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Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Anybody here know why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace. I now pronounce you man... Opie Taylor
: I know why they shouldn't be married. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Opie, what're you tryin' to do? Opie Taylor
: I'm speakin' now so's I won't have to forever hold my peace. Deputy Barney Fife
: You're not supposed to speak. Opie Taylor
: Then why did he ask?
: Opie, dear, I'm marryin' Mr. Pine because I love him. Opie Taylor
: I thought you loved ME. Rose
: I do, Opie. Opie Taylor
: You don't catch me marryin' somebody else.
: And in the mornin', I want you to eat all your cereal and don't leave half the milk. Opie Taylor
: Okay. I won't leave half the milk. Rose
: Good boy. Opie Taylor
: I'll leave ALL the milk.
: Can I run away from home? Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Uh... you... you want to run away from home? Well, now, uh, if-if-if that's what you got on your mind, well, you-you goin' about it all wrong. Opie Taylor
: I am? Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Oh, yeah. You ain't supposed to ask your pa. Opie Taylor
: But you always said I should never go anyplace far without gettin' your permission. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Well, yeah, I know I did say that, but, uh, see-see, running away from home is a little special. See, what you do in a case like that is first you write a note SAYIN' that you're runnin' away, and then you do it. Opie Taylor
: You mean to tell me that's all there is to it? Sheriff Andy Taylor
: That's all. Opie Taylor
: But I don't know how to write. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: That does make a problem.
: I want you to stay! Aunt Bee Taylor
: You do? Sheriff Andy Taylor
: You mean it, Opie? Opie Taylor
: Sure! Aunt Bee Taylor
: Well, what changed your mind? Opie Taylor
: Well, if she goes, what'll happen to her? She doesn't know how to do anything - play ball, catch fish, or hunt frogs. She'll be helpless.
[Barney talks about training Opie
] Opie Taylor
: You mean you're gonna make me one big muscle, too? Barney Fife
: Yeah. Andy Taylor
: Uh, 'cept in your case, we'll try to stop at the neck. Barney Fife
] That's very comical, Andy, only comicalness don't win no medals.
: They don't give you no medal for tryin'. Andy Taylor
: I know that. I know they don't - and it's nice to win something. It's real nice to win something, but it's more important to know how NOT to win something. Opie Taylor
: I know how to do that real good. Andy Taylor
: No, you don't. Opie Taylor
: You mean there's more things I coulda not won? Andy Taylor
: I mean, you coulda been a nice loser. They call it sportsmanship.
: You got to learn how to take disappointment. There could be more of 'em comin' up, you know. You come up smilin', you're a good loser. The other way's bein' a bad loser. Now what do you wanna be? Opie Taylor
: A good winner.
: It don't take courage to be a winner. It DOES take courage to be a good loser. Now, you wanna be a good loser, you'll be proud of your friends that DID win and you'll congratulate 'em for it. Opie Taylor
: I won't. Andy Taylor
: You won't? Opie Taylor
: They ain't my friends. They beat me and they got my medal.
: Where you goin'? Opie Taylor
: I'm leavin'. You're a sight.
: I'm a-drawin' on you, Sheriff. Draw. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Aw, why don't you turn yourself in peaceful-like, son? You'll get a fair trial.
: Go on, pa. You gotta fall down and die. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Well, I'll tell you the truth, son. I just got other things to do. I'm just too blame busy to die right now. Opie Taylor
: Aw, shucks. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: I'll die a little later on if I get the chance, though.
: George is runnin' away from home to be a cowboy. He only wants to stay here until he figures out whether he wants to go to Texas or Wyomin'. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: You mean his folks don't know? Opie Taylor
: Aw, pa, how can you run away from home if you're folks know. Aunt Bee Taylor
: Oh course. It kind of takes the starch out of the whole thing.
: First you say don't break a solemn promise. Now you say it's okay to break a solemn promise. You're sure mixin' me up, pa.
: You wouldn't like to sorta let me pass by your street today for free, would ya? Sheldon
: Why should I? Opie Taylor
: Well, then I could give Pa back a nickel I sorta owe him. Sheldon
: Who's stoppin' ya? Opie Taylor
: Well, If I give him back his nickel, and I have to give you a nickel for passin' by your street, I ain't gonna have no nickel for milk, and boy, Sheldon, it ain't easy gettin' a peanut butter and jelly sandwich down dry.
