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: There are times I worry about the way you see women. Jeff
: I see women as people in their own right. Patrick Maitland
: In many ways, they *are*. Steve Taylor
: You see women as transport for breasts! Jeff
: Hey, I can see past breasts now, Steve. I need more than that. Steve Taylor
: Yeah, I can tell. Jeff
: I need breasts with brains. I don't mean *individual* brains, obviously. Besides, you give breasts the power of independent thought, and the next thing is, they don't get on. There's a clash of personalities.
[trying to come up with title for a movie about breasts that have brains
] Patrick Maitland
: The Girl With Two Brains. Steve Taylor
: Three brains, Patrick. Patrick Maitland
: Oh, yeah, I forgot about that one!
: [to Jeff
] When you say things like nudity buffer, you actually expect people to know what you mean? Jeff
: Alright, when you first see a woman you like you have a buffer of about five minutes before you have fully mapped out what she looks like naked. Patrick
: A full five? Jeff
: You have to asses her nipple type and that takes time. Patrick
: Oh yeah good point.
: In the event of a mind ray, stand next to Patrick. Jeff
: Yeah, but we're all the same as Patrick. See, women think we're normal, like them, 'cause we talk to them like normal people, you know, we say, "hello, how are you. Haven't seen you in this place before. What kind of music do you like?" But all the time in our brains, we've got the word "breasts" on a loop. If we ever lost control for a second, we'd all start shouting "Breasts! Breasts! Breasts! Breasts!"
: "Wobble Wars." Steve Taylor
: What? Patrick Maitland
: "Wobble Wars," the title for the new porn film about the battling breast-brains.
: Did you see that? Steve Taylor
: Yeah, yeah I certainly did. Patrick
: You got a glance, Jeff. Steve Taylor
: Yeah, that was confirmed. We have confirmed glancing! Patrick
: Okay, Jeff, maximize your advantage. Get over there and talk to her. Don't say "breasts!"
[Steve and Patrick are trying to get Jeff to speak to a beautiful girl who's been eyeing him all evening
: If she touches her hair, you're in. Jeff
: Her hair? Patrick
: Yeah, their second thought is always to worry about their hair. Jeff
: What, when they se someone they like? Patrick
: ...Just generally.
[the Girl teases the end of her hair
: This is not a drill!
: Steve, as your girlfriend's best friend, I am, to you, a bit like Australia. Steve
: Australia? Sally
: Yes. Very distant, largely uninhabitable, and with areas of great danger. Steve
: Oh. I thought it was about having a lot of convicts.
[Steve is relating the fact that he accidentally saw Sally naked
: So, how was it? Steve
: It was a bottom... I hadn't seen it before... I wasn't bored.
: Men can't have opinions about fabric.
[Steve is ranting about the usefulness of sofas, after discussing the unusefulness of cushions
: But Susan, Sally, Jane! This is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so as to shield the unprotected user from the risk of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and, of course...
[drops to floor behind sofa, then pops back up
: You bring these things into our homes! They sit on our chairs! They WATCH our televisions! I-I just need to know, on behalf of all men everywhere, I just need to ask, please - WHAT are they FOR? I mean, look at them! Look at the chubby little bastards sitting around everywhere! I mean, what are they? Pets for chairs?
: Come on - you sell them - what are they for? Senior Shop Assistant
: Well... you sit on them. Steve
: Ah! Hahahaha. Y'see, that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Watch this. Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now, watch me - I'm sitting down and what do I do on my final approach? I - ooh! - move the cushion! See? It's not involved! It's not... PART of the whole... sitting process. It just... lies there! It's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite! Jane
: It's... y'know... padding. Steve
: Padding? Oh now, that's interesting. I like padding. Y'know, if I was, say, uh, an American Football player, y'know, all those big bastards running at me, I would say "Give me some of that padding and be quick about it!". Y'know, if my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say "In view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much". Susan, Sally, Jane, THIS... is a sofa! It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so as to shield the unprotected user from the risk of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and, of course... DALEKS. You do not, trust me girls, trust me on this one, you do not need padding to tackle upholstery. So, please, once and for all, tell me WHY on earth you would want me to sit on one of these? Susan
: BECAUSE... if you pressed it firmly against your bottom, it might stop you TALKING!
