Dee Reynolds
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Quotes for
Dee Reynolds (Character)
from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (2005)

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"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Hundred Dollar Baby (#2.5)" (2006)
Dee Reynolds: [punching a hole in the wall due to 'roid rage] Oh good! Are you happy now? I just punched a hole in my wall!

Dee Reynolds: [talking on the phone while on steroids] Yes dad, I know the fight is in a few hours, all right? I'm trying to find my goddamn head-band. Is that okay? Is that okay with you, if I find my head-band before I come down there? Is that all right with you dad? Jesus! Why didn't we get the orange one like I said? This one might as well be goddamn camoflaged!
[Dee punches her wall in rage]
Dee Reynolds: [screaming] Oh, good! Are you happy now? I just punched a hole in my wall!

Dee Reynolds: [seeing Frank load up a lot of weight onto a bar] Uh, that looks really heavy.
Frank Reynolds: Look, this is not gonna be a half-assed workout. We gotta really get into it. It's gonna hurt.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, but I can't lift that.
Frank Reynolds: Just position yourself under the bar and listen to me. Alright, here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna take all the weight on your neck. Then, you're gonna jam your legs down and hyperextend your ankles and then shoot back up and lock your knees in place.
Dee Reynolds: None of of those things sound right to me... at all.
Frank Reynolds: Look. You wanna fight like a man? You gotta train like a man.

Shady Woman: Men are suck pricks.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, tell me about it.
Shady Woman: I bet you're real tired of them pushing you around.
Dee Reynolds: Oh god, you have no idea.
Shady Woman: If only there was a way that you could be physically tough enough to intimidate men...
Dee Reynolds: I'm sorry. Do I know you?
Shady Woman: Let's just say that I provide a much needed service around this place. Step into the shadows and uh, we'll talk.

Bobby Thunderstorm: Hey, now we're talking. She's a killer.
Dee Reynolds: You're goddamn right I'm a killer.
Brianna: You look like a holocaust victim in pageant make-up.
Dee Reynolds: I will eat your babies bitch!
Brianna: Bring it!
Frank Reynolds: Nobody's eating anyone's babies.
Bobby Thunderstorm: Hey, you looking to spur, little girl?
Frank Reynolds: No, no. No fight. She's not ready.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, I'm ready.
Frank Reynolds: No, you're not ready.
Dee Reynolds: I'm ready! Let me eat her babies!

Frank Reynolds: You're not ready for this fight.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, I have an idea, dad. Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face and hold the bag!

Dee Reynolds: [while hopped up on steroids] I'm gonna paralyze this bitch.

Dee Reynolds: [upon finding her steroids are gone] Who took my shit?
Charlie Kelly: [quietly] I might have had some.
Dee Reynolds: What did you just say, you little bitch?
Charlie Kelly: I might have had some of your pills or whatever.
Dee Reynolds: Oh yeah?
[Dee walks over to Charlie and gets in his face]
Dee Reynolds: [filled with rage] I am gonna punch a hole through your face!

Bobby Thunderstorm: Hey! Now were talking here. She's a killer!
Dee Reynolds: Your god damn right I'm a killer.
Brianna: You look like a holocaust victim in pageant makeup.
Dee Reynolds: I will eat your babies, bitch!
Brianna: Bring it!
Frank Reynolds: Nobody's gonna eat anyone's babies.

Brianna: You look like a Holocaust victim wearing pageant makeup.
Dee Reynolds: [steroid rage] I will eat your babies bitch!

Sweet Dee: I have an idea, Dad. Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face, and hold the bag?

Sweet Dee: [on steroids] Oh good! Are you happy now? I just punched a hole in my wall!

Sweet Dee: I am gonna punch a hole through your face!
Charlie Kelly: I'd like to see you try that.

Sweet Dee: I WILL EAT YOUR BABIES, BITCH!

Dee Reynolds: Oh I have an idea Dad. Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face and hold the bag? I'm going to paralyze this bitch!

Frank Reynolds: Deeandra no no stop.
Dee Reynolds: Ten more minutes.
Frank Reynolds: No, no, that's enough.
Dee Reynolds: I love it, I need more of it, I need more of it.
Frank Reynolds: Deandra that's enough that's enough.
Frank Reynolds: God what the hell has gotten into you the last couple days?
Dee Reynolds: What the hell is that supposed to mean? You think i cant do that by myself? You think I'm on something?
Frank Reynolds: On something, no i never said you were on something. You just acting like you...
Dee Reynolds: Yeah well don't start!
Bobby Thunderstorm: Hey now were talking here shes a killer.
Dee Reynolds: Your goddamn right I'm a killer.
Brianna: You look like a holocaust victim in pageant makeup.
Dee Reynolds: I will eat your babies bitch!
Brianna: Bring it!
Frank Reynolds: Nobody is eating anybody's babies.
Bobby Thunderstorm: Hey hey hey, you looking to spar little girl?
Frank Reynolds: No no no fighting shes not ready.
Dee Reynolds: Oh I'm ready!
Frank Reynolds: No no your not ready.
Dee Reynolds: I'm ready, let me eat her babies!
Bobby Thunderstorm: What about next Friday huh?
Frank Reynolds: Your crazy. Your crazy.
Dee Reynolds: [to Brianna] Hows Friday huh? Hows Friday to you?
Bobby Thunderstorm: Whats the matter Franky fat hands? You afraid she's going to get knocked out just like you did?

Brianna: You look like a Holocaust victim in pageant make up.
Dee Reynolds: I will eat your babies, bitch!

Dee Reynolds: Rocky IV is not the greatest move of all time.
Dennis Reynolds: What do you consider to be a good movie?
Dee Reynolds: I don't know, Million Dollar Baby or something.
Dennis Reynolds: Are you serious? No way!
Dee Reynolds: It won an Oscar!
Charlie Kelly: It has Stallone punching a Russian's face in to all smithereens!
Mac: Lifting anvils and shit, pulling a truck through snow.
Dennis Reynolds: Million Dollar Baby is totally unrealistic. Girls can't fight, they don't have muscles.
Dee Reynolds: That is a horribly sexist thing to say.
Dennis Reynolds: It's not sexist, it's just truthful, you know.
Charlie Kelly: Girls can't pull trucks through snow.
Dee Reynolds: Could you pull a truck through snow?
Charlie Kelly: I absolutely could!
Dee Reynolds: You can barely walk through the snow, Charlie.
Dennis Reynolds: That is true.
Charlie Kelly: Okay, is the truck in Park or Neutral?
Mac: That is a good question.

Dee Reynolds: I will eat your babies, bitch!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Wants an Abortion (#1.2)" (2005)
Sweet Dee: Did you have sex with her?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah.
Sweet Dee: Well did you use birth control?
Dennis: Woah, Dee, we're from a Catholic school.
Sweet Dee: So, premarital sex is alright, but you're not allowed to use birth control?
Charlie Kelly: Ok, now you're just twisting words around and getting cute.

