Charlie Kelly
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Quotes for
Charlie Kelly (Character)
from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (2005)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass (#2.9)" (2006)
Charlie Kelly: You know what? Let me kick down a little thing to you that our Founding Fathers kicked down to me. It goes, "Don't. Tread. On me," and right now, you guys are TREADING ALL OVER ME.

Charlie Kelly: Hey Ry, how you feeling? Hey, look man, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but if your not too busy showering in your brother's urine or plotting your revenge against me, would you mind lighting my cigarette?
[Charlie laughs]
Charlie Kelly: Thanks, bro! Hey Liam, I'm sorry I sent you to jail, man. But any time you want to stab me would be great for me!
[Liam stabs him with a fork]
Charlie Kelly: Ahhh! Ohh!
Liam McPoyle: That's what you get, Charlie! You get fork stabbed!

Charlie Kelly: [Charlie's America Song] I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass, Gonna kick some ass in the USA, Gonna climb a mountain, Gonna sew a flag, Gonna fly on an Eagle, I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, Gonna kick some ass, Gonna rise up, Kick a little ass, ROCK, FLAG AND EAGLE!

Charlie Kelly: I'm a patriot. You've gotta give me that.

Charlie Kelly: Okay, I just killed three very large rats that were stuck in glue traps.
Dennis Reynolds: Good work.
Charlie Kelly: No. No, no, that's not good work. I am done with rat detail. That's by far the worst job in the bar.
Dennis Reynolds: That's why we call it Charlie Work.

Dennis Reynolds: If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.
Charlie Kelly: I *work* in this bar. I work here.
Dennis Reynolds: But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here, okay? Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom, they strip it away from smokers
Frank Reynolds: Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
Dee Reynolds: You went to Vietnam in *1993* to open up a sweatshop!
Frank Reynolds: And a lot of good men died in that sweatshop.

Dennis Reynolds: If Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
Charlie Kelly: You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution, man.
Mac: Uh, he knows more than you two un-American freedom haters.
Dennis Reynolds: Thank you.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Eww, we hate it.
Dennis Reynolds: You hate it.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, *I'm* un-American?
Frank Reynolds: You're practically a Viet Cong.

Charlie Kelly: You wanna talk America? You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let's roll out of here.
Dee Reynolds: Where are we going?
Charlie Kelly: We're gonna go America all over their asses!

Charlie Kelly: Attica!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Exploits a Miracle (#2.7)" (2006)
Charlie Kelly: I've got a confession: I'm in love with a man. "What?" I'm in love with a man. A man called God. Does that make me gay? Am I "gay for God"? You betcha.

Frank Reynolds: [after a water stain that resembles the Virgin Mary is found in the back room, and the gang is arguing about if it's a miracle] Alright! Listen! It could be a miracle... or it could be bullshit! But we know one thing's for sure...
Charlie Kelly: What's that?
Frank Reynolds: It's a goddamn gold-mine!

Charlie Kelly: Trust in God, he'll give you shoes!

Charlie Kelly: I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out.

Mac: Let's go toe to toe on the bible, bitch.
Charlie Kelly: Ask and ye shall receive, sucka.

Charlie Kelly: I'm in love with a man. What? That's right. I'm in love with a man named "God". Does that make me gay? Gay for God? You betcha!"

Charlie Kelly: Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.

Charlie Kelly: I'm in love with a man... a man called God.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Nightman Cometh (#4.13)" (2008)
Charlie Kelly: Keep singing, bitch. You're not gonna have a face by the time I'm done with you!

Charlie Kelly: Come one, come all, to a beautiful show! It's gonna be awesome and... some other stuff. Dee dee dee dee doo dee dee dee doo dee dee doo dee. Heh heh. Some other musical stuff!

Charlie Kelly: She also transcribed my work into a format you might consider a little bit more legible.
Dee Reynolds: Or literate. She added words to it.

Dee Reynolds: Charlie, don't screw me like this. Come on.
Charlie Kelly: Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee, let me try and remember something. Let's see, was it, did Dee write a musical and come to Charlie with it? No! Charlie wrote a musical and came to Dee with it, and the gang. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves, and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams. So let me tell you something, Dee, let me break down a scenario for you. I could cut the song, okay, because I wrote it. I could have Artemis do the song, okay, because you did not write it. Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself. So you tell me, Little Miss All That, what do you want to do? Song or no song?

Dennis Reynolds: Charlie, I got a question for you. Who's playing this Lead Boy?
Charlie Kelly: That's gonna be Mac.
Mac: What? Oh, yeah! Lead, of course.
Dennis Reynolds: Who's playing the Dayman?
Charlie Kelly: Well, the Lead Boy becomes the Dayman when he defeats the Nightman, so it's also Mac.
Mac: Two parts? Oh, yeah!

Mac: I've changed my mind, I'm playing the Nightman!
Dennis Reynolds: Why would you wanna play the Nightman?
Mac: The Nightman's badass, dude. He has the eyes of a cat and does karate across the stage.
Charlie Kelly: Where are you getting that from? Karate?
Mac: I made that up, man. It's gonna be great.
Dennis Reynolds: This is great. That frees up the Lead Boy role and the Dayman role. I can play both those.
Charlie Kelly: No, I don't want you guys switching roles. That's not how it works.
Mac: Hey Frank, you got a guy that does cat eyes?
Frank Reynolds: [on phone] I'm already on it.

Mac: You want me to cross the stage?
Charlie Kelly: Yes.
Mac: [starts doing karate] All right. This is a great opportunity to showcase some skills and, like, just put on a clinic.
Charlie Kelly: I would rather you didn't.

Dee Reynolds: Real quickly, okay, just a couple of things. I can't really move my arms in this thing so I think I need to rip the pit.
Charlie Kelly: It is a rental. Do not rip that costume, okay? It's very expensive.
Dee Reynolds: All right, fine, but one other thing. I wrote a song, I'm gonna throw it in.
Charlie Kelly: I swear to God, you cannot add a song.
Dee Reynolds: It's gonna happen.
Charlie Kelly: I will smack your face off of your face!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Whacked: Part 1 (#3.12)" (2007)
Charlie Kelly: Absolutely, I hear you! We're saying we're gonna do the drugs and then we're gonna try and fix all the lights...
Dennis Reynolds: That's asinine!

Charlie Kelly: Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money.
Dee Reynolds: What?
Charlie Kelly: Yes, I did!
Dee Reynolds: No, you didn't!
Charlie Kelly: I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?
Dee Reynolds: He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.

Charlie Kelly: It's a one-time flip. We'll go to your - that shady guy, Bingo, that you know. We'll say, "Here's a pile of drugs. Give us some money." And then...
Frank Reynolds: Uh-huh. Oh, no, no, no. You don't go to Bingo. Bingo is my contact.

Dennis Reynolds: Oh my God, we are so screwed. How are we going to get $25,000 by Friday?
Frank Reynolds: Don't look at me. You made this bed; you're sleeping in it. This is a life lesson for you.
Dennis Reynolds: Frank, this is not the time to be throwing down life lessons, alright? We are going to get whacked off by a bunch of scary Italian guys.
Charlie Kelly: Did they say they were going to whack us off?
Dennis Reynolds: They implied they wanted to whack us all off!
Dee Reynolds: Nobody's gonna get whacked off today, okay? Listen: we're gonna take the money, we'll go get our drugs back from Bingo, we'll give it to the mob, and we'll pretend none of this ever happened.

Charlie Kelly: Hey, Bingo. Frank sent us.
Bingo: Frank, huh? I'm gonna skin that son of a bitch and wear his face.

Dee Reynolds: [drops a bag of Oxycontin on the pool table] Boom.
Frank Reynolds: What am I supposed to do with that?
Mac: You tell us.
Charlie Kelly: Bingo told us you know how to sell those drugs.
Frank Reynolds: I told you not to involve me in that! Did you mention my name?
Dennis Reynolds: First thing we did.
Dee Reynolds: You gonna harp on it all day?
Frank Reynolds: Goddammit! The guy's gonna skin me alive.
Charlie Kelly: He is gonna skin you alive.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, he mentioned something about it.
Dennis Reynolds: Will you just pay the mob off so we don't have to sell these pills?
Frank Reynolds: Dennis, I am not using any more of my money!
Dennis Reynolds: The mob is gonna kill us, man!
Frank Reynolds: Look, if I cave on this, I'm gonna be bailing you guys out for the rest of my life. I'm putting my foot down on this one. You bitches gotta earn your own money!

Mac: Frank, you are gonna get us into that country club you used to belong to and we're gonna sell the pills there.
Dennis Reynolds: That'd be a good place to sell those pills.
Mac: Yes, thank you very much.
Frank Reynolds: You can't make no $25,000 from that amount of pills. How long you got?
Mac: 'til Friday.
Frank Reynolds: Mm-mmm. You're gonna have to turn a trick or two; go into prostitution.
Dee Reynolds: You are disgusting! How could you suggest - I am absolutely not doing that!
Frank Reynolds: I wasn't talking about you. Guys at those country clubs get hotter broads than you.
Dennis Reynolds: I would think, yeah.
Mac: Yeah.
Frank Reynolds: I was saying the male escort is really hard to come by.
Charlie Kelly: I'm picking up what you're putting down. I'll do it.
Frank Reynolds: Eh, Charlie, you're not quite cut from the right cloth.
Mac: Okay. Make it me.
Frank Reynolds: Mac, you're too low class. All those women are gonna thing they're gonna catch somethin' from you.
Mac: They are.
Dennis Reynolds: They will.
Frank Reynolds: I was thinking about Dennis.
Dennis Reynolds: Right. Now, Frank, will any of these women be attractive in any way?
Frank Reynolds: Probably not.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom (#2.4)" (2006)
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, listen. Here's the deal. Uh, I'm gonna bang her tonight, probably around 10:30 or so. Now, I really don't wanna do that. So all you have to do to stop me is call my cell phone, by 10:30, and say "Dennis, you don't have to do Charlie Work anymore".
Charlie Kelly: You're not gonna get away with this.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh yeah, I will. I'll get away with it. 10:30, okay?
[Dennis opens door]
Dennis Reynolds: [whispers] 10:30.
Charlie Kelly: [after Dennis leaves] Gonna blackmail me? You gonna blackmail me, Dennis Reynolds?
[Charlie angrily smashes his house of cards]

Dee Reynolds: I want my job back.
Charlie Kelly: And you shall have it. Oh, Dee. It looks like we both need things from each other.
Dee Reynolds: I am not having sex with you, Charlie.
Charlie Kelly: No. It's not sex I want from you. It's sex I don't want from Dennis.

Charlie Kelly: [to Dennis, while singing] I know something you don't know.

Mac: Charlie, I have a real dilemma on my hands. Now, normally I would never talk to you about these things because you're so incredibly unreliable, but Dennis, Dee, and Frank are all directly involved in this and I gotta tell somebody man, I am bustin'! Okay... Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me!
Charlie Kelly: Interesting...
Mac: Yeah, man! She got naked, she came on to me, I mean that woman is straight crazy but I think I wanna bang her, man! I know I shouldn't do it, it's...
Charlie Kelly: I think you should do it!
Mac: ...What?
Charlie Kelly: Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime, right?
Mac: Right!
Charlie Kelly: And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.
Mac: Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But, it's Dennis and Dee's mom.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, well that means that no one ever, ever's gonna find out.
Mac: That doesn't make any sense.
Charlie Kelly: It doesn't have to make sense.
Mac: You're right, I'm gonna do it!
[they both laugh maniacally]

Charlie Kelly: THIS ISN'T OVER UNTIL I SAY IT'S OVER!

Charlie Kelly: [looking at calculator] What... are... you?

Waitress: No, I'm not going to ask you inside, Dennis.
Dennis Reynolds: Why not?
Waitress: Because... I really... like you.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, yeah, I mean... I really like you, too...
Waitress: Then let's just take it slow, okay?
Dennis Reynolds: Wait, wait... Uh... I... love... you...
Waitress: ...Ha! I... I kinda don't know what to say!
Dennis Reynolds: I kinda don't want you to say anything.
[the Waitress leans in for a kiss. Dennis' phone rings]
Dennis Reynolds: Hold that thought.
[turns away, takes call]
Dennis Reynolds: Yo.
Charlie Kelly: I'm ready to talk.
Dennis Reynolds: Cuttin' it pretty close there, pal. I almost sealed the deal.
Charlie Kelly: Just meet me at Paddy's and we'll work it all out.
[hangs up, Dennis turns back to the Waitress]
Waitress: Heh, sorry about that. I feel like maybe I was being a little judgmental.
Dennis Reynolds: You're good! Haha.
Waitress: Haha, okay. Well let's go.
Dennis Reynolds: No. Uh, you were right, I sh... I'm gonna go. Yeah. I'm gonna go now, we should take it slow - you were right.
Waitress: Really? Because I... don't... need to now...
Dennis Reynolds: [starts walking away] I think it's good, I think it's real good.
Waitress: Call me!
Dennis Reynolds: Ahahahaha!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Waitress Is Getting Married (#5.5)" (2009)
Charlie Kelly: I'll tell you what, let me pop a quick 'H' on the box.
[draws H on box]
Charlie Kelly: This way we'll all know it's full of hornets.
Dennis Reynolds: Do what you gotta do.

