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: Dex, I find it hard to believe that someone of your, uh... Dex
: Moral turpitude? Priest
: Yeah, would ever consider being a priest. Dex
: Ya know, actually, I was accepted to Divinity school. Priest
: Really? So what happened? Dex
: It's like St. Augustine said, ya know: "Lord, give me chastity and virtue, but not just yet."
: Do you want to have sex with this woman? Dave
: Definitely. Dex
: Okay, then you're violating the first rule of being Steve. Dave
: Who? Dex
: You must learn to eliminate your desire. Rick
: It's Buddhist. Dex
: I think the Taoists said it first. Rick
: Hey, are we gonna have a seminar or are we gonna play golf? Dex
: Just a short seminar on the elimination of desire, okay? If you're out with this girl and even THINKING about getting laid, you're finished, cuz women can smell an agenda like shit on a shoe.
: What do you look for in a woman? Dex
: Uh... Low Standards.
: Okay, so if I'm not a Steve, then what am I? Dex
: You... You're... a Stu.
: Look at me. Look at me, okay? Technically, I shouldn't be getting laid, but I do. And do you know why, Dave? Because when I'm hanging out with a woman, that's all I'm doing is hanging out, talking, listening. I'm not sitting there thinking about how to get in bed with her. And this completely confuses them because they're saying "Wait a minute. I'm so much better looking than this guy. Isn't he attracted to me?" The basic principle: We pursue that which retreats from us. Rick
: It's from Heidegger. Unnamed Guy Playing Poker
: Groucho Marks said the same thing. "Act like a woman can't join your club, and she'll do almost anything to get in."
: You have so many great books. Dex
] The better to seduce you with. Julie
: What? Dex
: The better to deduce the truth with.
: Dating's so tricky, that's all. And you're really cool. You have a great personality. I just don't wanna... I just don't wanna mess up our friendship. Julie
: Friendship? We just met!
: I made a schedule on my computer. Dex
: How Marcia Brady of you!
: How can you not love a British rock band consisting of four teenage bumble bees.
: Can I talk to you second? Dex
: I'm blanching the butter. Rick
: Okay, Martha Stewart. When you're done?
: But I think seriously that most people want a composite of the opposite sex. Ya know, cuz you gals aren't ever going to find Antonio Banderas with the personality of Fred MacMurray. And I'm never going to get Rachel Welch with the personality of Lucille Ball. Syd
: What's wrong with just Lucille Ball? Rick
: What's wrong with just Rachel Welch? Dex
: Amen! I mean my biggest fear is that I'm gonna marry the woman that I want to hang out with and talk to in my golden years and then die in a fiery car crash when I'm forty and I miss all those years of having sex.
: [to Dex
] But you've never been happy with any women you've dated. Dex
: Well, that's Male Insanity Syndrome. Ya know, that is just you're with a woman and no matter how cool she is, you're always thinking "Maybe I could do a little better or I could trade up somehow. Syd
: "Trade up?"
: Dex is just bitter because he's never been in love. Dex
] I love my dog.
[Dex takes a substantial hit off a bong at 7:30am
: Would you describe this as a typical morning for you? Dex
: [Trying not to exhale
] Hell no. Usually I spend this time cross-training.
: So, you smoke pot for breakfast, you work part time, and you... Dex
: ...have limited potential.
: Doing stuff is overrated. Like Hitler. He did a lot. But don't we all wish he woulda just stayed home and gotten stoned? Syd
: Oh, I see. So you're only options are to get stoned or commit genocide?
: I'm serious. If you're hanging out with women as friends, your doing your research in the wrong library. Dave
: What's wrong with being friends with women? Dex
: Nothing, but getting out of that category of 'friend' is harder than like getting out of Alcatraz.
: And this takes us to the second rule of Being Steve: You have to do something excellent in her presence, thus demonstrating your sexual worthiness.
: Steve is the prototypical cool American male. Y'know, I'm talking about Steve McGarrett, alright? Steve Austin, Steve McQueen. Y'know, he's the guy on his horse, the guy alone. He has his own code of honor, his own code of ethics, his own rules of living, man. He never, ever tries to impress the women but he always gets the girl.
: Awwww, dude, there's a certain order you're supposed to do things in, and telling someone you love them is definitely last in that order. Dave
: Well, when are you supposed to tell 'em? Dex
: I dunno. Maybe your 40th wedding anniversary or something?
: I'm gonna tell you this one last time and maybe you should tattoo it on your dick so you don't forget, okay? "We pursue that which retreats from us."
: And that takes us to Part III of the Tao of Steve, okay? Alright, after you've eliminated your desire, and after you've been excellent in her presence, then you must retreat. Okay?
: You couldn't resist my powerful penetrating stare, could you? Syd
: No, I wanted to tell you, you had a huge glob of guacamole on your shirt.
: Okay, so, if you're falling in love with me, you... why are you with all these other women? Dex
: Oh, come on. Am I supposed to remain celibate while I bask in like the warm glow of your annihilating contempt?
: You think it's more honest to pretend to listen to a woman when you're just thinking about getting laid. Dave
: I think it's more honest than pretending I don't wanna get laid, ya know? Dex
: That's the whole point. Don't pretend, man. Just really let go of your desire.
: There'll be walking. Dex
] Yeah? Rick
: And climbing. Dex
: I know. Rick
: Outdoors. Dex
: Shut the fuck up.
[At night, in their tents
: Good night, Rick! Rick
: Good night, Dex. Dex
: Good night, Maggie! Maggie
: Good night, John Boy. Dex
: Goodnight, Syd. Syd
: MY GOD DO YOU EVER STOP TALKING?
: This is almost as ridiculous as your sleeping diet. Dex
: That time I lost 30 pounds. Rick
: You also lost your job.
: The Tao of Steve isn't about picking up lots of women. It's about being the best person you can be, and I'm not.
: You think all Buddhist monks are like the Dalai Lama? I mean, you don't there are guys in Nepal, right, who are like, "What should I do? Should I carry packs of heavy shit for Westerners up to the top of the base camp on Mt. Everest, or should I stay down here in Katmandu and maybe just chant all day and check out chicks and pretend to be holy?"
: Both men and women want to have sex. It's natural, except we're on different timetables. Women want to have sex, like, y'know, fifteen minutes after us, so alright, if you hold out for twenty she'll be chasing you for five.
: Y'know, no one ever says, "Hey, God, how was your day? What can I do for you, God?" Or, "Hey, God, did you catch Letterman last night?" Syd
: Oh, and I suppose you talk to God like that? Dex
: Always. All the time. Syd
: And what does God say? Dex
: He says, "You know what? I saw Letterman and it sucked."
: You can't just go up to a woman and say, 'Hi! I'm Dave! I like smoking pot, reading the sports page on the john... wanna have sex with me?'
: [Dex, talking to his dog
] Quit looking at me like that! You're acting like a co-dependant girlfriend!
: Do you smoke? Dex
: I have the occasional pack a day.
: What are you excellent at? Dave
: I'm an excellent camper. Dex
: Ok, but you can't camp in front of a woman.
: Did you just kiss my boo boo? Syd
: Did it help? Dex
: A little. You might have to do it again.
: I just think it's cool that you get to, I know, you know, hang out with god all day. Priest
: You know, I don't exactly hang out with god.
: Does this type of thing usually work on young philosophy students? Dex
: I don't know. Did it work on you?
: I don't want god to punish you. Dex
: Okay. Dex
: I wanna punish you.