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Quotes for
Russ Richards (Character)
from Lucky Numbers (2000)

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Lucky Numbers (2000)
Russ: What about the puffer?
Crystal: Yeah, well at first I couldn't find it, and when we found it... it was all out of you know... shit... the... um
Russ: Mist?
Crystal: Yeah that's it. Do you know what his last words were?
Russ: Come on, don't do this.
Crystal: Krystal, my sweet angel. Go into my wallet and get the ticket because you and Russ deserve to have that money.
Russ: Oh, come on... don't do this to me...
Crystal: Fuck me, no fried clams?
Crystal: All right... key lime pie!

Russ: Well, now that Walter's dead we need to find ourself a new beard.
Crystal: Oh... I know one! We could have Scatter... he's this really sweet guy from high school that installed my carpet.
[after going through several choices]
Russ: Want to have sex?
Crystal: Oh, yeah sure!

Russ: What about this little missy? There's enough mist in this little puppy to save 10 masturbators!

Larry: Remember I told you about my brother's car, the one that got in a wreck?
Russ: For the sake of expediency, I am going to say yes.

Crystal: [after having sex with Russ] Boy, that is always such a treat. Oh, with Dick it's like having sex with a sloth.
Russ: Ugh, don't put that image in my head!

Gig: It's merely the concept of gravity.
Russ: No, no, the concept of gravity is when you fall down and break your head open.
Gig: Well, obviously your glass is half empty.
Russ: No, my glass is totally empty!

Russ: You know, you better start taking notes, because when me and Gig start hashing it out there's going to be a lot of gold flying around and I don't want to miss any of it.
Crystal: [after Russ's lame bomb scare idea] Right, then the firemen will come and the policemen will come, so kind of a lame idea, you know.
Russ: Alright, jeez, it's just an idea, it's a work in progress for God's sake. Even a painter's got to take the brushes and clean them.
Crystal: Whatever that means.
Russ: Okay! Do you have any better ideas, Ms. Smarty-Pants?
Crystal: Why can't I just distract Bobby somehow, the security guy? And you switch the balls.
Russ: No, no, lame. That's lame.
Gig: No, that's brilliant. No really, it's so simple, it's brilliant. In its simplicity Russ.
Russ: [after discussing finding a beard] Oh, og God, okay, I got it. I buy the ticket in disguise! Okay? And this eliminates all the outsiders. That's it, okay. Yeah, yeah, now we're cooking with gas!
Crystal: I mean, how would you disguise yourself?
Gig: What, as Charlie Chaplin? As The Tramp or something?
Crystal: Yeah, or no, like, from the Wizard of Oz. That guy. The Straw Guy.
Gig: The Straw Man.
Crystal: Yeah, the Straw Man, he could put some hay in his clothes and wear a hat.
[Sarcastically]
Crystal: No one would know it's him! Ooh, it's clever.
Gig: Nobody would ever know! No! Russ.
Russ: It's the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. If you're going to make fun of me, get your facts straight.
Crystal: Well, my apologies sir. I am not the cartoon aficionada _sic_ that you are.
Russ: It's not a cartoon Crystal, it's a movie.
Crystal: Who gives a shit!

Walter: Do you masturbate, Russ?
Russ: Jeez, I've been so busy lately I barely polish my shoes.

Russ: As our Jewish friends say: "Enjoy."

Larry: Look Russ, remember I told you about my cousin's stepdad? The one with the roadside fun park in Colorado.
Russ: Well, if you did, my brain immediately purged it.

Dale: Unfortunately Russell we have a new wrinkle in the situation.
Russ: Oh really? What's the wrinkle?
Dale: Basically I had to play pinata with Jerry the bookie's skull. See, that sort of ups the invoice a little.
Russ: Is he okay?
Dale: No, he's dead.
Russ: Oh! Oh, God!

Dale: Give me the money Russ.
Russ: Great, Gig. We gotta talk about this.
Dale: I'll fuckin' ball-bat you, you creep cocksucker!
Russ: Okay, okay. Okay.
Dale: [leaving, picks up bottle in curiosity] Mint Listerine?
Russ: Yeah.
Dale: When did they come out with this?
Russ: I don't know.
Dale: Is it good?
Russ: Yeah, it's good.

Dick Simmons: Don't say anything. Not a word. Because if I hear one bullshit comment like, "What's that?" or "What are you talking about?" I'm gonna pick that phone up and call the cops.
Russ: What? Wh-what do you mean?
[Dick goes for the phone]
Russ: It slipped out! Dick, we're listening. Go ahead.

Russ: [after finding out there are cops in Gig's club] I've always wanted to give an inmate fame. You know, they kill the celebrities first, then they fuck 'em in the butt!

Larry: No man becomes wise without stepping on the soil of fools.
Russ: Right. Right! But I never claimed to be a... that's good. Where did you get that? Is that from the bible?
Larry: No, actually it's from this play I wrote in eight grade about Evel Knievel.

Russ: Oh Crystal, we are under surveillance. Last night I stopped by a convenience store. A cop pulled in behind me, he got out, he followed me in... and then he pretended to get a cup of coffee!
Crystal: Did he pretend to get a doughnut?

Larry: [sirens wailing] Don't say a word without a lawyer, even if they beat the crap out of you. Stay strong.
Russ: Not tonight, nobody's beating the crap outta me.

Russ: [asking who put his boss in the hospital] Was it Dale the Thug?
Det. Pat Lakewood: I don't know, some jerk in a plaid shirt. But don't worry
[imitates gunfire with his fingers]
Det. Pat Lakewood: I killed him.