The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
: Now you listen to me, Ralph. My mother is coming here and you're going to be nice to her. Ralph Kramden
: Be nice to her? That's impossible! We don't get along. We're enemies, natural enemies. Like a boa constrictor and a mongoose. She hates me, Alice! Alice Kramden
: Ralph, Mother doesn't hate you, that's your imagination. Ralph Kramden
: My imagination? I suppose it was my imagination the day we were married and she went around telling that joke about me! Alice Kramden
: What joke? Ralph Kramden
: You remember, you remember the joke she went around tellin' everyone about me! Alice Kramden
: No I don't remember, what joke? Ralph Kramden
: Oh, yes, you do. She ran around the reception tellin' everybody "I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining a ton."
: Well, let me tell you something, I had some chances, too, you know, before I married you! Alice Kramden
: Ha ha! Ralph Kramden
: Don't laugh Alice, there were plenty of girls crazy about me and you know it. Every time I went down to the beach they used to crowd around me. Alice Kramden
: Sure. Sure, they crowded around you. That didn't mean they were crazy about you. They just wanted to sit in the shade!
: What am I supposed to tell my mother when you're not here? Ralph
: I don't care. Tell her I ran off and joined the circus. Alice
: What as, an elephant? Ralph
: Oh, you're a riot, Alice. You are a regular riot. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I'll bet you got the whole building laughing. Ha, ha, ho, ho! You certainly are funny, Alice. You know, you're the one who oughta join a circus. You oughta be in the circus. You'd be funnier than that guy they got there now, Emmett Kelly, the clown. Much funnier. In fact, you look a little bit like him. All except for one thing: the big red nose.
[He raises his fist at Alice
: And you might get that before this is over!
[the Kramdens have received a letter from their mother, saying she is coming for a short visit. Ralph thinks it's his mother-in-law
: [to Alice
] Alice, your mother isn't setting one foot in this house. Not one foot or we'll never get rid of her! Alice
: Ralph, it just said she was just coming for a short visit. Ralph
: Short visit? Ha! You know what her short visits are. Like the last time she came for a short visit, just for the holidays, Christmas and New Year's. The only trouble is she came New Year's and stayed 'til Christmas!
: What are you doing with all this material, making a bed spread? Alice Kramden
: No, I'm lettin' your pants out again. Ralph Kramden
: Don't you, uh, think you let 'em out a little too much? Alice Kramden
: I haven't started yet.
: Listen, Ralph, you can scream all you want to, but I want you to get one thing straight: my mother is coming here, and my mother is always welcome in my house. Ralph Kramden
: Your house? *Your house*? This is *my* house, Alice! M-Y house, my house! MY house! Alice Kramden
: Oh, I am sorry, Ralph. I forgot, it *is* your house. You really have been very big-hearted, Ralph, sharing it with me, letting me live here with you in the lap of luxury like this. Don't think that I don't appreciate it, Ralph, 'cause I do. After all, where else would I get a beautiful home like this? This place, Ralph, you know what it is? It's a regular Disneyland.
[looks out the window
] Alice Kramden
: Look, Ralph. Look at this wonderful view that we have from the window. Look, see? Old man Grogan's long underwear hanging on the line, garbage cans in the alley, back of a Chinese restaurant. That's all part of my Disneyland, too, you know, Ralph. That's my...
] Alice Kramden
: That is my Fantasyland.
[looks at sink
] Alice Kramden
: Now, Ralph, over here, this sink, see?
[turns faucet; dishes somehow clatter in sink
] Alice Kramden
: Every time I go near that sink, Ralph, I never knows what's gonna happen. You know what the sink is? That's my Adventureland.
[points to stove and icebox
] Alice Kramden
: That stove and that icebox, that's Frontierland. There's only one thing, Ralph, that's missing from my Disneyland, only one thing: the world of tomorrow. I have *nothing* from the world of tomorrow. Ralph Kramden
: You want the world of tomorrow, Alice? You want the world of tomorrow? I'll give ya the world of tomorrow!
[holds up fist at Alice
] Ralph Kramden
: You're going to the moon! Alice Kramden
: What are you doin' with all that material, making a bed spread? Alice Kramden
: No, I'm lettin' your pants out, again. Ralph Kramden
: Don't you uh... think you let 'em out, a little too much?
