Dee Reynolds
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Quotes for
Dee Reynolds (Character)
from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (2005)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Hundred Dollar Baby (#2.5)" (2006)
Dee Reynolds: [talking on the phone while on steroids] Yes dad, I know the fight is in a few hours, all right? I'm trying to find my goddamn head-band. Is that okay? Is that okay with you, if I find my head-band before I come down there? Is that all right with you dad? Jesus! Why didn't we get the orange one like I said? This one might as well be goddamn camoflaged!
[Dee punches her wall in rage]
Dee Reynolds: [screaming] Oh, good! Are you happy now? I just punched a hole in my wall!

Dee Reynolds: [seeing Frank load up a lot of weight onto a bar] Uh, that looks really heavy.
Frank Reynolds: Look, this is not gonna be a half-assed workout. We gotta really get into it. It's gonna hurt.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, but I can't lift that.
Frank Reynolds: Just position yourself under the bar and listen to me. Alright, here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna take all the weight on your neck. Then, you're gonna jam your legs down and hyperextend your ankles and then shoot back up and lock your knees in place.
Dee Reynolds: None of of those things sound right to me... at all.
Frank Reynolds: Look. You wanna fight like a man? You gotta train like a man.

Shady Woman: Men are suck pricks.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, tell me about it.
Shady Woman: I bet you're real tired of them pushing you around.
Dee Reynolds: Oh God, you have no idea.
Shady Woman: If only there was a way that you could be physically tough enough to intimidate men...
Dee Reynolds: I'm sorry. Do I know you?
Shady Woman: Let's just say that I provide a much needed service around this place. Step into the shadows and, uh, we'll talk.

Bobby Thunderstorm: Hey, now we're talking here. She's a killer!
Dee Reynolds: You're goddamn right I'm a killer.
Brianna: You look like a holocaust victim in pageant makeup.
Dee Reynolds: I will eat your babies, bitch!
Brianna: Bring it!
Frank Reynolds: Nobody's eating anybody's babies.
Bobby Thunderstorm: Hey, you looking to spur, little girl?
Frank Reynolds: No, no. No fight. She's not ready.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, I'm ready.
Frank Reynolds: No, no, you're not ready.
Dee Reynolds: I'm ready! Let me eat her babies!

Dee Reynolds: [upon finding her steroids are gone] Who took my shit?
Charlie Kelly: [quietly] I might have had some.
Dee Reynolds: What did you just say, you little bitch?
Charlie Kelly: I might have had some of your pills or whatever.
Dee Reynolds: Oh yeah?
[Dee walks over to Charlie and gets in his face]
Dee Reynolds: [filled with rage] I am gonna punch a hole through your face!

Dee Reynolds: Oh, I have an idea, Dad. Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face and hold the bag? I'm going to paralyze this bitch.

Dee Reynolds: Rocky IV is not the greatest move of all time.
Dennis Reynolds: What do you consider to be a good movie?
Dee Reynolds: I don't know, Million Dollar Baby or something.
Dennis Reynolds: Are you serious? No way!
Dee Reynolds: It won an Oscar!
Charlie Kelly: It has Stallone punching a Russian's face in to all smithereens!
Mac: Lifting anvils and shit, pulling a truck through snow.
Dennis Reynolds: Million Dollar Baby is totally unrealistic. Girls can't fight, they don't have muscles.
Dee Reynolds: That is a horribly sexist thing to say.
Dennis Reynolds: It's not sexist, it's just truthful, you know.
Charlie Kelly: Girls can't pull trucks through snow.
Dee Reynolds: Could you pull a truck through snow?
Charlie Kelly: I absolutely could!
Dee Reynolds: You can barely walk through the snow, Charlie.
Dennis Reynolds: That is true.
Charlie Kelly: Okay, is the truck in Park or Neutral?
Mac: That is a good question.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Wants an Abortion (#1.2)" (2005)
Dee Reynolds: Did you have sex with her?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah.
Dee Reynolds: Well, did you use birth control?
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, Dee, we're from a Catholic school.
Dee Reynolds: So, premarital sex is all right, but you're not allowed to use birth control?
Charlie Kelly: Okay, now you're just twisting words around and getting cute.

Tommy: You're ugly.
Charlie Kelly: You're ugly.
Tommy: You're ugly!
Charlie Kelly: You are the one that's ugly!
Dee Reynolds: Charlie, Jesus Christ! Are you almost 30? Are you almost 30 years old?
Charlie Kelly: Yes.
Tommy: You have to buy me a toy.
Charlie Kelly: I don't have to buy you shit!
Tommy: If you don't buy me anything, I'm gonna telly my mom you took me to a black people's house!

Dee Reynolds: [on her pro-choice poster] Viva la Vulva

Dee Reynolds: You're gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?
Dennis Reynolds: I don't really have any convictions.

Dee Reynolds: Well, I'm going to go, at least one pro-choice voice will be heard.
Mac: One? There was, like, tons of those chicks at the last one.
Dennis Reynolds: Which side had more?
Dee Reynolds: Oh, which one do you think? I one that cares about protecting womens bodies or the one thats run by the religious right?
Dennis Reynolds: Probably the side you're going to. I'm going to fight for the right to choose.

Dennis Reynolds: I think all these chicks are gay.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay. I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.

Mac: [on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!
Dee Reynolds: Is he jo...? Is that...? Are you... joking?
Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good.
Dee Reynolds: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
Dennis Reynolds: [to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac Is a Serial Killer (#3.10)" (2007)
Frank Reynolds: I'm going to go oil my chainsaw.
Dee Reynolds: What?
Dennis Reynolds: Frank, we don't need the chainsaw. Is that what's in that bag?
Frank Reynolds: Oh, we do... because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance... a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.
Dennis Reynolds: He makes less and less sense as the days go by.
Dee Reynolds: I don't get it... at all.

Dennis Reynolds: [the gang talks about the city's serial killer as Mac suddenly walks into the bar] This guy got laid last night!
Mac: [nervously] No, I didn't!
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you did. You didn't come last night.
Mac: Yes, I did!
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, those are the same clothes you were wearing yesterday.
Mac: No, they aren't. They're different clothes.
Dennis Reynolds: Hey, what's with those scratches on your neck?
Mac: Scratches? What scratches? I've... I've gotta take a piss. Stop asking me questions.
[runs into the bathroom]
Dee Reynolds: Well, that was weird.
Charlie Kelly: I wonder what got into him.
Frank Reynolds: Serial killin'!

Pimp: [spotting Dee in her skimpy outfit] Damn, girl! Who you wit?
Dee Reynolds: I think you have the wrong idea. I'm not with anybody.
Pimp: Word. Well, lookee here: Maybe if you get up off that crack rock, you can come and be Pepper Jack's best ho.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, I'm not on any crack rock. I mean... Okay, one time I was hooked on the crack rock. That was because I was trying to get on welfare and I failed a drug test. But that stuff, you gotta be careful. It'll mess you... Why are you asking? Do you have some on you?

Dee Reynolds: [to Dennis who is hiding in bushes] Dennis!
Dennis Reynolds: Dee! What the hell are you doing? Get out of here! You're gonna blow my cover.
Dee Reynolds: This seems extraordinarily dangerous.
Dennis Reynolds: Dee, that is the point of being here. This is the area of the highest concentration of murders by the serial killer.
Dee Reynolds: I know, that's why I feel like a sitting duck out there.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, you volunteered for this, sis, okay? As you recall, I didn't want to use you as the bait: You do not fit the profile.
Dee Reynolds: [annoyed] I fit the profile, Dennis!
Dennis Reynolds: That's the right attitude.
[refers to Dee's breasts]
Dennis Reynolds: Now, pull these out or something. You need to look sexy for this guy. Otherwise he's never gonna... come on.
Dee Reynolds: I just feel this is a very inappropriate outfit for how cold it is out here.
Dennis Reynolds: Is it cold out here?
Dee Reynolds: [irritated] It's freezing!
Dennis Reynolds: See, I don't feel that. I have a down jacket, a wool blanket... It's a very toasty situation I got back here. Get back out there, Tiger. You can do it! I believe in you.

[Mac lets Charlie overhear Mac talking on the phone with a woman called Sandy, who unbeknownst to them is actually Dee disguising her voice]
Dee Reynolds: This is Mac, right? Good looking guy, great sense of humor, really bulky.
Mac: Uh, more ripped.
Charlie Kelly: Strike that.
Mac: Jacked.
Charlie Kelly: Irrelevant.
Mac: Toned.
Charlie Kelly: Exaggeration.
Mac: I work out.
Charlie Kelly: I'll allow it.

Dennis Reynolds: [Dennis walks out with a turtleneck and a clipboard as Mac arrives for a blind date] Who are you here to see?
Mac: My friend Sandy.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, Sandy. Sandy, huh? Is Sandy a young, attractive, blond girl?
Mac: I have no idea.
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, Sandy, why don't you come out here, please?
Dee Reynolds: [walks out] Oh, hello, Mac.
Dennis Reynolds: Not so young and attractive, is she?

Dee Reynolds: Did you bring the condoms?
Mac: Ooooh. Not a fan of the whole condom thing.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass (#2.9)" (2006)
Dee Reynolds: So, Artemis, the last time we talked I know things got a little weird, with you licking my brother's face and all. But I need your help with an acting gig, my friend is really dragging me down.
Artemis: What's the venue?
Dee Reynolds: A sidewalk.
Artemis: I don't do sidewalks.
Dee Reynolds: That's what I thought. But if you think about it, it's the only true form of artistic expression.
Artemis: Is there any nudity involved?
Dee Reynolds: No.
Artemis: Can there be?
Dee Reynolds: No
Artemis: I'll do it anyways.

Mac: Well, then, what would you say?
Dennis Reynolds: She's a quitter.
Dee Reynolds: You know what, I don't even care! I don't care.
Dennis Reynolds: And that proves my point. Because you don't care, you never succeed.
Mac: Right. Failed.
Dennis Reynolds: Failure implies that she actually *tried* to be an actor.
Dee Reynolds: Okay, I did try, it just didn't happen to work out.
Frank Reynolds: It's not your fault, sweetie. You're just not pretty enough.
Dee Reynolds: Wow, thank you! That's my dad, everybody.

Dennis Reynolds: If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.
Charlie Kelly: I *work* in this bar. I work here.
Dennis Reynolds: But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here, okay? Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom, they strip it away from smokers
Frank Reynolds: Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
Dee Reynolds: You went to Vietnam in *1993* to open up a sweatshop!
Frank Reynolds: And a lot of good men died in that sweatshop.

Dennis Reynolds: If Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
Charlie Kelly: You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution, man.
Mac: Uh, he knows more than you two un-American freedom haters.
Dennis Reynolds: Thank you.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Eww, we hate it.
Dennis Reynolds: You hate it.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, *I'm* un-American?
Frank Reynolds: You're practically a Viet Cong.

