Frank Reynolds
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Quotes for
Frank Reynolds (Character)
from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (2005)

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"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Runs for Office (#2.8)" (2006)
Frank Reynolds: There's nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who's smart and attractive; we have to pretend you're both!
Sweet Dee: Wow, you're a horrible father.

Frank Reynolds: This is a brilliant idea, hobovertising! Come on it looks good, beer 'em

Frank Reynolds: You look like a dick in that tiny jacket!

Frank Reynolds: Now, Daddy hates to say this, but I think we need to talk about the breasts.

Frank Reynolds: A woman in politics is like a donkey doing calculus.
Dee Reynolds: There are plenty of good women politicians.
Frank Reynolds: Name one.
Dee Reynolds: Um, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton
Frank Reynolds: Awful!
Dee Reynolds: How is she awful?
Frank Reynolds: Hates freedom.

Frank Reynolds: There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive. We have to pretend you're both!
Dee Reynolds: Wow, you're a horrible father.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention (#5.4)" (2009)
Dee Reynolds: What is "Night Crawlers"?
Dennis Reynolds: It's a game where they crawl around in the night like worms.
Charlie Kelly: I never said that.
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, well that's what it is.

Mac: I have an idea.
Frank Reynolds: [turns in fear] Where did you come from?
Mac: Frank, I've been walking next to you this entire time.

Frank Reynolds: [at the cemetery] Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna.
Donna: Hello, Frank.
Frank Reynolds: You surprised to see me?
Donna: No. You left several voicemails congratulating me on my husband's death.
Frank Reynolds: Well, I was pretty baked.

Frank Reynolds: [cocks gun as he enters the bar] Where's the goddamn fire?

Frank Reynolds: Intervention. Intervention. You banged my dead wife?
Mac: Well, she was alive at the time. But... Did you not know that?
Frank Reynolds: No.
Charlie Kelly: It's cool, man. It's cool. Intervention. Intervention, okay? Look, he's got a weird, um, fetish for older women, so don't hold it against him.
Mac: I don't have an older-woman fetish.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, you do.
Mac: I don't wanna bang this chick.
[points to Tabitha]

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Whacked: Part 1 (#3.12)" (2007)
Charlie Kelly: It's a one-time flip. We'll go to your - that shady guy, Bingo, that you know. We'll say, "Here's a pile of drugs. Give us some money." And then...
Frank Reynolds: Uh-huh. Oh, no, no, no. You don't go to Bingo. Bingo is my contact.

Dennis Reynolds: Oh my God, we are so screwed. How are we going to get $25,000 by Friday?
Frank Reynolds: Don't look at me. You made this bed; you're sleeping in it. This is a life lesson for you.
Dennis Reynolds: Frank, this is not the time to be throwing down life lessons, alright? We are going to get whacked off by a bunch of scary Italian guys.
Charlie Kelly: Did they say they were going to whack us off?
Dennis Reynolds: They implied they wanted to whack us all off!
Dee Reynolds: Nobody's gonna get whacked off today, okay? Listen: we're gonna take the money, we'll go get our drugs back from Bingo, we'll give it to the mob, and we'll pretend none of this ever happened.

Dee Reynolds: [drops a bag of Oxycontin on the pool table] Boom.
Frank Reynolds: What am I supposed to do with that?
Mac: You tell us.
Charlie Kelly: Bingo told us you know how to sell those drugs.
Frank Reynolds: I told you not to involve me in that! Did you mention my name?
Dennis Reynolds: First thing we did.
Dee Reynolds: You gonna harp on it all day?
Frank Reynolds: Goddammit! The guy's gonna skin me alive.
Charlie Kelly: He is gonna skin you alive.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, he mentioned something about it.
Dennis Reynolds: Will you just pay the mob off so we don't have to sell these pills?
Frank Reynolds: Dennis, I am not using any more of my money!
Dennis Reynolds: The mob is gonna kill us, man!
Frank Reynolds: Look, if I cave on this, I'm gonna be bailing you guys out for the rest of my life. I'm putting my foot down on this one. You bitches gotta earn your own money!

Mac: Frank, you are gonna get us into that country club you used to belong to and we're gonna sell the pills there.
Dennis Reynolds: That'd be a good place to sell those pills.
Mac: Yes, thank you very much.
Frank Reynolds: You can't make no $25,000 from that amount of pills. How long you got?
Mac: 'til Friday.
Frank Reynolds: Mm-mmm. You're gonna have to turn a trick or two; go into prostitution.
Dee Reynolds: You are disgusting! How could you suggest - I am absolutely not doing that!
Frank Reynolds: I wasn't talking about you. Guys at those country clubs get hotter broads than you.
Dennis Reynolds: I would think, yeah.
Mac: Yeah.
Frank Reynolds: I was saying the male escort is really hard to come by.
Charlie Kelly: I'm picking up what you're putting down. I'll do it.
Frank Reynolds: Eh, Charlie, you're not quite cut from the right cloth.
Mac: Okay. Make it me.
Frank Reynolds: Mac, you're too low class. All those women are gonna thing they're gonna catch somethin' from you.
Mac: They are.
Dennis Reynolds: They will.
Frank Reynolds: I was thinking about Dennis.
Dennis Reynolds: Right. Now, Frank, will any of these women be attractive in any way?
Frank Reynolds: Probably not.

Dennis Reynolds: I'm not gonna be a whore, Frank!
Frank Reynolds: You're already a whore. Why not make some money at it?
Dennis Reynolds: You're just gonna try and make me bang old ladies, then you're gonna have me move on to dudes.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad (#2.10)" (2006)
Frank Reynolds: Banging your sister is perverted, Dennis!

Dennis Reynolds: I am not banging my sister.
Barbara Reynolds: Jesus Christ! What have I walked into here?
Dee Reynolds: Oh my God.
Barbara Reynolds: You two aren't having *sex* together...
Dennis Reynolds: No, we're not having sex.
Frank Reynolds: What the hell is she doing here?
Dee Reynolds: Sit down please, Mom.
Barbara Reynolds: I am not getting pulled into any sort of perverted sex talk.
Dennis Reynolds: It's not perverted!
Frank Reynolds: Banging your sister is perverted, Dennis!
Dennis Reynolds: [shouts] I am not banging my sister!

Dee Reynolds: We need to talk to you about something, Dad.
Frank Reynolds: Shoot.
Dennis Reynolds: It's kind of disturbing.
Frank Reynolds: You two aren't banging, are you?
Dee Reynolds: What?
Dennis Reynolds: No! What are you talking about?
Dee Reynolds: No, that's disgusting.
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, yeah it is. Stay away from that kind of thing. No good can come of it, trust me.

Frank Reynolds: [looking for someone via MySpace so he can kill him] Shit! He hasn't accepted my friend request!
Charlie Kelly: Relax, Frank. Sometimes it takes a while.
Frank Reynolds: It's been days! I have no friends!
Charlie Kelly: Would you stop saying that? You have friends.
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, I got you, I got this guy, Tom, and this crazy lady who claims we had a one-night-stand 30 years ago.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, but Tom doesn't really count. He sort of comes with it.