Tommy: You're ugly.
Charlie Kelly: You're ugly.
Tommy: [yelling] You're ugly!
Charlie Kelly: [yelling back] You are the one that's ugly!
Dee Reynolds: Charlie! Jesus Christ! Are you almost 30? Are you almost 30 years old?
Charlie Kelly: Yes.
Tommy: You have to buy me a toy.
Charlie Kelly: I don't have to buy you shit!
Tommy: If you don't buy me anything, I'm gonna telly my mom you took me to a black people's house!

Sweet Dee: [on her pro-choice poster] Viva la Vulva

Dee Reynolds: You're gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?
Dennis Reynolds: I don't really have any convictions.

Dee Reynolds: Well, I'm going to go, at least one pro-choice voice will be heard.
Mac: One? There was, like, tons of those chicks at the last one.
Dennis Reynolds: Which side had more?
Dee Reynolds: Oh, which one do you think? I one that cares about protecting womens bodies or the one thats run by the religious right?
Dennis Reynolds: Probably the side you're going to. I'm going to fight for the right to choose.

Dee Reynolds: So, you're not allowed to use birth control, but abortions are no problem...?

Dennis Reynolds: I think all these chicks are gay.
Dee Reynolds: yea, I don't know that they're gay, I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.

Mac: [on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!
Dee Reynolds: Is he jo...? Is that...? Are you... joking?
Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good.
Dee Reynolds: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
Dennis Reynolds: [to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac Is a Serial Killer (#3.10)" (2007)
Frank Reynolds: I'm going to go oil my chainsaw.
Dee Reynolds: What?
Dennis Reynolds: Frank, we don't need the chainsaw. Is that what's in that bag?
Frank Reynolds: Oh, we do... because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance... a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.
Dennis Reynolds: He makes less and less sense as the days go by.
Dee Reynolds: I don't get it... at all.

Dennis Reynolds: [the gang talks about the city's serial killer as Mac suddenly walks into the bar] This guy got laid last night!
Mac: [nervously] No, I didn't!
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you did. You didn't come last night.
Mac: Yes, I did!
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, those are the same clothes you were wearing yesterday.
Mac: No, they aren't. They're different clothes.
Dennis Reynolds: Hey, what's with those scratches on your neck?
Mac: Scratches? What scratches? I've... I've gotta take a piss. Stop asking me questions.
[runs into the bathroom]
Dee Reynolds: Well, that was weird.
Charlie Kelly: I wonder what got into him.
Frank Reynolds: Serial killin'!

Pimp: [spotting Dee in her skimpy outfit] Damn, girl! Who you wit?
Dee Reynolds: I think you have the wrong idea. I'm not with anybody.
Pimp: Word. Well, lookee here: Maybe if you get up off that crack rock, you can come and be Pepper Jack's best ho.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, I'm not on any crack rock. I mean... Okay, one time I was hooked on the crack rock. That was because I was trying to get on welfare and I failed a drug test. But that stuff, you gotta be careful. It'll mess you... Why are you asking? Do you have some on you?

Dee Reynolds: [to Dennis who is hiding in bushes] Dennis!
Dennis Reynolds: Dee! What the hell are you doing? Get out of here! You're gonna blow my cover.
Dee Reynolds: This seems extraordinarily dangerous.
Dennis Reynolds: Dee, that is the point of being here. This is the area of the highest concentration of murders by the serial killer.
Dee Reynolds: I know, that's why I feel like a sitting duck out there.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, you volunteered for this, sis, okay? As you recall, I didn't want to use you as the bait: You do not fit the profile.
Dee Reynolds: [annoyed] I fit the profile, Dennis!
Dennis Reynolds: That's the right attitude.
[refers to Dee's breasts]
Dennis Reynolds: Now, pull these out or something. You need to look sexy for this guy. Otherwise he's never gonna... come on.
Dee Reynolds: I just feel this is a very inappropriate outfit for how cold it is out here.
Dennis Reynolds: Is it cold out here?
Dee Reynolds: [irritated] It's freezing!
Dennis Reynolds: See, I don't feel that. I have a down jacket, a wool blanket... It's a very toasty situation I got back here. Get back out there, Tiger. You can do it! I believe in you.

[Mac lets Charlie overhear Mac talking on the phone with a woman called Sandy, who unbeknownst to them is actually Dee disguising her voice]
Dee Reynolds: This is Mac, right? Good looking guy, great sense of humor, really bulky.
Mac: Uh, more ripped.
Charlie Kelly: Strike that.
Mac: Jacked.
Charlie Kelly: Irrelevant.
Mac: Toned
Charlie Kelly: Exaggeration
Mac: I work out.
Charlie Kelly: I'll allow it.

Dennis Reynolds: [Dennis walks out with a turtleneck and a clipboard as Mac arrives for a blind date] Who are you here to see?
Mac: My friend Sandy.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, Sandy. Sandy, huh? Is Sandy a young, attractive, blond girl?
Mac: I have no idea.
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, Sandy, why don't you come out here, please?
Dee Reynolds: [walks out] Oh, hello, Mac.
Dennis Reynolds: Not so young and attractive, is she?

Dee Reynolds: Did you bring the condoms?
Mac: Ooooh. Not a fan of the whole condom thing.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass (#2.9)" (2006)
Dee Reynolds: So, Artemis, the last time we talked I know things got a little weird, with you licking my brother's face and all. But I need your help with an acting gig, my friend is really dragging me down.
Artemis: What's the venue?
Dee Reynolds: A sidewalk.
Artemis: I don't do sidewalks.
Dee Reynolds: That's what I thought. But if you think about it, it's the only true form of artistic expression.
Artemis: Is there any nudity involved?
Dee Reynolds: No.
Artemis: Can there be?
Dee Reynolds: No
Artemis: I'll do it anyways.

Mac: Well, then, what would you say?
Dennis Reynolds: She's a quitter.
Dee Reynolds: You know what, I don't even care! I don't care.
Dennis Reynolds: And that proves my point. Because you don't care, you never succeed.
Mac: Right. Failed.
Dennis Reynolds: Failure implies that she actually *tried* to be an actor.
Dee Reynolds: Okay, I did try, it just didn't happen to work out.
Frank Reynolds: It's not your fault, sweetie. You're just not pretty enough.
Dee Reynolds: Wow, thank you! That's my dad, everybody.

Dennis Reynolds: If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.
Charlie Kelly: I *work* in this bar. I work here.
Dennis Reynolds: But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here, okay? Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom, they strip it away from smokers
Frank Reynolds: Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
Dee Reynolds: You went to Vietnam in *1993* to open up a sweatshop!
Frank Reynolds: And a lot of good men died in that sweatshop.

