with Mena Suvari...
Matt Albie: That was...
Harriet Hayes: ...Fiona Apple, Rachel McAdams, Marlo Thomas...
Matt Albie: You think I've been dating Marlo Thomas?
Harriet Hayes: Who the hell knows what you do, you addle-minded pervert!
Matt Albie: Marlo's married to Phil Donahue, who can still beat the crap out of me any time he wants.
Harriet Hayes: Thank God!
Matt Albie: Seriously, he's a huge Irish man!
Harriet Hayes: I'm too tired for this.
[Harriet begins to walk away, Matt follows her]
Matt Albie: I never dated any of those people.
Harriet Hayes: Page Six said you did.
Matt Albie: Oh well then, you've got me, because if Page Six said it, then it must be true. Did you get hard confirmation from The Drudge Report?

[Matt looks at the episode schedule which only has the White Stripes' performances on it]
Matt Albie: Can the White Stripes play for an hour and a half?
Danny Tripp: Jack White's got acute tonsillitis. They can't play at all. Jane's working on it.
Matt Albie: Okay.
[Matt takes down the cards with the White Stripes' performances, then looks at the completely empty schedule]
Matt Albie: Yeah, that's better.

Matt Albie: Wait a second. The caller from Taluca Lake, was she calling us Hollywood liberals or was she calling us gay?
Danny Tripp: It's a pretty fine distinction.

Matt Albie: Guys, you've got it all wrong. I don't want to get too personal, but the first time Jack and I made love, it was incredible.

Danny Tripp: I've been watching you all this week, and, I gotta tell you, I love what I see. Matt?
Matt Albie: The audience was standing out in the heat for a pretty long time. People don't laugh as much when they're hot cause they're sticky and uncomfortable.
Danny Tripp: Alright! Good pep talk!

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: The Focus Group (#1.3)" (2006)
[the power goes out in the studio during rehearsal of a sketch called "Science, Schmience"]
Matt Albie: Harriet, you say a word, any word at all about God not liking to be mocked...
Harriet Hayes: [quoting Holly Hunter in "Broadcast News"] You know what? I think *you're* the Devil!

Ricky Tahoe: Do you think there's any chance you might come down off your high horse and stop being pissed at us for something that happened four years ago and work with us?
Matt Albie: Not a big chance, no.
Ricky Tahoe: Do you want us to quit?
Matt Albie: Badly. Do you think it's gonna happen?
Ricky Tahoe: Not a big chance, no.

Matt Albie: Tell me the truth. You've talked to them, tell me the truth. How important is audience retention tonight?
Danny Tripp: It's important, Matt! We can't lose more than ten percent, what do you think? The sponsors, the affiliates, the press, the Right, our job, Jordan's job, everybody's job, it's important!
Matt Albie: Alright, lie to me next time.
Danny Tripp: That's what I'm saying...

Danny Tripp: They wanna see you take fewer whacks at Bush, and it looks like they're getting their wish.
Matt Albie: It's four years ago, all over again.
Danny Tripp: What did you think it was gonna be?
Matt Albie: Four years later, and by the way I'd be happy to take shots at the Democrats if one of them would say or do something!

Harriet Hayes: [in a thick Southern twang] Matt, I can do the witch as Holly Hunter if you want.
Matt Albie: I don't.
Harriet Hayes: [still in a southern twang] Would you like it if I spent the rest of the day talking to you as Holly Hunter?
Matt Albie: Not at all.
Harriet Hayes: [still doing Holly Hunter] It's hard for me to jibe with you since you have personified something which I truly think is dangerous.
Matt Albie: Stop now.

Matt Albie: [Tackling Danny, knocking him to the ground] I'm three years younger and I'm faster than you, old man.
Danny Tripp: [Flipping Matt over, pinning him] Three years older and I'm stronger than you, little boy.