Mac: Charlie, this is our opportunity to prove to people that we are to be respected. No one is more respected than dudes in prison right?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah.
Mac: And what are dudes in prison?
Charlie Kelly: Hard?
Mac: Right; this is our chance to get hard.
Charlie Kelly: OK OK i just don't know if this is the best way to get hard.
Mac: Of course it is, this is totally hard. Look you want to get hard don't you?
Charlie Kelly: I want to get hard. I want to get very very hard.
Mac: Alright, do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie Kelly: Dude I don't want to shove anything in my ass.
Mac: Alright this is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are and not have to shove anything into our asses.
Frank Reynolds: What in Gods name are you two talking about?
Mac: Frank we're in.
Frank Reynolds: Great!
[Fires Gun]

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Whacked: Part 2 (#3.13)" (2007)
Frank Reynolds: Your "Jane" is sitting over there.
Dennis Reynolds: Aw, you gotta be kid- Her? Dude, she's like a hundred years old.
Frank Reynolds: 68 tops.
Dennis Reynolds: That's still extremely old. I'm not kissing that.
Frank Reynolds: Nah, you don't have to kiss her. We can make that one of your rules.
Dennis Reynolds: This time nothing with the ass, 'cause that got really weird last time, alright?
Frank Reynolds: What are you talkin' about?
Dennis Reynolds: You didn't set up that ass play on the last one?
Frank Reynolds: No, I never set up any ass play.
Dennis Reynolds: Alright. Well, I wanna set up a doctor's appointment anyway, just to be safe.
Frank Reynolds: Alright. Do that.

Dennis Reynolds: Where am I having dinner tonight, Frank? I'm kind of in the mood for Asian fusion.
Frank Reynolds: No more dinners. We're going straight to bangin' from now on. Check this out.
[shows Dennis his newspaper ad]
Dennis Reynolds: Jesus Christ, man.
Frank Reynolds: What, you got a problem?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah. This makes me seem like a whore.
Frank Reynolds: You are a whore.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not a whore, I'm a handsome companion who goes to nice dinners with fancy women, and who has rules about what he'll do. I mean, what happened to the rules, Frank?
Frank Reynolds: You can still have your rules.
Dennis Reynolds: It says right here "no rules"!

Frank Reynolds: You like ass play? He'll do anything with the ass.

Mac: Frank, he cannot bang this woman. It's the mob boss's wife.
Frank Reynolds: Oh, what do you think she's gonna do, call her husband and say she's bangin' a whore? Dennis, up those stairs!

Mac: Frank, put the gun away.
Frank Reynolds: Oh, no! I'm goin' out, I'm goin' guns blazin'.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac and Dennis: Manhunters (#4.1)" (2008)
Frank Reynolds: [Charlie and Dee are discussing where to get some human meat from Frank] That wasn't human meat! It was raccoon meat. You probably got a tapeworm, that stuff is loaded with parasites!
Charlie Kelly: [Charlie starts laughing hysterically] Raccoon meat! BULLSHIT!
Dee Reynolds: Oh yes Frank, we're gonna go get some of that human meat of yours!
[Charlie and Dee chase after Frank]
Mac: And the hunt is on once again.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh those two are gonna have so much fun.
[Dennis goes and locks the door]
Mac: Yes indeed. But the question still remains with what to do with Mr. Cricket.
Dennis Reynolds: Yup Mac, it's just us now. Just you and me, and a couple of pairs of sour, sweaty balls.

Matthew 'Rickety Cricket' Mara: Oh yes, Mac and Dennis, get ready for a mouthful of strawberry blond, hair covered balls.
Frank Reynolds: [stunned] What is it with you people? You're touching each other's nipples, putting your balls in each other's mouths... I just don't understand your generation.

Frank Reynolds: Ah I see you two are enjoying my meat. I was just buying some wine. A nice port to compliment what you two have just eaten. By the way, you know what you've just eaten right?
Dee Reynolds: Was it venison?
Frank Reynolds: You WISH it was venison!
Charlie Kelly: What is it then?
Frank Reynolds: THAT which you have just eaten, which your taste buds have savored, which your teeth have just torn apart, THAT is human meat.

Frank Reynolds: I went on a manhunt once. I just got back from Nam. I was hitchhiking through Oregon. Next thing I know there's a bunch of cops chasing after me through the woods! I had to take them all out, it was a bloodbath!
Mac: Dude that's Rambo.
Dennis Reynolds: And that's not the first time you've compared yourself to Jon Rambo by the way.
Mac: You know what? This is making me think I could get on board with a manhunt.
Dennis Reynolds: [Mac and Dennis start laughing hysterically] Screw you.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Dances Their Asses Off (#3.15)" (2007)
Frank Reynolds: Employee evaluation. This bar is a business, and we're gonna start acting like one.
Mac: Yeah, well, I DON'T want to start acting like a business, 'cause that sounds boring as shit.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, and this thing's, like, ten pages long, so you know what? I'm not gonna read it.
Frank Reynolds: Well, then, that's gonna affect your rank!
Dennis Reynolds: Rank?
Frank Reynolds: I put us all in a ranking system so you'd all care about your jobs.
Dennis Reynolds: Are we ranked now?
Frank Reynolds: Yes, you are.
Dennis Reynolds: Where am I ranked?
Frank Reynolds: Second, after me.
Mac: Wait, what about me?
Frank Reynolds: You're third.
Mac: WHAT? Why am I third?
Frank Reynolds: Too volatile.

[about the dance 'contest']
Dee Reynolds: Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie Kelly: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee Reynolds: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank Reynolds: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie Kelly: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Dee Reynolds: [about the dance 'contest'] Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie Kelly: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee Reynolds: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank Reynolds: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie Kelly: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Mac: [sees Frank and company grilling outside] What the hell is going on out here?
Frank Reynolds: We're makin' brownies...
Matthew 'Rickety Cricket' Mara: The drug-filled kind.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life (#4.9)" (2008)
['70s music ringtone plays]
Frank Reynolds: Hello?
Dennis Reynolds: Frank, you gotta get me outta here, man!
Frank Reynolds: Where are you?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm in rehab, goddammit!
Frank Reynolds: Well, I'm in a movie and this broad is about to get naked, so I gotta go.

Frank Reynolds: I brought a nail gun.
Dennis Reynolds: Is that what that is? You're not gonna shoot nails in me!
Mac: No, I think a couple of severe burns from the cigar is what's gonna do the trick.
Frank Reynolds: No, no, no, you need deep wounds. This'll give you deep wounds.