Charlie Kelly: I'm gonna want the milk steak, boiled over hard, and a side of your finest jelly beans, raw.

Mac: How much cheese have you eaten today?
Charlie Kelly: How much cheese is too much cheese?
Dennis Reynolds: Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!

Jackie: What is it that you do again?
Charlie Kelly: I'm like a janitor at- um, I'm a... full-on rapist, you know? Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sorta thing.

Dennis Reynolds: As I tried to explain before, you cannot get honey from a hornet's nest.
Charlie Kelly: I just don't think there's any science to support that, buddy.
Dennis Reynolds: There's some very basic science out there supporting that.

Charlie Kelly: But I am who I am.
Mac: Yeah, but let's pretend you're not like who you are and just try to attract a woman.

Dennis Reynolds: Let's talk about your likes and dislikes. Um, how 'bout your favorite food, what would that be?
Charlie Kelly: Oh, milk steak.
Dennis Reynolds: Hm, what?
Charlie Kelly: Milk steak.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not putting milk steak!
Mac: Just put steak, just put regular steak...
Dennis Reynolds: I'm gonna put steak.
Charlie Kelly: Don't put steak, put milk steak. She'll know what it is.
Dennis Reynolds: No, she won't know what it is, Charlie. Nobody knows what that is. Okay, alright, what's your favorite hobby?
Charlie Kelly: Uh, magnets.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, wha- like making magnets, collecting magnets?
Mac: Playing with magnets?
Charlie Kelly: Just magnets.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm gonna put snowboarding. We'll put snowboarding. Alright, what are some of your likes?
Charlie Kelly: Uh, ghouls.
Mac: Son of a bitch. What are you talking about now?
Charlie Kelly: You know, funny little green ghouls.
Dennis Reynolds: What, like in movies? In cartoons?
Charlie Kelly: Little green ghouls, buddy!
Mac: Don't write ghouls!
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not, I'm putting travel! Jesus Christ! What are your dislikes?
Charlie Kelly: People's knees.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, come on! Dude, come on! We'll make the whole thing up, let's get outta here. We're not even gonna use you.
Mac: Bro, you've gotta be kidding. You know what, we'll just make it all up.
Charlie Kelly: Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere...


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention (#5.4)" (2009)
Dennis Reynolds: We're caring people. That's our nature.
Tabitha: Um, what's Frank struggling with the most right now?
Dee Reynolds: Ooh, he is trying to bang our aunt.
Dennis Reynolds: That's the big one.
Tabitha: These things deal more with drug and alchohol abuse.
Dennis Reynolds: Drugs and alcohol are rolled into what we're talking about here.
Tabitha: So he does have a drinking problem.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, big time!
Dee Reynolds: Oh, lady.

Dee Reynolds: So how do we go about doing this? We ambush him, and just sorta barate him into being the guy we wanna be around?
Tabitha: No, you certainly don't barate him. He needs to know your coming from a place of love and concern.
Dennis Reynolds: Too soft. I think we should come at him with an iron fist and crush him into submission.
Charlie Kelly: Right, right, and you know what, if we're taking that approch you might want to be armed at this intervention.
Tabitha: Why-why would I need to be armed?
Charlie Kelly: Well, Frank's usually carrying like a little gun around with him and he doesn't really hesitate to use it.
Dennis Reynolds: And you know what? Have the gun out and ready to rock.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, in fact we can all have- we'll all have guns.
Dee Reynolds: It's just safer.
Charlie Kelly: You know what, if we maybe ambush Frank with a net or some kind of like rope device, the gun will maybe drop out of his waist.
Dee Reynolds: You want to bring him in a net?
Dennis Reynolds: That could get awkward. I say bring a gun.
Dee Reynolds: Just bring the gun.
Charlie Kelly: I don't want to get shot so just bring a gun, will ya?

Charlie Kelly: Why do we never play Night Crawlers anymore, huh?

Dee Reynolds: What is "Night Crawlers"?
Dennis Reynolds: It's a game where they crawl around in the night like worms.
Charlie Kelly: I never said that.
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, well that's what it is.

Tabitha: You know, I do offer group therapy.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah...
Dennis Reynolds: What are you doing?
Dee Reynolds: What is this you're doing?
Dennis Reynolds: What is that? What is that?
Tabitha: With all due respect, you're talking about bringing guns to an intervention, and you're drinking wine out of a soda can.
Dee Reynolds: [smiling] Yeah.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, you put wine in the soda can? That's good.
Dee Reynolds: You didn't know, did you? Soda.
Charlie Kelly: You stole Frank's idea.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, yeah, actually it's a pretty good one.
Charlie Kelly: It's a good idea. I mean, the guy's got great ideas.
Dee Reynolds: He's a smart man. That's not what we're here about.
Charlie Kelly: But I do feel like she just tried an intervention on us.
Dennis Reynolds: Did you intervene on us? Is that what that was? You know what I'm feeling? I'm feeling like you've lost control of the room here and, really, we're the ones that are running things now.
Dee Reynolds: I've lost my trust in you. I feel like we can do this on our own.
Dennis Reynolds: I think we can do the intervention on our own without her.
Charlie Kelly: You guys think?
Dee Reynolds: Why not?
Charlie Kelly: All right, might as well give it a shot.
Dennis Reynolds: Let's just do that.
Dee Reynolds: Thank you.
Charlie Kelly: Thanks for your help. You did your best. Uh, no hard feelings. I'm gonna grab some of this literature too.
Dennis Reynolds: She didn't do that great of a job.
Charlie Kelly: No, I mean, don't beat her while she's down, man.

Frank Reynolds: Intervention. Intervention. You banged my dead wife?
Mac: Well, she was alive at the time. But... Did you not know that?
Frank Reynolds: No.
Charlie Kelly: It's cool, man. It's cool. Intervention. Intervention, okay? Look, he's got a weird, um, fetish for older women, so don't hold it against him.
Mac: I don't have an older-woman fetish.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, you do.
Mac: I don't wanna bang this chick.
[points to Tabitha]


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Racist (#1.1)" (2005)
Charlie Kelly: Domino, biatch!

Charlie Kelly: Dude, it's not so much that they don't like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? 'Cause you're an asshole!
Mac: [to Dee] Is that true?
Dee Reynolds: ...Yeah, kinda.

[the waitress overhears Charlie saying something racist]
Waitress: Coffee, Hitler? I'll be sure to put lots of cream in that for you.
Charlie Kelly: No, I'm not Adolf Hitler.

Mac: "Looking for a new hotspot to spot that stud? Well, Paddy's Irish Pub will plug that hole."
Charlie Kelly: Well, that's a good notice.
Mac: No, that is not a good notice. I don't want to be plugging anyone's holes.

Mac: [to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this?
[all look over at Dennis]
Dennis Reynolds: [gayly] ... boys are out tonight, huh?
Mac: This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?
Charlie Kelly: Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!

Mac: Look, everybody! Sweet Dee's here!
Dee Reynolds: Hey, everybody!
Charlie Kelly: Whoa, whoa! What are you doing here?
Janell: Charlie?
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, whoa, what is going on here? You guys know each other?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, that's the crazy bitch that punched me in my eye!
Terrell: Charlie! That's my sister!
Mac: Now, just to clarify, when you say sister, you mean...
Terrell: I mean my sister.
Mac: Yeah! Okay! This is great because earlier, you were implying that I was racist because you thought that I was implying that all black people are related, and then it turns out that you people actually are!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition (#4.12)" (2008)
Mac: Now, this is smart. The first step to becoming an American, get a credit card.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh yeah, man, we need this guy to build up copious amounts of debt. That's the best way for him to build up his credit. We're doing him a favor here.
Charlie Kelly: We're doing him a huge favor! And do you realize how extreme this is to go from no debt to good ol' fashioned American debt? That's the way to do it. Plus, I've been envisioning someone else paying for this thing the entire time.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm also envisioning him unloading all the shit into the car.

Charlie Kelly: GOOD MORNING, JUAREZ FAMILY!

Dennis Reynolds: [wearing high cut jean shorts] Check this out.
[stretches his legs apart]
Charlie Kelly: Go, go, go. Whoa! Any more?
Dennis Reynolds: That's it, but that's pretty wide, right?
Charlie Kelly: That is good, you know? And you're not getting any high ride.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm getting a high ride, but the shorts aren't preventing me from doing what I need to do.
Charlie Kelly: And that's the shorts.
Dennis Reynolds: That's exactly right, man. See, your shorts, they're holding you back, man. Well, that and your hips. But I gotta tell ya, the shorts aren't helping.

Dennis Reynolds: Mac, why don't you get started on the family makeover with Dee.
Mac: Family makeover with Dee? No, I wanna be a part of the renovation team.
Dennis Reynolds: I know you do, but the thing is...
Charlie Kelly: You get so excited about the smashing and then you make it competitive.
Dennis Reynolds: You turn it into a competition.
Mac: That's bullshit, 'cause I'm a better smasher than you guys! I should be on the head of the smashing team! You wanna have a smash-off?

Charlie Kelly: So, we got ourselves a little Mexican girl here and I'm thinking, well, what does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world?
Dennis Reynolds: Mmm, tacos.
Charlie Kelly: Tacos, buddy! So, why not make for her a taco bed? You know what I mean?
Dennis Reynolds: Okay!
Charlie Kelly: She gets to, like, be in a taco every day. So, okay, I got yellow sheets. That's cheese. Green, guacamole. A red little pillow for salsa. And I got these cute little brown pjs so that she gets to feel like ground meat while she's sleeping.
Dennis Reynolds: Ah, she's the ground meat in the middle.
Charlie Kelly: She's the ground meat in the middle!

Dennis Reynolds: You know what? Just... Get me the flamethrower. I'm so sick of this wall. I want to burn it up now!
Charlie Kelly: Okay, it's time. Okay, there's also a fire extinguisher too.
Dennis Reynolds: Great.
Charlie Kelly: I think we should use this, man.
Dennis Reynolds: I think we should too. So here's how this is gonna go down: I will light a fire on the wall. Charlie, have that extinguisher ready 'cause I don't want the fire to spread past the parameters of this wall.
Charlie Kelly: I will create a parameter with the fire extinguisher.
Dennis Reynolds: The only safe way to do this, okay?
Charlie Kelly: It'll be perfectly safe.
Dennis Reynolds: Then once the wall's all weakened from the burned-up fires, then we're gonna kick it to pieces, smash it to bits, and take the rubble outside and burn that too.
Charlie Kelly: Burn that too, and then I'll put it out with this. All right, perfect. And then I'll get started on my taco bed.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person (#3.9)" (2007)
Charlie Kelly: [singing with his band] Night Man, sneaky and mean / Spider inside my dreams / I think I love you / You make me want to cry / You make me want to die / I love you / I love you / I love you / I love you / I love you Night Man / Every night you come into my room and pin me down / With your strong arms you pin me down / And I try to fight you / You come inside me / And fill me up and I become the...
Mac: [cuts him off] Whoa whoa, Charlie. Okay the first part of that song was kinda cool but what's up with the second part?
Charlie Kelly: Well it's about the Night Man and how he comes inside me and I like become him, you know I become the spirit of the Night Man
Mac: Yeah? Cause it sounds like a song where a guy breaks into your house and rapes you!
Charlie Kelly: What? No. Where are you getting that from? Here' let me play the rest
[starts singing again]
Charlie Kelly: It's just two men sharing the night/ It might seem wrong but it's just right/ It's just two men sharing each other/ It's just two men like loving brothers/ One on top and one on bottom/ One is inside and one is out/ One is screaming he's so happy/ The other's screaming a passionate shout/ It's the Night Man/ The feeling so wrong and right man/ The feeling so wrong and... / I can't fight you Night Man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the niiiiiiight/ The passionate, passionate Night Man!

Charlie Kelly: What is going on up here?
[points to his head and laughs]
Dennis Reynolds: I never know, man.
Charlie Kelly: Daylight.
[pointing to a bright window]
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, I like that.
[pointing to Charlie's keyboard beat]
Charlie Kelly: Day, Day-man.
Dennis Reynolds: Dayman?
Charlie Kelly: Fighter of the Night Man, Champion of the...
Dennis Reynolds: Sun.
Charlie Kelly: Sun! You're a master of karate...
Dennis Reynolds: And friendship, for everyone.

Charlie Kelly: [singing] They took you Night Man and you don't belong to them. They left me in a world of darkness without your sexy hands and I miss you, Night Man... so bad.