[Danny has Matt pinned under him, on the beach]
Matt Albie: Are people looking at us right now?
Danny Tripp: I think they are.
Matt Albie: Well, could you punch me in the face or something, 'cause to a causal observer this appears a little homoerotic for my comfort.

Matt Albie: It's an acquired taste, but once you acquire it, it's like barrel-smoked whiskey.
Danny Tripp: What's that?
Matt Albie: I don't know, I think I might have made it up. What gets smoked in barrels?
Danny Tripp: Scotch.
Matt Albie: Scotch *is* whiskey. It's scotch whiskey.

Jeannie Whatley: [Matt and Danny have been walking along, ignoring Jeannie calling to them] IDIOT boys!
Danny Tripp: [they stop]
[to Matt]
Danny Tripp: Is she talking to us?
Matt Albie: Yep.

Matt Albie: [after Harriet throws up a fit over Matt's alleged affair with one of her co-workers] What is your problem with me? That after you broke up with me, I went out with somebody else? That's what almost always happens!
Harriet Hayes: Not someone from where I work! There are 17 strip clubs within a 3 block radius of this place for you. Not someone from my show!
Matt Albie: It's not *your* show, it's *mine". And there are only 5 strip clubs with a 3 block radius. I spent my 20s in this theater.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: B-12 (#1.10)" (2006)
Matt Albie: All right, here it is. It's easy, but pay attention. "Spit-Take Theatre" same five actors, same set. It's going on the cards right now and we'll mark it during the next c-break. You speak in a Stentorian voice. On the first round of cards the actor third to the left of the person speaking does a spit-take. On the second round, the actor third to the left and to the immediate left does a spit-take, and on the final round anyone who isn't speaking does a spit-take. Good?
Harriet Hayes: Wait, I made it through the week without getting sick and now we're ending the night with everybody spitting at me?
Matt Albie: That's better. Everyone should just spit at Harriet.

Danny Tripp: How's it going?
Matt Albie: Good... good... good... good... good.
Danny Tripp: Yeah?
Matt Albie: Absolutely.
Danny Tripp: Good.
Matt Albie: No.
Danny Tripp: Yeah.
Matt Albie: We may need a little help.
Danny Tripp: Yeah.

Harriet Hayes: Matt!
Matt Albie: Yeah.
Harriet Hayes: I got into the Falstaff Society.
Matt Albie: Hey, great! Are you the first woman?
Harriet Hayes: I'm the eleventh woman.
Matt Albie: Cool.
Harriet Hayes: I am the first woman in the Great Lake region.
Matt Albie: You're quite a pioneer!

Matt Albie: Have you let Martha have it for her column?
Danny Tripp: Huh?
Matt Albie: You said you were gonna let Martha have it, and I wanted to see that.
Danny Tripp: Well, I banished her from the floor.
Matt Albie: She's right there on the floor next to you.
Danny Tripp: Well, she has full access.
Matt Albie: She's waiving at me right now.
Danny Tripp: I know.
Matt Albie: Almost seems like she's mocking you...

Danny Tripp: Took a lot of convincing, but Suzanne's agreed to be your assistant.
Matt Albie: Yeah?
Suzanne: If you'll take me.
Matt Albie: I'll take the hell outta ya.
Suzanne: Is there a way you'd like me to dress?
Matt Albie: Sure, but I have to wake up for school now.
Danny Tripp: Tell Karen to draw you two hundred dollars from petty cash and buy some nice work clothes.
Suzanne: Two hundred dollars?
Danny Tripp: It's on us.
Suzanne: Am I working for Matt in 1963?

