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Quotes for
Darren Lamb (Character)
from "Extras" (2005)

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"Extras: Patrick Stewart (#1.6)" (2005)
Iain Morris: So where do you see this going?
Darren Lamb: BBC 1.
Andy Millman: No...
Darren Lamb: BBC 3.
Andy Millman: NO! I was thinking BBC 2...

Iain Morris: Well, we'd like you to write with someone in the beginning just to help you get started.
Darren Lamb: He'll write with anyone.
Andy Millman: No, I won't!
Darren Lamb: He won't write with anyone. That's a deal-breaker.


"Extras: David Bowie (#2.2)" (2006)
Darren Lamb: [Barry and Darren is standing at a designer bar's counter, Darren is scoping the room. Barry is facing away from Darren, and takes a sip off his cocktail, winces at its strength. Excitedly, to Barry's back] Barry, don't look round a'right... there's a couple of birds, a'right, without drinks.
[pleased with himself]
Darren Lamb: I think you know what to do.
Barry: [knowingly] Oh yes...
[turns to the bartender, calls him over]
Barry: Excuse me, uh... there's a couple of girls over there not drinking, so... I think you should tell them to either buy something or get out.
Darren Lamb: [trying to interject, talks to the barman] Sor, no... sorry, that's a mistake. No, that's not what I meant, sorry.
[puts his hands on Barry's shoulders, to Barry]
Darren Lamb: No, what I meant was, 'buy 'em some drinks', that's an 'in', isn't it, so we can start a conver...
Barry: [to Darren, frazzled and confused] I thought you were worried that they were taking up valuable space and costing 'em money?
Darren Lamb: Why would that concern me? It's not my concern!
Barry: [argumentatively] The man is running a business, the overhead is probably extortionate!
Darren Lamb: He probably makes a lot of money on food!
Barry: No no no, don't give me that. There's twenty pubs a day closing down in this country, and its due to people like that.
[points at the girls who don't have drinks]
Barry: Alright?


"Extras: Jonathan Ross (#2.6)" (2006)
Darren Lamb: So what time would be ther right now?
Andy Millman: Right, It's four o' clock here so... eight hours
Darren Lamb: [counting with his fingers] Five, Six...
Andy Millman: No, you're going up
Darren Lamb: [changes his hand and do exactly the same] Five, Six...
Andy Millman: You still Going up!Look. It's four o' clock, so eight hours... eight o' clock
Darren Lamb: That's four hours ahead.
Andy Millman: In the morning!
Darren Lamb: Oh. Ok. Yes.
Andy Millman: Suposse I get it there at nine.
Darren Lamb: Ten. Yeah. After the coffee
Andy Millman: Right. Add Eight
Darren Lamb: to What?
Andy Millman: Ten!
Darren Lamb: Ten? Eighteen.
Andy Millman: [exasperating] What you mean eighteen?
Darren Lamb: Oh no. Add eight. Hours you mean. Sorry.
Andy Millman: Of course. So call it at six o' clock.
Darren Lamb: Right. Their Time.
Andy Millman: Our Time!
Darren Lamb: Our time. Yeah. And What time would be over there?
Andy Millman: Ten.
Darren Lamb: Ten. At night?
Andy Millman: In the morning!


"Extras: Daniel Radcliffe (#2.3)" (2006)
Darren Lamb: Annoyingly, they didn't go with the 'giving the kid an Xbox' angle.
Andy Millman: What angle did they go with then?
Darren Lamb: [holding up a newspaper] "TV bully kicks dwarf in face."
Andy Millman: Accurate. But, as you say, there's no such thing as bad publicity, is there?
Darren Lamb: [reading another newspaper headline] "Pick on someone your own size fatty."
Andy Millman: Oh, I guess there is.
Darren Lamb: Oh look, this is the worst one. "Suicide Bombers get lotto funding."
Andy Millman: What's that got to do with me?
Darren Lamb: Nothing... I mean, it's just shocking, isn't it?
[Andy sighs]
Darren Lamb: Look at this one... "Gypsies are eating our pets".


