Ed Norton
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Quotes for
Ed Norton (Character)
from "The Honeymooners" (1955)

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The Honeymooners (1976) (TV)
Ralph Kramden: A mustache makes a guy distinctive. Gives a man a sort of an air. You ought to grow one.
Ed Norton: Nah, I don't need one. When you work in the sewer, you already got an air about you.

Ralph Kramden: I suppose that now my anniversary is getting near, you're racking your brain as to what to give me.
Ed Norton: To tell you the truth, Ralph, I haven't given it much thought. That's not true. I haven't given it *any* thought.

Ed Norton: The 25th anniversary - that's silver, ain't it? Would you settle for a picture of the Lone Ranger's horse?

Ralph Kramden: [Thinking that the knitted cover for a bowling ball is a baby's sweater] Those are the two holes for the arms, and this is the hole for the head.
Ed Norton: He may get his head and arms through there, but I don't think he's going to get them out again.

Ed Norton: Now that we know Alice is definitely pregnant, the next question is rather obvious. Who do you suspect?

Ed Norton: [after the toy baby's leg falls off while Norton is trying to put a diaper on him] Don't worry about a thing, Ralph. He heals very rapidly.

Ralph Kramden: I mean a real bachelor party with a big cake and a big blonde jumping out of it.
Ed Norton: Maybe I could get Mrs. Manicotti to jump out of a large pizza.

Ed Norton: [Repeated line, urging Ralph to get more punch out of the bowl] Replenish!

Ralph Kramden: That kid when he grows up - he'll own all of this.
Ed Norton: Lucky kid - not even born yet, and he's already got his own slum!

Ralph Kramden: You were dancing all over the joint.
Ed Norton: I cut up a pretty good rug.

"The Honeymooners: The Worry Wart (#1.28)" (1956)
Ed Norton: [Ralph has been keeping everyone awake worrying about his taxes, while Alice and Norton try to calm him] Boy, I tell you, I'm surprised at you, Ralph, carrying this way. So what if they're investigating your taxes? What can they do to you? Can they put you up in front of a firing squad?
Ralph Kramden: [sheepishly] No, they can't.
Ed Norton: Can they push you over a cliff?
Ralph Kramden: No, they can't.
Ed Norton: Can they string you up there on the end of a rope?
Ralph Kramden: No, I guess they can't...
Ed Norton: Alright then. Nothing can happen to you. What possibly can happen to you? What are you worried for?
Alice Kramden: He's right, Ralph. Now come on, let's go to bed.
Ralph Kramden: [softly; shaking Norton's hand] Thanks, pal.
Ed Norton: [patting Ralph on the back] All right. Now, just go in there, and get a good night's sleep.
[Ralph and Alice go into the bedroom. But Norton then calls after Ralph]
Ed Norton: The worst thing they could possibly do to you is send you to the federal pen!
Ralph Kramden: [storming out of the bedroom, arms flailing wildly] What are you starting with that stuff for?

[Norton is trying to tell Ralph what to do when he goes to the IRS]
Ed Norton: When you get down there tomorrow, I got the idea: stand on the 18th Amendment.
Ralph Kramden: Are you nuts or somethin'? Stand on the 18th Amendment? You mean stand on the Fifth Amendment. The 18th Amendment was for prohibition.
Ed Norton: Well, that's just what I mean. Tell 'em you were drunk when you made out your taxes!

Ralph: Norton, I'm gonna count to five. And when I get to five, you better be out that door. Now I'm gonna count.
Norton: I'm not scared of you. If you could count, they wouldn't be investigating your taxes.

[Ralph receives a letter from the I.R.S]
Ralph: Don't you realize how serious this is? They're investigating me!
Alice: Ralph, being investigated is not the end of the world. You are not the first person who was ever investigated.
Norton: You're darn right! The jails are full of them!

[Ralph and Norton go to the IRS and see Richard Puder]
Richard Puder: Which one of you men is Mr. Kramden?
Norton: He's Kramden, I'm clean.

Ed Norton: [Norton gets caught raiding Ralph's icebox] Dum-dee-dum-dum. All I hope is when they do my life on "Dragnet", they leave my name out to protect the innocent.
Ralph Kramden: You put that turkey back, or they'll being doing your life on "Medic"!

Ralph Kramden: Pretty sneaky, the gas company, to send me a bill on the back of a postcard.
Ed Norton: Oh, boy, that ain't the worst of it. Now, everybody in the building knows what you're paying for your gas bill.
Ralph Kramden: What are you talkin' about?
Ed Norton: Mrs. Schwartz, that blabbermouth, she looks at all the postcards and then yakety-yak-yaks all over the building.
Ralph Kramden: You're kiddin'.
Ed Norton: I'm not kiddin'. I know how much your gas bill is: 93 cents.
Ralph Kramden: [looks at bill] That's right.
Ed Norton: See? Oh, by the way, Ralph, congratulations on that 93-cent gas bill. Mrs. Schwartz told me that you broke the all-time low gas bill record set by the Collyer brothers in 1931.

