Sheriff Andy Taylor
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Quotes for
Sheriff Andy Taylor (Character)
from "The Andy Griffith Show" (1960)

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"The Andy Griffith Show: Opie's Charity (#1.8)" (1960)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Why, I was readin' here just the other day where there's somewhere like four hundred needy boys in this county alone, or... or-or one and a half boys per square mile.
Opie Taylor: There is?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: There sho' is.
Opie Taylor: I never seen one, Pa.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Never seen one, what?
Opie Taylor: A half a boy.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, it's not really a half a boy. It's a ratio.
Opie Taylor: Horatio who?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Not Horatio. A ratio. It's mathematics - arithmetic. Look, now, Opie, just... forget... forget that part of it. F-f-forget the part about the half a boy.
Opie Taylor: It's pretty hard to forget a thing like that, Pa.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, try.
Opie Taylor: Poor Horatio.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Now look, Opie, Horatio is not the only needy boy... Son, uh, didn't you... didn't you ever give anybody anything just for the pleasure of it. Something you didn't want anything in return for?
Opie Taylor: Sure, just yesterday I gave my friend Jimmy somethin'.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Now that's fine. What'd you give him?
Opie Taylor: A sock in the head.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I-I meant charity.
Opie Taylor: I didn't charge him nothing.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I meant somethin' for the joy of givin'.
Opie Taylor: I enjoyed it!

Sheriff Andy Taylor: Now, I never will forget that fine canteen that you and the club got up for the boys when they's comin' back from the war.
Annabelle Silby: Mm-hm.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Givin' up your time to dance with 'em.
Annabelle Silby: Every Saturday night.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Course I always did figure the boys had been through enough.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: Now, now, don't go blamin' yourself too much. After all, it-it ain't easy bein' married to a... drinkin' man.
Annabelle Silby: Andy Taylor, my Tom was NOT a drinkin' man.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: He wasn't?
Annabelle Silby: Absolutely not.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, it's too bad Tom didn't know that, 'cause he sure did waste hisself on some awful hangovers.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: I'm talkin' about the the Underprivileged Children's Drive.
Opie Taylor: Oh. They collected for that at school, Pa.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Oh, I know they did. Oh, I know they did. And when they called your name, you gave the large, generous amount of three cents. My, that is big of you, Diamond Jim.
Opie Taylor: Did I give 'em too much, Pa?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Too much?
Opie Taylor: I could ask 'em to give back two cents.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, it just can't be, that's all.
Tom Silby: What can't be?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, YOU can't be, Tom. You're gone.
Tom Silby: I WAS gone, but I come back.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: But you can't come BACK, not after you're GONE. It-it just ain't decent.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: You better hush. I'll arrest you for bein' a disorderly corpse.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, what would ANY husband say to his widow. Thank her for the nice funeral she gave you, for the kind words on your headstone. Why, you got a lot to talk about. Look alive, now.

Opie Taylor: What are we havin' for supper?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, you and Aunt Bee's havin' fried chicken, and I'm havin' crow.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: Course, I never did really believe you was buried over there.
Tom Silby: You mean you knew all along?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: No, not exactly. Just, with all the alcohol you had in your system, it seemed mighty peculiar that the grass over you was growin' so well.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Andy the Marriage Counselor (#1.18)" (1961)
[Barney enacts moves from a book on judo]
Andy Taylor: Gol-ol-ly, that must be some book. First time I ever saw a fellow get all wore out just readin'.

Barney Fife: I see what you did wrong now.
Andy Taylor: Huh?
Barney Fife: You was holdin' the knife in the wrong hand.
Andy Taylor: Oh, I'm sorry. I'll try to be more considerate next time I attack you.

Barney Fife: Throw the book at 'em.
Andy Taylor: Wouldn't do any good. Jennie'd just pick it up and throw it back at Fred.

Jennie Boone: How come you give me the real hard ones?
Andy Taylor: 'Cause you're a lady.

Andy Taylor: Well, I gave y'all a nickel every time you DID play nice.
Opie Taylor: I know, Pa, but Billy would rather play good games for nothin' than get a nickel for playin' nice. Sure is borin', Pa.

Andy Taylor: Now, I'm not goin' to give you and Billy any more nickels for playin' nice, you hear?
Opie Taylor: Really, Pa? We'll give back the nickels you already gave us.
Andy Taylor: No, no. You-you-you just keep them. That's a mighty cheep price for learnin' that what looks like rasslin' to one is dancin' to another.
Opie Taylor: You want Billy and me to dance, Pa?

Andy Taylor: [raising a toast] My friends, we are gathered here this evenin' to mark the beginnin' of a new life, a life a peace and quiet and gettin' along, the beauty and joy of which you now know and I'm sure ain't never gonna forget. It ain't no more than fittin', then, that we express our appreciation: To you, Jennie, who made all this possible when you stopped needlin' and ridin' and railin' and harassin' and naggin' poor old Fred here.
Jennie Boone: Now, hold on a minute, Sheriff. I never did all that much naggin'.
Andy Taylor: Well, I'm sorry Jennie. Uh, to-to you then, Fred, who made all this happy life possible when you stopped comin' home all mean and nasty and awful.
Fred Boone: Now, hold on, Sheriff. I may have come home out of sorts from time to time, but you got no call to say that I was mean and ornery.
Andy Taylor: Uh, to, uh, to-to whoever was the worst.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Mountain Wedding (#3.31)" (1963)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: If you ask me, this Ernest T. Bass is a strange and weird character.
Briscoe Darling: Just plain ornery's what he is.
Deputy Barney Fife: I think he's a nut.

[the Darlings have come to Andy for help with Ernest T. Bass]
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, can't you and your boys handle him?
Briscoe Darling: Well, we thought about killin' him, kinda hated to go that far.

Briscoe Darling: [as they're waiting for Ernest T to show up] Ya bring your stringin' instrument, Sheriff?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Oh, I didn't think we'd have time for music.
Briscoe Darling: You got time to breathe, you got time for music. How many strings you used to?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: There are six on my guitar.
Briscoe Darling: Well, here's one with five. Just kinda let that thumb hang free and enjoy the music!
PFC Dudley A. 'Dud' Wash: Hey, how about playing "Never Hit Your Grandmaw With A Great Big Stick"?
Charlene Darling Wash: Aw, Dud, that makes me cry.

Briscoe Darling: [Unable to understand Barney's law-enforcement talk] Is he arguin' with me?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: No, he's agreeing with you.
Briscoe Darling: Just so's I know where I stand.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: [Struggling to get Briscoe's tie on] Hold still, Mr. Darling!
Briscoe Darling: Ever since I saw a hangin', I been nervous 'bout wearin' one 'a these things!

Deputy Barney Fife: [the Darlings all are snoring heavily and keeping him awake] Andy?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Hm?
Deputy Barney Fife: Are you asleep?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You kidding?


"The Andy Griffith Show: Cyrano Andy (#1.22)" (1961)
Opie Taylor: [playing checkers] Your move, Pa.
Andy Taylor: I know it is. I'm just formulatin' my plan of attack - and I believe I've got 'er!
[makes a move]
Opie Taylor: Sure you wanna move there, Pa? I can jump ya.
Andy Taylor: Go right ahead. You'll fall in with my plans.
Opie Taylor: Okay. I jump HERE.
[Opie makes a jump but does not release his piece]
Andy Taylor: Now watch THIS.
Opie Taylor: I ain't finished, Pa. I also jump here, here, here, here and here.
[takes away six of Andy's pieces]
Opie Taylor: Got any plans NOW, Pa?
Andy Taylor: [smiling] Well, gee, I got plans to quit plannin' with you. You're a riverboat sharpie's what you are.

Andy Taylor: Barney, I declare, I just don't understand you. You said 'em all fine right there. Now, how come you can't say the same thing to Thelma Lou?
Barney Fife: Well, I guess the trouble is I can... I can only say 'em to a face like yours, you character.

Barney Fife: How would you like it if I tried to steal Ellie away from YOU?
Andy Taylor: Well, um...
Barney Fife: Oh, you don't think I can, do you?
Andy Taylor: Well, that's not the point.
Barney Fife: POINT! Well, I CAN! And the funny part is you're the one that showed me how. All I gotta do is sweet-talk her - and I've seen just enough Rock Hudson pictures to know how to do that.

Andy Taylor: Well, it looks like we got us the eternal quadrangle, don't it?

Andy Taylor: Well, Ellie May, I say, behind that pretty face, you got a awful handsome brain?

Andy Taylor: Love don't hold a stopwatch.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Horse Trader (#1.14)" (1961)
Andy Taylor: Barney, I'll tell you the truth, you are a bird in this world.

[Opie's about to trade licorice seeds, which he knows are a sham, to a classmate for roller skates]
Andy Taylor: Uh, you know that, uh, that you've been taught the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have 'em do unto you?"
Opie Taylor: Yes, Pa.
Andy Taylor: Huh. You think you've been followin' that rule?
Opie Taylor: Sure. Tommy did it unto me, and now I'm doin' it unto Jerry.

Andy Taylor: Well, bucket mouth, you know anybody that wants to buy a cannon?

Andy Taylor: You wanna buy this cannon?
Barney Fife: No!
Andy Taylor: Well, stop makin' faces!

Andy Taylor: You wanna buy this cannon?
Barney Fife: No!
Andy Taylor: Well, shut up!

Opie Taylor: What's the matter, Pa?
Andy Taylor: The matter is that I got a idea about the idea Jerry got about that cuff link bein' a button off of General George Washington's uniform, and the idea I got is that it's just barely possible that the idea Jerry got coulda come from you. How 'bout it?
Opie Taylor: Well...
Andy Taylor: Now, come on, tell me the truth. I don't want cha lyin' to me on top of everything else.
Opie Taylor: Okay. It's barely possible.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The County Nurse (#2.24)" (1962)
Andy Taylor: [showing Rafe different medical tools] That's a stethoscope. Know what it does?
Rafe Hollister: No.
Andy Taylor: Lets you hear your heartbeat. Wanna hear your heartbeat, Rafe?
Rafe Hollister: What for? I know my heart's beatin'.
Andy Taylor: Well, yeah...
Rafe Hollister: I'm alive, ain't I?
Andy Taylor: Well, yeah...
Rafe Hollister: Well, then my heart's beatin'!
Andy Taylor: Well, listen to it beat, Rafe. Here, put these two ends in your ear there. Stick 'em right in there. They won't hurt ya. That's right. Go ahead. Stick 'em right in there. All right? Now, now, listen. Listen.
[puts the stethoscope eartips on Rafe's ears and the chest-piece to his heart]
Andy Taylor: Huh? How 'bout that? Listen to mine.
[moves the chest-piece to his own chest]
Andy Taylor: Huh? Whadda ya think of that, Rafe?
Rafe Hollister: All right, now we know we're BOTH alive!