[Ralph, showing Alice that she overdone his waistline, on his pants that she's working on
] Alice Kramden
: I haven't started yet.
: I am the only girl in town with an atomic kitchen. This place looks like Yucca Flats after the blast!
: Boy, you men kill me; you're all alike. You push us around. You want us to bow and scrape at your feet. All you do is yell and scream and give orders. You men just think that you *own* this world! Ralph
: Yeah, but you women get revenge. You marry us!
: [Thelma the maid has been introduced to the Kramdens, and her appearance is not what Ralph expected
] *This* is a maid? I thought maids had short skirts with white hats and black silk stockings. Alice
: Ralph! Thelma
: [speaking to the agency manager, indicating Ralph
] The chubby one's gonna be trouble.
: Thelma, what my husband meant was he just wants to explain your duties to you. Thelma
: Oh, yeah, what I gotta do. And I might as well tell you right now: I can't do no heavy work. I'm sickly. Ralph
: Sickly? Well, first of all, you'll have to go to the market. Then you'll have to cook, scrub the floors... Thelma
: I don't scrub no floors! Alice
: You're so right, Thelma. My husband will be glad to scrub the floors. Ralph
: Now wait a minute! Thelma
: You'll scrub the floor!. That's a man's work. Ralph
: Just a minute. Who's doing the hiring here? All right, Alice, it's all off! Alice
: Oh, no, Ralph, I'm not giving up my career. So it's either Thelma or you. Thelma
: And I might as well tell you somethin' else, right now: I get Thursdays and Sundays off, see? My work is through the minute the supper dishes are done. I don't work in no house where they got no pets, so you might as well get rid of one if you got one. If you're gonna have a party, I get time-and-a-half over and the next day off. And, uh, if you're planning on having any late snacks, I don't do no cleaning up the next morning. And this boy looks like he has plenty of late snacks.
: Let me tell you something. There's an old, old saying, Ralph: "Man works from sun to sun, but woman's work is never done." Ralph Kramden
] Good gosh! Alice Kramden
: I'll tell you why woman's work is never done, Ralph. Because she's got the toughest boss in this whole world: a husband!
: Don't start that again, Alice. No wife of mine is gonna work. I got my pride. You know, no Kramden woman has ever supported her husband. The Kramden men are the workers in the family. Alice
: Wait a minute, Ralph. What about your father? For a long time there he didn't work at all. Ralph
: But neither did my mother. At least he kept his pride, Alice. He went on relief.
: I'll go fix my lipstick. I won't be gone long, Killer. I call you "Killer" 'cause you slay me. Ralph
: And I'm calling Bellevue 'cause you're nuts!
: Well, I'm pretty lucky, too. I have a wife, who every time she gets something for herself, she gives something to me. Ralph
: Well, I wanna say, Mrs. Weidermeyer, that that's very thoughtful. It's not many wives who want to give their husbands somethin'. Alice
: Oh, I don't know, Ralph. I've been thinking of giving *you* something. And you may get it real soon!
: We have pet names for eath other. Ralph
: Pet names for each other? Now, isn't that cute. I betcha that was your idea. Rita Wedemeyer
: Yes, it was. Don't you have certain names you like to call your husband? Alice
: Oh, I have several I'd love to call him. Rita Wedemeyer
: All you have to do is pick out your husband's outstanding feature, and find a name that fits. Alice
: Oh, I see.
: Isn't that a good idea, Tubby?
: What a husband you have. He certainly is a treasure.
[Mrs. Weidermeyer leaves the room
: A treasure? He keeps this up much longer he's going to be a BURIED treasure.
: Whoever said the Age of Chivalry is dead was right. I know the two guys that killed it. Oh, Alice, our campaign has been a complete flop. On the way to the bus they walked twenty feet ahead of us. And they only talked to each other. And if that isn't bad enough, on the bus there are just two empty seats. And who sits in those two empty seats? Alice
: It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the treasurer, Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury, you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be. Do you know what that means? Alice
: Yeah. Real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up a hundred percent.
: Yessir, this is the time I'm gonna get my pot of gold. Alice
: Just go for the gold, you've already got the pot.
: For the last time, Alice, I'm telling you, I'm going for the $99,000 question. Alice
: For the last time, Ralph, I'll be very happy if you win the 600 bucks. Ralph
: $600? Peanuts, peanuts! What am I gonna do with peanuts? Alice
: Eat 'em, like any other elephant.