Ralph Kramden: Penalty for failing to report income: All persons are required under this title to pay an estimated tax, or tax. All are required by this title or by regulations made under authority thereof to make a return other than a return required under authority of section 6015 or section 6016, keep any records or supply any information and who willfully fails to pay such estimated tax, or tax, make such returns, keep such records, or supply such information.
Ed Norton: Boy, Ralph, it sounds like you are in trouble.
Ralph Kramden: Trouble? I don't even know what I'm talking about!

"The Honeymooners: The Golfer (#1.3)" (1955)
Ed Norton: [reading from book about golf] "The golf swing: First, step up, plant your feet firmly on the ground, and address the ball."
Ralph: Wait a minute. What do they mean by "address the ball"?
Ed Norton: How should I know? That's what it says here.
Ralph: Well, read a little further. Maybe it explains it.

Ed Norton: [reading from the golf book] "I cannot overemphasize the importance of the correct swing."
[to Ralph]
Ed Norton: In other words, it don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing!

[demonstrating golf-swing approach and addressing the ball]
Norton: Step up, plant your feet firmly - hello, ball!

Norton: Well, Ralph, looks like you started the wrong rumor.
Ralph: What are you talkin' about?
Norton: First, you should've started the rumor that Mr. Harper knows you're alive.

[Ralph has criticized Norton saying hello to a golf ball]
Ed Norton: Maybe, it sounds nuts, I don't know! That's what they say in golf, there. They say "Tally-ho!" when they're fox huntin'! What's crazier, saying "Tally-ho" to a fox or saying "Hello" to a golf ball?

Ed Norton: [Alice criticized Ralph's golf-playing] You're getting all tense again.
Ralph: I'm getting all tense!
Ed Norton: Listen, relaxation is essential to a good game of golf.
Ralph: I can't relax! She upsets me!
Ed Norton: Well, you gotta relax!
Ralph: Well, I AM relaxed! What do you want me to do, sign an affidavit with a notary republic or somethin'?

"The Honeymooners: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (#1.13)" (1955)
Ed Norton: Well, let's face it, Ralph. You're not the easiest guy in the world to shop for, you know? It's pretty tough to get a guy something that, well, a guy that's got everything.

[Ralph's gift from Norton is a pair of spats]
Ralph Kramden: I know it came from your heart.
Ed Norton: No, it didn't, it came from the fat man shop.

Ed Norton: [to Ralph] Compared to you, Scrooge was a holiday playboy.

[Ralph shows Norton his present to Alice, a box to keep hairpins in]
Ralph Kramden: You know, when I bought this thing, the guy told me it's all handmade, you know. It's 2,000 matches glued together.
Ed Norton: Oh.
Ralph Kramden: Look at that thing. And he said it was made across the seas. You know, I thought he was kidding me, but right there, it says, "Made in Japan".
Ed Norton: [looking at it] There it is, in black and white. I'm telling you, this is something that a girl would not go out and buy for herself.
Ralph Kramden: You can say that again. And another thing about this, the guy told me that this is the only one of these in the whole world, that at one time, this was in the house of the Emperor of Japan. It was smuggled into this country.
Ed Norton: No kidding!
Ralph Kramden: I'm telling you, I just can't wait to see the expression on her face when she gets this.
Ed Norton: I'd like to see the expression on the Emperor of Japan's face when he finds out it's missing!

[Ralph tells Norton that he hid Alice's present under the icebox; Norton goes looking for it and finds the pan underneath]
Ed Norton: That is beautiful, Ralph. I mean it. You know something else? You know, it was a smart idea of yours to put that underneath there, because in case accidentally if she goes in there and finds it, she'll just think it's a pan for under the icebox. It's novel, too, you know. I mean, she's not gonna get another present from anyone like this. She couldn't.
Ralph Kramden: No one would have a need for two of those.

"The Honeymooners: The Sleepwalker (#1.6)" (1955)
Ed Norton: Come back! Come back, little Lulu!

[Ralph and Norton are about to go to bed together when Ralph shows Norton a toothbrush]
Ralph Kramden: Norton?
Ed Norton: What?
Ralph Kramden: Did you use my toothbrush?
Ed Norton: I dunno.
Ralph Kramden: What do you mean you don't know?
Ed Norton: Well, you got a red toothbrush and I got a red toothbrush. They was layin' side by side and I didn't know which was which, so I just went, "Eeeny, meeny, miney, mo."
Ralph Kramden: [holds up toothbrush] Is this Mo?
Ed Norton: [looks at toothbrush] Yep, that's Mo all right.
Ralph Kramden: Well, for your information, Mo happens to be my toothbrush.
Ed Norton: Oh, I was wonderin' why there was somethin' familiar about Miney.

Ed Norton: [sleepwalking] Luu-Luu!

Ed Norton: Hey, Ralph, you want an apple?
Ralph Kramden: No.
Ed Norton: How about a banana?
Ralph Kramden: I don't want any banana.
Ed Norton: How about a nice kumquat?
Ralph Kramden: Norton, I don't want any fruit of any kind!