Dennis Reynolds: What's with the uh, curtains?
Charlie Kelly: I'm living in a world of darkness.
Dennis Reynolds: Right. Let's get some light in here.
[pulls down curtains and sees Charlie with silver spray paint around his nose and mouth from huffing]
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man?
Charlie Kelly: Uhh, what's with your outfit, man?
Dennis Reynolds: Why don't we put the curtains back up?
Charlie Kelly: No, no. What is going on up here?
[points to his head]
Dennis Reynolds: I never know, man.
Charlie Kelly: [starts a beat with his electric piano] Daylight...
[points to windows]
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, I like that.
Charlie Kelly: Day-Dayman.
Dennis Reynolds: Dayman.
Charlie Kelly: Fighter of the Nightman. Champion of the... sun. You're a master of karate...
Dennis Reynolds: ...and friendship, for everyone.
Charlie Kelly: Dayman, that's it!
Dennis Reynolds: Dayman, ahh-ahh-ahh!
Charlie Kelly: ...Fighter of the Nightman.
Dennis Reynolds: Ahh-ahh-ahh.
Dennis Reynolds, Charlie Kelly: Champion of the sun. Ahh-ahh-ahh. You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone! Dayman.

Charlie Kelly: Whoa dude, what are you doing? That's my good chair!
Mac: Charlie, it's covered in bird shit.
Charlie Kelly: No... it's toothpaste.
Mac: It's clearly bird shit.
Charlie Kelly: No, it's not. It's toothpaste.
Mac: Do you even own a toothbrush?

Charlie Kelly: Hey, Dee, does that guy have, like, a... like, a little hand?
Mac: Charlie, I was gonna say his foot looks small.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Dances Their Asses Off (#3.15)" (2007)
[about the dance 'contest']
Dee Reynolds: Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie Kelly: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee Reynolds: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank Reynolds: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie Kelly: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Dee Reynolds: [about the dance 'contest'] Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie Kelly: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee Reynolds: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank Reynolds: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie Kelly: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Charlie Kelly: [Rickety Cricket, with a set of high-tech new leg braces, just challenged Mac to a danceoff] You know he's not gonna go down easy.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh no way, dude. He's fueled by vengeance and reinforced with space-age technology.

Charlie Kelly: Bro, I can handle my sedatives.

Charlie Kelly: DJ Fat Michael?
Fat Michael: Yo!
Charlie Kelly: Squirrely D?
DJ Squirrely D: My man!
Charlie Kelly: Can you please play my tape for a dance chal-LONGE?
Fat Michael: Yes, I can do, my brother!
Charlie Kelly: [to Dennis] Cream always rises to the top and you're about to see the white hot cream of an eighth grade boy.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare (#2.3)" (2006)
Frank Reynolds: Well, if we're gonna do something like this, we gotta make sure we don't abuse anybody.
Charlie Kelly: No, I mean I know what it's like to grow up poor. You know, we gotta treat people with respect.
Mac: Respect is the name of the game. Respect is number one!
Charlie Kelly: It's the name of almost every game.
Mac: Absolutely because we understand the plight of the worker.
Charlie Kelly: Plight...
Mac: Respect.
Charlie Kelly: Respect the plight. What d'ya think, Frank?
Frank Reynolds: I'm good, go get us some slaves.

Charlie Kelly: Alright. So what's the vig?
Frank Reynolds: What?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, man. What's the vig on this action?
Frank Reynolds: Do you even know what VIG means?

Mac: [looking over prospective employees at the welfare office] What about that one? He seems strong. Look at those massive thighs.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah those are good thighs, but you're gonna have a problem with work ethic.
Mac: That's what I'm talking about dude, you can't be saying things like that.
Charlie Kelly: No dude, I'm not saying that 'cause he's black, I'm saying 'cause he's asleep in his chair.

Charlie Kelly: All I'm saying is that slaves is not a racist term. Look throughout history many people have been slaves. There have been Jewish slaves, Italian slaves, Asian slaves.
Mac: Yes Charlie but you have to realize that in this country it's a sensitive issue.

Frank Reynolds: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls stealing my money. This shows leadership. I am promoting you to management.
Charlie Kelly: That's why I did it. That is why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank Reynolds: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Dee Reynolds: How come Charlie...? Not fair... How come Charlie...?
Dennis Reynolds: Why would you do this to us, Dad?
Frank Reynolds: Because you are crackheads, children.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Underage Drinking: A National Concern (#1.3)" (2005)
Dennis Reynolds: What the hell is going on?
Charlie Kelly: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kanallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timny at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Henebry, but he doesn't like Erin Henebry, it was all a bunch of bull.
Dee Reynolds: [wanders over] What is happening?
Charlie Kelly: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because...
Mac: Okay, you know what, Charlie? You gotta stop, honestly.

Charlie Kelly: Remember how great high school was? All those parties, no responsibilities...
Mac: High school was the best.
Dennis Reynolds: Do you guys even remember high school? I don't think it happened the way you think.
Mac: What do you mean?
Dennis Reynolds: What I mean Mac, is that the only reason you got to hang out with me and the other cool kids is because you sold us all weed. Everybody thought that you were an asshole.
Mac: I was popular!
Charlie Kelly: What are you talking about? Mac was very popular. And I like to think that I was pretty popular myself.
Mac: You were!
Dennis Reynolds: No, he was. You were popular like a... like a clown is popular.
Charlie Kelly: What?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you made us all laugh, and all the guys knew that you couldn't sleep with their girlfriends.
Mac: Whatever dude. The only reason you got laid is because you dated freshmen.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've always had that creepy thing with younger girls.
Dennis Reynolds: I do not.
Charlie Kelly: You're not in high school anymore, pal. So you better keep it in your pants, because it's kind of creepy.
Dennis Reynolds: You want to know what's creepy? You guys sniffing glue in your mom's basement, Charlie. That's creepy.
[Mac and Charlie become quiet]
Charlie Kelly: [after a long pause] Tim Murphy slept with your prom date.

Charlie Kelly: [interrupting Billy arguing with Sara] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Give me some eyes! Look at me! Cool your jets!
Billy: I'm sorry.
Charlie Kelly: All right, beat it!
[Charlie pushes Billy away]
Charlie Kelly: [talking to Sara] Are you okay?
Sara: He's such a player.
Charlie Kelly: Is he a player?
Sara: Big time.
Charlie Kelly: I hate players. All right, I'm sorry. I'm getting fired up here.
[Charlie walks away with Mac]
Mac: Charlie, that was the coolest thing you've ever done!
Charlie Kelly: I know. I'm gonna be sick.

Dee Reynolds: Trey asked me to prom last night. This is getting really weird.
Charlie Kelly: That girl Sarah asked me too.
Dee Reynolds: Are you kidding?
Mac: What? We can't go to the prom, thats pathetic.
Charlie Kelly: What do you mean "we"? Who asked you?

Charlie Kelly: Look how much fun they're having, man.
Mac: Of course they are, they haven't realized how much life sucks yet.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack (#4.10)" (2008)
Charlie Kelly: Will you just help me out, man? This is Johnson's mail, okay? Now Johnson's gone AWOL for the week with the wife and kids down in Orlando so I want you to keep a pile in a neat stack somewhere that's all Johnson's mail.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. This guy's in Orlando for the week?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah man, help me out here.
Mac: Hold on a second, bro. This is the perfect opportunity. I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy.
Charlie Kelly: Uhh, I don't think that's gonna work, dude.
Mac: Uhh, have you seen the Secret of My Success?
Charlie Kelly: Uhh, they're gonna catch on to you.
Mac: Uhhh, yeah but before they do I'm gonna come up with an idea that will save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me.
Charlie Kelly: Uhhh, are you sure? How's that movie end, dude?
Mac: Uhhh, I can't remember it. Ooh, yeah, he bangs that old lady and then they play that song from the '80s, uh, Day Bow Bow.

Dee Reynolds: What the shit is this?
Charlie Kelly: Uh, Cheech over here bought himself a bong.
Frank Reynolds: [taking a massive bong rip] Holy shit Deandra, this is wacky. I want you to go download me a hoagie off the internet.
Dee Reynolds: I'm sorry? Those words don't make any s- sense... Oh God, you guys... Oh, weird, I feel weird.
Mac: Rip another one, bro.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, say something else stupid too.
Dee Reynolds: My arm's kinda numb. Dennis, can you feel my head? Is it hot, am I hot?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not touching you.
Dee Reynolds: I'm serious you guys, something's not right. I...
Frank Reynolds: You think there's bitches in the bar?
Mac: What?
Frank Reynolds: Bitches in the bar.
Dee Reynolds: I feel like... I'm being really serious you guys, I need some help...
[faints]
Dennis Reynolds: Uh God, what is her problem?
Charlie Kelly: I don't know.
[cue title "Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack"]

Charlie Kelly: [Frank is downing a bunch of pills with beer] What are you doing?
Frank Reynolds: I'm taking 'em because I can't sift through the duds. I gotta take 'em all because I gotta get healthy really fast.

Dennis Reynolds: You know what's scary about this whole thing really is that I have the same genes as her.
Mac: Yeah, I'm concerned for myself and Charlie as well. We lead a very rock 'n' roll lifestyle.
Charlie Kelly: I know!
Dee Reynolds: I just had a heart attack! Can we focus on me for two minutes here?
Charlie Kelly: I feel like we did talk about you...
Mac: Dee, your ship has sailed, okay? It's time to move on to us, the people who are going to live on. Guys, we gotta make sure this does not happen to us.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, that's the important thing here. We need to focus on ourselves.

Charlie Kelly: This company is being bled like a stuffed pig Mac, and I got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out, take a look at this.
Mac: Jesus Christ, Charlie.
Charlie Kelly: That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, okay? Pepe Silvia, this name keeps comin' up over and over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail's getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia, Pepe Silvia, I look in the mail, this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself I gotta find this guy. I gotta go up to his office, I gotta put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise he's never gonna get it, it's gonna keep coming back down here. So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac, what do I find out? There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decided, ohh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper. There's no Pepe Silvia, you gotta be kidding me, I got boxes full of Pepe! All right, so I start marching my way down to Carol in H.R. and I knock on her door and I say, "Caaarol, Caaarol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe!" And when I open the door, what do I find? There's not a single goddamn desk in that office. There is no Carol in H.R. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.
Mac: Okay Charlie, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they have been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude. We are gonna lose our jobs.
Charlie Kelly: Well calm down, 'cause here's one thing that's not gonna happen.
Mac: What?
Charlie Kelly: We're not gonna get fired.
Mac: We're not?
Charlie Kelly: 'Cause we've already been fired.
Mac: We've lost our jobs?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah. About three days ago, a couple pink slips came in the mail. One for you, one for me. So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia.
Mac: Charlie, if we've lost our jobs that means we've lost our health insurance. Which means all of this was for nothing! Goddammit dude, I am having a panic attack. I'm actually having a panic attack.
Charlie Kelly: Will you settle down and have another cup of coffee?
Mac: I am, bro.
Charlie Kelly: All right, well fine. You know what, Barney, give this guy a cigarette. He's freakin' out.
Mac: Huh? Who?
Charlie Kelly: Barney. He's the guy who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.
Mac: Barney? Who the hell is Barney?
Charlie Kelly: You don't see Ba- oh, shit. Where the hell did he...?
Mac: You've lost your mind. You've lost your goddamn mind, Charlie!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Hundred Dollar Baby (#2.5)" (2006)
Dennis Reynolds: [while training Charlie to become an underground fighter] Why don't you punch this board?
[Dennis grabs a board and holds it up]
Charlie Kelly: Okay. Hold it steady for me. Watch your eyes.
[Charlie punches the board and groans in pain]
Mac: That looks like it stings.
Charlie Kelly: Oh my god! What is that made out of?
Dennis Reynolds: It's a board so it's, you know, made out of wood.
Mac: It's like particle board.
Charlie Kelly: It's like harder than wood, dude.
Mac: It's actually softer than wood.

Dee Reynolds: [upon finding her steroids are gone] Who took my shit?
Charlie Kelly: [quietly] I might have had some.
Dee Reynolds: What did you just say, you little bitch?
Charlie Kelly: I might have had some of your pills or whatever.
Dee Reynolds: Oh yeah?
[Dee walks over to Charlie and gets in his face]
Dee Reynolds: [filled with rage] I am gonna punch a hole through your face!

Dee Reynolds: Rocky IV is not the greatest move of all time.
Dennis Reynolds: What do you consider to be a good movie?
Dee Reynolds: I don't know, Million Dollar Baby or something.
Dennis Reynolds: Are you serious? No way!
Dee Reynolds: It won an Oscar!
Charlie Kelly: It has Stallone punching a Russian's face in to all smithereens!
Mac: Lifting anvils and shit, pulling a truck through snow.
Dennis Reynolds: Million Dollar Baby is totally unrealistic. Girls can't fight, they don't have muscles.
Dee Reynolds: That is a horribly sexist thing to say.
Dennis Reynolds: It's not sexist, it's just truthful, you know.
Charlie Kelly: Girls can't pull trucks through snow.
Dee Reynolds: Could you pull a truck through snow?
Charlie Kelly: I absolutely could!
Dee Reynolds: You can barely walk through the snow, Charlie.
Dennis Reynolds: That is true.
Charlie Kelly: Okay, is the truck in Park or Neutral?
Mac: That is a good question.