[Captain Subtext uses his "truth helmet" to read the characters' minds
] Junior Shop Assistant
: [showing Susan some fabric patterns
] I have an enormous penis. Steve
: Actually, I've-I've got a bigger penis by far. Junior Shop Assistant
: Sorry, but my penis is staggeringly vast. Steve
: Look, I'm-I'm massively well-endowed! Senior Shop Assistant
: [taking the fabric
] I am the manager here, so *my* penis is like an enormous train, with gigantic... Susan Walker
: Oh, for God's sake!
: [hunched over the hospital bed, in labor
] Steve...! Steve
: [standing at the door, scared
] Yes darling? Susan
: [camera zooms in to her face
] Get me a FUCKING EPIDURAL!
: [re: Why he still has Jane's key
] I've never been able to give it back, she get's too emotional. Last time she bit my face!
[Steve has been bodily thrown out of the delivery room by Susan for asking, as she had made him promise, if she is sure she wants an epidural; he is now trying to go back in
: [to orderly
] It's okay, don't call security. He just asked his girlfriend a little question. Steve
: Yeah, I also asked her if I could ask it two more times. Midwife
: She said, "You can't." Steve
: Yeah, trust me, the word wasn't "can't".
[Steve goes over to look at their new baby but is suprised to find that he has no feelings towards it
: So I shaded his eyes. And then... and then he looked at me. And oh my goodness me. I became someone else entirely.
: Fingers and toes, count them. Steve
: Yeah, he's fine. It all looks pretty average. No eyes, though.
: [on the phone to Jeff
] We have our advisers online. Steve
: [pointing at Susan and Sally
] That's you two. Susan
: This is ridiculous! Why does he need us to translate for him? Women aren't a completely different species, you know. Patrick
: [on the phone
] Jeff, women AREN'T a completely different species. Steve
: He just needs to find out if it's a friendly drink or a date drink. He'll do friendly but he won't do date. Sally
: Why doesn't he know already? Steve
: Because he is Jeff, and there's no known cure.
: Because he's Jeff, and there's no known cure.
: Look, it is not physically possible for a man to know what a woman wants. Which is very unfair. Because you always know what we want. Patrick
: Yeah, because we always have the common decency to only ever want one thing. And do you ever thank us for making it so simple? Never.
: It is not scientifically possible for a man to know what a woman wants. And that's not fair, because you always know what we want. Patrick
: Because we always have the decency to only want one thing. Steve
: And do you ever thank us for making it that simple? Patrick
: Have you ever tried to pull out during an 'h'? Steve
: Jeff, the world in all it's fabulous diversity is entirely populated by people who have never tried to 'pull out' during an 'h' Jeff
: Yeah, and you know why? It isn't a proper letter. It's just a 'hhuuh' noise. Once you've started on the 'hhuuh' you've basically 'hhuuhed' so what could I say? 'Hello?' 'How are you'? 'Hippo'? Patrick
: Hippo? Jeff
: You can't say hippo. You don't want to come off sounding like some surreal cupboard loitering lunatic.
: Where are you going? Susan Walker
: It's up to you.
: [on pants
] Jeff? Jeff
: Yeah? Patrick
: [dead serious
] They spread. Jeff
: What? Patrick
: Pants. They spread, and grow. Steve
: Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone. Patrick
: You start off with that sexy little thong... Steve
: And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent sized trampoline. Jeff
] It's not gonna be like that with me and Julia. Steve
: Jeff, Jeff. Before you know it, you'll be sitting on the sofa with Julia, she'll be wearing pants large enough to cover *Switzerland*, and you'll discover that you're unable to make the slightest movement without her asking,
: 'Where are you going?' Every time! 'Where are you going?' She won't even know she's saying it! It's- it's like you've set off a motion sensor. And then, you'll notice that your house is *covered* in shoes.
[gets up and picks up a shoe
: Shoes! Shoes everywhere! Why do they have so many shoes? Do they have extra feet we don't know about? Do they sprout rows of additional feet while we're asleep and gallop around the streets at night shouting
: 'WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?'
[Jeff and Patrick stare at him
: Uh... , S-sorry. Dr-drifted a bit there.
