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Quotes for
Mac (Character)
from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (2005)

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"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass (#2.9)" (2006)
Dennis: See? This is what it was like to have a bar in New Orleans, bro!
Mac: Oh, man, New Orleans really had their shit figured out!
Dennis: They totally had their shit figured out! Yeah, except for the levees.
Mac: Right, yeah, except for the levees.

Mac: I say we hit the sorority houses, start passing out some flyers...
Dennis Reynolds: We need to go the library. At sorority houses you're going to find nothing but tramps and whores.
Mac: Perfect.
Dennis Reynolds: You're not listening. We don't want wild girls. We want good girls gone wild. It's important to see the transition, watch the process...

Mac: Well, then, what would you say?
Dennis Reynolds: She's a quitter.
Dee Reynolds: You know what, I don't even care! I don't care.
Dennis Reynolds: And that proves my point. Because you don't care, you never succeed.
Mac: Right. Failed.
Dennis Reynolds: Failure implies that she actually *tried* to be an actor.
Dee Reynolds: Okay, I did try, it just didn't happen to work out.
Frank Reynolds: It's not your fault, sweetie. You're just not pretty enough.
Dee Reynolds: Wow, thank you! That's my dad, everybody.

Dennis Reynolds: If Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
Charlie Kelly: You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution, man.
Mac: Uh, he knows more than you two un-American freedom haters.
Dennis Reynolds: Thank you.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Eww, we hate it.
Dennis Reynolds: You hate it.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, *I'm* un-American?
Frank Reynolds: You're practically a Viet Cong.

Mac: [listening to Frank's Vietnamese music] This music sounds like whales raping each other.

Dennis Reynolds: The t-shirts are working.
Mac: Isn't that amazing? You ask to see a woman's breasts on the street, you get slapped. You give her a free t-shirt and videotape it and the clothes come right off.
Dennis Reynolds: I love this country.

Frank Reynolds: Do we have any sharp knives?
Mac: What?
Dennis Reynolds: What?
Frank Reynolds: These guys are maniacs! They want to start betting fingers.
Dennis Reynolds: Fingers!
Mac: What are you talking about?
Frank Reynolds: If Alan loses this hand, he's gonna start chopping off his fingers. I've never seen anything like it in my life!
Mac: Okay, this has gone way too far.
Dennis Reynolds: This is getting ridiculous. Dad, your friends have got to go!
Frank Reynolds: Bullshit!
Mac: You are *killing* our freedom, man!
Frank Reynolds: This is what freedom's all about. I'm living on the edge!

Dee Reynolds: I am not a failure!
Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.
Mac: Dee is a failure.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Nightman Cometh (#4.13)" (2008)
Mac: But who versus? Who are we doing it versus?

Mac: Stage freeze!
Dennis Reynolds: Don't say stage freeze, just do it.

Dennis Reynolds: Charlie, I got a question for you. Who's playing this Lead Boy?
Charlie Kelly: That's gonna be Mac.
Mac: What? Oh, yeah! Lead, of course.
Dennis Reynolds: Who's playing the Dayman?
Charlie Kelly: Well, the Lead Boy becomes the Dayman when he defeats the Nightman, so it's also Mac.
Mac: Two parts? Oh, yeah!

Mac: I've changed my mind, I'm playing the Nightman!
Dennis Reynolds: Why would you wanna play the Nightman?
Mac: The Nightman's badass, dude. He has the eyes of a cat and does karate across the stage.
Charlie Kelly: Where are you getting that from? Karate?
Mac: I made that up, man. It's gonna be great.
Dennis Reynolds: This is great. That frees up the Lead Boy role and the Dayman role. I can play both those.
Charlie Kelly: No, I don't want you guys switching roles. That's not how it works.
Mac: Hey Frank, you got a guy that does cat eyes?
Frank Reynolds: [on phone] I'm already on it.

Mac: You want me to cross the stage?
Charlie Kelly: Yes.
Mac: [starts doing karate] All right. This is a great opportunity to showcase some skills and, like, just put on a clinic.
Charlie Kelly: I would rather you didn't.

Dennis Reynolds: I was hearing a lot of laughs out there, bro.
Mac: Laughs are cheap. I'm going for gasps.

Mac: [lifts Dennis' legs] Gimme that leg, boy.
Dennis Reynolds: No...
[Frank throws blanket on top of them]
Dennis Reynolds: Dude, do you have a boner right now?
Mac: Shut up, dude. Don't ruin this for me.

Mac: Where's the boy?
Dennis Reynolds: The boy is gone.
Mac: You can't tell me what to do.
Dennis Reynolds: N- I didn't tell you what to- You're skipping a line, dude.
Mac: Yeah, uh... You can't tell me what to do.
Dennis Reynolds: You're still skipping the same line.
Mac: Just move past it 'cause I can't remember...
Dennis Reynolds: God, it's crazy how much better I am at acting than you.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare (#2.3)" (2006)
Mac: [after Charlie closes the window on Dennis and Dee] Driver, we're through here.
[Everyone starts laughing]

Frank Reynolds: Well, if we're gonna do something like this, we gotta make sure we don't abuse anybody.
Charlie Kelly: No, I mean I know what it's like to grow up poor. You know, we gotta treat people with respect.
Mac: Respect is the name of the game. Respect is number one!
Charlie Kelly: It's the name of almost every game.
Mac: Absolutely because we understand the plight of the worker.
Charlie Kelly: Plight...
Mac: Respect.
Charlie Kelly: Respect the plight. What d'ya think, Frank?
Frank Reynolds: I'm good, go get us some slaves.

Mac: You guys have nothing outside this bar.
Dennis Reynolds: Don't worry Mac, we'll be just fine.
[cut to title "Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare"]

Mac: Unemployment runs out, what are you gonna do then?
Dennis Reynolds: Well then we'll just go on welfare.
Mac: Welfare is for people who need it, like drug addicts and single mothers. It's not for over privileged pieces of shit who want to waste millions in taxpayer dollars...
Dennis Reynolds: [turns music on and begins singing] OH BABY YOU/ YOU GOT WHAT I NEEEEEDD!

Mac: [looking over prospective employees at the welfare office] What about that one? He seems strong. Look at those massive thighs.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah those are good thighs, but you're gonna have a problem with work ethic.
Mac: That's what I'm talking about dude, you can't be saying things like that.
Charlie Kelly: No dude, I'm not saying that 'cause he's black, I'm saying 'cause he's asleep in his chair.

Charlie Kelly: All I'm saying is that slaves is not a racist term. Look throughout history many people have been slaves. There have been Jewish slaves, Italian slaves, Asian slaves.
Mac: Yes Charlie but you have to realize that in this country it's a sensitive issue.

Frank Reynolds: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls stealing my money. This shows leadership. I am promoting you to management.
Charlie Kelly: That's why I did it. That is why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank Reynolds: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Dee Reynolds: How come Charlie...? Not fair... How come Charlie...?
Dennis Reynolds: Why would you do this to us, Dad?
Frank Reynolds: Because you are crackheads, children.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Underage Drinking: A National Concern (#1.3)" (2005)
Dennis Reynolds: What the hell is going on?
Charlie Kelly: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kanallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timny at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Henebry, but he doesn't like Erin Henebry, it was all a bunch of bull.
Dee Reynolds: [wanders over] What is happening?
Charlie Kelly: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because...
Mac: Okay, you know what, Charlie? You gotta stop, honestly.

Charlie Kelly: Remember how great high school was? All those parties, no responsibilities...
Mac: High school was the best.
Dennis Reynolds: Do you guys even remember high school? I don't think it happened the way you think.
Mac: What do you mean?
Dennis Reynolds: What I mean Mac, is that the only reason you got to hang out with me and the other cool kids is because you sold us all weed. Everybody thought that you were an asshole.
Mac: I was popular!
Charlie Kelly: What are you talking about? Mac was very popular. And I like to think that I was pretty popular myself.
Mac: You were!
Dennis Reynolds: No, he was. You were popular like a... like a clown is popular.
Charlie Kelly: What?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you made us all laugh, and all the guys knew that you couldn't sleep with their girlfriends.
Mac: Whatever dude. The only reason you got laid is because you dated freshmen.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've always had that creepy thing with younger girls.
Dennis Reynolds: I do not.
Charlie Kelly: You're not in high school anymore, pal. So you better keep it in your pants, because it's kind of creepy.
Dennis Reynolds: You want to know what's creepy? You guys sniffing glue in your mom's basement, Charlie. That's creepy.
[Mac and Charlie become quiet]
Charlie Kelly: [after a long pause] Tim Murphy slept with your prom date.

Charlie Kelly: [interrupting Billy arguing with Sara] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Give me some eyes! Look at me! Cool your jets!
Billy: I'm sorry.
Charlie Kelly: All right, beat it!
[Charlie pushes Billy away]
Charlie Kelly: [talking to Sara] Are you okay?
Sara: He's such a player.
Charlie Kelly: Is he a player?
Sara: Big time.
Charlie Kelly: I hate players. All right, I'm sorry. I'm getting fired up here.
[Charlie walks away with Mac]
Mac: Charlie, that was the coolest thing you've ever done!
Charlie Kelly: I know. I'm gonna be sick.

Mac: These kids are wasted, bro. I thought we were cutting them off?
Dennis Reynolds: I am cutting them off, these kids havent had more than three drinks each. Plus, theres so much water in them, they're probably more hydrated than they ever have been in there entire lives.

Mac: I'm telling you, this is the wrong kind of glue Charlie. This is made for, like, Kindergarteners. Look; "Non-toxic and safe," we don't want safe, we want toxic.

Dee Reynolds: Trey asked me to prom last night. This is getting really weird.
Charlie Kelly: That girl Sarah asked me too.
Dee Reynolds: Are you kidding?
Mac: What? We can't go to the prom, thats pathetic.
Charlie Kelly: What do you mean "we"? Who asked you?

Charlie Kelly: Look how much fun they're having, man.
Mac: Of course they are, they haven't realized how much life sucks yet.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Dances Their Asses Off (#3.15)" (2007)
Mac: [while dancing] Shouldn't have gotten knocked out of the competition ya old bitch!

Frank Reynolds: Employee evaluation. This bar is a business, and we're gonna start acting like one.
Mac: Yeah, well, I DON'T want to start acting like a business, 'cause that sounds boring as shit.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, and this thing's, like, ten pages long, so you know what? I'm not gonna read it.
Frank Reynolds: Well, then, that's gonna affect your rank!
Dennis Reynolds: Rank?
Frank Reynolds: I put us all in a ranking system so you'd all care about your jobs.
Dennis Reynolds: Are we ranked now?
Frank Reynolds: Yes, you are.
Dennis Reynolds: Where am I ranked?
Frank Reynolds: Second, after me.
Mac: Wait, what about me?
Frank Reynolds: You're third.
Mac: WHAT? Why am I third?
Frank Reynolds: Too volatile.
Mac: BULLSHIT! That's BULLSHIT!

[about the dance 'contest']
Dee Reynolds: Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie Kelly: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee Reynolds: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank Reynolds: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie Kelly: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Dee Reynolds: [about the dance 'contest'] Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie Kelly: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee Reynolds: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank Reynolds: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie Kelly: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Dennis Reynolds: Tire her out with your spastic movements.
Mac: I'll tire her out with my awesome movements.

Mac: [sees Frank and company grilling outside] What the hell is going on out here?
Frank Reynolds: We're makin' brownies...
Matthew 'Rickety Cricket' Mara: The drug-filled kind.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person (#3.9)" (2007)
Charlie Kelly: [singing with his band] Night Man, sneaky and mean / Spider inside my dreams / I think I love you / You make me want to cry / You make me want to die / I love you / I love you / I love you / I love you / I love you Night Man / Every night you come into my room and pin me down / With your strong arms you pin me down / And I try to fight you / You come inside me / And fill me up and I become the...
Mac: [cuts him off] Whoa whoa, Charlie. Okay the first part of that song was kinda cool but what's up with the second part?
Charlie Kelly: Well it's about the Night Man and how he comes inside me and I like become him, you know I become the spirit of the Night Man
Mac: Yeah? Cause it sounds like a song where a guy breaks into your house and rapes you!
Charlie Kelly: What? No. Where are you getting that from? Here' let me play the rest
[starts singing again]
Charlie Kelly: It's just two men sharing the night/ It might seem wrong but it's just right/ It's just two men sharing each other/ It's just two men like loving brothers/ One on top and one on bottom/ One is inside and one is out/ One is screaming he's so happy/ The other's screaming a passionate shout/ It's the Night Man/ The feeling so wrong and right man/ The feeling so wrong and... / I can't fight you Night Man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the niiiiiiight/ The passionate, passionate Night Man!

