Tim Bisley
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Quotes for
Tim Bisley (Character)
from "Spaced" (1999)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Spaced: Art (#1.3)" (1999)
Brian: [Tim is playing Resident Evil 2 on his Playstation] What are you playing?
Tim: It's a subtle blend of lateral thinking and extreme violence.
Brian: What, like "It's a Knockout"?

Daisy: You're up early.
Tim: Oh, I haven't been to bed. Me and Mike met up with these two Scottish guys in the pub and they gave us all this cheap speed.
Daisy: Oh Tim, that's so tacky.
Tim: Yeah I know, but y'know they were so nice. I think if we'd said no they'd have got offended and beaten us to death with a pool cue.

Daisy: [answering phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Mike. Yeah, he's here, I'll just get him.
[to Tim]
Daisy: It's your boyfriend.
Tim: He's not my boyfriend.
[picks up phone]
Tim: Hi babe.
Mike: Hello Timmy!
Tim: Where are you?
Mike: Err, Sheffield.
Tim: What are you doing in Sheffield?
Mike: Fell asleep on the tube.
Tim: The tube doesn't go to Sheffield, Mike.
Mike: Yeah, I know. I, uh, must have changed at King's Cross.

Tim: [answering the phone] Hello? Brian? No, no, he's the weirdo downstairs. Oh, sorry! Sorry, Brian. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come up. OK, bye.
[puts the phone down]
Tim: Brian's coming up.
Daisy: Why did he phone?
Tim: I don't know, why did he paint his arse blue last week?
Daisy: You don't like him, do you?
Tim: I do like him, I just think he's a bit pretentious.
[Brian enters, wearing an incredibly gaudy outfit]
Brian: How do I look?
Tim: A bit pretentious?

Tim: Hey deadhead. Take a bite of peach.

[Brian has received a letter that simply says "Come"]
Brian: It's from Vulva.
Tim: Oh yeah? Is that another woman's magazine?
Brian: Vulva, it's an old friend. She's having a show tonight.
Tim: You've got a friend called Vulva? Who's called Vulva?
Brian: Her real name's Ian.
Tim: What do you mean *her* real name's Ian?
Brian: She's non-gender-specific.
Tim: Oh what, you mean he's a tranny?
Brian: [smiles] More than that.
Tim: What, a big fat tranny?

Tim: Daisy. Daisy, Daisy, Daisy. It's gonna be okay. Now have a big toke on this South African drugs-reefer-style spliff doobie.
Daisy: I dunno. It might make me paranoid.

Daisy: Right, I'm gonna go to the shops. Do you want anything?
Tim: Porn!
Daisy: Tim, I'm not going to buy you porn, OK? You can get it from railway sidings like everybody else.
Tim: I can't, I'm an adult. I'm supposed to leave it there.

Daisy: So who was this girl then?
Tim: Her name was Cassandra, she was a psychic, she gave me her phone number...
[hands Daisy a piece of paper]
Daisy: That's our phone number.
Tim: Man, she's good.

Tim: You know when you said it went well? Well, when you said well, did you mean shite?

Tim: Oh, there's a letter here for you. Came yesterday.
Brian: [picking up the letter] It's open.
Tim: Yeah, I opened it by accident because, erm, we've both got I's in our names.
[Tim shifts his eyes in guilt]

[Brian has received an invitation to Vulva's show and starts reminiscing about their old partnership]
Tim: [sighs] So are you gonna go?
Brian: I don't know, I haven't seen her for ages.
Tim: No, I meant are you gonna go, now?

Brian: Do you think I should lose the waistcoat?
Tim: I think you should burn it. 'Cause, you know, if you lose it, you might find it again.

Daisy: Is there any post?
Tim: Uh, I did hear droppage.

Daisy: I'm not sure if I should go casual or strappy. Something a bit glam. Reliable and frumpy or stupid and glamourous?
Tim: Why don't you go something in between?
Daisy: Frumpy and stupid.
Tim: Save you getting ready.