Mac: Charlie, we need to build up your tolerance to beatings!
Dennis Reynolds: Hence the smashings!
Mac: Yeah, we used the trash can but Dennis wanted to use a chair.
Dennis Reynolds: I think he's ready for a chair.
Mac: That's way too excessive.
Dennis Reynolds: The guy's ready for a chair.
Mac: No, he's not ready for a chair...
Charlie Kelly: Hey, hey, guys! I can handle a chair.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis (#4.2)" (2008)
Dennis Reynolds: [trying to persuade a bank clerk to give them a loan] You know, I just had a crazy thought. How's about I take you to the back and "change your mind"?
Charlie Kelly: Or how about we all go in the back and have great sex?
Dennis Reynolds: What are you doing?
Charlie Kelly: Hm? I'm playing the wild card here, man, so...
Mac: No, dude. Just let Dennis do his thing, okay?
Charlie Kelly: I can be very sensual with a woman, all right? You will enjoy it.
Dennis Reynolds: Now is not the right time to pull the wild card, okay? Let me do my thing. Let me do the seducing.
Mac: Look, let Dennis bang her so we can get our loan.
Charlie Kelly: Well, here's a scenario. What if she wanted to bang me, or you for that matter...
Dennis Reynolds: You can't pull the wild card when I already have my shirt off. That should be a rule. Can that be a rule?
Mac: Yes, that's a rule.
Charlie Kelly: Well, your shirt's not off.
Dennis Reynolds: [takes off shirt] Well, now it is, goddammit, bitch. Back off.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, yeah?
[takes off shirt]
Charlie Kelly: Oh, wow, now, baby!
Dennis Reynolds: Come on, man! This is my job!
Mac: [takes off shirt] Now I feel like I should do it.
Dennis Reynolds: What are you doing? Goddammit. Well, okay, so...
Mac: Why don't you decide? Which one of us do you want to take you in the back and bang you?

Dennis Reynolds: All right, buddy, now explain to me how exactly we are going to calculate the totals.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, it's easy, dude. You pour gas into the car using one of these funnels, right? And I count how much gas is going into the car.
Dennis Reynolds: All right, let me- let me just stop you right there. How exactly are you planning on counting a liquid?
Charlie Kelly: Uhh, I know how to count, dude. I'm not...
Dennis Reynolds: [to Mac] Okay, you do it. You do it, Mac, because I can't speak to him. I don't understand him.

Mac: [panicking] Guys, why aren't the brakes working?
Charlie Kelly: Because I cut the brakes! Wild card, bitches! Yeeee-haw!
[jumps out of truck]

Mac: And you know what, Charlie? You shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay? You're not the decision making type. As the brains of this organization, I should've made this decision.
Dennis Reynolds: Hey, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?
Mac: Uh... I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.
Dennis Reynolds: What? What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?
Mac: You're the looks.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, yeah, of course I'm the looks, but I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.
Mac: No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie's the wild card.
Charlie Kelly: Whoa. That's awesome!
Mac: Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wild card. Think about it. The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, shit.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac and Dennis: Manhunters (#4.1)" (2008)
Charlie Kelly: [singing] Sharing, it's a rule now.
[fart noise]

Charlie Kelly: [Charlie and Dee examine bodies in a morgue] These are two dead bodies.
Dee Reynolds: They're dead. Two dead guys.
Charlie Kelly: This is the real deal here.
Dee Reynolds: [Examining African American specimen] I don't think I can eat this guy.
Charlie Kelly: I don't think I can, right? Why is that?
Dee Reynolds: I don't know.
Charlie Kelly: It's not because he's black, though, right?
Dee Reynolds: Of course not... I don't think so... No.
Charlie Kelly: It's because he's dead, right?
Dee Reynolds: It's because he's dead, that's why not.
Charlie Kelly: Good, good, good.
[pause]
Charlie Kelly: I've got a question for you: is it racist if we don't eat this guy?
Dee Reynolds: Well, shit, Charlie. Now it is.
Charlie Kelly: I'm sorry, Dee.
[walking over to white specimen]
Charlie Kelly: The white guy over here looks better to me for some reason.
Dee Reynolds: So much better, doesn't he? What is that?
Charlie Kelly: You know what it is? Generally, I don't eat dark meat.
Dee Reynolds: I prefer the white meat. I always have.
Charlie Kelly: It's not that guy. It's this guy.
Dee Reynolds: The problem is: I'm gonna have a really hard time if we're both cannibals *and* we're racists.
Dee Reynolds: We're not, Dee. Cannibalism? Racism? Dee, that's not for us. You know? Those are the decisions that are best left to the suits in Washington. Okay? We're just here to eat some dude.
Dee Reynolds: You lost me with Washington, but the rest I agree with. So let's eat a peace of this guy.
Charlie Kelly: [long, apprehensive pause] I can't do it.
Dee Reynolds: No. Me neither.
Charlie Kelly: The goods news is, I guess this means we're not racist.

Frank Reynolds: [Charlie and Dee are discussing where to get some human meat from Frank] That wasn't human meat! It was raccoon meat. You probably got a tapeworm, that stuff is loaded with parasites!
Charlie Kelly: [Charlie starts laughing hysterically] Raccoon meat! BULLSHIT!
Dee Reynolds: Oh yes Frank, we're gonna go get some of that human meat of yours!
Charlie Kelly: [brandishing a butcher knife] I'M GONNA CHOP A PIECE OF THAT FAT LITTLE CALF MUSCLE OF YOURS AND I'M GONNA EAT IT! GET HIM!
[Charlie and Dee chase after Frank]
Mac: And the hunt is on once again.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh those two are gonna have so much fun.
[Dennis goes and locks the door]
Mac: Yes indeed. But the question still remains with what to do with Mr. Cricket.
Dennis Reynolds: Yup Mac, it's just us now. Just you and me, and a couple of pairs of sour, sweaty balls.

Frank Reynolds: Ah I see you two are enjoying my meat. I was just buying some wine. A nice port to compliment what you two have just eaten. By the way, you know what you've just eaten right?
Dee Reynolds: Was it venison?
Frank Reynolds: You WISH it was venison!
Charlie Kelly: What is it then?
Frank Reynolds: THAT which you have just eaten, which your taste buds have savored, which your teeth have just torn apart, THAT is human meat.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation (#3.6)" (2007)
Charlie Kelly: Wait, you followed me all the way home?
Sun Li: [nods]
Charlie Kelly: So, you saw me eat that Hot Pocket out of the trash?
Sun Li: [nods]
Charlie Kelly: You got any... feelings about that?
Sun Li: [shakes her head no]
Charlie Kelly: Wow, I like you, come on in.

Charlie Kelly: That would have been a lot better if I was wearing the duster, dude.
Dennis Reynolds: Come on, dude, it doesn't fit you. It's too big for you.
Charlie Kelly: That's why it's so awesome on me! It's like, "Why's that guy in giant jacket? What is he hiding?"

Charlie Kelly: Ohhhhhhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
Dennis Reynolds: I see a door marked "Private". Is that the door you're talking about?
Charlie Kelly: Nah, I was talking abou... I didn't say... did you... what did you hear?
Dennis Reynolds: I heard you say there was a door marked "Pirate".
Charlie Kelly: Well, are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in there?
Dennis Reynolds: You're the one that... Jesus Christ, man. Shit.

Charlie Kelly: Hey wait, are you planning to douse my fiancée with water, exposing her breasts for everyone to see?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah man, is that cool?
Charlie Kelly: That's VERY cool.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad (#2.10)" (2006)
Charlie Kelly: Oh, this is such bullshit. So you guys have two dads and I don't even have one!
Mac: Yeah, that is bullshit, we don't even have one.
Charlie Kelly: What are you talking about? You have a father!
Mac: Yeah, but he's in prison, Charlie, and he's been there my whole life. It doesn't count.

Frank Reynolds: [looking for someone via MySpace so he can kill him] Shit! He hasn't accepted my friend request!
Charlie Kelly: Relax, Frank. Sometimes it takes a while.
Frank Reynolds: It's been days! I have no friends!
Charlie Kelly: Would you stop saying that? You have friends.
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, I got you, I got this guy, Tom, and this crazy lady who claims we had a one-night-stand 30 years ago.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, but Tom doesn't really count. He sort of comes with it.

Mac: Charlie, this is our opportunity to prove to people that we are to be respected. No one is more respected than dudes in prison right?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah.
Mac: And what are dudes in prison?
Charlie Kelly: Hard?
Mac: Right; this is our chance to get hard.
Charlie Kelly: OK OK i just don't know if this is the best way to get hard.
Mac: Of course it is, this is totally hard. Look you want to get hard don't you?
Charlie Kelly: I want to get hard. I want to get very very hard.
Mac: Alright, do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie Kelly: Dude I don't want to shove anything in my ass.
Mac: Alright this is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are and not have to shove anything into our asses.
Frank Reynolds: What in Gods name are you two talking about?
Mac: Frank we're in.
Frank Reynolds: Great!
[Fires Gun]

Mac: Do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie Kelly: Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my ass!
Mac: All right! This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are, and not have to shove anything up our asses!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas (#6.13)" (2009)
[Charlie walks up to a shopping mall Santa Claus as Mac watches, after learning that his mother was a prostitute who had her clients dress up as Santa on Christmas to avoid upsetting Charlie]
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho. Well, hello! Merry Christmas! So, where's your little one?
[Charlie sits on Santa's lap]
Santa Claus: Oh! Ho ho ho ho, you're a big boy, aren't ya? Ha ha! Uh...
[to Mac]
Santa Claus: Is he retarded? Ah, I got this one.
[to Charlie]
Santa Claus: So, son, what would you like for Christmas, huh?
Charlie Kelly: Did you fuck my mom?
Santa Claus: ...What?
Charlie Kelly: Did you FUCK... my MOM?
Santa Claus: What d'ya mean? I, uh...
Charlie Kelly: Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus? Did you fuck my mom? Did you fuck her? DID YOU FUCK MY FUCKING MOM? DID YOU FUCK MY MOM, SANTA? AAAAH!
[Charlie bites Santa's neck, causing blood to spray everywhere, then drags him to the ground and mercilessly beats him in front of hundreds of crying children before Mac finally drags him away]

Dennis Reynolds: If you guys love Christmas so much, why do you always wait until the last possible minute to put up the Christmas decorations? It is the day before Christmas.
Mac: That's our tradition.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, that's what we do. We drink a lot of eggnog. We pass out. And then we don't put anything up, so we do it at the last minute.
Mac: Yeah, then we wake up at Christmas and celebrate by throwing rocks at moving freight trains.
Dee Reynolds: Why would grown men throw rocks at trains?
Mac: Why wouldn't we throw rocks at trains? It's beats throwing rocks at passing cars, or at people.
Charlie Kelly: It's awesome. That's what you do on Christmas morning. We've been doing it since we were kids. Look, whatever. I'm sorry that we love Christmas and we have awesome Christmas traditions and you guys hate Christmas.
Mac: They hate Christmas because I always got the best gifts, and Frank always gave them shitty presents.
Dee Reynolds: You think we don't like Christmas because Frank gave us shitty presents?
Dennis Reynolds: Is that really what you think? No, Frank didn't buy shitty presents. Frank bought the most awesome presents in the world. As a matter of fact, he would find out whatever Christmas presents we wanted that year... and he would buy them for himself instead of buying them for us.
Charlie Kelly: Really? That must have been why he wanted me to walkie you guys when you got to the bar. 'Cause he was trying to do something about making your Christmas better. Or worse.

[after watching an old video of a young Mac and his parents stealing presents]
Charlie Kelly: Dude, what was that? What just happened? What was that right there? What was the family on the stairs? What was that?
Mac: That was probally the next family coming in to get their presents.
Charlie Kelly: What are you talking about? What was happening there?
Mac: That was the Christmas tradition my parents had. You go from house to house collecting your presents. And then when the next family would come, you would take your presents and run.
Charlie Kelly: I am not aware of that tradition, Mac. In fact, I think that you and your parents were just stealing from that home.
Mac: Oh no. I was taking their presents, but they were taking mine. Yeah, dude. That's why there were never any presents at my house on Christmas morning or when we got back. The neighbors took them. It's a South Philadelphia tradition, Charlie.
Charlie Kelly: No, that makes no sense. People don't do that, dude. That doesn't make any sense.
Mac: You're telling me that on Christmas morning, you and your mother would not go to your neighbor's house and take their presents?
Charlie Kelly: No! No one does that!
Mac: Well, my dad told me that was the tradition.
Charlie Kelly: Mac, your dad is a convicted thief and a murderer who eats people. So, he's not really trustworthy.
Mac: This is really dicking with my Christmas spirit.

Mac: [digging through his childhood stuff and finds Simon game] Yeah! Boom! 'Member that?
Charlie Kelly: [gasps] Simon?
Mac: Simon.
Charlie Kelly: Dude, this game was my favorite. Do you remember how challenging this was?
Mac: Yeah. But Charlie, don't get lost in that, okay? Just...
[beeps]
Charlie Kelly: I got the first one, bro.
[beeps twice]
Charlie Kelly: Uh-oh.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Gets Crippled (#2.1)" (2006)
Charlie Kelly: [after Dennis hits him with his SUV] Dennis, you son of a bitch!