Charlie Kelly: You wanna talk America? You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let's roll out of here.
Dee Reynolds: Where are we going?
Charlie Kelly: We're gonna go America all over their asses!

Artemis: Is there any nudity?
Dee Reynolds: No.
Artemis: Can there be?

Dee Reynolds: I am not a failure!
Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.
Mac: Dee is a failure.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack (#4.10)" (2008)
Dee Reynolds: You know what, I gotta be honest with you, I think these supplements are doing a great job on their own, you know what I mean? I got tons of energy, my heart rates up, things are going great...
Dennis Reynolds: Absolutely. I feel great too. Look how vascular I am, look at how my veins are poppin'.
Dee Reynolds: Holy shit.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, I look good AND I feel good.
Dee Reynolds: I feel good too apart from the recent bounds of explosive diarrhea.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh. You've been having diarrhea?
Dee Reynolds: Oh God, all over the place.
Dennis Reynolds: Really? Well you know what that is, that's probably your body flushing out all the toxins.
Dee Reynolds: You think so?
Dennis Reynolds: I do think so yeah, yeah. I on the other hand have not taken a shit in days.
Dee Reynolds: Days?
Dennis Reynolds: Days.
Dee Reynolds: That doesn't sound good.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, no it's good. My body's working at 100% efficiency. Yeah, my body is absorbing every single nutrient and it's not wasting a single thing.
Dee Reynolds: Your body is taking it's job very seriously.
Dennis Reynolds: My body's doing it's job like it's never done it before.

Dee Reynolds: Why don't we up the supplements which we know work and eliminate working out which we know blows.
Dennis Reynolds: That sounds like a pretty good plan. You know what? I'm gonna take it one step further and propose that we start working on a muscle that we've been neglecting this entire time. And it's the most important muscle in the entire body.
[takes out fitness instructor's CD and inserts his own into the CD player]
Dee Reynolds: Which muscle?
Dennis Reynolds: The face.
[Steve Winwood's "Higher Love" begins playing]
Dennis Reynolds: That's a gift for you, Bumble Bee. Come on.
Dee Reynolds: Enjoy it, Coach Dick 'n' Balls.

Dee Reynolds: What the shit is this?
Charlie Kelly: Uh, Cheech over here bought himself a bong.
Frank Reynolds: [taking a massive bong rip] Holy shit Deandra, this is wacky. I want you to go download me a hoagie off the internet.
Dee Reynolds: I'm sorry? Those words don't make any s- sense... Oh God, you guys... Oh, weird, I feel weird.
Mac: Rip another one, bro.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, say something else stupid too.
Dee Reynolds: My arm's kinda numb. Dennis, can you feel my head? Is it hot, am I hot?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not touching you.
Dee Reynolds: I'm serious you guys, something's not right. I...
Frank Reynolds: You think there's bitches in the bar?
Mac: What?
Frank Reynolds: Bitches in the bar.
Dee Reynolds: I feel like... I'm being really serious you guys, I need some help...
[faints]
Dennis Reynolds: Uh God, what is her problem?
Charlie Kelly: I don't know.
[cue title "Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack"]

Dennis Reynolds: You know what's scary about this whole thing really is that I have the same genes as her.
Mac: Yeah, I'm concerned for myself and Charlie as well. We lead a very rock 'n' roll lifestyle.
Charlie Kelly: I know!
Dee Reynolds: I just had a heart attack! Can we focus on me for two minutes here?
Charlie Kelly: I feel like we did talk about you...
Mac: Dee, your ship has sailed, okay? It's time to move on to us, the people who are going to live on. Guys, we gotta make sure this does not happen to us.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, that's the important thing here. We need to focus on ourselves.

Dennis Reynolds: Now, you're clear on these instructions, right?
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you know... you know what you're doing? They're in Spanish.
Dee Reynolds: Ehh, yeah but you know, if you know Latin you know like three languages so...
Dennis Reynolds: Well, as far as I know you don't speak Latin.
Dee Reynolds: I don't speak Latin but there's pictures in here so I think we're good.

Dee Reynolds: [looking in a mirror after injecting Dennis' face] Number one, I'd like to get rid of these crow's feet that I have been noticing coming in which I do not appreciate. And hear me out on this one, it's a little weird. I'm thinking about doing something to my earlobes. I've never really liked my earlobes...
[puts mirror down and notices Dennis' swollen red eye]
Dee Reynolds: Ahh! Jesus.
Dennis Reynolds: What?
Dee Reynolds: How's that eye feel?
Dennis Reynolds: It feels a little weird. I'm having a little trouble seeing out of it. That's normal, right?
Dee Reynolds: I don't think so.
Dennis Reynolds: It's not? Really? Oh God, now that you mention it, sis, I do feel a fair amount of pain coming on. God, it stings.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah? Uh-huh. Uhh, shit Dennis, I think maybe I switched these up.
Dennis Reynolds: You switched 'em up? What the hell!
Dee Reynolds: I don't know, maybe I put some collagen in your eye!
Dennis Reynolds: You injected Mexican collagen in my eye?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention (#5.4)" (2009)
Dennis Reynolds: We're caring people. That's our nature.
Tabitha: Um, what's Frank struggling with the most right now?
Dee Reynolds: Ooh, he is trying to bang our aunt.
Dennis Reynolds: That's the big one.
Tabitha: These things deal more with drug and alchohol abuse.
Dennis Reynolds: Drugs and alcohol are rolled into what we're talking about here.
Tabitha: So he does have a drinking problem.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, big time!
Dee Reynolds: Oh, lady.

Dee Reynolds: So how do we go about doing this? We ambush him, and just sorta barate him into being the guy we wanna be around?
Tabitha: No, you certainly don't barate him. He needs to know your coming from a place of love and concern.
Dennis Reynolds: Too soft. I think we should come at him with an iron fist and crush him into submission.
Charlie Kelly: Right, right, and you know what, if we're taking that approch you might want to be armed at this intervention.
Tabitha: Why-why would I need to be armed?
Charlie Kelly: Well, Frank's usually carrying like a little gun around with him and he doesn't really hesitate to use it.
Dennis Reynolds: And you know what? Have the gun out and ready to rock.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, in fact we can all have- we'll all have guns.
Dee Reynolds: It's just safer.
Charlie Kelly: You know what, if we maybe ambush Frank with a net or some kind of like rope device, the gun will maybe drop out of his waist.
Dee Reynolds: You want to bring him in a net?
Dennis Reynolds: That could get awkward. I say bring a gun.
Dee Reynolds: Just bring the gun.
Charlie Kelly: I don't want to get shot so just bring a gun, will ya?

Dee Reynolds: I'm assuming you wouldn't have lured him down by a fire. Is that- is that what your face is doing right now?
Tabitha: Yeah, uh, and I wouldn't have an intervention at a bar either.

Dee Reynolds: What is "Night Crawlers"?
Dennis Reynolds: It's a game where they crawl around in the night like worms.
Charlie Kelly: I never said that.
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, well that's what it is.

Tabitha: You know, I do offer group therapy.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah...
Dennis Reynolds: What are you doing?
Dee Reynolds: What is this you're doing?
Dennis Reynolds: What is that? What is that?
Tabitha: With all due respect, you're talking about bringing guns to an intervention, and you're drinking wine out of a soda can.
Dee Reynolds: [smiling] Yeah.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, you put wine in the soda can? That's good.
Dee Reynolds: You didn't know, did you? Soda.
Charlie Kelly: You stole Frank's idea.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, yeah, actually it's a pretty good one.
Charlie Kelly: It's a good idea. I mean, the guy's got great ideas.
Dee Reynolds: He's a smart man. That's not what we're here about.
Charlie Kelly: But I do feel like she just tried an intervention on us.
Dennis Reynolds: Did you intervene on us? Is that what that was? You know what I'm feeling? I'm feeling like you've lost control of the room here and, really, we're the ones that are running things now.
Dee Reynolds: I've lost my trust in you. I feel like we can do this on our own.
Dennis Reynolds: I think we can do the intervention on our own without her.
Charlie Kelly: You guys think?
Dee Reynolds: Why not?
Charlie Kelly: All right, might as well give it a shot.
Dennis Reynolds: Let's just do that.
Dee Reynolds: Thank you.
Charlie Kelly: Thanks for your help. You did your best. Uh, no hard feelings. I'm gonna grab some of this literature too.
Dennis Reynolds: She didn't do that great of a job.
Charlie Kelly: No, I mean, don't beat her while she's down, man.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare (#2.3)" (2006)
Crack Dealer: Whatchu need?
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, one please.
Crack Dealer: One what?
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, one... rock of crack... A crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough?
Dee Reynolds: Um, how much would you recommend for a first time user?
Crack Dealer: Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. Two for the price of one.
Dee Reynolds: Really? Oh, that's very nice of you.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, that sounds good. How much?
Crack Dealer: 200 dollars?
Dennis Reynolds: Sounds reasonable, great. Okay.
[slides money through window]

[repeated line]
Dee Reynolds: Later, boners.

Sweet Dee: Well, we'll just go back to work for a little while.
Dennis: Just for a little while until we have enough money to buy some more crack.
Sweet Dee: And then we'll go on welfare and I'll go be a star.
Dennis: And then I can be a veterinarian of some kind...
Sweet Dee: Maybe we should think about rehab.
Dennis: We should hit rehab as soon as possible.
Sweet Dee: Soon, in a couple days. Not now.
Dennis: Yeah...

Frank Reynolds: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls stealing my money. This shows leadership. I am promoting you to management.
Charlie Kelly: That's why I did it. That is why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank Reynolds: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Dee Reynolds: How come Charlie...? Not fair... How come Charlie...?
Dennis Reynolds: Why would you do this to us, Dad?
Frank Reynolds: Because you are crackheads, children.

Dennis Reynolds: [going to buy crack to get on welfare] Okay, we'll smoke a little bit. Just enough to get it into our system.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, and then we'll go to the doctor and we'll get all of our paperwork and we'll get full benefits.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, and then we'll just collect for just a little while, until we get settled. And then, uh, I'll take the MCATs.
Dee Reynolds: And I'll move to New York. Perfect.
[notices crack dealer outside car]
Dee Reynolds: Ahh!
Dennis Reynolds: Ohh! My God! Whew.
Dee Reynolds: Jesus!
Dennis Reynolds: Wow, you scared us. Oh, not 'cause you're black. No, no, no, we're not racist.
Dee Reynolds: No, no, God no.
Dennis Reynolds: No, it's just that the neighborhood is scary...
Dee Reynolds: If you were another ethnicity you'd pop, you'd really pop up.
Dennis Reynolds: But it's a nice neighborhood, I mean, it's okay... It's the nature of this...
Crack Dealer: Roll your window down.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Gets Crippled (#2.1)" (2006)
Dennis Reynolds: You don't snoop and sneak and appear from behind cars!
Frank Reynolds: I'm sorry, I had something important to tell you guys.
Dennis Reynolds: We just ran over our friend with a car, what could be more important than that?
Frank Reynolds: Try this on for size... You're mother's dead.
Dee Reynolds: ...What?... Oh, no...
Frank Reynolds: ...No, she's not dead. We're getting divorced though.