Daisy: Tim, I'm serious! This is important, I've got to get the right...
Tim: [irritated] Look!


"Spaced: Leaves (#2.7)" (2001)
Daisy: Colin's gone.
Tim: What?
Daisy: He went next door.
Tim: Oh, Daisy. I'm sorry. How did that happen?
Daisy: He walked.
Tim: Right, right. Sorry. My mum used to use "going next door" as a euphemism for being dead.
Mike: Whoa. Does that mean my rabbit's dead?
Tim: It's been 18 years Mike, where did you think he was?
Mike: [sobbing] Next door!

Daisy: [from the alternative ending] We live in a fantasy world, Tim. We've just constructed this fake utopia where y'know we never get old and never have to face the responsibilities of adulthood. We're just stretching our childhoods out as far as they can go.
Tim: Yeah, I know. We're lucky aren't we?
Daisy: I mean, I'm not going to be wearing plastic jewlery when I'm 40. Am I?
Tim: I hope so.

[last lines]
Tim Bisley: Alright?
Daisy Steiner: Alright.

Daisy: They were younger than us.
Tim: What?
Daisy: That couple. They were younger than us.
Tim: Yeah, but only physically.

Daisy: Where are we?
Tim: In the cupboard.
Daisy: Why?
Tim: I have no idea.

Tim: We've got to find her and we've got to say, "Marsha, we're sorry. I know we've done bad, I know we've hurt you, but please, for the sake of us, for the sake of Brian, for the sake of y'know, everything. *Please*, just don't sell the house."
Daisy: Maybe not in such a whiny voice.
Tim: [whiny] Okay.

[Tim and Mike are trying to break into Marsha's room.]
Daisy: Look, I'm having no part in this.
Tim: Look, we have to find out where Amber lives.
Daisy: This is all wrong!
Mike: C'mon Daisy. It's the only way.
Daisy: Will you stop it!
Tim: Do you want to be homeless? Do you want to go out and buy "Loot" every morning? Do you want to see what Marsha's room looks like?
[Tim and Mike smile mischievously at Daisy; the scene cuts to her kicking in the door to the room]

Tim: Okay listen. When we get there let me do the talking. I *am* the only one here who's capable of serious communication, so - Sorry, sorry. That sounded bad. I didn't mean to suggest that you aren't good communicators. Alright, Mike?
Mike: [grunting] Yes.
Tim: Brian?
Brian Topp: [Brian makes an unintelligible noise.]

Brian Topp: What are you going to say to her?
Tim: Well -
[dream sequence begins]
Tim: Marsha, they say that the family of the twenty-first century is made up of friends, and not relatives, and if that's true, then you're the best aunty I've ever had!
Marsha Klein: Aw.
[Marsha hugs him and gives him a quick peck; they pause, look at each other, and begin kissing deeply]
Brian Topp: Tim?
Tim: [returning from the daydream] Aaaaaaahhh!
Brian Topp: You alright?
Tim: Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine? Light's green.

Tim: Marsha, we really really want you back. What can we do to make you understand that?
Marsha Klein: Something bloody spectacular.
Tim: I'm sorry, okay, but just understand - we only did it cos we love living there. Y'know? And you're a big part of that. Look, they say the family of the twenty-first century is made up of friends, and not relatives, and if that's true, then you're the best aunty I ever had.
Marsha Klein: [leaning in close to Tim, who braces himself for a kiss] Kiss. My. Ass.

Sophie: Well, this doesn't have to be the end. We can still have sex on the Internet.
Tim: That's what I was doing before. What time are you off tomorrow?
Sophie: Twelve. Will you come with me to the airport?
Tim: Yeah. Of course, course. Marvel, eh? That's really good.
[they hug]
Tim: So what are you planning on doing for the next thirteen hours?
[Sophie raises an eyebrow suggestively; Tim looks to camera]

Mike: It's on.
Tim: What is?
Mike: Something bloody spectacular.

Daisy: [heard in voiceover as Tim reads her letter] Dear Tim - Please forgive the letter; I'm feeling a bit confused. Everything seems to have changed recently. We all seem to be drifting apart like leaves from once-green oak -
Tim: Skip to the end.