Dennis Reynolds: If Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
Charlie Kelly: You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution, man.
Mac: Uh, he knows more than you two un-American freedom haters.
Dennis Reynolds: Thank you.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Eww, we hate it.
Dennis Reynolds: You hate it.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, *I'm* un-American?
Frank Reynolds: You're practically a Viet Cong.

Charlie Kelly: You wanna talk America? You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let's roll out of here.
Dee Reynolds: Where are we going?
Charlie Kelly: We're gonna go America all over their asses!

Artemis: Is there any nudity?
Dee Reynolds: No.
Artemis: Can there be?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Racist (#1.1)" (2005)
Dee Reynolds: I had the craziest dream last night that I was in Cleveland, Ohio - which is really weird because I've never been to Ohio. And this guy was wearing a bunny suit, and he was coming out of...
Dennis Reynolds: [interrupting her] You know what Dee, I don't want to hear about your dream, okay? I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them, and nobody's having sex, I just... don't care.

Janell: Charlie?
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is going on here? You guys know each other?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, yeah. That's the crazy bitch that punched me in my eye!
Terrell: Charlie! That's my sister.
Mac: Now just to clarify, when you say sister, you mean...
Terrell: I mean my sister.
Mac: Yes! Okay! This is great! Because earlier you were implying that I was racist because you thought that I was implying that all black people are related. And then it turns out that you people actually are!
[everyone grows silent]
Mac: No, that's not what I meant. Hold on a second. I meant that you two actually are.
Dee Reynolds: Mac? Stop talking.

Charlie Kelly: Dude, it's not so much that they don't like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Cause you're an asshole!
Mac: [to Dee] Is that true?
Sweet Dee: ...Yeah, kinda.

[Dee and Dennis are behind the bar]
Handsome Guy: No, we're waiting for the cute one.
Sweet Dee: What cute one?

Mac: Look, everybody! Sweet Dee's here!
Dee Reynolds: Hey everybody!
Charlie Kelly: Woah woah! What are you doing here?
Janell: Charlie?
Dennis Reynolds: Woah woah, what is going on here? You guys know each other?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, that's the crazy bitch that punched me in my eye!
Terrell: Charlie! That's my sister!
Mac: Now just to clarify, when you say sister, you mean...
Terrell: I mean my sister.
Mac: Yeah! Okay! This is great because earlier, you were implying that I was racist because you thought that I was implying that all black people are related, and then it turns out that you people actually are!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Runs for Office (#2.8)" (2006)
Frank Reynolds: There's nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who's smart and attractive; we have to pretend you're both!
Sweet Dee: Wow, you're a horrible father.

Frank Reynolds: A woman in politics is like a donkey doing calculus.
Dee Reynolds: There are plenty of good women politicians.
Frank Reynolds: Name one.
Dee Reynolds: Um, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton
Frank Reynolds: Awful!
Dee Reynolds: How is she awful?
Frank Reynolds: Hates freedom.

Dee Reynolds: [discussing high taxes] Why don't you try voting for once?
Mac: And what? Vote for the democrat who's going to blast me in the ass? Or the republican who's going to blast my ass? Either way, politics is all one big ass blasting.

[Charlie and Frank are looking at Garbage Pail Kids cards]
Sweet Dee: Are those the stupid cards where babies are doing disgusting things?
Charlie Kelly: No, Dee. These are those amazing cards where babies are doing hysterical things.

Frank Reynolds: There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive. We have to pretend you're both!
Dee Reynolds: Wow, you're a horrible father.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention (#5.4)" (2009)
Dennis Reynolds: We're caring people that's out nature
Tabitha: Um what is Frank struggling with the most right now?
Dee Reynolds: Ooh he is trying to bang our aunt
Dennis Reynolds: That's the big one
Tabitha: these things deal more with drugs and alchohol abuse
Dennis Reynolds: Drugs and alcohol are rolled into what we're talking about here
Tabitha: so he does have a drinking problem
Charlie Kelly: Oh Big time!
Dee Reynolds: Oh lady
[sips from her can of wine]

Dee Reynolds: So how do we go about doing this? We ambush him, and just sorta and just barate him into being the guy we wanna be around?
Tabitha: No, you certainly don't barate him. He needs to know your coming from of love and concern.
Dennis Reynolds: [Shakes his head] To soft, we should come out with an iron fist and crush him to submission
Charlie Kelly: And if we're taking that approch you might want to be armed at this intervention.
Tabitha: Why would I need to be armed?
Charlie Kelly: Well Frank is usally carrying around a little gun and he really doesn't hesitate to use it.
Dennis Reynolds: And you know what? Have the gunb out and ready to rock
Dee Reynolds: [Nods] It's just safer.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah,we'll all have guns
Charlie Kelly: You know what if we just kind of ambush Frank with some kind of net or some kind of rope device the gun would maybe drop out of his waist.
Dee Reynolds: You want to bring him in a net.
Dennis Reynolds: That could get awkward. I say bring the gun.
Dee Reynolds: Bring the gun
Charlie Kelly: [Shakes head] I don't want to get shot, so just bring the gun.

Dee Reynolds: I'm assuming you wouldn't lured him down by a fire. Is that - is that what your face is doing?
Tabitha: And I wouldn't have an intervention at a bar.

Dee Reynolds: What is "Night Crawlers?"
Dennis Reynolds: It's a game where they crawl around in the night like worms.
Charlie Kelly: I never said that.
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, well that's what it is.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Whacked: Part 1 (#3.12)" (2007)
Dee Reynolds: I'm sorry, I'm a little bit preoccupied about being killed by the mob because a homeless priest ran off with all of our drugs!

Dee Reynolds: He said he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times!

Charlie Kelly: Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money.
Dee Reynolds: What?
Charlie Kelly: Yes, I did!
Dee Reynolds: No, you didn't!
Charlie Kelly: I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?
Dee Reynolds: He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.

Dee Reynolds: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm a lil preocupied with worrying about being killed by the mob because a homeless priest ran off with all of our drugs!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare (#2.3)" (2006)
Dennis Reynolds: One, please.
Crack Dealer: One what?
Dennis Reynolds: One... rock of crack. Is that going to be enough?
Dee Reynolds: How much would you recommend for a first time user?
Crack Dealer: I'll make you a deal. Two-for-one special.
Dennis Reynolds, Dee Reynolds: Ok, how much?
Crack Dealer: 200 dollars?
Dennis Reynolds: Sounds fair.
[Slides money through window]

[repeated line]
Dee Reynolds: Later, boners.

Sweet Dee: Well, we'll just go back to work for a little while.
Dennis: Just for a little while until we have enough money to buy some more crack.
Sweet Dee: And then we'll go on welfare and I'll go be a star.
Dennis: And then I can be a veterinarian of some kind...
Sweet Dee: Maybe we should think about rehab.
Dennis: We should hit rehab as soon as possible.
Sweet Dee: Soon, in a couple days. Not now.
Dennis: Yeah...