Ed Norton: Ralph, are you sure you don't want a kumquat?
Ralph Kramden: [screaming] WILL YOU GO TO SLEEP!

"The Honeymooners: Ralph Kramden, Inc. (#1.19)" (1956)
Ralph Kramden: [to Norton] I don't know why a man of your age watches birds.
Ed Norton: Why shouldn't I watch birds? They watch me, don't they?
Ralph Kramden: The only bird that watches you, Norton, is a woodpecker.

Ed Norton: Like we say in the sewer, "time and tide wait for no man".

[Ralph is confident he will inherit $40 million after he starts his own fictional company which Norton is a stockholder in]
Ed Norton: Thirty-five percent of the 40 million dollars belongs to the stockholders.

Ralph Kramden: [to Norton] I'm going to become a corporation. Do you know what a corporation is?
Ed Norton: Yeah, I know what a corporation is. When a person or group of persons duly authorized to sell, distribute shares, become avowed with the intention of the stockholders grouping about together, with those shares, with the intention of selling the shares, comes to an evil interest there.
Ralph Kramden: [pause] How did you know that?
Ed Norton: Ever heard of Merrill, Lynch, Pierce, Pierce and Bean?
Ralph Kramden: Yes.
Ed Norton: They got an office right outside a downtown sewer I work in.

Ralph Kramden: Norton, let's face it, I'm a man with big ideas, and sooner or later, one of those ideas is going to catch on. And when they do, I'm going to be a big shot. And do you know what happens to people who become big shots?
Ed Norton: Yeah, they forget their relatives.

"The Honeymooners: A Matter of Life and Death (#1.5)" (1955)
Ed Norton: [responding to Ralph's request that Ed pose as a phony doctor] Don't touch me, Ralph! I'm sterile!

Ed Norton: [Ralph plans to leave Norton in his will his pair of bowling shoes] You know, I was just going to go out and buy myself a new pair of bowling shoes. This couldn't happen at a better time!

Ed Norton: [Ralph tries to figure out what to leave Alice in his will] Look, as long as you're going, anyway, why don't you sell your body to science? If they pay by the pound, she'll be left a millionaire!
Ralph: Why don't you shut up?

Ed Norton: [to Ralph] You got a very interesting story there, a story of a man doomed to six months to live. Why don't you do like a friend of mine did? He had the hiccups for three weeks, and he sold his story to a magazine. You know, the American Weekly? He got $5,000 for it!
Ralph: Five thousand dollars for a story about hiccups?
Ed Norton: Yeah.
Ralph: I ought to be a cinch to get $10,000 dying. This is a real human interest story. People will want to read about this. Everybody'll read it! I can see it now, the first installment, the title of it: "Doomed Man Has Only Six Months To Go."
Ed Norton: Uh, I think that's a little lengthy for the title. They'll probably chop it down, make it shorter, like, uh... "In Six Months, Blimp Takes Off."

Dick Gersh: Tell me, Dr. Norton, what school did you attend?
Ed Norton: P.S., 31 Oyster Bay.
Dick Gersh: No, I mean, what medical school?
Ralph: Oh, uh, he went to Oxford.
Dick Gersh: Oh, in England.
Ed Norton: Is that where it is?
Dick Gersh: You mean you went to school in Oxford and you don't know it's in England?
Ed Norton: Well, to tell you the truth, sir, it was so foggy over there, I don't know where it was.

The Honeymooners (1978/I) (TV)
Ralph Kramden: [Looking at a radio that is shaped like a female cat] How do you turn her on?
Ed Norton: I usually bite her ear.
Ralph Kramden: Not Trixie. The cat!

Ralph Kramden: Well, the party's on me. I'm taking everybody to the Hong Kong Gardens for Chinese food.
Ed Norton: Can I order from column A and column B?
Ralph Kramden: You can have anything you want.
Ed Norton: [holding the cat radio] Beautiful. All right, Trixie. Let's go home. I'll get a little romantic music on the cat, we'll sip some champagne, and who knows what may develop before we reach the dark at the top of the stairs.

Ed Norton: I'm telling you, when it comes to champagne - I'm a carney-sewer!

Ed Norton: She got me out there on a very clever ruse. She says, "Ed, go out there on the fire escape and water the petunias." After I get out there, I realize you don't water petunias in the wintertime. Second of all, I realized we don't have no petunias.

"The Honeymooners: Unconventional Behavior (#1.33)" (1956)
Norton: Ralph?
Ralph: What?
Norton: Mind if I smoke?
Ralph: I don't care if you burn.

Ralph: Wouldn't it be much easier, if you bought a new watch?
Norton: No, why? Nothin' wrong with my watch. All it needs is a new mainspring. I just gotta find a guy to fix it. I think I'll write a letter to Walt Disney tonight.

Norton: Well, we're gonna have a lot of laughs at this convention with wives along. I have a feeling that I may replace you as poster boy during National Nut Week. Will you tell me one thing, please? How do you get us into these fixes?
Ralph: Very simple. Very simple, Norton. I HAVE A BIG MOUTH!

