Mike Watt
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Quotes for
Mike Watt (Character)
from "Spaced" (1999)

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"Spaced: Leaves (#2.7)" (2001)
Daisy: Colin's gone.
Tim: What?
Daisy: He went next door.
Tim: Oh, Daisy. I'm sorry. How did that happen?
Daisy: He walked.
Tim: Right, right. Sorry. My mum used to use "going next door" as a euphemism for being dead.
Mike: Whoa. Does that mean my rabbit's dead?
Tim: It's been 18 years Mike, where did you think he was?
Mike: [sobbing] Next door!

[Tim and Mike are trying to break into Marsha's room.]
Daisy: Look, I'm having no part in this.
Tim: Look, we have to find out where Amber lives.
Daisy: This is all wrong!
Mike: C'mon Daisy. It's the only way.
Daisy: Will you stop it!
Tim: Do you want to be homeless? Do you want to go out and buy "Loot" every morning? Do you want to see what Marsha's room looks like?
[Tim and Mike smile mischievously at Daisy; the scene cuts to her kicking in the door to the room]

Tim: Okay listen. When we get there let me do the talking. I *am* the only one here who's capable of serious communication, so - Sorry, sorry. That sounded bad. I didn't mean to suggest that you aren't good communicators. Alright, Mike?
Mike: [grunting] Yes.
Tim: Brian?
Brian Topp: [Brian makes an unintelligible noise.]

Brian Topp: Can we go later?
Mike: Why?
Brian Topp: Frightened.
Mike: C'mon, Brian. You've gotta be strong. What are you, a man or a mouse?
[Brian squeaks]

Mike: It's on.
Tim: What is?
Mike: Something bloody spectacular.

Dexter: Is this all above board, Sergeant?
Mike: Are you questioning my orders, Dexter?
Dexter: No, Sergeant.
Mike: Do what I say and I'll make sure you're recommended for a promotion.
Dexter: I just don't see how this matter is a concern for the military.
Mike: Are we not soldiers, Dexter?
Dexter: Yes, Sergeant.
Mike: Do we not have a sacred duty to keep the peace?
Dexter: Yes, Sergeant.
Mike: Could you, in good conscience, neglect to intervene in a needless, solvable conflict?
Dexter: No, Sergeant.
Mike: Then go get your boombox, and let's rock.

Mike: What do we have, other than my van, which has wheels, and is slightly quicker than walking?
Tim: You've gotta be fucking kidding.

"Spaced: Gatherings (#1.2)" (1999)
Mike: Don't want to go into your party?
Tim: But they were playing 'The Time Warp', I hate 'The Time Warp'!
Mike: Daisy likes it.
Tim: So what? I hate it! It's boil-in-the-bag perversion for sexually repressed accountants and first-year drama students with too many posters of Betty Blue, The Blues Brothers, Big Blue and Blue Velvet on their blue bloody walls!

Tim: Do you think we're getting old, Mike?
Mike: Everyone gets old, Tim. Everyone except my cousin Adam.
Tim: What's so special about your cousin Adam?
Mike: He is getting younger.
Tim: Bastard. What are we gonna do?
Mike: There's nothing we can do, the government know, they keep it very hush-hush.
Tim: I'm not talking about Adam! I'm talking about what we're gonna do now!

Mike: [introducing himself, with a salute] Sergeant Mike Watts, TA. It's the longest way up, shortest way down.

[meeting for the first time, Mike and Brian just stand in awkward silence]
Daisy: [gestures to Brian] Artist.
[gestures to herself]
Daisy: Writer.
[gestures to Mike]
Mike: Er, Mike.

[Tim answers the door. It's Mike, but also two teenage girls. Tim smiles at them]
Amber's Friend #2: Oh, hi. We're looking for the party.
Tim: Er, yeah, well, come on in.
Amber's Friend: Are you Amber's dad?
Tim: [laughs, then his smile fades] It's upstairs.
[as they go up the stairs]
Tim: I think you might have missed the puppet show, though!
Amber's Friend, Amber's Friend #2: Fuck off!
Tim: [angrily] What did you say?
Mike: They said "fuck off".
Tim: I know what they said, Mike! Little cow, standing there with her bloomin' purple hair and her alcopops, giving it all that...

"Spaced: Dissolution (#2.6)" (2001)
Mike: Don't forget whose shoulder you cried on when the last one dumped you.
Tim: I won't.
Mike: Or when Johnny Alpha got killed by that big flying monster in 2000 A.D.

Tim: Mike, you will always be my number one.
Mike: Then why are you treating me like a number two?

Mike: [to Sophie] If you hurt him, I'll kill you.
[Mike runs away]
Sophie: [to Tim] Did he mean that?
Tim: [laughs and hugs Sophie] Yeah.