Frank Reynolds: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership, I am promoting you to management
Charlie Kelly: That's why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank Reynolds: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Dee Reynolds: How come Charlie...? It's not fair...
Dennis Reynolds: Why would you do this to us, dad?
Frank Reynolds: Because you're crackheads, children.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Who Pooped the Bed? (#4.7)" (2008)
Dee Reynolds: If we're going to be meeting sophisticated men, we need to start acting with class, we cannot be telling people that we have bleached assholes.
Artemis: He was gonna find out anyways...

Dee Reynolds: That's Artemis, she the sassy one of our group that always plays by her own rules.
Artemis: These guys are playing hard to get, I'm going to take off my bra and blast them my nips

Dee Reynolds: [the Waitress is drunk out of her mind] Maybe you should learn to hold your booze a little better.
Waitress: Maybe you should hold your boobs a little better.

Dee Reynolds: You're not going to go out with me tonight because these idiots found two poopies in a bed?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Has Cancer (#1.4)" (2005)
Mac: Are you sure?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, look at his jeans dude that's a, that's an unmistakable bulge of a large penis in those jeans.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah that's a dick in those pants.
Mac: There's a dick in those pants!
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah.
Mac: I'll be right back.
Mac: Excuse me bro can you give me a second.
[Club goer exits]
Mac: Thanks. Is that a penis in your pants?
Carmen: Yeah.
Mac: You lied to me.
Carmen: No i didn't, you lied to me. You don't work out? Please i see you at the gym your ripped.
Mac: Wait don't turn this around... Wait, really? You think so.
Carmen: Yeah.
Mac: I was afraid i was getting a little too ripped, you know?
Carmen: No, i like it.
Mac: Wow. Hmmmm.
Mac: Well i gotta get back to work, umm, but i don't know maybe ill give you a call sometime.
Carmen: Ok.
Mac: Yeah, yeah ill give you a call.

Dee Reynolds: Dennis maybe you need to rethink this whole plan of yours; i don't think getting Charlie laid is going to help his cancer problem.
Dennis Reynolds: Whatever.
Mac: Dennis i think i found the perfect girl for charlie! smart beautiful the whole thing.
Dennis Reynolds: Where?
Mac: Right there.
Dennis Reynolds: Over there by the pool table?
Mac: Yeah. Nice.
Dennis Reynolds: That's great Mac.
Dee Reynolds: Good work Mac.
Dennis Reynolds: That's a dude.

Dennis Reynolds: I don't get it Dee, there are tons of women in this city, where do they go?
Dee Reynolds: They're at velvet rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.
Dennis Reynolds: Why?
Dee Reynolds: Dennis, our bar is south Philly... in a scary alley... might as well call it "Rape Bar."

Dee Reynolds: don't get it, Dee: There are tons of women in this city; where do they go?
Dee Reynolds: They're at velvet-rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.
Dennis Reynolds: Why?
Dee Reynolds: Dennis, our bar is in south Philly in a scary alley... might as well call it "Rape Bar."


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Gets Crippled (#2.1)" (2006)
Dennis Reynolds: You don't snoop and sneak and appear from behind cars!
Dennis Reynolds: I'm sorry, I had something important to tell you guys.
Dennis Reynolds: We just ran over our friend with a car, what could be more important than that?
Frank Reynolds: Try this on for size... You're mother's dead.
Dee Reynolds: ...What?... Oh, no...
Frank Reynolds: ...No, she's not dead. We're getting divorced though.

[Dee pulls out a stuffed toy elephant]
Dennis Reynolds: Mr. Tibbs.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, is that it? Is that Mr. Tibbs? Is that what they call you? They call you Mr. Tibbs.
[Dee rips off Mr. Tibbs' head]
Dee Reynolds: What do they call you now?
Dennis Reynolds: Whatever. I don't care.
Dee Reynolds: Huh.
[Dennis turns away and silently gasps]

Dee Reynolds: What's going on down there?
Wayne: Those two guys are pretending to be disabled and kicking each other's asses.
Dee Reynolds: What a bunch of scumbags.
[Dee drags herself away in her back-brace and crutches]

Dennis Reynolds: Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?
Dee Reynolds: Same thing you're doing. I'm not letting dad give all this shit to poor people
Dennis Reynolds: Alright, hey I got here first though. I'm taking the plasma TV and I'm taking the fish tank.
Dee Reynolds: How come you get to pick and choose?
Dennis Reynolds: It's not that I get to pick and choose, it's that I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things. You're a woman, you're weak and... you can't.
Dee Reynolds: You're a woman and you're weak.
Dennis Reynolds: That doesn't make any sense
Dee Reynolds: You don't make any sense.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac and Dennis: Manhunters (#4.1)" (2008)
Charlie Kelly: [Charlie and Dee examine bodies in a morgue] These are two dead bodies.
Dee Reynolds: They're dead. Two dead guys.
Charlie Kelly: This is the real deal here.
Dee Reynolds: [Examining African American specimen] I don't think I can eat this guy.
Charlie Kelly: I don't think I can, right? Why is that?
Dee Reynolds: I don't know.
Charlie Kelly: It's not because he's black, though, right?
Dee Reynolds: Of course not... I don't think so... No.
Charlie Kelly: It's because he's dead, right?
Dee Reynolds: It's because he's dead, that's why not.
Charlie Kelly: Good, good, good.
[pause]
Charlie Kelly: I've got a question for you: is it racist if we don't eat this guy?
Dee Reynolds: Well, shit, Charlie. Now it is.
Charlie Kelly: I'm sorry, Dee.
[walking over to white specimen]
Charlie Kelly: The white guy over here looks better to me for some reason.
Dee Reynolds: So much better, doesn't he? What is that?
Charlie Kelly: You know what it is? Generally, I don't eat dark meat.
Dee Reynolds: I prefer the white meat. I always have.
Charlie Kelly: It's not that guy. It's this guy.
Dee Reynolds: The problem is: I'm gonna have a really hard time if we're both cannibals *and* we're racists.
Dee Reynolds: We're not, Dee. Cannibalism? Racism? Dee, that's not for us. You know? Those are the decisions that are best left to the suits in Washington. Okay? We're just here to eat some dude.
Dee Reynolds: You lost me with Washington, but the rest I agree with. So let's eat a peace of this guy.
Charlie Kelly: [long, apprehensive pause] I can't do it.
Dee Reynolds: No. Me neither.
Charlie Kelly: The goods news is, I guess this means we're not racist.