Mike: What do we have, other than my van, which has wheels, and is slightly quicker than walking?
Tim: You've gotta be fucking kidding.


"Spaced: Gatherings (#1.2)" (1999)
Daisy: We need to get used to each other. We don't know each other that well, do we?
[cutaway to Tim reading Daisy's diary]
Tim: [chuckling] Thrush.
[cut back to the original scene]
Tim: No.

Brian: [looking at Daisy's tin foil party decorations] I see it as a tribute to Christo, the artist.
Tim: I see it as a waste of Baco, the foil.

Mike: Don't want to go into your party?
Tim: But they were playing 'The Time Warp', I hate 'The Time Warp'!
Mike: Daisy likes it.
Tim: So what? I hate it! It's boil-in-the-bag perversion for sexually repressed accountants and first-year drama students with too many posters of Betty Blue, The Blues Brothers, Big Blue and Blue Velvet on their blue bloody walls!

Tim: [they can hear the techno music from Amber's party above, so Daisy turns up the volume of their naff 80s pop music] What is this? This is rubbish! We should be listening to firm young melodies, kicking tunes, thumping bass... God, I sound so stupid!

Tim: What with the Skaterama at the East Finchley Uberbowl and the Tripods convention in Swindon, most of my friends are otherwise engaged.

['The Time Warp' from 'The Rocky Horror Show' has started playing]
Twist: [getting up to dance] Ooh, Time Warp!
Marsha: [squeaky voice, mimicking Twist] Ooh, Time Warp!
Tim: [disappointed] Oh, Time Warp?

Tim: Do you think we're getting old, Mike?
Mike: Everyone gets old, Tim. Everyone except my cousin Adam.
Tim: What's so special about your cousin Adam?
Mike: He is getting younger.
Tim: Bastard. What are we gonna do?
Mike: There's nothing we can do, the government know, they keep it very hush-hush.
Tim: I'm not talking about Adam! I'm talking about what we're gonna do now!

[Tim answers the door. It's Mike, but also two teenage girls. Tim smiles at them]
Amber's Friend #2: Oh, hi. We're looking for the party.
Tim: Er, yeah, well, come on in.
Amber's Friend: Are you Amber's dad?
Tim: [laughs, then his smile fades] It's upstairs.
[as they go up the stairs]
Tim: I think you might have missed the puppet show, though!
Amber's Friend, Amber's Friend #2: Fuck off!
Tim: [angrily] What did you say?
Mike: They said "fuck off".
Tim: I know what they said, Mike! Little cow, standing there with her bloomin' purple hair and her alcopops, giving it all that...

[Tim knocks on Brian's door]
Brian: [from inside] Who is it?
Tim: Father Christmas.
[Brian rushes to the door looking all excited]
Brian: Oh, it's you.
Tim: Who'd you think it was?

Tim: [about the charade of them being a couple because the flat was advertised as being for couples only] Do we still have to hold hands in the corridor?
Daisy: Not if you don't want to.
Tim: I didn't say that.
Daisy: We could probably cut down on the fake sex noises.
[cut away to Tim and Daisy making loud grunting and yelping noises, as he plays on his Playstation and she jumps up and down on the sofa]
Tim: Shame.


"Spaced: Beginnings (#1.1)" (1999)
Tim Bisley: Skip to the end.

Daisy Steiner: You have a potentially fatal allergy to Brazil nuts...
Tim Bisley: Yes. I have no memory of Christmas 1979. Mind you, I have no memory of Christmas 1994 either.
Daisy Steiner: Oh, why not?
Tim Bisley: I don't know.

[first lines]
Tim: WHY?