Barney Fife: That little kissy on the jaw, that, uh, felt kinda good, didn't it?
Andy Taylor: It felt better than a mule's nose, yes.

Barney Fife: You know, it's a good thing she ain't campaignin' for folks to get their eyes examined.
Andy Taylor: How's that?
Barney Fife: One kiss on your jaw and we'd all be wearin' glasses.
Andy Taylor: Oh, now, come on, Barney. I mean...
Barney Fife: If she ever kissed you on the mouth, we'd all have to have our appendix taken out.
Andy Taylor: You're a nut.
Barney Fife: Well, you're a dear.

Andy Taylor: You make good sense.
Rafe Hollister: Huh?
Andy Taylor: Not lettin' that nurse give you that shot. I can see now where you was 100% right.
Rafe Hollister: You can?
Andy Taylor: Oh, yeah, yeah. I understand now why you're doin' it.
Rafe Hollister: You do?
Andy Taylor: Yeah. If you was to let her give you that shot, see, you'd be passin' up your chance for immortality.
Rafe Hollister: You dang right I would. Wha'z that mean?
Andy Taylor: Immortality? Oh, that means bein' famous like Columbus or George Washington or some of them.
Rafe Hollister: Huh?
Andy Taylor: Oh, well, see, they was famous. They was famous for-for doin' great deeds. And that's what you'll be, too. Yup. After you're dead.
Rafe Hollister: After I'm DEAD?

Andy Taylor: [having sung a sad song] Don't that clutch you?

Rafe Hollister: Andy, I don't wanna die!
Andy Taylor: But-but you'll be a dead hero.
Rafe Hollister: I don't wanna be a dead hero! I wanna be a live me!
Andy Taylor: Well, Rafe, maybe I had you figured wrong. When you refused to take the shot...
Rafe Hollister: WHO won't take the shot? I'll take the shot. You go fetch that county nurse.
Andy Taylor: Well, Rafe, are you sure? She's gonna jab ya.
Rafe Hollister: I don't care. My daddy lived to be a hundred, and I don't aim to break the tradition.
Andy Taylor: Well, all right. Too bad, though. You'd a made a fine statue.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Andy and the Gentleman Crook (#1.21)" (1961)
[Barney accidentally fires off his gun]
Andy Taylor: Barney, you promised me when I gave you that bullet you'd keep it in your shirt pocket. Now, why'd you take it out?
Barney Fife: Oh, I'm sorry, Andy. I... Doggone it, that bullet was turnin' green in my pocket. I thought it'd keep better in the gun.
Andy Taylor: Barney...
Barney Fife: And besides, I've already lost two bullets in the laundry.

Andy Taylor: Barney, I'd just tell you the truth, I'm scared to give you any more bullets. You come very near shooting yourself in the foot, and you know there ain't exactly much of a call for one-legged deputies.

Andy Taylor: Slow down, Barney. You're busier than a cow's tail in fly season.

Andy Taylor: Would you come out now, Deputy? That-that room happens to be a single.

Andy Taylor: Got quite a knack, I mean, the way you make friends so easy.
'Gentleman' Dan Caldwell: Oh, that's my business, Sheriff, making friends.
Andy Taylor: Seem to've made quite a few right here in Mayberry.
'Gentleman' Dan Caldwell: They're nice people, Sheriff. I'd like to do something for them.
Andy Taylor: Sure you wouldn't like for 'em to do somethin' for you?
'Gentleman' Dan Caldwell: Never know. You never know.

Andy Taylor: Uh, don't you... don't you wanna hear that story, Opie?
Opie Taylor: Not 'specially, Pa.
Andy Taylor: Well, is there, uh, is there another one that you 'druther hear?
Opie Taylor: Yeah.
Andy Taylor: Which one?
Opie Taylor: Do you know the one about the Kansas City Million Dollar Heist or The Toledo Payroll Caper?


"The Andy Griffith Show: Stranger in Town (#1.12)" (1960)
Andy Taylor: [on phone] Well, dadburnit, George, what's wrong with a stranger tryin' to buy your service station? It's for sale, ain't it?
[nods to Opie, who enters]
Andy Taylor: Well, what if he IS a little bit peculiar? What's that got to do with it? You just call me if he tries to give you any peculiar money.

Opie Taylor: I'm part peculiar, Pa.
Andy Taylor: Yeah. How'd you find THAT out?
Opie Taylor: Well, today my teacher, she said to me did I wash my neck this mornin', and I said I did, and she took a look and then she said, "Well, it looks mighty peculiar to me."

Andy Taylor: Am I right, or... or-or-or wrong? Uh, you... you never have been in Mayberry before, have you?
Ed Sawyer: No, never.
Andy Taylor: But you figure to be happy here?
Ed Sawyer: Are you kiddin'? Why shouldn't I be?
Andy Taylor: Oh, I... I don't know. Why should you be?
Ed Sawyer: Why, because Mayberry's my hometown. So long, Andy.

Barney Fife: And I still think he's some kind of a spy.
Andy Taylor: Oh, you do?
Barney Fife: Yes, I do.
Andy Taylor: And you figure somebody here in town is his contact, and maybe between 'em they're tryin' to figure out some of our secrets, like h-how we make possum pie, or how me make turnip jam... Laaa-aaaw! You DON'T reckin' he's here snoopin' around tryin' to find out how we make fried chicken and johnnycake, do you?

Andy Taylor: You believe folks will ever fly to the moon?
Ed Sawyer: Sure. I'm going there myself some day.
Andy Taylor: Boy, you're already there.

Andy Taylor: Folks like to take things slow. Some people don't even hold hands in public till they've had their seventh or eighth young'un.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Runaway Kid (#1.6)" (1960)
Opie Taylor: I'm a-drawin' on you, Sheriff. Draw.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Aw, why don't you turn yourself in peaceful-like, son? You'll get a fair trial.

Opie Taylor: Go on, pa. You gotta fall down and die.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, I'll tell you the truth, son. I just got other things to do. I'm just too blame busy to die right now.
Opie Taylor: Aw, shucks.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I'll die a little later on if I get the chance, though.

Opie Taylor: George is runnin' away from home to be a cowboy. He only wants to stay here until he figures out whether he wants to go to Texas or Wyomin'.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You mean his folks don't know?
Opie Taylor: Aw, pa, how can you run away from home if you're folks know.
Aunt Bee Taylor: Oh course. It kind of takes the starch out of the whole thing.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: I don't know why I am always gettin' my britches caught on my own pitchfork.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: Dadburnit, I'm a sheriff and I got my duty to do.
Deputy Barney Fife: Yeah. Oh... oh... where're you goin'?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Home to get permission from my son to do it.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: I once knew a horse that didn't even know how to fix a sore finger. Played a great guitar, but was nothin' with first aid.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Manhunt (#1.2)" (1960)
Opie Taylor: Pa, what kind of bait are you puttin' on my line?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Why, that's fish-catchin' bait. That's the idea, you know, to catch fish.
Opie Taylor: That looks more like a piece of ham from our lunch.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Is that right? Well, now, that's probably 'cause it's a piece of ham from our lunch.
Opie Taylor: Pa, you're s'posed to use fish bait.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, now, son, all them fish ever see down there all day long's other fish, and they get mighty sick of it, too. Now-now, don't it just stand to reason that they might just perk up at the sight of a piece of meat?

Deputy Barney Fife: You'll never guess what's happened. Something big.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, what is it?
Deputy Barney Fife: Biggest thing ever happened in Mayberry. REAL big. Big. BIG big.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, now-now just simmer down, Barney. What is it?
Deputy Barney Fife: Well, I'm tryin' to tell ya.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, so far, all I know is it's something big.
Deputy Barney Fife: Oh, "big" ain't the word for it.

Deputy Barney Fife: Andy, you can't let Otis go.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, I have to. His sentence is up.
Deputy Barney Fife: But he's the only prisoner we've got.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well?
Deputy Barney Fife: Well, what are the state police gonna think when they get here and find we got an empty jail? They gonna think this is just a hick town where nothin' ever happens.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, now, you got to admit that-that's about the size of it.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: You're guarding all the main roads.
Capt. Barker: [coldly] Something wrong with that?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, no, not if you expecting that criminal to come through here on the bus, but you got to give some thought to the idea that he might get sneaky about that thing, come down one of the side roads.

Deputy Barney Fife: He got the drop on me.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You mean he had a gun?
Deputy Barney Fife: Ugh... well... he has NOW.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: I'm dogged it don't make a fella feel right bad to get ten-foured right in the middle of a idea.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Beauty Contest (#1.16)" (1961)
Floyd Lawson: You know how we always do a pageant showing the founding of Mayberry? Well, how 'bout WITH that we also have a... beauty pageant?
Sam Lindsey: Beauty pageant. You mean with girls?
Andy Taylor: Uh, well they help.

Andy Taylor: Darlene, the kitchen's right through that door, if that's what you're gropin' for.

Opie Taylor: What's the matter with her, Pa?
Andy Taylor: Oh, I don't know, Opie. I guess she's just one of those girls that's got a peculiar hitch in her git-a-long.

Mayor Pike: My wife and I were just talking. "Andy's got to make a free, fair choice," we said.
Andy Taylor: Well, now, that's a breath of fresh air, I can tell you that.
Mayor Pike: You won't be getting any pressure from us, Andy. We don't care which of our three daughters you pick.
Andy Taylor: Well, now that leaves the field wide open, don't it?

Andy Taylor: Ah... folks, uh, in order to judge a beauty contest I-I think it's good to know what beauty really is. Now, they-they's outside beauty - I guess we can all see that, aheh - and then they's inside beauty.
Henrietta Swanson: Sheriff, are you gonna name the winner or not?
Andy Taylor: I-I'm goin' to, ma'am. I'm goin' to right now. Miss, uh, Bishop, would you bring up the robe please? Thank ya. Wait, wait, Miss Bishop, wait. Folks, to present to you the most logical choice, most obvious choice and in fact the only choice, I present to you her royal highness, Miss Mayberry... Miss Erma Bishop. For doin' such a beautiful job with this here pageant and just behavin' beautifully through the whole thing, I crown thee, Miss Mayberry.
[contestant losers all burst out crying, save one... ]
Ellie Walker: Andy, it WAS the best choice.
Andy Taylor: Well, maybe I better see if I can stop this cryin' jag.

Aunt Bee Taylor: Henrietta, why don't you sit down?
Andy Taylor: Well, yeah, you must be tired walkin' clear across town for a cup of sugar.
Henrietta Swanson: Oh, I NEVER get tired when I'm out walkin' with my award-winnin' daughter.
Aunt Bee Taylor: Award-winning?
Henrietta Swanson: She's been going to Miss Wellington's School for Girls... in Raleigh.
Andy Taylor: Ohhh!
Henrietta Swanson: [proudly] She was voted "Young Lady Most Likely to Become Charming."
Andy Taylor: Well, say now, becomin' charmin'. Now that IS something to look forward to, ain't it?
Henrietta Swanson: We think Miss Wellington's done WONDERS for Darlene. Do you know at the age of 19 she's lost all her baby fat?
Andy Taylor: I noticed that. I noticed that RIGHT off when she come in through the door there. I says to myself, I says, "That Darlene's knees ain't nearly as puffy as they used to be."