[Dee pulls out a stuffed toy elephant]
Dennis Reynolds: Mr. Tibbs.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, is that it? Is that Mr. Tibbs? Is that what they call you? They call you Mr. Tibbs.
[Dee rips off Mr. Tibbs' head]
Dee Reynolds: What do they call you now?
Dennis Reynolds: Whatever. I don't care.
Dee Reynolds: Huh.
[Dennis turns away and silently gasps]

Dee Reynolds: What's going on down there?
Wayne: Those two guys are pretending to be disabled and kicking each other's asses.
Dee Reynolds: What a bunch of scumbags.
[Dee drags herself away in her back-brace and crutches]

Dennis Reynolds: Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?
Dee Reynolds: Same thing you're doing. I'm not letting dad give all this shit to poor people
Dennis Reynolds: Alright, hey I got here first though. I'm taking the plasma TV and I'm taking the fish tank.
Dee Reynolds: How come you get to pick and choose?
Dennis Reynolds: It's not that I get to pick and choose, it's that I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things. You're a woman, you're weak and... you can't.
Dee Reynolds: You're a woman and you're weak.
Dennis Reynolds: That doesn't make any sense
Dee Reynolds: You don't make any sense.

Dennis Reynolds: What did you say about the money?
Frank Reynolds: I'm giving it all away.
Dee Reynolds: That is a very stupid thing to do.
Dennis Reynolds: You're a very stupid, stupid man.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Runs for Office (#2.8)" (2006)
Frank Reynolds: There's nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who's smart and attractive; we have to pretend you're both!
Sweet Dee: Wow, you're a horrible father.

Frank Reynolds: A woman in politics is like a donkey doing calculus.
Dee Reynolds: There are plenty of good women politicians.
Frank Reynolds: Name one.
Dee Reynolds: Um, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton
Frank Reynolds: Awful!
Dee Reynolds: How is she awful?
Frank Reynolds: Hates freedom.

Dee Reynolds: [discussing high taxes] Why don't you try voting for once?
Mac: And what? Vote for the democrat who's going to blast me in the ass? Or the republican who's going to blast my ass? Either way, politics is all one big ass blasting.

[Charlie and Frank are looking at Garbage Pail Kids cards]
Sweet Dee: Are those the stupid cards where babies are doing disgusting things?
Charlie Kelly: No, Dee. These are those amazing cards where babies are doing hysterical things.

Frank Reynolds: There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive. We have to pretend you're both!
Dee Reynolds: Wow, you're a horrible father.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Racist (#1.1)" (2005)
Dee Reynolds: I had the craziest dream last night that I was in Cleveland, Ohio - which is really weird because I've never been to Ohio. And this guy was wearing a bunny suit, and he was coming out of...
Dennis Reynolds: [interrupting her] You know what Dee, I don't want to hear about your dream, okay? I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them, and nobody's having sex, I just... don't care.

Charlie Kelly: Dude, it's not so much that they don't like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? 'Cause you're an asshole!
Mac: [to Dee] Is that true?
Dee Reynolds: ...Yeah, kinda.

[Dee and Dennis are behind the bar]
Handsome Guy: No, we're waiting for the cute one.
Dee Reynolds: What cute one?

Mac: Look, everybody! Sweet Dee's here!
Dee Reynolds: Hey, everybody!
Charlie Kelly: Whoa, whoa! What are you doing here?
Janell: Charlie?
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, whoa, what is going on here? You guys know each other?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, that's the crazy bitch that punched me in my eye!
Terrell: Charlie! That's my sister!
Mac: Now, just to clarify, when you say sister, you mean...
Terrell: I mean my sister.
Mac: Yeah! Okay! This is great because earlier, you were implying that I was racist because you thought that I was implying that all black people are related, and then it turns out that you people actually are!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Whacked: Part 1 (#3.12)" (2007)
Charlie Kelly: Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money.
Dee Reynolds: What?
Charlie Kelly: Yes, I did!
Dee Reynolds: No, you didn't!
Charlie Kelly: I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?
Dee Reynolds: He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.

Dennis Reynolds: Oh my God, we are so screwed. How are we going to get $25,000 by Friday?
Frank Reynolds: Don't look at me. You made this bed; you're sleeping in it. This is a life lesson for you.
Dennis Reynolds: Frank, this is not the time to be throwing down life lessons, alright? We are going to get whacked off by a bunch of scary Italian guys.
Charlie Kelly: Did they say they were going to whack us off?
Dennis Reynolds: They implied they wanted to whack us all off!
Dee Reynolds: Nobody's gonna get whacked off today, okay? Listen: we're gonna take the money, we'll go get our drugs back from Bingo, we'll give it to the mob, and we'll pretend none of this ever happened.

Dee Reynolds: [drops a bag of Oxycontin on the pool table] Boom.
Frank Reynolds: What am I supposed to do with that?
Mac: You tell us.
Charlie Kelly: Bingo told us you know how to sell those drugs.
Frank Reynolds: I told you not to involve me in that! Did you mention my name?
Dennis Reynolds: First thing we did.
Dee Reynolds: You gonna harp on it all day?
Frank Reynolds: Goddammit! The guy's gonna skin me alive.
Charlie Kelly: He is gonna skin you alive.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, he mentioned something about it.
Dennis Reynolds: Will you just pay the mob off so we don't have to sell these pills?
Frank Reynolds: Dennis, I am not using any more of my money!
Dennis Reynolds: The mob is gonna kill us, man!
Frank Reynolds: Look, if I cave on this, I'm gonna be bailing you guys out for the rest of my life. I'm putting my foot down on this one. You bitches gotta earn your own money!

Mac: Frank, you are gonna get us into that country club you used to belong to and we're gonna sell the pills there.
Dennis Reynolds: That'd be a good place to sell those pills.
Mac: Yes, thank you very much.
Frank Reynolds: You can't make no $25,000 from that amount of pills. How long you got?
Mac: 'til Friday.
Frank Reynolds: Mm-mmm. You're gonna have to turn a trick or two; go into prostitution.
Dee Reynolds: You are disgusting! How could you suggest - I am absolutely not doing that!
Frank Reynolds: I wasn't talking about you. Guys at those country clubs get hotter broads than you.
Dennis Reynolds: I would think, yeah.
Mac: Yeah.
Frank Reynolds: I was saying the male escort is really hard to come by.
Charlie Kelly: I'm picking up what you're putting down. I'll do it.
Frank Reynolds: Eh, Charlie, you're not quite cut from the right cloth.
Mac: Okay. Make it me.
Frank Reynolds: Mac, you're too low class. All those women are gonna thing they're gonna catch somethin' from you.
Mac: They are.
Dennis Reynolds: They will.
Frank Reynolds: I was thinking about Dennis.
Dennis Reynolds: Right. Now, Frank, will any of these women be attractive in any way?
Frank Reynolds: Probably not.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad (#2.10)" (2006)
Dennis Reynolds: I am not banging my sister.
Barbara Reynolds: Jesus Christ! What have I walked into here?
Dee Reynolds: Oh my God.
Barbara Reynolds: You two aren't having *sex* together...
Dennis Reynolds: No, we're not having sex.
Frank Reynolds: What the hell is she doing here?
Dee Reynolds: Sit down please, Mom.
Barbara Reynolds: I am not getting pulled into any sort of perverted sex talk.
Dennis Reynolds: It's not perverted!
Frank Reynolds: Banging your sister is perverted, Dennis!
Dennis Reynolds: [shouts] I am not banging my sister!

Mac: What in the hell is a MySpace page?
Dee Reynolds: It's like that friends forum.
Dennis Reynolds: Dude, these things are actually pretty awesome. You create a profile, and then you put your picture on there, and then other people send you pictures of themselves and they want to be your friend.
Mac: Wow, so that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You guys are losers.
Dennis Reynolds: How are we losers, dude?
Mac: Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: computers are for losers.
Dennis Reynolds: And you're drinking a beer at 8 o'clock in the morning.
Mac: Whatever, dude, irrelevant.

Dee Reynolds: We need to talk to you about something, Dad.
Frank Reynolds: Shoot.
Dennis Reynolds: It's kind of disturbing.
Frank Reynolds: You two aren't banging, are you?
Dee Reynolds: What?
Dennis Reynolds: No! What are you talking about?
Dee Reynolds: No, that's disgusting.
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, yeah it is. Stay away from that kind of thing. No good can come of it, trust me.

Dennis Reynolds: Hey, pal. How- how you feeling?
Boy in ICU: It hurts everywhere.
Dennis Reynolds: Well...
Dee Reynolds: Well, it- Everything's gonna be okay.
Barbara Reynolds: You don't know that, Deandra.
Dee Reynolds: Shut up, Mother.
Barbara Reynolds: I don't think we should be lying to the sick children.
Dee Reynolds: I was trying to be encouraging.
Barbara Reynolds: Well, what if he doesn't get better? You're gonna look like a fool.
Dennis Reynolds: Mom, I gotta say I agree with Dee. I mean, the kid's gonna die anyway. What difference does it make?
Boy in ICU: I can hear you.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Waitress Is Getting Married (#5.5)" (2009)
Dee Reynolds: In the meantime I'll try to sabotage the wedding by luring Brad away from her.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeaaah.
Mac: Dee, save yourself the embarassment.

Mrs. Mac: This party sucks!
Dee Reynolds: You suck!
Charlie's Mom: I need a ride!
Dee Reynolds: Oh, really? Well, I ain't giving you shit, you old bitch!

Dee Reynolds: Brad Fisher, no way! You look amazing! Your acne cleared up really well.
Brad Fisher: I kinda grew into myself.
Dee Reynolds: Yes, you did. Yes, you did. Why did I ever break up with you?
Brad Fisher: It was 'cause of the acne.
Dee Reynolds: Was it 'cause of the acne?
Brad Fisher: Yeah, uh, when it got real bad you dumped me and you said it was 'cause I was gonna grow up to look like Edward James Olmos.

Dee Reynolds: [ambushing the waitress and Brad] Is it a yes or a no 'cause you're kinda holding up traffic here, it's just- it's rude.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Nightman Cometh (#4.13)" (2008)
Dee Reynolds: [singing] Tiny boy / little boy / baby boy / I need you... Tiny boy / baby boy / want to make love to you, boy...

Charlie Kelly: She also transcribed my work into a format you might consider a little bit more legible.
Dee Reynolds: Or literate. She added words to it.

Dee Reynolds: Charlie, don't screw me like this. Come on.
Charlie Kelly: Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee, let me try and remember something. Let's see, was it, did Dee write a musical and come to Charlie with it? No! Charlie wrote a musical and came to Dee with it, and the gang. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves, and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams. So let me tell you something, Dee, let me break down a scenario for you. I could cut the song, okay, because I wrote it. I could have Artemis do the song, okay, because you did not write it. Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself. So you tell me, Little Miss All That, what do you want to do? Song or no song?

