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Quotes for
Brian Topp (Character)
from "Spaced" (1999)

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"Spaced: Art (#1.3)" (1999)
Brian: What are you playing?
Tim: It's a subtle blend of lateral thinking and extreme violence.
Brian: What, like "It's a Knockout"?

Brian: Brian. Painter-loser. BIG FUCKING LOSER.

Daisy Steiner: You don't like Brian?
Tim Bisley: I do like Brian, I just think he's a bit pretentious.
[Brian enters, wearing an incredibly gaudy outfit]
Brian Topp: How do I look?
Tim Bisley: A bit pretentious?
Brian Topp: D'you think I should lose the waistcoat?
Tim Bisley: No, I think you should burn it. Because if you lose it, you might find it again.

[Brian has received a letter that simply says "Come"]
Brian: It's from Vulva.
Tim: Who's Vulva?
Brian: An old friend of mine.
Tim: You've got a friend called Vulva? Who's called Vulva?
Brian: Her real name's Ian.
Tim: What do you mean, her real name's Ian?
Brian: She's non-gender-specific.
Tim: Oh what, you mean like a tranny?
Brian: [smiles] More than that.
Tim: [scoffs] What, a big fat tranny?

Vulva: [noticing Brian at the after-show party] Oh Brian, you came!
Brian: No, I just spilt my drink.

Tim Bisley: You got mail today.
[hands him envelope]
Brian Topp: It's open.
Tim Bisley: Yeah, I opened it because I thought it was mine since we both... have... I's in our names.
[shifts his eyes in guilt]

[Someone knocks into Brian, spilling his drink]
Vulva: Oh Brian, you came.
Brian Topp: Uh, no, I just spilled my drink.

[Brian contemplates going to see Vulva's art show]
Tim Bisley: So are you gonna go?
Brian Topp: Oh, I don't know. It's been so long.
Tim Bisley: No, I mean are you gonna go... now?

Brian Topp: Do you think I should lose the waistcoat?
Tim Bisley: I think you should burn it. Because if you lose it, you might find it again.

"Spaced: Leaves (#2.7)" (2001)
Tim: Okay listen. When we get there let me do the talking. I *am* the only one here who's capable of serious communication, so - Sorry, sorry. That sounded bad. I didn't mean to suggest that you aren't good communicators. Alright, Mike?
Mike: [grunting] Yes.
Tim: Brian?
Brian Topp: [Brian makes an unintelligible noise.]

Brian Topp: What are you going to say to her?
Tim: Well -
[dream sequence begins]
Tim: Marsha, they say that the family of the twenty-first century is made up of friends, and not relatives, and if that's true, then you're the best aunty I've ever had!
Marsha Klein: Aw.
[Marsha hugs him and gives him a quick peck; they pause, look at each other, and begin kissing deeply]
Brian Topp: Tim?
Tim: [returning from the daydream] Aaaaaaahhh!
Brian Topp: You alright?
Tim: Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine? Light's green.

Brian Topp: Can we go later?
Mike: Why?
Brian Topp: Frightened.
Mike: C'mon, Brian. You've gotta be strong. What are you, a man or a mouse?
[Brian squeaks]

"Spaced: Chaos (#1.5)" (1999)
Brian: Chaos Theory!
Tim: Eh?
Brian: The predictability of random events. The notion that reality as we know it, past, present and future is actually a mathematically predictable preordained system.
Daisy: So somewhere out their in the vastness of the unknown is an equation... for predicting the future!
Brian: An equation so complex as to utterly defy any possibility of comprehension by even the most brilliant human mind, but an equation nonetheless.
Tim: Oh my God!
Brian: What?
Tim: I've got some fucking Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket!

[Tim, Daisy and Brian have all just watched the original Star Wars trilogy]
Tim: Brian, did you notice that everything that transpired in those three films - and I *mean* everything - can be attributed to the actions of one very *minor* character?
Brian: Who?
Tim: The gunner on the Star Destroyer at the beginning of the first film.
Brian: How come?
Tim: [know-it-all] Well. Hmmhmmhmm. Because, if the gunner *had* shot the pod that C-3P0 and R2 were in, they wouldn't have got to Tatooine, they wouldn't have met Luke, Luke wouldn't have met Ben, they wouldn't have met Han and Chewie, they wouldn't have rescued Princess Leia. *None* of it would have happened.

Brian: Excuse me.
Mike: Let's play!

"Spaced: Epiphanies (#1.6)" (1999)
Brian: Let's weave!

Brian: Can I borrow your video recorder?
Daisy Steiner: What you going to do? Stick it to a canvas as a piece depicting a nation of cathode junkies, selling their imaginations for quick-fix media hits from the Blockbuster syringe?
Brian: No, I want to record "Ready Steady Cook."

Brian: I'm working Tim, working. Do you understand?
Tim: No, sorry. Got me there.
Brian: Trying... to...avoid...clichés by not actually placing my brush on the canvas.
Tim: Wow. Right.
Brian: I'm using my penis.
Tim: Finally.