"The Andy Griffith Show: Wedding Bells for Aunt Bee (#2.26)" (1962)
Andy Taylor: I know it's Friday, Otis, but ain't you a little early?
Otis Campbell: Oh, I'm dead sober, Andy, but I s'pect I'll get over it.

Andy Taylor: Now, don't you worry. We'll get parasols stuck in your rice real soon.

Andy Taylor: That's generally the way it's handled. When somebody marries you, the polite thing to do is marry 'em right back.

Andy Taylor: You have to understand somethin', Aunt Bee. Among folks that love each other, like WE do, nothin' can be best for us unless it's best for you.

Opie Taylor: Gosh, Pa, did I say the wrong thing?
Andy Taylor: No, Ope. You's the only one that said the RIGHT thing.

Andy Taylor: I got a feelin' we just lost our discount at the cleanin' store.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Inspector (#1.26)" (1961)
Andy Taylor: Well, Barney, no use to get your skinny little veins to poppin'. It's just Sam Allen.

Ralph Case: Sheriff, I've inspected many a jail, but I've never seen one like this.
Andy Taylor: Why, thank ya.
Ralph Case: What I mean is, this jail doesn't even SEEM like a jail.
Andy Taylor: Well, now, I'm glad it hit cha that way. That's exactly the effect we was tryin' to achieve. Some of our prisoners have said that-that our cells are kinda like a home away from home.
Ralph Case: "Home away..."
Andy Taylor: Well, ya see, most of our prisoners are friends and neighbors and different ones like that, and, well, we figure that they've already met with some kind of misfortune somewhere else, and we don't wanna make it any more unpleasant for 'em than we can help.

Ralph Case: Sheriff Taylor, this is the worst excuse for a jail I've ever seen. I'd hate to think what would happen if something serious came up here. It would be chaotic, disastrous!
Andy Taylor: Well, there ain't no use thinkin' gloomy thoughts. Golly, look on the bright side.
Ralph Case: Well, we'll see if there IS a bright side. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna call my chief at the state capital and have him come down here and see THIS for himself.
Andy Taylor: Well, what for?
Ralph Case: To see whether or not I'm right in recommending that impeachment proceedings be started against you and your force. A sheriff's office should be run by the sheriff and his deputy, not the Katzenjammer Kids.

[while railing at Andy over taking their inspection seriously, Barney accidentally locks them both in their own jail cell]
Andy Taylor: Barney! You beat everything!

Andy Taylor: Now look here, Mr. Case, you can carry on and make threats against me all you want to, but you're scarin' my deputy half to death and I wished you'd just stop it.

Andy Taylor: Oh, uh, Mr. Case, whenever you make out your report, I surely would appreciate it if you didn't mention the doilies in our jail. Well, we wouldn't want the other sheriffs stealin' our decor.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Andy and Barney in the Big City (#2.25)" (1962)
[Barney picks up Andy's suitcase]
Andy Taylor: Uh, careful. There's a bottle in there.
Barney Fife: You thought of everything, didn't ya?

Aunt Bee Taylor: Oh, no, wait a moment! We almost forgot!
[exits to the kitchen]
Barney Fife: What'd she forget?
Andy Taylor: Well, I'll bet you a quarter she forgot a brown paper sack full of sandwiches. I never been on a trip in my life I didn't have to carry a brown paper sack full of sandwiches.

Hotel Clerk: [presenting room keys] Here you are, Mr. Taylor, and Mr. Fife. Excuse me - "Doctor" Fife.
Andy Taylor: "Doctor" Fire?
Hotel Clerk: [reading registration card] "Bernard Fife, M.D."
Andy Taylor: "M.D.?"
Barney Fife: That's the way I always sign. Bernard Fife, M.D.
Barney Fife: [pressured under Andy's gaze] "Mayberry Deputy."

Andy Taylor: Now, Barn, outside of that meetin' we got with the commissioner, we're-we're really off duty, you know?
Barney Fife: Off duty? Huh. Now, when is a lawman REALLY off duty?

Commissioner Hedges: Well, I'll submit these records to the budget department, Sheriff, but I must be perfectly honest with you. I think any chances of your getting new wquipment up our way are pretty slim. Not much happens up your way. Not very many arrests.
Andy Taylor: Uh, what you're sayin' is the only way we can get the equipment we need's to slow down our work a little and let the crime rate catch up to us. Is that it?

[Andy signals the maître d' to interpret the French menu]
Barney Fife: Don't do that, Andy. You'll embarrass me. He'll think you're just a plain hick.
Andy Taylor: Well, Barney, there's worse things than bein' a plain hick, like bein' a hungry one.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Barney and the Choir (#2.20)" (1962)
Andy Taylor: Aunt Bee, Barney's been singin' again. I don't know how he does it but he's got a knack of hittin' a note just enough off to make your skin crawl.

Thelma Lou: Barney's gonna be in the choir? My Barney?
Andy Taylor: That's right.
Thelma Lou: But Barney can't sing.
Andy Taylor: I know.
Thelma Lou: He's a warm, wonderful person - and I love him dearly - but he can't sing.
Andy Taylor: That's true.
Thelma Lou: He's kind, considerate, good-hearted, the most gentle person I've ever known, but he can't sing.
Andy Taylor: You're right.
Thelma Lou: He's the man I want to marry, the man I want to be the father of my children...
Andy Taylor: But he can't sing.
Thelma Lou: Not a lick!

John Masters: [on handling the Barney problem] Well, what do you suggest?
Andy Taylor: Maybe he'll fall down and break his mouth.

Andy Taylor: Thelma Lou, you and Barney come on over to the house tonight and together we'll try to think of some way to keep him from showing up at that concert.
Thelma Lou: Well, all right, but how?
Andy Taylor: Well, after supper, we'll... we'll take him in and set him down and talk to him, reason with him, explain it all to him, then we'll tie him up and put him in the closet.

Barney Fife: See, you've got a uvula, they've got a uvula, I got a uvula, all God's children got a uvula!
Andy Taylor: Hallelujah.

Andy Taylor: Hold it! Barney, you're supposed to be talking.
Barney Fife: Oh, it's no use, Andy. Can you tell a bird to talk? Can you tell a bird to just go chirp, chirp, chirp? No, Andy, I'm like a bird. I was born to sing.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The New Housekeeper (#1.1)" (1960)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Anybody here know why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace. I now pronounce you man...
Opie Taylor: I know why they shouldn't be married.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Opie, what're you tryin' to do?
Opie Taylor: I'm speakin' now so's I won't have to forever hold my peace.
Deputy Barney Fife: You're not supposed to speak.
Opie Taylor: Then why did he ask?

Deputy Barney Fife: Aw, shucks, Andy. I want to do good on this job. Even if it's just deliverin' messages, I wanna do it right.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, I know you do, and-and-and I admire your attitude.
Deputy Barney Fife: You see, Andy, I want the folks in this town to realize that you picked me to be your deputy because you, well, you looked over all the candidates for the job, and-and you judged their qualifications and their character and their ability, and you come to the fair, the just, and the honest conclusion that I was the best-suited for the job. An... and I wanna thank you, Cousin Andy.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You're welcome, Cousin Barney.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: [to Opie] And to think I's glad when you learned to talk.

Opie Taylor: Can I run away from home?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Uh... you... you want to run away from home? Well, now, uh, if-if-if that's what you got on your mind, well, you-you goin' about it all wrong.
Opie Taylor: I am?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Oh, yeah. You ain't supposed to ask your pa.
Opie Taylor: But you always said I should never go anyplace far without gettin' your permission.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, yeah, I know I did say that, but, uh, see-see, running away from home is a little special. See, what you do in a case like that is first you write a note SAYIN' that you're runnin' away, and then you do it.
Opie Taylor: You mean to tell me that's all there is to it?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: That's all.
Opie Taylor: But I don't know how to write.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: That does make a problem.

Opie Taylor: I want you to stay!
Aunt Bee Taylor: You do?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You mean it, Opie?
Opie Taylor: Sure!
Aunt Bee Taylor: Well, what changed your mind?
Opie Taylor: Well, if she goes, what'll happen to her? She doesn't know how to do anything - play ball, catch fish, or hunt frogs. She'll be helpless.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Farmer Takes a Wife (#2.13)" (1962)
Jeff Pruitt: No, for marryin', a fella wants a... a female type, you know, kinda soft and squishy-like. I figure the right place to find one of 'em's right here in town.
Andy Taylor: Oh, well, they ought to be a few answerin' that description around here.
Jeff Pruitt: Sure. Only need one. I figure I'll stick around town a couple days and look over the available stock and pick one and take her back to the farm.

Andy Taylor: You can't pick out a wife in just two days.
Jeff Pruitt: Why not?
Andy Taylor: Well, how you know you go'n' find one who wants to marry you that quick?
Jeff Pruitt: Well, I'm good-lookin', ain't I?
Andy Taylor: Well, yeah.
Jeff Pruitt: I'm strong enough to protect a woman, ain't I?
Andy Taylor: Well, sure.
Jeff Pruitt: Got one of the best farms in the county, ain't I?
Andy Taylor: Well, yeah.
Jeff Pruitt: Well, then, shouldn't take more'n two days.

Opie Taylor: [about Jeff Pruitt] Guess what I saw him doin'?
Andy Taylor: What?
Opie Taylor: Standin' on the corner, pickin' up girls.
Andy Taylor: What do you know about pickin' up girls?
Opie Taylor: Gosh, Pa, what's there to know. Whenever a girl walks by, he just picks her up and then sets her down and says, "'Scuse me, ma'am. Just checkin' your weight."

Andy Taylor: He's like a fella in a fancy restaurant. He wants to order somethin' but there's too much on the menu.

Barney Fife: I'm disappointed in you, Andy. I am REALLY disappoint... I have... I can't remember when I have been THIS disappointed in you.
Andy Taylor: What are you disappointed in me for?
Barney Fife: Well, why didn't you stop me?
Andy Taylor: I couldn't stop ya.
Barney Fife: That's right, that's right. Pass the buck.
Andy Taylor: Barney, I'm not passin' the buck. I'm just remindin' you of the facts, and the facts are: Jeff come to town, said he's lookin' for a bride, you said you'd help him, and the way you helped you took him over to Thelma Lou's, and that's how it all happened.
Barney Fife: Oh, why hash over ancient history?


