Bartholomew Hunt
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Quotes for
Bartholomew Hunt (Character)
from Almost Heroes (1998)

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Almost Heroes (1998)
Lady: I hope Satan himself burns the flesh from your miserable bones.
Hunt: Good God, Lady.

Hunt: Walk to Asia? I like it.

[When trying to read; repeated line]
Hunt: Muh... Hah-buh...

Jackson: Sir, Higgins has a story.
Edwards: Well, Higgins the floor is yours.
Higgins: This particular event happened last summer on my uncle's farm in Virginia. My brother and I had just finished cutting a field of hay and were enjoying the evening meal under the shade of an elm tree. He went down for water by the creek and when he was gone, I took a bowl that was filled with delicious plum pudding and placed into it, not one, but two large pieces of sheep shit. When he returned I encouraged him to taste the plum pudding... And as sure as Im standing before you, he did! He ate it all. Shit Pudding!
Edwards: You got your brother to eat sheep dung. That is a very interesting story.
Hunt: Tell him the ending, that's the best part.
Higgins: Oh yeah. To be perfectly honest with you sir, I have no brother. It was me. I ate sheep shit! Swear to God.
Edwards: Clever twist there on the ending.

Hunt: The next man who leaves for New Orleans
Hunt: will do so with a lead ball in his back!

Hunt: I name this here fork "Pittsburgh Nellie"; a Welsh whore who could do things with her one good arm that'd make you forget that *thing* on her neck.

[a bear has come into camp]
Bidwell: My nose itches.
Hunt: Don't scratch it.
Bidwell: Feels like there's a bug up in there.
Hunt: You scratch your nose. You're dead.
Bidwell: Well, I don't know what's worse. The bear or my itchy nose.
Hunt: I think it's leavin'.
Bidwell: I'm going to scratch it!
[begins scratching his nose and the bear turns around and bites his leg]
Bidwell: [shouts] The bear is worse! The bear is definitely worse!

Hunt: What I remembered the most were the animals.
Edwards: [smiles] Ah, the animals...
Hunt: Fearsome beasts of the mountains and plains. I've seen a bear so powerful... that it *snapped* a man's body in half with his huge jaws. Garrgghh! Garrgghh! I've seen a badger with paws as big as frying pans. And that'd rip your face right off! Right off! Nothing you can do with that! Just rip it off! Once there was a hawk that swooped down from the sky... Aggghhh! Aggghhh! Aggghhh! And plucked a man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Auuuggghhh! Auuuggghhh! The fella was screaming, "I'm blind! I can't see!" *Twice* when I was fishing...
Higgins: [Horrified] THERE'S AN ANIMAL NOW!
[everyone except Edwards and Hunt starts firing at the animal]
Higgins: We can't kill it! We're all dead! God save us!
Hunt: Hold your fire! Hold your fire!
[everyone stops firing. Hunt looks closely and sees that the animal is just a squirrel nibbling on an acorn]
Hunt: It's only a squirrel.
Pratt: He's got something in his hand!
Guy Fontenot: Something in his hand!
[they continue firing at the squirrel]