Dennis Reynolds: What the hell is this? A page from a coloring book?
Mac: It's a song Charlie wrote. It's called Nightman. Skip all the raping parts and get on the stage.

Mac: [referring to band] You're not in it.
Dennis Reynolds: Why am I not in it? I have a great voice.
Mac: You do have a great voice. You know what man, you have an excellent voice. The problem is that you're like into all of that early eighties glam rock fem shit and that's not the artistic direction that I want to take the band in.
Dennis Reynolds: Artistic direction? You guys don't even play instruments.
Mac: Well that doesn't matter, does it? Because it's all about rocking and looking good and kicking ass.
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, he's right. It's all about image and marketing. I mean, there are no band out there with any musical ability.
Mac: Frank, I like the way you think. You're in the band!

Charlie Kelly: Whoa dude, what are you doing? That's my good chair!
Mac: Charlie, it's covered in bird shit.
Charlie Kelly: No... it's toothpaste.
Mac: It's clearly bird shit.
Charlie Kelly: No, it's not. It's toothpaste.
Mac: Do you even own a toothbrush?

Charlie Kelly: Hey, Dee, does that guy have, like, a... like, a little hand?
Mac: Charlie, I was gonna say his foot looks small.

Guitar Salesman: You got a graphite reinforced neck, 35 inch scale, two humbuckers...
Mac: Yeah guy, move over six inches.
Guitar Salesman: Oh, yeah. Um, so it's a...
Mac: [sees self in mirror] That's it. Shut up.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Gets Crippled (#2.1)" (2006)
Wayne: What's up guys?
Mac: I have polio.
Wayne: Oh. Ok...
Dennis Reynolds: I have polio too.
Wayne: Alright...
[Mac and Dennis roll away]

[repeated line]
Mac: Hey-o! What's up, bitches?

Wayne: [shouting while in a wheelchair] Hey guys!
Mac: [pretending to be handicapped with Dennis] Shit, what do we do?
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, okay. Just play it cool, man.
Mac: Play it cool.
Dennis Reynolds: [to Wayne] Hey.
Wayne: Hey. How's it going?
Mac: [blurting out] I have polio.
Wayne: Oh. Uh, okay.
Dennis Reynolds: [slowly] And I have polio...
Mac: [blurting out again, interrupting him] He has polio, too.
Wayne: All right, um...
[Mac and Dennis slowly back away]

Mac: Oh, look at Sweet Dee, sitting on her cloud of judgement, handing down life lessons to all the sinners.

Charlie Kelly: Let's flip a coin, the loser leaves.
Mac: Okay.
Charlie Kelly: Get a coin.
Mac: I don't have a coin! Gimme a coin. You have a coin?
Charlie Kelly: Of course I don't have a coin.
Mac: Alright, let's flip something else.
Charlie Kelly: Alright, uh...
Mac: Something in the hallway... a feather?
Charlie Kelly: Look, that piece of wood.
Mac: That's not gonna work.
Charlie Kelly: What about something off the chair?
Mac: Yeah, maybe we'll just break something off this chair.
[Mac starts kicking the wheel off Charlie's wheelchair]
Charlie Kelly: Don't break it too much. It's a rental, dude.

Mac: Being handicapped sucks, dude.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh yeah, man. It's too much work, there's like nothing to show for it.
Mac: Yeah, there's like no advantages!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis (#4.2)" (2008)
Mac: We're getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies. With their 10-gallon hats and their rotten ass-plowing hearts.

Dennis Reynolds: [trying to persuade a bank clerk to give them a loan] You know, I just had a crazy thought. How's about I take you to the back and "change your mind"?
Charlie Kelly: Or how about we all go in the back and have great sex?
Dennis Reynolds: What are you doing?
Charlie Kelly: Hm? I'm playing the wild card here, man, so...
Mac: No, dude. Just let Dennis do his thing, okay?
Charlie Kelly: I can be very sensual with a woman, all right? You will enjoy it.
Dennis Reynolds: Now is not the right time to pull the wild card, okay? Let me do my thing. Let me do the seducing.
Mac: Look, let Dennis bang her so we can get our loan.
Charlie Kelly: Well, here's a scenario. What if she wanted to bang me, or you for that matter...
Dennis Reynolds: You can't pull the wild card when I already have my shirt off. That should be a rule. Can that be a rule?
Mac: Yes, that's a rule.
Charlie Kelly: Well, your shirt's not off.
Dennis Reynolds: [takes off shirt] Well, now it is, goddammit, bitch. Back off.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, yeah?
[takes off shirt]
Charlie Kelly: Oh, wow, now, baby!
Dennis Reynolds: Come on, man! This is my job!
Mac: [takes off shirt] Now I feel like I should do it.
Dennis Reynolds: What are you doing? Goddammit. Well, okay, so...
Mac: Why don't you decide? Which one of us do you want to take you in the back and bang you?

Mac: [panicking] Guys, why aren't the brakes working?
Charlie Kelly: Because I cut the brakes! Wild card, bitches! Yeeee-haw!
[jumps out of truck]

Mac: And you know what, Charlie? You shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay? You're not the decision making type. As the brains of this organization, I should've made this decision.
Dennis Reynolds: Hey, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?
Mac: Uh... I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.
Dennis Reynolds: What? What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?
Mac: You're the looks.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, yeah, of course I'm the looks, but I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.
Mac: No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie's the wild card.
Charlie Kelly: Whoa. That's awesome!
Mac: Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wild card. Think about it. The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, shit.

Female Bank Clerk: All right. And what is the reason you're requesting a loan today?
Mac: Wait for it. Gasoline.
Female Bank Clerk: Excuse me?
Mac: Don't rush me.
Dennis Reynolds: Don't rush him.
Mac: Thank you, I feel rushed. Look, here's the plan. You give us a shitload of money, we buy a shitload of gasoline. We wait 12 months, we sell the gasoline, and make a shitload of profit.
Female Bank Clerk: Gentlemen, we tend to give loans to businesses, not, um...
Mac: She's not getting it. Get the graph.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh yeah, the graph.
Mac: We have a graph.
Dennis Reynolds: [holds up graph] Yeah, check this out. Now these are the gas prices last year, these are the gas prices this year, and this is what the gas prices will be.
Female Bank Clerk: [indicating women drawings] And what are those?
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, these are gorgeous women with heaving breasts.
Female Bank Clerk: Why?
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, well, to be perfectly honest, we sort of thought we'd be speaking to a man today, so...
Mac: Yeah. Is there any way that we could talk to your boss? Because I think he would understand more better.
Female Bank Clerk: My boss is a woman.
Mac: Really?
Dennis Reynolds: Your boss is a woman? Now this is a strange bank.
Female Bank Clerk: Okay, well, I am definitely rejecting your request for $300,000 to buy gasoline.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis (#5.1)" (2009)
Charlie Kelly: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!
Dennis Reynolds: What guy?
Charlie Kelly: That lawyer guy, okay? He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction from him.
Mac: You want him to bang you?
Charlie Kelly: Uh. No, Mac. Be serious, okay? He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers, all right? Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened.
[shows the gang a history book]
Charlie Kelly: Take a look at this picture. What do you see?
Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other.
Charlie Kelly: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.
Dennis Reynolds: Now, how do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?
Charlie Kelly: [slams book] 'Cause it's an old book, okay? I don't have to explain everything to you about what I know! I'm trying to... get satisfied... from this dude... and you're trying to... I'm getting satisfied. I don't care.

Mac: Your mom and dad aren't at work. That's probably why they lost the house. They're probably at the track getting wasted.

Dennis Reynolds: Look, okay. Absolutely, we could cave the husband's skull in here. Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzied free-for-all with her. We could tie the little kids up in their little rooms upstairs so they wouldn't hear any of it.
Mac: Dennis, in that scenario, we'd have to kill the kids 'cause they've would've seen our faces.
Dennis Reynolds: Right, we could smear the walls with their blood. Guys, there are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here. But I think the easiest thing, really, is to just go get the deed.
Charlie Kelly: Right. Why get weird?

Dennis Reynolds: [pretending he and Mac are a gay couple] I'm the breadwinner in the relationship.
Mac: And I'm the trophy husband. He's my bottom.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh! Well, I'm the power bottom. Technically, I generate most of the power.
Mac: Only because I'm giving out so much power from the top.

Mac: We're the wealthy homosexual couple that she promised her womb too.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad (#2.10)" (2006)
Mac: What in the hell is a MySpace page?
Dee Reynolds: It's like that friends forum.
Dennis Reynolds: Dude, these things are actually pretty awesome. You create a profile, and then you put your picture on there, and then other people send you pictures of themselves and they want to be your friend.
Mac: Wow, so that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You guys are losers.
Dennis Reynolds: How are we losers, dude?
Mac: Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: computers are for losers.
Dennis Reynolds: And you're drinking a beer at 8 o'clock in the morning.
Mac: Whatever, dude, irrelevant.

Dennis Reynolds: It's 8 o'clock in the morning and you're drinking a beer.
Mac: Hey, that's how we roll. Go with it.

Charlie Kelly: Oh, this is such bullshit. So you guys have two dads and I don't even have one!
Mac: Yeah, that is bullshit, we don't even have one.
Charlie Kelly: What are you talking about? You have a father!
Mac: Yeah, but he's in prison, Charlie, and he's been there my whole life. It doesn't count.

Mac: Charlie, this is our opportunity to prove to people that we are to be respected. No one is more respected than dudes in prison right?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah.
Mac: And what are dudes in prison?
Charlie Kelly: Hard?
Mac: Right; this is our chance to get hard.
Charlie Kelly: OK OK i just don't know if this is the best way to get hard.
Mac: Of course it is, this is totally hard. Look you want to get hard don't you?
Charlie Kelly: I want to get hard. I want to get very very hard.
Mac: Alright, do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie Kelly: Dude I don't want to shove anything in my ass.
Mac: Alright this is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are and not have to shove anything into our asses.
Frank Reynolds: What in Gods name are you two talking about?
Mac: Frank we're in.
Frank Reynolds: Great!
[Fires Gun]

Mac: Do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie Kelly: Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my ass!
Mac: All right! This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are, and not have to shove anything up our asses!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Goes on Family Fight (#10.8)" (2015)
Dennis Reynolds: All right, listen, this is Family Fight. This is a nationally televised program. This is a very big deal for us, okay? We're talking... What are you doing? Are you stealing an ashtray right now?
Mac: Yeah.
Dennis Reynolds: Why? We have ashtrays, and you don't even smoke.

Mac: [to Grant] But either way, I was always the odd man out, you know? I mean, you know.

Mac: Show me... cow!
Grant Anderson: Nope, that's me. I say that word. I say the "show me" part. You just give me the answer. Okay, Ronald?
Mac: Right, I'm sorry. Show me c...
Grant Anderson: Don't say "show me." Don't say it. Just say the answer.
Mac: Show... show me... is the part I say?
Grant Anderson: Here's the one thing... there's only one thing in the whole world at this moment you shouldn't say: "show me." So just give me the answer, and then I'll say sh... You know what, go ahead and do it. Just go ahead and do it, then.
Mac: Do what?
Grant Anderson: Mother of... Show me cow!

Grant Anderson: Name something that people are afraid of.
Frank Reynolds: [clears throat] We're gonna go with...
Mac: Wait, wait, wait, Frank. You have to say it in the form of a question.
Frank Reynolds: What is...?
Grant Anderson: No, you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't have to do that 'cause it's not Jeopardy. All right?
Mac: Ah, it's not Jeopardy. Say "show me," Frank.
Grant Anderson: Don't say "show me," Frank. Just say the word. Just say the word.
Frank Reynolds: Show me clowns!

Mac: Okay, I'm afraid of game show rules.
Dee Reynolds: You guys, I know what it is. It's failure.
Dennis Reynolds: That's too pathetic.
Frank Reynolds: Liberal yahoos taking my guns.
Dennis Reynolds: That-that is a political firestorm, Frank. No!
Charlie Kelly: Oh, oh! The Nightman.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life (#4.9)" (2008)
Mac: Let's talk stigmatas.