"The Andy Griffith Show: Quiet Sam (#1.29)" (1961)
Barney Fife: Well, for my money, he's got all the facial characteristics of a criminal. You know, the... the narrow chin, and the eyes close together, and... slack jaw with a prominent overbite.
Andy Taylor: You know who that sounds like?
Barney Fife: Who?
Andy Taylor: You.

Opie Taylor: A penny hit by lightnin's worth six cents.
Andy Taylor: Who told you that?
Opie Taylor: Nat Pike told me.
Aunt Bee Taylor: Oh, Nat Pike is always telling Opie the craziest things.
Andy Taylor: And you believe him?
Opie Taylor: Sure!
Aunt Bee Taylor: Well, I wouldn't put much stock in what Nat Pike tells you.
Opie Taylor: Why not?
Aunt Bee Taylor: Well for one thing, he's only four years old.
Opie Taylor: He may be young, but he's been around plenty.

Barney Fife: Boy, you wouldn't notice a muddy elephant in the snow, would ya?
Andy Taylor: You tryin' to tell me Sam Becker's got a dirty elephant to his place?

Andy Taylor: Oh, boy. All this goin' on and I'm supposed to go back and shake doorknobs on a bunch of penny-ante stores.
Andy Taylor: Well, I'm sorry, Barney, but there's nothin' in the books that says it's illegal for a man to jump off his tractor and run up to his house.

Sam Becker: Why do babies pick such crazy hours to be born?
Andy Taylor: Well, I don't know. I guess they just ain't old enough to have watches yet.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Andy Saves Barney's Morale (#1.20)" (1961)
Andy Taylor: [entering the courthouse] Well, no wonder it's quiet in town. The whole population's in here.

Barney Fife: Well, he did willfully with malice aforethought throw a checkerboard full of checkers. Could've blinded somebody.
Andy Taylor: Well, now, seein' as how that's been going on between Chester and Old Jud here for around twenty years, that's more a part OF the peace than it is disturbin' the peace. Case dismissed, Jud. You can go on home.
Jud Fletcher: Thank ya, Andy. And thank you too, Barney.
Barney Fife: What for?
Jud Fletcher: Well, considering the kind of crime I done, for not tryin' to get me hung.

Otis Campbell: Drunk or sober, I can't tell very much without my glasses.
Andy Taylor: Well, were you drunk when Deputy Fife arrested you?
Otis Campbell: I can't tell. I wasn't wearin' my glasses.

Hilda Mae: It isn't right, Sheriff. Folks are really so fond of him.
Andy Taylor: Yeah, that's right. They are.
Hilda Mae: Sure. Everybody likes Barney. That's what makes it so bad. They don't realize they're hurtin' him. It's just a joke to them.
Andy Taylor: [getting an idea] Uh-huh. Well, now, that's probably because they've never thought about it quite that way before.

Andy Taylor: I tell you the truth, I'm surprised you didn't get to me, too.
Barney Fife: Uh, well, if you want to get technical about it...
Andy Taylor: Huh?
Barney Fife: Well, you could be reprimanded for being out of uniform. I mean, no tie and collar open, pants unpressed, not wearin' a revolver and gun belt, sleeves rolled up, your shoes...
[Andy holds up a hand for silence then marches himself off to his own jail cell]


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Bookie Barber (#2.28)" (1962)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You... you could put a sign in the window sayin' "Two Chairs - No Waitin'."
Floyd Lawson: Yeah, yeah, gee whiz... two chairs... and I got the magazines to swing it!

Opie Taylor: Pa, I don't wanna haircut. Those little hairs get down inside my shirt and they itch.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Take a bath and wash 'em off.
Opie Taylor: A bath! I have to take a bath, too?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: That's right.
Opie Taylor: This is turnin' out worse than I thought.

Barney Fife: [concerned about Floyd's cut of his sideburns] Andy.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Mm.
Barney Fife: Look at this.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Look at what?
Barney Fife: Can't ya see? They ain't even.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, I'll be dogged, you're right.
Barney Fife: Doggone, I knew it. I told him.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: One ear IS longer than the other.
Barney Fife: You're almost as funny as Floyd, you know that? Why don't you two team up and call yourselves Frick and Frack!

Sheriff Andy Taylor: Them fellas goin' into the barbershop there.
Barney Fife: What about 'em?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Ain't they the same three fellas we saw goin' in there yesterday about this time?
Barney Fife: Yeah, now that you mention it, they do look familiar.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Yeah. Don't that seem a little strange to you, customer goin' back to the barbershop the very next day?
Barney Fife: No.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: No?
Barney Fife: No. Didn't you ever hear of a person with a compelsion complex.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: A what?
Barney Fife: Compelsion complex, you know, like when folks gotta be a washin' their hands all day long - that's a hand-washin' compelsion. Well, what you're lookin' at there, that's a case of hair-cuttin' compelsion.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: All three of 'em?
Barney Fife: Well, all three of 'em's got the compelsion. Listen, you find compelsion nuts all over.

Aunt Bee Taylor: [having heard from Sarah, the town switchboard operator, about Bill Medwin's "girlfriends"] Well, I don't know what kind of girls they are, but from their names they sound like chorus girls or such. Tiger Lil, Brown-eyed Mary, Lindy Lou.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: They are kind of strange names, for a fact.
Aunt Bee Taylor: And they stay up lates, too. Something Sarah said about Tiger Lil not coming home until ten to one, and Brown-eyed Mary not till eight to five.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Kind of an odd time.
Aunt Bee Taylor: And that's not the worst. Lindy Lou didn't show at all. Don't know how he could stand it. She was supposed to go to his place and she didn't even show.


"The Andy Griffith Show: A Medal for Opie (#2.19)" (1962)
[Barney talks about training Opie]
Opie Taylor: You mean you're gonna make me one big muscle, too?
Barney Fife: Yeah.
Andy Taylor: Uh, 'cept in your case, we'll try to stop at the neck.
Barney Fife: [irritated] That's very comical, Andy, only comicalness don't win no medals.

Andy Taylor: [finding Barney on the ground about to show Opie a leg muscle exercise] Uh, what's the matter, Barney? Too many green apples?

Opie Taylor: They don't give you no medal for tryin'.
Andy Taylor: I know that. I know they don't - and it's nice to win something. It's real nice to win something, but it's more important to know how NOT to win something.
Opie Taylor: I know how to do that real good.
Andy Taylor: No, you don't.
Opie Taylor: You mean there's more things I coulda not won?
Andy Taylor: I mean, you coulda been a nice loser. They call it sportsmanship.

Andy Taylor: You got to learn how to take disappointment. There could be more of 'em comin' up, you know. You come up smilin', you're a good loser. The other way's bein' a bad loser. Now what do you wanna be?
Opie Taylor: A good winner.

Andy Taylor: It don't take courage to be a winner. It DOES take courage to be a good loser. Now, you wanna be a good loser, you'll be proud of your friends that DID win and you'll congratulate 'em for it.
Opie Taylor: I won't.
Andy Taylor: You won't?
Opie Taylor: They ain't my friends. They beat me and they got my medal.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Ellie Comes to Town (#1.4)" (1960)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Oh, I'll say one thing you, Emma. When you have a pain, it really goes places.

Emma Brand: Aye, Sheriff, I come to report a murder.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: A murder?
Emma Brand: That's right.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Somebody's been murdered?
Emma Brand: Yes.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Who.
Emma Brand: Me!
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You?
Emma Brand: Yes, and I'll tell you who done it! That lady druggist, that's who!
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Miss, uh, Miss Walker?
Emma Brand: She's the one. Now, Sheriff, go arrest her. Do your duty.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, now, Emma, they's... they's just the teensiest little technicality involved here. You ain't quite dead yet.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: Bad, BAD Sheriff!

Sheriff Andy Taylor: Poor old soul, she's started to walk crooked.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Perfect Female (#2.8)" (1961)
[Barney's smooth ploy to get Andy over to the coffee shop has so far not worked]
Barney Fife: [anxiously] Andy, let's go over to the coffee shop and have a cup of coffee.
Andy Taylor: Well, why?
Barney Fife: [exploding] TO MEET THELMA LOU'S COUSIN FROM ARKANSAS, THAT'S WHY!
Andy Taylor: What?
Barney Fife: THELMA LOU'S GOT THIS COUSIN IN TOWN, SHE'S FROM ARKANSAS, AND I PROMISED THELMA LOU I'D GET YOU TO THE COFFEE SHOP TO MEET HER AT 3:00 AND, IF I DON'T, THELMA LOU'S GONNA BE MAD AT ME.
Andy Taylor: Oh. Okay.
[Andy starts to head out]
Barney Fife: NOW, LOOK, ANDY, IT AIN'T OFTEN I ASK YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR, BUT THE ONE TIME I DO, YOU'D THINK YOU'D BE A LITTLE MORE COOPERATIVE. ALL I ASK IS A SIMPLE THING LIKE THAT... Where're you goin'?
Andy Taylor: Over to the coffee shop to meet Thelma Lou's cousin from Arkansas. You comin'?

Andy Taylor: Barney's about as subtle as a pig squealin' for his supper.

Andy Taylor: Do you think we ought to get married before or after the coffee?
Karen Moore: Well, I believe in long engagements myself, so let's make it after.

Karen Moore: But, do you know something, Andy? I don't think I really and truly know all there is to know about you. Let's see, now - you do like music.
Andy Taylor: Well, I...
Karen Moore: Well, do you like opera, modern, classical?
Andy Taylor: I can't... I couldn't...
Karen Moore: And books. Do you like fiction of non-fiction. Who's your favorite American author?
Andy Taylor: I, uh...
Karen Moore: Oh, and please just tell me one thing: do you think you could ever make a livin' at anything besides sheriffin'? I... I hope you don't mind my askin' you all these questions, but you see these are things I really and truly have to know so I can evaluate you properly. You know, "pass muster."
Barney Fife: Now just a minute! What are you tryin' to do here?
Karen Moore: Well, it's all very simple. When Mr. Taylor gave me the thrill and honor of okaying me as worthy of his attentions, I thought it would be awfully nice if I could award him the same thrill. I'll tell you, Mr. Taylor, I'll consider all of your qualities and I'll let you know if you made the grade.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Merchant of Mayberry (#2.22)" (1962)
Andy Taylor: Whadda ya... whadda ya sellin' these days, Bert? Anything?
Bert Miller: Oh, this and that.
Andy Taylor: Well, like what.
Bert Miller: Oh, first one thing, then another.
Andy Taylor: Well, what's in the suitcase?
Bert Miller: Different things.
Barney Fife: For Pete's sake, Bert. Open it up. We might buy somethin' off of ya.
Bert Miller: Oh, you probably don't need nothin' no way, and I don't wanna appear pushy.
Andy Taylor: [chuckles] Oh, nobody'll ever accuse you of that, Bert. Now-now, what's in the suitcase? Show us.