Dee Reynolds: Real quickly, okay, just a couple of things. I can't really move my arms in this thing so I think I need to rip the pit.
Charlie Kelly: It is a rental. Do not rip that costume, okay? It's very expensive.
Dee Reynolds: All right, fine, but one other thing. I wrote a song, I'm gonna throw it in.
Charlie Kelly: I swear to God, you cannot add a song.
Dee Reynolds: It's gonna happen.
Charlie Kelly: I will smack your face off of your face!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Underage Drinking: A National Concern (#1.3)" (2005)
Dennis Reynolds: What the hell is going on?
Charlie Kelly: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kanallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timny at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Henebry, but he doesn't like Erin Henebry, it was all a bunch of bull.
Dee Reynolds: [wanders over] What is happening?
Charlie Kelly: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because...
Mac: Okay, you know what, Charlie? You gotta stop, honestly.

Dee Reynolds: Where were you when I was in high school?
Trey: I was eight.
Dee Reynolds: Right... right.

Dee Reynolds: Trey asked me to prom last night. This is getting really weird.
Charlie Kelly: That girl Sarah asked me too.
Dee Reynolds: Are you kidding?
Mac: What? We can't go to the prom, thats pathetic.
Charlie Kelly: What do you mean "we"? Who asked you?

Trey: [Dee is chugging beers] Wow, you can really put 'em back, can't you?
Dee Reynolds: The trick is to just kind of open your throat.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty Magoo (#3.5)" (2007)
Dee Reynolds: What is this thing?
Charlie Kelly: That's Dennis' prototype. Be careful with that.
Dee Reynolds: No, I know it's the prototype but I don't get how it works.
Charlie Kelly: Dee, you're asking a million questions. All right look, I'm just going to walk you through it, so pay attention. Okay, look, the pretty lady gets naked, of course, and I help her into the prototype, yes? My hands sort of guiding along her body making sure that it fits properly. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know? And she feels very excited, she feels very sensual and I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good. And then, you know, we chit-chat a little bit, no big deal but she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from? I accept, you know? And then we chit-chat at her place, it's no big deal, but eventually she says, "Do you want to make love, Charlie?"
Dee Reynolds: Oh, God.
Charlie Kelly: And I say, "Are you serious? Because yes, I do." And then just boom, we're in to it and it's hot and it's passionate.
Dee Reynolds: Charlie...
Charlie Kelly: And then it's just you and me babe...
Dee Reynolds: Oh, my God.
Charlie Kelly: ...Like all night long...
Dee Reynolds: Charlie...
Charlie Kelly: ...And I satisfy her so many times. She starts screaming my name...
Dee Reynolds: Charlie!
Charlie Kelly: "Charlie!" she says...
Dee Reynolds: Charlie!
Charlie Kelly: ..."Charlie!" she says, "Charlie!" she says...
Dee Reynolds: CHARLIE, Jesus!
Charlie Kelly: Dee! What are you... I thought you had walked back over...
Dee Reynolds: No, I've been standing here the whole time!
Charlie Kelly: Look, I was in the middle of a...
Dee Reynolds: Are you going to help me with this or not?
Charlie Kelly: I'm trying to... What are you doing, because you're looking pretty...
Dee Reynolds: Oh Jesus, I'm just going to do this myself.

Dee Reynolds: You're not a winner, Dennis. You're not a winner because you used to be popular in high school but I think you peaked.
Dennis Reynolds: [stops in his tracks, then walks back towards Dee] Peaked? Peaked, Dee?
[chuckles]
Dennis Reynolds: Let me tell you something, I haven't even begun to peak. And when I do peak, you'll know. Because I'm gonna peak so hard that everybody in Philadelphia's gonna feel it.

Dennis Reynolds: Everyone gather 'round. I have an announcement to make.
Frank Reynolds: Dennis has an announcement?
[to Mac]
Frank Reynolds: Go, now's your chance. Rant and rave.
Mac: [shouting] Gather 'round, everybody! Gather 'round, please!
Dee Reynolds: We're all standing here.
Frank Reynolds: Is this everybody?
Mac: Is this everybody?
Dee Reynolds: You know it's everybody. What are you doing?
Mac: Dennis has an announcement.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, I-I-I heard that. I'm wondering what it is.
Mac: It's an announcement!
Charlie Kelly: What's up, Dennis?
Dennis Reynolds: I have an announcement.
Dee Reynolds: OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS IT?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac & Charlie Die: Part 1 (#4.5)" (2008)
[after discovering a glory hole in their toilets]
Dee Reynolds: Why would you want to have sex with someone you can't see?
Dennis Reynolds: Well Dee, I think the real question is, why wouldn't you want to have sex with someone you can't see?

Dee Reynolds: [knocks on door] Charlie, open up. We got a dick hole in the bar and I need you to come fill it in.
Charlie Kelly: [sighs] Okay, I gotta go fill her dick hole, bro.

Dee Reynolds: Are you buying this? That is ridiculous. Dennis, they left us a list of demands!
Frank Reynolds: What're you talking about? That's their last will and testament. That is not demands!
Dee Reynolds: It says at the top "List of Demands"!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac and Dennis: Manhunters (#4.1)" (2008)
Charlie Kelly: [Charlie and Dee examine bodies in a morgue] These are two dead bodies.
Dee Reynolds: They're dead. Two dead guys.
Charlie Kelly: This is the real deal here.
Dee Reynolds: [Examining African American specimen] I don't think I can eat this guy.
Charlie Kelly: I don't think I can, right? Why is that?
Dee Reynolds: I don't know.
Charlie Kelly: It's not because he's black, though, right?
Dee Reynolds: Of course not... I don't think so... No.
Charlie Kelly: It's because he's dead, right?
Dee Reynolds: It's because he's dead, that's why not.
Charlie Kelly: Good, good, good.
[pause]
Charlie Kelly: I've got a question for you: is it racist if we don't eat this guy?
Dee Reynolds: Well, shit, Charlie. Now it is.
Charlie Kelly: I'm sorry, Dee.
[walking over to white specimen]
Charlie Kelly: The white guy over here looks better to me for some reason.
Dee Reynolds: So much better, doesn't he? What is that?
Charlie Kelly: You know what it is? Generally, I don't eat dark meat.
Dee Reynolds: I prefer the white meat. I always have.
Charlie Kelly: It's not that guy. It's this guy.
Dee Reynolds: The problem is: I'm gonna have a really hard time if we're both cannibals *and* we're racists.
Dee Reynolds: We're not, Dee. Cannibalism? Racism? Dee, that's not for us. You know? Those are the decisions that are best left to the suits in Washington. Okay? We're just here to eat some dude.
Dee Reynolds: You lost me with Washington, but the rest I agree with. So let's eat a peace of this guy.
Charlie Kelly: [long, apprehensive pause] I can't do it.
Dee Reynolds: No. Me neither.
Charlie Kelly: The goods news is, I guess this means we're not racist.

Frank Reynolds: [Charlie and Dee are discussing where to get some human meat from Frank] That wasn't human meat! It was raccoon meat. You probably got a tapeworm, that stuff is loaded with parasites!
Charlie Kelly: [Charlie starts laughing hysterically] Raccoon meat! BULLSHIT!
Dee Reynolds: Oh yes Frank, we're gonna go get some of that human meat of yours!
Charlie Kelly: [brandishing a butcher knife] I'M GONNA CHOP A PIECE OF THAT FAT LITTLE CALF MUSCLE OF YOURS AND I'M GONNA EAT IT! GET HIM!
[Charlie and Dee chase after Frank]
Mac: And the hunt is on once again.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh those two are gonna have so much fun.
[Dennis goes and locks the door]
Mac: Yes indeed. But the question still remains with what to do with Mr. Cricket.
Dennis Reynolds: Yup Mac, it's just us now. Just you and me, and a couple of pairs of sour, sweaty balls.

Frank Reynolds: Ah I see you two are enjoying my meat. I was just buying some wine. A nice port to compliment what you two have just eaten. By the way, you know what you've just eaten right?
Dee Reynolds: Was it venison?
Frank Reynolds: You WISH it was venison!
Charlie Kelly: What is it then?
Frank Reynolds: THAT which you have just eaten, which your taste buds have savored, which your teeth have just torn apart, THAT is human meat.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award (#9.3)" (2013)
Mac: Hi, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub. I like to recommend to our first timers our signature cocktail, Caribbean Paradise. Some people say it's better than busting a nut.
Customer: Excuse me?
Mac: Busting a nut. It's like, uh, you know, blowing your load.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh...
Mac: He said it was a funny joke.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, no... hold on.
Mac: Yeah, it's like coming all over you. It's light, it's playful.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, well, no, I think what my friend is trying to refer to is an orgasm, which is light and playful, but he overstepped himself and got a little bit too specific.
Mac: Sorry, we jizz in the drink and that's what makes it light.
Dennis Reynolds: No, no, nobody's jizzing on anything.
Mac: Well, where do I jizz?
Dennis Reynolds: You don't jizz.
Mac: How can, how can I orgasm if I don't jizz?
Dennis Reynolds: No, ma'am, I think what...
Mac: Just tell me where I jizz so I can give this lady her drink.
Dennis Reynolds: Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.
Dee Reynolds: Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm.
Dennis Reynolds: Holy shit, you're late.

Mac: This office sucks.
Dee Reynolds: It smells bad and it's stuffy in here.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, it's the Restaurant and Bar Association; it's a stuffy organization. They're not in touch with the young people like us.
Dee Reynolds: Some old boner gives me attitude, I'm gonna spit in his face.
Dennis Reynolds: If he starts giving me shit, I'll spit at him.
Mac: We should all spit.
Frank Reynolds: Look, we're not spitting, all right?

Dennis Reynolds: The customers have to think that you think that you don't want to be together, but you do, deep down, want to be together. The problem is, right now, I'm getting that you guys don't want to be together. I need you to want to be together.
Dee Reynolds: Ugh.
Mac: [raises hand] Question.
Dennis Reynolds: Yes, you're wondering how we're gonna make Dee attractive enough to where you'll want to be with her.
Mac: Yes.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis (#5.1)" (2009)
Dee Reynolds: Hey, you guys. Watch me bust out this sweet jackknife.
[body slams into pool with a loud smack]
Sean: Oh! Whoa! Are you okay!
Dee Reynolds: [spitting out water and gasping for breath] Oh, I biffed that one, huh?
Sean: You "biffed" it?
Dee Reynolds: Whoo! Thank God there wasn't a baby in there, huh?

Kate: Do you have any history with drugs or alcohol?
Dee Reynolds: Never. Neither.
Sean: Um, any family history of mental illness?
Dee Reynolds: Uh, well my brother's a dick if that counts.