Frank Reynolds: I wanna live like you again, Charlie. I wanna be pathetic and desperate and ugly and hopless.
Charlie Kelly: Okay. I'm not ugly.

Stripper: Oh, look at you sweetie. What happened?
Charlie Kelly: [pretending to be a war veteran] Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer bitch!

Charlie Kelly: Let's flip a coin, the loser leaves.
Mac: Okay.
Charlie Kelly: Get a coin.
Mac: I don't have a coin! Gimme a coin. You have a coin?
Charlie Kelly: Of course I don't have a coin.
Mac: Alright, let's flip something else.
Charlie Kelly: Alright, uh...
Mac: Something in the hallway... a feather?
Charlie Kelly: Look, that piece of wood.
Mac: That's not gonna work.
Charlie Kelly: What about something off the chair?
Mac: Yeah, maybe we'll just break something off this chair.
[Mac starts kicking the wheel off Charlie's wheelchair]
Charlie Kelly: Don't break it too much. It's a rental, dude.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac and Dennis Break Up (#5.9)" (2009)
Charlie Kelly: Cat in the wall, eh? Okay, now you're talkin' my language!

Charlie Kelly: You know what happened? I bet it flattened itself out, went right through a seam in your wall.
Dee Reynolds: I don't think there's anything in the laws of nature to support that.
Charlie Kelly: Cats do not abide by the laws of nature.

Frank Reynolds: What's the situation?
Charlie Kelly: I got two cats stuck inside this wall, can't get 'em out.
Frank Reynolds: Wanna bring in a third?
Charlie Kelly: I'm thinkin' maybe four.

Mac: Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie Kelly: I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank Reynolds: Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis (#5.1)" (2009)
The Attorney: This family behind me has 90 days to vacate. Until then, you can't touch them.
[Frank starts yelling]
Charlie Kelly: Let me handle this, Frank. It's not bullbird. He's making a few good points.
[turns to lawyer]
Charlie Kelly: Look, buddy. I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings. I'm well educated. Well versed. I know that situations like this- real estate wise- they're very complex.
The Attorney: Actually, they're pretty simple. The forms are all standard boiler plate.
Charlie Kelly: Okay. Well, we're all hungry. We're gonna get to our hotplates soon enough, alright? Let's talk about the contract here.
The Attorney: I'm sorry, I forgot. Where did you go to law school again?
Charlie Kelly: I could ask you the very same question...
The Attorney: [interrupting] I went to Harvard.
Charlie Kelly: [incoherent mumbling]
The Attorney: What?
Charlie Kelly: I'm pleading the 5th, sir.
The Attorney: I wouldn't advise you do that.
Charlie Kelly: And I'll take that advise under cooperation, alright? Now, let's say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor?
The Attorney: You know, I don't think I'm going to do anything close to that and I can clearly see you know nothing about the law. Seems like you have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general.
Charlie Kelly: [more mumbling] ... Filibuster...
The Attorney: Do you know what that word means?
Charlie Kelly: [after a long, stammering pause, Charlie screams and crashes through what's left of the door]

Charlie Kelly: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!
Dennis Reynolds: What guy?
Charlie Kelly: That lawyer guy, okay? He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction from him.
Mac: You want him to bang you?
Charlie Kelly: Uh. No, Mac. Be serious, okay? He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers, all right? Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened.
[shows the gang a history book]
Charlie Kelly: Take a look at this picture. What do you see?
Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other.
Charlie Kelly: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.
Dennis Reynolds: Now, how do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?
Charlie Kelly: [slams book] 'Cause it's an old book, okay? I don't have to explain everything to you about what I know! I'm trying to... get satisfied... from this dude... and you're trying to... I'm getting satisfied. I don't care.

Dennis Reynolds: Look, okay. Absolutely, we could cave the husband's skull in here. Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzied free-for-all with her. We could tie the little kids up in their little rooms upstairs so they wouldn't hear any of it.
Mac: Dennis, in that scenario, we'd have to kill the kids 'cause they've would've seen our faces.
Dennis Reynolds: Right, we could smear the walls with their blood. Guys, there are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here. But I think the easiest thing, really, is to just go get the deed.
Charlie Kelly: Right. Why get weird?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Wants an Abortion (#1.2)" (2005)
Dee Reynolds: Did you have sex with her?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah.
Dee Reynolds: Well, did you use birth control?
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, Dee, we're from a Catholic school.
Dee Reynolds: So, premarital sex is all right, but you're not allowed to use birth control?
Charlie Kelly: Okay, now you're just twisting words around and getting cute.

Tommy: You're ugly.
Charlie Kelly: You're ugly.
Tommy: You're ugly!
Charlie Kelly: You are the one that's ugly!
Dee Reynolds: Charlie, Jesus Christ! Are you almost 30? Are you almost 30 years old?
Charlie Kelly: Yes.
Tommy: You have to buy me a toy.
Charlie Kelly: I don't have to buy you shit!
Tommy: If you don't buy me anything, I'm gonna telly my mom you took me to a black people's house!

Charlie Kelly: Today's a big day for me, Tommy.
Tommy: Why?
Charlie Kelly: Well, today is probably the best chance I'm ever gonna have of hooking up with this girl, so, uh... Look at me, look at me for a second, pal.
[kneels]
Charlie Kelly: Okay, do me a favor. If you're good today, I'm gonna buy you anything you want. Anything in the world, all right?
[Tommy spits on Charlie]
Charlie Kelly: Oh, my God! I will smash your face into a... into a jelly!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac Is a Serial Killer (#3.10)" (2007)
Dennis Reynolds: [the gang talks about the city's serial killer as Mac suddenly walks into the bar] This guy got laid last night!
Mac: [nervously] No, I didn't!
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you did. You didn't come last night.
Mac: Yes, I did!
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, those are the same clothes you were wearing yesterday.
Mac: No, they aren't. They're different clothes.
Dennis Reynolds: Hey, what's with those scratches on your neck?
Mac: Scratches? What scratches? I've... I've gotta take a piss. Stop asking me questions.
[runs into the bathroom]
Dee Reynolds: Well, that was weird.
Charlie Kelly: I wonder what got into him.
Frank Reynolds: Serial killin'!

Charlie Kelly: Hey Frank, what guy hasn't done some extensive research on his own genitalia? Don't say you, buddy, 'cause I woke up to you doing some pretty frantic research last night, pal!
Frank Reynolds: We can go tit for tat on that one, so you better drop that subject!

[Mac lets Charlie overhear Mac talking on the phone with a woman called Sandy, who unbeknownst to them is actually Dee disguising her voice]
Dee Reynolds: This is Mac, right? Good looking guy, great sense of humor, really bulky.
Mac: Uh, more ripped.
Charlie Kelly: Strike that.
Mac: Jacked.
Charlie Kelly: Irrelevant.
Mac: Toned.
Charlie Kelly: Exaggeration.
Mac: I work out.
Charlie Kelly: I'll allow it.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Held Hostage (#3.4)" (2007)
Charlie Kelly: Mac, can an asshole rip in half?
Mac: Like tissue paper.

Charlie Kelly: [at gunpoint] Okay, don't shoot, okay? Just take whatever you want.
Mac: Yeah, take the cash register!
Dennis Reynolds: Take the girl!
Dee Reynolds: What do you mean take the girl?
Dennis Reynolds: Don't argue with him, just go!
Charlie Kelly: He's right. You better just go with them!
Dee Reynolds: But they're not trying to take me anywhere!
Mac: Don't try to be a hero, Dee, just do what they say!
Dee Reynolds: They're not saying anything!
Charlie Kelly: Well, what's the sense? If you keep arguing with them then we're all gonna die!

Dee Reynolds: Dennis is gonna try and have you killed.
Charlie Kelly: I can't say that surprises me.
Dee Reynolds: He's gonna sell us all down the river.
Charlie Kelly: Okay, should we kill him first?
Dee Reynolds: Well, look, I don't want anybody to have to die, but if somebody does, there's no reason it shouldn't be Dennis.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Gun Fever (#1.5)" (2005)
Charlie Kelly: Is it loaded?
Dennis Reynolds: It can be.

Mac: Charlie, are you okay?
Charlie Kelly: No, I'm not okay! I'm shot in the head!

Mac: [in the hospital] We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, oh, the gun... yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you
Charlie Kelly: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah... mm... Dee, could you get me a nurse?
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, sure.
[exits]
Charlie Kelly: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
Mac: No way!
Dennis Reynolds: [pulls gun out of his pants] Never.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: McPoyle vs. Ponderosa: The Trial of the Century (#11.7)" (2016)
Bill Ponderosa: [after snorting a white powder] Jesus son, what did you cut this with?
Bobby Ponderosa: Shut up bitch.
Charlie Kelly: Your son? Your son is your dealer?
Bill Ponderosa: He's reliable.

Charlie Kelly: I'm not an executioner. I'm the best goddamn bird lawyer in the world.

Uncle Jack: As the great Johnny Cochran once said, if the glove doesn't fit, give up.
Charlie Kelly: That is not what he said. How are you a lawyer Jack?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Finds a Dead Guy (#1.6)" (2005)
Charlie Kelly: I'll tell you what. I'll go with you, but you have to let me borrow your car any time I want.
Dee Reynolds: No.
Charlie Kelly: Every now and then.
Dee Reynolds: No.
Charlie Kelly: One time.
Dee Reynolds: All right.
Charlie Kelly: And, you have to take me to lunch twice a week for a year.
Dee Reynolds: No, I don't.
Charlie Kelly: Once a week.
Dee Reynolds: Nuh-uh.
Charlie Kelly: Today.
Dee Reynolds: Okay.

Curator: [after being shown the Nazi officers jacket] I find this offensive for so many reasons. I'm guessing you acquired this through illegal means. For me to take this from you would be an extension of that. And secondly, that you would expect it would "make my day" assumes that I'm interested in profiting off the murder of millions of innocent people!
[Mac glances at Charlie; Charlie nods]
Mac: How much will you give us for it?
Curator: Nothing.
Charlie Kelly: Nothing, orrr...?
Curator: I plan to call the police the minute you guys leave my office.

Charlie Kelly: [wearing garbage bag and rubber gloves] I'm sorry for your loss.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gives Back (#2.6)" (2006)
Charlie Kelly: Yeah... I'm not an alcoholic, actually... Yeah... I'm only here because I got a little drunk and I threw a flaming bag of feces into a building and I kind of burnt it down a little bit, you know, but I wasn't trying to burn it down. I was trying to make the place smell really bad and get rid of this guy... this guy knows what I'm talking about.

Waitress: I wrote down my phone number. Please. Please, Charlie. Please don't make me regret giving this to you.
Charlie Kelly: No, absolute... absolutely not. No, this will be a platonic sponsor-sponsoree kind of thing.
[waitress gives Charlie her phone number]
Charlie Kelly: [upon reading it, muttering to himself] Oh. No shit! I was so close.

Charlie Kelly: I have 248 hours of, uh...
Mac: [helping Charlie read] Interstate.
Charlie Kelly: Inter... Interstate...
Mac: Sanitation. Jesus Christ.
Charlie Kelly: Interstate sanitation. What is that?
Dennis Reynolds: The guys in the orange vests who pick up trash.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, my God. And what is this about the AA?
Mac: Alcoholics Anonymous.
Charlie Kelly: For...
Mac: Six!
Dee Reynolds: Oh, my God.
Mac: Months!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Goes Jihad (#2.2)" (2006)
Charlie Kelly: Ok, I'll tell you what. Let's throw a flaming bag of poop through their window.
Mac: What? Why?
Charlie Kelly: They stamp it out, get poop all over their shoes.
Mac: What in the hell is that going to accomplish?
Charlie Kelly: Poop on their shoes. Their shoes, dude.
Mac: Are you retarded? Are you a retarded person?
Charlie Kelly: Poop on the shoes, man!

Mrs. Reynolds: Jesus Christ, Frank. This place is a shit hole! Is this how you've been living?
Frank Reynolds: We make it work. What do you want?
Mrs. Reynolds: I want to talk.
Frank Reynolds: I tried to talk to you weeks ago. You went on vacation.
Mrs. Reynolds: I was trying to scare some sense into you. You were talking about giving away all of our money.
Frank Reynolds: My money. I made it, you spent it.
Charlie Kelly: Burn. There you go, buddy.
[Charlie and Frank hi-five]
Mrs. Reynolds: How can you say that to me? After everything I've done for you. While you were out making money, who do you think was at home cooking and cleaning and raising your children?
Frank Reynolds: A series of Mexican women?
Charlie Kelly: A series... unbelievable, dude. You're on fire.
[they hi-five again]
Mrs. Reynolds: You can choose to live like an animal if you want to, but I refuse to be subjected to it. I want my shit back. You took my shit from our home and I want it back.
Frank Reynolds: Well, I didn't take anything.
Mrs. Reynolds: It's empty. Someone came in and took everything.
Frank Reynolds: Maybe you should have somebody deported like you used to in the old days.
Charlie Kelly: Beautiful.
[Charlie hi-fives Frank and is then slapped in the face by Barbara]
Mrs. Reynolds: I can't even talk to you anymore. Standing up for yourself. Standing up for immigrants! I don't know what you're turning into Frank, but it's making me sick!