[sits back down
: There are three things all men should know, and it's time you did too. You're never going to be famous, you're fatter than you think, and, most important of all, they don't keep wearing stockings. Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: Julia always wears stockings. No, really! She's always worn them. She always will. She told me.
[Steve and Patrick chuckle
] Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: In fact, Julia told me she... Steve Taylor
, Patrick Maitland
: [finishing with him
] ... prefers wearing stockings. Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: What? Steve Taylor
: Stockings aren't real, Jeff. They're a myth. Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: Stockings are real. I've seen 'em. Steve Taylor
: Oh, sure there are SOME stockings out there, but... there's... what? Ten pairs in the whole world? Patrick Maitland
: Ten, at most. Steve Taylor
: Ten pairs for all the women in the world. They share 'em out.
[Speaking in a woman's voice
] Steve Taylor
: Oh, Julia! Y'got a new boyfriend? Your turn with the stockings then, but we'll need them back on Tuesday. There's an anniversary in New Zealand. Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: Tuesday? Steve Taylor
: The stockings will go, Jeff. They'll just melt away.
: Ok. Julia's pants. Really small? Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: Yeah, tiny. Really tiny. Steve Taylor
: Somewhere between wispy and a trick of the light? Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: You could accidentally swallow three whole pairs in one go. Trust me. Patrick Maitland
: Great, aren't they? Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: Yeah, they're not like real pants, they're like the ghost of pants. Patrick Maitland
: Jeff? Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: Yeah? Patrick Maitland
: They spread. Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: What? Patrick Maitland
: Pants, they spread and grow. Steve Taylor
: Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone. Patrick Maitland
: You start off with a sexy little thong... Steve Taylor
: And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent size trampoline.
: You know what having a girlfriend is like? Having a girlfriend is like legalized sex. Steve
: Jeff, sex is legal. Jeff
: You know what I mean, when I have sex with Julia, it's just so... realistic.
[Steve's girlfriend has found a pornographic video in his VCR
: Well, what was the title of the video? Steve
: "Inferno." Jeff
: Oh, no! Patrick
: Well, what's wrong with "Inferno?" You can't tell anything from a title like that. Steve
: That's not the whole title. Patrick
: Well, what is it? Sally
: "Lesbian Spank Inferno!"
: I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of that table, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die!
: [about the film "Lesbian Spank Inferno"
] How could you possibly enjoy a film like that? Steve
: Oh, because it's got naked women in it! Look, I like naked women! I'm a bloke! I'm supposed to like them! We're born like that. We like naked women as soon as we're pulled out of one. Halfway down the birth canal we're already enjoying the view. Look, it's the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche. We like: naked women, stockings, lesbians, and Sean Connery best as James Bond. Because that is what being a bloke is. And if you don't like it, darling, join a film collective. I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of the table here. But that does not stop me wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die. Because that's what being a bloke is. When Man invented fire, he didn't say "Hey, let's cook!" He said: "Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!" As soon as Caxton invented the printing press we were using it to make pictures of - hey! - naked bottoms. We've turned the Internet into an enormous international database of... naked bottoms. So, you see, the story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms. Frankly, girls, I'm not so sure how insulted you really ought to be.
: How could you possibly enjoy a film like that? Steve
: Because it's got naked women in it. Look, I like naked women. I'm a bloke. I'm supposed to like them. We're born like that. We like naked women as soon as we're pulled out of one. Halfway down the birth canal we're already enjoying the view. Look, it is the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche. We like naked women, stockings, lesbians, and Sean Connery best as James Bond. Because that is what being a boy is. And if you don't like it darling, join a film collective. Look, I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of that table there. But that does not stop me wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die. Because that's what being a bloke is. When man invented fire, he didn't say, "Hey, let's cook." He said, "Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark. As soon as Gutenberg invented the printing press, we were using it to make pictures of, hey, naked bottoms. We've turned the Internet into an enormous international database of naked bottoms. So, you see, the story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms. Frankly, girls, I'm not sure how insulted you really ought to be.
: Sex doesn't just have to be an animal act, you know. It's like a meeting of two people, a conversation. Patrick
: What, you mean face to face?
: Jeff, a water closet is a toilet. Are you actually trying to cheer me up by saying that there are plenty of fish in the toilet? Patrick
: I think what Jeff is trying to say is that there are plenty of fish in the toilet... of love!