Aunt Bee Taylor: [to Bert] What have you got in your suitcase?
Andy Taylor: [imitating Bert's style] Oh, he's got, first, one thing, then another in there, Aunt Bee.
Barney Fife: [joining in] What about different things?
Andy Taylor: I forgot different things, and a whole lot of this 'n' that.
Barney Fife: Oh, I don't know. I think Aunt Bee'd like one thing and another.
Andy Taylor: Hard to tell - either that or different things.
Barney Fife: Yeah.
Aunt Bee Taylor: What're you talking about?
Andy Taylor: Now look here, Aunt Bee, it's either gonna be socks, razor blades, or first one thing and then another. Now, we ain't got time to stand around here while you make up your mind. We're busy.

Andy Taylor: There's one thing I can't stand's a pushy sheriff.

Andy Taylor: [mockingly] Ben, you know you're smart. You're smart to make people believe that you're a skinflint and a mean, old tightwad, 'cause if they ever found out how sweet and kind you really are, they'd take advantage of ya.
Ben Weaver: [darkly] You'll be sorry.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Deputy Otis (#2.31)" (1962)
Barney Fife: Well, what kind of a job can you give to Otis? Well, he's irresponsible, he's careless, he's unreliable.
Andy Taylor: I'll make him a deputy.

Andy Taylor: Well, Otis ain't a bad fella. He's one'a the nicest fellas I know, always willin' to help out a neighbor, generous, and, for his drinkin', we don't lock him up 'cause he's botherin' anybody. It's so's he won't hurt himself. In a way, that drinkin' does a good service for the town. Otis laps it up so fast, the other folks can't get to it.

Andy Taylor: You may not believe it, but sometimes Otis stays around that jail twenty-four, forty-eight hours straight without leavin'.
Ralph Campbell: He does, does he?
Andy Taylor: Oh, yeah, yeah. You take this mornin'. Me and Barney - that's my other deputy - we come down to the jailhouse bright and early. Don't you think Otis was already there ahead of us.

Ralph Campbell: Well, whadda you do mostly, Otis
Andy Taylor: Oh, uh, we... we all have our, uh, little jobs on the force. Uh, Otis' specialty is trackin' down stills.
Ralph Campbell: Stills?
Andy Taylor: Yeah, yeah. The minute, the minute anyone starts makin' moonshine around this area, Otis sniffs 'em right out. And then you know what he does? He goes right down there where they're makin' the stuff and brings it all back right by hisself, don't ya, Otis?
Otis Campbell: Well, yeah. I did that just last night, didn't I?


"The Andy Griffith Show: Crime-Free Mayberry (#2.7)" (1961)
Barney Fife: [Barney, writing a song to the tune of Clementine, doesn't know Andy is standing behind him] In a jailhouse down in Dixie / Fightin' crime and riskin' life / Dwelled a sheriff and his buddy / Pistol-packing Barny Fife. / Oh my darin', oh my darin' / Oh my darin' Barney Fife / He's a deadly crime stopper / What a copper, Barney Fife. / Then one day there came a ridin'/ Two bad men to rob a bank / But Fife was tricky, a deadeye dickie/ Now they're locked up in the tank...
Andy Taylor: Oh my Barney, oh my Barney / Had a jail and couldn't lock it / Had one bullet for his pistol / Had to keep it in his pocket.

Fred Jenkins: Now, the chief has sent me down here to observe firsthand just how you achieved this wonderful record.
Andy Taylor: Well, first-off, I think the credit ought to go where it rightfully belongs.
Barney Fife: Oh, now, Andy, you had just as much to do with it as I did.

Margaret Williamson: [a reporter, not realizing she's walked into a fishing story rather than a police story] Well, you were just sayin' "Mr. Carp, you have met your match."
Andy Taylor: Oh, yes. Well, old carp, he didn't think so.
Margaret Williamson: No?
Andy Taylor: No, no. The closter I come to pullin' him in, well, the scrappier he got. Well, finally I just reached down and picked up a axe and, wham, right between the eyes.
Margaret Williamson: [incredulously] You struck him with an ax?
Andy Taylor: The blunt side, to stun him.
Floyd Lawson: Oh, they're tough, those carps, hoo-hoo. Oh, I tell you.
Margaret Williamson: What'd you do then?
Andy Taylor: I strung him up and had my picture took with him.
Margaret Williamson: You strung him up right then and there?
Andy Taylor: Well, yes, ma'am. There was a big oak tree with a... with a good stout limb - oh, I reckon seven/eight feet off the ground - and I throwed a rope acrossed it and-and pulled him up, and Barney - that's my deputy - he took my picture standing beside of him grinnin' from ear to ear. It took me about all the strength I had to pull that carp up where he cleared the ground.
Floyd Lawson: Yeah. Oh, they're BIG, those carps.
Andy Taylor: Yeah.
Margaret Williamson: I can't believe it.
Andy Taylor: Well, I got a picture here...
Margaret Williamson: Oh, no, no, PLEASE. You killed him?
Andy Taylor: Well, yes, ma'am. Round these parts we figure we're doin' folks a favor when we kill a carp. They're a awful nuisance.

Barney Fife: They're written a folksong about us!
Andy Taylor: [reading the town paper] "The Ballad of Andy and Barney or the Gangsters' Mistake." If that ain't the most ridiculous thing I ever...
Barney Fife: Oh, no, no, no. Wait a minute, now. It's not too bad. Try it from the top. The tune is like "Frankie and Johnny."
Andy Taylor: What foolishness will they think of next?
Barney Fife: Go ahead.
Andy Taylor: Mm. "Andy and Barney were lawmen / Bravest you ever did see / Warned every crook in the record book / To stay out of Mayber-ry / They were the law."
Barney Fife: [joining in] "Yes, they were the law."
Barney Fife, Andy Taylor: "... And they didn't know fear."
Andy Taylor: Throw that thing in the trash.
Barney Fife: Now, wait a minute, Andy. It gets better in the second verse. Listen to this: "Pretty Boy Floyd com a-ridin' / Dillinger, too, big as life / They weren't alone - there was Al Capone / And in back of Mack the Knife / They broke the law..."
Andy Taylor: Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, hold it!
Barney Fife: What's the matter?
Andy Taylor: Whoever wrote that did it for a joke.
Barney Fife: I did not!


"The Andy Griffith Show: Aunt Bee the Warden (#2.23)" (1962)
Barney Fife: Great work, chief. Who are they? What'd you get 'em on? 502? 626? 308? Want me to send out an "APB"?
Andy Taylor: "All Points Bulletin", Barney? They're already here. They're captured.

Barney Fife: Sure is good to be doin' a capacity business, huh, Sheriff? Both these babies filled up.
Andy Taylor: Well, I'll tell you the truth, I'd as soon see them cells empty, that way we now law and order's bein' observed.

Otis Campbell: Andy, you GOTTA get me outta this. She's about to work me to death.
Andy Taylor: Aunt Bee?
Otis Campbell: Aunt Bee? Bloody Mary.

Billy Gordon: What're we stoppin' here for?
Ike Gordon: Ain't this your house, Sheriff?
Andy Taylor: That's right. We figured this would be a better place to rehabilitate you.
Billy Gordon: Oh, no. We heard about this place. It's The Rock!


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Education of Ernest T. Bass (#5.4)" (1964)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Ernest T. Bass, what are you doin' here? How'd you get outta jail?
Ernest T. Bass: [chuckling] Irritatin', ain't it.

Ernest T. Bass: I'm no account, Andy. I'm no-count.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You're not no-count, Earnest. You're just... ignorant, that's all.
Ernest T. Bass: Aw, you're being kind.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: I just don't know what to do. I can't put him in jail, he keeps breakin' out. I can't make him understand he's got to leave Helen alone. I don't know what to do with him.
Deputy Barney Fife: Well, you won't listen to me - you won't listen to your old dad. All I have to do is give him a couple of karate chops, flip him into a corner, and he'd get up and head back for the mountains, never to be seen again.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: He'd kill you.
[Barney looking annoyed]
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, the easiest way is to satisfy him - he wants an education, we'll give him an education. We'll fix him up with a diploma and everything.
Deputy Barney Fife: I still say, five minutes behind the barn!
Helen Crump: He'd kill you.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: Now, here, here is a map of the United States.
Ernest T. Bass: "United States."
Sheriff Andy Taylor: That's right. Now the United States is bounded on the north by Canada, on the south by Mexico, on the east by the Atlantic Ocean, and on the west by - uh, would, uh, you happen to know that?
Ernest T. Bass: [thinks] Old Man Kelsey's woods!
Sheriff Andy Taylor: No. All the way to the edge - big body of water.
Ernest T. Bass: Old Man Kelsey's crick!
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Ocean.
Ernest T. Bass: Old Man Kelsey's ocean!
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Pacific Ocean.
Ernest T. Bass: "Pacific Ocean!"
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Very good, very good.
Ernest T. Bass: Yeah, I sure know my boundaries good, don't I?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You sure do.
Ernest T. Bass: [frowns] Just as long as they don't change 'em 'fore I take my test.


"The Andy Griffith Show: A Plaque for Mayberry (#1.25)" (1961)
Andy Taylor: Well, Barney, I believe a sobriety test is given to a prisoner when you first bring him in. Now, you ought to have done that to Otis last night.
Barney Fife: Aw, Andy, you know we couldn't have given a sobriety test to Otis last night.
Andy Taylor: Well, why not?
Barney Fife: He was too drunk.

Barney Fife: Now, this is a chart of Nathan Tibb's family tree.
Andy Taylor: Where'd you get this?
Barney Fife: Over at the library.
Andy Taylor: You mean, this whole thing was in the library?
Barney Fife: Well, not the whole thing. Just the start of it. The rest I deduced.
Andy Taylor: Oh, you deduced?
Barney Fife: Yeah. It deduces right out to me. Me, Barney Fife. I almost started to cry right in the library.

Mayor Pike: I specifically asked you to get us a substitute for him, but you didn't! You got HIM.
Andy Taylor: You did, and I didn't, but I did.
Mayor Pike: How could you do it?
Barney Fife: Well, he did.
Mayor Pike: You didn't.
Andy Taylor: I did.
Mayor Pike: How?
Andy Taylor: I just did.

Barney Fife: You s'pose we ought to put a plaque in that cell there - "Otis Campbell slept here?"
Andy Taylor: "Slept it off here"'d be more like it.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Barney's Sidecar (#4.16)" (1964)
Barney Fife: [Walks in wearing helmet, leather gloves, and a leather jacket] Mounted patrol checking in.
Andy Taylor: How are you Baron Von Richthofen?

Barney Fife: If you ride with your mouth open in the wind and put your tongue against the roof of your mouth, its impossible to pronounce a word that begins with the letter 's'.
Andy Taylor: You didn't let anyone see you riding with your mouth open?

Andy Taylor: [Andy has just sent Opie home, along with his wood burning kit and project, as Barney comes in the door] Hi Barn.
Andy Taylor: [Barney then drops a pair of goggles, a pair of leather gloves and a motorcycle helmet onto Andy's desk] . I just got rid of Opie and his toys now here you come with yours.

