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Pvt. Gomer Pyle
: [while raking
] See-saw Majorie Dawl, Jack shall have a new Master. He shall make but a penny a day, because he can't work any faster
Sgt. Vince Carter
: I don't get it Pyle, how come you can knock that Phillips flat yet you can't handle that little Lombardi guy? Pvt. Gomer Pyle
: Well sir, you see the big feller needed a lesson, the little feller didn't
: [Barney is upset with Gomer and walks out, refusing to speak to him
] What's the matter with Barney? Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Well Gomer, Barney's been bitten by the green eyed monster. Gomer Pyle
: He has? Well they got some stuff down at the drugstore that'll keep 'em off of you. One fell on me just yesterday!
] Lucy Carmichael
: What did you say? Pvt. Gomer Pyle
: I said, I'm this here Carmichael's replacement. Lucy Carmichael
: [to Marine Sergeant
] Good luck. buddy.
Deputy Barney Fife
: Gomer, I have to uphold the law, no matter what! It's only what any responsible person should do. Why, even if I weren't a policeman, I would still arrest you for making a illegal U-turn... any person can do that, you know... it's called a citizen's arrest. Gomer Pyle
: [seeing Barney make a U-turn with his squad car as he drives away
] Hey! HEEEYYYY - - BARNEY! You made an illegal u-turn YOURSELF! You're breakin' the law, and so I, as a responsible person, need to arrest you! Citizen's arrest! Citizen's arrest!
: Quallerbattoo! Sgt. Carter
: It's a SECRET password. DON'T ANNOUNCE IT TO THE WHOLE WORLD!
Sheriff Andy Taylor
: What's wrong? Gomer Pyle
: Nothing. Why do you ask? Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Well, Gomer, whenever I see a man settin' by hisself in a Quonset hut with a bucket on his head, I've got to ask, "What's wrong?"
Deputy Barney Fife
: Gentlemen, I give you science in action, proof positive! The camera does not lie - THERE is your criminal!
[Slams picture from security camera on desk, only to discover it's a picture he accidentally shot of himself setting up the device
] Deputy Barney Fife
] It's ME! Gomer Pyle
: Hey, you take a purty good picture, Barn! Me, I never do.