Philadelphia Soul Executive: So Mr. Reynolds, you're interested in buying our arena football team.
Frank Reynolds: Big time! But I wanna do business with Mr. Von Joni himself.
Philadelphia Soul Executive: Bon Jovi.
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, Mr. Bovine Joni himself. I'm offering $40 million for the team.
Philadelphia Soul Executive: Wow, well that is a very generous offer but, uh, I must admit I'm a little confused about one thing.
Frank Reynolds: What's confusing about $40 million? That's a shitload of money.
Philadelphia Soul Executive: It is, it is. I'm a little confused as to why you've chosen to involve this gentleman here.
Mac: [in a wheelchair wearing a bald cap] Well, if I may, I'd like to explain to you why I'm here. Uh, ma'am, I am dying of very terminal cancer and I would like to request a private bedside concert from Mr. Bon Jovi. Now Sambora's presence is not necessary but it would be nice if he was involved. Question, is this a laser pointer?
Philadelphia Soul Executive: Yes.
Mac: Can I have it?
Philadelphia Soul Executive: No.
Mac: I'm gonna take it anyway.

Frank Reynolds: You better not lose your hair 'cause you're an ugly bald man.
Mac: Not as ugly as you, bitch!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties (#7.3)" (2011)
Frank Reynolds: [overheard by children and their parents on a mic system] I got a question about you morticians. You bang the dead bodies? I imagine stuff like that goes on all the time. I mean, I don't give a shit. If I was dead you could bang me all you want. I mean, who cares? A dead body is like a piece of trash. I mean, shove as much shit in there as you want. Fill me up with cream, make a stew out of my ass. What's the big deal? Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river. Who gives a shit? You're dead, you're dead! Oh shit! Is my mic on?

Frank Reynolds: [introducing himself to a group of parents who have gathered at Paddy's Pub to enter their children in a pageant] I know some of you may have heard about that other guy... I am not gonna diddle your kids. I'm not like that; that's not my thing. I met that guy in a titty bar!

Frank Reynolds: We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids! "Do not diddle kids, it's no good diddling kids."
Mac: There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids than by writing a song about it!

Mort: Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry.
Frank Reynolds: Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.
[Mac and Charlie raise their hands]
Dennis Reynolds: Okay...
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?
Dee Reynolds: [raises hand] I have a...
Charlie Kelly: Who's that?
Frank Reynolds: He's the mortician. I invited him.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass (#2.9)" (2006)
Mac: Well, then, what would you say?
Dennis Reynolds: She's a quitter.
Dee Reynolds: You know what, I don't even care! I don't care.
Dennis Reynolds: And that proves my point. Because you don't care, you never succeed.
Mac: Right. Failed.
Dennis Reynolds: Failure implies that she actually *tried* to be an actor.
Dee Reynolds: Okay, I did try, it just didn't happen to work out.
Frank Reynolds: It's not your fault, sweetie. You're just not pretty enough.
Dee Reynolds: Wow, thank you! That's my dad, everybody.

Dennis Reynolds: If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.
Charlie Kelly: I *work* in this bar. I work here.
Dennis Reynolds: But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here, okay? Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom, they strip it away from smokers
Frank Reynolds: Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
Dee Reynolds: You went to Vietnam in *1993* to open up a sweatshop!
Frank Reynolds: And a lot of good men died in that sweatshop.

Dennis Reynolds: If Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
Charlie Kelly: You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution, man.
Mac: Uh, he knows more than you two un-American freedom haters.
Dennis Reynolds: Thank you.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Eww, we hate it.
Dennis Reynolds: You hate it.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, *I'm* un-American?
Frank Reynolds: You're practically a Viet Cong.

Frank Reynolds: Do we have any sharp knives?
Mac: What?
Dennis Reynolds: What?
Frank Reynolds: These guys are maniacs! They want to start betting fingers.
Dennis Reynolds: Fingers!
Mac: What are you talking about?
Frank Reynolds: If Alan loses this hand, he's gonna start chopping off his fingers. I've never seen anything like it in my life!
Mac: Okay, this has gone way too far.
Dennis Reynolds: This is getting ridiculous. Dad, your friends have got to go!
Frank Reynolds: Bullshit!
Mac: You are *killing* our freedom, man!
Frank Reynolds: This is what freedom's all about. I'm living on the edge!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank's Back in Business (#8.7)" (2012)
Dennis Reynolds: Charlie can't read.
Frank Reynolds: He'll adapt.
Dennis Reynolds: He'll adapt to reading?

Frank Reynolds: I want this sushi dinner to be the tits.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, okay, so you want it to be, like, really expensive.
Frank Reynolds: No, I wanna eat sushi off of some Jap broad's tits!

Frank Reynolds: Charlie, I want a list of the top ten shareholders of the company ASAP, and call the press. Put out a press release. Tell them The Warthog is back in business. Also, there are too many minorities and women working here. What's up with that?

Charlie Kelly: What does Atwater make?
Frank Reynolds: What do you mean, like, how much money does the company make?
Charlie Kelly: Oh, no, I mean *what* do we make?
Frank Reynolds: I don't follow. We make money.
Charlie Kelly: No, I know we make money. I mean, what do we create?
Frank Reynolds: We create wealth.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Gets Crippled (#2.1)" (2006)
Dennis Reynolds: You don't snoop and sneak and appear from behind cars!
Frank Reynolds: I'm sorry, I had something important to tell you guys.
Dennis Reynolds: We just ran over our friend with a car, what could be more important than that?
Frank Reynolds: Try this on for size... You're mother's dead.
Dee Reynolds: ...What?... Oh, no...
Frank Reynolds: ...No, she's not dead. We're getting divorced though.

Frank Reynolds: I wanna live like you again, Charlie. I wanna be pathetic and desperate and ugly and hopless.
Charlie Kelly: Okay. I'm not ugly.

Dennis Reynolds: What did you say about the money?
Frank Reynolds: I'm giving it all away.
Dee Reynolds: That is a very stupid thing to do.
Dennis Reynolds: You're a very stupid, stupid man.

Frank Reynolds: Dennis, you're mother is a dirty, dirty whore.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac Is a Serial Killer (#3.10)" (2007)
Frank Reynolds: I'm going to go oil my chainsaw.
Dee Reynolds: What?
Dennis Reynolds: Frank, we don't need the chainsaw. Is that what's in that bag?
Frank Reynolds: Oh, we do... because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance... a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.
Dennis Reynolds: He makes less and less sense as the days go by.
Dee Reynolds: I don't get it... at all.

Dennis Reynolds: [the gang talks about the city's serial killer as Mac suddenly walks into the bar] This guy got laid last night!
Mac: [nervously] No, I didn't!
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you did. You didn't come last night.
Mac: Yes, I did!
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, those are the same clothes you were wearing yesterday.
Mac: No, they aren't. They're different clothes.
Dennis Reynolds: Hey, what's with those scratches on your neck?
Mac: Scratches? What scratches? I've... I've gotta take a piss. Stop asking me questions.
[runs into the bathroom]
Dee Reynolds: Well, that was weird.
Charlie Kelly: I wonder what got into him.
Frank Reynolds: Serial killin'!

