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: What about the puffer? Crystal
: Yeah, well at first I couldn't find it, and when we found it... it was all out of you know... shit... the... um Russ
: Mist? Crystal
: Yeah that's it. Do you know what his last words were? Russ
: Come on, don't do this. Crystal
: Krystal, my sweet angel. Go into my wallet and get the ticket because you and Russ deserve to have that money. Russ
: Oh, come on... don't do this to me... Crystal
: Fuck me, no fried clams? Crystal
: All right... key lime pie!
: Well, now that Walter's dead we need to find ourself a new beard. Crystal
: Oh... I know one! We could have Scatter... he's this really sweet guy from high school that installed my carpet.
[after going through several choices
: Want to have sex? Crystal
: Oh, yeah sure!
: What about this little missy? There's enough mist in this little puppy to save 10 masturbators!
: Remember I told you about my brother's car, the one that got in a wreck? Russ
: For the sake of expediency, I am going to say yes.
: [after having sex with Russ
] Boy, that is always such a treat. Oh, with Dick it's like having sex with a sloth. Russ
: Ugh, don't put that image in my head!
: It's merely the concept of gravity. Russ
: No, no, the concept of gravity is when you fall down and break your head open. Gig
: Well, obviously your glass is half empty. Russ
: No, my glass is totally empty!
: You know, you better start taking notes, because when me and Gig start hashing it out there's going to be a lot of gold flying around and I don't want to miss any of it. Crystal
: [after Russ's lame bomb scare idea
] Right, then the firemen will come and the policemen will come, so kind of a lame idea, you know. Russ
: Alright, jeez, it's just an idea, it's a work in progress for God's sake. Even a painter's got to take the brushes and clean them. Crystal
: Whatever that means. Russ
: Okay! Do you have any better ideas, Ms. Smarty-Pants? Crystal
: Why can't I just distract Bobby somehow, the security guy? And you switch the balls. Russ
: No, no, lame. That's lame. Gig
: No, that's brilliant. No really, it's so simple, it's brilliant. In its simplicity Russ. Russ
: [after discussing finding a beard
] Oh, og God, okay, I got it. I buy the ticket in disguise! Okay? And this eliminates all the outsiders. That's it, okay. Yeah, yeah, now we're cooking with gas! Crystal
: I mean, how would you disguise yourself? Gig
: What, as Charlie Chaplin? As The Tramp or something? Crystal
: Yeah, or no, like, from the Wizard of Oz. That guy. The Straw Guy. Gig
: The Straw Man. Crystal
: Yeah, the Straw Man, he could put some hay in his clothes and wear a hat.
: No one would know it's him! Ooh, it's clever. Gig
: Nobody would ever know! No! Russ. Russ
: It's the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. If you're going to make fun of me, get your facts straight. Crystal
: Well, my apologies sir. I am not the cartoon aficionada _sic_ that you are. Russ
: It's not a cartoon Crystal, it's a movie. Crystal
: Who gives a shit!
: Do you masturbate, Russ? Russ
: Jeez, I've been so busy lately I barely polish my shoes.
: As our Jewish friends say: "Enjoy."
: Look Russ, remember I told you about my cousin's stepdad? The one with the roadside fun park in Colorado. Russ
: Well, if you did, my brain immediately purged it.
: Unfortunately Russell we have a new wrinkle in the situation. Russ
: Oh really? What's the wrinkle? Dale
: Basically I had to play pinata with Jerry the bookie's skull. See, that sort of ups the invoice a little. Russ
: Is he okay? Dale
: No, he's dead. Russ
: Oh! Oh, God!
: Give me the money Russ. Russ
: Great, Gig. We gotta talk about this. Dale
: I'll fuckin' ball-bat you, you creep cocksucker! Russ
: Okay, okay. Okay. Dale
: [leaving, picks up bottle in curiosity
] Mint Listerine? Russ
: Yeah. Dale
: When did they come out with this? Russ
: I don't know. Dale
: Is it good? Russ
: Yeah, it's good.
: Don't say anything. Not a word. Because if I hear one bullshit comment like, "What's that?" or "What are you talking about?" I'm gonna pick that phone up and call the cops. Russ
: What? Wh-what do you mean?
[Dick goes for the phone
: It slipped out! Dick, we're listening. Go ahead.
: [after finding out there are cops in Gig's club
] I've always wanted to give an inmate fame. You know, they kill the celebrities first, then they fuck 'em in the butt!
: No man becomes wise without stepping on the soil of fools. Russ
: Right. Right! But I never claimed to be a... that's good. Where did you get that? Is that from the bible? Larry
: No, actually it's from this play I wrote in eight grade about Evel Knievel.
: Oh Crystal, we are under surveillance. Last night I stopped by a convenience store. A cop pulled in behind me, he got out, he followed me in... and then he pretended to get a cup of coffee! Crystal
: Did he pretend to get a doughnut?
: [sirens wailing
] Don't say a word without a lawyer, even if they beat the crap out of you. Stay strong. Russ
: Not tonight, nobody's beating the crap outta me.
: [asking who put his boss in the hospital
] Was it Dale the Thug? Det. Pat Lakewood
: I don't know, some jerk in a plaid shirt. But don't worry
[imitates gunfire with his fingers
] Det. Pat Lakewood
: I killed him.