Norton: [to Ralph on how he adjusted his watch by looking out the window] I set my watch by the Chinese restaurant. It opens at 5PM every day.
[Ralph stares]
Norton: You don't believe me, do you? I can tell by the way you're looking at me that you don't believe me. I can tell you the time, all night long just by that Chinese restaurant. For instance, they start cooking the egg foo yung at 5:26. The first whiffs of that reach my apartment window upstairs at about, oh, 5:28. And they reach your window at 5:27 and 56 seconds. It's a known fact that the aroma of egg foo yung rises at the rate of 320 feet per second. Now, moo goo gai pan, which is of a heavier consistency, travels upwards at a slower rate. They start making that at about 5:37. Sometimes, somebody comes in, orders the family dinner, then I'm completely thrown. I don't know what time it is.

"The Honeymooners: TV or Not TV (#1.1)" (1955)
Ralph Kramden: We'll flip a coin to see where the television set goes. Give me a coin.
Ed Norton: [pulls out a coin from his pants pocket and hands it to Ralph]
Ralph Kramden: Alright. Uh, heads I win, tails you lose. Right?
Ralph Kramden: [flips the coin]
Ralph Kramden: Tails, you lose. Now...
Ed Norton: Wait a minute, wait a minute!
Ralph Kramden: What's wrong?
Ed Norton: I hope I don't insult you, Ralph, but would you mind giving me back my coin?

Ed Norton: [returning to television] Official space helmet on, Captain Video!

[Norton recites the Captain Video Ranger pledge]
Norton: I, Edward Norton, Ranger Third Class in the Captain Video Ranger Academy, do solemnly pledge to obey my mommy and daddy, to be kind to dumb animals and old ladies in and out of space, not to tease my little brothers and sisters and to brush my teeth twice a day and drink milk after every meal.

Ed Norton: [taking off his Captain Video helmet] Official space helmet off, Captain Video, wherever you are!

"The Honeymooners: Better Living Through TV (#1.7)" (1955)
Ed Norton: [as they do the commercial] Tell me, O Chef of the Future, can it core a...
Ed Norton: ... apple?
Ralph Kramden: Oh, it can core a...
Ralph Kramden: ... apple.

Ed Norton: [as he and Ralph do the commercial] If my wife Trixie is looking in, and when I come home, she says, "I told you so," I'm gonna belt her right in the mouth!

[last lines]
Ed Norton: [shouting during the end of the commercial] And now, back to Charlie Chan!

Ralph Kramden: We spend $200, we make $2000 and the profit is 1800. We can't lose.
Ed Norton: Can't lose, huh? That's what you said when you bought the parking lot next to where they were building up the movie house there. You said, "People going to the movies got to have a place to park their car."
Ralph Kramden: How did I know they were building a drive-in theater?

"The Honeymooners: The Bensonhurst Bomber (#1.37)" (1956)
Ed Norton: [on why Ralph must commit to fighting Harvey] Do you realize they're closing the pool hall in your honor tonight?
Ralph Kramden: Let's face it, Norton, if I fight that Harvey tonight, tomorrow night they'll be closing the pool hall in my memory!

Ed Norton: [to Harvey] A pox on you and all your ancestors!

Ralph Kramden: [trying to figure out how he knocked down the tough guy supposed to be Norton's friend] Why would he say, "Hey, fatso, get out of the way"?
Ed Norton: [staring at Ralph's enormous girth] I don't know, maybe the phrase just fits.

Ralph Kramden: [to Alice] You don't have to worry about me, I can take care of myself.
Ed Norton: If you knew how to take care of yourself, you wouldn't have to leave town.

"The Honeymooners: The Safety Award (#1.34)" (1956)
Ed Norton: [to Ralph] Look, just don't get upset. You're gettin' all upset now. Let's calm down and look nice when we get down there. There's no sense in getting upset. Now listen, the boys in the sewer, there, when we get upset we got a little motto - a little saying that gives us a little comfort in time of need. Maybe, I can pass it on to you. May I favor you with this little ode? "When the tides of life turn against you, and the current upsets your boat. Don't waste those tears on what might have been, just lay on your back and float."

[Alice and Trixie are wearing the exact same dress]
Ralph Kramden: Hey, don't those dresses look alike?
Ed Norton: *Alike*? They're like the Bobbsey Twins!

Martin, the reporter: Mr. Norton, tell me something. What kind of work do you do?
Ed Norton: Well, I'm employed by the city.
Martin, the reporter: I see. A white collar job?
Ed Norton: No, you could say it's more of a wet collar job. I'm an underground engineer.
Ralph Kramden: He works in the sewer!
Ed Norton: That's a layman's way of putting it.

"The Honeymooners: Hello Mom (#1.10)" (1955)
Ralph Kramden: Name one thing that could possibly be worse than my mother-in-law coming.
Ed Norton: *My* mother-in-law coming! Boy, compared to her coming, the invasion of locusts was a boon to mankind!
Ralph Kramden: Don't start, Norton. Don't try to compare your mother-in-law with my mother-in-law, 'cause you got a lose. It's no match.