Frank Reynolds: I brought a nail gun.
Dennis Reynolds: Is that what that is? You're not gonna shoot nails in me!
Mac: No, I think a couple of severe burns from the cigar is what's gonna do the trick.
Frank Reynolds: No, no, no, you need deep wounds. This'll give you deep wounds.

Philadelphia Soul Executive: So Mr. Reynolds, you're interested in buying our arena football team.
Frank Reynolds: Big time! But I wanna do business with Mr. Von Joni himself.
Philadelphia Soul Executive: Bon Jovi.
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, Mr. Bovine Joni himself. I'm offering $40 million for the team.
Philadelphia Soul Executive: Wow, well that is a very generous offer but, uh, I must admit I'm a little confused about one thing.
Frank Reynolds: What's confusing about $40 million? That's a shitload of money.
Philadelphia Soul Executive: It is, it is. I'm a little confused as to why you've chosen to involve this gentleman here.
Mac: [in a wheelchair wearing a bald cap] Well, if I may, I'd like to explain to you why I'm here. Uh, ma'am, I am dying of very terminal cancer and I would like to request a private bedside concert from Mr. Bon Jovi. Now Sambora's presence is not necessary but it would be nice if he was involved. Question, is this a laser pointer?
Philadelphia Soul Executive: Yes.
Mac: Can I have it?
Philadelphia Soul Executive: No.
Mac: I'm gonna take it anyway.

[Frank's fooling around with a laser pointer during a movie]
Mac: Shine it on his dick, shine it on his dick!

Frank Reynolds: You better not lose your hair 'cause you're an ugly bald man.
Mac: Not as ugly as you, bitch!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Whacked: Part 2 (#3.13)" (2007)
Mac: Frank, he cannot bang this woman. It's the mob boss's wife.
Frank Reynolds: Oh, what do you think she's gonna do, call her husband and say she's bangin' a whore? Dennis, up those stairs!

Mac: Frank, put the gun away.
Frank Reynolds: Oh, no! I'm goin' out, I'm goin' guns blazin'.

Sal: I need you to go over to my house and... take care of my wife.
Mac: You mean like rub her out?
Sal: No!
Mac: You want me to bang her?

Sal: [after being paid] Okay. Well, that was close.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, it seemed close.
Mac: It got a little stressful there.
Johnny: A little tense.
Mac: "Tense" is an excellent word for what happened.

Sal: Explain to me why my wife is calling me telling me that one of Pussy Hands' friends tried to force himself on her.
Mac, Dennis Reynolds, Charlie Kelly: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Anthony: This guy?
Mac: Oh! Oh! That's crazy!
Anthony: Enough with the "oh"s!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Waitress Is Getting Married (#5.5)" (2009)
Dennis Reynolds: You know what I just realized? I don't care about anything she's saying, but what I do care about is the fact that Charlie might go postal when he finds out about this and kill all of us.
Mac: Right. Shit, we're probably the one's at real risk here, huh?

Dee Reynolds: In the meantime I'll try to sabotage the wedding by luring Brad away from her.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeaaah.
Mac: Dee, save yourself the embarassment.

Mac: How much cheese have you eaten today?
Charlie Kelly: How much cheese is too much cheese?
Dennis Reynolds: Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!

Charlie Kelly: But I am who I am.
Mac: Yeah, but let's pretend you're not like who you are and just try to attract a woman.

Dennis Reynolds: Let's talk about your likes and dislikes. Um, how 'bout your favorite food, what would that be?
Charlie Kelly: Oh, milk steak.
Dennis Reynolds: Hm, what?
Charlie Kelly: Milk steak.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not putting milk steak!
Mac: Just put steak, just put regular steak...
Dennis Reynolds: I'm gonna put steak.
Charlie Kelly: Don't put steak, put milk steak. She'll know what it is.
Dennis Reynolds: No, she won't know what it is, Charlie. Nobody knows what that is. Okay, alright, what's your favorite hobby?
Charlie Kelly: Uh, magnets.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, wha- like making magnets, collecting magnets?
Mac: Playing with magnets?
Charlie Kelly: Just magnets.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm gonna put snowboarding. We'll put snowboarding. Alright, what are some of your likes?
Charlie Kelly: Uh, ghouls.
Mac: Son of a bitch. What are you talking about now?
Charlie Kelly: You know, funny little green ghouls.
Dennis Reynolds: What, like in movies? In cartoons?
Charlie Kelly: Little green ghouls, buddy!
Mac: Don't write ghouls!
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not, I'm putting travel! Jesus Christ! What are your dislikes?
Charlie Kelly: People's knees.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, come on! Dude, come on! We'll make the whole thing up, let's get outta here. We're not even gonna use you.
Mac: Bro, you've gotta be kidding. You know what, we'll just make it all up.
Charlie Kelly: Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere...


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention (#5.4)" (2009)
Mac: I have an idea.
Frank Reynolds: [turns in fear] Where did you come from?
Mac: Frank, I've been walking next to you this entire time.

Mac: Hey. I'm Mac.
[Donna sighs]
Mac: Barbara's ex-lover. She may have mentioned...
[Donna stares blankly]
Mac: You were gonna say something?
Donna: No.
Mac: [smacks lips] ... You said... no?
Donna: No. I was just breathing.

Mac: I made you breakfast! I hope you like it crispy 'cause it is burned.
Donna: What is going on in here? How did you get in my house? Did you kick in my door?
Mac: Kick, yes. Kick in, no. That door is solid, which is the good news. The bad news is the window is not.

Frank Reynolds: Intervention. Intervention. You banged my dead wife?
Mac: Well, she was alive at the time. But... Did you not know that?
Frank Reynolds: No.
Charlie Kelly: It's cool, man. It's cool. Intervention. Intervention, okay? Look, he's got a weird, um, fetish for older women, so don't hold it against him.
Mac: I don't have an older-woman fetish.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, you do.
Mac: I don't wanna bang this chick.
[points to Tabitha]


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Hundred Dollar Baby (#2.5)" (2006)
Mac: [watching an underground fight] Well, this is awesome.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, this is amazing. There's blood everywhere. It's amazing!
Mac: Yeah, and we were totally right. These guys don't have any technique. They just get all cranked up like animals and beat the christ out of each other.
Dennis Reynolds: Look at all this money being thrown around. Dude, we gotta get in on this.
Mac: Oh yeah. You know really, I think it's about who can take the biggest beating.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah.
Mac: You know who can take a really good beating?
Dennis Reynolds: Charlie.
Mac: Charlie.

Dennis Reynolds: [while training Charlie to become an underground fighter] Why don't you punch this board?
[Dennis grabs a board and holds it up]
Charlie Kelly: Okay. Hold it steady for me. Watch your eyes.
[Charlie punches the board and groans in pain]
Mac: That looks like it stings.
Charlie Kelly: Oh my god! What is that made out of?
Dennis Reynolds: It's a board so it's, you know, made out of wood.
Mac: It's like particle board.
Charlie Kelly: It's like harder than wood, dude.
Mac: It's actually softer than wood.

Dee Reynolds: Rocky IV is not the greatest move of all time.
Dennis Reynolds: What do you consider to be a good movie?
Dee Reynolds: I don't know, Million Dollar Baby or something.
Dennis Reynolds: Are you serious? No way!
Dee Reynolds: It won an Oscar!
Charlie Kelly: It has Stallone punching a Russian's face in to all smithereens!
Mac: Lifting anvils and shit, pulling a truck through snow.
Dennis Reynolds: Million Dollar Baby is totally unrealistic. Girls can't fight, they don't have muscles.
Dee Reynolds: That is a horribly sexist thing to say.
Dennis Reynolds: It's not sexist, it's just truthful, you know.
Charlie Kelly: Girls can't pull trucks through snow.
Dee Reynolds: Could you pull a truck through snow?
Charlie Kelly: I absolutely could!
Dee Reynolds: You can barely walk through the snow, Charlie.
Dennis Reynolds: That is true.
Charlie Kelly: Okay, is the truck in Park or Neutral?
Mac: That is a good question.

Mac: Charlie, we need to build up your tolerance to beatings!
Dennis Reynolds: Hence the smashings!
Mac: Yeah, we used the trash can but Dennis wanted to use a chair.
Dennis Reynolds: I think he's ready for a chair.
Mac: That's way too excessive.
Dennis Reynolds: The guy's ready for a chair.
Mac: No, he's not ready for a chair...
Charlie Kelly: Hey, hey, guys! I can handle a chair.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Racist (#1.1)" (2005)
Charlie Kelly: Dude, it's not so much that they don't like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? 'Cause you're an asshole!
Mac: [to Dee] Is that true?
Dee Reynolds: ...Yeah, kinda.

Mac: "Looking for a new hotspot to spot that stud? Well, Paddy's Irish Pub will plug that hole."
Charlie Kelly: Well, that's a good notice.
Mac: No, that is not a good notice. I don't want to be plugging anyone's holes.

Mac: [to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this?
[all look over at Dennis]
Dennis Reynolds: [gayly] ... boys are out tonight, huh?
Mac: This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?
Charlie Kelly: Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!

Mac: Look, everybody! Sweet Dee's here!
Dee Reynolds: Hey, everybody!
Charlie Kelly: Whoa, whoa! What are you doing here?
Janell: Charlie?
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, whoa, what is going on here? You guys know each other?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, that's the crazy bitch that punched me in my eye!
Terrell: Charlie! That's my sister!
Mac: Now, just to clarify, when you say sister, you mean...
Terrell: I mean my sister.
Mac: Yeah! Okay! This is great because earlier, you were implying that I was racist because you thought that I was implying that all black people are related, and then it turns out that you people actually are!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Wants an Abortion (#1.2)" (2005)
Mac: [yelling outside an abortion clinic] Pro-choice is pro-death!
Megan: Wow! Great rhetoric!
Mac: Thank you.
Megan: Hey, you're really hardcore, aren't you?
Mac: Oh, well, you know. I mean, if you really want to see hardcore...
[pulls out a paper and gives it to Megan]
Megan: What's this?
Mac: That's the list of doctors I'm gonna kill.
Megan: There's two already crossed out.
Mac: Yeah, I know.

Dee Reynolds: Well, I'm going to go, at least one pro-choice voice will be heard.
Mac: One? There was, like, tons of those chicks at the last one.
Dennis Reynolds: Which side had more?
Dee Reynolds: Oh, which one do you think? I one that cares about protecting womens bodies or the one thats run by the religious right?
Dennis Reynolds: Probably the side you're going to. I'm going to fight for the right to choose.

Mac: I hate dead baby fetuses, you know why? Because they are dead and they shouldn't be. They should be alive, and they should be loved.

Mac: [on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!
Dee Reynolds: Is he jo...? Is that...? Are you... joking?
Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good.
Dee Reynolds: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
Dennis Reynolds: [to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac Is a Serial Killer (#3.10)" (2007)
Dennis Reynolds: [the gang talks about the city's serial killer as Mac suddenly walks into the bar] This guy got laid last night!
Mac: [nervously] No, I didn't!
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you did. You didn't come last night.
Mac: Yes, I did!
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, those are the same clothes you were wearing yesterday.
Mac: No, they aren't. They're different clothes.
Dennis Reynolds: Hey, what's with those scratches on your neck?
Mac: Scratches? What scratches? I've... I've gotta take a piss. Stop asking me questions.
[runs into the bathroom]
Dee Reynolds: Well, that was weird.
Charlie Kelly: I wonder what got into him.
Frank Reynolds: Serial killin'!

[Mac lets Charlie overhear Mac talking on the phone with a woman called Sandy, who unbeknownst to them is actually Dee disguising her voice]
Dee Reynolds: This is Mac, right? Good looking guy, great sense of humor, really bulky.
Mac: Uh, more ripped.
Charlie Kelly: Strike that.
Mac: Jacked.
Charlie Kelly: Irrelevant.
Mac: Toned.
Charlie Kelly: Exaggeration.
Mac: I work out.
Charlie Kelly: I'll allow it.

Dennis Reynolds: [Dennis walks out with a turtleneck and a clipboard as Mac arrives for a blind date] Who are you here to see?
Mac: My friend Sandy.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, Sandy. Sandy, huh? Is Sandy a young, attractive, blond girl?
Mac: I have no idea.
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, Sandy, why don't you come out here, please?
Dee Reynolds: [walks out] Oh, hello, Mac.
Dennis Reynolds: Not so young and attractive, is she?