: Spell "antidisestablishmentarianism". Ralph
: I'll spell it.
: I'll spell it! Alice
: [waiting patiently
] Well? Go ahead. Ralph
: I'll spell it!
: I'll spell it when you give me $16,000 for spelling it! Alice
] 16,000 for spelling it? I'll give you 32,000 if you can SAY it!
: [to Norton
] Ed, I realize that I cannot talk to Ralph because he is stubborn and unreasonable, but I've always had great respect for your sense of fair play, and so I appeal to you. IT IS LATE. People would like to go to sleep. I think you should stop playing the piano. And I know that you will agree with me, Ed, because you have always been fair and considerate. You are a reasonable man. Ralph Kramden
: Don't let her soft-soap you. Don't let her soft-soap you! You're just as unreasonable as I am. Play the piano! Alice Kramden
: If you touch that piano again, I'll lose all my respect for you! Ralph Kramden
] Go ahead and *play*, Norton, if you don't wanna lose my friendship! Ed Norton
: Well, I'm in a spot. If I play, I lose her respect; if I don't play, I lose your friendship.
] Ed Norton
: Why, oh why was I blessed with this musical talent?
: [to Ralph
] Let's say you know all there is to know about popular songs. There's just one thing that you're overlooking, Ralph: You're going on a television show, a big television show. Millions of people are gonna be looking at you, and big money at stake. Why, you're liable to get nervous and forget what you do know. Any person can do that. Ralph
: Are you kidding? I'm at my best when I'm under pressure. Alice
: Oh, that's right, I forgot. You're always calm. You have to be, in the kind of work you do. You're a man who "brives a dus".
: Whatever happened to the sweet unspoiled girl I married before? Whatever happened to that girl, Alice? You remember what you said to me before we got married? "Ralph, I'd be happy to live in a tent with you." Alice Kramden
: I'm still willing. I think it'd be an improvement. Ralph Kramden
: Do you wanna go to the moon? Do you wanna go to the moon? Alice Kramden
: That would be an improvement, too.
] Alice Kramden
: Gotta admit it, Ralph. Once in your life, you were right. We never should've gotten a television set.
: [referring to Ed Norton
] I've got one thing that he hasn't got.
[pats his right hip
: I've got it here. Alice
: [placing hands on hips and stomach
] You've got it here - and you've got it here - and you've got it here.
: [complaining about how Ralph is always out at night, leaving Alice alone at home
] I'm left here to look at that icebox, that stove, that sink and these four walls. Well, I don't want to look at that icebox, that stove, that sink and these four walls! I WANNA LOOK AT LIBERACE!
: [explaining the reason he won't buy Alice a TV set
] I'm waiting for 3D television, that's the reason. Alice Kramden
: Are you waiting for 3D refrigerators, too?
: Two thousand dollars, Alice! That's big, big, big! This is probably the biggest thing I ever got into. Alice Kramden
: The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants.
: Just remember, you can't put you arms around a memory. Alice
: I can't even put my arms around you.
: Look, Alice, please, it's simple arithmetic. We buy something for ten cents, and we sell it for a dollar! It's that simple. Alice Kramden
: If it's so simple, Ralph, why didn't the man who had these things in his warehouse sell them and make this big profit? Ralph Kramden
: Because he thinks small like you do. He thinks he's got to go from door to door to sell these things. That's where my great idea comes in. I go on television and in five minutes, I can sell the whole 2,000 of them. Look, how long do you think it would take that guy to sell 2,000 of these if he went from door to door? Alice Kramden
: About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on. Ralph Kramden
: Oh, I'd like to belt you just once!
[Alice points out to Ralph how all of his other schemes have failed
] Ralph Kramden
: Nobody's one hundred percent, Alice. Alice Kramden
: You are. You've been wrong every time!
[Ralph is hiding in a can to elude the cat
] Alice Crumden
: Oh, don't tell me there's a market for canned slob? Ralph Crumden
: Very funny, Alice! Veeeery funny!
: Ralph, like I've been trying to tell you; Why don't you just get rid of the cat? Ralph Crumden
: Hey, Morton. Why don't we just get rid of the cat? Ned Morton
: Hey, yeah, Ralph. Why don't we just get rid of the cat? Ralph Crumden
: Oh, I ought to...