: [the men are in the pub talking about screen nudity
] Britt Ekland! Patrick
: Oh, oh, oh... Britt! Britt Ekland spells naked! Steve
: Can I just mention the film..."The Wicker Man"? Patrick
: The dance in the hotel room? Steve
: Birth of my libido! Jeff
: Mine too! Patrick
: It was on the other night. I think I taped it. Jeff
: Let's all go to Patrick's. Steve
: No, no, no! I was only six. I had seen parts of Britt Ekland I couldn't even name! Jeff
: I was seven. I didn't realize television could do that! I started watching it all day every day, just in case it did it again. Steve
: I'm with you on that one. Jeff
: My parents thought I was in love with the TV set. Patrick
: 'Cause you were watching it all the time? Jeff
: Well... yeah. Steve
: With you there,too. Jeff
: But also, I'd get aroused the moment it was switched on. You know, even if it was just the news or "Doctor Who". Steve
: Okay, not quite so with you now. Jeff
: One day... one day I lost control in front of my whole family during "Songs of Praise". Steve
: Lost control? Jeff
: Completely rubbed off the television. Steve
: Sorry... so you're telling us that, as a young child, and despite the obvious electrical dangers, you sexually assaulted the television during "Songs of Praise"? Patrick
: Is... is that what happened to your hair?
[Susan has removed the lock from the bathroom door, and doesn't understand why Steve is so upset about it
: Men and toilets, the love that dare not speak its name. What's that about? Steve
: [slams hand down
] We are men! Throughout history, we have always needed, in times of difficulty, to retreat to our caves. It so happens that in this modern age, our caves are fully plumbed. The toilet is, for us, the last bastion, the final refuge, the last few square feet of man-space left to us! Somewhere to sit, something to read, something to do, and who gives a damn about the smell? Because that, for us, is happiness. Because we are *men.* We are different. We have only one word for soap. We do not own candles. We have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop. We do not own magazines fill of pictures of celebrities with all their clothes *on*. When we have conversations, we actually take it in turns to talk! But we have not yet reached that level of earth-shattering boredom and inhuman despair that we would have a haircut *recreationally*. We don't know how to get excited about... really, *really* boring things, like ornaments, bath oil, the countryside, vases, small churches. I mean, we do not even know what, *what* in the name of God's *ass* is the purpose of pot-pourri! Looks like breakfast, smells like your auntie! Why do we need that? So please, in this strange and frightening world, allow us one last place to call our own. This toilet, this blessed pot, this... fortress of solitude. You girls, you may go to the bathroom in groups of two or more. Yet we do not pass comment. We do not make judgment. That is your choice. But we men will always walk the toilet mile... alone.
: Would you like me to put the lock back on the toilet door, dear? Steve
: Would you mind? Susan
: You should have asked.
: Serious problem, Steve. Top of the range problem. Problem number one. Steve
: Number one? Jeff
: This is like Captain Problem. This is like "Houston, forget that other thing".
: Jeff, is there some way we could fit you with an off-switch?
: What do you mean foreplay?
: Do you find your batteries always run out quickly? Steve
: I've never had any complaints.
: I have forgotten in one moment of embarrassment, the *entire* English language! Jeff
: I hate it when that happens!
: The pain of childbirth is part of being a woman. Steve
: Yes, but it's the part we can fix!
: There's going to be pain... Susan
: Yes. Steve
: Pain for which relief will be offered... Susan
: Yes. Steve
: But which, apparently, you won't want... Susan
: Yes. Steve
: This is not an intelligence test that anyone should fail!
[Oliver is trying to make fun of the fact that his pregnant ex-girlfriend's boyfriend is not attending antenatal class with her
] Oliver Morris
] Where is he then? What's the problem? Shy, is he? Afraid? Ashamed? Really, really ugly? Tamsin
] Dead! Oliver Morris
] Dead if fact. He's dead. That's where Tamsin's boyfriend is. Dead. That's the whole story. Move along now, nothing to see here. She probably wants to deal with in on her own. Tamsin
: Oh, for God's sake!
