Harry Crumb
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Quotes for
Harry Crumb (Character)
from Who's Harry Crumb? (1989)

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Who's Harry Crumb? (1989)
Harry Crumb: What's this? An egg?
Eliot Draison: It's a pterodactyl egg. It's fossilized. It's 90 million years old. In the entire world, only two of these have ever been found.
Harry Crumb: You know, that may be worth something.

Harry Crumb: [impersonating a Hungarian hairdresser] I am Djour Djilios.
Suki's Salon Receptionist: Could you spell that please?
Harry Crumb: I don't think so. Try it with a "D".

Harry Crumb: My reputation precedes me. Otherwise I'd be late for all my appointments.

Mikki Downing: Look at her. Isn't she perfect?
Harry Crumb: Well, I wouldn't say perfect. I mean, look at the size of her head. She must be enormous.
Harry Crumb: But easy to find.

Mrs. MacIntyre: [looking at photos of her husband cheating on her] You idiot! These pictures are of me!
[Harry Crumb falls backwards in his chair]
Harry Crumb: What? Let me see those.
Mrs. MacIntyre: Give them here.
Harry Crumb: Not so fast. I've had my eye on you for a while, lady. I knew you were up to something, and here's my proof: it was you who was having an affair with your husband all along!
Mrs. MacIntyre: What?
Harry Crumb: I've uncovered some pretty low schemes in my time. But secretly hiring me to take pornographic pictures of you and your sleazeball husband is as low as it gets!
Mrs. MacIntyre: I don't believe this!
Harry Crumb: Believe what you want, lady. But don't believe it here.
Mrs. MacIntyre: You are a poor excuse for a human being!
Harry Crumb: Says you!

Harry Crumb: [Harry and Nikki are having a heart-to-heart conversation, while out on a drive] You know Nikki, you and I are a lot alike. We're both travelling through life...
[He presses the break pedal and nothing happens]
Harry Crumb: ... IN A CAR WITH NO BREAKS!

Eliot Draison: [Harry is showing Elliot photographic evidence of Hellen Downing having an affair. However, Harry is not aware that the man in the photos is Elliot himself, not the apartment's owner, Vince Barnes, who is also a lover of Hellen's. The photos clearly show Elliot's face, and Elliot is amused by Harry's ignorance] You haven't looked at these have you?
Harry Crumb: No. I was there!
[Both men laugh]
Harry Crumb: You'd think an athletic guy like Vince Barnes would have a big dingus
[Elliot is clearly infuriated, but Harry doesn't notice]
Harry Crumb: ... But, no, look at that pathetic little...
[Sees "Fallacy" on his word-a-day callendar, but ignores the definition]
Harry Crumb: fallacy.
Eliot Draison: [Elliot indignantly slams the photos down on the desk] You don't know anything about this case, do you?

[With the help of Nikki Downing driving the passenger stairs truck in front of the airplane bound for Buenos Aries, Harry crashes through the door and enter the aircraft]
Elderly Woman: Who is that?
Harry Crumb: Crumb, Harry Crumb.
[walks toward Helen and Vince]
Harry Crumb: And I hereby charge these two miscreants with the kidnapping of one Jennifer Downing.
Vince Barnes: [pulls out a gun on Harry] You must be crazy, Crumb.
Harry Crumb: Crazy? Crazy like a fox. I must warn you, Vince Barnes, I have a black belt in Aikido...
[Harry uses karate moves and kiai to intimidate Vince, who is hesitant to shoot him]
Helen Downing: [to Vince] For chrissake, just shoot him!
[Harry kicks off his first boot at a distracted Vince, knocking his gun away, then the second one which knocks him out cold. Helen, defeated, could only watch]
Harry Crumb: ...and the boots to match.

[At LAX, Harry manages to break open the door to the control room, albeit Harry getting hit in the process, to see a chained-up Eliot, the actual mastermind behind the kidnapping of Jennifer Downing, with masking tape around his mouth]
Harry Crumb: [shocked] Eliot!
[two LAPD cops stare at Eliot, now seemly defeated]
Harry Crumb: [smirks and smiles] Don't think I didn't know what was going on in your mind.
Harry Crumb: You didn't I could figure it out, did ya, Eliot? You didn't think I was up to the challenge. Now you understand. Mm-hmm. Now you know how good I really am. Yep, now you know the folly of your ways. Maybe now, in front of these two gentlemen, you'll finally be man enough to give credit where credit is due. What do you say to that, Eliot Draison?
[Harry rips off the tape from Eliot's mouth; Eliot yells]
Eliot Draison: [growls; furious] All right, you imbecile. I confess! I did it! I kidnapped her! I was behind the whole thing! I don't know how you figured it out with that witless brain of yours, but I'd rather rot in jail for the rest of my life
Eliot Draison: rather than listen to ONE MORE IDIOTIC WORD!
Harry Crumb: [to the cops] Book him.