Ed Norton: [to Ralph about his mother-in-law] I can't even afford to feed her. Boy, can she eat! When she comes to dinner, she clears that table like a hurdler. Gee, and is she fat. From the front, she looks like you from the back!

Ed Norton: [to Ralph] Ain't you even gonna give me a friendly Raccoon good-bye?
[wiggles the tail on his coonskin cap]
Ed Norton: Whoo-ooo!
Ralph Kramden: I wouldn't "ooh-ooh" you for anything in the world. Never again will I "ooh-ooh" you! You're a traitor and a turncoat, a disgrace to that uniform and the Raccoon Lodge! I should "ooh-ooh" you?
[turns to leave, walks a few paces away, then stops and looks at Norton, with a look of guilt]
Ralph Kramden: Norton?
Ed Norton: Yeah?
Ralph Kramden: [wiggling the tail of his coonskin cap] Ooh-ooh.
Ed Norton: [overjoyed] Brother Raccoon!

"The Honeymooners: Mama Loves Mambo (#1.23)" (1956)
Ed Norton: Now, listen, Ralph, as long as we're neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton. Call me Eduardo!

Ralph: [to Carlos Sanchez] I want to tell you something. You've got some nerve parading around in front of our wives with the fancy manners. We have to eat cold suppers on account of your teaching them the mambo. Let me tell you something. It's easy for you, you know, to play Sir Galahad. You don't do any work. When you go to work, you *dance*! That's no work! When *we* go to work, we work. *Dirty* work!
[holds up his hands]
Ralph: Just notice the difference between my hands and your hands. That'll show you the difference in work.
[gestures toward Norton]
Ralph: The difference between your hands and *my friend's* hands!
Ed Norton: Now, wait a minute. It's not fair to compare his to mine. I mean, I got mine in the water all day.
Ralph: Aw, shut up.

Ed Norton: Hello, Mrs. Kramden. It's nice of you to have us. My, what a beautiful place you have here! By the way - mambo, anyone?
Trixie: Not now, Ed.
[to Alice]
Trixie: He's had me doing the mambo all morning!
Ed Norton: Pardon me, Mrs. Kramden. Is your spouse on the premises?
Alice: He's in the bedroom making the bed.
Ed Norton: Oh, what a gentlemanly thing to do! If you will allow me to take my leave, I will retire to the boudoir and join my bosom companion.
[He mambos out of the room]

"The Honeymooners: Brother Ralph (#1.9)" (1955)
Ed Norton: [asking about Ralph's idea to lay off some of the bus drivers] What's the good word, buddy boy?
Ralph Kramden: *I* was the first to go.

[Ralph has been laid off]
Ed Norton: I know just how you feel because I went through the same thing two or three years ago when they laid me off from the sewer. I felt just like a fish out of water.

Ralph Kramden: [about the job Alice got] In order to get it, she had to tell the boss that she wasn't married. And on top of everything, she told him that I was her brother!
Ed Norton: Well, if that's what she had to say to get the job, then that's what she had to say.
Ralph Kramden: Don't you understand the implications of a thing like that? If the boss knows she's single, he's liable to try to make a date with her!
Ed Norton: Now, wait a minute, Ralph, that won't necessarily follow through. Take my cousin, for instance. She works. Her boss knows she's single. He don't try to make no date with her. 'Course, she looks like an orangutan.

"The Honeymooners: A Woman's Work Is Never Done (#1.4)" (1955)
Ralph: I'll call her what I used to call her before we were married.
Norton: What's that?
Ralph: Little Buttercup. Wait a minute, I didn't call her that; she called *me* that: Little Buttercup.
Norton: [Norton giggles]
Ralph: What's so funny?
Norton: *She* used to call *you* her little buttercup?
Ralph: Yeah! What's so funny about that, Norton?
Norton: You were a little cup of butter; now you're a whole tub of lard!

[Norton has seen the Kramdens' new maid, Thelma]
Ralph: What do you think of the maid, Norton?
Norton: Well, without a doubt, Ralph, you have achieved the height of gracious living. You are one of the 400. In fact, you could be all of the 400.

[Ralph and Norton are talking about the Kramdens' new maid]
Norton: Is she anything like that maid we saw in that burlesque show? Va-va-voom! You know the maid we saw at the burlesque show? Is she like that?
Ralph: What maid?
Norton: You remember, the one that helped Lily St. Cyr into the bathtub full of wine.
Ralph: Oh no, she's not like that maid. She looks more like the one that installed the bathtub.

"The Honeymooners: On Stage (#1.31)" (1956)
Ed Norton: [reading from a script, as he helps Ralph rehearse] "I don't possess a mansion, a villa in France, a yacht, or a string of poloponies."
Ralph: "I'm glad to hear..."
[stops and looks up]
Ralph: "String of poloponies"? Where do you see that?
Ed Norton: [pointing at script] Right there - "a string of poloponies".
Ralph: That's "a string of polo ponies"!

