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: There are times I worry about the way you see women. Jeff
: I see women as people in their own right. Patrick Maitland
: In many ways, they *are*. Steve Taylor
: You see women as transport for breasts! Jeff
: Hey, I can see past breasts now, Steve. I need more than that. Steve Taylor
: Yeah, I can tell. Jeff
: I need breasts with brains. I don't mean *individual* brains, obviously. Besides, you give breasts the power of independent thought, and the next thing is, they don't get on. There's a clash of personalities.
: But she won't understand a word I'm saying. Susan Walker
: Yeah, but on the plus side: She won't understand a word you're saying.
: I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding. Besides, you give breasts the power of independent thought and the next thing that happens they don't get on.
: Do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind if you were a space alien with a special kind of mind ray...? Make all women telepathic. Because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads they would kill us all on the spot. Men are not people - we are disgustoids in human form.
: She's leaving the country... she doesn't speak English... I insulted her friend's breasts... and she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket.
: You know what, there's something I've always wanted to say and, erm, now I feel that at long last I can. Breasts. Breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts!
: Men get so disappointed when the flat-chested friend turns up. Jeff
: Well, that's a bit unfair. It's hardly your fault.
: I've got all that disgustoid stuff in my head now, what if I say gusset accidentally?
: [to Jeff
] When you say things like nudity buffer, you actually expect people to know what you mean? Jeff
: Alright, when you first see a woman you like you have a buffer of about five minutes before you have fully mapped out what she looks like naked. Patrick
: A full five? Jeff
: You have to asses her nipple type and that takes time. Patrick
: Oh yeah good point.
: In the event of a mind ray, stand next to Patrick. Jeff
: Yeah, but we're all the same as Patrick. See, women think we're normal, like them, 'cause we talk to them like normal people, you know, we say, "hello, how are you. Haven't seen you in this place before. What kind of music do you like?" But all the time in our brains, we've got the word "breasts" on a loop. If we ever lost control for a second, we'd all start shouting "Breasts! Breasts! Breasts! Breasts!"
: Forget the nudity buffer. She just did another glance. Jeff
: Forget it? Forget the power of the buffer, Patrick? Did I ever tell you about the little redhead in my office? Patrick Maitland
: Never mind about the little redhead... Jeff
: Been there two years but I missed the buffer. That redhead has been naked in my head for two years now, performing *deviant* sex acts that would make the world's top porn stars go white and steady themselves on the furniture. I lose the ability to speak the moment she comes into the room. Every time she passes me in a corridor, I walk sideways into the wall. She thinks I'm a mute with a balance problem.
[Steve and Patrick are trying to get Jeff to speak to a beautiful girl who's been eyeing him all evening
: If she touches her hair, you're in. Jeff
: Her hair? Patrick
: Yeah, their second thought is always to worry about their hair. Jeff
: What, when they se someone they like? Patrick
: ...Just generally.
[the Girl teases the end of her hair
: This is not a drill!
: Yeah, the pause is like a whole third person in the conversation, only not saying much... like Patrick.
: My advice is to get them off right after your shoes and before your trousers... that's the sock gap. Miss it and suddenly you're a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman with let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her.
[Jeff is giving Steve tips before his first date with Susan. Susan and Sally have walked into the bar behind Jeff without his knowledge
: OK, foreplay tip number two.
[Steve sees Sally and Susan and looks horrified
: Whoever you normally fantasize about during sex, start calling them 'Susan.' With you, it's always Mariella Frostrup, right?
[Steve smiles awkwardly at Susan
: Well, call her 'Susan Frostrup'! That way, when you're in bed with Susan, you won't shout the wrong name when you have your eyes shut! Susan
: Or you could call her 'God.' Jeff
: [not realizing
] Well, yeah, I mean, that'd work.
[realizes, turns around and chuckles nervously
: [coming around the table
] So is it absolutely necessary to think about somebody else? Jeff
: Well, everybody does. That's why there are so many celebrity marriages. Sally
: I'm sorry? Jeff
: Eh? Well, you know, if - if you fantasize about someone else during sex, and so does your partner, and, you know, those two people that you're fantasizing about happen to meet while you're still doing it, they're bound to sense something, aren't they? Because they're connecting on, like, a virtual plane. So can you imagine what it was like when Posh first met Beckham? They were the epicenter of a non-stop, nationwide virtual shag! Ehh!
[does his hand thing
: I mean, it's no wonder she got pregnant!
: When the van comes for you, Jeff, go quietly. Jeff
] ... OK.
: That's your foreplay tip? Socks? Jeff
: Many men have fallen through the sock gap Patrick. Under the sexual arena of earthly delight, there lurks a deadly pit of socks.