Dee Reynolds: Did you bring the condoms?
Mac: Ooooh. Not a fan of the whole condom thing.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Held Hostage (#3.4)" (2007)
Frank Reynolds: There's broken glass everywhere.
Mac: Broken glass? Oh, my God, I think you found Charlie's bad room.
Frank Reynolds: What the hell is that?
Mac: It's where Charlie goes to think and break bottles. Dude, you gotta get out of there. He's going to find you.

Charlie Kelly: Mac, can an asshole rip in half?
Mac: Like tissue paper.

Charlie Kelly: [at gunpoint] Okay, don't shoot, okay? Just take whatever you want.
Mac: Yeah, take the cash register!
Dennis Reynolds: Take the girl!
Dee Reynolds: What do you mean take the girl?
Dennis Reynolds: Don't argue with him, just go!
Charlie Kelly: He's right. You better just go with them!
Dee Reynolds: But they're not trying to take me anywhere!
Mac: Don't try to be a hero, Dee, just do what they say!
Dee Reynolds: They're not saying anything!
Charlie Kelly: Well, what's the sense? If you keep arguing with them then we're all gonna die!

Mac: [to Dee] You're the one who first told us about Stockholm syndrome, but I feel like if you just snap out of it, there's a chance that we can survive this if we just stick together!
Ryan McPoyle: Hey, time's up!
Liam McPoyle: Looks like Mac and Dennis take it.
Mac: [fist bumps Liam] Nice! Blast away, boys!
[covers face]


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Gun Fever (#1.5)" (2005)
Mac: Charlie, are you okay?
Charlie Kelly: No, I'm not okay! I'm shot in the head!

Mac: You're such a dildo, dude.
Dennis Reynolds: Thanks dude, thanks. That's a good way to start the day.

Mac: [in the hospital] We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, oh, the gun... yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you
Charlie Kelly: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah... mm... Dee, could you get me a nurse?
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, sure.
[exits]
Charlie Kelly: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
Mac: No way!
Dennis Reynolds: [pulls gun out of his pants] Never.

Dennis Reynolds: [after shooting Charlie] I'll call an ambulance.
Mac: Bro, the hospital's like three blocks away, we should just drive him!
Dennis Reynolds: I know that but I don't wanna get blood stains all over the interior of my car!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Finds a Dead Guy (#1.6)" (2005)
Dee Reynolds: [upon finding someone slumped over in a booth] Who's this?
Mac: I don't know. I've never seen him before.
Dee Reynolds: Well, can you get him out of here? He stinks.
Mac: [walking over to the man] Hey, let's go. Oh, my Je... oh, my God! He shit his pants, Dee. Dee, he shit his pants.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, I don't want to know that.
Mac: [groans and grabs a pool stick] I'm gonna poke him with this. Get up, old man. This isn't the American Legion. Wake up! Yo!
Dee Reynolds: What's the matter?
Mac: He won't wake up.
Dee Reynolds: Well, poke him harder in his ribs.
Mac: [continuing to poke the man] Wake up, old man. Wake up!
[the man falls over to his side]
Mac: Holy shit. That bitch is dead.

Curator: [after being shown the Nazi officers jacket] I find this offensive for so many reasons. I'm guessing you acquired this through illegal means. For me to take this from you would be an extension of that. And secondly, that you would expect it would "make my day" assumes that I'm interested in profiting off the murder of millions of innocent people!
[Mac glances at Charlie; Charlie nods]
Mac: How much will you give us for it?
Curator: Nothing.
Charlie Kelly: Nothing, orrr...?
Curator: I plan to call the police the minute you guys leave my office.

Dee Reynolds: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.
Mac: No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm.
Dee Reynolds: You can't break Tom Brady's arm.
Mac: Oh, yes I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.

Rebecca Keane: I guess I was a little curious, you know, I mean he's my grandfather and I know nothing about him.
Mac: Yeah, well he was a great man.
Rebecca Keane: Really?
Mac: Yeah. Yeah, just a very warm and gentle soul actually.
Rebecca Keane: So you knew him?
Mac: Yeah, I wouldn't actually say that I knew him all that well, but we did...
Dennis Reynolds: I-I knew him pretty well. Yeah, we got pretty close near the end there.
Rebecca Keane: Wow, really?
Mac: I knew him too. I... I just only meant... I thought you meant...
Dennis Reynolds: He didn't know him as well as I did though.
Rebecca Keane: Oh. Well listen, I should go. I have to get back to work, I just wanted to stop in.
Dennis Reynolds: Of course, yeah. Well listen, if you ever wanna stop by, you know, I'll tell you some stories about your grandfather that you would not believe.
Mac: I-I'll make myself available as well.
Dennis Reynolds: Don't worry about it.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest (#4.3)" (2008)
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, you better have a good reason for getting us outta bed this early, jerk.
Frank Reynolds: I got a goddamn great reason for gettin' you out of bed. This bar is hemorrhaging money!
Charlie Kelly: You gotta spend money to make money. Economics 101, dude.
Frank Reynolds: You're bleeding us to death! Especially with that company credit card you got.
Mac: Uh, that is for business expenses, Frank. Everything on there is a business expense.
Frank Reynolds: Who spent $500 for laser hair removal?
Dennis Reynolds: Right over here, Slick. Don't wanna have hair down there, know what I'm sayin'?
Frank Reynolds: Who spent $5,000 for a samurai sword?
Mac: [raises hand] Your head of security.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, just wait till he saves your life one day with it.
Frank Reynolds: $6,000 on a camcorder!
Dee Reynolds: Well, I've decided what I'm gonna do is I'm going to take all those hilarious characters that I've been creating over the past several years. I'm gonna put 'em on tape, I'm gonna put 'em on YouTube. That way I can get discovered by like a casting director or a producer. I get some kind of a TV development deal.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, right, so the point is, Frank, is that these are all business expenses. I mean, some are definitely more realistic than others...
Charlie Kelly: [points to Dee] Yeah, not that one.
Dennis Reynolds: No, not at all, but nonetheless I believe bought as a business expense.
Frank Reynolds: They're not business expenses! What *I* bought is a business expense. What I bought is somethin' that's gonna save our asses!
Dennis Reynolds: [mockingly] Okay. Yeah, all right.
Charlie Kelly: All right, what d'ya get?
Frank Reynolds: I bought a billboard!
[cue title: "America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest"]

Mac: Okay, Anya, so they are in fact double Ds, that's great news. Well, you got a great look. No denying that. Let me ask you a question, though. Why should I pick you over the other girls?
Anya: [seductively] I'm willing to do anything in order to win.
Mac: You're talking about banging me, right?
Anya: Maybe.
Mac: If you say "yes" I could...
Anya: Yes.
Mac: [writing in notepad] Okay, great, you said yes. Okay, Anya said yes. That's written down now...
Anya: Yes.
Mac: That's like a contract. All right, perfect. Can't go back on it. All right, well thank you for coming in.
Anya: Thank you.
Mac: Nice talkin' to ya.
Anya: You too.
Mac: You got a great chance. You got a *great* ass.

Mac: I'm having all the girls come in, just to make sure we vibe.
Rachelle: Of course.
Mac: What's the difference between you and the rest of the girls?
Rachelle: Well, my heart is in this 100%, and for more than just a billboard.
Mac: For *more* than a billboard... That's interesting. I haven't heard that yet.
Rachelle: Ooh, no?
Mac: I feel like there's vibing happening right now. This is the vibing I'm talking about!
Rachelle: [giggles] Yeah!
Mac: I feel like we're completing each other's...
Rachelle: Sentences!
Mac: Yeah, I was gonna say sentences! Oh, my God! How did you read my...
Rachelle: Mind!
Mac: I was gonna say head.

Frank Reynolds: I know what the billboard is gonna look like already: two gorgeous girls up there, giant cans, me in the middle with my thumbs up.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, that's just simply not gonna happen.
Mac: Actually, maybe Frank has a point, dude. Maybe we should put a dude up there. Certainly not him, but if we put some hot beefcake up there maybe it'll attract more chicks.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, that's a good point. Okay, I like that. You know what, let's slap my picture up there. It's about time I got my modeling career off the ground anyway.
Frank Reynolds: [laughing] Don't flatter yourself. You're not gonna be up there, because I am gonna be the face of Paddy's bar!
Dennis Reynolds: That's ridiculous, Frank. You're, um... ugly.
Frank Reynolds: What?
Dennis Reynolds: Ugly!
Frank Reynolds: I'm ugly? With that anteater nose you're telling me I'm ugly?
Dennis Reynolds: My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank. My body was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David. You on the other hand, well... you're a pit of despair. Frank, you disgust me. You disgust everyone. And you will never, *ever* be on that billboard.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac and Dennis Break Up (#5.9)" (2009)
Dennis Reynolds: Put it this way, if the two of us didn't come together what if one of us were to get into a jam? It'd be silly not to have the other one there.
Mac: Silly? Dennis, that sounds downright dangerous.

Frank Reynolds: Look, I gotta take a walk, my head is swimming.
Mac: That's fine. Just make sure you, you know, check in 'cause I haven't heard from Charlie and it is getting late.
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, right.

Dennis Reynolds: How was Charlie's?
Mac: The way they live bro, it's... it's like, uh...
Dennis Reynolds: Preposterous.
Mac: Yeah dude, preposterous! I've been trying to come up with that all day! God dude, this is why you and I are such a good team. You know, like I'm a man of action and you're a man that comes up with good...
Dennis Reynolds: Words?
Mac: Words, dude.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, great. We really gotta work on your vocabulary though, man. You couldn't come up with the word "words"!

Mac: Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie Kelly: I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank Reynolds: Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby (#3.1)" (2007)
Tan Clerk: Let me get this straight. You want to put your baby into a tanning bed?
Mac: That's correct.
Tan Clerk: I'm sorry, that's against the law.
Mac: Look, pal, we are well aware of the law, okay? We don't want to jam you up here. We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes.
Dee Reynolds: Just to get a base...
Mac: Just to get a base.

Dee Reynolds: [reading from note] Taked baby. Meet at later bar, night or day... sometime.
Dee Reynolds, Mac: Charlie!

Mac: See what's happening here? Do you see this? Family values in this country are going down the toilet and it's because of people like you. Men and women raising a child together is a proven system a thousand years old. There are parental roles that need to be filled here, right? Otherwise the child ends up roaming the streets, having unprotected sex with multiple partners, sharing needles, and contracting the HIV virus, and it's all your fault. Are you happy, Dee? Is this what you wanted? You just gave this baby full blow AIDS!

Frank Reynolds: What the hell is that?
Mac: It's a baby we found in the trash.
Frank Reynolds: Well, put it back. It doesn't belong to you.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack (#4.10)" (2008)
Charlie Kelly: Will you just help me out, man? This is Johnson's mail, okay? Now Johnson's gone AWOL for the week with the wife and kids down in Orlando so I want you to keep a pile in a neat stack somewhere that's all Johnson's mail.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. This guy's in Orlando for the week?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah man, help me out here.
Mac: Hold on a second, bro. This is the perfect opportunity. I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy.
Charlie Kelly: Uhh, I don't think that's gonna work, dude.
Mac: Uhh, have you seen the Secret of My Success?
Charlie Kelly: Uhh, they're gonna catch on to you.
Mac: Uhhh, yeah but before they do I'm gonna come up with an idea that will save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me.
Charlie Kelly: Uhhh, are you sure? How's that movie end, dude?
Mac: Uhhh, I can't remember it. Ooh, yeah, he bangs that old lady and then they play that song from the '80s, uh, Day Bow Bow.