Daisy Steiner: What do you do Brain?
Brian Topp: An artist.
Tim Bisley: I'm an artist!
Daisy Steiner: Oh, what kind of thing do you do?
Brian Topp: Anger.
[Brian in creepy anger-laden montage]
Brian Topp: Pain.
[Brian in creepy pain-laden montage]
Brian Topp: Fear
[Brian in creepy fear-laden montage]
Brian Topp: Aggression.
[Brian in creepy aggression-laden montage]
Brian Topp: [Tim and Daisy stare blankly, hesitant and terribly freaked out]
Daisy Steiner: Ww... water colours, or...?
Brian: It's a bit more complex than that.
Daisy: Tim does cartoons.
Tim: It's a bit more complex than that.

Daisy Steiner: Do you rent downstairs?
Brian: You mean am I gay?
Daisy Steiner: WHAT?
Brian: You mean am I gay?
Daisy Steiner: No, I meant "Do you rent the downstairs flat?"
Brian: Oh. Yep, sort of.
Tim: Are you gay?
Brian: Hmm?
Tim: Are you gay?
Brian: [in deep contemplation] No...

[Tim is being dumped by girlfriend Sarah]
Tim: Just... give me a reason. You think I'm unemotional, don't you? I can *be* emotional. Jesus, I cried like a child at the end of Terminator 2.

Tim: You're scared of mice and spiders, but oh-so-much greater is your fear that one day the two species will cross-breed to form an all-powerful race of mice-spiders who will immobilize human beings in giant webs in order to steal cheese.

Tim: You can't dangle the bogus carrot of possible reconciliation in front of my face whilst riding some other donkey.

Daisy: Do you want another cup of tea?
Tim: Ooh, no thanks, twelve's my limit.


"Spaced: Battles (#1.4)" (1999)
Paint ball player: I've always fancied myself as a bit of a soldier.
Tim: I've always fancied myself.
Mike: I've always fancied you.
Tim: *Not here*.

Duane: When you get that feeling, it's like...
Mike: Sexual healing.
Duane: It's a force beyond your control. You know what they say about love and war.
Tim: Yes. One involves a lot of physical and psychological pain, and the other is war.

[Tim and Duane are facing off with paintball guns]
Duane: See Tim, that's the difference between you and I. Organization. Careful thinking. Forward planning. And that is why I sleep in the arms of a beautiful woman and you spend your evenings alone in your bedsit. With cheap porn.
Tim: It's not a bedsit. It's a flat.
[Shoots Duane in the groin]

[Brian is literally wearing a painting]
Tim Bisley: You've got some paint on you.
Brian Topp: It's a literal tribute to the self-reflexivity of Rembrandt.
Tim Bisley: Did he like it?
Brian Topp: He's dead.
Tim Bisley: Bloody hell, that really backfired.

Tim: [Duane's phone rings] Aren't you gonna answer that?
Duane: I've got an answering service.
Tim: You've got an answer for everything!
Duane: I can't *believe* you just said that.

Brian: [enters, wearing a painting] Can I borrow a teabag?
Tim Bisley: [not looking at Brian] Only if you bring it back.
[sighs]
Tim Bisley: You can have a teabag, Brian, you can't borrow one.
[turns to look at him - pauses]
Tim Bisley: You've got some paint on you.

Daisy Steiner: I'm not sure if I should go casual or strappy. Something a bit glam. Reliable and frumpy, or stupid and glamorous?
Tim: Why don't you go something in between?
Daisy Steiner: Stupid and frumpy.
Tim: Save you getting ready.

Brian Topp: What are you playing?
Tim: Tomb Raider 3.
Brian Topp: She's drowning.
Tim: Yeah.
Brian Topp: Is that the point of the game?
Tim: It depends what mood you're in really.
Brian Topp: What sort of mood are you in then?
Tim: Well, I got a letter from my girlfriend this morning three months too late explaining why she dumped me. It was full of you'll always be special and I'll always love you platitudes designed to make me feel better while simultaneously appeasing her deep seeded sense of guilt for running off with a slimy little city boy named Duane and destroying my faith in everything in the world that is good and pure.
Brian Topp: So it didn't really work then.
Tim: No, it made me want to drown things!

Daisy Steiner: Do you want another cup of tea?
Tim Bisley: Ooh, no thanks, twelve's my limit.