: It must be alot easier being gay. Sex must be a piece of piss if you're gay. Howard
: Why's that? Jeff
: Well, see, if you're gay, right... if you're gay, masturbation is practice! You can have a good old practice on you own, and when you're ready, when you got the hang of it, you have a go on someone else's.
: When we finally get our hands on the gear, let me tell you, it's not a drill. We're supposed to fly those babies the first time we get in them.
: I have forgotten in one moment of embarrassment, the *entire* English language! Jeff
: I hate it when that happens!
: So what happened next? Jeff
: She took a large stapler from one of the shelves. Patrick
: A *large* stapler?
[Steve stares at him
: Sorry, it's hard to tell which part of the story is meant to be interesting.
: You can't say 'hippo'. You don't want to come off sounding like some surreal, cupboard-loitering lunatic.
: That's not the point. The point is the new and terrifying location of my arse.
: It's an arse nightmare. An arsemare.
: There I am, innocently trying to free my head from a photocopier and my arse is wiggling about like an arse-maniac, like an arse of insanity in the mind of a madman.
: Have you ever tried to pull out during an 'h'? Steve
: Jeff, the world in all it's fabulous diversity is entirely populated by people who have never tried to 'pull out' during an 'h' Jeff
: Yeah, and you know why? It isn't a proper letter. It's just a 'hhuuh' noise. Once you've started on the 'hhuuh' you've basically 'hhuuhed' so what could I say? 'Hello?' 'How are you'? 'Hippo'? Patrick
: Hippo? Jeff
: You can't say hippo. You don't want to come off sounding like some surreal cupboard loitering lunatic.
: Sex can be very stressful for men. You judge us on technique, sensitivity, stamina... We're just happy if you're naked... half naked... one breast.
[on being given the chance to see one of Susan's breasts
: No, no! That's the left, we want the good one.
: [Everyone is waiting for Susan to show her breast
] You know what? I *am* going to do this. I'm going to do this to show you how low, pathetic, and desperate you've all become! Jeff
: Result! Susan
: But I want you to remember, I intend this breast satirically. Patrick
: Now there's a sentence that can't come up too often.
: In the event of Steve's death, the first thing I will do, upset though I will be, is go straight to his house and remove all the pornography before his parents can find it. And he's pledged to do the same for me. That's how close we are! Susan
: You guys have seriously made arrangements to destroy your dirty mags? Jeff
: Who said destroy? "Remove." Susan
: Yeah, well you wouldn't keep them... would you? Jeff
: It's a perk. Susan
: Oh, Jeff... Jeff
: That's the beauty of it, you see? Your best friend's dead, but there's a bright side!
: [Steve has just confessed that he made a date with Susan while having sex with Jane
] The Zone has a new king!
: [on pants
] Jeff? Jeff
: Yeah? Patrick
: [dead serious
] They spread. Jeff
: What? Patrick
: Pants. They spread, and grow. Steve
: Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone. Patrick
: You start off with that sexy little thong... Steve
: And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent sized trampoline. Jeff
] It's not gonna be like that with me and Julia. Steve
: Jeff, Jeff. Before you know it, you'll be sitting on the sofa with Julia, she'll be wearing pants large enough to cover *Switzerland*, and you'll discover that you're unable to make the slightest movement without her asking,
: 'Where are you going?' Every time! 'Where are you going?' She won't even know she's saying it! It's- it's like you've set off a motion sensor. And then, you'll notice that your house is *covered* in shoes.
[gets up and picks up a shoe
: Shoes! Shoes everywhere! Why do they have so many shoes? Do they have extra feet we don't know about? Do they sprout rows of additional feet while we're asleep and gallop around the streets at night shouting
: 'WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?'
[Jeff and Patrick stare at him
: Uh... , S-sorry. Dr-drifted a bit there.
[sits back down
: There are three things all men should know, and it's time you did too. You're never going to be famous, you're fatter than you think, and, most important of all, they don't keep wearing stockings. Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: Julia always wears stockings. No, really! She's always worn them. She always will. She told me.
[Steve and Patrick chuckle
] Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: In fact, Julia told me she... Steve Taylor
, Patrick Maitland
: [finishing with him
] ... prefers wearing stockings. Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: What? Steve Taylor
: Stockings aren't real, Jeff. They're a myth. Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: Stockings are real. I've seen 'em. Steve Taylor
: Oh, sure there are SOME stockings out there, but... there's... what? Ten pairs in the whole world? Patrick Maitland
: Ten, at most. Steve Taylor
: Ten pairs for all the women in the world. They share 'em out.
[Speaking in a woman's voice
] Steve Taylor
: Oh, Julia! Y'got a new boyfriend? Your turn with the stockings then, but we'll need them back on Tuesday. There's an anniversary in New Zealand. Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: Tuesday? Steve Taylor
: The stockings will go, Jeff. They'll just melt away.