] Oliver Morris
: [to others in class
] Okay, everyone, we're not doing the laughing now. That's a no on the laghing. Laughing is canceled because of the whole death aspect. Tamsin
] Oliver, he's not really dead. I just wanted you to make a prat of yourself. Oliver Morris
: Ohay, he's not dead now, and I'm just making a prat of myself. Steve
: Well, maybe you want to try not do that. Oliver Morris
: Sorry. Can't stop. On a roll.
: What the hell do you take me for, Steve? I'm not trying to lure you back into bed with my dead aunt!
[She storms off. Steve turns around to see his next-door neighbor, who's been listening
: That could so easily be misinterpreted...
: You are a pioneer of paranoia, Jeff.
: [explaining why he needs Jeff to come with him to Jane's aunt's funeral
] Look, Susan doesn't have to know you're her date. If the four of us stick together, everyone's going to assume that I'm there with Jane and you're there with Susan. You know, that way no one asks any questions and everyone gets out of the funeral alive. Jeff
] Except Jane's aunt. Steve
: Well, it's her funeral. She's an acceptable casualty.
: Lesbians don't eat people, Susan!
Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: But you want to marry Susan, don't you? Patrick Maitland
: Yeah, I mean we'd pretty much written you off. Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: Totally. Steve
: W-Well, of course I want to! Yes! I don't want NOT to marry her... I don't want anyone else to marry her, but... it's like, you know, death. Patrick Maitland
: Death? Steve
: Yeah! You accept that it's coming, but you get kind of uncomfortable when people start talking dates.
: You can't take that excitement seriously! I mean, you know what men are like. That could happen any time, anywhere. Susan Walker
: Okay, then. Make it happen now. Steve
: What? Susan Walker
: Well, you did it for Jane, you can do it for me. On you go then. Steve
: I can't just switch it on! It's not like an emergency dinghy... I don't pull a ripcord! Susan Walker
: Any time, anywhere, you said. Steve
: Yeah, well normally I get some help. This isn't exactly sex talk, is it? Susan Walker
] I can do sex talk! Steve
: I never said you couldn't.
[he returns to studying the restaurant menu
] Susan Walker
: [after a pause
] Nipples. Steve
: What? Susan Walker
: Nipples. They're... good? Steve
: Yes, thank you. Nipples are... good. Susan Walker
: Did that help? Steve
: There's a fine line between sex talk and just... mentioning body parts.
: Can we please talk about this pregnancy without bringing up John Hurt? Steve
: No man can do that!
: [Steve has just seen Susan making out with Jane, and he is now on the phone to Jeff
] Oh Jeffrey, did you ever pick the wrong week to leave!
: [about the Fertility Clinic's cubicle
] It's this place. It's too wholesome. Look, it's wrong for masturbation. Masturbation is supposed to be a bad thing. It's a stealth activity. You do it on your own, in secret, and you lie about it afterwards. You feel guilt! It's one of the last forms of entirely safe guilt left available to a man. I mean, look at this place! Look what the mad fools have done: it's an office suite for masturbation. There's a *receptionist*. There are no receptionists in masturbation. Do you realize what I'm supposed to do here? Do you understand the insanity of it? I am being asked to masturbate in a *good* *cause*. No. Susan, I implore you. I implore all women everywhere on behalf of all men. Do not take the wrongness of masturbation from us.
[Susan finds Patrick with Steve in the cubicle at the fertility clinic
: Patrick, you didn't think you would get to have sex with one of the nurses, did you? Patrick
: I did. Susan
: Patrick, you really are a sad, pathetic man. Steve
: No, Susan. He *did*.
: Maybe you just don't fancy her. Patrick
: But she was naked. She could've been anyone.
: Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start from the top again? Jeff
: Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt? Steve
: [snaps fingers
] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her *huskily* "baby". Jeff
: You never called her baby before. Steve
: You've never called anyone baby before. Jeff
: So why did you just call her baby? Suddenly you're starting to blush Steve
: Now, you're blushing *and* you've got and erection. No-one's got enough blood! Jeff
: The engines cut. They can't take it. Steve
: Then the melty man hits you with his secret weapon. Jeff
: Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time. Steve
: Please God! Don't let me lose my erection! Jeff
: [hand goes down
] Pufff. Patrick
: [with terror and disblief
] How do you guys manage to have sex? Steve
: ["duh!" voice
] We don't. Jeff
: I haven't had sex in years. Steve
: It's just not possible anymore. Jeff
: We are followers of the melty man. Steve
: And you're one of us now.