: Well, Alice, How do you like it? Alice Crumden
: What is it? Ralph Crumden
: No doubt you have heard of the Trojan Horse? He-he-hey! Well this here is a Trojan Dog. Ned Morton
: Yeah. Beware of French poodles bearing gifts, huh, Ralph? Ha-ha-ha! Ralph Crumden
: Morton, you are a mental case.
: Why should I cut out bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight. Alice
: You don't need anything to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up.
: I was handling that janitor job just perfect. Then that thing had to happen. And it wasn't my fault, Alice, it wasn't my fault. Alice
: No. No, it wasn't your fault, Ralph. You were just doing an impersonation of two pounds of bologna in a one-pound bag.
: [Norton had asked Alice for a wrench to fix his pipes
] I thought the janitor was gonna fix the pipes. Norton
: Ah, that janitor fix the pipes. He don't fix nothing. I'm telling ya, I'm getting pretty sick and tired of this, you know. Everybody in the building gets water, except us. Alice
: I know, Ed, and it's no joke. Norton
: You tell me it's no joke. Boy, I never thought I'd live to see the day when I'd work eight hours in the sewer and come home and want to see water!
: [to Alice
] Let's get something straight right now, right here and now: a man's home is just like a ship. And on this ship, I am the captain. I am the captain of this ship, do you understand that? You are nothing but a lowly, third-class seaman. That's all you are. Your duties are to get the mess, swab the deck and see that the captain feels good. That's all you have to do. Remember, you're nothing a third-class seaman. I'm the captain.
[He notices that Alice is leaving and he stops her
: Where are you going? Alice
: Seaman Kramden, third class, is retiring to the poop deck until this big wind blows over.
[leaves the room
: [Ralph is yelling at Alice for talking on a new phone
] I made one call, Ralph. One call! I spoke to Trixie. Ralph
] Trixie? Upstairs? You called her on the phone to talk to her upstairs? What, yelling out the window is too good for you now? What, was it raining out? Alice
: Yelling out the window is bad manners. Ralph
: Don't you make any nasty remarks about my mother. She's been yelling out the window for 80 years! Alice
: Yeah? And before she lost her voice, there were more people listening to her than to "Amos 'n' Andy".
: [to Ralph
] That phone is staying here. Everybody but us has a telephone. All you're worried about is the money. Well, you can just stop worrying, because I'll figure out some way to pay for that phone. I'll just, uh, well, I'll cut down on something. Ralph
: I know what you'll cut down on: my food. That's what you'll cut down on, Alice, my food! We'll have a phone, but I won't have anything to eat! Alice
: Oh, Ralph. Ralph
: Don't "Oh, Ralph" me! I'm sick and tired of that "Oh, Ralph"! The bills will get bigger and bigger, and I'll get less to eat. I'll start losing weight. Then you know what I'll look like? Alice
: Yeah, a human being. Ralph
: Oh, are you gonna get yours!
: Trixie makes Ed french toast. Alice Kramden
: That's because Ed is not on trimspa. Ralph Kramden
: Oh! You got jokes. You're just a regular UPN sitcom, Alice.
: You are certifiable, you know that? You ought to have your head examined! Ralph Kramden
: I'll have my head examined anywhere in the United States, and you know what they're gonna find when they look in there? Nothing!
[Realizing what he said
] Ralph Kramden
: Hi, how can I help you today? William Davis
: Yes, uh, Alice, I would like an egg-white omelette, and if I could get a clean glass of water. Alice Kramden
: Well, precious, we don't separate our eggs here and that's about as clean as it's gonna get. William Davis
: Well, what do you have that's similar to an egg-white omelette? Alice Kramden
: Eggs. William Davis
: Well then, by all means why don't you just bring me whatevers convenient for you. Trixie Norton
: Do I need to take of my heels? Alice Kramden
: No, no. Not yet. William Davis
: I've angered you, I'm sorry. It happens alot. Alice Kramden
: Oh, hi Miss Benvenuti. How are you? Miss Benvenuti
: I'm fine. Hi Trixie. William Davis
: Ah, Miss Benvenuti, what a pleasure. Please
[gestures for her to sit
] Miss Benvenuti
: If you'd just buy my house, that will be pleasure enough. Alice Kramden
: Oh, Miss Benvenuti, you're selling that cute little duplex over on Hart Street? Miss Benvenuti
: Yes, I can't take the winters anymore. Mr. Davis here and his company are thinking of buying the house. William Davis
: Yes, we are. So if you girls could just go and cook something... Trixie Norton
: Ignoring you! Alice Kramden
: Yeah, I wish we would've known because we've been looking to buy a duplex for years. William Davis
: Well, I'm sorry, but my company's already buying this one. Trixie Norton
: Yes, well, we're not a company or anything, but we would like a nice place to move into with our husbands, have a few little babies, a little Trixie. Alice Kramden
: But everything's so expensive nowadays! William Davis
: Yes, it is. Kinda wishing you hadn't dropped out of high school right about now, huh? Alice Kramden
: *Still* ignoring you! So Miss Benvenuti, how much are you asking for the duplex?