: But if I don't drink milk, I'll get soft bones.
: [handing over a bundle of clothes
] Would you take this down to the courthouse and hold it there for me? Andy Taylor
: Well, I guess I could. Ch'oo want me to do that for? Opie Taylor
: Well, if somethin' was to happen that got my clothes tore and messy, I figured I could go over to the courthouse and change so's Aunt Bee won't know about it. Andy Taylor
: Oh, I see. Opie Taylor
: You know how she is when a fella gets his clothes tore and messy. Andy Taylor
: She sure does kick up a fuss, don't she? Opie Taylor
: She sure does.
: A sandwich sure tastes better with milk.
[Opie's about to trade licorice seeds, which he knows are a sham, to a classmate for roller skates
] Andy Taylor
: Uh, you know that, uh, that you've been taught the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have 'em do unto you?" Opie Taylor
: Yes, Pa. Andy Taylor
: Huh. You think you've been followin' that rule? Opie Taylor
: Sure. Tommy did it unto me, and now I'm doin' it unto Jerry.
: If honesty is such a good policy, how come I'm out a cap pistol?
: What's the matter, Pa? Andy Taylor
: The matter is that I got a idea about the idea Jerry got about that cuff link bein' a button off of General George Washington's uniform, and the idea I got is that it's just barely possible that the idea Jerry got coulda come from you. How 'bout it? Opie Taylor
: Well... Andy Taylor
: Now, come on, tell me the truth. I don't want cha lyin' to me on top of everything else. Opie Taylor
: Okay. It's barely possible.
: Sure would be nice to have a ma that owns a drugstore with a soda fountain.
Aunt Bee Taylor
: Barney's right. One day you'll go to call on Ellie and her husband will greet you at the door. Andy Taylor
: Husband? Aunt Bee Taylor
: That's right, along with their two children. Andy Taylor
: Well, golly, Aunt Bee, what am I supposed to do? Aunt Bee Taylor
: You're supposed to get engaged. You're supposed to stake your claim. Andy Taylor
: Engaged? Aunt Bee Taylor
: Yes. I think it's a step you ought to take. Ellie's a wonderful girl, and if she's gonna have a husband, it ought to be you. Opie Taylor
: Yeah, Pa. And if she's gonna have kids, it ought to be me.
: Come on, Pa, get married. Be a good scout.
Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Why, I was readin' here just the other day where there's somewhere like four hundred needy boys in this county alone, or... or-or one and a half boys per square mile. Opie Taylor
: There is? Sheriff Andy Taylor
: There sho' is. Opie Taylor
: I never seen one, Pa. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Never seen one, what? Opie Taylor
: A half a boy. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Well, it's not really a half a boy. It's a ratio. Opie Taylor
: Horatio who? Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Not Horatio. A ratio. It's mathematics - arithmetic. Look, now, Opie, just... forget... forget that part of it. F-f-forget the part about the half a boy. Opie Taylor
: It's pretty hard to forget a thing like that, Pa. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Well, try. Opie Taylor
: Poor Horatio. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Now look, Opie, Horatio is not the only needy boy... Son, uh, didn't you... didn't you ever give anybody anything just for the pleasure of it. Something you didn't want anything in return for? Opie Taylor
: Sure, just yesterday I gave my friend Jimmy somethin'. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Now that's fine. What'd you give him? Opie Taylor
: A sock in the head. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: I-I meant charity. Opie Taylor
: I didn't charge him nothing. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: I meant somethin' for the joy of givin'. Opie Taylor
: I enjoyed it!
Sheriff Andy Taylor
: I'm talkin' about the the Underprivileged Children's Drive. Opie Taylor
: Oh. They collected for that at school, Pa. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Oh, I know they did. Oh, I know they did. And when they called your name, you gave the large, generous amount of three cents. My, that is big of you, Diamond Jim. Opie Taylor
: Did I give 'em too much, Pa? Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Too much? Opie Taylor
: I could ask 'em to give back two cents.
: What are we havin' for supper? Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Well, you and Aunt Bee's havin' fried chicken, and I'm havin' crow.
: Who are they? Friends of Pa's? Deputy Barney Fife
: No, they're just waiting. Opie Taylor
: What for? Deputy Barney Fife
: Don't ask me what for, I just run the waiting room, that's all.
: Pa? Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Ope, is this something we can talk about later on? Opie Taylor
: Well, if you could let me have a dime, we wouldn't even have to talk about it.
