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: You passed and I failed! You asshole! How could you do that to me? Dave
: It was an accident. I'll take it again. I can fail, I know I can.
: We just got lapped by an old lady in a walker.
: Reality is so unreal. Dave
: But it is a nice change. Chainsaw
: True. Two thumbs up.
: Can I call my folks and tell them I won't be coming home... ever?
: Would someone tell me what Mr. Shoop had planned for today? Chainsaw
: Group sex. No, that's tomorrow. Today is independent study, right after our mid-morning nap.
: Please take your seats. Chainsaw
: Where should we take 'em?
[Shoop is calling roll
: Francis Gremp? Chainsaw
: Don't ever call me that, the name's "Chainsaw". Shoop
: As in "Black and Decker"? Chainsaw
: As in "Texas Massacre".
: Where are my car keys? Chainsaw
: There somewhere in this room. Right now you're ice cold.
: Our next field trip has to be to the beach. Dave
: We have to see Annamaria in a bikini. It's very important.
: How do you spell "cat"? Chainsaw
: I don't know!
: How do you want your eggs? Fried, or scrambled? Chainsaw
: I don't know. What are eggs?
: Tension-breaker. Had to be done.
: Can anybody tell me why writing is important? Pam
: Because it's a form of communication. Shoop
: Very good, it can also get you free stuff. Kids
: Free? Shoop
: Free, I'm writing it down... here's how it works, we've all been ripped off, right? Pay phone steals your money... not enough cheese on your pizza... Chainsaw
: My shades keep falling apart! Shoop
: That's a perfect example. Now you're going to write that company a letter and you're going to see action, but only if the letter is well written and it threatens to hurt their business, and it's signed, excuse me Chainsaw, Francis Gremp, President: Consumer Against Faulty Eyewear. Chainsaw
: You want me to lie? Okay.
: This menstruation thing is a scam. Women are so lucky. Denise
: WHAT? Oh we're so lucky? You think having your period is a picnic in the park? First of all you're all PMSed out, and second you don't any room in your purse for your hairbrush because of all the damn mini pads. You are SO ignorant!
: [watching fireworks
] So pretty! Chainsaw
: Alright, enough of this safe and sane garbage, it's time for dumb and dangerous!
: Field trips to the beach, drinking on the beach, a bed in your classroom, a screening of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1... quite a summer, Mr. Shoop. Shoop
: I tried to keep it interesting. Phil Gills
: I have his dismissal ready for your signature, sir. Principal Kelban
: Before I sign anything, I understand there are some people waiting to speak on Mr. Shoop's behalf. Shoop
: Really? Principal Kelban
: Come in.
[opens the door to Shoop's students and their parents and guardians
] Phil Gills
: Mr. Kelban, you're not actually going to listen to these delinquents? Principal Kelban
: No, I'm going to listen to their parents. I'm Principal Kelban. Is there a spokesperson here? Mr. Gremp
: I guess I am. I'm Howard Gremp. Principal Kelban
: You're Chainsaw's father. Interesting boy. Mr. Gremp
: No, you can say it. He's a lunatic. Chainsaw
: Dad... Mr. Gremp
: Six weeks ago, I thought he had the IQ of a salad bar. His only interest in life was to make people sick. I my mother came to dinner, he would give the dog a third eye or an extra leg. Because of him, we stopped having kids. You can imagine the feeling when I saw him studying. The wife and I almost burst into tears. Mrs. Frazier
: David was doing his homework, too. Mr. Gremp
: It makes sense, they share the same brain. Mrs. Green
: Not only did Mr. Shoop get my daughter to read, he taught her to drive. Mr. Winchester
: He showed Kevin there's more to life than football. I'm not sure I agree, but it's possible.
: This man should not be teaching. The proof is right here in these test results. Look for yourself, Mr. Shoop. Passing is 70; average score here was 63. They failed. Shoop
: [looks at the results
] That is not true, Mr. Gills. Alan Eakian
: You mean we passed? Shoop
: No, not all of you, but that's not what's important here. Larry went from an 18 to a 51! Mrs. Kazimias
: If I'd only seen you strip a week sooner. Shoop
: Rhonda: from a 29 to a 43 and she gave birth. Mrs. Altobello
: Isn't childbirth grounds for a makeup test? Principal Kelban
: It always has been. Chainsaw
: This woman thing never fails. Shoop
: Eakian: a 51 to a 74. Alan Eakian
: I passed! I am an Eakian, Grams! Dave
: All right, Eaker!
: Denise: no previous test score because you ditched every test, but a 38. Mrs. Green
: Honey, that's terrific! Denise
: We'll get 'em next time. Shoop
: Kevin, from a 48 to a 75! Kevin Winchester
: Yeah, I'm back on the team!
[Kevin and his did share football shouts and hug
: Chainsaw: last score was a 6, this time: 59. Monster comeback! And Dave: from a 26 to a 70. Dave
: I passed! Anna-Maria Mazarelli
: You made it! Chainsaw
: You passed? You passed and I failed, asshole! How could you do that to me? Dave
: It was an accident. I'll take it again, I can fail, I know it. Shoop
: Pam went from a 53 to an 82. Pam
: Was that the highest? Shoop
: Well, almost. That guy who spent six weeks in the bathroom got a 91. But look, there's more going on here than test scores and grades. You all worked hard and improved. Phil Gills
: And that's very nice, Mr. Shoop. The point here is that we are here to discuss Mr. Shoop's flagrant violation of school policies. Principal Kelban
: Hold it, Gills. According to my numbers, the average scores have increased from 28 to 63. That's 125% improvement. Now that's teaching. Mr. Shoop, I'm granting you tenure.