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: So, how long have you known Suzanne? Jack
: Oh, about a month. Seems like longer, though. Doris
: I know what you mean. I'm her mother and it seems longer.
: I was such an awful mother... what if you had a mother like Joan Crawford or Lana Turner? Suzanne
: These are the options? You, Joan or Lana?
: Are you less mad at me now? Suzanne
: I am always less mad at you, Mom.
: You know what they say. No pain, no gain. Suzanne
: Well, no wonder I'm so hefty. Doris
: Hefty? If you ask me I think you're too thin. Now my stomach, that's hefty. Suzanne
: I was kidding. Doris
: I don't get your generation's humor most of the time. Suzanne
: I don't have a generation. Marty Wiener
: Then I think you should get one.
: What is wrong with your hair? Suzanne
: I dunno; it's all the rage in the rehab.
: Will you please tell me what is this awful thing I did to you when you were a child! Suzanne
: Okay, you want to know? Do you? Doris
: I want to know! Tell me! Suzanne
: Okay, FINE! From the time I was 9 years old, you gave me sleeping pills! Doris
: That was over-the-counter medication, and I gave it to you because you couldn't sleep! Suzanne
: Mom! You don't give children sleeping pills when they can't sleep! Doris
: They were not sleeping pills! It was store-bought and it was perfectly SAFE! Now don't blame ME for your drug-taking! I do not blame my mother for my misfortunes or for my drinking! Suzanne
: Well, you don't acknowledge that you drink. How could you possibly blame your mother for something you don't even do? Remember my 17th birthday party when you lifted your skirt up in front of all those people, including that guy, Michael? Doris
: I did not lift my skirt, it TWIRLED UP! You only remember the bad stuff, don't you? What about the big band that I got to play at that party? Do you remember that? No! You only remembered that my skirt accidentally TWIRLED UP! Suzanne
: And you weren't wearing any underwear. Doris
: Sing one of your old numbers from my act.
: How was work today, dear? Suzanne
: They made me do a drug test. Doris
: I knew it. I knew you shouldn't do this film. Suzanne
: You knew I shouldn't do it because it's a bad film, not because they were going to make me do a drug test. Doris
: No, I knew it was wrong from the start, I had a dream that it wasn't right. I know you don't believe in my dreams, even the one that predicted your kidney stone. I had a dream the other night that I was drowning in the ocean... Suzanne
: I really wish I had a Percodan right now. Or two, maybe three. Doris
: ...a very heavy sequined gown pulling me under. Suzanne
: I'm going to kill myself. Doris
: Don't say that, dear, even in jest. You just got out of drug clinic. People might take it the wrong way.
: I have some news. Suzanne
: What? You had a dream I lost some weight? Endorsed a line of clothing? Doris
: Don't be fresh, dear.
: You feel sorry half the time for having a monster of a mother like me. Everything about you says 'look what you've done to me'. Suzanne
] I never said you were a monster! Doris
: You don't say it, but you feel it. Somehow, you lay the entire blame for your drug-taking on me. Suzanne
] I do not! I DO not, mother. I took the drugs, nobody made me. Doris
] Go ahead and say it: you think I'm an alcoholic. Suzanne
: Okay...I think you're an alcoholic. Doris
: Well, maybe I was an alcoholic when you were a teenager. But I had a nervous breakdown when my marriage failed and I lost all my money. Suzanne
: That's when I started taking drugs. Doris
: Well, I got over it! And now I just drink like an Irish person.
: Excuse me, Suzanne, can I meet your mother? Suzanne
: Sure. Bart, this is my mom... Bart
: Oh, Miss Mann, I've loved you my whole life. Ever since I was seven, I wanted to be you. Alan
: Bart does you in his drag show. Bart
: Oh, this is my lover, Alan. Yes, I wear a costume exactly like the one you wore in "That Marvelous Mrs. Markham." Doris
: Oh, the one with the corset? That was so difficult to wear... Suzanne
: Mom? Doris
: Oh, I must go, sorry, boys. It was very nice to meet you.
[whispering to Suzanne
: Sorry, dear, but you know how much the queens love me.
: Aw, shut up, Grandma. Grandma
: I beg your pardon? Suzanne
: I should think you would. Grandma
: You see there? Now if you washed her mouth out with soap when she was little, like I told you, maybe she'd have some respect now! Suzanne
: [talks over
] I'm simply suggesting we all try to enjoy one each other without having to assign blame. Grandma
: Ooh, listen to Miss Snootybritches. "Assign blame," hee hee. Suzanne
: [pushes her towards the door
] Come on! Grandma
: Just what do you think you're doing, young lady? Suzanne
: I'm moving you out to the waiting room. Grandma
: Well, there's no need to shove! I'm going! You know what you need? I good pop on the butt like I used to give your mother! I--
[Suzanne shuts the door on her
: If I thought I made you feel like that, I'd kill myself. Suzanne
: Don't say that, even in jest, Ma, particularly when you're in a hospital. People might take it the wrong way.
: So you said you have a ranch? Jack Faulkner
: Yeah, out in Malibu. Doris Mann
: If all ranchers looked like you, there wouldn't be many crops. Jack Faulkner
: Depends on what you're raising. Doris Mann
: Certainly not doubts!
[both laugh, Suzanne enters
] Doris Mann
: Oh, I was just coming to get you, your little friend is here. Suzanne Vale
: Can I speak to you for a moment in private? Doris Mann
: Excuse me, my daughter wants to speak to me.
[both step into alcove
] Suzanne Vale
: I would really just like a few people of my own without them having to like you so much! Doris Mann
: I was just being friendly. And I don't care if he likes me or not, your friend in there with the bedroom eyes. Suzanne Vale
: Right. And the living room nose, the kitchen forehead and den ears.
: Mom, this is my roommate, Aretha. Doris
: Aretha, what an unusual name. Aretha
: Yes, I think my parents were expecting someone black.
] Are you black? Aretha
: Ummm, no. It was nice to meet you; Suzanne has told me so much about you. I think I'll just go weave a basket or something and let the two of you visit.
: Ma, I'm middle-aged. Doris
: Dear, *I'm* middle-aged. Suzanne
: Really. And how many one hundred and twenty year old women do *you* know?
: Never let 'em see you ache. That's what Mr. Mayer used to say. Or was it "ass"? Never let 'em see your ass.