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: I've got a weird feeling Dawson. Dawson
: Wait until you eat the tuna tacos.
: Did you hear the news? About Screw. She was killed. Murdered. Gutted. Flayed. Sliced. Diced. Fried. And hung. Boner
: I'm never gonna get laid. Martina
: Oh, and it's all over the TV news. Boner
: Oh, great! Now everybody knows.
: Who cares about that crap? Doughy
: I do.
: Hey guys, I have an idea! Let's all make a pact to lose our virginity before graduation! Doughy
: I'm in! Barbara
: WE'RE NOT!
: Didn't your whole family get chopped up and fed to a fish farm? Dawson
: You know what we've gotta do? We've gotta get out of here! Boner
: To someplace safe. Martina
: Yeah, in the middle of nowhere. Slab
: In the dark woods and pouring rain. Dawson
: Without any adult supervision or police protection anywhere in the vicinity. Barbara
: I know just the place! It's been totally deserted ever since those dorky kids were dismembered. Boner
: Are you talking about band camp?
: All right, listen. There are certain rules that you have to follow in a parody situation if you want to survive. Rule number one: exaggerate everything. Number 88: accept the ridiculous as logical.
[flash to Boner getting down with a girl
: Sexual sight gags, always funny.
[Boner making sex noises while pulling out a splinter
: And along with wacky sound effects...
[Boner unzipping his pants with a "boing!" sound
: And unlimited absurdity.
[Killer frightens Boner into a heart attack with a chainsaw
: Remember: nothing is sacred.
[cross falls onto bed
: You're forgetting, point out the obvious.
[holds up a "dead man" sign pointing to Slab
: And finally, perpetually painful stereotypes. Pimp
: Dat's ridikkulous!
: Whereas Hardy enjoys a minuet, ballet ruse and crepes suzette. Hardy
: Doughy likes to rock n roll, a hot dog makes him lose control. Hagitha
: What a wild duet. Martina
: Still they're cousins. Dawson
: Identical cousins. Martina
: They laugh alike. Dawson
: They walk alike. Martina
: At times they even talk alike. Hagitha
: And you can lose your mind.
: I thought you were a lesbian. Martina
: A lesbian? Why? Dawson
: Hello! You play softball, you watch Ally McBeal... the WNBA! Martina
: No, Dawson, I'm not gay. Barbara's gay. Dawson
: Barbara? Martina
: Big Rosie fan. Dawson
: But you are a witch? Martina
: Oh yeah.
: A kid couldn't write that, at least not a kid in public school. Martina
: Unless he was Japanese. Boner
: But they aren't historically serial killers. Slab
: What about Godzilla. Boner
: Born in international waters.
: Do they know who did it? Martina
: Some guy in a ghost mask costume. Barbara
: That doesn't sound scary. Martina
: Store bought? Barbara
: Ahhh! That's scary!
: [Dawson and Martina hear a crash in the kitchen and rush in to find the cat next to a pile of overturned dishes
] Lamegag, you scared the crap out of us. Dawson
: [Lamegag meows
] What is it, boy? Dawson
: [Lamegag growls
] I'm sorry. What is it, girl? Dawson
] Slab's in trouble? Dawson
] Steroids? In the bathroom? Dawson
] Burt Reynolds wears a rug? O.J. was framed? Dawson
: [meow meow
] Khakis aren't cool anymore? Well, I have to disagree with you there.
: I read your diary, Ms. Boo-hoo-my-gym-teacher-molested-me! Barbara
: Dork! Doughy
: Dyke! Martina