"Spaced: Battles (#1.4)" (1999)
[Brian is literally wearing a painting]
Tim Bisley: You've got some paint on you.
Brian Topp: It's a literal tribute to the self-reflexivity of Rembrandt.
Tim Bisley: Did he like it?
Brian Topp: He's dead.
Tim Bisley: Bloody hell, that really backfired.

Brian: [enters, wearing a painting] Can I borrow a teabag?
Tim Bisley: [not looking at Brian] Only if you bring it back.
Tim Bisley: You can have a teabag, Brian, you can't borrow one.
[turns to look at him - pauses]
Tim Bisley: You've got some paint on you.

Brian Topp: What are you playing?
Tim: Tomb Raider 3.
Brian Topp: She's drowning.
Tim: Yeah.
Brian Topp: Is that the point of the game?
Tim: It depends what mood you're in really.
Brian Topp: What sort of mood are you in then?
Tim: Well, I got a letter from my girlfriend this morning three months too late explaining why she dumped me. It was full of you'll always be special and I'll always love you platitudes designed to make me feel better while simultaneously appeasing her deep seeded sense of guilt for running off with a slimy little city boy named Duane and destroying my faith in everything in the world that is good and pure.
Brian Topp: So it didn't really work then.
Tim: No, it made me want to drown things!

"Spaced: Change (#2.2)" (2001)
[Brian is in his room, getting very into his painting, breathing heavily. The phone rings, he answers it]
Brian: Hello?
Twist Morgan: [calling him from the dry cleaners] Brian, it's me.
Brian: Hello me.
Twist Morgan: How are you?
Brian: Very well, thank you.
Twist Morgan: I miss you.
Brian: Miss me too.
Twist Morgan: Would you like to come out for drinks later?
Brian: Yes, please.
Twist Morgan: [sexily] Then I can come and stay at yours, I don't have to work tomorrow, we can stay in bed all day.
Brian: [grinning] Mmmmm...
Twist Morgan: [Giggles] So don't forget to wash your sheets.
Brian: Right.
Twist Morgan: And your penis.

[as they all wake up, suddenly]
Daisy Steiner: I'm sorry!
Mike: I'm hit!
Brian: I'm blind!
Tim: Buffy!

"Spaced: Back (#2.1)" (2001)
Agent: Daisy Steiner?
Brian Topp: Yes...
Agent: Are you Daisy Steiner?
Brian Topp: No...

[Tim, Mike, and Daisy walk into her flat to find the two ominous Agents sitting at her kitchen table]
Agent: Welcome home, Ms. Steiner.
Brian Topp: They, er, arrived just before you did.
Tim: You Lando!

"Spaced: Dissolution (#2.6)" (2001)
[on Twist]
Tim: She's shallow, Brian. She's like Cordelia out of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," and latterly "Angel," the spin off series which is set in LA.
Brian: Don't know what you're talking about.
Tim: Brian, you're such a square!

Brian: I'm not an accessory, Twist. You can't just pick me up when you need me.

"Spaced: Ends (#1.7)" (1999)
Brian: I'll pop back later if you change your... shoes.

Brian: I see my ex girlfriends. Well, not so much "see" as "watch"...

"Spaced: Beginnings (#1.1)" (1999)
Daisy Steiner: What do you do Brain?
Brian Topp: An artist.
Tim Bisley: I'm an artist!
Daisy Steiner: Oh, what kind of thing do you do?
Brian Topp: Anger.
[Brian in creepy anger-laden montage]
Brian Topp: Pain.
[Brian in creepy pain-laden montage]
Brian Topp: Fear
[Brian in creepy fear-laden montage]
Brian Topp: Aggression.
[Brian in creepy aggression-laden montage]
Brian Topp: [Tim and Daisy stare blankly, hesitant and terribly freaked out]
Daisy Steiner: Ww... water colours, or...?
Brian: It's a bit more complex than that.
Daisy: Tim does cartoons.
Tim: It's a bit more complex than that.

Daisy Steiner: Do you rent downstairs?
Brian: You mean am I gay?
Daisy Steiner: WHAT?
Brian: You mean am I gay?
Daisy Steiner: No, I meant "Do you rent the downstairs flat?"
Brian: Oh. Yep, sort of.
Tim: Are you gay?
Brian: Hmm?
Tim: Are you gay?
Brian: [in deep contemplation] No...

"Spaced: Gone (#2.5)" (2001)
Mike: If there's one thing I've learned from the military, it's, "Never leave a man behind."
Brian: It's a dog.
Mike: Or a dog.
Brian: All right.

"Spaced: Gatherings (#1.2)" (1999)
[on Daisy's party decorations]
Brian: I see at as a tribute to Christo, the artist.
Tim: I see it as a waste of Baco, the foil.

"Spaced: Help (#2.4)" (2001)
Twist: Why Brian? I happen to like going out! It's important for me to be seen out!
Brian: Yeah, well I don't want to go out, I want to stay in.
Twist: Oh, and have sex! That's all you want to do, I'm not just here for one thing! Why can't you see me as a whole?
Brian: I do.
Twist: A whole Brian, with a 'w'!
Brian: Oh.