Charlie Kelly: Hey Frank, what guy hasn't done some extensive research on his own genitalia? Don't say you, buddy, 'cause I woke up to you doing some pretty frantic research last night, pal!
Frank Reynolds: We can go tit for tat on that one, so you better drop that subject!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Exploits a Miracle (#2.7)" (2006)
Frank Reynolds: [after a water stain that resembles the Virgin Mary is found in the back room, and the gang is arguing about if it's a miracle] Alright! Listen! It could be a miracle... or it could be bullshit! But we know one thing's for sure...
Charlie Kelly: What's that?
Frank Reynolds: It's a goddamn gold-mine!

Frank Reynolds: What, you put the moves on him?
Dee Reynolds: First of all, gross, I don't think you're supposed to whore out your kids. Second of all, that guy is a really good person and I've treated him like shit for his whole life. For once I'm going to do the right thing.
Frank Reynolds: He thinks you're too old, huh?
Dee Reynolds: God Damn it. Why do I speak to you? Ever?

Frank Reynolds: Could be a miracle or could be bullshit? All I know is, it's a Goddamn goldmine!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare (#2.3)" (2006)
Frank Reynolds: Well, if we're gonna do something like this, we gotta make sure we don't abuse anybody.
Charlie Kelly: No, I mean I know what it's like to grow up poor. You know, we gotta treat people with respect.
Mac: Respect is the name of the game. Respect is number one!
Charlie Kelly: It's the name of almost every game.
Mac: Absolutely because we understand the plight of the worker.
Charlie Kelly: Plight...
Mac: Respect.
Charlie Kelly: Respect the plight. What d'ya think, Frank?
Frank Reynolds: I'm good, go get us some slaves.

Charlie Kelly: Alright. So what's the vig?
Frank Reynolds: What?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, man. What's the vig on this action?
Frank Reynolds: Do you even know what VIG means?

Frank Reynolds: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls stealing my money. This shows leadership. I am promoting you to management.
Charlie Kelly: That's why I did it. That is why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank Reynolds: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Dee Reynolds: How come Charlie...? Not fair... How come Charlie...?
Dennis Reynolds: Why would you do this to us, Dad?
Frank Reynolds: Because you are crackheads, children.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Great Recession (#5.3)" (2009)
Dennis Reynolds: [Frank is hanging by a noose] Whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dee Reynolds: Oh, Frank's trying to kill himself.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, my God. Is he all right? Frank, are you all right?
Frank Reynolds: Don't try to stop me.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, my God.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, so he's alive.
Frank Reynolds: I lost all my money in a Ponzi scheme, Charlie. I'm broke!
Dee Reynolds: His neck is so thick, I feel like he's just gonna swing and dangle around for a really long time.

Frank Reynolds: All right, now pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken and you're gonna cook it tonight and make a tasty dinner that's gonna smell all through the house like cooked chicken.
Beth: Actually, I'm vegan.
Frank Reynolds: Okay, then pretend this shoe is whatever you people eat. Maybe it *is* a shoe.
Dee Reynolds: Nice one.

Frank Reynolds: You're very lucky that you're with somebody as resilient as Frank Reynolds.
Dee Reynolds: You've tried to off yourself two times in the last 24 hours, Frank!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest (#4.3)" (2008)
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, you better have a good reason for getting us outta bed this early, jerk.
Frank Reynolds: I got a goddamn great reason for gettin' you out of bed. This bar is hemorrhaging money!
Charlie Kelly: You gotta spend money to make money. Economics 101, dude.
Frank Reynolds: You're bleeding us to death! Especially with that company credit card you got.
Mac: Uh, that is for business expenses, Frank. Everything on there is a business expense.
Frank Reynolds: Who spent $500 for laser hair removal?
Dennis Reynolds: Right over here, Slick. Don't wanna have hair down there, know what I'm sayin'?
Frank Reynolds: Who spent $5,000 for a samurai sword?
Mac: [raises hand] Your head of security.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, just wait till he saves your life one day with it.
Frank Reynolds: $6,000 on a camcorder!
Dee Reynolds: Well, I've decided what I'm gonna do is I'm going to take all those hilarious characters that I've been creating over the past several years. I'm gonna put 'em on tape, I'm gonna put 'em on YouTube. That way I can get discovered by like a casting director or a producer. I get some kind of a TV development deal.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, right, so the point is, Frank, is that these are all business expenses. I mean, some are definitely more realistic than others...
Charlie Kelly: [points to Dee] Yeah, not that one.
Dennis Reynolds: No, not at all, but nonetheless I believe bought as a business expense.
Frank Reynolds: They're not business expenses! What *I* bought is a business expense. What I bought is somethin' that's gonna save our asses!
Dennis Reynolds: [mockingly] Okay. Yeah, all right.
Charlie Kelly: All right, what d'ya get?
Frank Reynolds: I bought a billboard!
[cue title: "America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest"]

Dennis Reynolds: What the hell, bro, is this supposed to be dirt? It smells like shit!
Frank Reynolds: It *is* shit!

Frank Reynolds: I know what the billboard is gonna look like already: two gorgeous girls up there, giant cans, me in the middle with my thumbs up.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, that's just simply not gonna happen.
Mac: Actually, maybe Frank has a point, dude. Maybe we should put a dude up there. Certainly not him, but if we put some hot beefcake up there maybe it'll attract more chicks.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, that's a good point. Okay, I like that. You know what, let's slap my picture up there. It's about time I got my modeling career off the ground anyway.
Frank Reynolds: [laughing] Don't flatter yourself. You're not gonna be up there, because I am gonna be the face of Paddy's bar!
Dennis Reynolds: That's ridiculous, Frank. You're, um... ugly.
Frank Reynolds: What?
Dennis Reynolds: Ugly!
Frank Reynolds: I'm ugly? With that anteater nose you're telling me I'm ugly?
Dennis Reynolds: My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank. My body was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David. You on the other hand, well... you're a pit of despair. Frank, you disgust me. You disgust everyone. And you will never, *ever* be on that billboard.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead (#3.3)" (2007)
Bruce Mathis: We were in Uganda doing a lot of work with the AIDS crisis there and...
Frank Reynolds: AIDS? You touch anybody?
Bruce Mathis: Well, sure.
Frank Reynolds: Hey, man! What kind of shit is that? You just hugged me! Why would you do that?
Dee Reynolds: Seamus is joking. He's got a - He's got a very dry sense of humor.
Frank Reynolds: I'm not joking! That shit is serious! I gotta take a shower now!

Frank Reynolds: I got a plan to get back at your mother!
Dee Reynolds: Too late, I'm already full throttle over here. I'm going to dig up her body in the middle of the night and snatch back that jewelry.
Frank Reynolds: That's insane!
Dee Reynolds: Frank, that woman is buried down there like Mr. T! I got to get to that body while the earth is still loose.