Ralph: They want to put on a show and sell tickets and that way, the lodge can get money.
Ed Norton: Well, now, wait a minute, Ralph. That ain't such a bad idea, you know.
Ralph: Are you kidding? If the Raccoon Lodge put on a play, the only way they would make money is to let everybody in free and then charge them to get out.

Ralph: If this lodge doesn't get some money soon, there isn't going to be a lodge. Did you hear what happened yesterday?
Ed Norton: What?
Ralph: The Acme Finance Company come in and took out the pool table. Day before that, they come in and took out the television set and the phonograph. And the day before that, they come in and took out the piano. What are we gonna do, Norton?
Ed Norton: Well, we could hold our meetings at the Acme Finance Company.

"The Honeymooners: Pal O' Mine (#1.8)" (1955)
Ed Norton: [about Ralph getting Jim McKeever's ring stuck on his finger] That's like King Farouk slipping into Gary Cooper's bathing suit!

Alice: [looking at a ring Norton has] Hey, that's a very handsome ring. Who's it for?
Ed Norton: Jim McKeever. He gave me my start in the sewers. My first push, so to speak. We recently appointed him foreman, so I thought it'd be nice to give him a little something.
Trixie Norton: Ed was all for buying him a pair of suspenders, but I thought a ring would be more suitable for the occasion.
Ed Norton: Well, I happen to know that Jim McKeever has a weakness for red suspenders.
Alice: Oh, well, I think Trixie's right, Ed. A man would rather have a ring than suspenders.
Ed Norton: Not if his pants are always falling down.

"The Jackie Gleason Show: Peacemaker" (1955)
Ralph Kramden: But, I'm mad, Alice. I'm mad. And I'm gonna stay mad all-l-l-l tomorrow. I'm gonna think of this and stay mad all tomorrow. I don't care what good happens to me tomorrow, I'm stayin mad! I could get a fifty dollar raise, but I'm stayin' mad! MADDDD! They could make me the president of the company, my uncle could die and leave me a million dollars, but I'm gonna stay mad! And why I get back here tomorrow night and I see Norton, pow, right in the kisser!
Alice Kramden: [to Ed, who has locked himself in the Kramden's bedroom to escape Ralph] Okay, Ed, you can come out now.
Ed Norton: Not unless you guarantee me safe conduct through the enemy lines.

Ed Norton: [Loudly from the Norton's apartment] Shut up!
Trixie Norton: What did you say?
Ed Norton: You heard me, Trixie. Shut up!
Trixie Norton: Don't ever say 'shut up' to me!
Ed Norton: Put down that soup bowl, Trixie! Don't you throw that soup bowl!
[Loud smashing sound]
Ed Norton: You could have taken the soup out first. Now you've got noodles all over the wall.
Trixie Norton: I won't miss you next time!
Ed Norton: Ha ha! I could do a little throwin' myself, you know.
[More smashing]
Trixie Norton: Shut up, you miserable
Trixie Norton: !
Ralph Kramden: [Storming out of the bed room] I'll put a stop to this! I'll put a stop to this!
Alice Kramden: Now Ralph, stay out of this. It's none of your business.
Ralph Kramden: What do you mean it's none of my business? They're keeping me awake, aren't they?
Alice Kramden: They've stopped.
Ralph Kramden: This is a disgrace. This is a disgrace. People their age screaming and yelling at this hour of the night, keeping everybody up. And nobody else in this house is any better either. It's all gettin' terrible, every day worse, screamin', yellin', hollerin'.
Alice Kramden: Sure they're screaming yelling and hollering for you to shut up!

"The Honeymooners: Dial J for Janitor (#1.38)" (1956)
Norton: Well anyway, I gotta tell ya I had this headache, I couldn't get rid of it, see, so I went to the Navy doctor. So he examines me and says I have pressure on the brain, he should remove it. So well, I took a lot of kidding from the boys on the ship, you know, 'cause afterwards they said, "What did he do, remove the pressure or the brain?"
Ralph: Don't ask me, 'cause I know what he removed!

Alice: [Norton had asked Alice for a wrench to fix his pipes] I thought the janitor was gonna fix the pipes.
Norton: Ah, that janitor fix the pipes. He don't fix nothing. I'm telling ya, I'm getting pretty sick and tired of this, you know. Everybody in the building gets water, except us.
Alice: I know, Ed, and it's no joke.
Norton: You tell me it's no joke. Boy, I never thought I'd live to see the day when I'd work eight hours in the sewer and come home and want to see water!

"The Honeymooners: Pardon My Glove (#1.25)" (1956)
Ed Norton: Poor little pizza, ain't good for nothin'.

Ed Norton: If pizzas were manhole covers, the sewer would be a paradise.

The Honeymooners (2005)
Ed Norton: When you hear that bell, run like hell!