Dee Reynolds: What the shit is this?
Charlie Kelly: Uh, Cheech over here bought himself a bong.
Frank Reynolds: [taking a massive bong rip] Holy shit Deandra, this is wacky. I want you to go download me a hoagie off the internet.
Dee Reynolds: I'm sorry? Those words don't make any s- sense... Oh God, you guys... Oh, weird, I feel weird.
Mac: Rip another one, bro.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, say something else stupid too.
Dee Reynolds: My arm's kinda numb. Dennis, can you feel my head? Is it hot, am I hot?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not touching you.
Dee Reynolds: I'm serious you guys, something's not right. I...
Frank Reynolds: You think there's bitches in the bar?
Mac: What?
Frank Reynolds: Bitches in the bar.
Dee Reynolds: I feel like... I'm being really serious you guys, I need some help...
[faints]
Dennis Reynolds: Uh God, what is her problem?
Charlie Kelly: I don't know.
[cue title "Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack"]

Dennis Reynolds: You know what's scary about this whole thing really is that I have the same genes as her.
Mac: Yeah, I'm concerned for myself and Charlie as well. We lead a very rock 'n' roll lifestyle.
Charlie Kelly: I know!
Dee Reynolds: I just had a heart attack! Can we focus on me for two minutes here?
Charlie Kelly: I feel like we did talk about you...
Mac: Dee, your ship has sailed, okay? It's time to move on to us, the people who are going to live on. Guys, we gotta make sure this does not happen to us.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, that's the important thing here. We need to focus on ourselves.

Charlie Kelly: This company is being bled like a stuffed pig Mac, and I got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out, take a look at this.
Mac: Jesus Christ, Charlie.
Charlie Kelly: That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, okay? Pepe Silvia, this name keeps comin' up over and over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail's getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia, Pepe Silvia, I look in the mail, this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself I gotta find this guy. I gotta go up to his office, I gotta put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise he's never gonna get it, it's gonna keep coming back down here. So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac, what do I find out? There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decided, ohh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper. There's no Pepe Silvia, you gotta be kidding me, I got boxes full of Pepe! All right, so I start marching my way down to Carol in H.R. and I knock on her door and I say, "Caaarol, Caaarol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe!" And when I open the door, what do I find? There's not a single goddamn desk in that office. There is no Carol in H.R. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.
Mac: Okay Charlie, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they have been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude. We are gonna lose our jobs.
Charlie Kelly: Well calm down, 'cause here's one thing that's not gonna happen.
Mac: What?
Charlie Kelly: We're not gonna get fired.
Mac: We're not?
Charlie Kelly: 'Cause we've already been fired.
Mac: We've lost our jobs?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah. About three days ago, a couple pink slips came in the mail. One for you, one for me. So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia.
Mac: Charlie, if we've lost our jobs that means we've lost our health insurance. Which means all of this was for nothing! Goddammit dude, I am having a panic attack. I'm actually having a panic attack.
Charlie Kelly: Will you settle down and have another cup of coffee?
Mac: I am, bro.
Charlie Kelly: All right, well fine. You know what, Barney, give this guy a cigarette. He's freakin' out.
Mac: Huh? Who?
Charlie Kelly: Barney. He's the guy who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.
Mac: Barney? Who the hell is Barney?
Charlie Kelly: You don't see Ba- oh, shit. Where the hell did he...?
Mac: You've lost your mind. You've lost your goddamn mind, Charlie!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: How Mac Got Fat (#7.10)" (2011)
Mac: Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been one week since my last confession.
Father Cullen: Okay, my son. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, what is your confession?
Mac: I'm fat.
[cuts to episode title "How Mac Got Fat"]

Mac: Dennis always tells me, "Never let someone's resistance stop you from getting what you want."

Mac: Well, right now it looks like you're wearing a mask of yourself over your face.
Dennis Reynolds: Not a good one? Not a nice mask of myself?
Mac: Not a good one.
Dennis Reynolds: Do you guys think that a normal mask of me would look good?
Dee Reynolds: Oh, my God.
Dennis Reynolds: And if there was would you guys wear it?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award (#9.3)" (2013)
Mac: Hi, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub. I like to recommend to our first timers our signature cocktail, Caribbean Paradise. Some people say it's better than busting a nut.
Customer: Excuse me?
Mac: Busting a nut. It's like, uh, you know, blowing your load.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh...
Mac: He said it was a funny joke.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, no... hold on.
Mac: Yeah, it's like coming all over you. It's light, it's playful.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, well, no, I think what my friend is trying to refer to is an orgasm, which is light and playful, but he overstepped himself and got a little bit too specific.
Mac: Sorry, we jizz in the drink and that's what makes it light.
Dennis Reynolds: No, no, nobody's jizzing on anything.
Mac: Well, where do I jizz?
Dennis Reynolds: You don't jizz.
Mac: How can, how can I orgasm if I don't jizz?
Dennis Reynolds: No, ma'am, I think what...
Mac: Just tell me where I jizz so I can give this lady her drink.
Dennis Reynolds: Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.
Dee Reynolds: Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm.
Dennis Reynolds: Holy shit, you're late.

Mac: This office sucks.
Dee Reynolds: It smells bad and it's stuffy in here.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, it's the Restaurant and Bar Association; it's a stuffy organization. They're not in touch with the young people like us.
Dee Reynolds: Some old boner gives me attitude, I'm gonna spit in his face.
Dennis Reynolds: If he starts giving me shit, I'll spit at him.
Mac: We should all spit.
Frank Reynolds: Look, we're not spitting, all right?

Dennis Reynolds: The customers have to think that you think that you don't want to be together, but you do, deep down, want to be together. The problem is, right now, I'm getting that you guys don't want to be together. I need you to want to be together.
Dee Reynolds: Ugh.
Mac: [raises hand] Question.
Dennis Reynolds: Yes, you're wondering how we're gonna make Dee attractive enough to where you'll want to be with her.
Mac: Yes.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Whacked: Part 1 (#3.12)" (2007)
Mac: [after being threatened by the mob] To be honest fellas we're about six beers deep here so you're gonna have to be a little clearer.

Dee Reynolds: [drops a bag of Oxycontin on the pool table] Boom.
Frank Reynolds: What am I supposed to do with that?
Mac: You tell us.
Charlie Kelly: Bingo told us you know how to sell those drugs.
Frank Reynolds: I told you not to involve me in that! Did you mention my name?
Dennis Reynolds: First thing we did.
Dee Reynolds: You gonna harp on it all day?
Frank Reynolds: Goddammit! The guy's gonna skin me alive.
Charlie Kelly: He is gonna skin you alive.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, he mentioned something about it.
Dennis Reynolds: Will you just pay the mob off so we don't have to sell these pills?
Frank Reynolds: Dennis, I am not using any more of my money!
Dennis Reynolds: The mob is gonna kill us, man!
Frank Reynolds: Look, if I cave on this, I'm gonna be bailing you guys out for the rest of my life. I'm putting my foot down on this one. You bitches gotta earn your own money!

Mac: Frank, you are gonna get us into that country club you used to belong to and we're gonna sell the pills there.
Dennis Reynolds: That'd be a good place to sell those pills.
Mac: Yes, thank you very much.
Frank Reynolds: You can't make no $25,000 from that amount of pills. How long you got?
Mac: 'til Friday.
Frank Reynolds: Mm-mmm. You're gonna have to turn a trick or two; go into prostitution.
Dee Reynolds: You are disgusting! How could you suggest - I am absolutely not doing that!
Frank Reynolds: I wasn't talking about you. Guys at those country clubs get hotter broads than you.
Dennis Reynolds: I would think, yeah.
Mac: Yeah.
Frank Reynolds: I was saying the male escort is really hard to come by.
Charlie Kelly: I'm picking up what you're putting down. I'll do it.
Frank Reynolds: Eh, Charlie, you're not quite cut from the right cloth.
Mac: Okay. Make it me.
Frank Reynolds: Mac, you're too low class. All those women are gonna thing they're gonna catch somethin' from you.
Mac: They are.
Dennis Reynolds: They will.
Frank Reynolds: I was thinking about Dennis.
Dennis Reynolds: Right. Now, Frank, will any of these women be attractive in any way?
Frank Reynolds: Probably not.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Exploits a Miracle (#2.7)" (2006)
Mac: We look like salt and pepper shakers!

Mac: Congratulations Jim Jones. You found the four people dumb enough to listen to your shit!

Mac: Let's go toe to toe on the bible, bitch.
Charlie Kelly: Ask and ye shall receive, sucka.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Buys a Boat (#6.3)" (2010)
Ted Sally: What is it you guys are looking for?
Mac: Let's talk needs please, I'd like to talk needs first. Now I have the need for speed. It's very important, it's inherent, there's nothing I can do about it so speed is a must.

Mac: What the hell is that?
Dee Reynolds: [dancing] This? That's my P. Diddy boat dance.
Mac: You look like one of those inflatable dancing things at the used car lot, the ones that flail around in the wind.

Mac: What do we need a mattress for?
Dennis Reynolds: What do you mean what do we need a mattress for? Why in the hell do you think we just spent all that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside so we can take 'em to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can't refuse, because of the implication.
Mac: Oh, uh... okay. You had me going there for the first part, the second half kinda threw me.
Dennis Reynolds: Well dude, dude, think about it: she's out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows. You know, she looks around and what does she see? Nothin' but open ocean. "Ahh, there's nowhere for me to run. What am I gonna do, say 'no'?"
Mac: Okay. That... that seems really dark.
Dennis Reynolds: Nah, no it's not dark. You're misunderstanding me, bro.
Mac: I'm-I think I am.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you are, because if the girl said "no" then the answer obviously is "no"...
Mac: No, right.
Dennis Reynolds: But the thing is she's not gonna say "no", she would never say "no" because of the implication.
Mac: ...Now you've said that word "implication" a couple of times. Wha-what implication?
Dennis Reynolds: The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her but she's thinkin' that they will.
Mac: But it sounds like she doesn't wanna have sex with you...
Dennis Reynolds: Why aren't you understanding this? She-she doesn't know if she wants to have sex with me. That's not the issue...
Mac: Are you gonna hurt women?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not gonna hurt these women! Why would I ever hurt these women? I feel like you're not getting this at all!
Mac: I'm not getting it.
Dennis Reynolds: Goddamn.
[notices woman staring at them]
Dennis Reynolds: Well don't you look at me like that, you certainly wouldn't be in any danger.
Mac: So they are in danger!
Dennis Reynolds: No one's in any danger!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition (#4.12)" (2008)
Mac: Now, this is smart. The first step to becoming an American, get a credit card.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh yeah, man, we need this guy to build up copious amounts of debt. That's the best way for him to build up his credit. We're doing him a favor here.
Charlie Kelly: We're doing him a huge favor! And do you realize how extreme this is to go from no debt to good ol' fashioned American debt? That's the way to do it. Plus, I've been envisioning someone else paying for this thing the entire time.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm also envisioning him unloading all the shit into the car.

Dennis Reynolds: Mac, why don't you get started on the family makeover with Dee.
Mac: Family makeover with Dee? No, I wanna be a part of the renovation team.
Dennis Reynolds: I know you do, but the thing is...
Charlie Kelly: You get so excited about the smashing and then you make it competitive.
Dennis Reynolds: You turn it into a competition.
Mac: That's bullshit, 'cause I'm a better smasher than you guys! I should be on the head of the smashing team! You wanna have a smash-off?

Mac: Somos...
Dee Reynolds: Yeah!
Mac, Dee Reynolds: ¡Extremos!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac's Banging the Waitress (#4.4)" (2008)
Mac: Yeah, I would never say it to his face, but Dennis has great thighs.

Mac: You can have more than one best friend, right?
Dennis Reynolds: Absolutely! Absolutely.
Charlie Kelly: Yeeeah, the three best friends!
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, the Three Amigos!
Charlie Kelly: Uh, the three, um...
Dennis Reynolds: Musketeers!
Mac: Blind mice!
Charlie Kelly: The three...
Mac: Stooges.
Dennis Reynolds: I don't wanna be associated with those...
Charlie Kelly: I wanna, I wanna get one! Uh...
Mac: There's another one out there.
[Charlie struggles]
Mac: Move past it!
Charlie Kelly: I can't get it! All right!

Mac: Maybe a little bit later we can do some hand stuff?
Waitress: Are you in junior high?
Mac: Mouth stuff?
Waitress: Oh, my God.
Mac: Mouth stuff.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas (#6.13)" (2009)
Dennis Reynolds: If you guys love Christmas so much, why do you always wait until the last possible minute to put up the Christmas decorations? It is the day before Christmas.
Mac: That's our tradition.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, that's what we do. We drink a lot of eggnog. We pass out. And then we don't put anything up, so we do it at the last minute.
Mac: Yeah, then we wake up at Christmas and celebrate by throwing rocks at moving freight trains.
Dee Reynolds: Why would grown men throw rocks at trains?
Mac: Why wouldn't we throw rocks at trains? It's beats throwing rocks at passing cars, or at people.
Charlie Kelly: It's awesome. That's what you do on Christmas morning. We've been doing it since we were kids. Look, whatever. I'm sorry that we love Christmas and we have awesome Christmas traditions and you guys hate Christmas.
Mac: They hate Christmas because I always got the best gifts, and Frank always gave them shitty presents.
Dee Reynolds: You think we don't like Christmas because Frank gave us shitty presents?
Dennis Reynolds: Is that really what you think? No, Frank didn't buy shitty presents. Frank bought the most awesome presents in the world. As a matter of fact, he would find out whatever Christmas presents we wanted that year... and he would buy them for himself instead of buying them for us.
Charlie Kelly: Really? That must have been why he wanted me to walkie you guys when you got to the bar. 'Cause he was trying to do something about making your Christmas better. Or worse.