Dee Reynolds: So let's talk turkey and by that I mean money.
Sean: Oh, we just thought we'd pay the standard rate of $20,000.
Dee Reynolds: 20,000. Okay, I like the sound of that. I'm gonna throw something at you guys so brace yourselves. What are your thoughts on doubling down so to speak and going for twins?
Sean: Aha...
Kate: No.
Sean: No...
Dee Reynolds: Well, if it's a matter of price, I'm willing to cut you a deal on the second one. And we don't have to stop at two. I've typed up a price sheet I'd like the two of you to peruse. If you look down around number four or five, that's when you really start to see some savings. You guys wanna go for an octomom thing? Huh? I'm game. You wanna have ten? You wanna outdo that bitch? Ha, I'll have that conversation! I'm kidding, I don't want ten people inside of me.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Dances Their Asses Off (#3.15)" (2007)
[about the dance 'contest']
Dee Reynolds: Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie Kelly: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee Reynolds: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank Reynolds: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie Kelly: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Dee Reynolds: [about the dance 'contest'] Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie Kelly: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee Reynolds: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank Reynolds: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie Kelly: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Dee Reynolds: Good luck with those kegs, boners.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The World Series Defense (#5.6)" (2009)
Dee Reynolds: [reading Mac's letter to Chase Utley] Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so alike. I'd like to meet you one day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can't throw as fast as you but I think you'd be impressed with my speed. I love your hair, you run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more. I know you have no been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did. I hope you write back this time, and we can become good friends. I am sure our relationship would be a real home run!

Dennis Reynolds: [walks in on his friends preparing for the Phillies playing in the World Series] Hey guys what's up?
Dee Reynolds: How come you aren't wearing your colors?
Dennis Reynolds: Colors? What are you...? Oh, my God, is today the World Series? I totally forgot... Oh, wait a minute!
[takes off shirt to reveal "Go Phillies" written on his chest]
Dennis Reynolds: Sporting events are the one time it's socially acceptable to go shirtless in public and I plan to be blasting bare chest the whole time.
Frank Reynolds: You're gonna feel cold as shit up in those stands!
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not going to be feeling anything because I plan to be blasted on grain alcohol!

Dee Reynolds: Did you write a love letter to Chase Utley?
Mac: In a lot of ways, yes, I do love him, but that is not a love letter in the way that you're thinking of! Okay? There's nothing sexual or...
Dee Reynolds: Okay, sounds good. I'm going to read it.
Mac: Yeah! Read it!
Dee Reynolds: "Dear Chase..." Oh, shit! There's stickers! My God...
Mac: Yeah, you gotta jazz it up.
Dee Reynolds: You sure do.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Held Hostage (#3.4)" (2007)
Dennis Reynolds: She's got Stockholm syndrome!
Dee Reynolds: No, I don't! No, I just think it's a good way to decide who to kill first. I'm trying to put myself in their position, you know? It's called compassion dickheads. Maybe if you guys had a little bit of it, you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place and then we wouldn't be standing here trying to figure out which one of you we have to kill. But that's where we are so hand me that shotgun 'cause I'd like to do this mess myself. GET ON YOUR KNEES, BITCHES!

Charlie Kelly: [at gunpoint] Okay, don't shoot, okay? Just take whatever you want.
Mac: Yeah, take the cash register!
Dennis Reynolds: Take the girl!
Dee Reynolds: What do you mean take the girl?
Dennis Reynolds: Don't argue with him, just go!
Charlie Kelly: He's right. You better just go with them!
Dee Reynolds: But they're not trying to take me anywhere!
Mac: Don't try to be a hero, Dee, just do what they say!
Dee Reynolds: They're not saying anything!
Charlie Kelly: Well, what's the sense? If you keep arguing with them then we're all gonna die!

Dee Reynolds: Dennis is gonna try and have you killed.
Charlie Kelly: I can't say that surprises me.
Dee Reynolds: He's gonna sell us all down the river.
Charlie Kelly: Okay, should we kill him first?
Dee Reynolds: Well, look, I don't want anybody to have to die, but if somebody does, there's no reason it shouldn't be Dennis.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Who Pooped the Bed? (#4.7)" (2008)
Dee Reynolds: If we're going to be meeting sophisticated men, we need to start acting with class. We cannot be telling people that we have bleached assholes.
Artemis: He was gonna find out anyway.

Dee Reynolds: You should know how to hold your booze a little better.
Waitress: [wasted] I'll hold your boobs a little better...

Dee Reynolds: You're not going to go out with me tonight because these idiots found two poopies in a bed?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Finds a Dead Guy (#1.6)" (2005)
Dee Reynolds: [upon finding someone slumped over in a booth] Who's this?
Mac: I don't know. I've never seen him before.
Dee Reynolds: Well, can you get him out of here? He stinks.
Mac: [walking over to the man] Hey, let's go. Oh, my Je... oh, my God! He shit his pants, Dee. Dee, he shit his pants.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, I don't want to know that.
Mac: [groans and grabs a pool stick] I'm gonna poke him with this. Get up, old man. This isn't the American Legion. Wake up! Yo!
Dee Reynolds: What's the matter?
Mac: He won't wake up.
Dee Reynolds: Well, poke him harder in his ribs.
Mac: [continuing to poke the man] Wake up, old man. Wake up!
[the man falls over to his side]
Mac: Holy shit. That bitch is dead.

Charlie Kelly: I'll tell you what. I'll go with you, but you have to let me borrow your car any time I want.
Dee Reynolds: No.
Charlie Kelly: Every now and then.
Dee Reynolds: No.
Charlie Kelly: One time.
Dee Reynolds: All right.
Charlie Kelly: And, you have to take me to lunch twice a week for a year.
Dee Reynolds: No, I don't.
Charlie Kelly: Once a week.
Dee Reynolds: Nuh-uh.
Charlie Kelly: Today.
Dee Reynolds: Okay.

Dee Reynolds: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.
Mac: No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm.
Dee Reynolds: You can't break Tom Brady's arm.
Mac: Oh, yes I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dee Reynolds: Shaping America's Youth (#6.9)" (2010)
Dee Reynolds: Don't eat trash, Charlie.
Charlie Kelly: I'll eat what I wanna eat, okay?

Dee Reynolds: [on the phone] Goddammit you guys, I am a teacher now, okay? Don't ever call me here again! I don't have time for your shit, you dumbass dickbags!
[the other teachers stare]
Dee Reynolds: Wrong number, sorry.

Dee Reynolds: Okay, I know you all are super stoked to be watching a movie in a bar. But we're just gonna keep it on the down low, you know what I mean? We don't need your parents and the principal finding out. It's just our little secret.
Lisa: I've been in a bar before.
Dee Reynolds: No, you haven't.
Craig: I've been in *this* bar before.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Goes on Family Fight (#10.8)" (2015)
Dennis Reynolds: Dee, you and I are gonna play.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah? Can I do my fart keychain?
Dennis Reynolds: Absolutely goddamn not.

Grant Anderson: Deandra, help me out - name an animal that we eat but doesn't eat us.
Dee Reynolds: Well, Grant, I'll tell you what. I like to eat cock.

Mac: Okay, I'm afraid of game show rules.
Dee Reynolds: You guys, I know what it is. It's failure.
Dennis Reynolds: That's too pathetic.
Frank Reynolds: Liberal yahoos taking my guns.
Dennis Reynolds: That-that is a political firestorm, Frank. No!
Charlie Kelly: Oh, oh! The Nightman.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Great Recession (#5.3)" (2009)
Dennis Reynolds: [Frank is hanging by a noose] Whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dee Reynolds: Oh, Frank's trying to kill himself.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, my God. Is he all right? Frank, are you all right?
Frank Reynolds: Don't try to stop me.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, my God.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, so he's alive.
Frank Reynolds: I lost all my money in a Ponzi scheme, Charlie. I'm broke!
Dee Reynolds: His neck is so thick, I feel like he's just gonna swing and dangle around for a really long time.

Frank Reynolds: All right, now pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken and you're gonna cook it tonight and make a tasty dinner that's gonna smell all through the house like cooked chicken.
Beth: Actually, I'm vegan.
Frank Reynolds: Okay, then pretend this shoe is whatever you people eat. Maybe it *is* a shoe.
Dee Reynolds: Nice one.

Frank Reynolds: You're very lucky that you're with somebody as resilient as Frank Reynolds.
Dee Reynolds: You've tried to off yourself two times in the last 24 hours, Frank!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Has Cancer (#1.4)" (2005)
Mac: Are you sure?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, look at his jeans, dude. That's a- that's an unmistakable bulge of a large penis in those jeans.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, that's a dick in those pants.
Mac: There's a dick in those pants!
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah.
Mac: I'll be right back.
[confronts Carmen]
Mac: Excuse me, bro, can you give me a second?
[club goer exits]
Mac: Thanks. Is that a penis in your pants?
Carmen: Yeah.
Mac: You lied to me!
Carmen: No, I didn't. You lied to me! You don't work out? Please, I see you at the gym. You're ripped.
Mac: Wait, don't turn this around... Wait, really? You think so?
Carmen: Yeah.
Mac: I was afraid I was getting a little too ripped, you know?
Carmen: No, I like it.
Mac: Wow. Hmm. Well, I gotta get back to work, um, but I don't know, maybe I'll give you a call sometime.
Carmen: Okay.
Mac: Yeah, yeah, I'll give you a call.

Dee Reynolds: Dennis, maybe you need to rethink this whole plan of yours. I don't think getting Charlie laid is going to help his cancer problem.
Dennis Reynolds: Whatever.
Mac: Dennis, I think I found the perfect girl for Charlie! Smart, beautiful, the whole thing.
Dennis Reynolds: Where?
Mac: Right there.
Dennis Reynolds: Over there by the pool table?
Mac: Yeah. Nice.
Dennis Reynolds: That's great, Mac.
Dee Reynolds: Good work, Mac.
Dennis Reynolds: That's a dude.

Dennis Reynolds: I don't get it, Dee, there are tons of women in this city. Where do they go?
Dee Reynolds: They're at velvet rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.
Dennis Reynolds: Why?
Dee Reynolds: Dennis, our bar is south Philly in a scary alley... might as well call it "Rape Bar."


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead (#3.3)" (2007)
Bruce Mathis: We were in Uganda doing a lot of work with the AIDS crisis there and...
Frank Reynolds: AIDS? You touch anybody?
Bruce Mathis: Well, sure.
Frank Reynolds: Hey, man! What kind of shit is that? You just hugged me! Why would you do that?
Dee Reynolds: Seamus is joking. He's got a - He's got a very dry sense of humor.
Frank Reynolds: I'm not joking! That shit is serious! I gotta take a shower now!

Frank Reynolds: I got a plan to get back at your mother!
Dee Reynolds: Too late, I'm already full throttle over here. I'm going to dig up her body in the middle of the night and snatch back that jewelry.
Frank Reynolds: That's insane!
Dee Reynolds: Frank, that woman is buried down there like Mr. T! I got to get to that body while the earth is still loose.