Suzanne: You both need to get B-12 shots from the nurse.
Matt Albie: I've had mine and Danny can't have one.
Danny Tripp: Why not?
Matt Albie: Memo said you can't have the shot if you're pregnant.
Danny Tripp: Yeah.
Matt Albie: Seriously, it can be dangerous if you're pregnant.
Danny Tripp: I'm not pregnant.
Matt Albie: Have you checked? You're been pretty hormonal.
Danny Tripp: It's testosterone.
Matt Albie: It's Estrogen. Suzanne, why don't you get Danny one of those little kits - you probably keep a bunch in your car.
Danny Tripp: [to Suzanne] He's trying to get a riff going. Don't feed the fire and it will go out.
Matt Albie: One more thing...
Danny Tripp: What?
Matt Albie: You can't get that shot if you're pregnant.
Danny Tripp: You know Chevy Chase woke up one day, and he just wasn't funny any more.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: What Kind of Day Has It Been (#1.22)" (2007)
Matt Albie: Thank you... GOD
Harriet Hayes: I HEARD THAT!... It's me jello-head.
Matt Albie: They rescued the guys.
Harriet Hayes: I just heard... Jordan's ok!
Matt Albie: I know...
Harriet Hayes: Have you been getting high since our fight at the Catholic's dinner?
Matt Albie: Yeah...
[slaps Matt hard]
Matt Albie: When you're high you keep if from everyone... OWWWW!
Harriet Hayes: Not from me!... I'm the one you never keep things from. Never from me... I'm the one, Matthew.
Matt Albie: Ok Harriet... I love you.

[last lines]
Matt Albie: I'm gonna make a friend outta you yet.

Matt Albie: Mazel tov.
Danny Tripp: Gesundheit.

Danny Tripp: Hey, Matthew, don't take this the wrong way, but... I love you.
Matt Albie: Okay.
Danny Tripp: Did you take it the wrong way?
Matt Albie: I took it to mean that you're gay and you want me.
Danny Tripp: Good.

Matt Albie: Does she have a name?
Danny Trip: Baby Girl McDeere.
Matt Albie: You're hoping she'll become a stripper.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: K&R: Part 2 (#1.20)" (2007)
Doctor: Do you have a friend who can come down and just sit with you and help you relax?
Matt Albie: Danny! Sorry we're late, but Racer X here was driving, and we hit a parking meter.
Harriet Hayes: You kept shouting, "Turn left! Turn left!"
Matt Albie: Yeah, at the street.
Danny Tripp: These are the calming influences.
Doctor: Okay. I'm gonna head back in.

Danny Tripp: Right before she went in, I... I asked, I gave her the ring, she said yes.
Matt Albie: Well, I hadn't finished writing the proposal.
Danny Tripp: I know.
Matt Albie: Which draft did you use?
Danny Tripp: I didn't use any.
Matt Albie: You... ad libbed?
Danny Tripp: I had to.
Matt Albie: I was working on this great marriage proposal for him!
Danny Tripp: What did you want me to do?
Matt Albie: The... the text! You can't just wing it!
Danny Tripp: It worked!
Matt Albie: Well, mine would've worked better!
Danny Tripp: How?

Matt Albie: She delivered the baby.
Andy Mackinaw: She delivered the baby?
Cal Shanley: Yeah.
Andy Mackinaw: Two weeks early?
Matt Albie: Yeah, but the baby's fine. Sixteen pounds, two ounces.
Andy Mackinaw: SIXTEEN POUNDS?
Matt Albie: Is that... not... normal?
Andy Mackinaw: Did she give birth to a tuna fish?
Cal Shanley: Mattie.
Matt Albie: Yeah?
Cal Shanley: SIX pounds.

Matt Albie: Fifteen minutes goes by without me hearing from you, I'm driving over there with a police escort.
Danny Tripp: Where are you getting a police escort from?
Matt Albie: I will commit a crime and lead them in a high speed chase if I have to! I am NOT kidding around!

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: Nevada Day: Part 2 (#1.8)" (2006)
Matt Albie: Let me ask you something: How is my marriage, your marriage, or anyone else's marriage even marginally affected by the gay couple two doors down also getting married? And if it is, how does that become their problem?