: [Ralph has been laid off and Alice is talking about getting a job to help make ends meet
] I can get a job as a secretary. Ralph Kramden
: Oh, you can. And who do you think is gonna do the housework around here? Alice Kramden
: [smiles sweetly
] Guess... Ralph Kramden
: Oh, no! No, sir, Alice. No, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir! No, sir! Not me! Alice Kramden
: Oh, yes, you are, Ralph! I'm getting a job and you're gonna do the housework!
: [Ralph has gone into the bedroom to get Alice's slippers
] Oh, Ralph? Ralph! Ralph Kramden
: [comes out, mildly annoyed
] What is it now? Alice Kramden
: I forgot to tell ya something and it's very important. I told Tony that I lived with my brother. See, he doesn't know that I'm married, so when he gets here, you just say you're my brother. Ralph Kramden
: [nods in agreement, turns to go into the bedroom, and immediately storms out
] *WHAT*? You told him that you were not what and I'm who? Alice Kramden
: Well, I couldn't very well tell him that I was married. They don't believe in hiring married women; it's an office rule. Ralph Kramden
: [getting steamed, somewhat incredulous
] And also that Frank and Bill and Pete and George, they don't know that you're married, either? Alice Kramden
: Of course not. See, they figured that if they hired a married woman, she might leave to start a family, or her husband might tell her to quit to something. Ralph Kramden
: Oh, they're so right! You are quittin'! You are quittin'! And this isn't your brother talkin', this is your husband!
: Listen, Ralph, I did not spend that money on clothes and you know it! Besides, how far do you think 62 dollars a week will go? Ralph Kramden
: Will you shut your big mouth and stop yelling my salary? I don't want the neighbors to know how much I'm makin'! Alice Kramden
: Sixty-two dollars a week!
] Alice Kramden
: Sixty-two dollars a week! SIXTY-TWO DOLLARS A WEEK! Ralph Kramden
: Will you stop that? I don't want my salary to leak out! Alice Kramden
: *Your* salary couldn't *drip* out! Ralph Kramden
: Ooh, you're flirting with death!
: Ralph, what do you need ten dollars for? What crazy scheme have you got in mind now? Ralph
: It ain't no crazy scheme. I need the money to rent a costume for the party tomorrow night. Alice
: Rent a costume? I thought you were going to do what you did last year - wear a torn undershirt, talk out of the side of your mouth and go as Marlon Brando.
: I need ten dollars to get my costume. I got it all picked out. I'm going as King Henry VIII. Alice
: Nothing doing, Ralph. I can't spare the ten dollars. Ralph
: All right, I said I'd be reasonable and I will be. If you can't give me ten, I'll take five. For five dollars, I can go as Billy the Kid. Alice
: [shakes head
] I tell you what I will do: I'll give you a tin can and you can go as Billy the Goat.
: What's the matter? Aren't you up on current events? Don't you read the papers? Don't you read comic books? That's the trouble with you; you don't know the latest developments. Alice
: I don't know the latest developments? Who is it that lets your pants out every other day?
: What do you know about fishing? When have you ever caught anything? Alice
: Fifteen years ago. I caught 300 pounds of blubber.
: Now, look, Alice, I've already made up my mind about this, so there's no sense in trying to change my mind. Let's not do any hollering, screaming or yelling. You are not going on the fishing trip. Alice
: I am going. Ralph
: You're not going. Alice
: [getting upset
] I *am* going. Ralph
] You're NOT going! Alice
] I *AM* GOING! Ralph
: The only place you're going is to the moon!