"Spaced: Chaos (#1.5)" (1999)
Brian: Chaos Theory!
Tim: Eh?
Brian: The predictability of random events. The notion that reality as we know it, past, present and future is actually a mathematically predictable preordained system.
Daisy: So somewhere out their in the vastness of the unknown is an equation... for predicting the future!
Brian: An equation so complex as to utterly defy any possibility of comprehension by even the most brilliant human mind, but an equation nonetheless.
Tim: Oh my God!
Brian: What?
Tim: I've got some fucking Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket!

Bilbo Bagshot: I used to know this guy, Minty. He had a dog who he'd train to attack rich people. He was into the whole class-war thing. He called the dog Gramsci after an Italian Marxist. Rumor has it, it could smell wealth from up to 20 feet. The thing is, it all backfired. Minty won 100 grand on a scratchcard and Gramsci bit his knees off.
Tim: That's terrible.
Bilbo Bagshot: Not really. He used the money to buy new knees.

Daisy Steiner: If Richard phones tell him I'm out with Colin.
Bilbo Bagshot: Who's Richard?
Tim Bisley: Boyfriend.
Bilbo Bagshot: Your boyfriend?
Tim Bisley: Daisy's boyfriend.

Daisy: In the end, our relationship was just like a sandwich toaster. You know, you just forget you've got one. And it just sits there on the top of the cupboard collecting a layer of greasy fudge. And even if you do see it you just assume it's broken, you think if it's working I'd be using it all the time, but you don't and it just sits there. Then one day, you get an overwhelming desire for toasted sandwiches, you know? And you get it down and it works, and you can't believe it, you know? And then you make every kind of toasted sandwich there is, you have toasted sandwich parties. You make Marmite and cheese, chocolate and...
Tim: Pilchards.
Daisy: Banana and...
Bilbo Bagshot: Acorns.
Daisy: Acorns. And then as quickly as the desire comes, it just goes. And then you put the toaster sandwich maker away. And, you know what?
Tim: What?
Daisy: You don't miss it.
Bilbo Bagshot: So what you're saying is 'Don't hide the toasted sandwich maker away, use him regularly and you'll get the most out of him'.
Tim: No, she's saying 'Chuck your boyfriend, have a sandwich'.

Tim: Mike I'll see you here at 22.00 hours. Everybody else, I'll see you here at ten!

[Tim, Daisy and Brian have all just watched the original Star Wars trilogy]
Tim: Brian, did you notice that everything that transpired in those three films - and I *mean* everything - can be attributed to the actions of one very *minor* character?
Brian: Who?
Tim: The gunner on the Star Destroyer at the beginning of the first film.
Brian: How come?
Tim: [know-it-all] Well. Hmmhmmhmm. Because, if the gunner *had* shot the pod that C-3P0 and R2 were in, they wouldn't have got to Tatooine, they wouldn't have met Luke, Luke wouldn't have met Ben, they wouldn't have met Han and Chewie, they wouldn't have rescued Princess Leia. *None* of it would have happened.

Tim: I mean, it's a fact, sure as day follows night, sure as eggs is eggs, sure as every odd-numbered Star Trek movie is shit.

[Daisy and Brian are discussing the Chaos Theory]
Tim Bisley: Oh my God.
Daisy Steiner: What?
Tim Bisley: I've got some fucking Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket.
[They all cheer]
Tim Bisley: Oh Mama, oh Daddy, let's all play kabaddi!


"Spaced: Dissolution (#2.6)" (2001)
Mike: Don't forget whose shoulder you cried on when the last one dumped you.
Tim: I won't.
Mike: Or when Johnny Alpha got killed by that big flying monster in 2000 A.D.

[on Twist]
Tim: She's shallow, Brian. She's like Cordelia out of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," and latterly "Angel," the spin off series which is set in LA.
Brian: Don't know what you're talking about.
Tim: Brian, you're such a square!