Harriet Hayes: You honestly think I'm a homophobe?
Matt Albie: Yes, yes I do. And you know why? 'cause you are.
Harriet Hayes: I said the bible says -
Matt Albie: [sarcastically] Yeah, yeah.
Harriet Hayes: Don't "yeah, yeah" me! And it seems to me that every Democrat on a ballot answers the same question by talking about civil unions and leaving it up to the states and not wanting to - ...
Matt Albie: I don't need any reminding that my party is full to brimming with panderers and mediocrity.
Harriet Hayes: What's wrong with civil unions? And why shouldn't we -
Matt Albie: 'Cause there's no way to get to the end of that sentence without saying that homosexual love is something less than heterosexual love and watching you trip all over it makes me want to hit you on the head with Liberace.

Matt Albie: I'm Homophobic in the way that makes sense.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: Nevada Day: Part 1 (#1.7)" (2006)
Harriet Hayes: I don't even know what the sides are in the culture wars.
Matt Albie: Well, your side hates my side because you think we think you're stupid and my side hates your side because we think you're stupid.

Matt Albie: It's one thing to be asked to respect someone else's religion, it's another to be asked to respect their taboos.

Matt Albie: The second part doesn't excuse the first part; it only sounds like it does.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: The Option Period (#1.9)" (2006)
Jordan McDeere: What did you end up deciding with Harriet and the concerts?
Matt Albie: I told her it was up to her but they ended up telling her they didn't want her.
Jordan McDeere: Oh, you're kidding?
Matt Albie: No.
Danny Tripp: What was this?
Matt Albie: Harriet was scheduled to appear in a bunch of concerts around the country on Monday nights for a group called Women United Through Faith. She's been active in the group since she was little.
Danny Tripp: They didn't like her quote?
Matt Albie: They felt she seemed to be endorsing gay marriage and that this "wasn't the right time." She's also going to get slammed by Out Magazine for seeming to be against gay marriage. I really think it takes a special kind of rhetorical talent to say something thats draws an admonition from both of those groups at the same time.

Harriet Hayes: [referring to her upcoming bare-all photo-shoot] What do you think?
Matt Albie: Me?
Harriet Hayes: Yeah.
Matt Albie: I think if you want to put on La Perla and pose for a great photographer then its Christmas morning for me.
Harriet Hayes: Thank you.
Matt Albie: But you don't want to.

Lucy Kenwright: [finishing typing the script] I'm finished.
Ricky Tahoe: It's done?
Lucy Kenwright: I meant with my career.
Ricky Tahoe: That's just not true.
Ricky Tahoe: Plus, if things don't work out for you here, you can always go back and write for Benny Hill
Lucy Kenwright: Bite me.
Ricky Tahoe: Give me a kiss.
Lucy Kenwright: I don't think so.
Matt Albie: [walking into the room] Hi.
[Lucy walks over to Matt and kisses him full on the mouth]
Lucy Kenwright: [to Ricky] That was to be mean to you. Goodbye!
[exits, Darius behind]
Matt Albie: [to Darius] You just keep on walking!
Darius Hawthorne: Yes sir!

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: Monday (#1.12)" (2007)
Matt Albie: [believes Luke Scott is bidding on a date with Harriett for a Women United Through Faith online charity auction] Bid $501!
Suzanne: Really?
Matt Albie: Yes
Suzanne: $501?
Matt Albie: I am not giving these people any more money than I have to, bid $501!
Suzanne: Any choice of user name?
Matt Albie: Make something up.
Suzanne: [typing] Boss... sexy.
Matt Albie: NOT Boss Sexy!
Suzanne: Ahh, too late!

Matt Albie: Suzanne! Where's the bid?
Tom Jeter: You bidding on something?
Matt Albie: Just for spite.

Matt Albie: Lukes5858, is he still bidding?
Suzanne: He's the last bid, $1200.
Matt Albie: $1200 I gotta give to abstinence people?
Suzanne: $1201?
Matt Albie: [pause] Alright, do it. And can you find me some non-profit organization that fundamentally does the opposite of what these guys do so I can donate an equal amount to them and make it a wash?
Suzanne: That means an organization that encourages people to have sex.
Matt Albie: It's L.A! You should be able to throw a rock and hit one!