: [trying to fix a broken vacuum cleaner
] That's what it needs, just a little drop of oil. It'll be alright. Alice Kramden
: A little drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas.
: You're the type of person that would bend way over to pick up a penny on the sidewalk. I wouldn't. Alice
: You couldn't.
: I asked you if you had any leftovers for last night's supper. Alice Kramden
: Ralph, we're eating at my mother's. Ralph Kramden
: I told you, I am not going to your mother's, I'm too tired, and I gotta get to bed early. Alice Kramden
: You'll still get to bed early. We'll go to mother's, eat supper, and come right home. Ralph Kramden
: Now, you know I'm not that kind of a man. I'm not the kind that eats and runs. Alice Kramden
: Eats and runs? The way you eat, you're lucky you can walk! Ralph Kramden
: Oh, if I wasn't tired, would you get yours!
[Uncle Leo has heartily slapped Ralph on the back a few times, not realizing that he hurt his back; after Leo leaves, Ralph lets out a loud bellow of pain
] Alice Kramden
] Ralph, what happened? Ralph Kramden
: Baby, nothing. I was just yawning. Alice Kramden
: Yawning? Ralph Kramden
: I'm tired. Alice Kramden
: Sounded like feeding time at the zoo.
[Alice returns home to catch Ralph swaying his hips as he tries to play golf
: Just practicing playing golf. Alice Kramden
: Oh, is that what it is? I thought it was football, the way your backfield was in motion.
: [to Alice
] I don't care if you've got any confidence, because I have enough confidence in me for the both of us! Alice Kramden
: You've got enough *everything* in you for the both of us.
[Ralph can't get a ring off his finger
: Is there any lard around here? Alice
: Yeah, about 300 pounds. Ralph
: Oh, you're gonna get yours!
: [looking at a ring Norton has
] Hey, that's a very handsome ring. Who's it for? Ed Norton
: Jim McKeever. He gave me my start in the sewers. My first push, so to speak. We recently appointed him foreman, so I thought it'd be nice to give him a little something. Trixie Norton
: Ed was all for buying him a pair of suspenders, but I thought a ring would be more suitable for the occasion. Ed Norton
: Well, I happen to know that Jim McKeever has a weakness for red suspenders. Alice
: Oh, well, I think Trixie's right, Ed. A man would rather have a ring than suspenders. Ed Norton
: Not if his pants are always falling down.
: But, I'm mad, Alice. I'm mad. And I'm gonna stay mad all-l-l-l tomorrow. I'm gonna think of this and stay mad all tomorrow. I don't care what good happens to me tomorrow, I'm stayin mad! I could get a fifty dollar raise, but I'm stayin' mad! MADDDD! They could make me the president of the company, my uncle could die and leave me a million dollars, but I'm gonna stay mad! And why I get back here tomorrow night and I see Norton, pow, right in the kisser! Alice Kramden
: [to Ed, who has locked himself in the Kramden's bedroom to escape Ralph
] Okay, Ed, you can come out now. Ed Norton
: Not unless you guarantee me safe conduct through the enemy lines.
: [Loudly from the Norton's apartment
] Shut up! Trixie Norton
: What did you say? Ed Norton
: You heard me, Trixie. Shut up! Trixie Norton
: Don't ever say 'shut up' to me! Ed Norton
: Put down that soup bowl, Trixie! Don't you throw that soup bowl!
[Loud smashing sound
] Ed Norton
: You could have taken the soup out first. Now you've got noodles all over the wall. Trixie Norton
: I won't miss you next time! Ed Norton
: Ha ha! I could do a little throwin' myself, you know.
] Trixie Norton
: Shut up, you miserable
] Trixie Norton
: ! Ralph Kramden
: [Storming out of the bed room
] I'll put a stop to this! I'll put a stop to this! Alice Kramden
: Now Ralph, stay out of this. It's none of your business. Ralph Kramden
: What do you mean it's none of my business? They're keeping me awake, aren't they? Alice Kramden
: They've stopped. Ralph Kramden
: This is a disgrace. This is a disgrace. People their age screaming and yelling at this hour of the night, keeping everybody up. And nobody else in this house is any better either. It's all gettin' terrible, every day worse, screamin', yellin', hollerin'. Alice Kramden
: Sure they're screaming yelling and hollering for you to shut up!