: Ok. Julia's pants. Really small? Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: Yeah, tiny. Really tiny. Steve Taylor
: Somewhere between wispy and a trick of the light? Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: You could accidentally swallow three whole pairs in one go. Trust me. Patrick Maitland
: Great, aren't they? Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: Yeah, they're not like real pants, they're like the ghost of pants. Patrick Maitland
: Jeff? Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: Yeah? Patrick Maitland
: They spread. Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: What? Patrick Maitland
: Pants, they spread and grow. Steve Taylor
: Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone. Patrick Maitland
: You start off with a sexy little thong... Steve Taylor
: And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent size trampoline.
: You know what having a girlfriend is like? Having a girlfriend is like legalized sex. Steve
: Jeff, sex is legal. Jeff
: You know what I mean, when I have sex with Julia, it's just so... realistic.
[Steve's girlfriend has found a pornographic video in his VCR
: Well, what was the title of the video? Steve
: "Inferno." Jeff
: Oh, no! Patrick
: Well, what's wrong with "Inferno?" You can't tell anything from a title like that. Steve
: That's not the whole title. Patrick
: Well, what is it? Sally
: "Lesbian Spank Inferno!"
: Well, it's kind of hard to tell isn't it 'cos you tend to fast forward if anyone's dressed. Sometimes I forget and do that with proper films. I can get through a lot of movies in an evening.
: Oh, wouldn't that be great. Patrick
: What? Jeff
: Being a lesbian. All the advantages of being a man but with less embarrassing genitals. Plus, every time you have sex, there's four breasts! Two guest breasts and two you can take home afterwards, oh, it's bloody brilliant!
: It's not Steve's fault. You can't blame Steve. It's the cupboards fault. There's too much nudity in the cupboard.
: We can't help ourselves. We hone in, we're drawn, like perverted moths'.
: [the men are in the pub talking about screen nudity
] Britt Ekland! Patrick
: Oh, oh, oh... Britt! Britt Ekland spells naked! Steve
: Can I just mention the film..."The Wicker Man"? Patrick
: The dance in the hotel room? Steve
: Birth of my libido! Jeff
: Mine too! Patrick
: It was on the other night. I think I taped it. Jeff
: Let's all go to Patrick's. Steve
: No, no, no! I was only six. I had seen parts of Britt Ekland I couldn't even name! Jeff
: I was seven. I didn't realize television could do that! I started watching it all day every day, just in case it did it again. Steve
: I'm with you on that one. Jeff
: My parents thought I was in love with the TV set. Patrick
: 'Cause you were watching it all the time? Jeff
: Well... yeah. Steve
: With you there,too. Jeff
: But also, I'd get aroused the moment it was switched on. You know, even if it was just the news or "Doctor Who". Steve
: Okay, not quite so with you now. Jeff
: One day... one day I lost control in front of my whole family during "Songs of Praise". Steve
: Lost control? Jeff
: Completely rubbed off the television. Steve
: Sorry... so you're telling us that, as a young child, and despite the obvious electrical dangers, you sexually assaulted the television during "Songs of Praise"? Patrick
: Is... is that what happened to your hair?
[Steve is relating the fact that he accidentally saw Sally naked
: So, how was it? Steve
: It was a bottom... I hadn't seen it before... I wasn't bored.
[Captain Subtext uses his "truth helmet" to read the main characters' minds
: Buttocks. Gusset. Bicycle saddle.
: I've got the key to the gates of paradise; but I've got too many legs!
: There's one thing I don't get here. You've seen this woman on the train and you find her attractive, right? Jeff
: Yeah. Patrick
: And you haven't had sex with her? Jeff
: No. Patrick
: You see my problem? Steve
: Let me explain, Patrick. Here on earth, there is a gap between seeing someone you like and having sex with them that we like to call *conversation*. In Jeff's case, it can last for up to ten years. Patrick
: Are you saying I don't converse? I converse. I talk to women. Steve
: Well, do the women talk too? Patrick
] Well, they must do.
: So, she's gorgeous and you're definitely in... what's wrong this time? Jeff
: This is the worst one ever! I can't even talk about it! Steve
: Jeff, Jeff. I know about the Giggle Loop, the Sock Gap, the Nudity Buffer and what you said to Audrey Watkins. Believe me there is nothing you can possibly say that will surprise me. So what's the trouble? Jeff
: I've got too many legs!
: I have a girlfriend! Wilma Lettings
: So you keep saying, so why are you here? Jeff
: Well, I-I I just... Wilma Lettings
: She really does exist this girlfriend? Jeff
: Oh, oh yeah she exists. She's very much an existing person, she's got tons of existence.
: Well not too much existence, I don't mean she's huge or anything. She's somewhere between completely imaginary and a truck. If you can picture that.
: It was like an arse nightmare! An ARSEMARE.