: There's one thing I don't get here. You've seen this woman on the train and you find her attractive, right? Jeff
: Yeah. Patrick
: And you haven't had sex with her? Jeff
: No. Patrick
: You see my problem? Steve
: Let me explain, Patrick. Here on earth, there is a gap between seeing someone you like and having sex with them that we like to call *conversation*. In Jeff's case, it can last for up to ten years. Patrick
: Are you saying I don't converse? I converse. I talk to women. Steve
: Well, do the women talk too? Patrick
] Well, they must do.
: So, she's gorgeous and you're definitely in... what's wrong this time? Jeff
: This is the worst one ever! I can't even talk about it! Steve
: Jeff, Jeff. I know about the Giggle Loop, the Sock Gap, the Nudity Buffer and what you said to Audrey Watkins. Believe me there is nothing you can possibly say that will surprise me. So what's the trouble? Jeff
: I've got too many legs!
: [in Steve's dream
] Excellent! Steve
: How do you keep ending up in my dreams? Jeff
: It's a gift.
: [Apologizing in Susan's dream after their breakup
] I was just wrong... wrong about everything. Since you left me, I've come to see the point of cut flowers, and very small picture frames, and... and relatives. I'm thinking of owning more than one bar of soap at a time... and buying another towel. And the stands to put the toilet roll on... and a toilet roll, even when I've got a newspaper. I now realize that my Playstation... it's a complete waaste of my life... and that "a lack of realistic gore" is not a sensible criticism of chess. I absolutely promise to abandon all of my disgusting sexual deviancies like... lesbian porn... Mariella Frostrup... and talking to other women. Susan... please... just take me back!
[He dissolves into tears
: You think that if you kiss a woman, your mother will emasculate you with a miniature guillotine? Jeff
: I know. Mothers, eh?
: I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced to life in Jeff Murdock's groin. And let me tell you, that can be a pretty lonely place. Steve
: I'm sure you always... lend a hand. Jeff
: Well, yeah, there's that. But that's not what the boys are wanting, is it? See, they want to think they're going somewhere when they go. I keep thinking about my brave lads all excited on the launch pad, and then suddenly it's "Uhh, no! Daylight!"
: You know what they say: If music be the food of love, then masturbation is just a snack between meals.
: [Patrick doesn't realize a sculpture of his penis was actually for a sex toy
] I think you may have been had, mate. Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
: And a lot more often than you realize.
: I'd like to think that the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with has a better reason for staying faithful than, "It might be a trick." Steve Taylor
: Well, it wasn't the only thing! It was just like the... deterrent. Susan
: The deterrent? Steve Taylor
: Well, yeah - you know, like nuclear weaponry. I mean, nobody likes it, but it can help to keep the peace. Susan
: Steve, you've just compared our relationship to the Cold War. Steve Taylor
: Which - may I remind you - really lasted. Susan
: So the nature of the bond between us is, in fact, the threat of mutually assured destruction? Steve Taylor
: Oh, among many other things.
: [Jeff is wearing a leather mask
] We were just spending a quiet evening in front of the television. In the course of events I swallowed some of her jewelry. Steve
: You what? Jeff
: There was a swallowage incident. I swallowed an item. Steve
: Right? Jeff
: Now normally when I swallow some of Julia's jewelry... Steve
: No, no, Jeff please. Normally... has never been used in the sentence before Jeff
: Well, you know what it's like when you've got your own actual real-life girlfriend. It's like you got a woman with a nudity switch. Sometimes when she's laying there and she's just so, so totally naked, I can't control myself. I just sort of hoover. Steve
: OK. Jeff
: Obviously now and then in the course of any nudity hovering, you're gonna ingest an item. Now normally, I remain calm, let nature take it's course, and in due time slip the relevant item back into her jewelry box. Steve
: I see.
: Jane, could you stop doing this? Could you stop just wandering through my front door? Because this is not, repeat not, an American sitcom!
: Maybe you've fallen into a relationship thing. Steve
: Thing? Yet you have 8000 words for breasts. Jeff
: And counting.
: I don't like to label everything in my medicine cabinet. You'd never have any surprises. Steve Taylor
: This week's top tip from Children's Hour.