Dee Reynolds: [about Barbara's will] Does it say anything about jewelry?
The Attorney: It does say something about the jewelry in here in that, um, she wants to be buried in it.
Dee Reynolds: Goddammit! Oh, goddammit!
Frank Reynolds: Ohhh! She's taking it into the grave!
Dee Reynolds: I'll tell you what, you son of a bitch. I am very disappointed in you today, *very* upset with you! You tell her from me that I will be in touch with her somehow!
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Hits the Road (#5.2)" (2009)
Dennis Reynolds: [after putting a beer bottle under the back of the moving truck door] Now, the weight of the door will keep the beer bottle in place.
Frank Reynolds: Good.
Dennis Reynolds: Nice, huh?
Frank Reynolds: Move over a little bit, let me sit on the cooler.
Frank Reynolds: [the truck hits a bump, causing the beer bottle to come off] Goddammit!

Frank Reynolds: [Playing a drinking game to name all fifty states with Mac and Dee] Jesus Christ! You guys are gonna be hammered by the time I finish naming the east coast!

Frank Reynolds: Shit balls!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore (#7.2)" (2011)
Mac: Whoa! What's that? You were supposed to get booze.
Frank Reynolds: Oh, this is ham soaked in rum. It is loaded with booze.
Mac: Goddammit, Frank, eating your drinks? That is genius!
Frank Reynolds: Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes, getting ripshit on ham.
Mac: Might you say we're getting "hammered"?

Charlie Kelly: Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie Kelly: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank Reynolds: Europe.
Charlie Kelly: Now how long would it take...
Dennis Reynolds: Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie Kelly: *Don't* swim to Europe...
Frank Reynolds: Do not.

Frank Reynolds: Ah! Rum ham! Rum ham! Oh, rum ham!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac and Dennis Break Up (#5.9)" (2009)
Frank Reynolds: Look, I gotta take a walk, my head is swimming.
Mac: That's fine. Just make sure you, you know, check in 'cause I haven't heard from Charlie and it is getting late.
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, right.

Frank Reynolds: What's the situation?
Charlie Kelly: I got two cats stuck inside this wall, can't get 'em out.
Frank Reynolds: Wanna bring in a third?
Charlie Kelly: I'm thinkin' maybe four.

Mac: Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie Kelly: I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank Reynolds: Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Analyzed (#8.5)" (2012)
Frank Reynolds: [recalling his days in an institution, crying] It was terrible. But not her. She was an angel. Always smiling. That's because she had no lips, but her mouth was still very much in play.

Frank Reynolds: With a plastic bag for a helmet!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Hundred Dollar Baby (#2.5)" (2006)
Dee Reynolds: [seeing Frank load up a lot of weight onto a bar] Uh, that looks really heavy.
Frank Reynolds: Look, this is not gonna be a half-assed workout. We gotta really get into it. It's gonna hurt.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, but I can't lift that.
Frank Reynolds: Just position yourself under the bar and listen to me. Alright, here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna take all the weight on your neck. Then, you're gonna jam your legs down and hyperextend your ankles and then shoot back up and lock your knees in place.
Dee Reynolds: None of of those things sound right to me... at all.
Frank Reynolds: Look. You wanna fight like a man? You gotta train like a man.

Bobby Thunderstorm: Hey, now we're talking here. She's a killer!
Dee Reynolds: You're goddamn right I'm a killer.
Brianna: You look like a holocaust victim in pageant makeup.
Dee Reynolds: I will eat your babies, bitch!
Brianna: Bring it!
Frank Reynolds: Nobody's eating anybody's babies.
Bobby Thunderstorm: Hey, you looking to spur, little girl?
Frank Reynolds: No, no. No fight. She's not ready.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, I'm ready.
Frank Reynolds: No, no, you're not ready.
Dee Reynolds: I'm ready! Let me eat her babies!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Chardee MacDennis 2: Electric Boogaloo (#11.1)" (2016)
Dennis Reynolds: Name a Philadelphia celebrity you would like to have a drink with.
Dee Reynolds: Bill Cosby.
Frank Reynolds: The cards are a little outdated.

Frank Reynolds: Well, you see when I was a kid, games were much more violent. We used to play purple nurple, sock full of quarters, kick the Jew.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Sells Out (#3.7)" (2007)
Mac: No, no, no! Gangsters don't sing!
Frank Reynolds: What are you talking about? You ever hear of gangsta rap?

Frank Reynolds: You don't look like a gay guy.
Dennis Reynolds: That's because he's a bear.
Mac: What?
Dennis Reynolds: He's a bear. You see, some gay guys are twinks and other are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way, we are totally cool with that. To each his own.
Frank Reynolds: Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?
Dennis Reynolds: A twink is small and slender, like Mac.
Mac: Oh, no, I'm too muscular. I would be a bear.
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, don't think so, bro. Not hairy enough.
Frank Reynolds: Smooth. Now, I would be a bear.
Dennis Reynolds: No, no. See, I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact, I don't know what you'd be. You're definitely not a twink.
Frank Reynolds: I'd be a top, that's for sure.
Mac: Can a twink be a top or is that reserved for bears?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth but I think more often then not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power bottoms.
Frank Reynolds: What's a power bottom?
Mac: A power bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.
Dennis Reynolds: Actually Mac, you've got it backwards. You see, the power bottom is actually generating the power by doing most of the work.
Frank Reynolds: Does power have to do with size or strength of the bottom?
Mac: Now Dennis, I heard speed has something to do with it.
Dennis Reynolds: Speed has *everything* to do with it. You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty Magoo (#3.5)" (2007)
Mac: I've never spray painted a chair before, okay? Why are you covering your mouth?
Frank Reynolds: Because that lead paint is *extremely* toxic.
Mac: What! Is that why I'm feeling so dizzy?

Dennis Reynolds: Everyone gather 'round. I have an announcement to make.
Frank Reynolds: Dennis has an announcement?
[to Mac]
Frank Reynolds: Go, now's your chance. Rant and rave.
Mac: [shouting] Gather 'round, everybody! Gather 'round, please!
Dee Reynolds: We're all standing here.
Frank Reynolds: Is this everybody?
Mac: Is this everybody?
Dee Reynolds: You know it's everybody. What are you doing?
Mac: Dennis has an announcement.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, I-I-I heard that. I'm wondering what it is.
Mac: It's an announcement!
Charlie Kelly: What's up, Dennis?
Dennis Reynolds: I have an announcement.
Dee Reynolds: OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS IT?

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac & Charlie Die: Part 1 (#4.5)" (2008)
Frank Reynolds: Dennis, if I was looking for safe, I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall!

Dee Reynolds: Are you buying this? That is ridiculous. Dennis, they left us a list of demands!
Frank Reynolds: What're you talking about? That's their last will and testament. That is not demands!
Dee Reynolds: It says at the top "List of Demands"!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Dines Out (#8.9)" (2012)
Frank Reynolds: I know you're not as dumb as you seem.
Charlie Kelly: Well, let's just say that I am.