: Uh, don't you... don't you wanna hear that story, Opie? Opie Taylor
: Not 'specially, Pa. Andy Taylor
: Well, is there, uh, is there another one that you 'druther hear? Opie Taylor
: Yeah. Andy Taylor
: Which one? Opie Taylor
: Do you know the one about the Kansas City Million Dollar Heist or The Toledo Payroll Caper?
: [as Dan ceases to be fascinating
] You wouldn't shoot my pa!
: Well, I gave y'all a nickel every time you DID play nice. Opie Taylor
: I know, Pa, but Billy would rather play good games for nothin' than get a nickel for playin' nice. Sure is borin', Pa.
: Now, I'm not goin' to give you and Billy any more nickels for playin' nice, you hear? Opie Taylor
: Really, Pa? We'll give back the nickels you already gave us. Andy Taylor
: No, no. You-you-you just keep them. That's a mighty cheep price for learnin' that what looks like rasslin' to one is dancin' to another. Opie Taylor
: You want Billy and me to dance, Pa?
: Oh-oh. Andy Taylor
: What's the matter? Opie Taylor
: Every time grown-ups think of something for your good, it turns out to be not so good.
: You tryin' to get rid of me, Pa?
: Pa, I don't wanna haircut. Those little hairs get down inside my shirt and they itch. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Take a bath and wash 'em off. Opie Taylor
: A bath! I have to take a bath, too? Sheriff Andy Taylor
: That's right. Opie Taylor
: This is turnin' out worse than I thought.
: It is, too, Joey! Opie's friend Joey
: It is not. You're crazy! Opie Taylor
: I'll betcha! I'll betcha that's Barney! Barney? It is Barney! See Joey! Whatcha' doing Barney? Trick or Treat? Opie's friend Joey
: You sure do look funny Barney. Opie Taylor
: He looks like Ms. Cox in the 2nd grade, don't he?
: [playing checkers
] Your move, Pa. Andy Taylor
: I know it is. I'm just formulatin' my plan of attack - and I believe I've got 'er!
[makes a move
] Opie Taylor
: Sure you wanna move there, Pa? I can jump ya. Andy Taylor
: Go right ahead. You'll fall in with my plans. Opie Taylor
: Okay. I jump HERE.
[Opie makes a jump but does not release his piece
] Andy Taylor
: Now watch THIS. Opie Taylor
: I ain't finished, Pa. I also jump here, here, here, here and here.
[takes away six of Andy's pieces
] Opie Taylor
: Got any plans NOW, Pa? Andy Taylor
] Well, gee, I got plans to quit plannin' with you. You're a riverboat sharpie's what you are.
: What does that mean, Pa? Andy Taylor
: What's what mean? Opie Taylor
: "Passed the hand-holding stage and ready to set the date." Andy Taylor
: Means they're ready to set the date for the wedding. Opie Taylor
: But I thought Barney HAD a girl - Thelma Lou. Andy Taylor
: He does. This is somebody else. Opie Taylor
: Well, what does he need two of 'em for? Andy Taylor
] He doesn't.
: Goodbye, goodbye. Partin' is such sweet sorrow that I would say goodbye till it be morrow. Opie Taylor
: What's THAT mean? Andy Taylor
: Well, that means I'd love to set and jaw with ya awhile longer, but I got to be a-movin' on.
: I'm part peculiar, Pa. Andy Taylor
: Yeah. How'd you find THAT out? Opie Taylor
: Well, today my teacher, she said to me did I wash my neck this mornin', and I said I did, and she took a look and then she said, "Well, it looks mighty peculiar to me."
: [about Jeff Pruitt
] Guess what I saw him doin'? Andy Taylor
: What? Opie Taylor
: Standin' on the corner, pickin' up girls. Andy Taylor
: What do you know about pickin' up girls? Opie Taylor
: Gosh, Pa, what's there to know. Whenever a girl walks by, he just picks her up and then sets her down and says, "'Scuse me, ma'am. Just checkin' your weight."
Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Uh, Opie, Barney says there was a poem written on the wall of the bank and that you was standin' along beside of it with a piece of chalk in your hand. Opie Taylor
: Yeah, but I didn't do it, pa. Honest. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: I believe you. Deputy Barney Fife
] Are you pittin' your crime detectin' judgement against mine? Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Well, Barney, I have to, because, for one thing, Opie wouldn't lie to me. Deputy Barney Fife
: You call that evidence? Sheriff Andy Taylor
: And for another, he ain't learned how to write yet.