: Hooolllddd it! Wait a minute! WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? Alice
: Nothing, Ralph. Carlos was just teaching us to do the mambo. Trixie
: Right, Ralph. Carlos was just teaching us to do the mambo. Ralph
: Ohhhhhhh, Carlos was teaching to do the mambo. Oh ho ho! That puts a different light on everything. For a minute there, when I walked in here, I didn't know what you were doin'. Now I know, Carlos was teaching you the mambo. That makes a world of difference! EVERYBODY OUT! OUT! Angelina Manicotti
: But, Mr. Kramden, it's fun! Ralph
: [pointing at her
] And YOU, at YOUR age, should be ASHAMED of yourself!
: Hello, Mrs. Kramden. It's nice of you to have us. My, what a beautiful place you have here! By the way - mambo, anyone? Trixie
: Not now, Ed.
: He's had me doing the mambo all morning! Ed Norton
: Pardon me, Mrs. Kramden. Is your spouse on the premises? Alice
: He's in the bedroom making the bed. Ed Norton
: Oh, what a gentlemanly thing to do! If you will allow me to take my leave, I will retire to the boudoir and join my bosom companion.
[He mambos out of the room
: [Ralph has been keeping everyone awake worrying about his taxes, while Alice and Norton try to calm him
] Boy, I tell you, I'm surprised at you, Ralph, carrying this way. So what if they're investigating your taxes? What can they do to you? Can they put you up in front of a firing squad? Ralph Kramden
] No, they can't. Ed Norton
: Can they push you over a cliff? Ralph Kramden
: No, they can't. Ed Norton
: Can they string you up there on the end of a rope? Ralph Kramden
: No, I guess they can't... Ed Norton
: Alright then. Nothing can happen to you. What possibly can happen to you? What are you worried for? Alice Kramden
: He's right, Ralph. Now come on, let's go to bed. Ralph Kramden
: [softly; shaking Norton's hand
] Thanks, pal. Ed Norton
: [patting Ralph on the back
] All right. Now, just go in there, and get a good night's sleep.
[Ralph and Alice go into the bedroom. But Norton then calls after Ralph
] Ed Norton
: The worst thing they could possibly do to you is send you to the federal pen! Ralph Kramden
: [storming out of the bedroom, arms flailing wildly
] What are you starting with that stuff for?
[Ralph receives a letter from the I.R.S
: Don't you realize how serious this is? They're investigating me! Alice
: Ralph, being investigated is not the end of the world. You are not the first person who was ever investigated. Norton
: You're darn right! The jails are full of them!
: I guess you forgot that all this stuff has to go back too; every bit of it. All, that is, except your suits, Ralph. The tailor can't take those back. He doesn't know any elephants that need a new wardrobe."
[Alice is planning the menu for Ralph's birthday party
: On second thought, I better make that coconut cake. Trixie
: Why? Ralph's crazy about chocolate cake. Alice
: That's just it. I bought him a new belt for his birthday, and I wanna make sure it fits the day after. Trixie
: Well, you can always exchange it for a larger size. Alice
: There is no larger size.
: I'm the general. What I say goes. Alice
: Then you better say "Alice" 'cause I'm going.
: [about her marriage to Ralph
] Only myself to blame. My mother warned me.
: Trixie hasn't had any sleep in three nights. If she doesn't get some rest soon, she's just gonna waste away to nothing. Ralph Kramden
: She didn't have any sleep in three nights? How about me? I haven't slept in three nights! She'll waste away? Don't you care if I waste away? Alice Kramden
: Yes, I care, Ralph! But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years. Ralph Kramden
: How would you like to waste away on the moon?
: [asking Ralph where he is going, with luggage and a hat
] Alright, Ralph, are you going to tell me? Ralph Kramden
: No, I am not gonna tell you. No, I am not. And just for that, I ain't even going.
[puts his luggage away and takes his hat off
] Ralph Kramden
: There, you satisfied? Now you've ruined the wonderful trip I was going on! Alice Kramden
: Boy, oh, boy, all I know is, if they ever institute a Nut Of The Month club, I've got a very good idea who's going to be January and February.
: Ralph, there's only one thing you can do. Only one thing. You just gotta go down there, give them back the $5,000, and tell them the truth. Ralph
: They don't care about the $5,000. This installment is on the stands now. They'll be laughed out of the business. What are they gonna put in the next installment, "Bus driver won't die from scratching fleas"?