"Extras: Chris Martin (#2.4)" (2006)
BAFTA Executive: Well, well, well. The Three Stooges.
Andy Millman: [laughs]
BAFTA Executive: Sorry, something funny?
Andy Millman: Just you're joke...
BAFTA Executive: Shut up.
BAFTA Executive: [at Ronnie Corbett] Corbett. Always bloody Corbett. Is this it, or is there anymore?
Ronnie Corbett: [hands over bag of cocaine] Just a bit of whizz, to blow away the cobwebs.
BAFTA Executive: Where did you get it?
Ronnie Corbett: Don't remember.
BAFTA Executive: Now don't bullshit me. Where did you get it? Was it from Moria Stuart?
Ronnie Corbett: You don't get it, do you mate? I don't remember!
BAFTA Executive: Well here's something you will remember. You're banned from BAFTA. You can never win a BAFTA now.
Andy Millman: What? Me as well?
BAFTA Executive: Yes. All of you. And you can't attend any of our events. You can't come to the Film BAFTA's, you can't come to the TV BAFTA's and you can't even come to the Children's BAFTA's
Ronnie Corbett: What about the Welsh BAFTA's?
BAFTA Executive: Would you come to the Welsh BAFTA's if you were asked?
Ronnie Corbett: Probably.
BAFTA Executive: You'll be expecting a call.
Darren Lamb: [points at Andy] He'll come to the Welsh BAFTA's if you want.
BAFTA Executive: Sorry. We're looking for actors with more skill.
Darren Lamb: Make's sense.
Andy Millman: [Looks at Darren] Make's sense?
Darren Lamb: Well I was only trying to...
Andy Millman: Yeah... you... idiot!


"Extras: The Extra Special Series Finale (#2.7)" (2007)
Andy Millman: No. What are we doing? Selling ourselves. Selling everything. The happiest day of my life - oh, quick, I'll do the invites and bake a cake and get a press tent. Must have a press tent - it's a wedding. I must see pictures of meself with other people I'm in the programme with. Oh, now I'm pregnant - we must televise the birth. Quick, see if Ryan Seacrest will present it. Maybe it'll make E! channel's "100 Greatest Caesarians". I'm not having a go at you. I'm just sick of these celebrities just living their lives out in the open all the time. Why would you do that? It's like these pop stars who choose the perfect moment to go into rehab. They call their publicist before they call a taxi. Then they come out and they do their second autobiography - this one's called "Love Me or I'll Kill Myself". Well, kill yourself then. And the papers lap it up. They follow us around and that makes people think we're important, and that makes us think we're important. If they stop following us around, taking pictures of us, those people wouldn't take to the streets going "Oh quick, I need a picture of Cameron Diaz with a pimple". They wouldn't care; they'd get on with something else. They'd get on with their lives. You open the paper and you see a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting out of a car, and the headline is "Cover Up Lindsay, We Can See Your Knickers". Of course you can see her knickers - your photographer is lying in the road, pointing his camera up her dress to see her knickers! You're literally the gutter press. And fuck you, the makers of this show, as well. You can't wash your hands in this. You can't keep going "Oh, it's exploitation, but it's what the public want". No, the Victorian freak show never went away. Now it's called "Big Brother" or "American Idol", where, in the preliminary rounds, we wheel out the bewildered to be sniggered at by multimillionaires. And fuck you for watching this at home. Shame on you. And shame on me. I'm the worst of all 'cause I'm one of those people that goes "Oh, I'm an entertainer, it's in my blood". Yeah, it's in my blood, 'cause a real job's too hard. I would love to have been a doctor - too hard. Didn't want to put the work in. Would love to be a war hero - I'm too scared. So I go "Oh, it's what I do". And I have someone bollocked if my cappuccino is cold, or if they look at me the wrong way. You know what a friend of mine once said? They said I'll never be happy 'cause I'll never be famous enough. And they were right. And if you're watching this, I'm so sorry. You're my best friend. You're my only friend. And you never did anything wrong. It was everything else. I'll never do that again. I'll never treat you like that again. It's eating me that you asked me a stupid question once, and I just... I could've answered it and I didn't, 'cause I was... I'll answer it now: I'd be the penguin, 'cause I could eat the flying fish. I know what you're thinking - "why doesn't the fish fly away?" Well, it can't really fly; it's all glide and flap. They should be called 'glidey flappy fish'. I'm so sorry.
Darren Lamb: I've been waiting to hear that, mate.
Shaun Williamson: I don't think he was...
Darren Lamb: He's a good guy. He is a good guy.
Shaun Williamson: Yeah.
Andy Millman: I'm gonna go now. Cheers everyone.