Ralph Kramden: [after getting kicked out of the pool hall and then Ed's phone rings] What are you doing? We got to get back in there.
Ed Norton: [Ed picks up the message on his phone] No time to play. We've got a major back up in the sewer system.
Ralph Kramden: How come every time we go out they call you?
Ed Norton: I'm a specialist. It's like being a brain surgeon or Spider-Man.
Ralph Kramden: Yeah, but Spider-Man won't let us get our asses beat down in a pool hall.

"The Honeymooners: The Man from Space (#1.14)" (1955)
[Ralph puts Norton on notice that their friendship is "suspended" for the duration of the costume competition]
Ralph: From here on in, we are deadly enemies. I don't want to see ya, I don't want to talk to ya, I don't want to have nothing to do with ya. If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side!
Norton: When you come down the street, there AIN'T no other side!

[Norton enters the Kramdens' apartment dressed as Pierre Francois de la Brioski]
Norton: Bonjour, everybody. Happy Charles Boyer to you.

"The Honeymooners: Here Comes the Bride (#1.22)" (1956)
Ed Norton: [giving a toast to Stanley at his bachelor party] Here is to you, Brother Saxon. May your life be rosy and bright. If you'll take the advice from an old married man, you will get out of town tonight.

Ed Norton: I guess Agnes and Stanley are up in Niagara Falls now, huh?
Ralph Kramden: Yeah? If Stanley's up there, he's up there alone. She's here. Agnes is in the bedroom.
Ed Norton: Agnes is here?
Ralph Kramden: They had an argument, a big fight right after the reception.
Ed Norton: Boy, let me tell you something: I heard of husbands and wives taking separate vacations. This is the first time I ever heard of separate honeymoons.
Ralph Kramden: They're not on their honeymoon. They had a fight, I'm telling ya.

"The Honeymooners: Alice and the Blonde (#1.36)" (1956)
Ed Norton: [to Alice, as the Nortons return home via the Kramdens' fire escape] Going home like this reminds me of that old poem I used to love from my childhood: "When he crept out into the stealthy night air, / Little did he realize the fire escape was not there."

Ed Norton: [seeing a vase full of flowers] Look at these here, Ralph! Boy, they had me fooled. They're real! I mean it. They're almost as good as the artificial ones.

"The Honeymooners: Young at Heart (#1.20)" (1956)
Ralph: [after an argument with Alice on being young] She's right, Norton. She's right. There's nothing wrong with somebody wanting to stay young. It's my fault. Well, I'm telling you right now, Norton, I'm changing.
Ed Norton: What are you gonna do?
Ralph: I'm gonna start taking her to dances and roller-skating. I'm gonna learn all the new dances: the Big Apple, Suzie Q, the Continental, Hesitation Waltz, all of that. And I'm gonna learn all the expressions, too, like "Bo-do-dee-oh-do", "23 skidoo", and "I'll kiss you later, I'm eating a potato", all that stuff, I'm gonna learn.
[Norton laughs]
Ralph: What's so funny?
Ed Norton: Bo-dee-do-do, 23 skidoo, I'll kiss you later, I'm eating a potato!
[laughs again]
Ralph: What's wrong with those expressions?
Ed Norton: Boy, oh, boy, how can anyone so round be so square?

Ralph: [to Norton] Hey, what does "icky" mean?
Ed Norton: I don't know, why?
Ralph: Alice just said I was icky.
Ed Norton: Must mean "fat".

"The Honeymooners: Head of the House (#1.27)" (1956)
[Alice has hung up on Ralph after he calls her to cook a meal for Joe Fensterblau]
Ralph Kramden: [to Norton] You and I, we're goin' home, we're gonna cook that meal ourselves. When Fensterblau gets there tonight, I'll say that Alice cooked it, but she had an appointment, and she had to leave.
Ed Norton: That's a good idea. After all, men are the best chefs, aren't they? Oscar of the Waldorf, Pierre of the Ritz, Grace Kelly's father...
Ralph Kramden: What does Grace Kelly's father got to do with it?
Ed Norton: He cooked up a pretty sweet dish!

Ed Norton: [Norton is amused that Ralph had told a newspaper reporter that he is the boss of his house] I'm just tryin' to get a picture of what you're gonna look like in a French Foreign Legion uniform.
Ralph Kramden: Are you trying to tell me that I'm afraid of Alice?
Ed Norton: I know you. We're buddies for a good long time, Ralph. I know you pretty good. Now, just take a little advice. Get on a phone and call that newspaper, and tell them to hold the presses, stop the presses, and don't print that statement.
Ralph Kramden: Oh, no. Not me, Norton. That's the kind of a thing you'd do, but not me. And that's the difference between us, Norton. That's the difference. I am a boss; you are a mouse.
Ed Norton: Well, I got one more thing to say: I'd rather be a live mouse than a dead boss.

"The Honeymooners: Opportunity Knocks But (#1.32)" (1956)
Ed Norton: [to Ralph] As long as I'm an executive in that bus company, you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live.

"The Honeymooners: Something Fishy (#1.12)" (1955)
Ralph: Mr. President, Brother Kramden... Brother *Norton* is a nut!
Ed Norton: I have the floor; you're out of order.
Ralph: The only thing out of order here is your head.