: Man needs someone to cake care of, and somebody to take care of him. Opie Taylor
: Well, if that's all you want, Mr. Wheeler, why don't you buy a dog?
: Hm. He ain't so dumb.
: [given the task to trim Andy's hedges
] First, we must determine precisely what type of atmosphere we desire to create. The, uh, stately, dignified solid feeling of the hedges around Buckingham Palace or the shapely freeform that surrounds the fountains of Rome. Opie Taylor
: Pa usually just lops off the tops.
: Pa, what kind of bait are you puttin' on my line? Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Why, that's fish-catchin' bait. That's the idea, you know, to catch fish. Opie Taylor
: That looks more like a piece of ham from our lunch. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Is that right? Well, now, that's probably 'cause it's a piece of ham from our lunch. Opie Taylor
: Pa, you're s'posed to use fish bait. Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Well, now, son, all them fish ever see down there all day long's other fish, and they get mighty sick of it, too. Now-now, don't it just stand to reason that they might just perk up at the sight of a piece of meat?
: What's the matter with her, Pa? Andy Taylor
: Oh, I don't know, Opie. I guess she's just one of those girls that's got a peculiar hitch in her git-a-long.
: Gosh, Pa, did I say the wrong thing? Andy Taylor
: No, Ope. You's the only one that said the RIGHT thing.
: A penny hit by lightnin's worth six cents. Andy Taylor
: Who told you that? Opie Taylor
: Nat Pike told me. Aunt Bee Taylor
: Oh, Nat Pike is always telling Opie the craziest things. Andy Taylor
: And you believe him? Opie Taylor
: Sure! Aunt Bee Taylor
: Well, I wouldn't put much stock in what Nat Pike tells you. Opie Taylor
: Why not? Aunt Bee Taylor
: Well for one thing, he's only four years old. Opie Taylor
: He may be young, but he's been around plenty.
: Yeah, this place looks neat as a pin. Opie Taylor
: Sure does, Pa. Andy Taylor
: Makes you feel good, don't it? Kind of a warm feelin' right in the middle of your stomach, lightness around your heart, your head two or three feet above your shoulders. You know why you're feelin' that way, don't you, boy? Opie Taylor
: 'Cause I'm pooped.
: [entering the courthouse
] Hi. You seen my pa? He's the sheriff. Bobby Fleet
: You mean he's human enough to have kids? Opie Taylor
: Huh? Bobby Fleet
: Never mind. He stepped out for a minute. Opie Taylor
: Oh. Opie Taylor
: [looking at all the fellas
] Pa musta rounded up a gang. You look like from the city. Are you a criminal? Bobby Fleet
: According to your pa I am. Opie Taylor
: Pa's never wrong. What crime did you do, criminal? Bobby Fleet
: I didn't do anything. Your old man framed the whole thing - the hick troublemaker.
[Offended at this, Opie kicks Bobby in the shin
: If you think that's somethin', you outta hear me sing a song!
: We won! We beat them females! We kept 'em in their place. Andy Taylor
: Yeah, well, wait just a minute. Opie Taylor
: Us menfolks don't want women running our town, do we, Pa?
[Arnold has just been taken by his father to the woodshed against his will crying and screaming "I want my bike!"
] Opie Taylor
: Is Arnie going to get spanked, Pa? Sheriff Andy Taylor
: Don't you think he deserves it? Opie Taylor
: I don't want to say. After all, he is one of my own kind.
: Abyssinia Andy Taylor
: Pa, just what can you do with a grown woman?
: You gonna fingerprint me, Barney? Aunt Bee Taylor
: Oh, don't joke, honey! He's liable to send you up to state prison.
: You a desperate hunter, Miss Ellie? Ellie Walker
: Not really. Opie Taylor
: 'Cause I know where you can get yourself a possum.
: [as Mr. Tucker is leaving
] Hey Mr. Tucker, you aren't gonna leave, are you? Malcolm Tucker
: I have to, son. Opie Taylor
: Aw, rats! If you were staying, I was going to get to sleep on the ironing board between two chairs. Malcolm Tucker
: Sounds terrible! Opie Taylor
: No it ain't - that's adventure sleeping!