Jane Christie
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Quotes for
Jane Christie (Character)
from "Coupling" (2000)

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"Coupling: Her Best Friend's Bottom (#2.3)" (2001)
Sally: My best friend's boyfriend has seen my bottom. There must be a rule about that.
Jane: A rule just for bottoms?
Sally: You've never understood about bottoms, Jane. Having a bottom is living with the enemy. Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, they flirt with men while we're looking the other way.

Steve: You bring these things into our homes! They sit on our chairs! They WATCH our televisions! I-I just need to know, on behalf of all men everywhere, I just need to ask, please - WHAT are they FOR? I mean, look at them! Look at the chubby little bastards sitting around everywhere! I mean, what are they? Pets for chairs?
[to salesman]
Steve: Come on - you sell them - what are they for?
Senior Shop Assistant: Well... you sit on them.
Steve: Ah! Hahahaha. Y'see, that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Watch this. Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now, watch me - I'm sitting down and what do I do on my final approach? I - ooh! - move the cushion! See? It's not involved! It's not... PART of the whole... sitting process. It just... lies there! It's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite!
Jane: It's... y'know... padding.
Steve: Padding? Oh now, that's interesting. I like padding. Y'know, if I was, say, uh, an American Football player, y'know, all those big bastards running at me, I would say "Give me some of that padding and be quick about it!". Y'know, if my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say "In view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much". Susan, Sally, Jane, THIS... is a sofa! It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so as to shield the unprotected user from the risk of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and, of course... DALEKS. You do not, trust me girls, trust me on this one, you do not need padding to tackle upholstery. So, please, once and for all, tell me WHY on earth you would want me to sit on one of these?
Susan: BECAUSE... if you pressed it firmly against your bottom, it might stop you TALKING!

[Captain Subtext uses his "truth helmet" to read the main characters' minds]
Jane: Let's all talk about me!

[Captain Subtext uses his "truth helmet" to read the main characters' minds]
Jane: [flipping through a book of fabric patterns] Me, me, me, me, me, me!

"Coupling: Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps (#3.7)" (2002)
Jane: I'm not pregnant! It's a miracle! I shagged and shagged and shagged and all the little bastards missed!

Jane: I've shagged and shagged and shagged, and all the little bastards missed!

Jane: I'm not pregnant! I have shagged and shagged and shagged and all the little bastards missed!

"Coupling: The Man with Two Legs (#2.1)" (2001)
Susan: Sally, for once in your life, why not appreciate a man for what he is, not what you can make him into?
Sally: I'm going to do that. Of course I'm going to do that.
Susan: Good.
Jane: So, when can we meet him?
Sally: When he's finished.

Sally: [Sally is afraid about her boyfriend Liam meeting her male friends] What if they talk about sex?
Susan: What if?
Sally: What if Liam tells them about me? I can't stay friends with men who know what I'm like in bed. I'd have to kill them.
Susan: Alright, so you're saying you've killed every man you've been to bed with?
Jane: Ohhh! I thought they just stopped phoning.

Jane: I've always wanted to date a gyneacologist. I want to *know* I'm special.

"Coupling: Jane and the Truth Snake (#2.5)" (2001)
Jeremy Phillips: I wanted to talk to you about this morning's show...
Jane: I think it was a success.
Jeremy Phillips: Several people are in hospital.
Jane: Jeremy, I'm reporting traffic. There's bound to be some casualties.

Jane: [as Jake the sock puppet] Hello, everybody!
Sally Harper: Oh, my God, it's a penis!
Jane: [in own voice] It's not a penis! It's a snake!
Sally Harper: Snake, penis, what's the difference?
Jane: [as Jake] You're cute!

Jane: I don't like to label everything in my medicine cabinet. You'd never have any surprises.
Steve Taylor: This week's top tip from Children's Hour.

"Coupling: Dressed (#2.7)" (2001)
Jane: [over the phone] Steve, I've gone to a dinner party and I'm accidently naked!

Harry: I'm so sorry. May I just apologize from the very depths of my being for thinking you would have the slightest interest in anything I have to say.
Jane: Don't be silly, it was an honest mistake.