"The Honeymooners: Oh, My Aching Back (#1.16)" (1956)
Ed Norton: Hey, Ralph, what's the normal temperature, around 98, ain't it?
Ralph Kramden: 98.6.
Ed Norton: What would you say a bad temperature is?
Ralph Kramden: Hundred and two, 103. What is it, Norton? What is my temperature?
[Norton becomes shocked as he examines the thermometer; Ralph gets impatient]
Ed Norton: [crying out] A HUNDRED AND ELEVEN!
Ralph Kramden: A hundred and eleven?
Ed Norton: Why'd it have to be you? Prime of life!

The Honeymooners (1977) (TV)
Ralph Kramden: Okay Norton, you'll be Tiny Tim.
Ed Norton: [sings] Tiptoe, thru the tulips...
Ralph Kramden: [shouts] Not *that* Tiny Tim!

"The Honeymooners: The $99,000 Answer (#1.18)" (1956)
Alice Kramden: [to Norton] Ed, I realize that I cannot talk to Ralph because he is stubborn and unreasonable, but I've always had great respect for your sense of fair play, and so I appeal to you. IT IS LATE. People would like to go to sleep. I think you should stop playing the piano. And I know that you will agree with me, Ed, because you have always been fair and considerate. You are a reasonable man.
Ralph Kramden: Don't let her soft-soap you. Don't let her soft-soap you! You're just as unreasonable as I am. Play the piano!
Alice Kramden: If you touch that piano again, I'll lose all my respect for you!
Ralph Kramden: [threateningly] Go ahead and *play*, Norton, if you don't wanna lose my friendship!
Ed Norton: Well, I'm in a spot. If I play, I lose her respect; if I don't play, I lose your friendship.
[anguished wail]
Ed Norton: Why, oh why was I blessed with this musical talent?

"The Honeymooners: The Babysitter (#1.17)" (1956)
[Alice sees Ralph and Norton in the room, preventing her from using the phone; she leaves the room]
Ed Norton: [to Ralph] What was that?
Ralph: I'll tell you what that is: she wanted to find out if I'm still here. She can't wait to get on that phone and start gabbing with everybody.
Ed Norton: Of course she won't get on the phone. Don't be silly. She's gonna run up a big bill when you go away or something?

"The Honeymooners: Mind Your Own Business (#1.35)" (1956)
[Ed has been fired]
Ed Norton: Ol' Ed Norton, reliable old Ed Norton, working seventeen years in the sewer. And now everything's down the drain!

"The Honeymooners: A Matter of Record (#1.15)" (1956)
Ed Norton: In the words of the immortal bard, Shakespeare, "There are three times in a man's life when he wants to be alone: one, when he's communing with his thoughts; two, when he's being tender with his wife; and three, when he's in the isolation booth on 'The $64,000 Question'."

"The Honeymooners: A Dog's Life (#1.21)" (1956)
[Ralph is taking Alice's new puppy back to the pound]
Ed Norton: Ralph Kramden, you just lost your membership card to the human race!

"The Honeymooners: Please Leave the Premises (#1.24)" (1956)
Ed Norton: [upon entering the Kramdens' cold apartment] I hereby claim this territory for the United States in the name of Little America!

"The Honeymooners: A Man's Pride (#1.39)" (1956)
Ralph: Me and my silly pride. I promise you this, Norton, I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna learn from hereon in how to swallow my pride.
Ed Norton: Well, that ought not to be too hard. You've learned how to swallow everything else.
Ralph: GET OUT!

"The Honeymooners: Young Man with a Horn (#1.26)" (1956)
Ed Norton: What are you doing there, Ralphie Boy?
Ralph: I'm making a list of all my weak points.
Ed Norton: Oh. Is that all the paper you're going to use?

"The Jackie Gleason Show: The Honeymooners: Letter to the Boss (#2.8)" (1953)
Ralph Kramden: [Dictating letter to Norton] You dirty bum.
Ed Norton: Hey, isn't that a little rough for a starter?
Ralph Kramden: Maybe you're right. Um... Dear Mr. Marshall...
Ed Norton: That's better.
Ralph Kramden: You dirty bum! You're nothing but a miserable lowlife. You ought to turn in your membership card to the human race!
Ed Norton: Nice touch there, nice touch.
Ralph Kramden: Thank you. After firing me after nine years of loyal service, I can truthfully say that you are the meanest man in the world. You dirty bum.
Ed Norton: Hey, don't you think this is the time to put something about him giving you your job back?
Ralph Kramden: What are you, an idiot or something? Just sign it. Respectfully yours, etcetera etcetera.

Half-Fare Hare (1956)
[Scene on board a Chattonooga Choo-Choo boxcar]
Ed Norton: Hey, Ralph. You want to know something? I'm hungry.
Ralph Kramden: You're hungry? Why, I'm so hungry my stomach thinks my throat's scut. If I don't get something to eat soon, I'll go nuts!