Opie Taylor: Abyssinia
Andy Taylor: Samoa


"The Andy Griffith Show: Three's a Crowd (#2.27)" (1962)
Andy Taylor: They's somp'in' I wanna talk to you about.
Barney Fife: Yeah?
Andy Taylor: You know, for about a week now, we been spendin' a lot of time together, right?
Barney Fife: Yeah.
Andy Taylor: I mean, it's been Mary and me and you and Thelma Lou or... Mary and me and you, and, uh, well, I was thinkin'...
Barney Fife: Yeah?
Andy Taylor: Don't you think we ought to spend some time alone? D'you, uh... Do you understand?
Barney Fife: Well, sure, I understand, Andy. Of course.
Barney Fife: [picks up telephone] Sarah, uh, get me 2-4-7.
Barney Fife: [to Andy] You should have mentioned this sooner.
Barney Fife: [on phone] Uh, Thelma Lou? Barn. H'yeah. Uh, listen, we can't make it over to Mary's tonight. Uh, Andy and I wanna spend some time alone.

Andy Taylor: No, Barn. That's... that's not what I had in mind. That's not what I had in mind at aaaaaaall.

Andy Taylor: Everybody sure is in a jaw-kissin' mood today.

Andy Taylor: Phantom Fife strikes again.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Aunt Bee's Medicine Man (#3.24)" (1963)
Colonel Harvey: [Trying to give Andy a bottle of elixir on the house] It's good for what ails you!
Andy Taylor: I feel fine.
Colonel Harvey: [pityingly] None so blind as those who cannot see...

Andy Taylor: [Explaining about the elixir] Some call it hooch, booze, Old Redeye... in other words, ladies, you got gassed!

Andy Taylor: [When Colonel Harvey insists he just wants to help people] I suppose there IS a great need.
Colonel Harvey: Sheriff, if you only knew. If you only knew...

Barney Fife: Andy, I hate to say this, but...
Andy Taylor: You don't have to.
Barney Fife: If it was anybody else, I'd say she was tiddly!
Andy Taylor: If it was anybody else, you'd be right. But she won't even let a fruitcake in the house, on account of a brother she had.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Those Gossipin' Men (#1.15)" (1961)
Andy Taylor: Mornin', ladies. My goodness, don't you look happy. Must be cuttin' somebody up pretty good.

Aunt Bee Taylor: According to you, the Lord made two sexes - men and blabbermouths.
Andy Taylor: That was well put, Aunt Bee. Well put.

Emma Brand: I suppose you're not capable of gossiping.
Andy Taylor: Oh-oh, I guess we're capable all right, but somehow or another it just don't come as natural to us as it does to you all.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Barney on the Rebound (#2.5)" (1961)
Andy Taylor: Thelma Lou got a mad on at you, has she?
Barney Fife: Andy, what is it with women. They got some kind of a rule they can't be happy unless they're causin' trouble?

Opie Taylor: What does that mean, Pa?
Andy Taylor: What's what mean?
Opie Taylor: "Passed the hand-holding stage and ready to set the date."
Andy Taylor: Means they're ready to set the date for the wedding.
Opie Taylor: But I thought Barney HAD a girl - Thelma Lou.
Andy Taylor: He does. This is somebody else.
Opie Taylor: Well, what does he need two of 'em for?
Andy Taylor: [flatly] He doesn't.

Andy Taylor: Oh, that's nice. Little sugar on the jaw.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Andy Forecloses (#1.28)" (1961)
Rummage Sale Customer: Uh, how much is this?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Oh, 'bout three dollars.
Rummage Sale Customer: What you suppose it is?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: If I knew that it'd cost you five.
Rummage Sale Customer: Sounds like a bargain.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Heh, yeah... yeah, one of these is nice to have.
Rummage Sale Customer: I always wanted one.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Yeah.

Andy Taylor: [after Ben leaves] Now, there's a man that's got everything. He's not only got all the money in town, he's got all the meanness, too.

Andy Taylor: You know, I just can't believe that anybody could be as mean as Ben Weaver's makin' out.
Barney Fife: He sure got me convinced.
Andy Taylor: [an idea] Well, maybe he just don't see how mean he really is.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Alcohol and Old Lace (#1.17)" (1961)
Andy Taylor: Well, now, Barney, I doubt that Otis is goin' to do any talkin'. He seems mighty set on not helpin' us.
Otis Campbell: I wished I could, Andy, but it's a matter of ethics. Us town drunks have a code we live by.

Andy Taylor: Oh, ladies, you certainly have been naughty.

Andy Taylor: Well, I guess it's all right to have a little taste. After all, it IS National Still Smashin' Day.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Andy the Matchmaker (#1.7)" (1960)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Now, you can't be serious about resignin'. What in the world will you do?
Deputy Barney Fife: Oh, I-I don't know. I could go up to the pickle factory. They always need a brine tester.

Deputy Barney Fife: [about the limerick] It makes out like I-I-I never wanted to catch crooks - and that just ain't so. I'd catch 'em in a minute, but how'm I gonna catch 'em if there ain't any, for heaven's sake? If only somebody would just commit a crime - one good crime! If only somebody'd just... kill somebody.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: [shocked] Barney!
Deputy Barney Fife: Oh, I don't mean anybody we know.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: Uh, Opie, Barney says there was a poem written on the wall of the bank and that you was standin' along beside of it with a piece of chalk in your hand.
Opie Taylor: Yeah, but I didn't do it, pa. Honest.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I believe you.
Deputy Barney Fife: [angrily] Are you pittin' your crime detectin' judgement against mine?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, Barney, I have to, because, for one thing, Opie wouldn't lie to me.
Deputy Barney Fife: You call that evidence?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: And for another, he ain't learned how to write yet.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Rafe Hollister Sings (#3.20)" (1963)
Andy Taylor: [seeing how many musical terms Barney actually knows] What would you do if they asked you to sing a capella?
Barney Fife: Well, I'd DO it!
[to the tune of "La Cucaracha"]
Barney Fife: A capella, a capella...

Rafe Hollister: I hate to butt in, Barney, but that ain't how it goes.
Andy Taylor: [Agrees] Your endearin' wasn't too charmin', Barn.

Mrs. Dennis: What a wonderful Idea, having him dress like that. It made his selection so much more authentic. Mr. Hollister, will you favor us with another selection?
Rafe Hollister: Want to, Andy?
Andy Taylor: Why not?
[Starts playing his guitar]


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Guitar Player (#1.3)" (1960)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Jim?
Jim Lindsey: Hm?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Why in the world don't you do somethin' about yourself?
Jim Lindsey: What do you mean, Andy?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, you got a fine talent there. You're the best guitar player I ever heard.
Jim Lindsey: Well, that's mighty nice of you, Andy... but Mayberry ain't very big.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, now, who says you got to stay in Mayberry? You heard all these fellas that come through here playin' in the shows. How 'bout that fella we see every now and then on television, a'shakin' and a'screamin' - sounds like somebody's beatin' his dog. You're better than all of them.
Jim Lindsey: Well, now, I wouldn't say that.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, yes, you are, too.

[Shortly after Sheriff Taylor arrests Jim Lindsey, they jam together on guitars in the jailhouse]
Sheriff Andy Taylor: [singing solo as they play] Ridin' on that new river train. Ridin' on that new river train. Same old train that brought me here gonna take me back again.
[Andy and Jim play through an instrumental passage]
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Darlin', you can't love one. Darlin', you can't love one. Can't love one and have any fun. Oh, darlin', you can't love one.
[Deputy Barney Fife enters the jailhouse during a second instrumental passage]
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Sing, Barney.
Sheriff Andy Taylor, Deputy Barney Fife: [together, as Jim and Andy continue to play] Ridin' on that new river train. Ridin on that new river train. Same old train that brought me here gonna take me home again.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: One more.
Sheriff Andy Taylor, Deputy Barney Fife: [Andy and Barney sing together as song concludes with Andy and Jim on their guitars] Ridin' on that new river train. Ridin' on that new river train. Same old train that brought me here gonna take me back again.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: [Bobby Fleet and his band members, arrested off screen, now stand at Andy's desk] Guilty as charged. That'll be twenty dollars or 24 hours in jail.
Bobby Fleet: [quickly spoken, in frustration] Twenty fish for a crummy parking rap?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, we try to keep it low for the first offense.
Bobby Fleet: Yeah, and how much of the twenty do you stick in your own kick?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Ohh, I wished you hadn't a said that. I mean, I don't mind an insult personally but, why, you've offended the dignity of my robes. Now, let's see... what is our price for robe dignity offendin'? Why, that's $50.
Bobby Fleet: [quickly spoken, in frustration] $50?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Yeah, plus the twenty, that's seventy altogether.
Bobby Fleet: Aw, come on now! Now, look Sheriff, there's no reason to get hot under the collar over this. I mean, uh, you've got your job to do, and I've got mine. Now, uhh... Oh, that reminds me. We're gonna be playin' at the capitol over the weekend. Now, how would you and your fine deputy here like to come and see us, huh? I'll see that you have a big time. Oh, you'll be my guests, of course.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Ohhh. Now, you have REALLY done it.
Bobby Fleet: [spoken very quickly, in exasperation] What, what, what, what, what?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, you just tried to bribe me is all. That's the worst thing anybody can do. I hate to tell you what the fine is on that.
Bobby Fleet: Never mind. I don't care what the fine is. I'm not gonna pay it.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Oh, you mean you'll take the 24 hours?
Bobby Fleet: That's just what I mean. No hick Sheriff is gonna bleed me. We'll all stay overnight.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, that's the way it'll be then.
[Andy bangs his gavel, closing the case]
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Deputy, lock up the prisoners.
Deputy Barney Fife: Glad to! All right, let's move it along! Come on, on the double there! Come on, let's look sharp! Look sharp! Come on, get in there. And suck in that gut!


"The Andy Griffith Show: Ellie for Council (#1.10)" (1960)
Andy Taylor: Ohhh, did that bad-tasting word slip out again?

Otis Campbell: No. No-no. No, Andy. Don't never apologize to a woman. I say, if you got an argument with a woman, stand up and fight it out.
Andy Taylor: Well, fightin' it out's what put you behind them bars, Otis.
Otis Campbell: But she threw a dish at me.
Andy Taylor: Well, you swung a leg of lamb at HER.
Otis Campbell: But I missed her.
Andy Taylor: Yeah, but cha hit her mother.
Otis Campbell: [in fond remembrance] Yeah. Right in the mouth.

Opie Taylor: We won! We beat them females! We kept 'em in their place.
Andy Taylor: Yeah, well, wait just a minute.
Opie Taylor: Us menfolks don't want women running our town, do we, Pa?