[Dennis mimics an Arab jihad video]
Charlie Kelly: Cut, cut, cut, cut. What the hell are you doing, dude?
Dennis Reynolds: [uncovers face] That's what those tapes sound like.
Charlie Kelly: Why don't you read the script that I wrote.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not reading the script you wrote. It's in English, and it's riddled with spelling errors.
Charlie Kelly: Well, you know what I'm trying to write, just say it.
Dennis Reynolds: No, I'm just gonna mumble some guttural sounds. Let's do another one.
Charlie Kelly: He's not gonna know what you're saying!
Dennis Reynolds: Well, then we'll do subtitles or something!
Charlie Kelly: How am I gonna do subtitles?
Mac: I feel like I should have something in my hands.
Dennis Reynolds: You don't need anything in your hands.
Mac: Like a weapon. A machete or a machine gun or something.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, why don't you head down to the Wawa and pick up a machine gun!
Charlie Kelly: Read the script.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not gonna read the script.
Charlie Kelly: Read the- who's the director here?
Dennis Reynolds: I don't care, I'm not reading the script!
Charlie Kelly: Alright, fine. Action!
Dennis Reynolds: Bro, can I get my towel over my face again?
Charlie Kelly: Oh, yeah, put your towel on your face.
Dennis Reynolds: Alright, here we go.
Charlie Kelly: Action.
[Dennis speaks mock arabic]
Mac: [interrupts] I'm gonna get a weapon. I'm gonna get a weapon!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Great Recession (#5.3)" (2009)
Mac: All right, let's get this guy outta here, send him a message.
Dennis Reynolds: Let's do it.
Charlie Kelly: Right, let's slash his tires.
Mac: Well, not that though, because then he can't leave. That doesn't make any sense.
Charlie Kelly: Well, you start putting plans under microscopes, nothing's gonna make sense, all right?
Mac: Lots of things make sense. Slashing someone's tires so that they leave makes no sense.
Charlie Kelly: You're gonna put everything I say under a microscope, bud?
Dennis Reynolds: It's a stupid idea, Charlie.

Dennis Reynolds: [Frank is hanging by a noose] Whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dee Reynolds: Oh, Frank's trying to kill himself.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, my God. Is he all right? Frank, are you all right?
Frank Reynolds: Don't try to stop me.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, my God.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, so he's alive.
Frank Reynolds: I lost all my money in a Ponzi scheme, Charlie. I'm broke!
Dee Reynolds: His neck is so thick, I feel like he's just gonna swing and dangle around for a really long time.

Charlie Kelly: Now let's talk about the trash. What do I do with the trash? How do I dispose of the trash?
Dennis Reynolds: I don't know. We disposed the trash in the dumpster last night. What are you doing with it?
Charlie Kelly: I am taking it to the furnace.
Mac: We have a furnace?
Charlie Kelly: Absolutely. Where do you think the heat comes from?
Dennis Reynolds: You burn the trash in the furnace?
Charlie Kelly: This bar runs on trash, dude. This bar is totally green that way.
Dennis Reynolds: How is burning trash green?
Charlie Kelly: Uh, because I'm recycling the trash into heat for the bar and lots of smoke for the bar. I'm giving the bar the good smoky smell that we all like.
Mac: The bar smells like trash.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest (#4.3)" (2008)
Charlie Kelly: Uh, later dudes. S you in your As. Don't wear a C and J all over your Bs.

Dennis Reynolds: Oh, you better have a good reason for getting us outta bed this early, jerk.
Frank Reynolds: I got a goddamn great reason for gettin' you out of bed. This bar is hemorrhaging money!
Charlie Kelly: You gotta spend money to make money. Economics 101, dude.
Frank Reynolds: You're bleeding us to death! Especially with that company credit card you got.
Mac: Uh, that is for business expenses, Frank. Everything on there is a business expense.
Frank Reynolds: Who spent $500 for laser hair removal?
Dennis Reynolds: Right over here, Slick. Don't wanna have hair down there, know what I'm sayin'?
Frank Reynolds: Who spent $5,000 for a samurai sword?
Mac: [raises hand] Your head of security.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, just wait till he saves your life one day with it.
Frank Reynolds: $6,000 on a camcorder!
Dee Reynolds: Well, I've decided what I'm gonna do is I'm going to take all those hilarious characters that I've been creating over the past several years. I'm gonna put 'em on tape, I'm gonna put 'em on YouTube. That way I can get discovered by like a casting director or a producer. I get some kind of a TV development deal.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, right, so the point is, Frank, is that these are all business expenses. I mean, some are definitely more realistic than others...
Charlie Kelly: [points to Dee] Yeah, not that one.
Dennis Reynolds: No, not at all, but nonetheless I believe bought as a business expense.
Frank Reynolds: They're not business expenses! What *I* bought is a business expense. What I bought is somethin' that's gonna save our asses!
Dennis Reynolds: [mockingly] Okay. Yeah, all right.
Charlie Kelly: All right, what d'ya get?
Frank Reynolds: I bought a billboard!
[cue title: "America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest"]

Dee Reynolds: See this is the part where I would volunteer to be the girl on the billboard and you guys would find some reason not to and compare me to some sort of animal like a giant bird.
Dennis Reynolds: [agreeing] Oh she looks so much like a bird doesn't she?
Charlie Kelly: See I was thinking fish because of how far apart her eyes are.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead (#3.3)" (2007)
Charlie Kelly: I mean, shit, if you want it to be a bicep, it needs more veins!

Charlie Kelly: Hey, guys, check out who I met buying a crossbow. This dude is the shit.
Ernesto: I shall use this crossbow to pierce my broken heart!
Charlie Kelly: Yeah!

Dennis Reynolds: Look, we need to start the healing process. Okay? I'm devastated over here. We need to throw a big-ass party. Because I need to be amongst friends. Let's call the crew. Let's round up the boys!
Charlie Kelly: Round the crew up!
Dennis Reynolds: And let's have a kick-ass party!
Charlie Kelly: We got the diary! And the crew!
Dennis Reynolds, Charlie Kelly: [singing] The boys are back in town. The boys are back in town.
Mac: [checking cell phone] I have two numbers in my phone. Charlie and Dennis.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Wrestles for the Troops (#5.7)" (2009)
Charlie Kelly: What are you getting, an autograph? No, we're good, man. That's alright.
Dennis Reynolds: We don't need an autograph, man. We were actually here for a different...
Da' Maniac: [hands Charlie a piece of paper] God bless you, man. You have a good time, you know, whale away...
Charlie Kelly: This is a parking ticket.

Da' Maniac: I love you guys, man. You know, you remind me of my kids.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, you got kids, Maniac?
Da' Maniac: [long pause] Nah. Not anymore.
[walks away distraught]
Dennis Reynolds: What does that mean?
Charlie Kelly: We got a problem. What is he- what is he talking about with his kids?
Dennis Reynolds: Did he kill his kids?

[after their "Birds of War" performance]
Dennis Reynolds: They are not responding to the pageantry at all.
Mac: The second verse is completely ridiculous.
Dennis Reynolds: The second verse is necessary to clarify what we are!
Charlie Kelly: We're mic'd. We're mic'd, our microphones are on.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby (#3.1)" (2007)
Charlie Kelly: You know there was a time where I'd help you raise this little dumpster baby brother of mine like a son. But that's gone now 'cause you ruined it. You threw your babies away. And you threw your swords away. You threw your golf clubs and your tasty treats! And ya know what? I found 'em. And I'm gonna raise all of them!

Charlie Kelly: Dude, you could totally chop a camel in its hump and drink all its milk off the... off the tip of this thing, man!

Bonnie Kelly: I had an abortion. It just didn't take.
Charlie Kelly: What does that mean?
Bonnie Kelly: You survived it. You survived the abortion!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Runs for Office (#2.8)" (2006)
Charlie Kelly: You got that script I wrote? Grab that script.
Dennis: I've been meaning to speak to you about this. I can't read these words. They're not in the right order.
Charlie Kelly: It's good.
Dennis: I think you might be dyslexic bro. I'm not reading this.
Charlie Kelly: No, no, no, no!
Dennis: I think you might be dyslexic.
Charlie Kelly: Just read it once!
Dennis: Ok... you want me to read the script?
Charlie Kelly: Yes... and action!
Dennis: I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you, thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot. What? Taxes, they'll be lower... son. The Democratic vote is the right thing to do Philadelphia, so do." This doesn't make any sense!
Charlie Kelly: Alright... then just say whatever you want.

Charlie Kelly: That's politics, bitch!

[Charlie and Frank are looking at Garbage Pail Kids cards]
Sweet Dee: Are those the stupid cards where babies are doing disgusting things?
Charlie Kelly: No, Dee. These are those amazing cards where babies are doing hysterical things.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Goes to Hell (#11.9)" (2016)
Charlie Kelly: I thought you said they didn't have alcohol. Look, they got screwdrivers.
Frank Reynolds: Oh, no, Charlie, that's just orange juice.
Charlie Kelly: Orange juice, like the mixer?

Mac: There are two guys in this church that are gay!
Charlie Kelly: Who's the other guy?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Misses the Boat (#10.6)" (2015)
Mac: I'm wearing a mesh shirt, and it's totally sweet. You guys probably want me to burn it, but I won't, all right? Now, I like this choice. I like the choices I've made. I like who I am, all right? But I realize I've been lying to myself over the past few years, and I'm done lying, okay? And I've found someone who's gonna allow me to be me.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, good.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, good, all right, yeah.
Dee Reynolds: Great. Finally. Yes.
Dennis Reynolds: Let's do this.
Charlie Kelly: That all makes sense. Let's get this over with.

Dee Reynolds: Arrogance, vanity, all over. He's underwater, like a Range Rover.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm sorry, what is this? What are you doing?
Dee Reynolds: Def Poetry.
Dennis Reynolds: Don't do that.
Charlie Kelly: Makeup... smearin'. No power steerin'. He be talkin', but we don't be hearin'.
Dennis Reynolds: I command you to stop.
Dee Reynolds: Speaks like Zeus.
Charlie Kelly: Smells like poops.
Dee Reynolds: Rage all over from his head down to his shoes.
Dennis Reynolds: Zeus, poops and shoes? Guys, you suck at Def Poetry.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Sells Out (#3.7)" (2007)
Waitress: Wow, why are you so sweaty?
Charlie Kelly: It's really hot in here.
Waitress: It's not hot, it's freezing.
Charlie Kelly: It's freezing, isn't it? They are blazing that AC.

Charlie Kelly: Why don't I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into Jobland where jobs grow on jobbies.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty Magoo (#3.5)" (2007)
Dee Reynolds: What is this thing?
Charlie Kelly: That's Dennis' prototype. Be careful with that.
Dee Reynolds: No, I know it's the prototype but I don't get how it works.
Charlie Kelly: Dee, you're asking a million questions. All right look, I'm just going to walk you through it, so pay attention. Okay, look, the pretty lady gets naked, of course, and I help her into the prototype, yes? My hands sort of guiding along her body making sure that it fits properly. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know? And she feels very excited, she feels very sensual and I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good. And then, you know, we chit-chat a little bit, no big deal but she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from? I accept, you know? And then we chit-chat at her place, it's no big deal, but eventually she says, "Do you want to make love, Charlie?"
Dee Reynolds: Oh, God.
Charlie Kelly: And I say, "Are you serious? Because yes, I do." And then just boom, we're in to it and it's hot and it's passionate.
Dee Reynolds: Charlie...
Charlie Kelly: And then it's just you and me babe...
Dee Reynolds: Oh, my God.
Charlie Kelly: ...Like all night long...
Dee Reynolds: Charlie...
Charlie Kelly: ...And I satisfy her so many times. She starts screaming my name...
Dee Reynolds: Charlie!
Charlie Kelly: "Charlie!" she says...
Dee Reynolds: Charlie!
Charlie Kelly: ..."Charlie!" she says, "Charlie!" she says...
Dee Reynolds: CHARLIE, Jesus!
Charlie Kelly: Dee! What are you... I thought you had walked back over...
Dee Reynolds: No, I've been standing here the whole time!
Charlie Kelly: Look, I was in the middle of a...
Dee Reynolds: Are you going to help me with this or not?
Charlie Kelly: I'm trying to... What are you doing, because you're looking pretty...
Dee Reynolds: Oh Jesus, I'm just going to do this myself.

Dennis Reynolds: Everyone gather 'round. I have an announcement to make.
Frank Reynolds: Dennis has an announcement?
[to Mac]
Frank Reynolds: Go, now's your chance. Rant and rave.
Mac: [shouting] Gather 'round, everybody! Gather 'round, please!
Dee Reynolds: We're all standing here.
Frank Reynolds: Is this everybody?
Mac: Is this everybody?
Dee Reynolds: You know it's everybody. What are you doing?
Mac: Dennis has an announcement.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, I-I-I heard that. I'm wondering what it is.
Mac: It's an announcement!
Charlie Kelly: What's up, Dennis?
Dennis Reynolds: I have an announcement.
Dee Reynolds: OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS IT?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac & Charlie Die: Part 1 (#4.5)" (2008)
Mac: The only way that my dad is not going to kill us is if he thinks we're already dead.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, great, I hope you'd say that. Great, let's kill ourselves. Let's do it.