Frank Reynolds: [Charlie and Dee are discussing where to get some human meat from Frank] That wasn't human meat! It was raccoon meat. You probably got a tapeworm, that stuff is loaded with parasites!
Charlie Kelly: [Charlie starts laughing hysterically] Raccoon meat! BULLSHIT!
Dee Reynolds: Oh yes Frank, we're gonna go get some of that human meat of yours!
Charlie Kelly: [brandishing a butcher knife] I'M GONNA CHOP A PIECE OF THAT FAT LITTLE CALF MUSCLE OF YOURS AND I'M GONNA EAT IT! GET HIM!
[Charlie and Dee chase after Frank]
Mac: And the hunt is on once again.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh those two are gonna have so much fun.
[Dennis goes and locks the door]
Mac: Yes indeed. But the question still remains with what to do with Mr. Cricket.
Dennis Reynolds: Yup Mac, it's just us now. Just you and me, and a couple of pairs of sour, sweaty balls.

Frank Reynolds: Ah I see you two are enjoying my meat. I was just buying some wine. A nice port to compliment what you two have just eaten. By the way, you know what you've just eaten right?
Dee Reynolds: Was it venison?
Frank Reynolds: You WISH it was venison!
Charlie Kelly: What is it then?
Frank Reynolds: THAT which you have just eaten, which your taste buds have savored, which your teeth have just torn apart, THAT is human meat.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Dances Their Asses Off (#3.15)" (2007)
Dee Reynolds: [about the dance 'contest']
Dee Reynolds: Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie Kelly: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee Reynolds: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank Reynolds: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie Kelly: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Dee Reynolds: [about the dance 'contest'] Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie Kelly: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee Reynolds: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank Reynolds: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie Kelly: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Dee Reynolds: Good luck with those kegs, boners.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The World Series Defense (#5.6)" (2009)
Dee Reynolds: [Reading Mac's letter to Chase Utley] Dear Chase I feel like I can call you chase because you and me are so alike. I'd like to meet you one day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can't throw as fast as you but I think you'd be impressed with my speed. I love your hair, you run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more. I know you have no been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did. I hope you write back this time, and we can become good friends. I am sure our relationship would be a real homerun!

Dennis Reynolds: [Walks in on his friends preparing for the Phillies playing in the World Series] Hey guys what's up?
Dee Reynolds: How come you aren't wearing your colors?
Dennis Reynolds: Colors? What are you...? Oh my God, is today the World Series? I totally forgot... oh wait a minute!
[Takes off shirt to reveal "Go Phillies" written on his chest]
Dennis Reynolds: Sporting events are the one time it's socially acceptable to go shirtless in public and I plan to be blasting bare chest the whole time.
Dennis Reynolds: You're gonna feel cold as shit up in those stands!
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not going to be feeling anything because I plan to be blasted on grain alcohol!

Dee Reynolds: Did you write a love letter to Chase Utley?
Mac: In a lot of ways, yes, I do love him, but that is not a love letter in the way that you're thinking of! Okay? There's nothing sexual or...
Dee Reynolds: Okay sounds good. I'm going to read it.
Mac: Yeah! Read it!
Dee Reynolds: "Dear Chase..." Oh, shit! There's stickers! My god...
Mac: Yeah, you gotta jazz it up.
Dee Reynolds: You sure do.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad (#2.10)" (2006)
Dennis Reynolds: I am not banging my sister.
Barbara Reynolds: Jesus Christ! What have I walked into here?
Dee Reynolds: Oh my God.
Barbara Reynolds: You two aren't having *sex* together...
Dennis Reynolds: No, we're not having sex.
Frank Reynolds: What the hell is she doing here?
Dee Reynolds: Sit down please, Mom.
Barbara Reynolds: I am not getting pulled into any sort of perverted sex talk.
Dennis Reynolds: It's not perverted!
Frank Reynolds: Banging your sister is perverted, Dennis!
Dennis Reynolds: [shouts] I am not banging my sister!

Mac: What in the hell is a MySpace page?
Dee Reynolds: It's like that friends forum.
Dennis Reynolds: Dude, these things are actually pretty awesome. You create a profile, and then you put your picture on there, and then other people send you pictures of themselves and they want to be your friend.
Mac: Wow, so that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You guys are losers.
Dennis Reynolds: How are we losers, dude?
Mac: Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: computers are for losers.
Dennis Reynolds: And you're drinking a beer at 8 o'clock in the morning.
Mac: Whatever, dude, irrelevant.

Dee Reynolds: We need to talk to you about something, Dad.
Frank Reynolds: Shoot.
Dennis Reynolds: It's kind of disturbing.
Frank Reynolds: You two aren't banging, are you?
Dee Reynolds: What?
Dennis Reynolds: No! What are you talking about?
Dee Reynolds: No, that's disgusting.
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, yeah it is. Stay away from that kind of thing. No good can come of it, trust me.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Finds a Dead Guy (#1.6)" (2005)
Dee Reynolds: [upon finding someone slumped over in a booth] Who's this?
Mac: I don't know. I've never seen him before.
Dee Reynolds: Well, can you get him out of here? He stinks.
Mac: [walking over to the man] Hey, let's go. Oh my Je... oh my god! He shit his pants, Dee. Dee, he shit his pants.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, I don't want to know that.
Mac: [Mac groans and grabs a pool stick] I'm gonna poke him with this. Get up old man. This isn't the American Legion. Wake up! Yo!
Dee Reynolds: What's the matter?
Mac: He won't wake up.
Dee Reynolds: Well, poke him harder in his ribs.
Mac: [continuing to poke the man] Wake up old man. Wake up!
[the man falls over to his side]
Mac: Holy shit. That bitch is dead.

Charlie Kelly: [Sweet Dee asking Charlie to go with her to a nursing home] I'll tell you what. I'll go with you, but you have to let me borrow your car any time I want.
Sweet Dee: No
Charlie Kelly: Every now and then...
Sweet Dee: No
Charlie Kelly: One time...
Sweet Dee: All right.
Charlie Kelly: And, you have to take me to lunch twice a week for a year.
Sweet Dee: No, I don't.
Charlie Kelly: Once a week...
Sweet Dee: Nuh-uh.
Charlie Kelly: Today.
Sweet Dee: OK.

Dee Reynolds: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.
Mac: No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm
Dee Reynolds: You can't break Tom Brady's arm
Mac: Oh yes, I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Nightman Cometh (#4.13)" (2008)
Dee Reynolds: [singing] Sonny boy/little boy/baby boy/I want to touch you boy... Sonny boy/little boy/baby boy/want to make love to you boy...

Charlie Kelly: She also transcribed my work into a format you might consider a little bit more legible.
Dee Reynolds: Or literate. She added words to it.