[after watching an old video of a young Mac and his parents stealing presents]
Charlie Kelly: Dude, what was that? What just happened? What was that right there? What was the family on the stairs? What was that?
Mac: That was probally the next family coming in to get their presents.
Charlie Kelly: What are you talking about? What was happening there?
Mac: That was the Christmas tradition my parents had. You go from house to house collecting your presents. And then when the next family would come, you would take your presents and run.
Charlie Kelly: I am not aware of that tradition, Mac. In fact, I think that you and your parents were just stealing from that home.
Mac: Oh no. I was taking their presents, but they were taking mine. Yeah, dude. That's why there were never any presents at my house on Christmas morning or when we got back. The neighbors took them. It's a South Philadelphia tradition, Charlie.
Charlie Kelly: No, that makes no sense. People don't do that, dude. That doesn't make any sense.
Mac: You're telling me that on Christmas morning, you and your mother would not go to your neighbor's house and take their presents?
Charlie Kelly: No! No one does that!
Mac: Well, my dad told me that was the tradition.
Charlie Kelly: Mac, your dad is a convicted thief and a murderer who eats people. So, he's not really trustworthy.
Mac: This is really dicking with my Christmas spirit.

Mac: [digging through his childhood stuff and finds Simon game] Yeah! Boom! 'Member that?
Charlie Kelly: [gasps] Simon?
Mac: Simon.
Charlie Kelly: Dude, this game was my favorite. Do you remember how challenging this was?
Mac: Yeah. But Charlie, don't get lost in that, okay? Just...
[beeps]
Charlie Kelly: I got the first one, bro.
[beeps twice]
Charlie Kelly: Uh-oh.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Has Cancer (#1.4)" (2005)
Mac: [on his cell phone] Mom, I'm telling you, this girl's amazing. Yeah, I've got butterflies in my stomach. There's one little issue...
[Carmen sneaks up from behind and grabs his waist; Mac turns around and punches her in the face]
Carmen: Oh, God! I think you broke my nose!
Construction Worker: That guy's beating on that chick!
Carmen: Oh, my God!
Mac: Oh, no, you know, it's a dude. Yeah, she has a penis... so it's okay.
Construction Worker: Dude, isn't that a hate crime?
Construction Worker #2: Shit yeah, it's a hate crime!
[they both chase after Mac]

Mac: Are you sure?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, look at his jeans, dude. That's a- that's an unmistakable bulge of a large penis in those jeans.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, that's a dick in those pants.
Mac: There's a dick in those pants!
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah.
Mac: I'll be right back.
[confronts Carmen]
Mac: Excuse me, bro, can you give me a second?
[club goer exits]
Mac: Thanks. Is that a penis in your pants?
Carmen: Yeah.
Mac: You lied to me!
Carmen: No, I didn't. You lied to me! You don't work out? Please, I see you at the gym. You're ripped.
Mac: Wait, don't turn this around... Wait, really? You think so?
Carmen: Yeah.
Mac: I was afraid I was getting a little too ripped, you know?
Carmen: No, I like it.
Mac: Wow. Hmm. Well, I gotta get back to work, um, but I don't know, maybe I'll give you a call sometime.
Carmen: Okay.
Mac: Yeah, yeah, I'll give you a call.

Dee Reynolds: Dennis, maybe you need to rethink this whole plan of yours. I don't think getting Charlie laid is going to help his cancer problem.
Dennis Reynolds: Whatever.
Mac: Dennis, I think I found the perfect girl for Charlie! Smart, beautiful, the whole thing.
Dennis Reynolds: Where?
Mac: Right there.
Dennis Reynolds: Over there by the pool table?
Mac: Yeah. Nice.
Dennis Reynolds: That's great, Mac.
Dee Reynolds: Good work, Mac.
Dennis Reynolds: That's a dude.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Hits the Road (#5.2)" (2009)
Mac: I gave him an ocular pat down.

Mac: [Dee throws a jar full of piss out the car window, splashing a sleeping Mac] Is this piss? IS THIS PISS?

Mac: [Handing Charlie a pear] Chomp into it.
Charlie Kelly: Just bite it?
Mac: Yeah.
Charlie Kelly: Okay.
Mac: Like a piece of fruit, you would bite into it...
Charlie Kelly: [Charlie bites pear] Agh! Tastes like sand.
Mac: Like sand? Oh, that-that pear's not ripe, dude.
Charlie Kelly: Ah.
Mac: He burned us. Gypsy son of a bitch burned us! Excuse me, sir? What are you doing to my friend, Bozo? You burned us. It's dry.
Fruit Vendor: You picked it out.
Mac: Well, let's not get into a whole who picked out what. It's... I want my 35 cents back. Charlie, give him the pear.
Charlie Kelly: I can't, I just ate it.
Mac: The whole thing?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah. It was pretty gross and I...
Mac: The stem and-and the core?
Charlie Kelly: You didn't tell me not to eat the stem, dude!
Mac: Did you eat the stickers that are all over it?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, it was gross!
Mac: Of course it's gross... it's a sticker, bro!
Charlie Kelly: I eat stickers all the time, dude!
Mac: Oh my god! This whole thing is a disaster. I'm going back to the car.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire (#3.8)" (2007)
Charlie Kelly: Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude?
Mac: See, that was real news.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, we didn't distort facts. We told it like it was, you know?
Mac: Yes.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.

Mac: [in a retirement home] These places are like prisons.
Frank Reynolds: Like people getting ass raped?
Charlie Kelly: What? Oh, my God, dude. No one's getting ass raped, Frank. Come on, man.
Mac: No, it's just that people don't wanna be here, because they feel like...
Frank Reynolds: Because they're getting ass raped!

Mac: Is there anything that you want to tell the world, Irvene?
Irvene: My grandson's birthday's on Friday.
Mac: No, no, is there anything about this place that you don't like?
Irvene: ...The blacks.
Mac: Cut!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Goes to Hell (#11.9)" (2016)
Mac: There are two guys in this church that are gay!
Charlie Kelly: Who's the other guy?

Mac: I'm gay.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac & Dennis Move to the Suburbs (#11.5)" (2016)
Mac: Anyway, wanna roll? I, uh, got us some music. I made this Creed mix.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, uh, Creed, huh?
Mac: Yeah, it's a long commute, so...
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, I was thinking more, like, Bryan Adams.

Dee Reynolds: You're like a couple of locusts.
Mac: Oh, I take that as a compliment.
Dee Reynolds: It's not a compliment.
Mac: Well it's biblical, so it's a compliment.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Sells Out (#3.7)" (2007)
Mac: No, no, no! Gangsters don't sing!
Frank Reynolds: What are you talking about? You ever hear of gangsta rap?

Frank Reynolds: You don't look like a gay guy.
Dennis Reynolds: That's because he's a bear.
Mac: What?
Dennis Reynolds: He's a bear. You see, some gay guys are twinks and other are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way, we are totally cool with that. To each his own.
Frank Reynolds: Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?
Dennis Reynolds: A twink is small and slender, like Mac.
Mac: Oh, no, I'm too muscular. I would be a bear.
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, don't think so, bro. Not hairy enough.
Frank Reynolds: Smooth. Now, I would be a bear.
Dennis Reynolds: No, no. See, I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact, I don't know what you'd be. You're definitely not a twink.
Frank Reynolds: I'd be a top, that's for sure.
Mac: Can a twink be a top or is that reserved for bears?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth but I think more often then not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power bottoms.
Frank Reynolds: What's a power bottom?
Mac: A power bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.
Dennis Reynolds: Actually Mac, you've got it backwards. You see, the power bottom is actually generating the power by doing most of the work.
Frank Reynolds: Does power have to do with size or strength of the bottom?
Mac: Now Dennis, I heard speed has something to do with it.
Dennis Reynolds: Speed has *everything* to do with it. You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty Magoo (#3.5)" (2007)
Mac: I've never spray painted a chair before, okay? Why are you covering your mouth?
Frank Reynolds: Because that lead paint is *extremely* toxic.
Mac: What! Is that why I'm feeling so dizzy?

Dennis Reynolds: Everyone gather 'round. I have an announcement to make.
Frank Reynolds: Dennis has an announcement?
[to Mac]
Frank Reynolds: Go, now's your chance. Rant and rave.
Mac: [shouting] Gather 'round, everybody! Gather 'round, please!
Dee Reynolds: We're all standing here.
Frank Reynolds: Is this everybody?
Mac: Is this everybody?
Dee Reynolds: You know it's everybody. What are you doing?
Mac: Dennis has an announcement.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, I-I-I heard that. I'm wondering what it is.
Mac: It's an announcement!
Charlie Kelly: What's up, Dennis?
Dennis Reynolds: I have an announcement.
Dee Reynolds: OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS IT?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac and Dennis: Manhunters (#4.1)" (2008)
Frank Reynolds: [Charlie and Dee are discussing where to get some human meat from Frank] That wasn't human meat! It was raccoon meat. You probably got a tapeworm, that stuff is loaded with parasites!
Charlie Kelly: [Charlie starts laughing hysterically] Raccoon meat! BULLSHIT!
Dee Reynolds: Oh yes Frank, we're gonna go get some of that human meat of yours!
Charlie Kelly: [brandishing a butcher knife] I'M GONNA CHOP A PIECE OF THAT FAT LITTLE CALF MUSCLE OF YOURS AND I'M GONNA EAT IT! GET HIM!
[Charlie and Dee chase after Frank]
Mac: And the hunt is on once again.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh those two are gonna have so much fun.
[Dennis goes and locks the door]
Mac: Yes indeed. But the question still remains with what to do with Mr. Cricket.
Dennis Reynolds: Yup Mac, it's just us now. Just you and me, and a couple of pairs of sour, sweaty balls.

Frank Reynolds: I went on a manhunt once. I just got back from Nam. I was hitchhiking through Oregon. Next thing I know there's a bunch of cops chasing after me through the woods! I had to take them all out, it was a bloodbath!
Mac: Dude that's Rambo.
Dennis Reynolds: And that's not the first time you've compared yourself to Jon Rambo by the way.
Mac: You know what? This is making me think I could get on board with a manhunt.
Frank Reynolds: NO! YOU DO NOT GO ON A MANHUNT!
Dennis Reynolds: [Mac and Dennis start laughing hysterically] Screw you.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The World Series Defense (#5.6)" (2009)
Dee Reynolds: Did you write a love letter to Chase Utley?
Mac: In a lot of ways, yes, I do love him, but that is not a love letter in the way that you're thinking of! Okay? There's nothing sexual or...
Dee Reynolds: Okay, sounds good. I'm going to read it.
Mac: Yeah! Read it!
Dee Reynolds: "Dear Chase..." Oh, shit! There's stickers! My God...
Mac: Yeah, you gotta jazz it up.
Dee Reynolds: You sure do.

Judge: [Mac and Dennis are doing push-ups] All right, enough! Stop it!
Dennis Reynolds: All right. But you get my point, Your Honor, and you could see that Mac was slowing down at the end there.
Mac: What?
Dennis Reynolds: And let the record show that that is because he only works out his glamour muscles.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Broke Dee (#9.1)" (2013)
Mac: Okay, Dee, this is truly pathetic, and you are really bringing us down, so we're gonna help you out.
Frank Reynolds: We realize we may be in some ways responsible for the state you're in.
Mac: Mm, let's not...