Tim: Bitter, Mike?
Mike: No. Are you?
Tim: Would you like a pint of bitter, Mike?
Mike: Oh. Yeah.

[Tim, Daisy, Mike, and Brian are gathered outside the restaurant]
Tim: What are we going to do?
Mike: We could go clubbing.
Tim: I mean about Marsha, Mike! We've potentially destroyed her faith in the integrity of today's youth.
[the whole group looks at Tim quizzically]
Tim: [correcting himself] - young adults.
Daisy Steiner: We've got to pull together, or else we're going to lose everything.
Mike: Clubbing it is, then!

"Spaced: Help (#2.4)" (2001)
Tyres: Mine's a pint of the black stuff.
Mike: You can't drink a pint of Bovril.

Mike: Don't worry Daisy. Tim's just really ANGRY at you because you've just jeopardised his future.

Tim Bisley: You ready, Mike?
Mike Watt: I was born ready, Timmy.
Tim Bisley: Yeah, but are you ready now?
Mike Watt: Uhh... yeah.

Tim: What's the hold up?
Mike: There been an accident. Someone got hurt.
Tim: Who?
Mike: A lady.
Tim: How d'you know?
Mike: Because we hit her.
Tim: Did we?
Mike: Yeah. That's her there.
Tim: Ah.

"Spaced: Ends (#1.7)" (1999)
Mike: [Mike's thinking while being interviewed by TA Officer] I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy Mc Nab, I'm Andie MacDowell ummmmm...

Mike: In 1994 while on weekend manoeuvres in France, I commandeered a Chieftain tank without permission of my immediate superiors. I then attempted to invade Paris. However, en route I stopped off at Disneyland, or Eurodisney as it was then called, and was subsequently apprehended on Space Mountain.
TA Officer: Do you have any explanation as to why you might have done this?
Mike: Well sir, at the time, I was suffering from serious emotional problems that had clearly affected my judgement. I had immersed myself in a fantasy world of my own creation and as a result I became very insular and uncommunicative.
TA Officer: Why do you think that was?
Mike: [Shrugs] I dunno.

[Mike is going into a job interview]
Tim Bisley: Just... give it your best shot, OK?
Mike Watt: Can't you come in with me?
Tim Bisley: I'm not your dad, Mike!
Tim Bisley: Here's your sandwiches. I'll pick you up at five.

"Spaced: Battles (#1.4)" (1999)
Paint ball player: I've always fancied myself as a bit of a soldier.
Tim: I've always fancied myself.
Mike: I've always fancied you.
Tim: *Not here*.

Duane: When you get that feeling, it's like...
Mike: Sexual healing.
Duane: It's a force beyond your control. You know what they say about love and war.
Tim: Yes. One involves a lot of physical and psychological pain, and the other is war.

Mike: They're not in the jungle. They *are* the jungle.

"Spaced: Mettle (#2.3)" (2001)
Tim: I think we should lose the axe.
Mike Watt: I like the axe.
Tim: I like my *face*.
Mike Watt: *I* like your face.
Tim: Let's keep the axe.

Tim Bisley: I think we should lose the axe...
Mike Watt: I like the axe.
Tim Bisley: I like my face!
Mike Watt: I like your face...
Tim Bisley: ...Let's keep the axe.

"Spaced: Gone (#2.5)" (2001)
Mike: If there's one thing I've learned from the military, it's, "Never leave a man behind."
Brian: It's a dog.
Mike: Or a dog.
Brian: All right.

"Spaced: Change (#2.2)" (2001)
[as they all wake up, suddenly]
Daisy Steiner: I'm sorry!
Mike: I'm hit!
Brian: I'm blind!
Tim: Buffy!

"Spaced: Art (#1.3)" (1999)
Daisy: [answering phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Mike. Yeah, he's here, I'll just get him.
[to Tim]
Daisy: It's your boyfriend.
Tim: He's not my boyfriend.
[picks up phone]
Tim: Hi babe.
Mike: Hello Timmy!
Tim: Where are you?
Mike: Err, Sheffield.
Tim: What are you doing in Sheffield?
Mike: Fell asleep on the tube.
Tim: The tube doesn't go to Sheffield, Mike.
Mike: Yeah, I know. I, uh, must have changed at King's Cross.

"Spaced: Chaos (#1.5)" (1999)
Brian: Excuse me.
Mike: Let's play!

"Spaced: Epiphanies (#1.6)" (1999)
Tim: [on the phone] What you doing playing army on a Sunday morning, you're missing Grange Hill.
Mike: [on the other end of the phone] The TA is no game, Tim.
Tim: It isn't the TA, Mike, it's the Rough Ramblers.
Mike: You're a civilian, you don't understand. You're thinking, "It's Sunday I'd rather be in bed."
Tim: And you're thinking, "It's Sunday, I'd rather be in Apocalypse Now."