Daisy Steiner: How are you feeling this morning?
Tim: Very rough, actually. I swear to God I will never drink again...until lunchtime.
Daisy Steiner: Very wise.
Tim: Mmm. So how does it feel to be twenty-six?
Daisy Steiner: Uh...a bit gas-y.
Tim: Oh, well, you're getting old. You'd be dead in four years. If this was "Logan's Run."
Daisy Steiner: Ah, that would be terrible.
Tim: I know. I look like a twat in a jumpsuit.
Daisy Steiner: Don't say that, Tim. That's a word that hates women.
Tim: What? "Twat"?
Daisy Steiner: No, "jumpsuit."
Tim: Oh.

Tim: Mike, you will always be my number one.
Mike: Then why are you treating me like a number two?

Mike: [to Sophie] If you hurt him, I'll kill you.
[Mike runs away]
Sophie: [to Tim] Did he mean that?
Tim: [laughs and hugs Sophie] Yeah.

Tim: Bitter, Mike?
Mike: No. Are you?
Tim: Would you like a pint of bitter, Mike?
Mike: Oh. Yeah.

[Tim, Daisy, Mike, and Brian are gathered outside the restaurant]
Tim: What are we going to do?
Mike: We could go clubbing.
Tim: I mean about Marsha, Mike! We've potentially destroyed her faith in the integrity of today's youth.
[the whole group looks at Tim quizzically]
Tim: [correcting himself] - young adults.
Daisy Steiner: We've got to pull together, or else we're going to lose everything.
Mike: Clubbing it is, then!


"Spaced: Ends (#1.7)" (1999)
Daisy Steiner: I do want to go to Asia! I do want to see the Taj Mahal! The difference is, the Taj Mahal didn't sleep with it's boss and break my heart!
Tim Bisley: Yeah, well... it might if you go to Asia!

[Tim guesses he may move back in with Sarah]
Daisy Steiner: What do you mean you have a funny feeling?
Tim: I can read her like a book
Daisy Steiner: Never judge a book by it's cover
Tim: He who dares wins
Daisy Steiner: Look before you leap
Tim: Do YOU believe in life after love?
Daisy Steiner: That's a song
Tim: Shit.

[Tim is sitting in the pub, writing a poem while waiting for Sarah]
Tim Bisley: I've held you in my arms a thousand times / Closed my eyes and known we would always be together / I smiled at you through all your many lies / And knowing and thinking that eternity would be never / As distance dulls the memory and bitter history grows hazy / I realise my one true love is in fact a girl called... "

Tim: It's like when you have an orgasm on your own. Lyin there watching some porn movie you bought on a drunken, lonly night in SoHo. And you're lyin there, everything is really great. You're getting totally turned on by these absurdly graphic images. Everything seems so right, then Ppett. Bingo! You wake up. You're lyin there sweatin, despreatly lookin for the tissue, which you just know is still in your pocket. And the remote control which is somewhere on the floor. It's like walkin in on yourself. You know, 'What you doing?' That's how I felt tonight. Sitting here, feeling my heart miss a beat everytime the door opened. What the fuck are you doing.

Daisy Steiner: Do you really watch porn in the flat?
Tim Bisley: Uh... only when you're out. Sometimes while you're asleep in the bean bag.
Daisy Steiner: Can I borrow some?
Tim Bisley: Uh... Yeah.

Tim: Life just isn't like the movies is it? We're constantly led to believe in resolution in the establishment of the ideal status qua, and it's just not true. Happy endings are a myth. Designed to make us feel better about the fact that life is just another thankless struggle.

[Mike is going into a job interview]
Tim Bisley: Just... give it your best shot, OK?
Mike Watt: Can't you come in with me?
Tim Bisley: I'm not your dad, Mike!
[beat]
Tim Bisley: Here's your sandwiches. I'll pick you up at five.


"Spaced: Change (#2.2)" (2001)
Bilbo Bagshot: The Phantom Menace was 18 months ago, Tim!
Tim: I know, Bilbo, OK? It just... it still hurts! That kid wanted a Jar Jar doll!
Bilbo Bagshot: Kids like Jar Jar!
Tim: Why?
Bilbo Bagshot: What about the Ewoks? They were rubbish! You don't complain about them!
Tim: Yeah, but Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like... fucking Shaft!