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Lucky Letter (#5.19)" (1965)
Deputy Barney Fife: I am not superstitious and who says I believe in chain letters; I just don't mess around with them that's all.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Superstition!
Deputy Barney Fife: Now here's where we come to a matter of terms; you call it superstition, I call it caution!

Sheriff Andy Taylor: Hey, Barn, does the number 13 bother you?
Deputy Barney Fife: I'm not crazy about it but it don't bother me.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: What are you gonna do tonight?
Deputy Barney Fife: Nothing! Sit around in my room; not much can happen to me there.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Darlings Are Coming (#3.25)" (1963)
Andy Taylor: Well, I caught him earlier on a 10-17.
John Masters: Dipping a hat in a horse trough?
Andy Taylor: Yeah.

Aunt Bee Taylor: Did you like the white beans you had for supper?
Andy Taylor: Mm-hmm.
Aunt Bee Taylor: Well, you didn't say anything.
Andy Taylor: Well, I ate four bowls. If that ain't a tribute to white beans, I don't know what is.
Aunt Bee Taylor: Well...
Andy Taylor: Eatin' speaks louder than words.
Aunt Bee Taylor: You know, your education was worth every penny of it.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Cousin Virgil (#2.30)" (1962)
Andy Taylor: Yeah, I always like a good crab joke.

Andy Taylor: Congratulations, Barney. You did it again.


"The Andy Griffith Show: A Feud Is a Feud (#1.9)" (1960)
Andy Taylor: Goodbye, goodbye. Partin' is such sweet sorrow that I would say goodbye till it be morrow.
Opie Taylor: What's THAT mean?
Andy Taylor: Well, that means I'd love to set and jaw with ya awhile longer, but I got to be a-movin' on.

Andy Taylor: Now, you know how folks in these parts feel about their feudin'. Now what if it was to get out that we had a eighty-seven-year-old feud a-goin' on here with nary a killin' to show for it? Why, we'd be the laughingstock of the state.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Manicurist (#2.16)" (1962)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Nature's been good to you. I mean real, real, real good. I-I can't remember when I've seen nature spend as much time on any one person.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: It won't take her long to find out there's no work for her. I'll give her twenty-four hours - but while she's here she sure is pretty to look at, ain't she? Yeah? Kinda like a calendar come to life.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Opie's Hobo Friend (#2.6)" (1961)
David Browne: You know, I've grown awful fond of that young fellow. What's wrong?
Andy Taylor: Well, there seems to be something wrong with his thinkin'. He's gotten a little twisted on things lately, like bein' able to tell the difference between right and wrong.
David Browne: Oh.
Andy Taylor: Not that that's an easy thing. A lot of grownups still strugglin' with that same problem, but 'specially difficult for a youngster, 'cause things rub off on 'em so easy.

David Browne: Well, Sheriff, maybe I do look at things differently than other people. Is that wrong? I live by my wits. I'm not above bending the law now and then to keep clothes on my back or food in my stomach. I live the kind of life that other people would just love to live if they only had the courage. Who's to say that the boy would be happier your way or mine? Why not let him decide?
Andy Taylor: Nah, I'm afraid it don't work that way. You can't let a young 'un decide for himself. He'll grab at the first flashy thing with shiny ribbons on it, then when he finds out there's a hook in it, it's too late. The wrong ideas come packaged with so much glitter it's hard to convince him that other things might be better in the long run, and all a parent can do is say, "Wait. Trust me," and try to keep temptation away.


"The Andy Griffith Show: TV or Not TV (#5.23)" (1965)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Oh, I don't carry a gun, but my deputies do.

Andy Taylor: When a man carries a gun all the time, the respect he thinks he's gettin' might really be fear. So I don't carry a gun because I don't want the people of Mayberry to fear a gun. I'd rather they would respect me.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Bringing Up Opie (#1.32)" (1961)
Andy Taylor: Now, the fine is two dollars or twenty-four hours. Now, what'll it be?
Otis Campbell: Andy, you know I always take the twenty-four hours. I wouldn't waste two dollars on somethin' that didn't have a cork in it.

Opie Taylor: Oh-oh.
Andy Taylor: What's the matter?
Opie Taylor: Every time grown-ups think of something for your good, it turns out to be not so good.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Sermon for Today (#4.4)" (1963)
Barney Fife: Yeah, we really packed it away.
Andy Taylor: Yeah, boy.
Barney Fife: Fortunately, none of mine goes to fat. All goes to muscle.
Andy Taylor: Mmm.
Barney Fife: It's a mark of us Fifes. Everything we eat goes to muscle.
[pats stomach]
Barney Fife: See there?

Aunt Bee Taylor: Oh, Dr. Breen, your sermon has such a wonderful lesson for us.
Andy Taylor: Yes, sir, you really hit the nail right on the head there.
Barney Fife: Yes, sir, that's one subject you just can't talk enough about... SIN.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Loaded Goat (#3.18)" (1963)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Somewhere wandering loose around Mayberry is... A loaded goat.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: You WOULD show up today, Otis! About one loaded goat at a time's all we can handle!


"The Andy Griffith Show: Opie and the Bully (#2.1)" (1961)
Andy Taylor: I don't want him to be the kind of boy lookin' for fights, but I don't want him to run from one when he's in the right.

Opie Taylor: [handing over a bundle of clothes] Would you take this down to the courthouse and hold it there for me?
Andy Taylor: Well, I guess I could. Ch'oo want me to do that for?
Opie Taylor: Well, if somethin' was to happen that got my clothes tore and messy, I figured I could go over to the courthouse and change so's Aunt Bee won't know about it.
Andy Taylor: Oh, I see.
Opie Taylor: You know how she is when a fella gets his clothes tore and messy.
Andy Taylor: She sure does kick up a fuss, don't she?
Opie Taylor: She sure does.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Guitar Player Returns (#1.31)" (1961)
Jim Lindsey: What'd you expect me to do, come back to my own hometown and say "Come on, folks, come look at your hometown failure."
Andy Taylor: I think you kinda underestimatin' your friends a little.
Jim Lindsey: Whadda you mean?
Andy Taylor: Wasn't you treated pretty good before you left, and you wasn't a big star or nothin'? Why should folks think any less of ya now?

Andy Taylor: Jim, you're under arrest.
Jim Lindsey: Arrest? For what?
Andy Taylor: Leavin' town without payin' your bills.
Jim Lindsey: Well... I left this watch, Andy. It'll... it'd cover all my bills - more than cover them.
Andy Taylor: Well, then you're under arrest for not leavin' town fast enough. Let's go.
Jim Lindsey: Well, now, wait a minute. Now, I-I would've been gone if ya hadn't kept me here yappin'.
Andy Taylor: No flimsy excuses, Jim. Let's go.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Andy and the Woman Speeder (#2.3)" (1961)
Elizabeth Crowley: I am going to win this case. If not here, I'll appeal to a higher court. If necessary, I'll... take it to the Supreme Court.
Andy Taylor: Suit yourself, lady, but you sure are takin' the hard way back to Washington.

Andy Taylor: Well, that's a fine day's work. You've outsmarted justice and you've made a mockery of this court, and you've turned three people against me that I would have sworn would never leave my side. Oh, I can understand a shiny, autographed baseball turning a little boy's head, but I am a little disappointed in Floyd, and I'm real disappointed in my deputy. He's a law officer and ought to know better. Congratulations, ma'am. Been quite a day's work.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Barney Gets His Man (#1.30)" (1961)
Andy Taylor: Aunt Bee, that boy goes through britches like he was wearin' sandpaper underwear.

Andy Taylor: Well, what's the matter, Barney?
Barney Fife: I swallowed my gum.


"The Andy Griffith Show: A Black Day for Mayberry (#4.7)" (1963)
Opie Taylor: Pa?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Ope, is this something we can talk about later on?
Opie Taylor: Well, if you could let me have a dime, we wouldn't even have to talk about it.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Shoplifters (#4.21)" (1964)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: He's one of our most respected citizens, one of our best church-goin' members. He knows every hymn in the book.
Deputy Barney Fife: Aw, that's just a front! You watch him sometime when we're singin' "Leaning On The Everlasting Arms." He don't even know the words! He just moves his lips!


"The Andy Griffith Show: Andy's Investment (#8.11)" (1967)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, how 'bout, um, 'Knowledge is the... tool of life'?
Aunt Bee Taylor: Good, Andy! Good!
[writing]
Aunt Bee Taylor: Knowledge is the tool of life.
[to Andy]
Aunt Bee Taylor: Who said it?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Me.
Aunt Bee Taylor: Oh? I thought maybe it might be somebody like Shakespeare.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: No. I beat him to it this time.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The New Doctor (#1.24)" (1961)
Aunt Bee Taylor: Barney's right. One day you'll go to call on Ellie and her husband will greet you at the door.
Andy Taylor: Husband?
Aunt Bee Taylor: That's right, along with their two children.
Andy Taylor: Well, golly, Aunt Bee, what am I supposed to do?
Aunt Bee Taylor: You're supposed to get engaged. You're supposed to stake your claim.
Andy Taylor: Engaged?
Aunt Bee Taylor: Yes. I think it's a step you ought to take. Ellie's a wonderful girl, and if she's gonna have a husband, it ought to be you.
Opie Taylor: Yeah, Pa. And if she's gonna have kids, it ought to be me.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Clubmen (#2.10)" (1961)
Andy Taylor: Floyd, would you ask Barney the name of this club before he has a spell?


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Rumor (#4.29)" (1964)
Deputy Barney Fife: [Barney trying to keep Andy from going home to dress for dinner] Well, it's a whim. Are you going to question a whim? You question a whim and you take the fun right out of it!
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, would it kill the whim if I just take a shower and put on some clean socks and underwear?
Deputy Barney Fife: Sure it will! It's not a whim anymore if you put on clean underwear!
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I don't understand it. But I guess a fellow shouldn't question when he's getting a free supper.
Deputy Barney Fife: That's right! Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Can you let me have $5?


"The Andy Griffith Show: Barney and Thelma Lou, Phfftt (#4.30)" (1964)
Gomer Pyle: [Barney is upset with Gomer and walks out, refusing to speak to him] What's the matter with Barney?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well Gomer, Barney's been bitten by the green eyed monster.
Gomer Pyle: He has? Well they got some stuff down at the drugstore that'll keep 'em off of you. One fell on me just yesterday!


"The Andy Griffith Show: One-Punch Opie (#3.14)" (1962)
Barney Fife: Yeah, well, today's eight-year-olds are tomorrow's teenagers. I say this calls for action and now. Nip it in the bud. First sign of youngsters goin' wrong, you got to nip it in the bud.
Andy Taylor: I'm gonna have a talk with 'em. Now, what more do you want me to do?
Barney Fife: Well, just don't mollycoddle them.
Andy Taylor: I won't.
Barney Fife: Nip it. You go read any book you want on the subject of child discipline and you'll find that every one of them is in favor of bud-nippin'.