Dee Reynolds: Charlie, don't screw me like this, come on.
Charlie Kelly: Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee, let me try and remember something. Let's see, was it, did Dee write a musical and come to Charlie with it? No! Charlie wrote a musical and came to Dee with it, and the gang. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves, and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams. So let me tell you something, Dee, let me break down a scenario for you. I could cut the song, OK, because I wrote it. I could have Artemis do the song, OK, because you did not write it. Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself. So you tell me, Little Miss All That, what do you want to do? Song or no song?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Underage Drinking: A National Concern (#1.3)" (2005)
Dennis Reynolds: What the hell is going on?
Charlie Kelly: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kanallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timny at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Henebry, but he doesn't like Erin Henebry, it was all a bunch of bull.
Sweet Dee: [wanders over] What is happening?
Charlie Kelly: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because -
Mac: Okay, you know what, Charlie? You gotta stop, honestly.

Sweet Dee: Where were you when I was in high school?
Trey: I was eight.
Sweet Dee: Right... right.

Dee Reynolds: Trey asked me to prom last night. This is getting really weird.
Charlie Kelly: That girl Sarah asked me too.
Dee Reynolds: Are you kidding?
Mac: What? We can't go to the prom, thats pathetic.
Charlie Kelly: What do you mean "we"? Who asked you?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack (#4.10)" (2008)
Dee Reynolds: You know what I gotta be honest with you, I think these supplements are doing a great job on their own, you know what I mean? I got tons of energy, my heart rates up, things are going great...
Dennis Reynolds: Absolutely. I feel great too. Look how vascular I am, look at how my veins are poppin'.
Dee Reynolds: Holy Shit.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, I look good AND I feel good.
Dee Reynolds: I feel good too apart from the recent bounds of explosive diarrhea.
Dennis Reynolds: Ohh. You've been having diarrhea?
Dee Reynolds: Oh God, all over the place.
Dennis Reynolds: Really? Well you know what that is, that's probably your body flushing out all the toxins.
Dee Reynolds: You think so?
Dennis Reynolds: I do think so yeah, yeah. I on the other hand have not taken a shit in days.
Dee Reynolds: Days?
Dennis Reynolds: Days.
Dee Reynolds: That doesn't sound good.
Dennis Reynolds: Ohh, no it's good. My body's working at 100% efficiency. Yeah, my body is absorbing every single nutrient and it's not wasting a single thing.
Dee Reynolds: Your body is taking it's job very seriously.
Dennis Reynolds: My body's doing it's job like it's never done it before.

Dee Reynolds: Why don't we up the supplements which we know work and eliminate working out which we know blows.
Dennis Reynolds: That sounds like a pretty good plan. You know what? I'm gonna take it one step further and propose that we start working on a muscle that we've been neglecting this entire time. And it's the most important muscle in the entire body.
[takes out fitness instructor's cd and inserts his own into the cd player]
Dee Reynolds: Which muscle?
Dennis Reynolds: The face.
[Steve Winwood's 'Higher Love' begins playing]
Dennis Reynolds: That's a gift for you bumble bee. Come on.
Dee Reynolds: Enjoy it Coach Dick 'n' Balls.

Dee Reynolds: What the shit is this?
Mac: Cheech over here bought himself a bong.
Frank Reynolds: [taking a massive bong rip] Holy shit Deeandra, this is wacky. I want you to go download me a hoagie off the internet.
Dee Reynolds: That doesn't make any sense.
Dennis Reynolds: Hey Frank say something else funny.
Frank Reynolds: You think there's bitches in the bar?
Dee Reynolds: What?
Frank Reynolds: Bitches in the bar?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty Magoo (#3.5)" (2007)
Dee Reynolds: What is this thing?
Charlie Kelly: That's Dennis' prototype. Be careful with that.
Dee Reynolds: No, I know it's the prototype but I don't get how it works.
Charlie Kelly: Dee, you're asking a million questions. All right look, I'm just going to walk you through it, so pay attention. OK, look, the pretty lady gets naked, of course, and I help her into the prototype, yes? My hands sort of guiding along her body making sure that it fits properly. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know? And she feels very excited, she feels very sensual and I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good. And then, you know, we chit-chat a little bit, no big deal but she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from? I accept, you know? And then we chit-chat at her place, it's no big deal, but eventually she says, "Do you want to make love, Charlie?"
Dee Reynolds: Oh god.
Charlie Kelly: And I say, "Are you serious? Because yes, I do." And then just boom, we're in to it and it's hot and it's passionate.
Dee Reynolds: Charlie...
Charlie Kelly: And then it's just you and me babe...
Dee Reynolds: Oh my god.
Charlie Kelly: ...Like all night long...
Dee Reynolds: Charlie...
Charlie Kelly: ...And I satisfy her so many times. She starts screaming my name...
Dee Reynolds: Charlie!
Charlie Kelly: "Charlie!" she says...
Dee Reynolds: Charlie!
Charlie Kelly: ..."Charlie!" she says, "Charlie!" she says...
Dee Reynolds: CHARLIE, Jesus!
Charlie Kelly: Dee! What are you... I thought you had walked back over...
Dee Reynolds: No, I've been standing here the whole time!
Charlie Kelly: Look, I was in the middle of a...
Dee Reynolds: Are you going to help me with this or not?
Charlie Kelly: I'm trying to... What are you doing, because you're looking pretty...
Dee Reynolds: Oh Jesus, I'm just going to do this myself.

Dee Reynolds: What is this thing?
Charlie Kelly: That's Dennis' prototype, be careful with that
Dee Reynolds: No, I know it's the prototype but I don't get how it works.
Charlie Kelly: Dee, you're asking a million questions. All right, look, I'm just going to walk you through it, so pay attention. OK, look, the pretty lady gets naked, of course, and I help her into the prototype, yes? My hands sort of guiding along her body making sure that it fits properly. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know? And she feels very excited, she feels very sensual and I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good. And then, you know, we chit-chat a little bit, no big deal but she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from? I accept, you know? And then we chit-chat at her place, it's no big deal, but eventually she says, "Do you want to make love, Charlie?"
Dee Reynolds: Oh God.
Charlie Kelly: And I say, "Are you serious? Because yes, I do." And then just boom, we're into it and it's hot and it's passionate.
Dee Reynolds: Charlie...
Charlie Kelly: And then it's just you and me babe...
Dee Reynolds: Oh my God.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac & Charlie Die: Part 1 (#4.5)" (2008)
[after discovering a glory hole in their toilets]
Dee Reynolds: Why would you want to have sex with someone you can't see?
Dennis Reynolds: Well, Dee. I think the real question is, why wouldn't you want to have sex with someone you can't see?

Dee Reynolds: [Knocks on door] Charlie, open up we got a dickhole in the bar and I need you to come fill it in.
Charlie Kelly: [sighs] Ok, I gotta go fill her dickhole, bro.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation (#3.6)" (2007)
Dee Reynolds: Those goddamn North Koreans.
Dennis Reynolds: They are some sneaky bastards.

