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Quotes for
Maggie Jacobs (Character)
from "Extras" (2005)

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"Extras: Ben Stiller (#1.1)" (2005)
Ben Stiller: I've kissed Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore! I've slapped Jennifer Aniston's butt!
Maggie Jacobs: Yeah, in films.
Ben Stiller: It still counts! It still counts...

Jon: [in the cafeteria] Hi.
Maggie Jacobs: Oh, hi, there. What you doing here?
Jon: I'm just having lunch.
Maggie Jacobs: Oh, right, yeah. We're having lunch as well.
Andy Millman: Yeah. Letting it cool down here, though.

Maggie Jacobs: What have you gone for?
Jon: Oh, boring. Just three-been salad, spinach and smoothie. I'm on a high-fiber diet.
Maggie Jacobs: Oh, no bowel cancer for you then?

Andy Millman: [doubting that Maggie would want to date Jon now that she's discovered he has one leg shorter than the other] Do you really want to be known as "that girl"?
Maggie Jacobs: What girl?
Andy Millman: "Maggie." You know Maggie? The one who goes out with that guy with the big shoe?

Andy Millman: [Embarrassed at his unintentional racist comments] I am sorry, I don't want to sound like a racist. But I don't happen to know the intricate difference between Chinese & Japanese.
Maggie Jacobs: They teach something in the school, don't they?
Andy Millman: [Realizing what she's about to say] No, don't!
Maggie Jacobs: [Ignoring, and twisting her eyes, touching her knees and breasts in order] Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees... What are these?

"Extras: Kate Winslet (#1.3)" (2005)
Maggie Jacobs: I think I need to go for a wee.
Maggie Jacobs: That's the third one already.
Andy Millman: Good. Well, keep me posted throughout the week. Maybe keep a journal.

[Andy and Maggie, in costume as a German refugee and a Nazi soldier, are discussing her new boyfriend between takes]
Maggie Jacobs: [quietly, embarrassed] He likes to talk dirty on the phone. He'll call me up and he's coming out with all this filth.
Andy Millman: Why... would you tell me that?
Andy Millman: What does he say?
Maggie Jacobs: He calls up and says things like "Ooh... what are you doing?"
Andy Millman: What do you say?
Maggie Jacobs: Well I didn't know what was going on at first - I didn't realize - and I was just honest with him and I said "Oh, I'm just cleaning out the vegetable drawer to the fridge."
Andy Millman: [bursts out laughing] What if he thought that was a euphemism? "Ooh, I'm cleaning out my vegetable drawer. Ooh, I'm scrubbing my front step." Have you talked dirty back to him?
Maggie Jacobs: No, I have not. I don't know what to say to him, it's too embarrassing. What if I say something and he just laughs at me, or something and it's too much and he gets all offended?
Andy Millman: Well no, it's just stuff like "Ooh, I'm playing with myself."
[they laugh]
Kate Winslet: [getting coffee behind them in her nun's habit] Sounds interesting.
Andy Millman: Hey. Not me, her.
Kate Winslet: Go on.
Andy Millman: [pause, then in a rush] Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone and she doesn't know what to say to him.
Kate Winslet: Oh yeah, that can be a bit awkward. Why don't you just start with something light, you know, like um - "I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa-Loompas," you know, something a bit fun, a bit jokey. And then you can get more hardcore, run with the old classics, like "I'm playing with my dirty pillows," "I'm aching for your big purple-headed womb ferret." And then go straight in hard, like "Get 'round here 'cause I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it." Right?
Maggie Jacobs: [incredibly uncomfortable] Yeah.
Kate Winslet: Okay? Back on.
[stands up, walks away]
Andy Millman: [to her as she walks away] Love to Sam Mendes.
[stunned, to Maggie]
Andy Millman: Kate Winslet, talking dirty to Anne Frank and Joseph Goebbels, just another normal day.

Maggie Jacobs: Oh, how was the date?
Andy Millman: The date. Um, oh, good. Let me just go over some highlights for you. Lied to a priest in front of a room full of Christians, some of them elderly, some of them just weird and bewildered. So insulted them and their belief system, made a woman hate me for the rest of her life. Yeah? Didn't believe in God before. Definitely going to hell.

"Extras: Samuel L Jackson (#1.5)" (2005)
Andy Millman: He doesn't think you're a racist.
Maggie Jacobs: He does! He's just seen me say to a black woman, "You're not allowed to sit on this bus." It's like that whole racism-on-a-bus incident all over again.
Andy Millman: What, the Rosa Parks incident?
Maggie Jacobs: It wasn't in a park, it was on a bus.
Andy Millman: Sure.

Maggie Jacobs: Why don't you just tell him you don't want to be his friend?
Andy Millman: It's too damning. You can't say that to someone. That is saying that you fundamentally have a problem with their personality.
Maggie Jacobs: What are you gonna do?
Andy Millman: The only honourable thing I can do.
Maggie Jacobs: What?
Andy Millman: Add him to the long list of people that I have to avoid for the rest of my life. You can never have that time back.