Bilbo Bagshot: I was like you once. Blond hair. Scraggly little beard. Childlike ears. Full of beans and spunk. I let my principles get in the way sometimes. I punched a bloke in the face once for saying "Hawk the Slayer" was rubbish.
Tim Bisley: Good for you.
Bilbo Bagshot: Yeah, thanks. But that's not the point, Tim. The point is I was defending the fantasy genre with terminal intensity, when what I should have said is "Dad, you're right, but let's give Krull a try and we'll discuss it later."

[as they all wake up, suddenly]
Daisy Steiner: I'm sorry!
Mike: I'm hit!
Brian: I'm blind!
Tim: Buffy!

Bilbo Bagshot: Will you come back?
Tim Bisley: Well, I like it here, Bilbo. What makes you think I want to come back?
Bilbo Bagshot: This.
[Bilbo gets out an answering machine and presses play]
Tim Bisley: [on machine; sobbing] Bilbo, this is Tim. Please can I come back? I don't like it here!
[Bilbo switches it off]
Tim Bisley: You got that, did you?
Bilbo Bagshot: Tim, I would have come in anyway. The place is just not the same without you there.
Tim Bisley: [smiles] I'm already there.
Bilbo Bagshot: [suddenly worried] What?
Tim Bisley: I mean I'll come back.
[pause]
Bilbo Bagshot: Oh! Yeah, you frightened me for a bit there.
Tim Bisley: I'll have to give my notice here, though.
Bilbo Bagshot: Can't you just get fired?
[Tim thinks for a second then nods, gives Bilbo the "hang on a second" gesture with his fingers and turns to Derek who is coming back in with two mugs of tea]
Tim Bisley: Derek... Babylon 5's a big pile of shit!
Derek: [annoyed] Get out!
Tim Bisley, Bilbo Bagshot: [throwing their hands in the air] Yaaaaay!

[In the comics shop, Tim is shouting at a little boy for wanting to buy Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace merchandise]
Tim Bisley: You are so blind! You so do not understand! You weren't there at the beginning! You don't know how good it was, how important! This is it for you! This jumped-up firework display of a toy advert! People like you make me sick! What's wrong with you? Now, I don't care if you've saved up all your 50p's, take your pocket money and get out!
[the little boy runs out, crying]
Tim Bisley: What a prick.

Bilbo Bagshot: Look Tim, I'm sorry I sacked you, it was a mistake.
Tim Bisley: Oh what, things not working out with the new guy?
Bilbo Bagshot: You could say that.
[cut to Bilbo's shop]
Tim's Replacement: Hawk the Slayer's rubbish!
[Bilbo angrily throws his comic down and punches him out]


"Spaced: Epiphanies (#1.6)" (1999)
Tim: [on the phone] What you doing playing army on a Sunday morning, you're missing Grange Hill.
Mike: [on the other end of the phone] The TA is no game, Tim.
Tim: It isn't the TA, Mike, it's the Rough Ramblers.
Mike: You're a civilian, you don't understand. You're thinking, "It's Sunday I'd rather be in bed."
Tim: And you're thinking, "It's Sunday, I'd rather be in Apocalypse Now."

Twist: Where's Brian?
Daisy: Yeah, Tim, where's Brian?
Tim: Up his own arse.
Twist: You don't like him?
Tim: I do like him, I'm just not sure why.

Brian: I'm working, Tim. Working. Do you understand?
Tim: No, sorry. Got me there.
Brian: Trying to... avoid... clichés... by not actually placing my brush on the canvas.
Tim: Wow. Right.
Brian: I'm using my penis.
Tim: Finally.
Brian: Do you want to see?
Tim: No, I'm just about to have my tea.