Dee Reynolds: [about Barbara's will] Does it say anything about jewelry?
The Attorney: It does say something about the jewelry in here in that, um, she wants to be buried in it.
Dee Reynolds: Goddammit! Oh, goddammit!
Frank Reynolds: Ohhh! She's taking it into the grave!
Dee Reynolds: I'll tell you what, you son of a bitch. I am very disappointed in you today, *very* upset with you! You tell her from me that I will be in touch with her somehow!
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Misses the Boat (#10.6)" (2015)
Mac: I'm wearing a mesh shirt, and it's totally sweet. You guys probably want me to burn it, but I won't, all right? Now, I like this choice. I like the choices I've made. I like who I am, all right? But I realize I've been lying to myself over the past few years, and I'm done lying, okay? And I've found someone who's gonna allow me to be me.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, good.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, good, all right, yeah.
Dee Reynolds: Great. Finally. Yes.
Dennis Reynolds: Let's do this.
Charlie Kelly: That all makes sense. Let's get this over with.

Dee Reynolds: Arrogance, vanity, all over. He's underwater, like a Range Rover.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm sorry, what is this? What are you doing?
Dee Reynolds: Def Poetry.
Dennis Reynolds: Don't do that.
Charlie Kelly: Makeup... smearin'. No power steerin'. He be talkin', but we don't be hearin'.
Dennis Reynolds: I command you to stop.
Dee Reynolds: Speaks like Zeus.
Charlie Kelly: Smells like poops.
Dee Reynolds: Rage all over from his head down to his shoes.
Dennis Reynolds: Zeus, poops and shoes? Guys, you suck at Def Poetry.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation (#3.6)" (2007)
Dee Reynolds: Those goddamn North Koreans.
Dennis Reynolds: They are some sneaky bastards.

Dee Reynolds: [very drunk] Good evening, I need to speak to Mr. Kim please.
Mr. Kim: I'm Mr. Kim.
Dee Reynolds: Huh. Alright, Mr. Kim, my name is Rita Fire... s. Hmm, Fires. And I am from the National Health Inspectors, uh, Store and I need to, I need to make sure your secret microbrew is up to code.
Mr. Kim: Health inspector?
Dee Reynolds: Oh you bet your ass, Kim.
Dee Reynolds: [Mr. Kim throws her out the back door] Wait, I just wanted your stupid recipe!
Mr. Kim: You, terrible actress!
Dee Reynolds: Wait, wait, wait! Okay, I'll sleep with you.
Mr. Kim: Your breath smell like vomit.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Gun Fever (#1.5)" (2005)
[someone is robbing the bar and Dennis is about to shoot him]
Dee Reynolds: [shouts] Shoot him in the face!

Mac: [in the hospital] We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, oh, the gun... yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you
Charlie Kelly: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah... mm... Dee, could you get me a nurse?
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, sure.
[exits]
Charlie Kelly: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
Mac: No way!
Dennis Reynolds: [pulls gun out of his pants] Never.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Broke Dee (#9.1)" (2013)
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, Dee... Oh! Snyder?
Dee Reynolds: Mm-hmm.
Dennis Reynolds: He's clearly using you. Or you're using him to further your nonexistent career.
Dee Reynolds: I am not using him.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, you're not using him?
Dee Reynolds: Nope.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, good, good, good, good. So, you like him?
Dee Reynolds: Mm-hmm.
Dennis Reynolds: Find him attractive?
Dee Reynolds: Absolutely.
Dennis Reynolds: Describe the ways in which you find him attractive.
Dee Reynolds: [scoffs] He's got... he's got all of his skin still.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, I would hope so.
Dee Reynolds: And that he has plenty of... teeth... to get...
Dennis Reynolds: But not all of them?
Dee Reynolds: No, not all of them.

Dee Reynolds: [performing on stage] So I finally broke down and I took a shower the other day. The stink flipped around and now my soap smells like dirty vag.
[audience laughter]
Mac: She said "vagina." A woman said "vagina."
Frank Reynolds: That's what makes it funny!
Dennis Reynolds: Tasteless.
Dee Reynolds: [robot voice] Vagina, vagina. Vagina, vagina.
[makes fart noises]
Dennis Reynolds: And the sound effects out of absolutely nowhere, no setup.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac & Charlie Die: Part 2 (#4.6)" (2008)
Dee Reynolds: [on the bus next to a large man] Would you mind not breathing directly into my mouth?

Dee Reynolds: [hysterically] Oh God, I had the weirdest night. It was crazy. As soon as I left Dennis' place I realize I don't have a car, right, so I actually do have to run home by myself through the park in the middle of the night! So I'm on Spring Garden street and this big car full of gangbangers...
Mac: Okay, gangbangers! That is an awesome story, Dee! That's the end of it, right? That can be the end of the story?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The D.E.N.N.I.S. System (#5.10)" (2009)
Dennis Reynolds: You're gonna wanna nurture that dependence that she's feeling on you now, guys. Have her car towed, or you could slash her tires. Either way, make her depend on you for rides. Or you can use my personal go-to, which is to create a fictional angry neighbor who's threatening her and tell her you'll take care of 'em. Hit up a payphone so that she can't trace the calls back to you, give her a call and say something along the lines of, "I'm watching you, you bitch. You're gonna die tonight!"
Dee Reynolds: Oh for Christ's sake, you're a complete sociopath!
Dennis Reynolds: Don't interrupt.

Dee Reynolds: Oh shit, Ben, look - a carnie.
[puts arms around carnie]
Dee Reynolds: So I wonder if there's a kissing booth anywhere close.
[the carnie stabs her]
Dee Reynolds: Oww! Ohh you stabbed me! He stabbed me with a key!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Paddy's Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia (#4.8)" (2008)
Dee Reynolds: If I had to write an article about you, it would say that you're very negative. The headline might be "Most negative man in the world calls other people white trash to make himself not feel so faggy."

Dennis Reynolds: Oh, it's a new review by Korman!
Dee Reynolds: [clears throat] "I woke up in my neighbor's bed with a head wound, yesterday's paper, and an empty bottle of sleeping pills and my nightmare in that putrid shithole of a bar Paddy's Pub finally, mercifully came to an end. The owners all deserve to rot in jail, though having to spend every day with each other in that vile establishment is a decidedly greater punishment. That is why I decided not to press charges, leaving them to live in the hell on earth they've created for themselves for the rest of their pathetic and miserable lives."
Mac: Ouch.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, really raked us over the coals there, didn't he?
Mac: Not a good review.
Dennis Reynolds: It's not a good review.
Charlie Kelly: He went right for the throat.
Dennis Reynolds: He sure did. Hey listen, at least he didn't mention our names.
Mac: Yeah, and no pressing charges which is great.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, right, no charges, no names.
Dennis Reynolds: No charges, no names, that's good.
Dee Reynolds: ...I don't know why but I'm a little irritated that he didn't mention my name. I work here!
Charlie Kelly: You feel like he would mention our name, right?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm incredibly annoyed that he didn't mention my name.
Mac: I wish I could live with this but I can't...
Charlie Kelly: It's a story about us!
Mac: I feel like we gotta go talk to him again.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties (#7.3)" (2011)
Dee Reynolds: I bet you wish you could win this pageant, don't you?
Justine: My mom says I'm not pretty enough.
Dee Reynolds: Your mom doesn't know dick! She's a dumb fat cow. And your sister, she is a stupid little shit-mouth bitch, isn't she?
Justine: You just said a lot of bad words.

Mort: Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry.
Frank Reynolds: Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.
[Mac and Charlie raise their hands]
Dennis Reynolds: Okay...
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?
Dee Reynolds: [raises hand] I have a...
Charlie Kelly: Who's that?
Frank Reynolds: He's the mortician. I invited him.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gives Back (#2.6)" (2006)
Charlie Kelly: I have 248 hours of, uh...
Mac: [helping Charlie read] Interstate.
Charlie Kelly: Inter... Interstate...
Mac: Sanitation. Jesus Christ.
Charlie Kelly: Interstate sanitation. What is that?
Dennis Reynolds: The guys in the orange vests who pick up trash.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, my God. And what is this about the AA?
Mac: Alcoholics Anonymous.
Charlie Kelly: For...
Mac: Six!
Dee Reynolds: Oh, my God.
Mac: Months!

Dennis Reynolds: [picking basketball teams] All righty. Uh... You, you, you, you, and you. Come over here.
[all the black kids go to Dennis]
Dennis Reynolds: All right. Now, the rest of you kids can go with those two losers right there.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm picking my team.
Dee Reynolds: No. No, you-you can't- you can't take all...
Dennis Reynolds: I can't pick the...?
Dee Reynolds: You can't pick all...
Dennis Reynolds: What should I not pick?
Mac: You know exactly what you've done, sir.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Goes Jihad (#2.2)" (2006)
Dee Reynolds: I haven't seen you for a month, and I'm standing here in a neck brace. Are you gonna ask me how I'm doing... or what happened... or...
Mrs. Reynolds: I assume you did something stupid.
Dee Reynolds: Dennis ran me over with his car!
Mrs. Reynolds: There you go again! Don't you think it's about time you start taking responsibility for your actions?
Dee Reynolds: I...
Mrs. Reynolds: [interrupting her] I want my possessions returned.
[Barbara feeds her dog some food from a plate]
Dee Reynolds: I was eating that, mother!
Mrs. Reynolds: I've been running around. I haven't had time to feed the dog. Could you stop thinking about yourself for once? And besides, you don't need it, sweetie.
[Dee gasps, squeals, and storms off]
Mrs. Reynolds: Well that's attractive. Maybe if you took a bit more pride in your appearance you could find a man, and then you wouldn've have to steal from your mother. I mean, look at your skin, Deandra. Christ, there is a sun in Philadelphia.