Frank Reynolds: Take that for yourself.
[rubs a $10 bill on her chest]
Hostess: Uh... oh, okay... You can just hand that to me.
Frank Reynolds: I was trying to feel your breast.
Hostess: I got that.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Invincible (#3.2)" (2007)
Artemis: He's been trying to climb through that garbage can for 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's on acid.
Frank Reynolds: Thank God you guys are here. How'd you get in here?
Dennis Reynolds: What are you talking about?
Frank Reynolds: I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours.
Artemis: I think he pooped in there.

Frank Reynolds: I'm gonna trip balls.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac's Mom Burns Her House Down (#6.6)" (2010)
Dennis Reynolds: She doesn't need you here. You need to thrust her into a hostile environment so that she needs you to protect her.
Frank Reynolds: I should dump her under the bridge!

Frank Reynolds: Dennis, listen, we should hang out more together!
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, stop trying to bond with me.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Being Frank (#11.6)" (2016)
Frank Reynolds: Nice nips, cupcake.

Frank Reynolds: I'm gonna die looking at you, you sack of s**t.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Held Hostage (#3.4)" (2007)
Frank Reynolds: There's broken glass everywhere.
Mac: Broken glass? Oh, my God, I think you found Charlie's bad room.
Frank Reynolds: What the hell is that?
Mac: It's where Charlie goes to think and break bottles. Dude, you gotta get out of there. He's going to find you.

Frank Reynolds: When we get out of this, I'm gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and fast... Not in the sexual way! In the 'I am pissed off' sort of way.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Broke Dee (#9.1)" (2013)
Mac: Okay, Dee, this is truly pathetic, and you are really bringing us down, so we're gonna help you out.
Frank Reynolds: We realize we may be in some ways responsible for the state you're in.
Mac: Mm, let's not...

Dee Reynolds: [performing on stage] So I finally broke down and I took a shower the other day. The stink flipped around and now my soap smells like dirty vag.
[audience laughter]
Mac: She said "vagina." A woman said "vagina."
Frank Reynolds: That's what makes it funny!
Dennis Reynolds: Tasteless.
Dee Reynolds: [robot voice] Vagina, vagina. Vagina, vagina.
[makes fart noises]
Dennis Reynolds: And the sound effects out of absolutely nowhere, no setup.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Who Pooped the Bed? (#4.7)" (2008)
Frank Reynolds: Because poop is funny!

College Student: [dissecting poop] Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.
Dennis Reynolds: Alright, well now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?
Charlie Kelly: It's gonna go both ways dude, sorry.
Dennis Reynolds: Really?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, what else? What else?
College Student: This appears to be a piece of a credit card.
Frank Reynolds: Inconclusive.
Dennis Reynolds: How is that not specific to one of you?
Charlie Kelly: I wish it was man, but that's inconclusive.
College Student: Oh boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool. Whoever's it is should see a doctor.
Charlie Kelly: Well, don't give us judgements, just tell us what's in there. What's in there, what else?
College Student: Is this wolf hair?
Frank Reynolds: Also inconclusive.
Dennis Reynolds: Jesus Christ!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Squashes Their Beefs (#9.10)" (2013)
Frank Reynolds: I may have started a money fire.

Dennis Reynolds: Once the guests arrive, we will ply them with liquor, and then I will present to them this peace treaty that I will have them sign.
Frank Reynolds: Why you always want people to sign creepy documents?
Dennis Reynolds: [laughs] Well, Frank, once something's in writing, that means it's set in stone. Then no one can do anything to stop me.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Goes on Family Fight (#10.8)" (2015)
Grant Anderson: Name something that people are afraid of.
Frank Reynolds: [clears throat] We're gonna go with...
Mac: Wait, wait, wait, Frank. You have to say it in the form of a question.
Frank Reynolds: What is...?
Grant Anderson: No, you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't have to do that 'cause it's not Jeopardy. All right?
Mac: Ah, it's not Jeopardy. Say "show me," Frank.
Grant Anderson: Don't say "show me," Frank. Just say the word. Just say the word.
Frank Reynolds: Show me clowns!

Mac: Okay, I'm afraid of game show rules.
Dee Reynolds: You guys, I know what it is. It's failure.
Dennis Reynolds: That's too pathetic.
Frank Reynolds: Liberal yahoos taking my guns.
Dennis Reynolds: That-that is a political firestorm, Frank. No!
Charlie Kelly: Oh, oh! The Nightman.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom (#2.4)" (2006)
Frank Reynolds: It's just maybe - I think you're too old for me.
Angie Spinola: Frank, I'm two years younger than you.
Frank Reynolds: That's what I'm talking about.

Frank Reynolds: Remember the time we robbed a motorcycle an ran it into the river? Oh, you must be doing shit like that now, huh? Come on.
Angie Spinola: Well, I've slowed down quite a bit once I met my husband, Carl.
Frank Reynolds: Oh... you said you weren't married.
Angie Spinola: Oh, I'm not. Carl passed a few years ago.
Frank Reynolds: Oh...
Angie Spinola: Once I met him and had kids, I pretty much stayed at home. Carl had two children from a previous marriage and then we had five of our own.
Frank Reynolds: Oh, shit!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gives Back (#2.6)" (2006)
Frank Reynolds: Hey, what's the action?
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, Jesus Christ! Are you gonna keep saying that? Is that like your catch phrase now?

Frank Reynolds: Asians love gambling.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Goes Jihad (#2.2)" (2006)
Mrs. Reynolds: Jesus Christ, Frank. This place is a shit hole! Is this how you've been living?
Frank Reynolds: We make it work. What do you want?
Mrs. Reynolds: I want to talk.
Frank Reynolds: I tried to talk to you weeks ago. You went on vacation.
Mrs. Reynolds: I was trying to scare some sense into you. You were talking about giving away all of our money.
Frank Reynolds: My money. I made it, you spent it.
Charlie Kelly: Burn. There you go, buddy.
[Charlie and Frank hi-five]
Mrs. Reynolds: How can you say that to me? After everything I've done for you. While you were out making money, who do you think was at home cooking and cleaning and raising your children?
Frank Reynolds: A series of Mexican women?
Charlie Kelly: A series... unbelievable, dude. You're on fire.
[they hi-five again]
Mrs. Reynolds: You can choose to live like an animal if you want to, but I refuse to be subjected to it. I want my shit back. You took my shit from our home and I want it back.
Frank Reynolds: Well, I didn't take anything.
Mrs. Reynolds: It's empty. Someone came in and took everything.
Frank Reynolds: Maybe you should have somebody deported like you used to in the old days.
Charlie Kelly: Beautiful.
[Charlie hi-fives Frank and is then slapped in the face by Barbara]
Mrs. Reynolds: I can't even talk to you anymore. Standing up for yourself. Standing up for immigrants! I don't know what you're turning into Frank, but it's making me sick!