: [in Steve's dream
] Excellent! Steve
: How do you keep ending up in my dreams? Jeff
: It's a gift.
: Women remember, Steve. It's like they have minds of their own.
: Its like a feedback loop. You're somewhere quiet. There's people. Its a solemn occasion - say, a wedding. No - it's a minutes silence for someone who's died. The minute is ticking away... tick tock tick tock... and suddenly this thought pops into your head - The worst thing you can do in a minute silence is laugh. And you almost do, as an automatic reaction. But then, you think how awful it would have been if you HAD laughed, and you almost laugh again, only its a bigger laugh. But, then you think how funny it would have been if you'd laughed that bigger laugh, but this time the laugh is an enormous laugh. Let this one out and you get whiplash! So you're standing there, in this quiet room, shoulders going like you're drilling the road, and what do you think of the situation? Dear Christ! You think its funny!
: [explaining why he needs Jeff to come with him to Jane's aunt's funeral
] Look, Susan doesn't have to know you're her date. If the four of us stick together, everyone's going to assume that I'm there with Jane and you're there with Susan. You know, that way no one asks any questions and everyone gets out of the funeral alive. Jeff
] Except Jane's aunt. Steve
: Well, it's her funeral. She's an acceptable casualty.
: Asses are the human races favorite thing. When God gave us our asses he had to stick them round the back just so we wouldn't sit and stare at them all day. Cause when God made the ass he didn't say "Hey it's just your basic hinge, let's knock off early." He said "Behold ye angels, I have created the ass. Throughout the ages to come, men and women shall grab hold of these and shout my name"
: I like kissing, don't you? Jeff
: Oh, yeah! Especially the tongues part. I love getting all that extra tongue. You know, sometimes I eat really cold ice cream just so that my tongue goes numb and it feels like someone elses... But then we all get lonely sometimes.
: You think that if you kiss a woman, your mother will emasculate you with a miniature guillotine? Jeff
: I know. Mothers, eh?
: I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced to life in Jeff Murdock's groin. And let me tell you, that can be a pretty lonely place. Steve
: I'm sure you always... lend a hand. Jeff
: Well, yeah, there's that. But that's not what the boys are wanting, is it? See, they want to think they're going somewhere when they go. I keep thinking about my brave lads all excited on the launch pad, and then suddenly it's "Uhh, no! Daylight!"
: Serious problem, Steve. Top of the range problem. Problem number one. Steve
: Number one? Jeff
: This is like Captain Problem. This is like "Houston, forget that other thing".
: [Jeff is wearing a leather mask
] We were just spending a quiet evening in front of the television. In the course of events I swallowed some of her jewelry. Steve
: You what? Jeff
: There was a swallowage incident. I swallowed an item. Steve
: Right? Jeff
: Now normally when I swallow some of Julia's jewelry... Steve
: No, no, Jeff please. Normally... has never been used in the sentence before Jeff
: Well, you know what it's like when you've got your own actual real-life girlfriend. It's like you got a woman with a nudity switch. Sometimes when she's laying there and she's just so, so totally naked, I can't control myself. I just sort of hoover. Steve
: OK. Jeff
: Obviously now and then in the course of any nudity hovering, you're gonna ingest an item. Now normally, I remain calm, let nature take it's course, and in due time slip the relevant item back into her jewelry box. Steve
: I see.
: Maybe you've fallen into a relationship thing. Steve
: Thing? Yet you have 8000 words for breasts. Jeff
: And counting.
: Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start from the top again? Jeff
: Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt? Steve
: [snaps fingers
] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her *huskily* "baby". Jeff
: You never called her baby before. Steve
: You've never called anyone baby before. Jeff
: So why did you just call her baby? Suddenly you're starting to blush Steve
: Now, you're blushing *and* you've got and erection. No-one's got enough blood! Jeff
: The engines cut. They can't take it. Steve
: Then the melty man hits you with his secret weapon. Jeff
: Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time. Steve
: Please God! Don't let me lose my erection! Jeff
: [hand goes down
] Pufff. Patrick
: [with terror and disblief
] How do you guys manage to have sex? Steve
: ["duh!" voice
] We don't. Jeff
: I haven't had sex in years. Steve
: It's just not possible anymore. Jeff
: We are followers of the melty man. Steve
: And you're one of us now.
Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: But you want to marry Susan, don't you? Patrick Maitland
: Yeah, I mean we'd pretty much written you off. Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: Totally. Steve
: W-Well, of course I want to! Yes! I don't want NOT to marry her... I don't want anyone else to marry her, but... it's like, you know, death. Patrick Maitland
: Death? Steve
: Yeah! You accept that it's coming, but you get kind of uncomfortable when people start talking dates.
: [Patrick doesn't realize a sculpture of his penis was actually for a sex toy
] I think you may have been had, mate. Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: And a lot more often than you realize.