Dee Reynolds: [knocks on door] Charlie, open up. We got a dick hole in the bar and I need you to come fill it in.
Charlie Kelly: [sighs] Okay, I gotta go fill her dick hole, bro.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dee Reynolds: Shaping America's Youth (#6.9)" (2010)
Dee Reynolds: Don't eat trash, Charlie.
Charlie Kelly: I'll eat what I wanna eat, okay?

Principal MacIntyre: It's school policy that no one should paint their face, so that's the rule and that's the end of that.
Charlie Kelly: That's the rule.
Principal MacIntyre: Yeah.
Charlie Kelly: No wiggle room there?
Principal MacIntyre: No.
Charlie Kelly: Alright tell ya what, I'll take him down to the locker room, I'll lather him up real good, I'll strip all these silly ass clothes off him, I'm gonna clean him, sparkling clean brand new kid for ya.
Principal MacIntyre: No, no, please don't bathe the students.
Charlie Kelly: Heh, you're right. He's a big man, he can bathe himself, can't ya, Rich? Alright, he's bathing himself and I'm watching. Let's go, Richie.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens (#5.8)" (2009)
Charlie Kelly: [looking at attorney through binoculars] Oh shit, I see him. He's walking towards the car. He's walking towards the car!
Dee Reynolds: Get down!
Charlie Kelly: Why's he coming towards us?
Dee Reynolds: Get down and hold still!
Attorney: [gets in driver's seat of the car] Alright... So um, what are you people doing in my car now?

Charlie Kelly: We're both men of the law, you know? We get after it, you know, we jab a jaw, we go tit for tat, we have our little differences, but at the end of the day you win some, I win some, and there's a mutual respect left over between us.
Attorney: No, any respect that you're feeling that's coming from me is a mistake on your part.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie's Mom Has Cancer (#8.6)" (2012)
Charlie Kelly: You're telling me that you believe that Christ comes back to life every Sunday in the form of a bowl of crackers and you proceed to just eat the man?

Charlie Kelly: [to the priest] What the shit man?
Charlie's Mom: [whispers] Charlie!
Charlie Kelly: My mother is dying of cancer and you need money to fix a statue?
[Priest places hand on Charlie's mother to comfort her]
Charlie Kelly: No, no, no, no. Don't give me this act.
Mac: Charlie, calm down.
Charlie Kelly: No, no. Why don't you give us some money? How much is that ring worth? That looks like an expensive ring. Can we have the ring?
Mac: Okay. All right. I'm sorry, Father.
Charlie Kelly: This is bullshit!
Mac: I will pray for his sins. I'm sorry.
Dennis Reynolds: Hey Charlie, Charlie.
Mac: [to Charlie] What are you doing.
Dennis Reynolds: It's okay. I got this. I got this.
Charlie Kelly: What am I doing? What is HE doing?
Dennis Reynolds: Listen. Don't get all riled up about this scam or that scam, you know. It's all a big scam, okay?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah.
Dennis Reynolds: But I will say this - the church's scam? It's a pretty good one. It's effective. Look at all the money these people are giving to the church. So I say we use that model to raise money for your mom at Paddy's. Guys. Let's throw a beef and beer.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties (#7.3)" (2011)
Charlie Kelly: Someone should've worn a shirt, right?
Mac: Probably the kid.

Mort: Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry.
Frank Reynolds: Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.
[Mac and Charlie raise their hands]
Dennis Reynolds: Okay...
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?
Dee Reynolds: [raises hand] I have a...
Charlie Kelly: Who's that?
Frank Reynolds: He's the mortician. I invited him.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Stranded in the Woods (#6.11)" (2010)
Charlie Kelly: I thought women our age didn't give hickeys anymore.
Dennis Reynolds: No, they don't. Young ladies do though, and I met an extremely young lady the other day and she gave me this hickey.
Charlie Kelly: Weird.
Dennis Reynolds: She was legal, she was totally legal. I always check their lisences.

Trucker: I do not tangle with lizards no more. No. Back in the day, sure, I would've indulged. Hell, I would've let you turn me into Swiss cheese.
[chuckles]
Trucker: I would've let you make me, uh... make me into a mailbox. Just open the slot and put whatever you want inside.
Dennis Reynolds: Wow.
Charlie Kelly: We wouldn't do that.
Trucker: Not no more. I got a wife now. So I will not suck you and I will not be sucked on by you. Okay? That's it.
Dennis Reynolds: That's a 10-4.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, we read you loud and clear.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Whacked: Part 2 (#3.13)" (2007)
Charlie Kelly: I'm asking hypothetical questions here, come on.
Dee Reynolds: I'm sorry! I'm a little bit preoccupied with being worried about being killed by the mob because a homeless priest ran off with all of our drugs!

Sal: Explain to me why my wife is calling me telling me that one of Pussy Hands' friends tried to force himself on her.
Mac, Dennis Reynolds, Charlie Kelly: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Anthony: This guy?
Mac: Oh! Oh! That's crazy!
Anthony: Enough with the "oh"s!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Reignites the Rivalry (#5.12)" (2009)
Charlie Kelly: [after informing a rival bar that the gang poisoned them 10 year ago to win a flip cup tournament] Check it out... Who's to say we didn't put that very same poison in the drinking water?
Mac: [customers begin spitting out water] Everybody relax. He's lying. He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie Kelly: No, I don't have any on me. But, I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank Reynolds: There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles.
[pause]
Frank Reynolds: What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie Kelly: Well, that's mayonnaise. That's a decoy.
Frank Reynolds: And the mayo?
Charlie Kelly: That's shampoo.
Frank Reynolds: You're telling me I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie Kelly: If you're using the mayonnaise, yeah... probably.

Charlie Kelly: I'll totally pull a Good Will Hunting on those kids and that'll put 'em in their place.
Mac: How are you gonna do that?
Charlie Kelly: Well, you've seen the movie, right?
Mac: Yeah.
Charlie Kelly: So all I gotta do is I'll ask them some like big shot, like, math or science, history-type college question and then I'll totally stump them by knowing a lot more about the answer than they do.
Mac: Yeah, in that movie, Matt Damon played a genius janitor. You're just a janitor.
Charlie Kelly: ...Right.
[chuckles]
Charlie Kelly: ... Ah, you stumped me with that one.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank's Back in Business (#8.7)" (2012)
Frank Reynolds: I want this sushi dinner to be the tits.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, okay, so you want it to be, like, really expensive.
Frank Reynolds: No, I wanna eat sushi off of some Jap broad's tits!

Charlie Kelly: What does Atwater make?
Frank Reynolds: What do you mean, like, how much money does the company make?
Charlie Kelly: Oh, no, I mean *what* do we make?
Frank Reynolds: I don't follow. We make money.
Charlie Kelly: No, I know we make money. I mean, what do we create?
Frank Reynolds: We create wealth.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Hits the Road (#5.2)" (2009)
Charlie Kelly: I eat stickers all the time, dude!

Mac: [Handing Charlie a pear] Chomp into it.
Charlie Kelly: Just bite it?
Mac: Yeah.
Charlie Kelly: Okay.
Mac: Like a piece of fruit, you would bite into it...
Charlie Kelly: [Charlie bites pear] Agh! Tastes like sand.
Mac: Like sand? Oh, that-that pear's not ripe, dude.
Charlie Kelly: Ah.
Mac: He burned us. Gypsy son of a bitch burned us! Excuse me, sir? What are you doing to my friend, Bozo? You burned us. It's dry.
Fruit Vendor: You picked it out.
Mac: Well, let's not get into a whole who picked out what. It's... I want my 35 cents back. Charlie, give him the pear.
Charlie Kelly: I can't, I just ate it.
Mac: The whole thing?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah. It was pretty gross and I...
Mac: The stem and-and the core?
Charlie Kelly: You didn't tell me not to eat the stem, dude!
Mac: Did you eat the stickers that are all over it?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, it was gross!
Mac: Of course it's gross... it's a sticker, bro!
Charlie Kelly: I eat stickers all the time, dude!
Mac: Oh my god! This whole thing is a disaster. I'm going back to the car.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats (#6.10)" (2010)
Charlie Kelly: What is your spaghetti policy here?

Dee Reynolds: Hey, listen, uh, you've been really stressed, so I thought I would take you for a spa day, just you and me.
Charlie Kelly: A what day?
Dee Reynolds: A spa day.
Charlie Kelly: What is this word "spa"? I feel like you're starting to say a word and you're not finishing it. Are you trying to say "spaghetti"? Are you taking me for a spaghetti day?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire (#3.8)" (2007)
Charlie Kelly: Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude?
Mac: See, that was real news.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, we didn't distort facts. We told it like it was, you know?
Mac: Yes.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.

Mac: [in a retirement home] These places are like prisons.
Frank Reynolds: Like people getting ass raped?
Charlie Kelly: What? Oh, my God, dude. No one's getting ass raped, Frank. Come on, man.
Mac: No, it's just that people don't wanna be here, because they feel like...
Frank Reynolds: Because they're getting ass raped!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Gun Fever Too: Still Hot (#9.2)" (2013)
[in overly patriotic denim garb]
Mac: Good call on these outfits, dude.
Charlie Kelly: It's the only call.

Mac: Are there any questions?
Cool Kid: Yo, can I get some beer?
Mac: No beer.
Charlie Kelly: No... We said it, like, a million times.
Mac: Guys, how many times do we have to be through this? No beer, okay?
Charlie Kelly: All right, you know, you can't drink beer and be effective.
Cool Kid: But you guys had, like, five.
Mac: Don't count beers, Carlos. Not cool.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah. And by the way, Carlos, I've had six.
Mac: And I've had seven.
Charlie Kelly: So don't be a rat, okay? And if you are gonna be a rat, get it right.
Mac: No more questions. In fact, no more questions.
Cool Kid: You guys are the ones that asked for the questions.
Mac: Shut up, Carlos!
Charlie Kelly: Carlos, shut up!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Cracks the Liberty Bell (#4.11)" (2008)
Charlie Kelly: Why is the witch-slave shooting at you anyways?
Frank Reynolds: Maybe she used her sorcery.
Dee Reynolds: Sorcery? Your dumb-dick partner walked into the bar and said he'd stolen a bunch of guns and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. And of course I did, so here we are.
Frank Reynolds: Damn your necromancy, woman!