"Extras: David Bowie (#2.2)" (2006)
David Bowie: [sings] The little fat man who sold his soul...
Andy Millman: The little?
David Bowie: [sings] Little fat man who sold his dream... Chubby little loser...
David Bowie: [turns round and plays piano] Chubby little loser... National joke...
David Bowie: [stops singing] No, not chubby little loser...
David Bowie: [sings] Pathetic little fat man... No one's bloody laughing...
David Bowie: [sings] The clown that no one laughs at... They all just wish he'd die...
David Bowie: [sings] He's so depressed at being useless... The fat man takes his own life...
David Bowie: [stops singing] No, no
David Bowie: [sings] He's so depressed at being hated... Fatty takes his own life...
David Bowie: [stops singing] Fatty? Fatso?
Maggie Jacobs: Fatso, I like fatso
David Bowie: Yeah, let's go with fatso
David Bowie: [sings] Fatso take his own life... He blows his bloated face off
David Bowie: [stops singing] No
David Bowie: [sings] He blows his stupid brains out
Linda: But the twat'd probabably miss!
David Bowie: [stops singing] Yes, Linda, I like that!
Andy Millman: Yes, so do I. It's brilliant Linda.
David Bowie: [sings] He sold his soul for a shot at fame... Catchprase and wig and the jokes are lame...
David Bowie: [sings] He's got no style, he's got no grace... He's banal and facile... He's a fat waste of space...
David Bowie: [stops singing] Yeah, yeah. Everybody sing that last line. One, two, three...
David Bowie: [sings] He's banal and facile... He's a fat waste of space... See his pug-nosed face... pug, pug, pug, pug
David Bowie: [stops singing] Again!
David Bowie: [sings] See his pug-nose face... pug, pug, pug, pug. The little fat man with the pug-nosed face... Yeah! pug, pug, pug, pug. Little fat man... pug-nosed face... pug, pug, pug, pug...

"Extras: Orlando Bloom (#2.1)" (2006)
[Maggie is annoyed at all the girls fawning over Orlando]
Maggie Jacobs: They're just doing it because you're famous.
Orlando Bloom: ...Well, they're not doing it *just* 'cause I'm famous... No, it's my looks as well.
Maggie Jacobs: I just don't think they'd be acting like that if you weren't a film star.
Orlando Bloom: ...Yeah, they pretty much would. I've always had attention.
Maggie Jacobs: No, all I'm saying is if you were the prop boy, you'd just get ignored.
Orlando Bloom: [smirks] What, with this face? I wouldn't get ignored. I'll tell you who *does* get ignored: Johnny Depp. On the set of 'Pirates of the Caribbean,' the birds just walked straight past him - 'get out the bloody way, whoever you are, we wanna get to Orlando.' Around me like flies around shit.
Maggie Jacobs: [surprised] They ignore Johnny Depp?
Orlando Bloom: Yeah! They're going 'oh, Orlando, who's that freak over there that we didn't notice?' I'm going, 'it's Johnny Depp!' They're going 'who cares? You were Legolas in Lord of the Rings!'
[mocking Johnny]
Orlando Bloom: 'Ooh, look at me, I make art-house movies! Ooh, I've got scissors for hands!' Willy Wonka? Johnny *Wanker.*

"Extras: Patrick Stewart (#1.6)" (2005)
[on the side, whispering during Patrick Stewart's dramatic monologue]
Maggie Jacobs: Here's one: What would you rather be...
Andy Millman: Is now the best time to do this?
Maggie Jacobs: Right. Would you rather be you, with your face and your legs, and the brain of a chimpanzee...
Andy Millman: Brilliant.
Maggie Jacobs: ...or would you rather be a chimpanzee, but with your brain?
Andy Millman: I can't answer that. It's too inane, even for you. That's the worst one yet.

"Extras: Les Dennis (#1.4)" (2005)
Maggie Jacobs: Would you rather have a bionic arm or a bionic leg?
Andy Millman: I think a bionic leg, so I could hop to work.
Maggie Jacobs: I think leg too, but so I could kick people.
Andy Millman: But a bionic arm would come in handy some nights.
Maggie Jacobs: I don't get it...
Andy Millman: Never mind.

"Extras: Ross Kemp & Vinnie Jones (#1.2)" (2005)
Maggie Jacobs: [trying to persuade Andy to ask Ross Kemp for a line] Just talk to him. Tell him you loved him in Eastenders, Ultimate Force, Spandau Ballet...
Andy Millman: He wasn't in Spandau Ballet. You're thinking of Martin Kemp.
Maggie Jacobs: Aren't they brothers?
Andy Millman: In Spandau Ballet, it's Martin Kemp and Gary Kemp.
Maggie Jacobs: So who's this one?
Andy Millman: Ross Kemp.
Maggie Jacobs: Who's his brother?
Andy Millman: I... I don't know if he's got a brother.
Maggie Jacobs: Yes, he has. The bald one, looks just like him, works in the Queen Vic.
Andy Millman: Phil Mitchell?
Maggie Jacobs: Yes.
Andy Millman: Well, they're brothers on the show but they're not brothers in real life.
Maggie Jacobs: Yes, they are! They're the Mitchell brothers.
Andy Millman: [getting exasperated] What do you mean the Mitchell brothers? You know his name's Ross Kemp!
[Maggie is still looking very puzzled]
Andy Millman: What bit's confusing you?
Maggie Jacobs: [after a pause. mumbles] The brothers.
Andy Millman: The brothers.
[an extra walks by wearing a futuristic sci-fi costume]
Andy Millman: Is that confusing you too? Do you think we've landed in the future?
Maggie Jacobs: Shut your face!

"Extras: Chris Martin (#2.4)" (2006)
[on the red carpet at the BAFTA awards]
Reporter: [to Maggie] Who are you wearing?
Maggie Jacobs: Maggie.
Reporter: No, who are you wearing?
Maggie Jacobs: Maggie Jacobs.
Andy Millman: No, whose dress is that?
Maggie Jacobs: Mine.
Andy Millman: [to reporter] She wins the award. Come on.