Dee Reynolds: [to Frank] Why can't you die and leave us your money like normal parents of America?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas (#6.13)" (2009)
Dennis Reynolds: How are we doing over here?
Dee Reynolds: Uh... Not well. This is ridiculous. People are definitely starting to notice.
Dennis Reynolds: Of course they're starting to notice. There's a grown man crammed inside of a couch for Christ's sake. They're going to notice. So let's just talk to somebody. Can you grab that guy?
Dee Reynolds: [to two office workers] Hey you two!
Dennis Reynolds: Heyyyyy! So how we doing at the Christmas party? We having a good time?
Woman Office Worker: Yes, great time.
Dee Reynolds: Great! So, uh... Frank Reynolds?
[makes thumbs down motion]
Dennis Reynolds: Oh yeah, we were just talking about him. He's the worst, huh?
Woman Office Worker: Do... Do you work here?
Dennis Reynolds: ...Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. We hop around. Consultationists. So we consult here... we consult across the street too...
Man Office Worker: Is there a man in that couch?
Dennis Reynolds: Ha ha! What are you saying? A man in a couch? That's absurd!
Man Office Worker: No, I believe there's a man in that couch right there!
Dennis Reynolds: There is no man! There's no man! Say something things about Frank Reynolds, say them loud, and make sure they're horrible horrible things, then we'll deal with the man in the couch!
Man Office Worker: Okay, so there is a man in the couch!
Dee Reynolds: All right, just call Frank Reynolds an asshole!
Man Office Worker: Who is Frank Reynolds?
Dennis Reynolds: He's the man in the couch!
Woman Office Worker: Oh, my God! What are you people doing?
Dennis Reynolds: Would you just say something about Frank that's horrible? Call him an asshole!
Woman Office Worker: Frank Reynolds is an asshole!
[Frank tears a hole in the couch and climbs out naked and sweaty]

Dennis Reynolds: If you guys love Christmas so much, why do you always wait until the last possible minute to put up the Christmas decorations? It is the day before Christmas.
Mac: That's our tradition.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, that's what we do. We drink a lot of eggnog. We pass out. And then we don't put anything up, so we do it at the last minute.
Mac: Yeah, then we wake up at Christmas and celebrate by throwing rocks at moving freight trains.
Dee Reynolds: Why would grown men throw rocks at trains?
Mac: Why wouldn't we throw rocks at trains? It's beats throwing rocks at passing cars, or at people.
Charlie Kelly: It's awesome. That's what you do on Christmas morning. We've been doing it since we were kids. Look, whatever. I'm sorry that we love Christmas and we have awesome Christmas traditions and you guys hate Christmas.
Mac: They hate Christmas because I always got the best gifts, and Frank always gave them shitty presents.
Dee Reynolds: You think we don't like Christmas because Frank gave us shitty presents?
Dennis Reynolds: Is that really what you think? No, Frank didn't buy shitty presents. Frank bought the most awesome presents in the world. As a matter of fact, he would find out whatever Christmas presents we wanted that year... and he would buy them for himself instead of buying them for us.
Charlie Kelly: Really? That must have been why he wanted me to walkie you guys when you got to the bar. 'Cause he was trying to do something about making your Christmas better. Or worse.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person (#3.9)" (2007)
Dennis Reynolds: Holy shit. No, that guy's retarded.
Dee Reynolds: Well, you're retarded.
Dennis Reynolds: No, Dee, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying he is an actual retarded person. Yeah, we went to elementary school together. He used to take classes in a trailer outside school. He rode the short bus.
Dee Reynolds: Whatever. You think I wouldn't know if the guy I'm dating is retarded?
[the gang gives her a look]
Dee Reynolds: There is no way I am dating a retarded person.

[repeated line]
Dee Reynolds: Boom.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest (#4.3)" (2008)
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, you better have a good reason for getting us outta bed this early, jerk.
Frank Reynolds: I got a goddamn great reason for gettin' you out of bed. This bar is hemorrhaging money!
Charlie Kelly: You gotta spend money to make money. Economics 101, dude.
Frank Reynolds: You're bleeding us to death! Especially with that company credit card you got.
Mac: Uh, that is for business expenses, Frank. Everything on there is a business expense.
Frank Reynolds: Who spent $500 for laser hair removal?
Dennis Reynolds: Right over here, Slick. Don't wanna have hair down there, know what I'm sayin'?
Frank Reynolds: Who spent $5,000 for a samurai sword?
Mac: [raises hand] Your head of security.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, just wait till he saves your life one day with it.
Frank Reynolds: $6,000 on a camcorder!
Dee Reynolds: Well, I've decided what I'm gonna do is I'm going to take all those hilarious characters that I've been creating over the past several years. I'm gonna put 'em on tape, I'm gonna put 'em on YouTube. That way I can get discovered by like a casting director or a producer. I get some kind of a TV development deal.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, right, so the point is, Frank, is that these are all business expenses. I mean, some are definitely more realistic than others...
Charlie Kelly: [points to Dee] Yeah, not that one.
Dennis Reynolds: No, not at all, but nonetheless I believe bought as a business expense.
Frank Reynolds: They're not business expenses! What *I* bought is a business expense. What I bought is somethin' that's gonna save our asses!
Dennis Reynolds: [mockingly] Okay. Yeah, all right.
Charlie Kelly: All right, what d'ya get?
Frank Reynolds: I bought a billboard!
[cue title: "America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest"]

Dee Reynolds: See this is the part where I would volunteer to be the girl on the billboard and you guys would find some reason not to and compare me to some sort of animal like a giant bird.
Dennis Reynolds: [agreeing] Oh she looks so much like a bird doesn't she?
Charlie Kelly: See I was thinking fish because of how far apart her eyes are.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Got Molested (#1.7)" (2005)
Mac: If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?
Dennis Reynolds: You're going to hell, dude.
Dee Reynolds: Seriously.

Dee Reynolds: Whoa, that was really weird.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah. Well this confirms it. He definitely got molested.
Dee Reynolds: Ugh. We gotta get in there.
Dennis Reynolds: Get - we gotta get in there?
Dee Reynolds: Yes!
Dennis Reynolds: You can't just thrust yourself into the position of caregiver like that.
Dee Reynolds: Caregiver? Why are you throwing around big words? You know, I actually majored in psych so...
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, well you failed all your classes.
Dee Reynolds: So?
Dennis Reynolds: And I had a minor and I passed all mine so...
Dee Reynolds: Okay well you know what? 3/4 of a major is a lot bigger than a whole minor.
Dennis Reynolds: I don't even know how to respond to that.
Dee Reynolds: Well, that doesn't surprise me.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, it shouldn't because what you said is really... dumb.
Dee Reynolds: That's a good one.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, it is.
Dee Reynolds: It's good. I liked that one.
Dennis Reynolds: I felt good about it.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City (#3.14)" (2007)
Dee Reynolds: There's a masturbating bum in the alley.

Mac: Will you be providing the weapons?
Neighborhood Leader: No.
Mac: No... Oh, I get it. Okay, we go buy the weapons, we tell you how much we spent, you reimburse us. Great.
Neighborhood Leader: Doesn't work like that.
Dee Reynolds: You gotta give him a receipt.
Mac: Oh, I would make a copy of the receipt.
Dee Reynolds: No, no, no, you give them the original.
Mac: I would give them the original and I would keep the copy? That seems stupid.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, I'm sorry that that's how reimbursement works.
Mac: What if something happens to the weapons, then I'm shit outta luck?
Dee Reynolds: Oh, well then you just ask them for the original back. I'm sure they got a system in place.
Mac: Why would they keep the original, I'm the one that bought the gun!
Dee Reynolds: Oh, it's a gun now!
Mac: It's always been a gun, Dee!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats (#6.10)" (2010)
Dennis Reynolds: For one day, let's make the poor bastard feel special. For one day, let's make this lowly rat killer feel like a king.
Frank Reynolds: Yes.
Dennis Reynolds: In the simplest... easiest...
Dee Reynolds: Easiest way. I'm tired today, you know?

Dee Reynolds: Hey, listen, uh, you've been really stressed, so I thought I would take you for a spa day, just you and me.
Charlie Kelly: A what day?
Dee Reynolds: A spa day.
Charlie Kelly: What is this word "spa"? I feel like you're starting to say a word and you're not finishing it. Are you trying to say "spaghetti"? Are you taking me for a spaghetti day?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac and Dennis Break Up (#5.9)" (2009)
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, do me a favor. Peel this apple for me please.
Dee Reynolds: No! No, I'm not gonna peel an apple for you!
Dennis Reynolds: But Mac always does it for me.
Dee Reynolds: Why does Mac peel your apples for you?
Dennis Reynolds: He doesn't like for me to eat the apples with the skin on it. He says the skin's loaded with toxins.
Dee Reynolds: Well, good news. Mac's not here.
Dennis Reynolds: I know he's not here, and that's why I need you to do it for me. Please, please.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, Jesus. Just eat it with the skin on it.
Dennis Reynolds: I do not like it with the skin, Dee! I am not *allowed* to eat it with the skin! I am not *allowed*!
Dee Reynolds: OH, MY GOD! All right! If you just shut up, I will peel the apple for you the way Mac likes you to eat it. Give it to me. Give it to me! I'll do it the way Mac insists, okay?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah.

Charlie Kelly: You know what happened? I bet it flattened itself out, went right through a seam in your wall.
Dee Reynolds: I don't think there's anything in the laws of nature to support that.
Charlie Kelly: Cats do not abide by the laws of nature.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby (#3.1)" (2007)
Tan Clerk: Let me get this straight. You want to put your baby into a tanning bed?
Mac: That's correct.
Tan Clerk: I'm sorry, that's against the law.
Mac: Look, pal, we are well aware of the law, okay? We don't want to jam you up here. We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes.
Dee Reynolds: Just to get a base...
Mac: Just to get a base.

Dee Reynolds: [reading from note] Taked baby. Meet at later bar, night or day... sometime.
Dee Reynolds, Mac: Charlie!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank's Pretty Woman (#7.1)" (2011)
Dee Reynolds: Your life is way more glamorous than what I was picturing.
Roxy: Yeh, yeh, now help me dig these crack rocks outta my ass.

[after Frank's eulogy]
Dee Reynolds: So should we get the dead whore out of the apartment, or...?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire (#3.8)" (2007)
Dee Reynolds: Oh look, plutonium smuggled into Syria. Yeah, that's gonna change my life drastically.

Frank Reynolds: I'm going with you guys because I am bored as shit.
Dee Reynolds: That's not a good idea because when you get involved people usually get hurt.
Frank Reynolds: I'm just hanging out with the guys. How's anyone gonna get hurt?
[cue title card: "Frank Sets Sweet Dee On Fire"]


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Rules the World (#8.8)" (2012)
Dee Reynolds: I'll make you my king. Just accept my request to consummate.
Charlie Kelly: Consummate, what is that?
Dee Reynolds: Have sex.
Charlie Kelly: Oh. So, um, we should have sex then?
Dee Reynolds: ...In the game.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, in the game. Sure, yeah. Either way. Uh, so push "enter" hard? Or one, like, slow push and you do your thing? Or a little circular action...?
Dee Reynolds: Just push the button, Charlie.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Goes to Hell (#11.9)" (2016)
Dennis Reynolds: How's it going with the wrath thing? You, uh, staying away from that?
Dee Reynolds: Well, yeah, you know, I was trying, but there are certain See You Next Tuesdays on this ship that are making it very difficult.
Dennis Reynolds: Mm, yeah, I feel ya. I'm-I'm already struggling with the lust thing. See this, uh, flaxen-haired seductress across the pool over here?
Dee Reynolds: Dennis, she looks like she's 12 years old.
Dennis Reynolds: No, she's of age. I checked. Well, she's galavanting around, you know, flaunting it for me, and she knows how easy it would be for me to have her, too, because of the implication. Not that you would understand. It's not what you think it is.
Dee Reynolds: No, I think I get it. We're out in the middle of the ocean, she's stuck on a boat. She couldn't possibly say no, 'cause something might go wrong for her if she did.
Dennis Reynolds: That's... that's exactly what it is. How did you get that so fast?
Dee Reynolds: It's like when I'm alone with a guy, and we're messing around, and he gets all skittish about banging. So then I insinuate that it would be a shame if my account of what happened was different from his, and then he ended up getting a call from the sheriff. You know what I mean? And then, boom. We plow.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Sells Out (#3.7)" (2007)
Dee Reynolds: [to Dennis] Well, while you've been picking up bar whores, I've been double-dropping like a bastard out there.
Waitress: Oh my God, you're double-dropping again, Dee?
Dee Reynolds: Oh, I never stopped double-dropping.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis (#4.2)" (2008)
Frank Reynolds: What do you see?
Dee Reynolds: I can't see shit! Why did you tint the inside of the windows?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie and Dee Find Love (#8.4)" (2012)
Trevor Taft: [being danced on by Dee] I love how free and uninhibited you are.
Dee Reynolds: [slurring words] Oh, yeah? How about I free that big fat snake in your pants and uninhibit myself all over it?
[belches]