Dee Reynolds: [very drunk] Good evening, I need to speak to Mr. Kim please.
Mr. Kim: I'm Mr. Kim.
Dee Reynolds: Huh. Alright, Mr. Kim, my name is Rita Fire... s. Hmm, Fires. And I am from the National Health Inspectors, uhh Store and I need to, I need to make sure your secret microbrew is up to code.
Mr. Kim: Health inspector?
Dee Reynolds: Oh you bet your ass, Kim.
Dee Reynolds: [Mr. Kim throws her out the back door] Wait I just wanted your stupid recipe!
Mr. Kim: You, terrible actress!
Dee Reynolds: Wait wait wait! Ok, I'll sleep with you.
Mr. Kim: Your breath smell like vomit.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Gun Fever (#1.5)" (2005)
[someone is robbing the bar and Dennis is about to shoot him]
Sweet Dee: [shouts] Shoot him in the face!

Mac: We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, oh, the gun... yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you
Charlie Kelly: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah... mm... Dee, could you get me a nurse?
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, sure.
[exits]
Charlie Kelly: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun
Mac: No way!
Dennis Reynolds: [pulls gun out of his pants] Never.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Goes Jihad (#2.2)" (2006)
Dee Reynolds: I haven't seen you for a month, and I'm standing here in a neck brace. Are you gonna ask me how I'm doing... or what happened... or...
Mrs. Reynolds: I assume you did something stupid.
Dee Reynolds: Dennis ran me over with his car!
Mrs. Reynolds: There you go again! Don't you think it's about time you start taking responsibility for your actions?
Dee Reynolds: I...
Mrs. Reynolds: [interrupting her] I want my possessions returned.
[Barbara feeds her dog some food from a plate]
Dee Reynolds: I was eating that, mother!
Mrs. Reynolds: I've been running around. I haven't had time to feed the dog. Could you stop thinking about yourself for once? And besides, you don't need it, sweetie.
[Dee gasps, squeals, and storms off]
Mrs. Reynolds: Well that's attractive. Maybe if you took a bit more pride in your appearance you could find a man, and then you wouldn've have to steal from your mother. I mean, look at your skin, Deandra. Christ, there is a sun in Philadelphia.

Dee Reynolds: [to Frank] Why can't you die and leave us your money like normal parents of America?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas (#6.13)" (2009)
Dennis Reynolds: How are we doing over here?
Dee Reynolds: Uh... Not well. This is ridiculous. People are definitely starting to notice.
Dennis Reynolds: Of course they're starting to notice. There's a grown man crammed inside of a couch for Christ's sake. They're going to notice. So let's just talk to somebody. Can you grab that guy?
Dee Reynolds: [to two office workers] Hey you two!
Dennis Reynolds: Heyyyyy! So how we doing at the Christmas party? We having a good time?
Woman Office Worker: Yes, great time.
Dee Reynolds: Great! So uh... Frank Reynolds?
[Makes thumbs down motion and blows raspberry]
Dennis Reynolds: Oh yeah, we we're just talking about him. He's the worst, huh?
Woman Office Worker: Do... Do you work here?
Dennis Reynolds: ...Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. We hop around. Consultationists. So we consult here... we consult across the street too...
Man Office Worker: Is there a man in that couch?
Dennis Reynolds: Ha ha! What are you saying? A man in a couch? That's absurd!
Man Office Worker: No, I believe there's a man in that couch right there!
Dennis Reynolds: There is no man! There's no man! Say something things about Frank Reynolds, say them loud, and make sure they're horrible horrible things, then we'll deal with the man in the couch!
Man Office Worker: Okay, so there is a man in the couch!
Dee Reynolds: Alright, just call Frank Reynolds an asshole!
Man Office Worker: Who is Frank Reynolds?
Dennis Reynolds: He's the man in the couch!
Woman Office Worker: Oh my god! What are you people doing?
Dennis Reynolds: Would you just say something about Frank that's horrible? Call him an asshole!
Dennis Reynolds: Frank Reynolds is an asshole!
[Frank tears a hole in the couch and climbs out naked and sweaty]

Dennis Reynolds: If you guys love Christmas so much, why do you always wait until the last possible minute to put up the Christmas decorations? It is the day before Christmas.
Mac: That's our tradition.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, that's what we do. We drink a lot of eggnog. We pass out. And then we don't put anything up, so we do it at the last minute.
Mac: Yeah, then we wake up at Christmas and celebrate by throwing rocks at moving freight trains.
Dee Reynolds: Why would grown men throw rocks at trains?
Mac: Why wouldn't we throw rocks at trains? It's beats throwing rocks at passing cars, or at people.
Charlie Kelly: It's awesome. That's what you do on Christmas morning. We've been doing it since we were kids. Look, whatever. I'm sorry that we love Christmas and we have awesome Christmas traditions and you guys hate Christmas.
Mac: They hate Christmas because I always got the best gifts, and Frank always gave them shitty presents.
Dee Reynolds: You think we don't like Christmas because Frank gave us shitty presents?
Dennis Reynolds: Is that really what you think? No, Frank didn't buy shitty presents. Frank bought the most awesome presents in the world. As a matter of fact, he would find out whatever Christmas presents we wanted that year... and he would buy them for himself instead of buying them for us.
Charlie Kelly: Really? That must have been why he wanted me to walkie you guys when you got to the bar. 'Cause he was trying to do something about making your Christmas better. Or worse.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person (#3.9)" (2007)
Dennis Reynolds: [after realizing he knew Dee's new boyfriend in high school] That guy's retarded!
Dee Reynolds: Yeah? Well you're retarded.
Dennis Reynolds: No, Dee, I mean he is actually a retarded person.
Dee Reynolds: Come on. He's so succesful and he gives me things like this necklace. I would know if he was retarded. Wouldn't I?

[repeated line]
Dee Reynolds: Boom.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest (#4.3)" (2008)
Dennis Reynolds: You'd better have a damn good reason for getting us up this early.
Frank Reynolds: Yeah I was going over the company expense report.
Dennis Reynolds: Those are all legitimate.
Frank Reynolds: Oh yeah? Who spent $500 on laser hair removal?
Dennis Reynolds: I did.
Frank Reynolds: Who spent $1500 on a samurai sword?
Mac: Got to be able to protect this place.
Frank Reynolds: Who spent $5000 on a video camera?
Dee Reynolds: See what I figured was all those crazy characters I've been creating over the years? I'm gonna take them and put them Youtube and then maybe get discovered by like a casting director.
Charlie Kelly: Are you serious?
[everyone starts arguing]
Dennis Reynolds: But these are all legitimate expenses. Some are definitely more realistic than others.
[everyone points to Dee]
Frank Reynolds: What I bought is a business expense. What I bought is gonna save our asses!
Charlie Kelly: What did you get?
Frank Reynolds: I bought a billboard!
[cue title: "America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest"]

Dee Reynolds: See this is the part where I would volunteer to be the girl on the billboard and you guys would find some reason not to and compare me to some sort of animal like a giant bird.
Dennis Reynolds: [agreeing] Oh she looks so much like a bird doesn't she?
Charlie Kelly: See I was thinking fish because of how far apart her eyes are.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead (#3.3)" (2007)
Bruce: We were in Uganda doing a lot of work with the AIDS crisis there and...
Frank Reynolds: AIDS? You touch anybody?
Bruce: Well, sure.
Frank Reynolds: Hey, man! What kind of shit is that? You just hugged me! Why would you do that?
Dee Reynolds: Seamus is joking. He's got a - He's got a very dry sense of humor.
Frank Reynolds: I'm not joking! That shit is serious! I gotta take a shower now!