Dee Reynolds: [performing on stage] So I finally broke down and I took a shower the other day. The stink flipped around and now my soap smells like dirty vag.
[audience laughter]
Mac: She said "vagina." A woman said "vagina."
Frank Reynolds: That's what makes it funny!
Dennis Reynolds: Tasteless.
Dee Reynolds: [robot voice] Vagina, vagina. Vagina, vagina.
[makes fart noises]
Dennis Reynolds: And the sound effects out of absolutely nowhere, no setup.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie's Mom Has Cancer (#8.6)" (2012)
Dennis Reynolds: [Mac, Charlie, and Dennis standing outside of the church] Well, I'll tell you, guys. I didn't feel much in there, but I always enjoy the little wafers.
Mac: Of course you do. Because you're consuming the actual body of Christ.
Dennis Reynolds: Uh-huh. Well, he was delicious.

Charlie Kelly: [to the priest] What the shit man?
Charlie's Mom: [whispers] Charlie!
Charlie Kelly: My mother is dying of cancer and you need money to fix a statue?
[Priest places hand on Charlie's mother to comfort her]
Charlie Kelly: No, no, no, no. Don't give me this act.
Mac: Charlie, calm down.
Charlie Kelly: No, no. Why don't you give us some money? How much is that ring worth? That looks like an expensive ring. Can we have the ring?
Mac: Okay. All right. I'm sorry, Father.
Charlie Kelly: This is bullshit!
Mac: I will pray for his sins. I'm sorry.
Dennis Reynolds: Hey Charlie, Charlie.
Mac: [to Charlie] What are you doing.
Dennis Reynolds: It's okay. I got this. I got this.
Charlie Kelly: What am I doing? What is HE doing?
Dennis Reynolds: Listen. Don't get all riled up about this scam or that scam, you know. It's all a big scam, okay?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah.
Dennis Reynolds: But I will say this - the church's scam? It's a pretty good one. It's effective. Look at all the money these people are giving to the church. So I say we use that model to raise money for your mom at Paddy's. Guys. Let's throw a beef and beer.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties (#7.3)" (2011)
Charlie Kelly: Someone should've worn a shirt, right?
Mac: Probably the kid.

Frank Reynolds: We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids! "Do not diddle kids, it's no good diddling kids."
Mac: There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids than by writing a song about it!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gives Back (#2.6)" (2006)
Charlie Kelly: I have 248 hours of, uh...
Mac: [helping Charlie read] Interstate.
Charlie Kelly: Inter... Interstate...
Mac: Sanitation. Jesus Christ.
Charlie Kelly: Interstate sanitation. What is that?
Dennis Reynolds: The guys in the orange vests who pick up trash.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, my God. And what is this about the AA?
Mac: Alcoholics Anonymous.
Charlie Kelly: For...
Mac: Six!
Dee Reynolds: Oh, my God.
Mac: Months!

Dennis Reynolds: [picking basketball teams] All righty. Uh... You, you, you, you, and you. Come over here.
[all the black kids go to Dennis]
Dennis Reynolds: All right. Now, the rest of you kids can go with those two losers right there.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm picking my team.
Dee Reynolds: No. No, you-you can't- you can't take all...
Dennis Reynolds: I can't pick the...?
Dee Reynolds: You can't pick all...
Dennis Reynolds: What should I not pick?
Mac: You know exactly what you've done, sir.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac's Big Break (#6.4)" (2010)
Preston Elliot: Alright Mac from South Philly, you're on with Preston and Steve!
Dee Reynolds: Holy shit, he got on.
Mac: Holy shit, I got on!
Preston Elliot: Please don't curse.

Mac: [holding a hockey stick] All of my instincts and my training tell me to use this as a weapon.
Charlie Kelly: All of your instincts and your training are wrong.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Goes Jihad (#2.2)" (2006)
Charlie Kelly: Ok, I'll tell you what. Let's throw a flaming bag of poop through their window.
Mac: What? Why?
Charlie Kelly: They stamp it out, get poop all over their shoes.
Mac: What in the hell is that going to accomplish?
Charlie Kelly: Poop on their shoes. Their shoes, dude.
Mac: Are you retarded? Are you a retarded person?
Charlie Kelly: Poop on the shoes, man!

[Dennis mimics an Arab jihad video]
Charlie Kelly: Cut, cut, cut, cut. What the hell are you doing, dude?
Dennis Reynolds: [uncovers face] That's what those tapes sound like.
Charlie Kelly: Why don't you read the script that I wrote.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not reading the script you wrote. It's in English, and it's riddled with spelling errors.
Charlie Kelly: Well, you know what I'm trying to write, just say it.
Dennis Reynolds: No, I'm just gonna mumble some guttural sounds. Let's do another one.
Charlie Kelly: He's not gonna know what you're saying!
Dennis Reynolds: Well, then we'll do subtitles or something!
Charlie Kelly: How am I gonna do subtitles?
Mac: I feel like I should have something in my hands.
Dennis Reynolds: You don't need anything in your hands.
Mac: Like a weapon. A machete or a machine gun or something.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, why don't you head down to the Wawa and pick up a machine gun!
Charlie Kelly: Read the script.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not gonna read the script.
Charlie Kelly: Read the- who's the director here?
Dennis Reynolds: I don't care, I'm not reading the script!
Charlie Kelly: Alright, fine. Action!
Dennis Reynolds: Bro, can I get my towel over my face again?
Charlie Kelly: Oh, yeah, put your towel on your face.
Dennis Reynolds: Alright, here we go.
Charlie Kelly: Action.
[Dennis speaks mock arabic]
Mac: [interrupts] I'm gonna get a weapon. I'm gonna get a weapon!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Great Recession (#5.3)" (2009)
Mac: All right, let's get this guy outta here, send him a message.
Dennis Reynolds: Let's do it.
Charlie Kelly: Right, let's slash his tires.
Mac: Well, not that though, because then he can't leave. That doesn't make any sense.
Charlie Kelly: Well, you start putting plans under microscopes, nothing's gonna make sense, all right?
Mac: Lots of things make sense. Slashing someone's tires so that they leave makes no sense.
Charlie Kelly: You're gonna put everything I say under a microscope, bud?
Dennis Reynolds: It's a stupid idea, Charlie.

Charlie Kelly: Now let's talk about the trash. What do I do with the trash? How do I dispose of the trash?
Dennis Reynolds: I don't know. We disposed the trash in the dumpster last night. What are you doing with it?
Charlie Kelly: I am taking it to the furnace.
Mac: We have a furnace?
Charlie Kelly: Absolutely. Where do you think the heat comes from?
Dennis Reynolds: You burn the trash in the furnace?
Charlie Kelly: This bar runs on trash, dude. This bar is totally green that way.
Dennis Reynolds: How is burning trash green?
Charlie Kelly: Uh, because I'm recycling the trash into heat for the bar and lots of smoke for the bar. I'm giving the bar the good smoky smell that we all like.
Mac: The bar smells like trash.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The ANTI-Social Network (#7.8)" (2011)
Dee Reynolds: [on Facebook] Goddammit, why won't this guy be our friend?
Mac: It's like an online shush.

Sally: And then he posted a bunch of naked pics of me online and that was the last straw.
Mac: Oh, my God, that's disgusting! Naked pics online? Where? Where did he post those?
Sally: I don't know, one of those disgusting ex-girlfriend porno sites.
Mac: Ugh, those disgusting ex-girlfriend porno sites! I mean, there's so many of them though! Which one?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Reignites the Rivalry (#5.12)" (2009)
Charlie Kelly: [after informing a rival bar that the gang poisoned them 10 year ago to win a flip cup tournament] Check it out... Who's to say we didn't put that very same poison in the drinking water?
Mac: [customers begin spitting out water] Everybody relax. He's lying. He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie Kelly: No, I don't have any on me. But, I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank Reynolds: There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles.
[pause]
Frank Reynolds: What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie Kelly: Well, that's mayonnaise. That's a decoy.
Frank Reynolds: And the mayo?
Charlie Kelly: That's shampoo.
Frank Reynolds: You're telling me I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie Kelly: If you're using the mayonnaise, yeah... probably.

Charlie Kelly: I'll totally pull a Good Will Hunting on those kids and that'll put 'em in their place.
Mac: How are you gonna do that?
Charlie Kelly: Well, you've seen the movie, right?
Mac: Yeah.
Charlie Kelly: So all I gotta do is I'll ask them some like big shot, like, math or science, history-type college question and then I'll totally stump them by knowing a lot more about the answer than they do.
Mac: Yeah, in that movie, Matt Damon played a genius janitor. You're just a janitor.
Charlie Kelly: ...Right.
[chuckles]
Charlie Kelly: ... Ah, you stumped me with that one.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City (#3.14)" (2007)
Mac: The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless, and you people are counting on the police?

Mac: Will you be providing the weapons?
Neighborhood Leader: No.
Mac: No... Oh, I get it. Okay, we go buy the weapons, we tell you how much we spent, you reimburse us. Great.
Neighborhood Leader: Doesn't work like that.
Dee Reynolds: You gotta give him a receipt.
Mac: Oh, I would make a copy of the receipt.
Dee Reynolds: No, no, no, you give them the original.
Mac: I would give them the original and I would keep the copy? That seems stupid.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, I'm sorry that that's how reimbursement works.
Mac: What if something happens to the weapons, then I'm shit outta luck?
Dee Reynolds: Oh, well then you just ask them for the original back. I'm sure they got a system in place.
Mac: Why would they keep the original, I'm the one that bought the gun!
Dee Reynolds: Oh, it's a gun now!
Mac: It's always been a gun, Dee!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank's Pretty Woman (#7.1)" (2011)
Mac: I'm healthier than you, bro?
Doctor: I wouldn't exactly say you're healthy. You have Type 2 adult onset diabetes.
[Dennis giggles]

Mac: You want some insulin?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Gun Fever Too: Still Hot (#9.2)" (2013)
[in overly patriotic denim garb]
Mac: Good call on these outfits, dude.
Charlie Kelly: It's the only call.