"The Andy Griffith Show: My Fair Ernest T. Bass (#4.17)" (1964)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Ernest T. I know how important it is to ya to get a girl.
Ernest T. Bass: I've tried courtin' Hog Winslow's daughter; Hogette.
Deputy Barney Fife: Pretty name.
Ernest T. Bass: Hogette is French. French name.
[animated]
Ernest T. Bass: Well, I courted her as proper as proper can be. First off I wrote her a love note asking her to go on out with me. And then I tied it on to the prettiest rock ya ever did see. And then I give it the prettiest toss ya ever did see... right through the front window!
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, did Hogette come on out with ya?
Ernest T. Bass: Couldn't. Caught her right there.
[points to a spot above his left ear]
Ernest T. Bass: Seven stitches.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Malcolm at the Crossroads (#6.3)" (1965)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Now I'm warning you, if you throw one more rock...
Ernest T. Bass: I promise you Sheriff, I won't throw one more rock.
[Sheriff Taylor walks away]
Ernest T. Bass: . Didn't say nothin' 'bout no brick!


"The Andy Griffith Show: Bargain Day (#4.24)" (1964)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Call the man!


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Ball Game (#7.4)" (1966)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: The way everybody's acting, you'd think I'd come out against the flag and motherhood.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Mayberry Goes Hollywood (#1.13)" (1961)
Andy Taylor: Ain't-ain't we a-pickin' our peaches 'fore they're fuzzed up good?


"The Andy Griffith Show: Goober Goes to an Auto Show (#8.22)" (1968)
Goober Pyle: Hey, Andy
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Hi, Goob
Goober Pyle: I got Aunt Bee's car in tip-top shape.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Oh, good.
Goober Pyle: What are you doin' with a Raleigh paper?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Readin' it.
Goober Pyle: Andy, that's yesterday's paper.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I know it.
Goober Pyle: You know that's not as stupid as it looks, readin' a day-old paper. I do it myself sometimes - kinda gives you a sense of power, don't it? I mean knowing how everything's gonna come out.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I'm-I'm looking for the announcement of the auto show in Raleigh; it opened yesterday.
Goober Pyle: Well, you want to know where it's at? It's at the convention hall all weekend. Who's going to the auto show, Andy?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, Aunt Bee wants to see the new models; she's thinking of trading in her old car.
Goober Pyle: That's a good thing - that car is on its last leg.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You said it was in tip-top shape.
Goober Pyle: That's before I knew she was going to trade it in.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: She's just thinking of trading it in; she might keep it.
Goober Pyle: Well, it's still got plenty of miles on it.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Anybody ever tell you you're a straw in the wind?
Goober Pyle: No. A feller in the service called me a hayseed though. I let him have it.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Aunt Bee's Romance (#5.5)" (1964)
Andy Taylor: Well, as Mark Twain said, everybody complains about the weather but nobody does anything about it.
Floyd Lawson: Did he say that?
Andy Taylor: Mm-hmm.
Floyd Lawson: I thought Calvin Coolidge said that.
Andy Taylor: No, no Floyd, Calvin Coolidge didn't say that.
Floyd Lawson: What'd Calvin Coolidge say?


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Keeper of the Flame (#2.14)" (1962)
Andy Taylor: Congratulations, Deputy Fife, on an outstanding job of detective work.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Emmett's Brother-in-Law (#8.18)" (1968)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Aww, Emmett does all right.
Goober Pyle: Yeah, but he don't drive a big car like that.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, they're nice to have, but they're not everything. Emmett's got a good life. He's got good friends and a nice wife. Those things are important.
Goober Pyle: Well, they got to be if you ain't got a big car.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Jinx (#2.17)" (1962)
Barney Fife: Boy, you insist on flyin' right in the face of scientific fact, don't ya?
Andy Taylor: Scientific facts?
Barney Fife: There are atmospheric rays which control bodily motions. Now, if a person containing negative or hexin' qualities gets between you and them rays, why, he creates a static that jars any successful motion into an unsuccessful motion and jinxes ya - and THAT is a scientific fact!
Andy Taylor: And that is also the biggest crock of nothin' I ever heard!
Barney Fife: It's guys like you that laughed at Edison, the Wright Brothers, Buzz Fluheart.
Andy Taylor: Buzz Fluheart?
Barney Fife: The man that discovered the scientific fact I was just tellin' ya!


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Pickle Story (#2.11)" (1961)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: What's small potatoes to some folks can be *mighty* important to others.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Howard and Millie (#8.12)" (1967)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: That just proves that opposites attract.
Goober Pyle: Attract what?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Each other.
Goober Pyle: Oh! Well, when I get married, I'm gonna marry exactly the same kinda woman I am. That ain't gonna be easy to find, ya know.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Mayberry on Record (#1.19)" (1961)
Andy Taylor: Now, they're all legitimate government deductions. Besides, you know what they say, "Can't take it with you."
Barney Fife: Take it WITH me? They keep nibblin' at me like this, I'll be lucky if I get to go myself.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. (#4.32)" (1964)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: What's wrong?
Gomer Pyle: Nothing. Why do you ask?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, Gomer, whenever I see a man settin' by hisself in a Quonset hut with a bucket on his head, I've got to ask, "What's wrong?"


"The Andy Griffith Show: Andy's English Valet (#3.26)" (1963)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: [Standing in the middle of the room in his shirt and boxers] No Sir! You hand 'em over - I can put on my OWN pants!
Malcolm Merriweather: [Holding Pants] But sir, the Colonel always...!
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Never mind the Colonel! Gimme my pants!


"The Andy Griffith Show: Barney's First Car (#3.27)" (1963)
Barney Fife: The last big buy I made was my mom's and dad's anniversary present.
Andy Taylor: What'd ya get 'em?
Barney Fife: Septic tank.
Andy Taylor: For their anniversary?
Barney Fife: Yeah. Oh, they're really hard to buy for. Besides, it was something they could use. They were really thrilled. Two tons of concrete, all steel reinforced.
Andy Taylor: You're a fine son, Barn.
Barney Fife: I try.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Up in Barney's Room (#4.10)" (1963)
Barney Fife: I don't like it, I just don't like it!
Andy Taylor: Don't like what?
Barney Fife: Her marrying that stranger.
Andy Taylor: He's no stranger to her...
Barney Fife: [Barney looking frustrated and angry] All right, let em get married... I just hope it ends in a quickie Mexican divorce
Andy Taylor: BARNEY!


"The Andy Griffith Show: Andy and Opie, Housekeepers (#1.23)" (1961)
Andy Taylor: Yeah, this place looks neat as a pin.
Opie Taylor: Sure does, Pa.
Andy Taylor: Makes you feel good, don't it? Kind of a warm feelin' right in the middle of your stomach, lightness around your heart, your head two or three feet above your shoulders. You know why you're feelin' that way, don't you, boy?
Opie Taylor: 'Cause I'm pooped.


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Bank Job (#3.13)" (1962)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: [Andy and Barney walking out of the bank with Barney disgusted at how apathetic everyone, including Asa, the security guard, is toward the bank's security; and Andy trying to calm Barney down] Now simmer down, Barn.
Deputy Barney Fife: Four years Asa's been walkin' around without any screws in his gun. Where's the hardware store? Right down the street a whip and a whisker away. Boy, oh boy.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Alright, I'll go get screws and put 'em in Asa's gun. What kind of gun has Asa got?
Deputy Barney Fife: Oh, one of those old Teddy Roosevelt Horse Pistols


"The Andy Griffith Show: The Darling Baby (#5.12)" (1964)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: [Addressing the Darling boys after meeting their newborn niece] You boys must be pretty proud to be uncles?
Briscoe Darling: [Explaining after the boys remain silent with a blank stare] Oh, they're too choked-up to say anything.


"The Andy Griffith Show: High Noon in Mayberry (#3.17)" (1963)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: [Andy and Barney are discussing the "threatening" letter from the recently released ex-con whom Andy shot in the leg during a filling station hold up when the phone rings] Hello, sheriff's office... Oh, yes Ms. Peterson, aww... Well I'll take care of it right away... Yes, Ma'am. Bye.
[Hangs up the phone]
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Ms. Peterson 's Fluffy's on the roof again.
Deputy Barney Fife: This is a time for pussycats with a killer on the loose?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, Fluffy's got kittens and you know how you'd feel seeing your mother on the roof.
Deputy Barney Fife: [Follows Andy to the door as he's leaving, and takes his gun from the holster and tries to get Andy to take it] Andy... take this, put it under your shirt.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I won't need it, Barn. Fluffy and I've been friends for years.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Aunt Bee the Crusader (#4.15)" (1964)
Andy Taylor: I know what he's doing, too. He ain't fooling me. I know what he's doing. He's giving presents to Aunt Bee and Opie and everybody, hoping they'll work on me.
Barney Fife: He's doing that?
Andy Taylor: Yeah.
Andy Taylor: He give Opie a Rooster, Aunt Bee a mustache cup.
Barney Fife: We could get him on a 204.
Andy Taylor: What's that?
Barney Fife: Bribery,collusion, tampering with, and/or intimidation of material witnesses.
Andy Taylor: That's a 204?
Barney Fife: Kind of a catchall.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Ernest T. Bass Joins the Army (#4.3)" (1963)
[Andy, Barney and the recruiting sergeant watch as Ernest T. Bass incur his wrath on Mayberry for not getting into the Army]
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Look at him go. He's a strange one.
Recruiting Sergeant: He's a wild one.
Deputy Barney Fife: He's a nut.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Opie and the Spoiled Kid (#3.21)" (1963)
[Arnold has just been taken by his father to the woodshed against his will crying and screaming "I want my bike!"]
Opie Taylor: Is Arnie going to get spanked, Pa?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Don't you think he deserves it?
Opie Taylor: I don't want to say. After all, he is one of my own kind.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Goober Takes a Car Apart (#5.17)" (1965)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: [menacingly backing Goober up against the gun case] Now Goober, I'm gonna run on home, because if I don't, I'm liable to start hollerin'. And when I'm done hollerin', I'm liable to take down one of these guns and shoot you, you understand?
Goober Pyle: [Terrified] Yo!


"The Andy Griffith Show: Irresistible Andy (#1.5)" (1960)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Oh, Aunt Bee, what they got in mind for me is as clear as the nose on a warthog's face.


"The Andy Griffith Show: Man in a Hurry (#3.16)" (1963)
Wally: [asking about Mr. Tucker's car] Did it sound something like this? First it ran smooth, then it kind of... ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Then it ran smooth again, then another ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.
Malcolm Tucker: Yes.
Wally: Then a whzzzz-cha-chk-pkpft. Then she dies?
Malcolm Tucker: Yes... that's it!
Wally: Uh-huh, uh-huh. You've got yourself a clogged fuel line...
Sheriff Andy Taylor: How'd you know that?
Wally: From the sound.