Floyd Lawson
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Quotes for
Floyd Lawson (Character)
from "The Andy Griffith Show" (1960)

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"The Andy Griffith Show: Convicts-at-Large (#3.11)" (1962)
Floyd Lawson: Maude! Al! If those hamburgers are ruined, I won't be responsible!

Deputy Barney Fife: [Floyd and he have run out of gas, and in walking about looking for some have arrived at a mountain cabin belonging to wealthy Mr. O'Malley. Barney decides to shout to see if anyone's home] O'Malley! Charlie! It's me, Barney Fife!
Floyd Lawson: [Aghast] You shouldn't call a rich man by his first name!
Deputy Barney Fife: [to Floyd] The Bigger they are, the nicer they are.
Deputy Barney Fife: Hey, Chuck!

Floyd Lawson: How come you're putting on your uniform?
Deputy Barney Fife: In case we decide to hitchhike.
Floyd Lawson: Oh.
Deputy Barney Fife: In civies I'm a little hard looking.

Big Maude Tyler: By rights, I ought to let Naomi curl your hair with this heater.
Jalene Naomi Connors: [excited] Can I, Maude? Can I? I hate men!
Big Maude Tyler: She's a convicted husband-beater.
Floyd Lawson: [worried] Better watch it, Al.
Deputy Barney Fife: Will you stop callin' me Al?

Deputy Barney Fife: [Maude told him to lie to Andy] Supposing I refuse?
[Maude points the gun at point-blank range at where he and Floyd are sitting. Naomi and Sally hover over the couch, fists at the ready]
Floyd Lawson: Better phone him, Al!

"The Andy Griffith Show" (1960)
[after a haircut at Floyd's]
Andy Taylor: Floyd.
Floyd Lawson: What's the matter?
Andy Taylor: My sideburns.
Floyd Lawson: Your sideburns - what's the matter with your sideburns?
Andy Taylor: Why, they're both even.
Floyd Lawson: Well, I'll be dogged. How'd that happen?
Andy Taylor: I declare, Floyd, I believe you're getting the hang of it. And looka there - they're the right length and everything.

Floyd Lawson: [while looking at himself in the mirror] Wretch, wretch! Deceitful wretch!

[Goober thinks he has whiplash]
Goober Pyle: Floyd made the diagnosis.
Andy Taylor: Floyd, what do you know about whiplash?
Floyd Lawson: What do you mean? A barber does a lot of work around the back of the neck.

Floyd Lawson: If I keep this up I'll probably end up with a barber's claw from holding the shears all day.

"The Andy Griffith Show: Quiet Sam (#1.29)" (1961)
Floyd Lawson: He cuts his own hair.
Barney Fife: He tell you that?
Floyd Lawson: Didn't have to. I can spot an amateur head a mile off.

Barney Fife: Don't look at him. He'll know we're talkin' him.
Barney Fife: What's he doin' now?
Floyd Lawson: I don't know. You told me not to look at him.

"The Andy Griffith Show: Stranger in Town (#1.12)" (1960)
Barney Fife: Next time I want a haircut, I'm gonna stick my head in a pencil sharpener.
Floyd the Barber: Yes, sir, and it'll fit, too.

"The Andy Griffith Show: Malcolm at the Crossroads (#6.3)" (1965)
Ernest T. Bass: [yelling at Malcom Merriweather] I'm warning you! Now today is Thursday. If you're still here on... what's the day after Thursday?
Floyd Lawson: Uh Friday.
Ernest T. Bass: Right. If you're still here on Friday, which is the day after Thursday, I'll WHOOP the fire outta you.

"The Andy Griffith Show: Crime-Free Mayberry (#2.7)" (1961)
Margaret Williamson: [a reporter, not realizing she's walked into a fishing story rather than a police story] Well, you were just sayin' "Mr. Carp, you have met your match."
Andy Taylor: Oh, yes. Well, old carp, he didn't think so.
Margaret Williamson: No?
Andy Taylor: No, no. The closter I come to pullin' him in, well, the scrappier he got. Well, finally I just reached down and picked up a axe and, wham, right between the eyes.
Margaret Williamson: [incredulously] You struck him with an ax?
Andy Taylor: The blunt side, to stun him.
Floyd Lawson: Oh, they're tough, those carps, hoo-hoo. Oh, I tell you.
Margaret Williamson: What'd you do then?
Andy Taylor: I strung him up and had my picture took with him.
Margaret Williamson: You strung him up right then and there?
Andy Taylor: Well, yes, ma'am. There was a big oak tree with a... with a good stout limb - oh, I reckon seven/eight feet off the ground - and I throwed a rope acrossed it and-and pulled him up, and Barney - that's my deputy - he took my picture standing beside of him grinnin' from ear to ear. It took me about all the strength I had to pull that carp up where he cleared the ground.
Floyd Lawson: Yeah. Oh, they're BIG, those carps.
Andy Taylor: Yeah.
Margaret Williamson: I can't believe it.
Andy Taylor: Well, I got a picture here...
Margaret Williamson: Oh, no, no, PLEASE. You killed him?
Andy Taylor: Well, yes, ma'am. Round these parts we figure we're doin' folks a favor when we kill a carp. They're a awful nuisance.

"The Andy Griffith Show: Aunt Bee's Romance (#5.5)" (1964)
Andy Taylor: Well, as Mark Twain said, everybody complains about the weather but nobody does anything about it.
Floyd Lawson: Did he say that?
Andy Taylor: Mm-hmm.
Floyd Lawson: I thought Calvin Coolidge said that.
Andy Taylor: No, no Floyd, Calvin Coolidge didn't say that.
Floyd Lawson: What'd Calvin Coolidge say?

"The Andy Griffith Show: The Beauty Contest (#1.16)" (1961)
Floyd Lawson: You know how we always do a pageant showing the founding of Mayberry? Well, how 'bout WITH that we also have a... beauty pageant?
Sam Lindsey: Beauty pageant. You mean with girls?
Andy Taylor: Uh, well they help.

"The Andy Griffith Show: Aunt Bee on TV (#6.10)" (1965)
Goober Pyle: Did you know she's been walkin' all over town wearin' it?
Floyd Lawson: Yeah. It's mink!
Goober Pyle: Yeah, she told me. They're vicious little animals, ya know.

"The Andy Griffith Show: The Bookie Barber (#2.28)" (1962)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You... you could put a sign in the window sayin' "Two Chairs - No Waitin'."
Floyd Lawson: Yeah, yeah, gee whiz... two chairs... and I got the magazines to swing it!