Tyres: [speaks very fast with a Northern Irish accent] Is it OK if I bring the bike in? It's just I've seen your landlady's curtains twitching, she's got the look of a bike thief about her.
Tim: What, aging female divorcee? What's she going to do, sell it to buy Jacob's Creek?
Tyres: Don't get sarky with me, mate! That bike's my living. Not like you, pretending to be some struggling cartoonist, poncing off the state while decent taxpayers like me fund your drink problem. I wouldn't mind so much, but you seem to be having such a shit time.

Tyres: I can't get me head around this platonic inter-gender relationship malarkey, it just doesn't seem right to me. Don't get me wrong like, I don't mind having a chin-wag with a honey, but I just like to do it after a waggle on her chin, you know what I mean?
Tim: [laughs] Yeah.
Daisy: [slightly offended] You like to waggle your willy on her chin?
Tyres: Don't come your post-feminist, art school bollocks with me, Sunflower, if that's your real frigging name! All right? I work for a living, what do you do?
Daisy: I write, actually.
Tyres: Oh, do you? In other words, you're on the dole.

[Tim and Daisy are listening to Marsha and her teenage daughter Amber having a row above them]
Daisy: [voiceover] Oh, I feel for Amber.
[cutaway - Daisy imagines a moody teenage girl writing "I HATE YOU" on a mirror in lipstick as grunge music plays]
Tim: [voiceover] I feel for Amber.
[Tim's voiceover does a dirty laugh as, cutaway - he imagines a nymphet in a slutty school uniform dancing to 'Because We Want To' by Billie Piper]


"Spaced: Back (#2.1)" (2001)
Daisy: So how are you, you big bloody man?
Tim: I'm good, I'm good. Just, had a few things to sort out.
Daisy: With Sarah?
Tim: No, with George Lucas.
Daisy: Tim, it's been over a year.
Tim: It's been 18 months, Daisy. And it still hurts.
Daisy: Well, I didn't think The Phantom Menace was *that* bad.

Tim: Gerroff me, you bummer.

[after the showdown in the pub]
Daisy: That just happened, didn't it?
Tim: Uh...Yeah.

[Tim, Mike, and Daisy walk into her flat to find the two ominous Agents sitting at her kitchen table]
Agent: Welcome home, Ms. Steiner.
Brian Topp: They, er, arrived just before you did.
Tim: You Lando!


"Spaced: Help (#2.4)" (2001)
Tim Bisley: You ready, Mike?
Mike Watt: I was born ready, Timmy.
Tim Bisley: Yeah, but are you ready now?
Mike Watt: Uhh... yeah.

Tim: What's the hold up?
Mike: There been an accident. Someone got hurt.
Tim: Who?
Mike: A lady.
Tim: How d'you know?
Mike: Because we hit her.
Tim: Did we?
Mike: Yeah. That's her there.
Tim: Ah.

Tim Bisley: You got anything special planned for today?
Daisy Steiner: I have got a bit of a project, actually. I'm going to be as inactive as I can in order to really get into the psyche of someone unemployed, not just vocationally but cerebrally, to see if the predicament of enforced passivity exacerbates itself. You know, does inactivity breed laziness?
Tim Bisley: Are you going to write an article about it?
Daisy Steiner: No, I can't be bothered.


"Spaced: Mettle (#2.3)" (2001)
Tim: I think we should lose the axe.
Mike Watt: I like the axe.
Tim: I like my *face*.
Mike Watt: *I* like your face.
Tim: Let's keep the axe.

Daisy: [on Tim and Mike's robot] What does "T.F.U" stand for?
Tim: Uh... The Fuckest Upest.

Tim Bisley: I think we should lose the axe...
Mike Watt: I like the axe.
Tim Bisley: I like my face!
Mike Watt: I like your face...
Tim Bisley: ...Let's keep the axe.


"Spaced: Gone (#2.5)" (2001)
Tim: No hard feelings.
Duane: You shot me in the bollocks.
Tim: Like I said, no hard feelings.

Tim: [groans] Oh... what?
Romford Thug Leader: You KNOW what.
Tim: Is it because I sang the Kia-Ora advert?
Daisy: Oh I remember that "It's too orangey for crows"