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: The West Coast Delay (#1.4)" (2006)
Matt Albie: [explaining why he thought him and Harriet, a devout Christian, were not right for each other] She believes the world was created in 6 days. And that's not even among the Top 3 reasons we're not together!

Matt Albie: It's not hard to be big. Let's see him make the Dean's List eight semesters in a row as a contemporary dramatic lit major.
Simon Stiles: [about Darren Wells] Fairy.

Matt Albie: What the hell kind of a mind works on a Juliette Lewis impression?
Danny Tripp: The same kind of mind that takes it and puts it in Tim Russert's chair.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: Breaking News (#1.18)" (2007)
Herb Sheldon: Live from Studio City on the Sunset Strip, it's Friday Night in Hollywood.
Mary Tate: Did he just say Studio City?
Matt Albie: Yep.

Simon Stiles: Ah, I'm always grateful for another week of working with you all. I'm grateful for another opportunity to try and do my best. Harry, I hope you're a huge success in the movie, but I am grateful your head is back here full-time. And while I still think you and Matt are each as dumb as a sack of doorknobs, we're all pretty happy that you're at least speaking to each other.
Matt Albie: She knows which side her bread is buttered on.
Harriet Hayes: [With an accent] I'll butter your head jackass.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: K&R: Part 1 (#1.19)" (2007)
Matt Albie: Isn't it possible that Mary got pregnant by another man, and Joseph stepped up so his wife wouldn't get stoned to death by the village?
Harriet Hayes: No.
Matt Albie: It's more likely that an angel inseminated her, and she gave birth to a magical wizard who could rise from the dead?
Harriet Hayes: He's not David Copperfield!

Matt Albie: Science is something you believe in, science has to be proven, or then not get to call it science
Harriet Hayes: Wouldn't it be great if you knew something about Christians, before you start...
Matt Albie: It's a fairy tail!
Harriet Hayes: No, it's not
Matt Albie: We've been having this fight for six months!
Harriet Hayes: We've been having this fight for two years!
Matt Albie: We have been having this fight in two different millennia, now!

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: The Wrap Party (#1.6)" (2006)
Matt Albie: Maybe he just needs
Simon Stiles: What HE needs is a bottle of Colt 45 and a bucket of fried chicken, Matt.
Matt Albie: It wasn't that bad.
Simon Stiles: DON'T patronize me!

Danny Tripp: You need to trust me on this.
Matt Albie: You are?
Danny Tripp: Twice divorced
Matt Albie: And you have?
Danny Tripp: No one special in my life
Matt Albie: And you haven't for?
Danny Tripp: Quite some time

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: The Harriet Dinner: Part I (#1.13)" (2007)
Matt Albie: [bidding on a date with Harriet that supports abstinence groups] Bid $5301!
Suzanne: And $5302 for the sex club?
Matt Albie: It's not a sex club, it's a group that supports polyamourous sexual activity with multiple partners... not sure what that is, but I'm pretty sure it upsets the abstinence people.
Suzanne: They want to give you an award at their next dinner.
Suzanne: I should tell them no?
Matt Albie: Meh, an award's an award.

Matt Albie: For the record, I like seeing you this way.
Danny Tripp: In pain?
Matt Albie: No, you know, I don't know.

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: 4 A.M. Miracle (#1.16)" (2007)
Danny Tripp: The first day of work, I said, "You and Harriet, is it gonna be a problem?" You said, "No, Danny, no, it's not gonna be a problem."
Matt Albie: Did I say it in the same creepy little voice you just used?

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: K&R: Part 3 (#1.21)" (2007)
Jack Rudolph: I need you.
Matt Albie: Jack, my whole life I've been waiting to hear those words from you. Say them again, say them as if you...
Jack Rudolph: Shut up!