"Coupling: Split (#3.1)" (2002)
Susan Walker: [Asked by Sally if she wants to talk about her break-up with Steve] Okay... you know what's really getting me mad? My boyfriend... my fiance... the man who, against all my better judgment I actually love... chatted up a woman in a bar. And on the very same day - the VERY SAME DAY - I chatted up a man. Do you see? Do you get it? I'm equally at fault. How can I ever forgive him for that? But, of course, I'm not going to forgive him because... because men - and I don't mean to generalize - are CRAP! They're the human race's only failed gender! Who needs them? And why are they so difficult to keep hold of? Do you think they realize that, were it not for the genetic imperative to populate the earth, they wouldn't get a date? That's one hell of an inducement! "No pressure, girls, but shag one of these or it's curtains for all humankind!" That's harrassment! But you know what? Do you know what's even more crap than men? WE are more crap than men! All those stupid books you guys had and... and these magazines! A hundred pages of "Men are useless bastards" and an article on why you should wake them up with a blow job! Am I alone on spotting the inconsistency here? And these places
[beauty parlors]
Susan Walker: ... 'cause, for God's sake, don't let them see what we really look like! Just let them enjoy the results - don't let them see how it all happens.
Jane Christie: You know... I went out with Steve for six years...
Susan Walker: Non, you didn't. You went out with him for four years. I checked.
Jane Christie: Oh... well it seemed longer.
Susan Walker: Yeah! Yeah! Of course it seemed longer. I, myself, have been going out with him since the 12th century. Or possibly since last week - it's hard to keep track. Because how are you supposed to measure time with the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with? What would make sense? Centuries? Nanoseconds?
Sally: Eggs.

Jane Christie: Some people think that external beauty comes from inner tranquility. Of course, some people think it comes from drinking the blood of virgins, so there's quite a range there...

"Coupling: Faithless (#3.2)" (2002)
Jane: We just stood there looking at each other. There was so much electricity, you could have executed ten fat murderers.

Roger: Don't worry, I won't bite you!
Jane: Ahh, well I won't break your neck, then!

"Coupling: The End of the Line (#2.9)" (2001)
Jane Christie: Susan likes Australians?
Sally Harper: Her greatest fear is that one day they'll all turn up on her doorstep and gridlock London.

Jane: I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins. It was amazing fun. I invented this mad, glamorous sister and went around really annoying everybody. And d'you know, I could get away with anything when I was my crazy twin Jane.
Sally: But you're Jane.
Jane: Kinda stuck. It's a long story.

"Coupling: The Cupboard of Patrick's Love (#1.6)" (2000)
Jane: I really though I'd gone to his house, you know, to heal our spiritual divide, but it tuned out I was just gagging for a shag! Those two are so similar.

"Coupling: The Girl with One Heart (#3.6)" (2002)
Jane: He moved in across the street about a month ago. Gorgeous!
Susan: How gorgeous?
Sally: Knitting pattern?
Jane: Better than knitting pattern.
Sally: Shaving advert?
Jane: Gay porn!
Sally: Wow!
Susan: Results!

"Coupling: The Freckle, the Key and the Couple Who Weren't (#3.5)" (2002)
Jane: I have twelve breasts! Sorry, I was rounding up.

"Coupling: Bed Time (#4.3)" (2004)
[Oliver gets out of the elevator, and decides to check himself out in the mirror. The sweater he is wearing to cover his nipples says "Bring Back Doctor Who."]
Oliver Morris: Shit!
[Oliver takes the sweater off and throws it in the elevator. He touches his chest, and realises he's half naked. He tries to open the lift doors without success. Behind him, the door opens. He looks around, covering his nipples.]
Jane: Hello, Oliver.
Oliver Morris: Hello, Jane.
Jane: Well, you found the place all right, then.
Oliver Morris: [trying to sound macho] Yeah. No problem. Cool.
Jane: Oliver.
Oliver Morris: Yes, Jane?
Jane: Is there something you want to tell me?
Oliver Morris: I have miniature erections.

"Coupling: The Melty Man Cometh (#2.4)" (2001)
Jane: You know the real way to tell if a man likes you? Have a drink with him, and if he puts his glass down really close to yours, that means he really likes you and something's definitely going to happen.
Sally: You know, I think Patrick does that. I think he does that glass thing.
Jane: Of course, as indicators go, an enormous erection's a bit more reliable.

"Coupling: Sex, Death & Nudity (#1.3)" (2000)
Jane: What the hell do you take me for, Steve? I'm not trying to lure you back into bed with my dead aunt!
[She storms off. Steve turns around to see his next-door neighbor, who's been listening]
Steve: That could so easily be misinterpreted...