Frank Reynolds: Dennis, let your sister be part of the gang.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person (#3.9)" (2007)
Mac: [referring to band] You're not in it.
Dennis Reynolds: Why am I not in it? I have a great voice.
Mac: You do have a great voice. You know what man, you have an excellent voice. The problem is that you're like into all of that early eighties glam rock fem shit and that's not the artistic direction that I want to take the band in.
Dennis Reynolds: Artistic direction? You guys don't even play instruments.
Mac: Well that doesn't matter, does it? Because it's all about rocking and looking good and kicking ass.
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, he's right. It's all about image and marketing. I mean, there are no band out there with any musical ability.
Mac: Frank, I like the way you think. You're in the band!

Frank Reynolds: You look like a drag queen.
Dennis Reynolds: I look like a rock god.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Reignites the Rivalry (#5.12)" (2009)
Charlie Kelly: [after informing a rival bar that the gang poisoned them 10 year ago to win a flip cup tournament] Check it out... Who's to say we didn't put that very same poison in the drinking water?
Mac: [customers begin spitting out water] Everybody relax. He's lying. He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie Kelly: No, I don't have any on me. But, I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank Reynolds: There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles.
Frank Reynolds: What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie Kelly: Well, that's mayonnaise. That's a decoy.
Frank Reynolds: And the mayo?
Charlie Kelly: That's shampoo.
Frank Reynolds: You're telling me I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie Kelly: If you're using the mayonnaise, yeah... probably.

Dennis Reynolds: These kids these days, I'll tell you what. They are nothing like we used to be back when we were in fraternities. They have no respect for anybody, okay? They're like stupid little goddamn savages.
Frank Reynolds: They're bitches, they're bitches! They're little bitches!
Dennis Reynolds: I came in there, right? And I was polite, and I was nice to them. I was cordial. And they completely goddamn disrespected me! Little idiots! Idiots! I was completely respectful. They're supposed to be my brothers, right? They're my brothers? No, no, that's lot fun. What they were doing wasn't fun. They kept zapping us and zapping us. Idiots! Savages! Idiots! Idiots!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Nightman Cometh (#4.13)" (2008)
Frank Reynolds: [singing] You got to pay the troll toll if you want to get into this boy's hole!

Mac: I've changed my mind, I'm playing the Nightman!
Dennis Reynolds: Why would you wanna play the Nightman?
Mac: The Nightman's badass, dude. He has the eyes of a cat and does karate across the stage.
Charlie Kelly: Where are you getting that from? Karate?
Mac: I made that up, man. It's gonna be great.
Dennis Reynolds: This is great. That frees up the Lead Boy role and the Dayman role. I can play both those.
Charlie Kelly: No, I don't want you guys switching roles. That's not how it works.
Mac: Hey Frank, you got a guy that does cat eyes?
Frank Reynolds: [on phone] I'm already on it.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire (#3.8)" (2007)
Mac: [in a retirement home] These places are like prisons.
Frank Reynolds: Like people getting ass raped?
Charlie Kelly: What? Oh, my God, dude. No one's getting ass raped, Frank. Come on, man.
Mac: No, it's just that people don't wanna be here, because they feel like...
Frank Reynolds: Because they're getting ass raped!

Frank Reynolds: I'm going with you guys because I am bored as shit.
Dee Reynolds: That's not a good idea because when you get involved people usually get hurt.
Frank Reynolds: I'm just hanging out with the guys. How's anyone gonna get hurt?
[cue title card: "Frank Sets Sweet Dee On Fire"]

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack (#4.10)" (2008)
Dee Reynolds: What the shit is this?
Charlie Kelly: Uh, Cheech over here bought himself a bong.
Frank Reynolds: [taking a massive bong rip] Holy shit Deandra, this is wacky. I want you to go download me a hoagie off the internet.
Dee Reynolds: I'm sorry? Those words don't make any s- sense... Oh God, you guys... Oh, weird, I feel weird.
Mac: Rip another one, bro.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, say something else stupid too.
Dee Reynolds: My arm's kinda numb. Dennis, can you feel my head? Is it hot, am I hot?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not touching you.
Dee Reynolds: I'm serious you guys, something's not right. I...
Frank Reynolds: You think there's bitches in the bar?
Mac: What?
Frank Reynolds: Bitches in the bar.
Dee Reynolds: I feel like... I'm being really serious you guys, I need some help...
Dennis Reynolds: Uh God, what is her problem?
Charlie Kelly: I don't know.
[cue title "Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack"]

Charlie Kelly: [Frank is downing a bunch of pills with beer] What are you doing?
Frank Reynolds: I'm taking 'em because I can't sift through the duds. I gotta take 'em all because I gotta get healthy really fast.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis Gets Divorced (#6.2)" (2010)
Charlie Kelly: Whoa, I bring nothing to the table? Oh, really? You ever stop for one second to think about hey, where did all the groceries come from, Frank? Oh, how did my laundry get so clean? Oh, oh, who washed all the dishes today?
Frank Reynolds: Nobody washes the dishes! We eat the food directly off the coffee table, and you know it!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Goes to Hell (#11.9)" (2016)
Charlie Kelly: I thought you said they didn't have alcohol. Look, they got screwdrivers.
Frank Reynolds: Oh, no, Charlie, that's just orange juice.
Charlie Kelly: Orange juice, like the mixer?

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Misses the Boat (#10.6)" (2015)
Frank Reynolds: You got to get a ferret down in the basement, because Charlie says ferrets scare the shit out of rats.
Jason: What are you talking about? What is... what is... who... who is Charlie?
Frank Reynolds: You're Charlie. No, you're too tall. By any chance, do you have homosexual tendencies?
[to Kelly]
Frank Reynolds: You... you could be Dee, but you're smaller. You got a better body, I think.
[to David]
Frank Reynolds: You, I don't know... I don't know who the hell you are, 'cause we didn't have a black.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The High School Reunion Part 2: The Gang's Revenge (#7.13)" (2011)
Frank Reynolds: No! We can't go out like that. Look, if life pushes you down you gotta push back! If you've been dealt a bunch of lemons, you've got to take those lemons and push them down someones throat until they see yellow! And if some punk ass kid humiliates you, you've got to do the only thing thats left to do!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis (#4.2)" (2008)
Frank Reynolds: What do you see?
Dee Reynolds: I can't see shit! Why did you tint the inside of the windows?

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie and Dee Find Love (#8.4)" (2012)
Dennis Reynolds: [pops off shirt] What do you think about this?
Ruby Taft: About what?
Dennis Reynolds: What I'm presenting you.
Ruby Taft: I think you look really pale. Do you need some sunscreen?
Dennis Reynolds: It's the first in the season. I haven't had a chance to get a base going, you know...?
Frank Reynolds: Dennis? Dennis?
Dennis Reynolds: What do you think of the pecs? What do you think of...?
Frank Reynolds: Dennis!
Dennis Reynolds: [goes to Frank] What?
Frank Reynolds: I thought you said you weren't gonna hit on her.
Dennis Reynolds: Am I hitting on her?