Charlie Kelly: [refering to a George Washington painting] Now why would you hang a painting like this on your wall?
Mac: Well, it's the Historical Society bro, they have to hang it up.
Charlie Kelly: What, we gotta suffer just 'cause some old dude who looks like Meryl Streep chopped down a cherry tree like ten million years ago? It's just, he looks terrible!
Mac: You know what? Let's take it down. It's just gonna distract us through the meeting.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, let's get it down man. It's not gonna, it's not gonna work.
Dennis Reynolds: Let's take it down. I'm gonna tear it down.
[pulls painting]
Dennis Reynolds: Unbelievable. It's bolted to the wall.
Charlie Kelly: Well that proves our point man, we're not the first people to try to take that thing down.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, well we're gonna be the first ones to actually succeed. Come on, let's tear it down, Charlie.
Charlie Kelly: Let's just rip it off the wall.
Dennis Reynolds: Rip it right off the wall...
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, guys, guys. I got a pocket knife. Just cut it out of the frame.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Rules the World (#8.8)" (2012)
Dee Reynolds: I'll make you my king. Just accept my request to consummate.
Charlie Kelly: Consummate, what is that?
Dee Reynolds: Have sex.
Charlie Kelly: Oh. So, um, we should have sex then?
Dee Reynolds: ...In the game.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, in the game. Sure, yeah. Either way. Uh, so push "enter" hard? Or one, like, slow push and you do your thing? Or a little circular action...?
Dee Reynolds: Just push the button, Charlie.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis Gets Divorced (#6.2)" (2010)
Charlie Kelly: Whoa, I bring nothing to the table? Oh, really? You ever stop for one second to think about hey, where did all the groceries come from, Frank? Oh, how did my laundry get so clean? Oh, oh, who washed all the dishes today?
Frank Reynolds: Nobody washes the dishes! We eat the food directly off the coffee table, and you know it!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Analyzed (#8.5)" (2012)
Charlie Kelly: Dennis, can I give you some advice?
Dennis Reynolds: Absolutely not.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The High School Reunion Part 2: The Gang's Revenge (#7.13)" (2011)
Dennis Reynolds: [digging through trunk] Oh, they're all gonna pay. They're all gonna pay the ultimate price!
Charlie Kelly: Whoa!
Mac: Dude, what's all that stuff you're grabbing?
Dennis Reynolds: Tools! Tools! Duct tape, zip ties and gloves! I have to have my tools!
Charlie Kelly: Wh-why do you have a bunch of, like, weird tools in a hidden compartment in your car?
Dennis Reynolds: It's fetish- it's fetish shit! I-I-I like to bind, I like to be bound!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Chardee MacDennis 2: Electric Boogaloo (#11.1)" (2016)
Charlie Kelly: [about Mac's phallic clay design] Love?
Mac: Yeah because I was making Cupid's arrow, dude.
Charlie Kelly: Why does it have a big vein running through it?
Mac: Because that's the streak as it flies through the air.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Dines Out (#8.9)" (2012)
Frank Reynolds: I know you're not as dumb as you seem.
Charlie Kelly: Well, let's just say that I am.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Invincible (#3.2)" (2007)
Charlie Kelly: I just want to get black out drunk and relax.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac's Mom Burns Her House Down (#6.6)" (2010)
Charlie Kelly: Perhaps we can get Mrs. Mac some perfume?
Dennis Reynolds: That's not a bad idea. Mrs. Mac, what d'ya say? What better way to kick off this new relationship than with a new fragrance!
Mac's Mom: Stop talkin' to me like I'm an asshole!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets a New Member (#6.8)" (2010)
Charlie Kelly: Hey, look, I'll swallow that eraser whole just to prove to you...
Principal MacIntyre: Oh, no, please.
Charlie Kelly: I'll swallow it whole!
Principal MacIntyre: No, no, no, you don't have to do that. But I have to say I don't think I've ever encountered someone who's so passionate about joining our custodial staff.
Charlie Kelly: The passion I have for the work that I do is extraordinary. It probably goes beyond janitor. And I'm serious, I'll eat that eraser whole.
Principal MacIntyre: Oh, no. It's not- you don't need to eat the eraser to prove your point. Uh, you have the job.
Charlie Kelly: Are you serious?
Principal MacIntyre: I love your attitude. It's fantastic.
Charlie Kelly: Sir, I am not gonna let you down. I mean, I am gonna start cleaning immediately, immediately! Uh, but first, can I eat the eraser?
Principal MacIntyre: Are... you're saying you want to eat the eraser?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Ass Kickers United: Mac and Charlie Join a Cult (#10.10)" (2015)
Jojo: [using the "guilt stresser" machine] Where do my feet go? Dee?
Charlie Kelly: Dee, his feet?
Dee Reynolds: It doesn't make a goddamn difference.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac Kills His Dad (#10.7)" (2015)
Charlie Kelly: Mom, if you know something, you got to tell me.
Bonnie Kelly: I can't lie to my Charlie.
Charlie Kelly: Good! Tell me everything.
Bonnie Kelly: Okay. They were both here. They were both inside me. Eduardo was in my mouth, and Luther was in my butt.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, my God, no, don't tell me everything. What? No! What?
Mrs. Mac: Dammit, Bonnie.
Mac: Eduardo who?
Bonnie Kelly: Sanchez.
Mac: Holy shit. Tell us more.
Bonnie Kelly: Then Luther went in Eduardo's butt for a while.
Mac: Tell us less. Tell us less.
Bonnie Kelly: Then they both "completed" on each other. I-I was left out of the finale.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Chardee MacDennis: The Game of Games (#7.7)" (2011)
Charlie Kelly: Tails never fails!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Group Dates (#10.2)" (2015)
Charlie Kelly: We can't talk about snakes or smells, what else is there?
Mac: Uh, can you put Jews in the "yes" column? I feel like we gotta get it out in the open.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Who Pooped the Bed? (#4.7)" (2008)
College Student: [dissecting poop] Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.
Dennis Reynolds: Alright, well now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?
Charlie Kelly: It's gonna go both ways dude, sorry.
Dennis Reynolds: Really?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, what else? What else?
College Student: This appears to be a piece of a credit card.
Frank Reynolds: Inconclusive.
Dennis Reynolds: How is that not specific to one of you?
Charlie Kelly: I wish it was man, but that's inconclusive.
College Student: Oh boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool. Whoever's it is should see a doctor.
Charlie Kelly: Well, don't give us judgements, just tell us what's in there. What's in there, what else?
College Student: Is this wolf hair?
Frank Reynolds: Also inconclusive.
Dennis Reynolds: Jesus Christ!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Spies Like U.S. (#10.5)" (2015)
Charlie Kelly: Let me make a... cream pie... for you, okay? Then you can try it. See what you think.
Dennis Reynolds: I do not want to taste your cream pie.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Buys a Boat (#6.3)" (2010)
Charlie Kelly: All right, toss me the keys!
Frank Reynolds: Here ya go.
[throws keys into the water]
Charlie Kelly: What the hell was that?
Frank Reynolds: That's the keys, I threw 'em right at ya!
Charlie Kelly: I asked you to toss 'em, you threw 'em overhand!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Thunder Gun Express (#7.11)" (2011)
Charlie Kelly: See the thing is if a wall of water comes through, it's actually pretty sweet to be naked 'cause then you can hold your clothes up, you know, and then that piss and shit just kinda flows over you. It's more refreshing than you think.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Work (#10.4)" (2015)
Charlie Kelly: For the love of God, find a shirt! Find a shirt, Frank!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The D.E.N.N.I.S. System (#5.10)" (2009)
Charlie Kelly: I don't know. I did everything right and I can't get past the letter D, dude.
Dennis Reynolds: What did you do exactly?
Charlie Kelly: I broke into her place, I ripped her sink apart, I brought a bag of hair, you know what I mean? And I come across looking like a total jerk!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Goes on Family Fight (#10.8)" (2015)
Mac: Okay, I'm afraid of game show rules.
Dee Reynolds: You guys, I know what it is. It's failure.
Dennis Reynolds: That's too pathetic.
Frank Reynolds: Liberal yahoos taking my guns.
Dennis Reynolds: That-that is a political firestorm, Frank. No!
Charlie Kelly: Oh, oh! The Nightman.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Paddy's Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia (#4.8)" (2008)
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, it's a new review by Korman!
Dee Reynolds: [clears throat] "I woke up in my neighbor's bed with a head wound, yesterday's paper, and an empty bottle of sleeping pills and my nightmare in that putrid shithole of a bar Paddy's Pub finally, mercifully came to an end. The owners all deserve to rot in jail, though having to spend every day with each other in that vile establishment is a decidedly greater punishment. That is why I decided not to press charges, leaving them to live in the hell on earth they've created for themselves for the rest of their pathetic and miserable lives."
Mac: Ouch.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, really raked us over the coals there, didn't he?
Mac: Not a good review.
Dennis Reynolds: It's not a good review.
Charlie Kelly: He went right for the throat.
Dennis Reynolds: He sure did. Hey listen, at least he didn't mention our names.
Mac: Yeah, and no pressing charges which is great.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, right, no charges, no names.
Dennis Reynolds: No charges, no names, that's good.
Dee Reynolds: ...I don't know why but I'm a little irritated that he didn't mention my name. I work here!
Charlie Kelly: You feel like he would mention our name, right?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm incredibly annoyed that he didn't mention my name.
Mac: I wish I could live with this but I can't...
Charlie Kelly: It's a story about us!
Mac: I feel like we gotta go talk to him again.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac Day (#9.5)" (2013)
Charlie Kelly: Seven straight hours of lecturing?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, and five hours alone dedicated to the evils of homosexuality, from him?
Dee Reynolds: Did anyone else notice that he had an erection the entire time?
Charlie Kelly: Of course.
Frank Reynolds: How could you miss it?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Maureen Ponderosa Wedding Massacre (#8.3)" (2012)
Charlie Kelly: Zombies... I've seen it once before in a rat, and I see it now in men. Once one gets a taste for its own kind, it can spread through the pack like a wildfire. Mindlessly chomping and biting at their own hinds. Nothing but the taste of flesh on their minds. You know the thing about a rat? It's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes like a doll's eyes. Don't seem to be living at all when it come at ya. Till it bites ya. And then the eyes roll over white. You don't hear nothing but the screaming and the hollering...


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac's Big Break (#6.4)" (2010)
Mac: [holding a hockey stick] All of my instincts and my training tell me to use this as a weapon.
Charlie Kelly: All of your instincts and your training are wrong.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank Retires (#10.9)" (2015)
Charlie Kelly: Mac, why the hell did you sprint ahead of me, man?
Mac: Oh, 'cause I'm playing both sides.
Dennis Reynolds: Jesus Christ.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank Falls Out the Window (#11.2)" (2016)
Mac: This time it'll be you and I that bang the strippers.
Charlie Kelly: Right. Why do you want to bang them, oh, because it's 2006 and you're still into women. Crazy
Mac: Huh?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac's Banging the Waitress (#4.4)" (2008)
Mac: You can have more than one best friend, right?
Dennis Reynolds: Absolutely! Absolutely.
Charlie Kelly: Yeeeah, the three best friends!
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, the Three Amigos!
Charlie Kelly: Uh, the three, um...
Dennis Reynolds: Musketeers!
Mac: Blind mice!
Charlie Kelly: The three...
Mac: Stooges.
Dennis Reynolds: I don't wanna be associated with those...
Charlie Kelly: I wanna, I wanna get one! Uh...
Mac: There's another one out there.
[Charlie struggles]
Mac: Move past it!
Charlie Kelly: I can't get it! All right!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Recycles Their Trash (#8.2)" (2012)
Dennis Reynolds: Guys, we're forsaking the group dynamic, okay? And truthfully, Charlie, come on. I mean, nobody wants a wild card, okay? It doesn't make any sense. We don't want a maniac in our group. There's no benefit to it.
Charlie Kelly: Mm-hmm.
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, I feel like you just agreed with me but you weren't listening to what I was saying.
Charlie Kelly: Yes...
[points to Mac and Dennis]
Mac: You pointed at me like I said something but I didn't.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, good.
Mac: Charlie, having someone making wild decisions that make no sense, that benefits nobody.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, yes. Right, yes.
Dennis Reynolds: Is he listen...?
Mac: He's listening. He's not understanding.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, he doesn't even, like, get us, man. It's...
Dennis Reynolds: We're talking about you!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Quarantined (#9.7)" (2013)
Dennis Reynolds: [on phone] Yeah, all right, well, what was the name on the order?
[laughs]
Dennis Reynolds: Spider-Man. That's very clever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Frank Reynolds: Dennis, ask him how it's possible for him to talk to you through a cut phone wire.
Dennis Reynolds: How is it possible for you to talk to me through a cut ph...
Frank Reynolds: [holds up cord] I cut it when I found the pizza.
Charlie Kelly: Holy shit. Dennis is Spider-Man.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Got Molested (#1.7)" (2005)
Liam McPoyle: So, do you want a beverage of some sort?
Charlie Kelly: No... where's your brother, dude?
Liam McPoyle: We just stepped out of the shower. He'll be down in a minute.
Charlie Kelly: Alright, listen. You guys can't go... did you just say "we"?
Liam McPoyle: What?
Charlie Kelly: Did you just say "We just stepped out of the shower"?
Liam McPoyle: ... I said he.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Pop-Pop: The Final Solution (#8.1)" (2012)
Mac: [wearing goggles] Now I can determine a subject's threat level without him being able to feel my retinal assessment.
Charlie Kelly: Which is a great advantage because the guy can't see how scared Mac is.
Mac: Yes, and- No, that's not what it's about.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, I thought you were scared every time...
Mac: That's classified!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac and Charlie Write a Movie (#5.11)" (2009)
Mac: He always puts some like awesome twist at the end of his movies to trick the audience.
Charlie Kelly: Aw yeah, yeah, like in The Sixth Sense you find out that the dude in that hair piece the whole time, that's Bruce Willis the whole movie.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore (#7.2)" (2011)
Charlie Kelly: Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie Kelly: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank Reynolds: Europe.
Charlie Kelly: Now how long would it take...
Dennis Reynolds: Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie Kelly: *Don't* swim to Europe...
Frank Reynolds: Do not.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender (#3.11)" (2007)
Frank Reynolds: Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman to... to cook for me, and clean up after me, and somebody that will do everything I say.
Charlie Kelly: Well, that's just a maid. You want a maid?
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, that's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Storm of the Century (#7.6)" (2011)
Charlie Kelly: The Mexicans predicted that the world was gonna end in 2012.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank's Pretty Woman (#7.1)" (2011)
Charlie Kelly: Ahh, I swallowed like a million blood capsulettes, 'cause I was gonna cough like, you know, a handful of blood, to make it real, and now I'm thinkin' like you're not supposed to eat them or something, 'cause they're making me really sick.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Who Got Dee Pregnant? (#6.7)" (2010)
Dennis Reynolds: You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.
Charlie Kelly: He eats theater people.
Dennis Reynolds: No, he doesn't.
Mac: I think he might.
Frank Reynolds: He does.
Dennis Reynolds: And I'm surprised you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is.
Mac: He might not.
Frank Reynolds: He doesn't.
Charlie Kelly: No, I don't. I don't.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Flowers for Charlie (#9.8)" (2013)
Charlie Kelly: You see, I just realized that I have two ears, so it's a waste to only listen to one thing.
Dennis Reynolds: Let me get this straight. You just realized that you have two ears?