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: How Mac Got Fat (#7.10)" (2011)
Mac: Well, right now it looks like you're wearing a mask of yourself over your face.
Dennis Reynolds: Not a good one? Not a nice mask of myself?
Mac: Not a good one.
Dennis Reynolds: Do you guys think that a normal mask of me would look good?
Dee Reynolds: Oh, my God.
Dennis Reynolds: And if there was would you guys wear it?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Dines Out (#8.9)" (2012)
Dee Reynolds: Hey. Ooh, hey! You, help. Over here.
Carl: Me?
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you, please. Help. Help me. Sit, sit, please sit. Help.
Carl: Is everything okay?
Dee Reynolds: No, everything's not okay. There are men here, and they're watching me.
Carl: Oh, shit!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Trapped (#7.9)" (2011)
Dee Reynolds: What's going on with Mac and Charlie?
Dennis Reynolds: It's... I can't get them to stay focused. They keep escalating the conversation into evil curses and opening leather shops in Arizona.
Dee Reynolds: A leather shop, in Arizona?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah.
Dee Reynolds: They'd be out of business in a weeks time.
Dennis Reynolds: That's exactly what I said.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Invincible (#3.2)" (2007)
Dee Reynolds: [pretending to be a man] Coach, hi! Hi there. Cole. Cole Armstrong, three-time all-American fastest sprinter in five counties. Coach, would you like us to stand when you address us or do you prefer we take a knee?
Coach: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets a New Member (#6.8)" (2010)
Dr. Larry Meyers: [slips on the stage] Ah! Ah! I am shattered to pieces! Ah! Ooh!
Dee Reynolds: Are- are you acting right now?
Dr. Larry Meyers: No, I'm not acting, you bitch!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Ass Kickers United: Mac and Charlie Join a Cult (#10.10)" (2015)
Jojo: [using the "guilt stresser" machine] Where do my feet go? Dee?
Charlie Kelly: Dee, his feet?
Dee Reynolds: It doesn't make a goddamn difference.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Exploits a Miracle (#2.7)" (2006)
Frank Reynolds: What, you put the moves on him?
Dee Reynolds: First of all, gross, I don't think you're supposed to whore out your kids. Second of all, that guy is a really good person and I've treated him like shit for his whole life. For once I'm going to do the right thing.
Frank Reynolds: He thinks you're too old, huh?
Dee Reynolds: God Damn it. Why do I speak to you? Ever?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dee Gives Birth (#6.12)" (2010)
Dee Reynolds: So what's our plan here? Are we just gonna throw him in the trash or are we gonna find like a laundry chute, fire him down that, or what are we doing?
Dennis Reynolds: What? No, I'm just gonna drop him in one of these rooms if I can find an empty one.
Dee Reynolds: No but that way somebody can find him and put him back in my room.
Dennis Reynolds: Ah, that's a good point. Or maybe we could stuff him in a drawer or like jam him in a closet or something? That'll buy us some time, right?
Dee Reynolds: Hm, makes me feel like I have to touch him. I don't wanna touch him at all, so why don't we just put him in the trash?
Mr. Craig: Please don't put me in the trash!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Group Dates (#10.2)" (2015)
Ryan: What d'ya got here? What's in the box?
Dee Reynolds: No, that's just a... it's a cock ring. It's a cock ring just from all my lovers...
Ryan: Oh. It's kinda small, huh?
Dee Reynolds: Well, it's my dad's.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Buys a Boat (#6.3)" (2010)
Mac: What the hell is that?
Dee Reynolds: [dancing] This? That's my P. Diddy boat dance.
Mac: You look like one of those inflatable dancing things at the used car lot, the ones that flail around in the wind.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens (#5.8)" (2009)
Charlie Kelly: [looking at attorney through binoculars] Oh shit, I see him. He's walking towards the car. He's walking towards the car!
Dee Reynolds: Get down!
Charlie Kelly: Why's he coming towards us?
Dee Reynolds: Get down and hold still!
Attorney: [gets in driver's seat of the car] Alright... So um, what are you people doing in my car now?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie's Mom Has Cancer (#8.6)" (2012)
Dee Reynolds: Tell you what. Property taxes - paying for what you already own? Now THAT'S a scam.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac Day (#9.5)" (2013)
Charlie Kelly: Seven straight hours of lecturing?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, and five hours alone dedicated to the evils of homosexuality, from him?
Dee Reynolds: Did anyone else notice that he had an erection the entire time?
Charlie Kelly: Of course.
Frank Reynolds: How could you miss it?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom (#2.4)" (2006)
Dee Reynolds: I want my job back.
Charlie Kelly: And you shall have it. Oh, Dee. It looks like we both need things from each other.
Dee Reynolds: I am not having sex with you, Charlie.
Charlie Kelly: No. It's not sex I want from you. It's sex I don't want from Dennis.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Whacked: Part 2 (#3.13)" (2007)
Charlie Kelly: I'm asking hypothetical questions here, come on.
Dee Reynolds: I'm sorry! I'm a little bit preoccupied with being worried about being killed by the mob because a homeless priest ran off with all of our drugs!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac's Big Break (#6.4)" (2010)
Preston Elliot: Alright Mac from South Philly, you're on with Preston and Steve!
Dee Reynolds: Holy shit, he got on.
Mac: Holy shit, I got on!
Preston Elliot: Please don't curse.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition (#4.12)" (2008)
Mac: Somos...
Dee Reynolds: Yeah!
Mac, Dee Reynolds: ¡Extremos!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Recycles Their Trash (#8.2)" (2012)
Dee Reynolds: [in a yellow pantsuit] I am presenting myself as a powerful lady.
Frank Reynolds: You're presenting yourself as a banana.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The ANTI-Social Network (#7.8)" (2011)
Dee Reynolds: [on Facebook] Goddammit, why won't this guy be our friend?
Mac: It's like an online shush.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank's Back in Business (#8.7)" (2012)
Andrew Kane: I think closing at 31's a pretty fair deal, don't you?
Dennis Reynolds: 31? Well, you know, guys, these things tend to be a little complicated.
Dee Reynolds: [in a Canadian accent] Oh, I think ya can do better.
Bill Larkin: Oh, you looked over the proposal?
Dennis Reynolds: She glanced at it. We're not... Tell us more about it.
Dee Reynolds: Ya, I sure did, and I tell you what, I seen better-looking moose turds in Rick Moranis' backyard, ya hosers. Mm?
Dennis Reynolds: She's got a sense of humor that would just... You know, it gets frustrating.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Sweet Dee Gets Audited (#7.4)" (2011)
Dee Reynolds: Audited? Why, what are you- what are you talking about? I'm not scamming the government if that's what you're saying.
Susan: Your license plate says "$CAMMIN".


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Wrestles for the Troops (#5.7)" (2009)
Artemis: Hey, did he send you any dick pics? 'Cause it could be a mess down there.
Dee Reynolds: Okay, for the love of God, please don't ask him about his dick.
Artemis: Okay, have it your way. I'll figure it out soon enough.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac and Charlie Write a Movie (#5.11)" (2009)
Dee Reynolds: Where is M. Night? I have questions for him!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Hits the Road (#5.2)" (2009)
Dee Reynolds: [after hearing that a young hitch hiker they've picked up is running away from home to go to Hollywood] Oh no... You're gonna end up doing gay porno with this little body of yours.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore (#7.2)" (2011)
Dennis Reynolds: I mean, look at this girl. What's her story? She's got a decent bone structure. She was probably very pretty when she was young.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah.
Dennis Reynolds: Probably spent her summers here, lounging on the beach and scooping ice cream.
Dee Reynolds: But she didn't want her summers to end, so she got herself a fake ID and a push-up bra and started hanging out at the local bars.
Dennis Reynolds: Right. Developed a nasty coke habit, 'cause she loved the way it made her feel.
Dee Reynolds: Mm-hmm.
Dennis Reynolds: But then extreme highs gave way to extreme lows and she fell into a depression.
Dee Reynolds: Had herself a kid. Thought it would give her a sense of purpose. And it did, for a while, till she started using again.
Dennis Reynolds: Mm-hmm. And then Social Services came knocking at the door, and now the kid loves upstate with his grandparents, 'cause she can't take care of this kid. And here she is festering away in a one-bedroom apartment waiting for the HIV to turn into AIDS...
Dee Reynolds: Ooh!
Dennis Reynolds: And wondering what the hell...
Stephanie: You know I can hear you, right?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Storm of the Century (#7.6)" (2011)
Frank Reynolds: It's the media, see? When it's white people, it's survival. And when it's black people, it's looting.
Dee Reynolds: No, Frank, it's because the white people are stealing bread and the black people are stealing speakers. If the white people were stealing stereo equipment, I would say they were looting too.
Frank Reynolds: How do you know the blacks don't have bread in those speakers?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac and Charlie: White Trash (#6.5)" (2010)
Dee Reynolds: [at the public pool] That girl just jumped in with her sneakers on!
Dennis Reynolds: These people all have sneakers on!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Flowers for Charlie (#9.8)" (2013)
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, listen, when it comes to intelligence, I think you'll find that I am your man.
Dee Reynolds: Or perhaps a man is not what you're looking for at all.
Mac: I'm afraid my friend Dennis confuses book learning with brainpower. But you and me, we know different, huh?
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, "you and I."
Mac: What? No, not you and I. Him and I, idiot.
Dee Reynolds: In case I was being unclear, nerds, I will bang one or both of you.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Gun Fever Too: Still Hot (#9.2)" (2013)
Gunther: You've been institutionalized.
Dee Reynolds: Me? What... I mean, one time, for a short period of time. That-that was against my will. That doesn't even really count.
Dennis Reynolds: That's the only time it counts, Dee.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Cracks the Liberty Bell (#4.11)" (2008)
Charlie Kelly: Why is the witch-slave shooting at you anyways?
Frank Reynolds: Maybe she used her sorcery.
Dee Reynolds: Sorcery? Your dumb-dick partner walked into the bar and said he'd stolen a bunch of guns and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. And of course I did, so here we are.
Frank Reynolds: Damn your necromancy, woman!