Mac: Are there any questions?
Cool Kid: Yo, can I get some beer?
Mac: No beer.
Charlie Kelly: No... We said it, like, a million times.
Mac: Guys, how many times do we have to be through this? No beer, okay?
Charlie Kelly: All right, you know, you can't drink beer and be effective.
Cool Kid: But you guys had, like, five.
Mac: Don't count beers, Carlos. Not cool.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah. And by the way, Carlos, I've had six.
Mac: And I've had seven.
Charlie Kelly: So don't be a rat, okay? And if you are gonna be a rat, get it right.
Mac: No more questions. In fact, no more questions.
Cool Kid: You guys are the ones that asked for the questions.
Mac: Shut up, Carlos!
Charlie Kelly: Carlos, shut up!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Misses the Boat (#10.6)" (2015)
Mac: I'm wearing a mesh shirt, and it's totally sweet. You guys probably want me to burn it, but I won't, all right? Now, I like this choice. I like the choices I've made. I like who I am, all right? But I realize I've been lying to myself over the past few years, and I'm done lying, okay? And I've found someone who's gonna allow me to be me.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, good.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, good, all right, yeah.
Dee Reynolds: Great. Finally. Yes.
Dennis Reynolds: Let's do this.
Charlie Kelly: That all makes sense. Let's get this over with.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The High School Reunion Part 2: The Gang's Revenge (#7.13)" (2011)
Dennis Reynolds: [digging through trunk] Oh, they're all gonna pay. They're all gonna pay the ultimate price!
Charlie Kelly: Whoa!
Mac: Dude, what's all that stuff you're grabbing?
Dennis Reynolds: Tools! Tools! Duct tape, zip ties and gloves! I have to have my tools!
Charlie Kelly: Wh-why do you have a bunch of, like, weird tools in a hidden compartment in your car?
Dennis Reynolds: It's fetish- it's fetish shit! I-I-I like to bind, I like to be bound!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Chardee MacDennis 2: Electric Boogaloo (#11.1)" (2016)
Charlie Kelly: [about Mac's phallic clay design] Love?
Mac: Yeah because I was making Cupid's arrow, dude.
Charlie Kelly: Why does it have a big vein running through it?
Mac: Because that's the streak as it flies through the air.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac & Charlie Die: Part 1 (#4.5)" (2008)
Mac: The only way that my dad is not going to kill us is if he thinks we're already dead.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, great, I hope you'd say that. Great, let's kill ourselves. Let's do it.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Invincible (#3.2)" (2007)
Coach: Come on, let's get on the bus.
Mac: Bus? What the hell are you talking about?
Coach: The bus that takes you to the field.
Dennis Reynolds: Wait, I thought we were gonna be playing on the Linc.
Coach: You think you dipshits are gonna be playing on the same field that champions play on?
Mac: Where're we going?
Coach: [mimicking in a high voice] "Where're we going?" We're going to a shitty high school in Berks County. Now get your ass on the bus. If I say it one more time, if I say it *one* more time, if I say it *one* more time! Sprint to the bus! Sprint to the bus!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac's Mom Burns Her House Down (#6.6)" (2010)
Mac: Why are you doing everything in threes?
Charlie's Mom: Oh, so Charlie doesn't die.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac Fights Gay Marriage (#6.1)" (2010)
Mac: I don't have enough facts to support my argument.
Dennis Reynolds: Clearly.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Reynolds vs. Reynolds: The Cereal Defense (#8.10)" (2012)
Mac: This is Aristotle. Thought to be the smartest man on the planet. He believed that the Earth was the center of the universe, and everybody believed him because he was so smart. Until another smartest guy came around, Galileo, and he disproved that theory making Aristotle and everybody else on earth look like a
[slaps sticker on board]
Mac: BITCH! 'Course Galileo then thought that comets were an optical illusion and there's no way that the moon could cause the ocean's tides. Everybody believed that because he was so smart. He was also wrong. Making him and everyone else on Earth
[slaps another sticker on board]
Mac: look like a bitch again. And then, best of all, Sir Issac Newton gets born and blows everybody's nips off with his brains. 'Course he also thought he could turn metal into gold and died eating mercury making him yet another stupid
[slaps 3rd sticker on board]
Mac: BITCH! Are you seeing a pattern?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac Kills His Dad (#10.7)" (2015)
Charlie Kelly: Mom, if you know something, you got to tell me.
Bonnie Kelly: I can't lie to my Charlie.
Charlie Kelly: Good! Tell me everything.
Bonnie Kelly: Okay. They were both here. They were both inside me. Eduardo was in my mouth, and Luther was in my butt.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, my God, no, don't tell me everything. What? No! What?
Mrs. Mac: Dammit, Bonnie.
Mac: Eduardo who?
Bonnie Kelly: Sanchez.
Mac: Holy shit. Tell us more.
Bonnie Kelly: Then Luther went in Eduardo's butt for a while.
Mac: Tell us less. Tell us less.
Bonnie Kelly: Then they both "completed" on each other. I-I was left out of the finale.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Group Dates (#10.2)" (2015)
Charlie Kelly: We can't talk about snakes or smells, what else is there?
Mac: Uh, can you put Jews in the "yes" column? I feel like we gotta get it out in the open.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac & Charlie Die: Part 2 (#4.6)" (2008)
Dee Reynolds: [hysterically] Oh God, I had the weirdest night. It was crazy. As soon as I left Dennis' place I realize I don't have a car, right, so I actually do have to run home by myself through the park in the middle of the night! So I'm on Spring Garden street and this big car full of gangbangers...
Mac: Okay, gangbangers! That is an awesome story, Dee! That's the end of it, right? That can be the end of the story?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Spies Like U.S. (#10.5)" (2015)
Mac: Who cares what Frank prefers? We're buying this food with his stolen credit card.
Waiter: And I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
[awkward pause]


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dee Reynolds: Shaping America's Youth (#6.9)" (2010)
Frank Reynolds: Look at that, James Earl Jones is doing a great black face!
Dennis Reynolds: James Earl Jones has a black face, he's a black man!
Frank Reynolds: He's not black, he was Darth Vader!
Mac: Darth Vader was black.
Frank Reynolds: No. Darth Vader was not black, they took the mask off, he was white!... Look, look, we gotta agree on this: the whole idea is getting the right color shoe polish.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Work (#10.4)" (2015)
Mac: It's just that it was my idea, Dennis. And sorta like the jean shorts, you know, where you...
Dennis Reynolds: LOOK AT ME WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO ME!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Paddy's Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia (#4.8)" (2008)
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, it's a new review by Korman!
Dee Reynolds: [clears throat] "I woke up in my neighbor's bed with a head wound, yesterday's paper, and an empty bottle of sleeping pills and my nightmare in that putrid shithole of a bar Paddy's Pub finally, mercifully came to an end. The owners all deserve to rot in jail, though having to spend every day with each other in that vile establishment is a decidedly greater punishment. That is why I decided not to press charges, leaving them to live in the hell on earth they've created for themselves for the rest of their pathetic and miserable lives."
Mac: Ouch.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, really raked us over the coals there, didn't he?
Mac: Not a good review.
Dennis Reynolds: It's not a good review.
Charlie Kelly: He went right for the throat.
Dennis Reynolds: He sure did. Hey listen, at least he didn't mention our names.
Mac: Yeah, and no pressing charges which is great.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, right, no charges, no names.
Dennis Reynolds: No charges, no names, that's good.
Dee Reynolds: ...I don't know why but I'm a little irritated that he didn't mention my name. I work here!
Charlie Kelly: You feel like he would mention our name, right?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm incredibly annoyed that he didn't mention my name.
Mac: I wish I could live with this but I can't...
Charlie Kelly: It's a story about us!
Mac: I feel like we gotta go talk to him again.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac Day (#9.5)" (2013)
Country Mac: You better jump quick before somebody tries to stop you.
Mac: Trust me, no one's gonna try and stop me.
[car horn honks]
Driver: Jump, asshole!
Mac: Yep. See, in the big city, nobody cares whether you live or die.
Man: Jump, you pussy!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom (#2.4)" (2006)
Mac: Charlie, I have a real dilemma on my hands. Now, normally I would never talk to you about these things because you're so incredibly unreliable, but Dennis, Dee, and Frank are all directly involved in this and I gotta tell somebody man, I am bustin'! Okay... Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me!
Charlie Kelly: Interesting...
Mac: Yeah, man! She got naked, she came on to me, I mean that woman is straight crazy but I think I wanna bang her, man! I know I shouldn't do it, it's...
Charlie Kelly: I think you should do it!
Mac: ...What?
Charlie Kelly: Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime, right?
Mac: Right!
Charlie Kelly: And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.
Mac: Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But, it's Dennis and Dee's mom.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, well that means that no one ever, ever's gonna find out.
Mac: That doesn't make any sense.
Charlie Kelly: It doesn't have to make sense.
Mac: You're right, I'm gonna do it!
[they both laugh maniacally]


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank Retires (#10.9)" (2015)
Charlie Kelly: Mac, why the hell did you sprint ahead of me, man?
Mac: Oh, 'cause I'm playing both sides.
Dennis Reynolds: Jesus Christ.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank Falls Out the Window (#11.2)" (2016)
Mac: This time it'll be you and I that bang the strippers.
Charlie Kelly: Right. Why do you want to bang them, oh, because it's 2006 and you're still into women. Crazy
Mac: Huh?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Recycles Their Trash (#8.2)" (2012)
Dennis Reynolds: Guys, we're forsaking the group dynamic, okay? And truthfully, Charlie, come on. I mean, nobody wants a wild card, okay? It doesn't make any sense. We don't want a maniac in our group. There's no benefit to it.
Charlie Kelly: Mm-hmm.
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, I feel like you just agreed with me but you weren't listening to what I was saying.
Charlie Kelly: Yes...
[points to Mac and Dennis]
Mac: You pointed at me like I said something but I didn't.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, good.
Mac: Charlie, having someone making wild decisions that make no sense, that benefits nobody.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, yes. Right, yes.
Dennis Reynolds: Is he listen...?
Mac: He's listening. He's not understanding.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, he doesn't even, like, get us, man. It's...
Dennis Reynolds: We're talking about you!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank's Back in Business (#8.7)" (2012)
Dennis Reynolds: Mac, these gentlemen are courting me for my business savvy. How's it gonna reflect on me if I promote my bodyguard to VP after a two-minute conversation at a ball game?
Mac: It's not gonna reflect on you at all because you're not Brian LeFeve.
Dennis Reynolds: ...I'm not what?
Mac: Dude, clearly you were floundering.
Dennis Reynolds: Mac, I was gathering information so that I can more fully become this man. Look, look, this is about much more than just business. This is about the thrill of wearing another man's skin. Feeling his innermost wants and desires and being in control of his every single move. That's how you get off. Now don't you guys want to get off with me?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead (#3.3)" (2007)
Dennis Reynolds: Look, we need to start the healing process. Okay? I'm devastated over here. We need to throw a big-ass party. Because I need to be amongst friends. Let's call the crew. Let's round up the boys!
Charlie Kelly: Round the crew up!
Dennis Reynolds: And let's have a kick-ass party!
Charlie Kelly: We got the diary! And the crew!
Dennis Reynolds, Charlie Kelly: [singing] The boys are back in town. The boys are back in town.
Mac: [checking cell phone] I have two numbers in my phone. Charlie and Dennis.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Got Molested (#1.7)" (2005)
Mac: If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?
Dennis Reynolds: You're going to hell, dude.
Dee Reynolds: Seriously.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Wrestles for the Troops (#5.7)" (2009)
[after their "Birds of War" performance]
Dennis Reynolds: They are not responding to the pageantry at all.
Mac: The second verse is completely ridiculous.
Dennis Reynolds: The second verse is necessary to clarify what we are!
Charlie Kelly: We're mic'd. We're mic'd, our microphones are on.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Pop-Pop: The Final Solution (#8.1)" (2012)
Mac: [wearing goggles] Now I can determine a subject's threat level without him being able to feel my retinal assessment.
Charlie Kelly: Which is a great advantage because the guy can't see how scared Mac is.
Mac: Yes, and- No, that's not what it's about.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, I thought you were scared every time...
Mac: That's classified!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac and Charlie Write a Movie (#5.11)" (2009)
Mac: He always puts some like awesome twist at the end of his movies to trick the audience.
Charlie Kelly: Aw yeah, yeah, like in The Sixth Sense you find out that the dude in that hair piece the whole time, that's Bruce Willis the whole movie.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore (#7.2)" (2011)
Mac: Whoa! What's that? You were supposed to get booze.
Frank Reynolds: Oh, this is ham soaked in rum. It is loaded with booze.
Mac: Goddammit, Frank, eating your drinks? That is genius!
Frank Reynolds: Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes, getting ripshit on ham.
Mac: Might you say we're getting "hammered"?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Who Got Dee Pregnant? (#6.7)" (2010)
Dennis Reynolds: You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.
Charlie Kelly: He eats theater people.
Dennis Reynolds: No, he doesn't.
Mac: I think he might.
Frank Reynolds: He does.
Dennis Reynolds: And I'm surprised you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is.
Mac: He might not.
Frank Reynolds: He doesn't.
Charlie Kelly: No, I don't. I don't.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Runs for Office (#2.8)" (2006)
Dee Reynolds: [discussing high taxes] Why don't you try voting for once?
Mac: And what? Vote for the democrat who's going to blast me in the ass? Or the republican who's going to blast my ass? Either way, politics is all one big ass blasting.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Flowers for Charlie (#9.8)" (2013)
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, listen, when it comes to intelligence, I think you'll find that I am your man.
Dee Reynolds: Or perhaps a man is not what you're looking for at all.
Mac: I'm afraid my friend Dennis confuses book learning with brainpower. But you and me, we know different, huh?
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, "you and I."
Mac: What? No, not you and I. Him and I, idiot.
Dee Reynolds: In case I was being unclear, nerds, I will bang one or both of you.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Cracks the Liberty Bell (#4.11)" (2008)
Charlie Kelly: [refering to a George Washington painting] Now why would you hang a painting like this on your wall?
Mac: Well, it's the Historical Society bro, they have to hang it up.
Charlie Kelly: What, we gotta suffer just 'cause some old dude who looks like Meryl Streep chopped down a cherry tree like ten million years ago? It's just, he looks terrible!
Mac: You know what? Let's take it down. It's just gonna distract us through the meeting.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, let's get it down man. It's not gonna, it's not gonna work.
Dennis Reynolds: Let's take it down. I'm gonna tear it down.
[pulls painting]
Dennis Reynolds: Unbelievable. It's bolted to the wall.
Charlie Kelly: Well that proves our point man, we're not the first people to try to take that thing down.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, well we're gonna be the first ones to actually succeed. Come on, let's tear it down, Charlie.
Charlie Kelly: Let's just rip it off the wall.
Dennis Reynolds: Rip it right off the wall...
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, guys, guys. I got a pocket knife. Just cut it out of the frame.