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: Please take your seats. Chainsaw
: Where should we take 'em?
: You want us to study? Shoop
: The thought did cross my mind. Denise
: Well, what's in it for us? What do we get out of it? Shoop
: Your teacher was arrested for giving vodka to students. Dave
: You went to jail for us? Shoop
: On roller skates.
: [the class is watching "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"
] Oh my God. What are you watching? Shoop
: New film from the district, "Safe Use Of Power Tools". Phil Gills
: [holds a box
] This just came... I don't want to know what's in here, do I? Shoop
: Nope, probably not.
: Hey, I remember you. Where have you been? Jerome Watkins
: Bathroom. Shoop
: For the last six weeks? Jerome Watkins
: My zipper got stuck.
[Shoop is calling roll
: Francis Gremp? Chainsaw
: Don't ever call me that, the name's "Chainsaw". Shoop
: As in "Black and Decker"? Chainsaw
: As in "Texas Massacre".
: Where are my car keys? Chainsaw
: There somewhere in this room. Right now you're ice cold.
: Can anybody tell me why writing is important? Pam
: Because it's a form of communication. Shoop
: Very good, it can also get you free stuff. Kids
: Free? Shoop
: Free, I'm writing it down... here's how it works, we've all been ripped off, right? Pay phone steals your money... not enough cheese on your pizza... Chainsaw
: My shades keep falling apart! Shoop
: That's a perfect example. Now you're going to write that company a letter and you're going to see action, but only if the letter is well written and it threatens to hurt their business, and it's signed, excuse me Chainsaw, Francis Gremp, President: Consumer Against Faulty Eyewear. Chainsaw
: You want me to lie? Okay.
: Are you sure you wanna do this? Shoop
: Absolutely. Lamaze class: great place to meet girls.
: You know what we need Wonder Mutt?
[sticks his finger in jam jar with a peanut butter coated finger, and feeds it to Wonder Mutt
: Besides bread. We need a woman that can appreciate what we have to offer.
: I'm telling you, you gotta try these Pop Tarts. Ms. Robin Elizabeth Bishop
: No thanks, I'm sticking with the Chocodiles.
: [trying to get out of teaching summer school
] I'm not a real teacher. Vice Principal Phil Gills
: That's okay. They aren't real students.
: Once a guy hits 18, it's all downhill. Shoop
: But it's a lovely ride.
: [to Chainsaw
] Fact: Alcohol kills brain cells. You lose one more and you're a talking monkey.
Ms. Robin Elizabeth Bishop
: [reading Denise's complaint letter
] Shoop, this girl is dyslexic. Shoop
: What? Ms. Robin Elizabeth Bishop
: This is serious. You've got to get her some help. Shoop
: How did she go this long without anyone finding out? Ms. Robin Elizabeth Bishop
: She slipped through the system. Shoop
: What happens when she gets out in the real world?
: [reading call sheet
] Rhonda Altobello? Rhonda Altobello
: Here. Shoop
: You went from Cs to Fs, what happened? Rhonda Altobello
: [stands up and pats her pregnant stomach
] Any other questions? Shoop
: Uh, can Rhonda and I be excused? She's having a baby. Shoop
: You're having a baby?
[climbs over the desks to reach her
: Why didn't you say anything? Rhonda Altobello
: I wanted to finish my test.
[walks down the stairs towards the door
: Can I get you anything, hot water, a doctor? Rhonda Altobello
] Get out of my way. Shoop
: Get out of your way, I can do that.
[to school security
: Carmine, get out of her way!
: [Chainsaw pours a large fish tank on the couch to put out a fire
] My fish! Pam
: How many were there? Shoop
: Just one.
: Field trips to the beach, drinking on the beach, a bed in your classroom, a screening of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1... quite a summer, Mr. Shoop. Shoop
: I tried to keep it interesting. Phil Gills
: I have his dismissal ready for your signature, sir. Principal Kelban
: Before I sign anything, I understand there are some people waiting to speak on Mr. Shoop's behalf. Shoop
: Really? Principal Kelban
: Come in.
[opens the door to Shoop's students and their parents and guardians
] Phil Gills
: Mr. Kelban, you're not actually going to listen to these delinquents? Principal Kelban
: No, I'm going to listen to their parents. I'm Principal Kelban. Is there a spokesperson here? Mr. Gremp
: I guess I am. I'm Howard Gremp. Principal Kelban
: You're Chainsaw's father. Interesting boy. Mr. Gremp
: No, you can say it. He's a lunatic. Chainsaw
: Dad... Mr. Gremp
: Six weeks ago, I thought he had the IQ of a salad bar. His only interest in life was to make people sick. I my mother came to dinner, he would give the dog a third eye or an extra leg. Because of him, we stopped having kids. You can imagine the feeling when I saw him studying. The wife and I almost burst into tears. Mrs. Frazier
: David was doing his homework, too. Mr. Gremp
: It makes sense, they share the same brain. Mrs. Green
: Not only did Mr. Shoop get my daughter to read, he taught her to drive. Mr. Winchester
: He showed Kevin there's more to life than football. I'm not sure I agree, but it's possible.
: This man should not be teaching. The proof is right here in these test results. Look for yourself, Mr. Shoop. Passing is 70; average score here was 63. They failed. Shoop
: [looks at the results
] That is not true, Mr. Gills. Alan Eakian
: You mean we passed? Shoop
: No, not all of you, but that's not what's important here. Larry went from an 18 to a 51! Mrs. Kazimias
: If I'd only seen you strip a week sooner. Shoop
: Rhonda: from a 29 to a 43 and she gave birth. Mrs. Altobello
: Isn't childbirth grounds for a makeup test? Principal Kelban
: It always has been. Chainsaw
: This woman thing never fails. Shoop
: Eakian: a 51 to a 74. Alan Eakian
: I passed! I am an Eakian, Grams! Dave
: All right, Eaker!
: Denise: no previous test score because you ditched every test, but a 38. Mrs. Green
: Honey, that's terrific! Denise
: We'll get 'em next time. Shoop
: Kevin, from a 48 to a 75! Kevin Winchester
: Yeah, I'm back on the team!
[Kevin and his did share football shouts and hug
: Chainsaw: last score was a 6, this time: 59. Monster comeback! And Dave: from a 26 to a 70. Dave
: I passed! Anna-Maria Mazarelli
: You made it! Chainsaw
: You passed? You passed and I failed, asshole! How could you do that to me? Dave
: It was an accident. I'll take it again, I can fail, I know it. Shoop
: Pam went from a 53 to an 82. Pam
: Was that the highest? Shoop
: Well, almost. That guy who spent six weeks in the bathroom got a 91. But look, there's more going on here than test scores and grades. You all worked hard and improved. Phil Gills
: And that's very nice, Mr. Shoop. The point here is that we are here to discuss Mr. Shoop's flagrant violation of school policies. Principal Kelban
: Hold it, Gills. According to my numbers, the average scores have increased from 28 to 63. That's 125% improvement. Now that's teaching. Mr. Shoop, I'm granting you tenure.