Frank Reynolds: I got a plan to get back at your mother!
Dee Reynolds: Too late, I'm already full throttle over here. I'm going to dig up her body in the middle of the night and snatch back that jewelry.
Frank Reynolds: That's insane!
Dee Reynolds: Frank, that woman is buried down there like Mr. T! I got to get to that body while the earth is still loose.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Got Molested (#1.7)" (2005)
Mac: If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?
Dennis Reynolds: You're going to hell, dude.
Dee Reynolds: Seriously.

Dee Reynolds: Whoa, that was really weird.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah. Well this confirms it. He definitely got molested.
Dee Reynolds: Ugh. We gotta get in there.
Dennis Reynolds: Get - we gotta get in there?
Dee Reynolds: Yes!
Dennis Reynolds: You can't just thrust yourself into the position of caregiver like that.
Dee Reynolds: Caregiver? Why are you throwing around big words? You know, I actually majored in psych so...
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, well you failed all your classes.
Dee Reynolds: So?
Dennis Reynolds: And I had a minor and I passed all mine so...
Dee Reynolds: Okay well you know what? 3/4 of a major is a lot bigger than a whole minor.
Dennis Reynolds: I don't even know how to respond to that.
Dee Reynolds: Well, that doesn't surprise me.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, it shouldn't because what you said is really... dumb.
Dee Reynolds: That's a good one.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, it is.
Dee Reynolds: It's good. I liked that one.
Dennis Reynolds: I felt good about it.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby (#3.1)" (2007)
Dee Reynolds: [reading from note] Taked baby. Meet at later bar, night or day... sometime.
Dee Reynolds, Mac: [together] Charlie!

Mac: We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes.
Dee Reynolds: Just to get a base.
Mac: [exaggerated] Just to get a base.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Waitress Is Getting Married (#5.5)" (2009)
Dee Reynolds: Great and in the mean time I'll try to sobatage the wedding by luring Brad away from her.
Dennis Reynolds: [Empahizes] Yeaaah
Mac: Dee, save yourself the embarassment.

Mrs. Mac: This party sucks!
Dee Reynolds: You suck!
Charlie's Mom: I need a ride!
Dee Reynolds: Oh really? Well I ain't giving you shit you old bitch!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire (#3.8)" (2007)
Dee Reynolds: Oh look, plutonium smuggled into Syria. Yeah, that's gonna change my life drastically.

Frank Reynolds: I'm going with you guys because I am bored as shit.
Dee Reynolds: That's not a good idea because when you get involved people usually get hurt.
Frank Reynolds: I'm just hanging out with the guys. How's anyone gonna get hurt?
[cue title card: "Frank Sets Sweet Dee On Fire"]


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Sells Out (#3.7)" (2007)
Dee Reynolds: [to Dennis] Well, while you've been picking up bar whores, I've been double-dropping like a bastard out there.
Waitress: Oh my God, you're double-dropping again, Dee?
Dee Reynolds: Oh, I never stopped double-dropping.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis (#4.2)" (2008)
Frank Reynolds: What do you see?
Dee Reynolds: I can't see shit! Why did you tint the inside of the windows?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis (#5.1)" (2009)
Dee Reynolds: [at the pool for a family she's agreed to be a surrogate mother for] Hey guys, watch me do this sweet jack knife!
[Dives into the pool landing belly first with a loud smack]
Tad: Oh! Oh god, are you okay!
Dee Reynolds: [spitting out water and gasping for breath] Man I really biffed that one. Thank god there wasn't a baby in there.
Tad: You biffed it?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Exploits a Miracle (#2.7)" (2006)
Frank Reynolds: What, you put the moves on him?
Dee Reynolds: First of all, gross, I don't think you're supposed to whore out your kids. Second of all, that guy is a really good person and I've treated him like shit for his whole life. For once I'm going to do the right thing.
Frank Reynolds: He thinks you're too old, huh?
Dee Reynolds: God Damn it. Why do I speak to you? Ever?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Held Hostage (#3.4)" (2007)
Dee Reynolds: Get on your knees bitches!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens (#5.8)" (2009)
Charlie Kelly: [Looking at attorney through binoculars] Oh shit, I see him. He's walking towards the car. He's walking towards the car!
Dee Reynolds: Get down!
Charlie Kelly: Why's he coming towards us?
Dee Reynolds: Get down and hold still!
Attorney: [Gets in drivers seat of the car] Alright... So um, what are you people doing in my car now?


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie's Mom Has Cancer (#8.6)" (2012)
Dee Reynolds: Tell you what. Property taxes - paying for what you already own? Now THAT'S a scam.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Paddy's Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia (#4.8)" (2008)
Dee Reynolds: If I had to write an article about you, it would say that you're very negative. The headline might be 'Most negative man in the world calls other people white trash to make himself not feel so faggy."


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom (#2.4)" (2006)
Dee Reynolds: I want my job back.
Charlie Kelly: And you shall have it. Oh, Dee. It looks like we both need things from each other.
Dee Reynolds: I am not having sex with you, Charlie.
Charlie Kelly: No. It's not sex I want from you. It's sex I don't want from Dennis.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Whacked: Part 2 (#3.13)" (2007)
Charlie Kelly: I'm asking hypothetical questions here, come on.
Dee Reynolds: I'm sorry! I'm a little bit preoccupied with being worried about being killed by the mob because a homeless priest ran off with all of our drugs!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac and Charlie Write a Movie (#5.11)" (2009)
Dee Reynolds: Where is M. Night? I have questions for him!


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City (#3.14)" (2007)
Dee Reynolds: There's a masturbating bum in the alley.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Hits the Road (#5.2)" (2009)
Dee Reynolds: [after hearing that a young hitch hiker they've picked up is running away from home to go to Hollywood] Oh no... You're gonna end up doing gay porno with this little body of yours.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Cracks the Liberty Bell (#4.11)" (2008)
Charlie Kelly: Why is the witch-slave shooting at you anyways?
Frank Reynolds: Maybe she used her sorcery.
Dee Reynolds: Sorcery? Your dumb-dick partner walked into the bar, and said he'd stolen a bunch of guns, and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head, and of course I did, so here we are.
Frank Reynolds: Damn your necromancy woman!