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Trapped (#7.9)" (2011)
Frank Reynolds: Deandra, your breath is dogshit.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award (#9.3)" (2013)
Mac: This office sucks.
Dee Reynolds: It smells bad and it's stuffy in here.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, it's the Restaurant and Bar Association; it's a stuffy organization. They're not in touch with the young people like us.
Dee Reynolds: Some old boner gives me attitude, I'm gonna spit in his face.
Dennis Reynolds: If he starts giving me shit, I'll spit at him.
Mac: We should all spit.
Frank Reynolds: Look, we're not spitting, all right?

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis (#5.1)" (2009)
Frank Reynolds: Well, look, bitch. We brought it from them because they foreclosed on your bitch ass!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation (#3.6)" (2007)
Dennis Reynolds: How do we know they're North Koreans?
Frank Reynolds: Because that's the bad Korea.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The World Series Defense (#5.6)" (2009)
Dennis Reynolds: [walks in on his friends preparing for the Phillies playing in the World Series] Hey guys what's up?
Dee Reynolds: How come you aren't wearing your colors?
Dennis Reynolds: Colors? What are you...? Oh, my God, is today the World Series? I totally forgot... Oh, wait a minute!
[takes off shirt to reveal "Go Phillies" written on his chest]
Dennis Reynolds: Sporting events are the one time it's socially acceptable to go shirtless in public and I plan to be blasting bare chest the whole time.
Frank Reynolds: You're gonna feel cold as shit up in those stands!
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not going to be feeling anything because I plan to be blasted on grain alcohol!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The High School Reunion (#7.12)" (2011)
Maureen Ponderosa: What do you think about this?
[shows off a diamond in her dead tooth]
Frank Reynolds: [in disgust] Ho! Ho! It wafted over here, the dead tooth... It's burning my nose. It stinks.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac & Charlie Die: Part 2 (#4.6)" (2008)
Dennis Reynolds: [at Mac and Charlie's funeral] Uh, what to say about Mac... Um... He certainly was... angry...
Frank Reynolds: Burn the duster!
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not burning the duster! Okay? I'm not burning the duster, alright? That's crazy. That's insane. Why would I ever burn... I mean, I will continue to wear it in his honor and I will burn some other things, you know, maybe like these stupid goddamn sleeveless t-shirts that he once retired and hung up in the bar, I'll burn these. But I'm not burning the duster, okay, so forget it. It probably won't even burn anyway, it's not supposed to. It's flame retardant, that's the whole point. It's like a shield of armor. So stop asking me to burn the duster. I'm not gonna burn it!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Buys a Boat (#6.3)" (2010)
Charlie Kelly: All right, toss me the keys!
Frank Reynolds: Here ya go.
[throws keys into the water]
Charlie Kelly: What the hell was that?
Frank Reynolds: That's the keys, I threw 'em right at ya!
Charlie Kelly: I asked you to toss 'em, you threw 'em overhand!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dee Reynolds: Shaping America's Youth (#6.9)" (2010)
Frank Reynolds: Look at that, James Earl Jones is doing a great black face!
Dennis Reynolds: James Earl Jones has a black face, he's a black man!
Frank Reynolds: He's not black, he was Darth Vader!
Mac: Darth Vader was black.
Frank Reynolds: No. Darth Vader was not black, they took the mask off, he was white!... Look, look, we gotta agree on this: the whole idea is getting the right color shoe polish.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens (#5.8)" (2009)
Frank Reynolds: Paddy's Pub Stress Ball! You give this to people, they put it on their desk, and during they day, you squeeze it when you have any tension!
Dennis Reynolds: Right.
[he squeezes it and it breaks]
Dennis Reynolds: Oh goddammit, Frank! That's just an egg!
Frank Reynolds: It's a jumping off point.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mac Day (#9.5)" (2013)
Charlie Kelly: Seven straight hours of lecturing?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, and five hours alone dedicated to the evils of homosexuality, from him?
Dee Reynolds: Did anyone else notice that he had an erection the entire time?
Charlie Kelly: Of course.
Frank Reynolds: How could you miss it?

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Recycles Their Trash (#8.2)" (2012)
Dee Reynolds: [in a yellow pantsuit] I am presenting myself as a powerful lady.
Frank Reynolds: You're presenting yourself as a banana.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas (#6.13)" (2009)
Frank Reynolds: Merry Christmas, bitches!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Quarantined (#9.7)" (2013)
Dennis Reynolds: [on phone] Yeah, all right, well, what was the name on the order?
Dennis Reynolds: Spider-Man. That's very clever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Frank Reynolds: Dennis, ask him how it's possible for him to talk to you through a cut phone wire.
Dennis Reynolds: How is it possible for you to talk to me through a cut ph...
Frank Reynolds: [holds up cord] I cut it when I found the pizza.
Charlie Kelly: Holy shit. Dennis is Spider-Man.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Wrestles for the Troops (#5.7)" (2009)
Frank Reynolds: I'm the Trash Man! I come out, I throw trash all over the- all over the ring! And then I start eatin' garbage! And then I pick up the trash can, and I bash the guy on the head.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City (#3.14)" (2007)
Frank Reynolds: How 'bout you put an egg in your shoe and beat it!

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats (#6.10)" (2010)
Dennis Reynolds: For one day, let's make the poor bastard feel special. For one day, let's make this lowly rat killer feel like a king.
Frank Reynolds: Yes.
Dennis Reynolds: In the simplest... easiest...
Dee Reynolds: Easiest way. I'm tired today, you know?

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender (#3.11)" (2007)
Frank Reynolds: Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman to... to cook for me, and clean up after me, and somebody that will do everything I say.
Charlie Kelly: Well, that's just a maid. You want a maid?
Frank Reynolds: Yeah, that's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby (#3.1)" (2007)
Frank Reynolds: What the hell is that?
Mac: It's a baby we found in the trash.
Frank Reynolds: Well, put it back. It doesn't belong to you.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Storm of the Century (#7.6)" (2011)
Frank Reynolds: It's the media, see? When it's white people, it's survival. And when it's black people, it's looting.
Dee Reynolds: No, Frank, it's because the white people are stealing bread and the black people are stealing speakers. If the white people were stealing stereo equipment, I would say they were looting too.
Frank Reynolds: How do you know the blacks don't have bread in those speakers?

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Who Got Dee Pregnant? (#6.7)" (2010)
Dennis Reynolds: You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.
Charlie Kelly: He eats theater people.
Dennis Reynolds: No, he doesn't.
Mac: I think he might.
Frank Reynolds: He does.
Dennis Reynolds: And I'm surprised you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is.
Mac: He might not.
Frank Reynolds: He doesn't.
Charlie Kelly: No, I don't. I don't.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Cracks the Liberty Bell (#4.11)" (2008)
Charlie Kelly: Why is the witch-slave shooting at you anyways?
Frank Reynolds: Maybe she used her sorcery.
Dee Reynolds: Sorcery? Your dumb-dick partner walked into the bar and said he'd stolen a bunch of guns and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. And of course I did, so here we are.
Frank Reynolds: Damn your necromancy, woman!